On Being A Grownup

Often I feel like being a grownup is over-rated. I see people who think it means the fun is zapped from your life. I certainly don't believe that....if you do it correctly, the fun increases, as does your ability to create fun in most life situations. You learn life is short....and you want to make it good. Being a grownup should make life easier, and better.

I've been thinking a lot about maturity lately, though. There just seem to be a lot of adults around that don't seem to have gained much of it in their lifetimes. When can you tell where it is lacking? Look for the drama.

What do I consider drama? Responding to life in ways that make you appear to be a hormone-controlled adolescent. Oh, I remember those days well. Going home from school and laying on my bed crying for no reason....or a stupid reason. Saying "I hate you" to anyone who didn't make me happy at the moment. Trying to play games to get my own way....and not grasping why everyone didn't understand that the "rules" I expected others to abide by, didn't necessarily apply to me. Silly thoughtless pranks, words that cut, making decisions solely to hurt those who have hurt me. Remember?

When you are an adolescent, your changing hormones sometimes control your body. Our body chemistry always controls human beings to a degree. We are pre-disposed to certain things - some to anger, some to tears, some to stuffing everything inside until we blow, some to depression and mania, some to perfect calm. While some of these body fluctuations change and settle down as we get older, some stay with us forever. The difference between an adolescent and a grown-up? These changes are new to the adolescent and we need to gently teach them how to manage them, and apply a lot of grace when they get it wrong. An adult should have somewhat mastered the art.

As you age, you should get better at exercising self-control. You should know yourself well enough to know your strengths and weaknesses. You should get help for things you can't manage yourself....and know that sonetimes asking for help is the greatest show of strength. You should realize life just isn't all about you and your feelings. While it is natural to see and respond to the actions of others, at the heart of our thought life should always be "So, what am I doing wrong here?" Your biggest God-given responsibility is always the person you are becoming. That is where you have choices. That is where you can make the biggest difference in this world. Most often the choices of others are out if your control....and you should keep them there.

Life in itself has a lot of drama. People get sick. People die. People get married. People get divorced. People wrong us. People love us. People make bad decisions. People make good decisions. People win. People lose. People triumph. People fall.

When life happens, there doesn't have to be a scene. You don't have to make everything a dramatic event...or make the dramatic events of others your dramatic event. You don't show your love any more when you do. In fact, you often show your own selfishness - you make their issues about you. 

You don't have to condemn. You don't have to be the angel of righteousness. You don't have to be the Holy Spirit. Others hold down those jobs and responsibilities....and they are better at it than you.

Because you are hurt or scarred by others, does not mean your best place to reside is in the crux of that. And because you love someone, you don't have to solve their problems for them. If you're spending too much time thinking on their issues, or worrying about them, you're probably neglecting your own purpose. Offering a hand up when someone falls down is usually the right thing to do. Carrying them around on your back when they have legs that work, is taking everything a bit too far.

The emotions that come when someone wrongs us are natural. They become wrong when we let them control our future. We are all "done wrong" at some point in life. Forgiving and moving on does not mean they were right....it means your future is not controlled by their actions. I've been told some unbelievable stories of forgiveness during my time on this earth. What's interesting is that if you watch their lives, you can easily see these true forgivers are people of power. Those who stay victims stay weak. Often forgiving is not a one-time decision....it is a constant process until it no longer controls us. Until it no longer has power in our lives.

It's weird to me when I see hatred directed at people from someone who has wronged them. This is something I want to study a bit more.....I just don't understand it. My thought is "So you did this to them, what gives you the indulgence to hate?" I know there have probably been times in my life where people looking on my life thought the same thing about me. Splinter, meet plank. I figure studying this may demonstrate that to me more. But I am willing to face the pain if seeing that plank in my eye so I can change me. So I can see truth better. I read something recently that was talking about people evaluating other people.... it said our opinion says much more about us than it does about those we evaluate. It made me start looking inward a bit more when I find myself "evaluating."

As we reflect on our plan to get our life on an emotionally even keel...and I can tell you that from my experience, living life mostly in balance does make life better....we have to consider the feelings of others around us. Sometimes those feelings won't be rational to us - they are looking at the world through a different lens, that has been distorted by their own set of problems and experiences, and body chemistry. They act out of pain, out of fear, out of emotion....just as we do, but yet differently. Or maybe not so differently, and that is why we combust when together. We see in others that in ourselves that we hate or fear.

Life should be more fun as we grow up, because we learn the art of self-control. We learn to mind our own business, and have faith that others will work out their own challenges without our taking over or acting as their avenging angel. We should roll our eyes a bit at the drama...and get to the business of enjoying our life and employing our purpose. Remember all those things that we thought were so important and dramatic in our past? Many of them are now just a blip in our life experience. Not even enough to register as life-changing. Almost amusing because of the energy we devoted to them. We can see now how those around us (those we probably considered our best friends during that time) threw gasoline on the fire to make it even more spectacular, instead of handing us a bucket of water to put out the flames. They may have been well meaning but dead wrong in their approach. They added to the destruction instead of helping us rebuild.

So how are you doing? Are you living your life now as a grown-up or a child? It's a choice. And one that will impact the quality of your life and the lives of others. Life is short....make it good. Find peace and purpose. Be a fireman.....not an arsonist.

A Day for My Dad (Who May Not Realize It Is Father's Day If We Don't Tell Him)

Dad and my niece Maggie

I always thought Dad was an excellent listener.....well, until the day I realized the "Uh-huh, uh-huh, ooooooohhhhhhh" was simply patter he did by rote.  I didn't realize this for a long time.  One day I realized this patter had evidently been used for years to make me think he was paying attention.  In retrospect, I don't think he really listened to a word I said growing up.  He was really reading the paper.  But it worked for me, I guess.  I felt like he listened and I really never waited for feedback.  Just needed to talk it through and reach my own conclusions.  Am still very much like that.  Will listen to advice, and consider it, but I best solve problems by thinking out loud or writing it all down and then going with the conclusion that seems right for me. Good thing I didn't really need someone listening, huh? 

My dad was one of those parents who actually enjoyed the "new math" (while my friend's parents talked about it in cursing tones).  He was eager to help us with our math homework, because for him it was fun.  He bought math books himself so he could read about it and if I remember correctly maybe even took a class so he could get a bit of extra knowledge.  We spent hours at the side of his chair, watching him work through the problems.  I never captured the bug. I usually did well at math, but probably due to his guidance and natural ability....there was no love there for me.  Definitely no passion.

Besides math books and the newspaper, his other reading material was Popular Science. Or a manual or some sort. He'd read the complicated text for a night or so and then go take a test and Bang!....he was a licensed plumber.  Another one and Bang!...he was a licensed electrician.  During our childhood Dad read no fiction, ever.  He read the directions....for everything.  He memorized the directions, in fact.  I, who only will read directions as a last resort and often will just give up and throw in the towel to avoid it, did not inherit this from him.

Dad is the slowest reader ever (sorry Dad....but I really think you are) and that drove me crazy.  He devoured every single word.  He remembers everything he reads...I guess because he thinks about each word carefully as he reads it.  He probably remembers the intricate details of things he read 50 years ago.  But if you had to wait for him to finish the Parade magazine in the Sunday paper before you could read it (and it would only take you 2 minutes), this was not something you would appreciate about him.  In fact, you would find it annoying.  Thankfully I didn't want to read anything else he read....but every Sunday morning I waited and waited for that Parade magazine. And no....he wouldn't consider reading anything else for two minutes so I could get it read. The newspaper must be read in a certain order,  Parade magazine came first...and Dad exercised his parental first reading rights when it came to the newspaper.  His darling children could have wrinkled the pages or something if we had first look, which would have been totally unacceptable.

When my friends bought their first cars, their dads spent hours discussing and advising with them about it.  They went with them to the car lots to test drive.  Many bought it for them.  When I asked my dad for advice, he said "Kimberley, you can research it as well as I can.  Do your research and go and talk to them and ask questions."  When I whined that all the other dads were going with their daughters he said "You're a smart girl.  You can handle it."  Yeah, there was a little bit of pride that he felt me capable.  But I still would have preferred he do it for me.  Honestly, I am not independent by nature.  It was born of necessity.


Dad doesn't usually see the emotional side of things.  Someone can insult my dad to his face...but they won't get a reaction.  Even if he would happen to notice (and honestly, I don't think he does), he really doesn't care.  Tell him some juicy gossip, he will not pass it on.....it wouldn't occur to him to do so.  He either doesn't notice or doesn't care.  Someone can throw a dramatic scene in front of him....he is not going to react.  He either doesn't notice or doesn't care.  You snub him by not inviting him to a social event.   He either wouldn't notice or wouldn't care.  As I have gotten older and noticed how my dad handles this sort of thing, I recognize the wisdom of it.

While he doesn't notice things that other people do, oddly I have a hyper-sensitivity for noticing those sorts of things.  I tend to notice every nuance and every slight.   Intuition is a great thing, but it also can lead to pain.  I have learned that when I find myself getting over-emotional about these people-type issues, Dad's handling has merit.  I should refuse to notice or if I do, I shouldn't care.  Amazing, but when you take out that emotional factor and look at things logically, you find out that there are lots of things that produce anxiety in our lives that just really aren't that important.  And being mad at people for silly things (and most things are silly) is really your own time wasted.   I think possibly Dad figured out the road to contentment a long time ago.  I find that as I am older I am leaning toward that direction, but I am not quite there yet.  I will still notice if you are mean to me.  But I also will probably get over it.  Or get over you.  But there probably won't be much drama.

Dad has always been so strong.....both physically and emotionally.  Definitely someone you can lean on if you need to.  The kind of dad whose arms you will jump into if he tells you he will catch you...because you know he will.  He can do almost anything.  He is amazing at fixing things and figuring things out.  If something breaks, Dad usually can fix it.  (Or, as in the case of electronics, will acknowledge that it is out of his realm.)  Another thing that he didn't quite pass on to me....but something that I have always taken for granted about him and enjoy seeing in the other men in my life (brothers, brothers-in-law, nephews and friends.)  

While Dad spent a lot of his time devoted to work growing up, he has changed as he has gotten older.  I would have never believed he would enjoy retirement, but he does.  He is easily amused....a quality I definitely (and gratefully) got from him.  He can putter around and find some silly thing to capture his interest for hours.  He needs little to enjoy his life.  He actually reads fiction now....I would never have believed I would be swapping reading material with him....and liking it!  He is an amazing gardener and keeps their yard flawless.  And he mows my lawn, too....just because he knows that if I mow it with my push mower, it takes a bit chunk of my free time.  It's such a gift to me.

Dad's media setup is like the internal workings of NASA spacecraft....too complicated for me to even turn on the remote.  Especially since the first problem is to find which remote to use first. 

Dad doesn't usually tune me out these days.....he now seems to listen to what I have to say.  When he gives me feedback it is logical and sound and demonstrates that he recognizes who I am am.  He still does not dictate how I should live.....nor does he force an opinion, though like me at heart he is quite stubborn and opinionated (I was doomed....I got this from both of my parents.)  He still thinks I am a smart girl who can make good decisions for myself.  He allows me to talk through things, occasionally interjecting a question or comment here and there (and an occasional eye roll...something I must have inherited from him), and is still confident that I am going to come up with the right answers on my own.  Or if I don't, I will find a solution.  There is no pressure to adopt his way of thinking or to be any way in particular.  I get to live my own life.

Dad has been a constant and stable force every day of my life.  Like my mom, he was ready to be a parent when they had children.  And they were partners in raising us.  Fatherhood was a bit different back in my growing up years, and with different expectations.  For most there was commitment to the responsibility that they took on.  Today I often see kids with parents who aren't fully committed....parents whose own needs come before the needs of their children.  Parents who don't care much about the kind of human beings they are raising or the kind of example they are to them.  Parents who just don't spend much time with them.  Even when my dad was preoccupied with work when we were growing up, he was there every night (probably somewhat due to my mom's insistence.)  Yeah, maybe he was ignoring my words when I rambled during those childhood years, but he was physically there.  And he listened when it mattered.  And he built trust.  I don't only love him, but I respect him.  It is for a reason...I have watched him, seen his consistency, and know he is solid.  He is a man who can be counted on.  For life.  That's my dad. And I think I will keep him!

Graduating, Growing Up, and Becoming MacGyver

OK, here is what I remember about my high school graduation (North Iredell High School, Class of 1978.  Yeah....long time ago.....stuns me, too.)

• My friend Regina Bridges (Dawson) was salutatorian.  Sorry Regina, but I do not remember one word of your speech.  I am sure if we dug it out, though, we could find ways you inspired my life!  But let's face it.....you inspired my life more just by being my friend all of these years.  But you looked really good up there....I do remember that.
• It rained....or threatened to rain.....so we had to move the whole thing indoors.  Which meant that none of what we had rehearsed worked quite the same.
• While your row sat down, the row in back of you was filing out toward the stage.  Chris Rehardt was not behind me in rehearsal, but now inside was on that row.  He went by and as I was very daintily sitting down, he pulled my chair out from under me.  All of my stuff went flying.  I did not fall down (probably because we were so crammed in there, there was no room to fall.)  Still, I made a scene and Chris laughed all the way up to the stage and when he was getting his diploma.  I am glad someone was entertained.  (And OK....as much as a jerk he was, it was well timed.  I concede the point.)

College graduation (UNC-CH, Class of 1982) came and I did not want to go to the ceremony.  My mother insisted.....she said they had paid for my college, and by golly, they were going to see me graduate.  I am sure they probably regretted it since a Carolina graduation is a madhouse.  But thankfully they don't hand out diplomas.  I remember two things from this graduation.  One of my fellow RTVMP broadcast journalism majors was our class president.  Knowing him well, I did a lot of head shaking and eye rolling during his speech.  Won't go into why, but probably did impact my feelings of politicians.  The only other thing I remembered was the bottles of champagne coming down the rows.  Our own little communion.  When you are a proud graduate of the School of Radio, Television, and Motion Pictures (now defunct), you start preparing for real life even during the ceremony.  (Note:  I was a broadcast journalism major.....which, of course, is a slight bit classier the other RTVMP majors.  Shhhhh.... don't tell anyone I said that.)

I also remember running into my favorite professor on our walk through campus after the ceremony.  He looked quite distinguished in his black faculty robe, and I shocked my mom when I took off running and essentially jumped in his arms and hugged him.  Evidently they don't do that sort of thing with teachers in Wales.  He was my tough as nails editing teacher in the Journalism school.....and he succeeded in finally teaching me how to learn to spell the word "license."  He had claimed I could spell it any way but the right one.  He was what all people should be as teachers....devoted to making sure you got it right, encouraging but also disappointed when you weren't living up to your potential, and a real guy who also shared his real life with us.  He had exceptional skills as a journalist.....and he wanted us to be even better than him.  (Yea for Mr. Raleigh Mann!) 

In between then and now I have attended way too many graduation ceremonies.  You really don't have to invite me to yours.  I will be happy to just attend the party or celebrate later...or even not at all!  Most are horrid and meaningless.  Let's be honest.

I was so happy today that North Iredell seems to have mastered the graduation.  It's early morning, so you aren't there in the worst of the heat and you still have time afterwards for your day.  It gives kids times to celebrate a bit, but then hit the road for the beach and arrive in daylight.  The ceremony was about as short as it could be, but almost exclusively about the kids and not some long-winded faculty member.  And it was in many ways simply a celebration for a bunch of good kids....who I think are going to do great things for our world.  A meaningful graduation.

So since they didn't ask me to give a speech, at either NIHS or Carolina, here are a few words of advice for the great graduates of 2012 (and anyone else who may need to have a little mental graduation of their own!):

• Keep the optimism, keep the joy.  People will try to steal it from you, and things will happen to make you think life isn't that great, but I promise you....it really, really is.  When life seems bad, regroup and refresh.  Take a look around you at the people who seem old (even those that are your age.)  They are generally the people who prefer to lead with pessimism.  Don't let them impact you.  Avoid them if necessary.  Hang as much as possible with the people who find reasons to smile at life.  But not those who fake smile.  They should annoy you.
• Be bold.  Go for all of the good things the world has to offer you.  When you feel like hanging back remember this verse  "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Tim. 1:7.   Focus not on the desire to hang back, but focus on those gifts of power, love, and self-discipline.  Much can come from putting them into action.  They are the answer to a lot of the questions in life.
• Explore the nouns of the world - The people, the places, the things....there is so much out there.  The nouns of the real world will bring you much pleasure.....and there are a lot out there to explore.
• Confront the negatives.  You will face what appear to be overwhelming obstacles.  Do not walk away.  Find a way around them, over them, or through them.  Be creative.  Be fearless.  Be smart.  When you win these battles, you will find they give you extra strength and confidence that will be useful as you attack the next negative.  And there will always be another negative!  
• Don't necessarily let your wrapping be a box.  Boxes are confining.  And require that you conform to them.  Sometimes they may be how you present yourself, because sometimes it pays to appear normal and respect the rules and convention.  But sometimes you need to pop out of a gift bag and surprise people with who you are and who you can be.  Other times you have to wrap yourself in cellophane so people can see the gift you are without having to unwrap it.  Whichever form you take, be a beautiful package.  Make it your goal to be a gift to the world.....whether people notice it or not.
• Develop your character.  I won't ever tell you that it doesn't matter what people think about you, because frankly it does.  Still, the person you are when no one is looking is where your character is found.  That is actually what defines who you are.  Hit the fender of someone's car in a parking lot?  Don't just drive away.  The boss isn't around at work?  Work hard anyway.  Have the opportunity to cheat at something and never get caught?  Don't do it.  Character building is a lifelong discipline....but it's like an exercise.  If you start now, and make it part of who you are, your strength of character will be of Olympic proportions one day.  Let that be a goal.
• Watch your money.  My prayer for you is that you have to work hard for every dollar and get to know the value of working for everything you have.  So many kids today never seem to have to do that and I feel they are being shortchanged.  The truth is that you deserve nothing you haven't worked for.  And sometimes you need to work for free.  There is great value in hard work.   So work hard.  Make your own money....and use it for good things.
• Care about debt.  I'd say that a good plan is to not spend anything you haven't already earned.  But if you must borrow money, pay it back.  I don't care if you borrowed it from your parents, family members, a friend, a stranger, a credit card company, a business, someone with tons of money to spare, or someone you have lost track of....find a way to pay it back.  We've become careless with debt and even your own country buys things it doesn't have the money for.  Be a good example to our government and everyone else in our world.  Always think of interest as your rental fee for money....and fully check out the full cost of that rental before you enter that arrangement.  But once you do....pay what you agreed.  Even if you didn't know what you were getting into in the first place.
• Don't make excuses.  There will always be someone to blame.  Just don't.  Accept responsibility for your actions and be strong enough to see that your decisions lead to your consequences.  Don't bore people with the details.
• Take care of your body.  You know more about health and fitness than any other generation that has come before you.  Don't be stupid.  Cherish that body you have been given and keep it healthy for the long term.  
• Build community.  You can struggle through life on your own, or you can realize you weren't placed on this earth in a bubble.  Life is more fun shared, and burdens are much easier.  Notice other people, and let them get to know you.  Volunteer to help others whenever you can.  Ask for help if you need it.  But often more valuable is to ask them to teach you how to do things in case you need to do it yourself in the future.
• Learn when to say no and when to say yes.  Little words that mean so very much.  Don't be a wimp.  Use them carefully!
• "Dance with the one who brung ya" - In other words, don't forget who you got you to this place.  Along the way in life there are people who invested in your life, be it family, friends, teachers and in some cases strangers.  When the bright and shiny new people come along, don't forget they are there. Most of all, though, you were created by God.  Don't forget Him.  Or if you haven't met yet, get to know Him.  Not as a friend of a friend, or as a friend of the family, but have your own relationship.  That's the only one that counts.

I wish I had been a bit more open to all of the possibilities of the world at both of my graduations.  I'm still learning.  I wish I would have thrown that cap up in the air a bit higher.....but I didn't want to lose the cap.  But maybe I should have.....because graduation in itself means little.  It is just a ceremony that says "You have earned a new tool.  You are MacGyver.  You may use this tool, or you may find something else that gets the job done better.  You are smart.  You are savy.  You are the star of your own show.  But your show can be cancelled at any time, so work as hard as you can so that when it is over, you can look back at it and have it be something that makes you proud."  (And yes, dear graduates, I understand that you may not know MacGyver.  That is your next assignment.  Talk to the old people or look him up on Youtube!  And yes, he was cute.  But he was better than that....he was smart and useful and looked out for the needs of others!)