What I Want For "My Guys"

I figured since I directed my last blog to the girls in my life (though it is mostly applicable to both sexes), I needed to direct the next to my guys. As with the girls, applicable to my guys of all ages.

Someone asked me one day how I was able to remain single all of my life, and though I gave the flippant answer that I hadn't found any other viable options, truth is that I have had a certain freedom to wait for the right man due to the guys in my life. I have guys who care for me well, who save me from myself and my complete ineptitude with most things that require mechanical ability, hand/eye coordination, balance, or power tools, and who have yet appreciated who I am and what I have to offer in return. They tell me I am beautiful, smart, capable, and respect me as a human being. 

I've never once been of the frame of mind that all men are bad, even when I have run across those who let me down, proven themselves to be of poor character, or have just been jerks. Most of the men in my life are pretty amazing....and starting with my dad and brothers, have cared for me well all of my life. (I hope they say the same about me.)

We put a lot of pressure on men. In the old movies, books, and fairy tales we all grew up with, they were always expected to save the day. Regardless of what happened, they were supposed to be in the right place at the right time with all of the right equipment. Oh, and be amazingly handsome and rich besides.

I think perhaps a lot of us still have that expectation. We want Prince Charming to save us. Again and again and again.

So often they do. So often that it remains our expectation. So often that sometimes we don't see the enormous pressure we put them under. We don't listen for the signs that they may just be spent and need a helping hand, acknowledgment, and encouragement.

So guys, know that most of us do care. Know that since part of our brain may be wired with unrealistic expectations, sometimes you need to tell us the truth. Sometimes you have to admit it is hard and a bit overwhelming. Sometimes you need to remind us that we can be your true companions and work alongside you. Often we will all find there is more joy in that than in you doing it all by yourself.

We were created to be much tougher than we appear. Often we abdicate our power, or don't work to exercise it. Adding that load to us is not a burden, when you are willing to share. Sharing the load is often one of the most fulfilling activities of our existence.

Sharing is important. Words are important. Acknowledging and respecting the abilities of others is important. Encouraging us to become more and be more is important, and it is important that you be willing to do the same.

Turn the fairy tales on their head. Don't cater to a lot of princesses. Instead look for the real deal who will hold your hand and encounter what life throws at you as a partner. Look for the one who makes you love life more. Who is perfectly capable of surviving on their own, of being happy on their own, but chooses to spend life with you. And as time goes on, would choose you over and over and over again.

They say that nobody's perfect and that is true enough. But still....you were created as a masterpiece. Whatever your size and shape, whatever your gifts and talents, whatever your occupation or family status, you have enough to change the world. You have power you have never accessed, strength that you haven't begun to tap. And you have purpose. Look for it. Often that purpose is simply living your life with intention and not allowing it to pass by while you lay on the couch watching SportsCenter, with a bag of chips. (Not that there's anything wrong with that on occasion.)

So, my guys, don't feel like you have to carry the world on your shoulders. God will do that for you, so hand it off to him. There are others around you who will help you in this world. You were not put among us to go it alone. Be strong, and courageous, but realize there is not just one way to pull that off. There can be strength through the tears, there is great power in compassion. Learn that you don't have to curl up and fit in a box, but instead there are a lot of ways to stand tall and be a strong man. Be a man you are proud of, whether anyone is watching or not. But know often people will be watching, and they will be following your lead. Take them down a great path and show them the time of their lives. And leave this world, and its hearts, much better than you found them. You, my guys, are my heroes. That doesn't require perfection. And if your story has taken you in the wrong direction, you can either turn around or change your path. You can even ask for directions.

I Love......Meeting Heroes

I love MEETING HEROES. My friend Steve Brady stalked a guy in a bookstore years ago (so this is my interpretation/recollection of Steve's side of the story, and knowing Steve I suspect it is correct) and after following him around for a while, finally went up to him and said "Are you Major Capers?" Steve is a history buff, and has a crazy scary mind for remembering what he has read and seen, and recognized Major Capers from reading about him and hearing stories about him. They started talking and it was, as they say, the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

When Steve told me about it, I didn't know this man's name or anything about his military career, but when he described the Marine recruiting poster he had been on, I knew exactly who he was talking about. I think it must have been from the late 60s or early 70s. He was the first African American man to grace such a poster. "Ask a Marine". I remembered the image because he was so serious and respectful and had such dignity. To me he epitomized a good, strong Marine and I am sure that is why that image stuck with me. Probably why it was such a popular campaign. But it didn't even scratch the surface of Major Capers....this Marine has much to tell when asked.

I met Major Capers for the first time at Steve's retirement from the Navy. He came and shared a few words. I knew who he was....he is one of Steve's personal heroes. He was quiet that day, though, and though I met him I got no stories out of him.

I met him again at Easter two years ago. The Brady family and I took Easter lunch to him at his home and hung out with him for the afternoon. That time the stories flowed.

 

Oh the stories that man has in his brain! The campaigns he served under. The sheer power of a man he was. I am a big Navy Seal fan, and Major Capers did everything they did. (I think he even told me he went through the same training.) He'd talk about the grueling underwater missions. He served during Vietnam and led missions to get our soldiers released from POW camps. He was injured several times. Promoted on the battlefield. He has been awarded many honors.

The story that stands out to me was when he was returning from Vietnam injured, on a stretcher at the airfield. Someone urinated on him. It horrified me when I heard it. It personalized all of the stories I had heard of soldiers returning from Vietnam, that frankly get to just be stories to us after a while with no feelings of passion in our reaction. This was a good reminder to me of the horrors of humanity....and how we have to remember "Never again." This strong and gentle man, that proud Marine on the poster, respected our country so much and was so disrespected in return. Yet, he healed his body and went back to continue to serve.

 

He talked about being in a depression since the death of his wife (their son had pre-deceased her.) He ran away from their house in Jacksonville, NC for a while after her death. He just couldn't deal with it. They were making a movie about him in California, so he went there. Other projects drew him other places. Finally he decided it was time to go back home and face things. Strange that a man that had faced all kinds of danger and tragedy in his life had such difficulty facing this one. But then again, maybe not. His wife had been there through all of those other tragedies, and even if she was far away at times as he served I think she brought him great strength. He lost his rock when she died, the family he had to go home to. He seems lonely.

 

I just finished reading (or rather listening to the audiobook of!) a fictionalized account of French women during World War II (The Nightingale by Kristin Hannah....I recommend!) and it reminded me of the horrors of war. Of how it changes people and brings out the best and the worst. Makes heroes and cowards and activists and passives (no, I don't mean pacifists), brings out sadism and compassion. Personally I would like to pretend that wars don't happen. Especially right now. That we don't have young men and women today, in horrific conditions, dealing with dangerous situations, and changing who they are. Most days I can ignore it. That's horrifying and sad. But I think rather universal.

But yet so many have done so much. So many have served so well. So many come home and just resumed unassuming lives, and we forget. We shouldn't.

I'm glad my friend Steve (don't tell him I said this, but he is a hero himself, having  just retired from a naval career, where among other things he spent time in Iraq doing the unimaginable job of helping to decide the fates of young men who had done horrific things in the war....and not just meeting movie stars, as I usually proclaim) met Major Capers that day and they have mutually chosen each other as family. I feel a kinship with him too. Steve just announced the March issue of Maxim magazine features an article on Major Capers. You should read it. Learn more about him. It's one way to meet a hero. I think you'll love it.

A Game of "I Spy" With Our President

In our world today we seem to sensationalize and glorify the acts of people who have done nothing.  I love reality television, but my fascination with it is probably a bit different than most others.  I find the sociological aspects of it fascinating.  It celebrates the norm....or maybe it is more precise to say we celebrate less than the norm.  Supposedly it makes us feel really good about own dumb choices when we see someone on national TV making dumber choices for all the world to see.  For me I watch and think "What are people willing to do this for a tiny bit of fame and why?"  These silly people, often with less self-awareness and character than the average person, become household names.  Because we make them that way.  Because often we seem to celebrate it.  Which doesn't make me feel good about me at all.  But like I said,  it fascinates me because there are a lot of levels to it that say a bit of who we have become.  And I want to figure it all out, so I can figure out a solution.

Instead of glorifying the bad and mediocre, I think we need to point out the things in this world that are good, and the people who are doing them.  Keep up an ongoing game of "I Spy."  Remember that game?  I think the adult version should generally start out "I spy something good."  Or maybe we also need to add "I spy something bad" so people can identify that, too.  Because I think the lines are really fuzzy these days and for some reason people always define fuzzy as good.  Maybe we can add "I spy something mediocre" and help people see that it's not identical to good.   And for those cynics who buy into the reality tv culture and think only the tawdry is sensational and interesting, the real truth is....good does not have to be boring! 

Some of my friends are almost rabid when people use the word "hero" cheaply.  They say simply living up to your responsibilities shouldn't make a person a hero.  I agree that's probably right.  But in today's time, living up to your responsibilities has become way too rare.  Things that used to be rare, are now common.  Teaching your children right from wrong (and modeling it so they can see it in action), paying what you owe (even if it requires extreme sacrifice), looking out for the needs of the others around you, being a good neighbor, being a good employee, looking after your family and friends, noticing injustice and taking action - these have all in some ways become heroic acts to us because they now so outshine the norm.  We have lowered our standards and lowered our expectations of what we should expect ourselves to be.  Not that I am a believer in shaming people for their failures or hiding our own imperfection....but we shouldn't celebrate it either.

My personal definition is that a hero is an ordinary person who does extraordinary things when faced with a challenge.  Not the definition that others may use, but it is how I choose to define it.  As someone I admire.  From what I have seen the best heroes don't like the label, because it is inconceivable to them that simply doing the right thing can give them a title that is to them the highest level of esteem.  Which they don't see in themselves because they just see the ordinary. But our character comes out in these times of challenge and while a heroic act shouldn't cover over the rest of who we are, it does show a dimension of it....who we can be when we are put to a test.  And at times this needs to be acknowledged and celebrated.  So for me a hero, a person I admire, is someone who simply makes the right choice at the right time.  The impact of that causes ripples that travel the world.

The Presidential Citizens Medal has been given out for over 40 years to Americans who have "performed exemplary deeds of service for their country or their fellow citizens."  If you go to this site Presidential Citizens Medal you can find out about a few of the recent recipients of the award.  It strikes me that a lot of them are simply normal people, who have used their lives for others.  Many are people who have used their own personal tragedy to make a difference.  I like that we honor this.

There are a group of us who believe Ed Ristaino should be a posthumous recipient of this medal.  When faced with a challenge, he made choices that were a testament to his character.  He was piloting his hot air balloon, carrying five skydivers who were going to jump from the balloon.  When a storm unexpectedly came up (yes, it happens even with all the amazing weather prediction tools we have today), he was faced with the challenge of keeping all of them all safe.  He put the balloon in position for the skydivers to jump, and ordered them to do so.  Right then.  Even though it meant the weight of his basket would drop, which would make it even more difficult for him to land his balloon safely.  All five skydivers lived, Ed's balloon was ravaged by the storm and he lost his life.  An ordinary American who did something extraordinary when faced with a challenge.

I can argue that Ed was more than ordinary in his day to day life.  He cared for others, in both his job and in his personal life.  He got involved and helped make dreams come true.  He was not a man who was content to just exist and go through the motions.  But simply by saving the five skydivers, he let our country keep five people who in their own ways will change the our country and our world.  That one unselfish act will impact generations.  In both ordinary and extraordinary ways.

Please join us in our little game of "I Spy" by asking our President to honor Ed's memory with this award.  You can sign a petition at Ed Ristaino for the Presidential Citizen's Medal,  review the qualifications at Qualifications of Presidential Citizens Medal , or write your own letter of recommendation to bring Ed to our President's attention.  

If you aren't familiar with the "I Spy" game, just begin by telling him "Mr. President....I spy something great."  Normally then he would guess until he sees what you see.  But let's suspend the rules of the game a bit and not let this busy man just guess until he gets it right.  Give him a lot of clues so he can see what we see and quickly win the game!  I don't think in this instance it would be considered cheating.  

(Oh....and P.S.  He doesn't have to be the only one you play the game with.  Your senators, your House members.....anyone who may be able to get the ear of the president and make a nomination is a good playmate!  Here's another place to get you started....Link to Contact Info for our Elected Officials.  But remember many of them are out amongst us.  If you see them, have an in-person conversation!  And spread the word to all of your friends.  You can ignore the buzz of one little bee, but not the roar of thousands.)