Pruning the Facebook Tree....or Yelling "Timber"

I had another friend tell me this week that they thought they were going to delete Facebook. This is not a person who uses Facebook very much, so I can't see that the action will change their life very much. I was frankly surprised it was "a thing". I feel it has been a good thing in our lives as friends, allowing us to keep in touch. In fact, I wished this person used it to post more because I love knowing what is going on with them. With the busy-ness of our lives, the preferred direct communication is difficult sometimes. When we do get together there is only time to share so much. To already have an idea of what has been going on? We can cut to the chase and get to the details! I know their encouragement of me (through my excessive posts of daily life) has been a gift.

I had another friend delete Facebook this year, and I will confess it still makes my heart ache. I mourned. It was our only form of communication. Granted it was an acquaintance and not a close friend, but he is someone whose thoughts and insights enhanced my life. His life is very different than mine, and I enjoyed seeing the contrast. I miss him.

Some people seem to see Facebook as this super negative power. It's just an app....though I admit it can have power. But in your life, really only if you allow it to. I believe I hold its power, and don't experience a lot of negatives. I have the power to choose my friends (some are people I have never met, which is weird and wonderful and I guess at times could be creepy. Mostly it has been wonderful.) I control whose posts I see and whose I don't. I seldom block people or posts.....but if I want to, I have the power. If an image or a post particularly bothers me (and granted, some I don't want taking up space in my brain). I can wipe it off my page and focus on others that uplift and encourage me and make me think without shuddering.

I am fascinated by Facebook behavior....by the things that people share and the sides of them that come out when they do. I try to keep things in perspective and realize one statement does not the person make. People have bad days. People express themselves badly. And then there is the opposite. Some people only post the good and amazing parts of their lives. They post words of great wisdom, when truth is they live really screwed up lives. This doesn't bother me. They, too, can say something that encourages or changes me for the better. Even if they really don't live it in their real life. I'll use their words well.

Some people only post about others. They'll tell you about the accomplishments of their children and grandchildren, but never give a glimpse of their own lives. Some rant on topics to the point I wonder what their goal is...though I know they truly have no goal or they would do it another way. They are just letting off steam. Facebook is their chance to vent and get validation from those who agree with them....and start fights with those who don't. They seem both proud and confused when people unfriend them. They are the drama queens and kings of the world....and would probably be offended if you made that observation to them. But we know it, don't we? Most of us don't choose to live such drama in our lives and should not take it as reality.

Which leads me to another observation I have made lately....how many people are slaves to the opinions of other people. Oh, I am not beyond it....which probably is why it fascinates me so much. I have identified that as a personal weakness. In doing that I give myself power to change it. I tend to notice it in myself more quickly and put things in perspective a bit faster. One of the greatest truths I have ever learned is that people are human. Yeah...inane statement to some...insert eye roll here if you find it necessary. But as an analytical type, that simple statement has often changed my whole view of things. 

Even the brightest and most intuitive can be off base about things. I learned this best from people criticizing me (and while I have been criticized a lot in person, nowhere near as much as on Facebook. Especially from complete strangers.) I used to agonize when someone I respected made a critical comment about me that didn't ring true. It confused the daylights out of me. I would obsess about it and look for the truth of it. They had to be right...they were smart and had made many observations of people and things that were on point. But as I marinated in their words (sometimes preparing to grill myself), as I looked at who I know myself to be, I simply didn't agree with what they said. Or I agreed completely in the observation itself, but where they saw it as a weakness in me, I saw it as a strength. It was not something I wanted to change, just because they said so. As for a stranger criticizing me, it only hurts until I consider the source and remember they are judging me based on one written comment....it smarts a bit longer when my "real" friend doesn't defend me as a person of value.
The Facebook meme words of wisdom would tell me to cut these people completely out of my life. They would be seen as negative influences and therefore should be banned. But if you look at everyone as simply human, you realize that you can keep people like this in your life and simply realize they are sometimes wrong. Or they are right in a way, but it is not something that you need to change now. Or ever.

There are parts of who I am that annoy other people (sometimes I annoy myself), but I am not inclined to change them. I am sometimes a difficult friend. I am on occasion brutally honest. It's a family trait, inherited from both sides. The McKinneys and the Scotts are honest and blunt and critical and very often loud in spouting their thoughts. Not an excuse for me to do it excessively, but it is what I know. And I prefer going through life this way rather than being someone who wears a mask all the time.

If you are my real life friend, I almost always have an opinion on the choices you make in your life. There will be few times you don't know what these opinions are, whether you ask for them or not. As your friend, I feel the obligation to tell you. My goal is to only say these things to you one time if they are negative, unless you bring them up again yourself. Or unless I see you making what I believe are critical errors in your life and I am following you around with a life preserver so you don't drown. I sometimes fail in that "one time only thing", but most of my friends know the magic words are "We've already discussed this." That usually makes me put a clamp on it.  But if you know me well, you know I believe you get to make your own choices in life. You get to make mistakes. You don't have to change yourself or how you live because I have an opinion. These things in themselves will not ruin our friendship. If they cause struggle or consequences for you, hopefully these will be the times I will be there for you the most. Even if I could say "I told you so."

There are people I don't particularly care for. There are days I don't like or respect even my closest friends. There are times I feel unappreciated and overlooked. There are times I don't meet expectations and times I offend. Sometimes I ask for advice and decide your view is not my own, so don't take it. It doesn't mean it wasn't valuable....but sometimes it simply clarified my own take. No offense intended. And there are times when I decide certain opinions of me just don't matter. Even from the best of people. These times seem to increase with age.

But "unfriending" friends? I don't do it often. I am OK when they do it to me and realize they have that right and don't owe me an explanation. Though I have been known to ask anyway. Because yeah.....sometimes the curiosity gets the best of me. And sometimes I want to know how someone I love can discard me (because sometimes that is how it feels). Even though, once again, I fully believe they have that right. You are not obligated to be my friend for life. Well....some of you are. But me believing that doesn't mean it is necessarily right.

In my life I have learned that often if I run from certain relationships or try to pretend certain people don't exist, God will keep putting these people in my path. Over and over and over again until I realize I just need to surrender. Usually it is to remind me that they are more than a caricature. They are a complicated human, both good and sometimes "evil". That does not mean they are worthless. And because they are not where I am in life, or where I think they should be, it does not mean that God is not prodding me to love them well. Where they are....without judgment. How does shunning people change them for the better? It's a concept I have thought about a lot in recent years, especially since I had discussions with a friend about certain Christian groups that do it often (I had no idea), and I abhor the whole concept. I admit I wanted to join one of these churches for the express purpose of eventually being shunned. But that's a character flaw with me. (And one that I kinda enjoy.)

But as for us....spending our time trying to convince anybody their opinion of us is wrong (especially strangers) is usually moments of your life wasted. It's fine to be who you are today. You have to accept where you are so you can be better tomorrow. Work on not ever living life for applause from anyone but God. (He knows you inside and out and is not going to unfriend you.) Let that be enough.

Those folks who tie you up in knots? They are mere mortals. Just like you. Fallible and wonderful. But sometimes you do need to avoid them and regain your equilibrium. 
That;s OK.

You've heard this from me before. If you don't have people around you who love you warts and all, who don't acknowledge all of who you are, who spend all of their time with you trying to mold you into who they think you should be, and who don't include you in their lives with open arms and open doors, then knock down those walls you have put up to everyone else and open up yourself to the world. Find your tribe. You need those who support you well, so you can counter the many you will run into who won't. Sometimes you make changes in your tribe. Your needs may be different, or theirs. You may no longer serve each other well. Sometimes hard relationships are worth it. Sometimes they are not.

A relationship is not just about you....think of the needs of others equal to your own needs. Not more, not less....equal is best. There needs to be balance there. Love the full person (even the things you don't like.)  Don't give them a life sentence for a minor infraction. Embrace the good parts. Minimize the bad parts. Be kind to strangers. And cut the public drama. Quietly prune your friends list, if you need to (stop with the public "I am deleting 97.6% of my friends today who I no longer need in  my life". What's the point of that anyway?) Walk totally away if it burdens you excessively. But think twice before you destroy that tree. Maybe you need to prune, and in time it will produce fruit you will enjoy eating.

You can control Facebook. It doesn't need to control you. One thing I like about it....it's a microcosm of our world. You can learn a lot about others. And about yourself. I don't see that as a bad thing. Even if on days you are really aware that we can all be quite annoying. But on another day....oh, how beautiful our people, how beautiful our world.

I Love........Perspective

I love PERSPECTIVE. So often we look at something head on, and only see the surface. We'll twist our head a bit and see something that had been totally out of view before. Then maybe we'll look at it from behind, and once again we have to shift our opinion. It's not what it appeared to be at first glance. It's amazing when we realize it, but often our memories forget to remind us of this wonder the next time we find ourselves gazing intently at something, and so we start the process all over again. We have to re-gain perspective.

It's probably why I love having people in my life with very diverse outlooks. I especially love those who are original thinkers....who don't take the average opinion  and make it their own, but who carefully consider topics using their own senses, information gathering, experimentation and judgment, and come to their own conclusions. They have perspective.

I remember in college I took a loathsome astronomy observatory lab. We had to take telescopes and point them into the heavens and do some sort of measurements. Yeah, I didn't understand what it all meant then either. To compound my problem, I picked the fun people as my group mates. Dumb idea. Dumb, dumb idea. So what is this group of fun, but not necessarily astronomy-smart, people to do? We would go around to the other groups, get their answers, average them all (I had some math skills!), and whatever we came up with was our answer. Great idea, right?! Nope! We failed miserably. In coming up with the averages, we were never getting the correct answers. One group may be off by a long shot, others right on point. Even throwing high and low answers out wouldn't work, because what if only one group understood the concept (as often happened)? Since we didn't quite understand the question, we couldn't discern whether the answers made any sense. We were losers. I picked a different group the next time.

Sometimes my thinking gets in a rut. OK, sometimes I don't think at all. I find I am going through life by rote, not thoughtfully. If you surround yourselves with a few thoughtful types, they won't let you stay in that place for long. They will challenge the lazy mind you have adopted and make sure you do not rest until you form a thoughtful opinion of your own. There aren't a lot of these folks in the world, but I am blessed with a few I hold dear. They are jewels...it matters to them that I think for myself, and they would be highly insulted if I simply adopted their opinions as my own. I feel the same about them. Without thinking before we discuss, and without coming to the table with a point of view, we lose the ability for iron to sharpen iron. But when we bring together two (or more) different points of view, we often discover new truths. Sometimes we adopt a new opinion, a compilation of something from one and something from another. But in the end it seems....more right!

Some folks really hate individual perspective.....they think we all need to look where they are looking and see what they are seeing. The possibility that their view may not be right is forbidden to ever enter their minds. The muscles of their minds (yes, we're speaking figuratively here) are quite strong in one sense, because they hold tight to their single point of view. What would that be called - brain isometrics? It's difficult to make them budge. And they don't, because they fear what would happen if they really exercise that muscle. You discuss a subject with them and they won't participate - their mind is like a battering ram. It's why we call them the hard-headed ones. Arguing with them is pointless, because they will not consider the possibility of being wrong.

There are times I get overwhelmed by how much I don't know....or by how many things I need to learn over and over. I feel like my brain just isn't big enough to think through the problems I encounter in life.  I worry and stress and think I am doing it all wrong, but can't figure out how to get it all right.

Ultimately, when it gets down to it, the trump card in the thinking game is that God is bigger. Life's problems really can appear to be enormous. We really may be inadequate to handle. But there is comfort in knowing that God, the designer and creator of the universe, is in control. While I only see those things in my line of vision, He has the total picture in His sight. He has the ultimate perspective.

I love perspective.

My Two Year Anniversary

It's the second anniversary of my blog. For an ADD (that's Attention Deficit Disorder) girl, that's a milestone! But it's been fun, it's been therapeutic, and has caused me to think out loud. Usually in a good way, I think. At times I have been vulnerable, at times not vulnerable enough. It has shown me my pride (often not the good kind!), my passions, and sometimes caused me to change myself. Still, I think I have probably only scratched the surface of where I need to go. There's exploration that needs to be done there. There are some subjects on which I have strong opinions, but for different reasons I have been reluctant to share my thoughts. Some of those I will probably never speak of publicly, but it often nags at me. When do you speak, when do you keep your mouth shut? It's a delicate balancing act. I hope I can be wise as to what is most important.

I'm a person who loves an opinion, and I admit a prejudice against some of you who never seem to have one on anything that counts. I don't buy it. You must have them! In fact, I will go as far as to say that I think you are a selfish coward if you keep them to yourself (bless your heart.) But I get it. I think we have lost the ability to debate  without taking things personally. I understand the reluctance to put yourself out there, to not want to be challenged by bullies who will try to smack you down if you disagree with them. We demonize people who dissent or dare to approach things from a different angle. But if we debate correctly, if we talk and listen instead of yelling with our fingers in our ears, we just may find new solutions that work for us all. We seem to have lost a level of civility. For example, I shake my head at Christians who disrespect our leaders because they think they are doing things against God's will....yet they don't fault themselves for not respecting their leaders. That splinter in the leader's eye is missed with the log in their own. I also shake my head at those who believe internet rumors or act like they know the inner minds of people they have never met. People who paint people by political party, or allow themselves to be painted. Truth is, we are all worth more than that.

It also bothers me how easily we give people life sentences for next to nothing. Someone makes a mistake, or is in a different place than us, or has a bad day, and we allow that to totally color who they are in our eyes. We also try to color the perceptions of others. I've seen myself do that to people and it's a habit I am trying to break. I often ask myself "Was that really a misdemeanor offense or a felony?"  If it's a felony, how long should they have to serve? Can I let them off when they serve their time or for good behavior? I want to be a fair judge. And yeah, you who say I shouldn't judge, That's wimping out in another way. Of course there is a degree to which we have to judge others. We have to be aware of those who can cause harm to ourselves or others, for example. But then again, there are many, many things that are simply none of our business. We should keep our nose out of those things. Really, you have enough of your own stuff you should be concerned about!

So as I begin the third year of my blog, my goal is to be a bit more vulnerable. To be a bit more opinionated. To be a lot more kind and a lot more brave. I want that verse that says "be strong and courageous" to take on new meaning in my life. That is my hope and my prayer. I want to celebrate good people, good places, and good things. I want to share my faith, which I really don't believe should be a private thing, but also I don't think it should be something I demand you believe. I like that God gave us free will...but I am also a Calvinist....I believe God pursues His people and allows them to go on unbelievable journeys. Sometimes through really crummy places as really crummy people. But as long as there is life, there is hope. And people can change. If they really look in the mirror.

I'm at an age where I am losing those dear to me too often, but I am also meeting babes who I may be fortunate to see grow to maturity and become interesting adults. We don't come with warranties and our lifetime guarantees vary. I think I finally am beginning to even see the beauty in that. It is a curious and amazing world, and I hope I get to write about it for another year.

But for today, thank you to those who read my thoughts.  Thank you to those who love me, thank you to those who encourage me, thank you to those who challenge me, and thank you to those who remind me of how little I know. There are places for me to explore, both physically and emotionally, and life on earth is short. I want to make it memorable....and worthwhile. Join me?

What "He" Said.....

So I had a little run-in this week with someone that calls himself a "street preacher."   Really, all I said was that I didn't think he and I would make a good match because I didn't think our evangelism styles meshed.  I was polite.  I promise.  I didn't even go into a short explanation of my feelings of street preaching, let alone a long one.  Just said our styles don't mesh.

His response to me was that

1. I am not a Christian.  
2. My theology is off.
3. Jesus called us into action (ie street preaching) in John 3:16 and I wasn't doing what he said there.  
4. I am "religious" "God's word, not yours."  
5. I don't read my Bible;  and 
6. He (this guy) "lived it" and I "walked by".

Yeah....I responded.  I think I remained kind.  But I was pretty direct in my response.  I could have been kinder and possibly had an interesting conversation with him if he wasn't so antagonistic. But here in a nutshell are the basics of my rebuttal....

1. I am a Christian.  He may not be aware of this since this is between me and God.  But God knows it, as do I.
2. I didn't respond to the theology thing.  Yeah, my theology probably is off in some places.  But don't think he had enough information about me to make that judgment. 
3. John 3:16 talks about me believing and what God has done so I can.  Doesn't mention any other action on my part that I can find.
4. He says I am religious as God defines.  So did he mean this as an insult?  I hope I am religious God's way....but I think I fall short.  God's religion is taking care of those who need assistance - widows, orphans, etc.  I don't do it enough.  But I make an attempt!
5. Yeah, I read my Bible.  Not nearly enough.  But I do.  And I both listen to God....and talk back.
6. For me evangelism is living my life in this world.  As me, a Christian.  A pretty imperfect one.  Hopefully a pretty transparent one. 

I'm admittedly not a fan of most street preachers.  I think often it's more about them being the center of attention than it is about God being introduced to people.  I don't like to be yelled at, don't like to be taunted, don't like people assuming they know who I am and where I stand when they have never bothered to try to get to know me.  But I am not against them.  I know people whose lives have been changed by street preachers.  So while it's not usually appealing to me, I believe that sometimes they are called and used by God.  But it is not something that God has called me to do.  Yet.  If He does, there I will be.

God also hasn't called me to go door to door and tell people anything.  Just like when I hate when complete strangers yell at me in the street, I hate when people come to my door (unless they need something or have been invited.) I'm probably not always welcoming when they do.  (OK....I seldom am.)  I hope I don't turn away angels in disguise....but I also trust that if it is an angel, if I am paying attention to God, He will let me know and my door will be open! 

I also am not going to be handing out a lot of religious tracts.  And not leaving them in restaurants.  Especially if they are not accompanied by the waitperson's biggest monetary tip of the day.  Nothing wrong with tracts themselves (there are some great ones), but they're usually a bit too canned for me.  And I am still annoyed by the guy who just left me a religious tract when I was his waitress back in college.  Since God had already given me the gift of salvation, and it was only God's gift to give, he left me nothing!  And I had lots of bills to pay.  Not that tips are ever mandatory...but you would think my brother in Christ would want to help the poor college student, wouldn't you?!  (Yeah....it's been about 30 years.  I guess probably it is time to forgive the old guy, isn't it?!  I'll work on that.)

I do believe in evangelism.  For my friends who are not Christians (or who are and hate that word)....and who want to run screaming as I make that statement....don't get too scared.  I have believed in it for as long as you have known me.  The center of my life is my faith.  It's hard for you to know who I am if I start hiding this.  Just as it's hard for me to get to know who you really are, and what you believe, if you don't share it with me.  Wherever you are in your journey, whatever you believe, whoever you are, you don't have to clean up when I come around and become something you're not.  You get to be yourself.  I love a lot of people who don't believe as I believe and who aren't very much like me at all.  I like it that way.  Gives us things to talk about.  But we don't have to talk about God if you don't want to.  All people believe in something.  Some haven't quite figured out what that is.  Some have....and it isn't the same God as me.  There's something driving your choices, the way you live your life, the way you reconcile this world in your minds.  And whatever it is, it interests me.  I hope that if I am your friend, what I believe interests you.

Seems to me that God in His infinite wisdom gave us all free choice to decide what we believe and how we live our lives.  Whether we accept Him or not....it's a choice.  Would be a bit crazy if I tried to change it all to suit me...and I wouldn't, because I don't disagree with His decision.

I don't have to go preach out on a street corner to believe in the power of John 3:16.  I think Mr. Street Preacherman is kinda missing the point of that verse.  Eternal life is a free gift.  We have the freedom to accept it or reject it.   But if I accept it, I don't have to pay for it, I don't have to be good enough for it, I don't have to work it off, I don't have to fit in any sort of little Christian mold.  No matter what "he" says.