Counting the Cost of Healthcare

My niece went to the dentist the other day. She's new to this adult thing, and like many of us (even those much older!), trusts healthcare providers to help her make good decisions. They told her they needed to take x-rays because it had been a while since she had them taken. She agreed....they are the experts and they said it was necessary. Later on, after the x-rays had been taken, the dentist told her that her insurance "probably" wouldn't cover the additional panoramic x-rays they had taken. They never told her what it would cost her, never explained in advance they weren't covered by her insurance, and never talked to her about why they found them necessary until after they were taken.

I was a bit frustrated when I heard her accounting of it. Knowing insurance as I do, I know that panoramic x-rays are covered....if necessary and usually on a schedule that is consistent with (or more generous than) the guidelines established by the American Dental Association. Essentially they were telling her they couldn't make a case for the coverage of it with her insurance company...but they assumed that she (a college student) would just pay for it. Without knowing the cost beforehand. Without consideration of her having a voice in the decision at all.

I had a situation that was somewhat related a couple of years ago when I was in the process of deciding what kind of braces I was going to get....either traditional wire or Invisalign. I had been told the result would be a bit better with traditional, but I would need to see an oral surgeon before I did that because I would need teeth pulled. I made an appointment for a consultation with the oral surgeon.

I admit I am a bit of  pain-in-the-rear patient for a provider who does not like an involved patient. I see myself as an integral part of any decision that concerns my health....so ask a lot of questions and want to, as much as I am able, understand what is going on with my body and exactly what is expected from my treatment. Luckily I have found providers who respect my questions and don't make me feel like a weirdo for asking them. Well OK, sometimes they think I am a weirdo, but they humor me!

Having been in the insurance industry in some capacity for over 30 years, I also see myself as a consumer of healthcare. Yep, I often ask how much things cost. Before they deliver the service. I also try to determine if I think the service is necessary. Yes, I trust my providers, but I also know I look at life differently than a lot of people. What they may see as necessary, I may feel is not. There are risks with most procedures.....do I want to take that risk? I want veto power over everything, and also the ultimate responsibility for what is done to me. I believe if I am passive, not only can my care possibly not meet my needs, but I know healthcare can become more expensive for all of us. I am passive too often (it's exhausting)....so I apologize for those times I don't question things....not for the times I do.

Anyway, my oral surgeon visit....I was there on time, a copy of my panoramic x-ray in hand. No one was in the waiting room, but it took a very long time for them to call me back. In fact, I thought perhaps I was in a ghost town. When they finally did call me (and no other patient seemed to be in the office at the time), the oral surgeon seemed to only see my mouth. He didn't introduce himself or talk directly to me. He ordered his assistant to take another panoramic and quickly left the room. Not a word said to me. I was stunned.

The assistant appeared shocked herself when I said "Did he said he wanted another panoramic? I just had one. No....I don't want another one. My insurance won't cover it and I don't want the extra exposure to radiation." She told me I would have to talk to him about it. Thirty minutes later he came back into the room. He acted like I was being unreasonable. Maybe I was....I didn't care. I believe in myself when it comes to this stuff. He finally said he would do the panoramic without charge. I said "Can you also do it without radiation?" He got angry. I knew by then he was not a doctor I could respect....so I just left as quickly as possible. Livid that I felt that he disrespected me and probably many other patients. I went for the Invisalign braces and never regretted that decision.

I once went to visit an allergist and was charged for an "intermediate" office visit. I didn't even sit down in his office. What would have been a "short" office visit with that guy? He didn't examine me at all. I went in, he asked what my problem was, I said I was having severe headaches, he said allergies don't cause headaches, and wrote me a referral to neurologist. (I never did see that neurologist. It turned out the sweetener in some sugar-free mints was causing the headaches and I figured that out myself. Isn't that an allergy of sorts? I never saw that allergist again. I am allergic to grass, I mow grass, and get headaches. Don't tell me they are not related.)

When diagnosed with restless legs syndrome I was given a new medication that was also used for multiple sclerosis. It was very expensive and very strong. I knew day one it was not good for my body. The doctor told me to stay on it for a month. I lasted two weeks....maybe. I decided the treatment was worse than the condition. It was a couple of years later that my regular nurse practitioner (who was out of the country at the time I got the other medication) prescribed another medication for me.....it costs me less than $3 a month. It changed my life. (I began to sleep again!) Why wasn't that drug the first one that was offered?

We've become a nation that will drive across town to save a quarter on a gallon of milk, but we don't ask what our MRI costs before we get it. We don't ask the cost of a prescription. We don't seek the least costly treatments first. We don't know what the cost of an office visit with our doctor is compared to the doctor next door. Many of our doctors often don't know the cost of our office visit or the medication they prescribe either (trust me....I have asked.) I understand it is complicated....the charge depends on whether you have insurance or not and which insurance you have. Oh....and the cost is not your copay. What is important is the total charge. I guarantee if you ask, you will be surprised at how much some things and how little is paid for others.

I see both the good and the bad of our healthcare system, and have no brilliant solutions for how we can make things work perfectly, but one thing we can each do....we can become better consumers. We can ask what things cost. We can ask why we need particular services. We can question ourselves as to whether we think that the benefits are worth the cost of the treatment. We can be our own advocates, and trust that we are an expert on ourselves.  And we can challenge our providers, as very busy and stressed as they are, to know the cost of the care they give and the drugs they prescribe.

I believe my niece is going to be a great healthcare consumer. She is listening and learning with each encounter. Her dad is asking her a lot of tough questions that are not allowing her to look at it all passively, that are requiring that she question the system. I know she hates it. I still do, too. But it is important. Not just to her pocketbook, but to the pocketbook of us all. It's important to the quality of care she will receive. Positive change doesn't usually happen when we are passive, but when we get up on our high-horse a bit and require that it happen. Our healthcare system can use quite a bit of positive change. Let's make it better.

Putting the Happy in the Birthday

Not to brag, but Google is celebrating my birthday today! They had this picture waiting for me. Thanks Google! You know I love you more than anyone, huh?

 

So it's my birthday. I am 54 today. A bit weird to think about, stunning even, but I believe having the opportunity to live a lot of years on this earth is a good thing. I am not ashamed of the age, but instead grateful. Good thing, since there would be no way to escape it. I am surrounded by a lot of people who have known me for a lot of years, and they would gleefully call me out on it if I did!

I've had some bad birthdays over the years. Not a lot, but enough that the last time it happened (which wasn't that long ago) I did a bit of self analysis. I realized I was expecting other people to put the happy into my birthday.

My large family has never been big on celebrating the birthdays of adults (though hopefully every kid has great memories of wonderful celebrations, even if Aunt Kim's gifts rarely make it to them on the day.) I know without a doubt that my mom will call and sing to me today, and I expect I will hear from most of the siblings (OK...I had better hear from all) and some of the nieces and nephews. But that is the extent to our family celebrations. No complaints here, because I am notorious for forgetting important days in general and I would be a constant disappointment to everyone if  they depended on me to remember and lead the celebrations. There is no pressure in our family for birthdays and I like that.

But I have had a few birthdays that have come around and I realized I had absolutely no plans of any sort of celebration. No one had mentioned doing anything, and it just creeped up on me, and really when I realized it....well, it was a bit embarrassing that I had no plans. What do you do, say at the last minute "It's my birthday, will someone celebrate with me?" I once thought that would be horrifying, but now I think it would be perfectly appropriate!

When that has happened in the past I admit there are times I had a pity party for one. It made it a day of sadness instead of a day of celebration of the wonderful life I was given. That is not how I now choose to live. (And yes, I believe if you do spend your birthday in sadness, it is your choice. And it is not one of your better choices.)

I am not the only one who has experienced those feelings.....I know! Not that we will often publicly admit it. It is a point of shame. We human beings are quite silly about such things.

While often my lack of plans have to do with the simple fact of being single and everyone thinking I have all sorts of wonderful and exciting things going on (Ha!), others experience the letdown of having spouses, kids, and significant others fail to meet their birthday expectations. Sometimes they hijack "my day" and make it about them. Or just not about us. They love you, or proclaim they love you, but you're not feeling it. They don't think for a minute of how you would most like to celebrate. They plan something, but it is what they want to do and not what you want to do. They refuse to leave their comfort zone for even a minute to make the day special for you.

You think I am going to blast them, huh? Truth is, you own your birthday (as you do all of your days.) They are a gift to you from God. They should all be celebrated, and you should plan the celebration, and not depend on others to make it happy for you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't accept someone else planning a celebration on your behalf....gratefully accept it and enjoy it. Grade them on a curve if it is not exactly how you would do it. People fall short at this for a lot of reasons. It isn't necessarily an indication of how much they care....or don't care. Sometimes it is just a difference in how they view birthdays.....or the fact that they are pre-occupied with things that have nothing to do with you. (Yeah, sometimes that pre-occupation is with themselves. It happens. With most of us. We're basically self-centered sinners.) Sometimes they freeze because they are like deer in the headlights....they know they need to do something, but can't decide what. Other times it a time to be passive-aggressive, for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with you. Regardless, it is definitely not something to waste much of your life grieving about! (And some of you, of us, have spent valuable time obsessing on this....admit it!) Take back the ownership of your day. Don't try to force them to make you happy. That's an impossible task.

The celebration of you by others (or lack thereof) doesn't have to be the extent of your own celebration. If it is not the way you prefer to celebrate your life, throw your own birthday party. You can even be the only guest! It doesn't even have to be on the day. Just ask yourself "what makes me feel alive and full of joy and grateful to God for my gift of life?"....and do it!

Really I am not whining about my lousy life here, because as most of you know (and I definitely do) my life is more than wonderful and worthy of great celebration. I am well loved. I celebrate that. Since I have taken ownership for my birthdays, they have become much more enjoyable. Mostly because now I see the celebration as my job and the focus of my day. I will be grateful for all I have been given. I will be happy, I will be joyful. For me, how the hours are spent are not nearly as important as my state of mind as I celebrate them. More than any other say of the year I want to focus on the fact that life is a gift, and is so, so good!

My plans for my day are to get a massage from my awesome friend Diana, and then she is taking me out to lunch. We also plan to get our nails done. Tonight I get to attend a birthday party celebrating my friend Patrice, for whom it is one of those special "end in 0" birthdays. She is a great gift to my life, so what a great opportunity!

At some point today I plan to eat cake. Good cake. Chocolate. One of the "bad" birthday memories that most makes me laugh about myself is the birthday I cried because the day was totally uneventful and I DIDN'T EVEN GET CAKE! Oh, the tragedy! One of those times when I had that moment when I realized what I was doing and I was a bit horrified. I said to myself.  "Really?????? This is what is important to you?" (And my answer was yes. Sort of. But I had to laugh.)

But such "tragedies" are an easy thing to remedy. If I don't get my chocolate cake today (and I mean really good chocolate cake....bad cake is also tragic), I will prolong the celebration and eat it soon.  I now acknowledge I can celebrate my birthday any day because any day is a good day to celebrate the fact that we were born. Why limit it?

So happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to you. I am so glad we were born. Celebrate your life well...and thank God for the days and the years. You are the gift. Share yourself with the world. And bring the happy to your own party.

Independence

I think often we forget the name of this holiday is Independence Day. A great thing to celebrate. So much more than the 4th of July. Different than simply a day to celebrate freedom (which isn't so simple at all and definitely worthy of its own celebration). I forget the distinction myself often and in doing so I think I have missed an important lesson that it is worthy to re-visit more than once a year.

So many things bind us, both actual and imagined. We make the decision every day as to whether we will continue to answer to these things. They're not all bad. In fact, I would say that often the toughest things to break away from are those things which are inherently good. Some of the ties that bind us are made of pure love. They make us feel secure. They give us support to get through the day. They have given us strength in the past and made us what we are today.

But sometimes they also keep us from growth. They keep us from being brave. They keep us from being all we can be.

I remember when I graduated from college and it was time for me to truly support myself for the first time.  I have to give some credit to my parents here....as supportive as they were, they raised me to become independent. That's healthy parenting. I am sure there were many nights they worried. Though they did bail me out of a few financial issues, like a broken-down car from time to time, mostly they let me work it out myself. Yep, I resented it sometimes. I like being dependent. At least for some things. But having to face the fears of growing up is what gave me confidence....and pride....in my ability to handle an awful lot on my own. It gave me the ability to do more and be more.

When I was in my 20s I had a boss who still supported his children who were in their 40s. He paid their rent (or let them live in properties he owned), he paid their car payments, he paid for numerous college experiences that they either flunked out of or quit. He knew my paltry salary, and after a conversation in which I was telling him about some of my dollar stretching strategies he said "So your parents don't help you with your bills at all?"  I laughed and said "No!" He said "How did they do that?" I said  "They don't give us an option. They taught us that we're not owed anything. We work for what we get and if we don't have the money for it, we don't buy it." (To tell you the truth I don't think I had consciously known that myself until I told him!) I could tell the whole idea of this was foreign to him.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about some of the things that bind us. Opinions. Expectations. Relationships. Jobs. Family. Money. Stuff. Past mistakes. History. Adequacy. Fear. Religious traditions that are not religious truth. 

What is keeping you from becoming better, from living your purpose? From what do you need to declare your dependence and move on independently? You were created as a unique individual, with your own worth. Your own purpose. What trail do you need to blaze? Take a lesson from our forefathers and consider, is it time to declare your own Independence Day, and live in "the land of the free and the home of the brave"?

Take a read of what our forefathers were thinking at the time of our country's independence, which we celebrate today. Does any of it ring true in your life? Here's to your own personal Independence Day....and life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness! Let the fireworks begin...and if necessary, let's blow something up!

The Unanimous Declaration Of The Thirteen United States of America

In Congress, July 4, 1776

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness; that, to secure these rights, governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed; that whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and, when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them, and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing, with manly firmness, his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining, in the mean time, exposed to all the dangers of invasions from without and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies, without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the military independent of, and superior to, the civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution and unacknowledged by our laws, giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us;

For protecting them, by a mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states;

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world;

For imposing taxes on us without our consent;

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury;

For transporting us beyond seas, to be tried for pretended offenses;

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries, so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these colonies;

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments;

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow-citizens, taken captive on the high seas, to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrection among us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes, and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms; our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in our attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them, from time to time, of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity; and we have conjured them, by the ties of our common kindred, to disavow these usurpations which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too, have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity which denounces our separation, and hold them as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

WE, THEREFORE, the REPRESENTATIVES of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in General Congress assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the authority of the good people of these colonies solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British crown and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved; and that, as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

[Signed by] JOHN HANCOCK [President]

New Hampshire 
JOSIAH BARTLETT, 
WM. WHIPPLE, 
MATTHEW THORNTON.

Massachusetts Bay
SAML. ADAMS,
JOHN ADAMS,
ROBT. TREAT PAINE,
ELBRIDGE GERRY

Rhode Island
STEP. HOPKINS,
WILLIAM ELLERY.

Connecticut
ROGER SHERMAN, 
SAM’EL HUNTINGTON, 
WM. WILLIAMS, 
OLIVER WOLCOTT.

New York
WM. FLOYD, 
PHIL. LIVINGSTON, 
FRANS. LEWIS, 
LEWIS MORRIS.

New Jersey
RICHD. STOCKTON, 
JNO. WITHERSPOON, 
FRAS. HOPKINSON, 
JOHN HART, 
ABRA. CLARK.

Pennsylvania
ROBT. MORRIS
BENJAMIN RUSH,
BENJA. FRANKLIN,
JOHN MORTON,
GEO. CLYMER,
JAS. SMITH,
GEO. TAYLOR,
JAMES WILSON,
GEO. ROSS.

Delaware 
CAESAR RODNEY, 
GEO. READ, 
THO. M’KEAN.

Maryland
SAMUEL CHASE,
WM. PACA,
THOS. STONE,
CHARLES CARROLL 
of Carrollton.

Virginia
GEORGE WYTHE,
RICHARD HENRY LEE,
TH. JEFFERSON,
BENJA. HARRISON,
THS. NELSON, JR.,
FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE,
CARTER BRAXTON.

North Carolina
WM. HOOPER,
JOSEPH HEWES,
JOHN PENN.

South Carolina
EDWARD RUTLEDGE,
THOS. HAYWARD, JUNR.,
THOMAS LYNCH, JUNR.,
ARTHUR MIDDLETON.

Georgia
BUTTON GWINNETT,
LYMAN HALL,
GEO. WALTON.

The Smile Underneath

I was talking on the phone at work to this lady about Medicare supplements when she said her husband had a few questions for me. He was a definite character and his questions all began with a story. A rather long story, that didn't lead to an obvious point. I could feel the impatience of his wife through the phone line and hear her urging him to wrap it up. He started protesting "She called me to the phone, now she doesn't want me to ask my questions." It was obvious that she just didn't want to hear his stories.....again. They continued to quibble, until he finally asked his questions, and she dismissed him. I could hear him protesting and grumbling as he walked away. He had more to say but she felt like he had said enough. He had. From that little exchange, though, I could feel the love between them.....and the smiles in their voices as they argued with each other and were so good for each other. It made me smile, too.

We all know that everyone is made up of their internal and their external. What we see on the outside is often very different than what would be seen on the inside. Relationships are like that, too. Relationships, like people, have character. What is important is not who people are when everyone is looking, but who they are when no one is looking. Or who they are when they don't think people are paying attention. The little moments show the roots of the relationship.

These roots are fed by two (or more) people, who come to the relationship with "their stuff". Are our roots allowing the other person (people) in the relationship to thrive, or are we choking the life out of them? It's one of the things in life I find to be most interesting.

Below the surface some people hide a tempest, which can rise quickly and unexpectedly. This can be shocking to see, scary and annoying, even when you understand that this tempest represents unresolved pain. To live with that tempest on the edge of eruption day after day is quite a difficult thing to maneuver. These folks walk through life with an internal volcano, dormant but brewing to active. How difficult is it to live with that in your belly? How difficult is it to live with that by your side? They don't care if they hurt others as they erupt, because they are so blind with pain that they can't see where the lava goes when the volcano finally erupts. The lava can cause a lot of damage, but usually they only notice the damage they suffer. Or they beat themselves up internally for the pain they know they cause, but won't admit it or apologize to the people they have hurt. Sometimes they do apologize afterward, and there are dramatic make-up gestures and promises. Still the cycle continues. Whether you are the volcano or the lava victim, how you go forward in the relationship reveals much about who you are. To stop the cycle, you have to become quite self-aware, difficult in the midst of constant volcanic activity. If you don't stop it, you sometimes also become a volcano, or a fire starter, or a big pile of ash. Sometimes if you are in a relationship with a volcano you have to move away from them, because the constant threat of volcanic activity makes creating a real life difficult.

Other people seem totally dispassionate about life and each other. They don't seem to care what the other thinks or feels, and many questions they are asked are answered with "whatever". They roll their eyes or speak passive-aggressive comments, but don't express what is really on their mind. They seem to have given up in one sense, but yet exist in limbo. They do nothing to improve things. Life could be worse, but it could be so much better. They exist in blah. It's interesting to watch for someone like me, who doesn't feel dispassionate about much (except perhaps manufactured drama.) Do they really not care? And what makes a person stay in a relationship (be it a love relationship or a friendship) with someone like this? Some would say low self-esteem. Maybe sometimes. But I think perhaps often they are kindred spirits, albeit maybe one a passive-aggressive one. Could it also sometimes be relational laziness?

Then there are the givers.....they give, and give, and give.....which would seem like it would be a great and awesome thing, until you're on the receiving end and just too exhausted trying to reciprocate. Sometimes the giving is based in a purity that is hard for "sinners" to match, and at other times they are playing to the crowd and waiting for the applause to begin. Sometimes there are underlying tones of dissatisfaction coming off the giver that others aren't living (or giving) up to their standards. You can't seem to win with them, but yet it's also difficult to confront. (You're mad because they're doing something good?) Often apathy sets in for the "less giving", and the "non-marathon giver" just decides to be a taker without worrying about reciprocation....or they start to spend their time with someone with whom the pressure is not as intense. The giver's position? "I give, and give, and give and no one ever appreciates it." Did you ever wonder why? Really?

Relationships are funny things. If we all were bathed in perfection, maybe they would be easy. It's difficult to realize that while it is easier to visually see where the other person is wrong, we can only effectively change when we allow ourselves to focus only on that person in the mirror. Not to say we can't be a change agent in the lives of others...we can and we should. But we don't usually do that by focusing on them. When we change ourselves, and live reflectively and positively, people notice. When we don't allow ourselves to feed bad behavior, sometimes it dies. You can't always ignore the bad, but helping someone see and develop their strengths as they minimize their weaknesses is the true picture of a good relationship.

This couple I mentioned earlier. The thing that I loved most about them was that underneath it all they encouraged the good in each other. They appreciated the strengths, recognized the weaknesses, but were each other's equilibrium. His gift of gab left unrestrained could have made him a bore, but she kept it in check so that his charm glowed. They were honest with each other and felt the freedom to argue with no consequences except good ones. They obviously had great affection and appreciation for each other. They worked as a team, even if a bit of a disjointed one. They talked and argued, agreed and disagreed, but underneath it all there was always a smile and passion for each other that overrode everything else. That smile underneath the facade made all the difference. He had her back, and she had his. It made their relationship steadfast, and comfortable, and gave them confidence. They were better together than apart.

We need to inflame the affection and burn the rubbish. We all come into relationships with a certain amount of baggage, carting around a caseload of issues. Love doesn't require perfection, but it is difficult for it to thrive without kindness. Smiling on them, showing you have recognized the special....people need that. It's what "your people" deserve. It's what you should require. Smiling on people takes root and grows and allows people to live in freedom, and perhaps gives them confidence to leave behind the baggage that has been weighing them down. There are enough people in life who give the message "You're not.....enough." What if our message is "You are....plenty" and we use words that affirm their value. With a smile that can be heard in our voice, and generates from the depths of our hearts. Don't be a doormat in your relationships, but also watch where you are stepping. There may be a body there.

Here's to the Daddies!

Fatherhood is a miracle really, yet fathering a child requires very little of a man. When I look at the spectrum of fathers in the world today, I would have to borrow a few lines from Dickens and say "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us." (From "A Tale of Two Cities") Surely all children live the truth of those words to different proportions.

In spiritual terms I love the title of "Abba Father"....or as we would call it "Daddy". Think about how people view God. Some see God as the austere disciplinarian, ready to smite us for the smallest of sins, always in a judgmental upheaval and ready to make us pay hard time for our misdeeds. Some see God as the "big guy" who really doesn't care much about the details of their lives, who indulgently (and rather thoughtlessly) forgives anything we do, who doesn't need a lot of our attention but who we call on when desperation hits. Other see him as Daddy, who knows us and walks with us every day, who desires to spend time with us, who knows and cares about our character, and tirelessly tries to shape every area of our lives into the best it can be.

I think Abba Father is the closest and most developed relationship to God. God's child who is cherished, God's child who is known, the child who is loved with a mature, solid and unselfish love. The child who is cared for so much that close attention is paid to them, but it is not the attention of rose colored glasses. The child in whom an investment is made, for their whole lives. The child worth giving up all for, but yet who is required to honor their heritage.

Most people know I have strong feelings of parenthood. Sometimes I want to knock a few heads together and say "Don't you realize the privilege you have been granted? Don't you realize the great responsibility you have taken on?" So many don't seem to get it. They don't realize they are the people that are most responsible for this child's physical, emotional, spiritual, social, and educational needs. They blame teachers, they blame churches, they blame the Republicans, Democrats, Obama, Bush, they blame society as a whole. But really, while a village raises a child you fathers and mothers are the first line of responsibility,

There doesn't seem to be a lot of forethought for what the needs of the child are as they develop. There doesn't seem to be a thought on how their actions impact the brains of their child. There doesn't seem to be purposeful sacrifice. Realization that you have to teach your child to treat you with respect and honor, so they will respect and honor themselves and others.  Realization that a child has to grow up with a healthy view of self....that they aren't perfect, but yet still they are amazing and a wonder to behold. There doesn't seem to be a realization that sometimes you must shelter your child, but you also have to teach them by letting them live in the real world. They can't live their life in a Disney movie, or God would have created us in bubbles in which to insulate ourselves.

Bad fathers have done a lot of damage to our world.....good daddies have repaired a lot of that damage. Fatherhood is hard work if done well. You have to admit a bit of inadequacy. But inadequate as you may be, you can't just watch the lives if your children unfold like you are watching a movie as a mere audience member. You are not your child's babysitter. No one owes you money or kudos for doing the job the title requires. You have to do the work. Hopefully the child will grow to show you love and honor, but maybe not. Be their daddy anyway. It's not one of those jobs you do for the rewards... It's the job you do because it is your responsibility. And even in the hardest of times, it is a privilege and an honor you have been granted. 

Thanks to all the fathers, who have created all of the fearfully and wonderfully made beings on our planet. Whether intentional or by accident, you have changed our world. But special thanks to all of you daddies out there, who spend time with your child and don't tune them out. Who teach them, challenge them, delight them, and discipline them. Who strive to know them better than anyone else on the planet. Whatever the age of your child, they need the special love only you can give. They need your guidance, they need your care. You were created to be their daddy.....please strive to do it well. And if you feel inadequate, a little Abba Father time may teach you just what you need to know.

Daddy....I do believe it is one of the world's most beautiful words. Especially when it goes beyond a noun and becomes a verb.

The Kimmons and Me

I met John and Nancy Kimmons when I was around nine years old and my family began to go to their church (Covenant ARP on Greenbriar Rd.) They were very different types of people and I had very different relationships with each of them.

I consider John Kimmons Sr. to be my first adult friend. When I was in high school and whoever was appointed to be our Sunday School teacher never showed up one semester, we spent about six weeks or so on our own....our high school Sunday School class was very small, usually only three or four of us at the most, and we would just hole up in our room (which was in the corner of the church basement) and hang out. One day John popped his head in the window and saw us there without adults, came inside, and became our self-appointed teacher. Well, teacher of sorts. No curriculum. He just talked to us. Like people. He shared his shortcomings, his humor, his faith. Like I said, he was a friend. He was quite open and honest about everything. More than most adults would be with teenagers. An alcoholic, he told stories of where he had been. What it had done to his family. The regret he had that his children had grown up with that man who drank. He talked of his days as a salesman. He introduced me to contemporary Christian music, and would loan me his albums. He had long conversations with me about dating and marriage (I don't think my perpetual singleness has anything to do with the promise he made me make about making sure I was cherished....and not just loved....when I decided to marry.) He made me laugh often, made me think, and I always felt he had the very manner of Christ. I saw Jesus as a better friend as a result of that relationship.

But oh, Nancy.....Mrs. Kimmons.....our early relationship was a bit different. She had the demeanor of the teacher she was. I kinda always felt like I was getting in trouble when I was around her. OK, often I was usually in trouble. There were a few lectures. When John was laid back and funny and I would have easily done anything he requested of me, Nancy made me want to rebel. Of course, I didn't. She was tough and I was a bit scared of her!

While John taught me to think about the goodness and forgiveness of Christ, and taught me how to be comfortable with my faith, Nancy challenged me in a different way. For example, I hated....really hated....having to be in the kid's plays at church. They made me physically ill. I had a tendency to start giggling uncontrollably in my nervousness, or talk with a voice shaking with fear. Not what you want people to see at the point in life where you are approaching adolescence.

It was time for play practice to begin one Christmas and Nancy was in charge. When I told my Mom how much I dreaded it, she said I didn't have to be in it if I didn't want to (Mom hates that sort of thing, too.) I went to Nancy and said "Mrs. Kimmons, my mom said I don't have to be in the play this year." Nancy knew my issues, I know, and I believe most adults would have just agreed and said it was OK. I thought she was going to give me a hard time and was surprised when she said "If that is what you want to do, Kim, that's fine." It was one of those times you turn around and want to do a fist pump. Score! But as I walked away she said "But you say you are a Christian, and you know that God says where you are weak, there He is strong." Pow!

With great strength I just continued to walk away, but I guarantee there was horror in my eyes. "Why is she doing this to me?" "Isn't that emotional blackmail?" "I hate her." Yeah, I think that was the general train of my thoughts. But I kept thinking. And I started praying. And I cried out to the Lord to make me not have to do it. In the end, however, I couldn't deny that she was right. Yes, I was in the play and yes, it was hard, and yes I had to pray a lot, but it was OK.  It was a day of reckoning. If I trust God, sometimes I have to do things I hate, that I am not good at, that don't come naturally. Sometimes my minutes should be sacrifices, times where I deny me and my comfort, and let God work through the great weakness. (So OK, my whole life should be like that....but yes, I am a sinner. God gets that.) It is a lesson I carry with me to this day and am still trying to perfect. I'm not there yet, but I haven't stopped trying.

John died when I was in college, and while it was one of my greatest losses, I also was prepared for it. He prepared me. In one of our talks he said "This heart isn't going to last forever and one day you will hear it has given out. When it does, know that my body will go over to Winston so that medical students can learn from it, and my soul will be more content than ever."  His was a presence just made for heaven, so I was always able to find comfort in that. My life suffered loss when he died, but because I knew how much better he felt having shed that body and damaged heart, I had to rejoice.

During subsequent years, I saw Nancy going about life, seemingly so strong and capable through everything. Yet now I know from talks with her how difficult it was. I know she missed John every day. But she also knew God wasn't done with her yet, so she spent her time well. She invested in ministries and people. Her first few years moving to Greensboro were difficult, but she knew it was best. She had already learned "When we are weak, then He is strong"....so she put it into practice. I always just thought she was strong naturally. It was pretty amazing to learn how much she had to lean on God, too.

These past few years,, as she was in her 90s, I have seen a difference in Nancy, a vulnerability. She was shakier on her feet, shakier in her confidence. I think she was at the point where she felt she was a resident of heaven, and an alien to earth. As several mentioned at her memorial service, Nancy probably got to heaven and said "What took you so long?" She was ready to go....several years ago. In her own way, like her husband John, Nancy prepared me for her death. She was never as blunt as John about it, but she made no secret of the fact that she longed for heaven.

Like with John, I rejoice that she has shed that body and that her soul soars. Like with John, I will miss her so very much. Like with John, she will never die as long as I am on this earth. My eyes will remain open to the things that they both loved, and I will pray as they would have prayed. The lessons both taught me are part of the fabric of who I am. God has breathed through them into me. They both lived their lives as modern day disciples, and spent their lives investing in others. What a great legacy. What a gift for people like me.

Nancy's memorial service this week was perfection. The service was so beautifully a gift from her family to her and to their dad John, and Nancy had planned it with her son John (my former pastor and teacher.) Yes Nancy was a planner...and in this case she couldn't have done it any better and her kids and grandkids couldn't have executed it more perfectly. There was laughter, there were tears. There was music. The room was full, and when John Jr. asked how many people in that room had been discipled by his mom, hands went up all over. Mine included, of course. I was privileged...I got some of the prime time and the prime lessons. I got the wisdom of someone who not only knew life well, who not only knew God well, but knew me well. The delivery changed as the years went on.....from bluntness and correction, to pure encouragement. She wasn't my first adult friend, at least as I realized it at the time, but she was my friend indeed.

Nancy's last words to me were that she loved me, and those were my last to her. The great thing about love like ours is that it goes beyond this earth. The love doesn't stop by earthly death... it just flows from heaven. Purer, truer, and carried in me with the power of God's spirit. My hope is that I can pass on the lessons that were passed on to me, and multiply the love. They are great and treasured gifts and were made for sharing. Let me know if you need extra. I've got plenty to give and it would be a privilege to share them with you.

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The Nieces and Nephews Grow Up

With my nephew Brennan, prior to his wedding

I know people think it is easy to be a niece or nephew of mine, but let's face it....I quite often say what I think when I think it, and sometimes that can be quite annoying. I really try not to harp on such things, however, and I hope the adoration comes through stronger than any criticism. My hope is that they grow up understanding a bit about agape love, and in my bumbling and imperfect way I am one of their teachers. For those of you that aren't familiar with agape, that's the kind of love God shows. My personal translation for it is "I love you even though I know you." I'm not pretending that I know all of the facets of each of these interesting creatures who are my nieces and nephews, or that I always like all of the aspects that I do know, but still....I love them purely and devotedly.

My niece Maggie and nephews Brennan and John

As their aunt I have prayed their whole lives that they would grow up to be happy, kind, productive people who make good choices for themselves and build a good life. I cringe when they make poor decisions and I pray harder. Then I sit back and trust that God will continue to pursue them and they will listen to His voice. I will watch and see them changed. In the meantime, I love them completely as they are now.

My nieces Addison and Taylor

It's really not difficult. Each, for the balance, has always treated me with much love and respect. While at times I am certainly an indulgent aunt, I have demanded that respect over the years. The great thing about being an aunt is that I don't have to hang out with bratty children. OK, at times when I would babysit, it would not be an option to return them because of my commitment to their parents, but in Aunt Kim's world, fun and respect go hand in hand. It was my job to get that point across to them early....and they have all learned that lesson well.

When they hit a milestone in life, it excites me. I love seeing their lives progress. We saw a great milestone this weekend.....my nephew Brennan got married.

My sister Deryn, MOG

Brennan is the son of my beloved sister Deryn and my amazing brother-in-law Darrell. I've loved watching them raise their children. It was with a lot of love, firm discipline, and a ton of involvement from both of them. They partnered on the raising. Both were very hands on. My sister inherited our mother's eyes in the back of her head, but I think she took it to new levels. Spenser (their daughter) and Brennan couldn't do much that she didn't know about. Sometimes she told  them what she knew, sometimes she and Darrell would keep it to themselves and just watch for a while. Stealth parenting. It worked. Spenser and Brennan are productive citizens, capable of supporting themselves. They are kind and giving. I remember Deryn making me promise not to pay them for doing chores for me as they were growing up. "They need to learn that money is not tied to every job," she said "and you need to help your family." I don't think it is an accident that they are both hard workers, who are willing to help others.

BIL Darrell and his babies

Yesterday my nephew Brennan married Laura Sharpe. There was a display of pictures of the at the reception, showing them each growing up. They had many common experiences. They both come from similar types of families. Libby, Laura's mom, has raised Laura with many of the same values with which Brennan was raised. As Laura fit in with our family, Libby and her family did, too. It was a good melding.

Laura and two of her best role models

I love that Brennan picked a woman that is not only beautiful and sweet, but also spunky, smart, and self-confident. I think they will encourage each other to good things and they will change the world together better than they could on their own.

Laura and her grandmother in "their" wedding dress (center).
 

The wedding was beautiful and a true mix of tradition and a few modern twists. For example, Laura wore her grandmother's wedding dress, that she loved from the time she was a little girl. Her grandmother (an amazing seamstress), altered it for her, adding a few twists (like a flash of Laura's signature pink) that made it her own. Laura added her own hot pink stilettos. Her engagement ring was made from a diamond Laura's late daddy gave her mom, along with the pink sapphires from a pair of earrings Brennan had given Laura. Her something blue was a blue opal necklace, which had belonged to her paternal grandmother and was worn by Laura's mom Libby on her wedding day. Her something borrowed was a bracelet from my mom, Brennan's Nana. The sixpence in her shoe also was a nod to my mom's Welsh heritage.

My nephew Cross, the MOG's escort

Brennan carried a handkerchief carried by his dad on his wedding day, wore a tie pin from my dad (Grandpa McKinney) and carried Laura's dad's pocket watch.

The surviving grandparents (both are the maternal ones) represent over one hundred years of marriage. In a twist on the old ceremony, instead of giving away the bride, the pastor asked the grandparents' blessing on the marriage. This was the "we do" part of the wedding, and my 9-year old nephew Cross (who escorted in the mother-of-the-groom), joined the grandparents with a re-sounding "we do." I think perhaps he represented the other grandparents that were no longer with us, especially Brennan's much loved grandmother Novella Cass. It just didn't seem right that she was not around to share the day, but I suspect all of the loved ones were watching from the heavenly realms and joining in the blessings. (I had threatened to stand up at that point of the ceremony and lead another congregational blessing, tossing pink glitter everywhere. I didn't though....no time to get the glitter.)

As the bride comes down the aisle

And so vows were said, and the rain completely held off so that the reception could go on outside at Libby's house, and the atmosphere was relaxed and fun. Joy was in abundance. Somehow in Brennan's life I did not impart one lesson well.....I was a bit shocked and horrified (yeah, that is what you call "a gross exaggeration"!) they chose to delay a honeymoon and they will both be at work Monday morning at Lake Norman Pool & Spa. Because it is pool season, and they have responsibilities. They said "Later on, maybe we will go to the beach." Yep....one if those things Aunt Kim does not understand. But I love them even though they don't do it the way I would do it! And perhaps there is something to be said when a young couple starts marriage more excited about being together in the real day-to-day world, rather than prolonging the fantasy.

With my new niece

Since I didn't get to do my pink glitter blessing in the church, I will instead do it here. "Brennan and Laura, I pray that you will not only love each other, but that you will cherish each other. I pray that you will continue to hold dear family and tradition, but yet add your own twists along the way. I pray that you will be a joy to each other and to the world. I pray that you will be willing to do the hard things when they are the right things, that you will be willing to work hard for what you have, and that who you are when no one is looking is the same person as you are when visible to all. And through it all, may you see the hand of God extended, and not be afraid to grab it and hang on."

Niece Sara and husband Brian

Niece Rachel and husband Kevin

I wish the same for you, my other nieces and nephews.... and my godchildren, family, and friends (and any strangers who may read this.) May your relationships all be the kind that make you better than you would be by yourself. You are precious gifts, fearfully and wonderfully made. Don't ever forget what love really is.....and settle for less. Remember if these qualities are not in abundance and growing, it is not really love, but merely a cheap imitation. Learn to discern the difference. Work for agape love. Know it doesn't usually come naturally. It really requires going against our selfish natures. If you're noticing what your partner or spouse or friend or family member is doing wrong, more than you are noticing your own behavior in that relationship, you're probably not doing it well. But if you are willing to do the work, in the end, it is worth it. The result is a world of pink glitter floating down to cover you. Metaphorically speaking.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13: 4-7

But it took a lot of work!

When June Cleaver Is Not In The Building

I remember reading an article that said "No mother is June Cleaver". I think it was about the time "Roseanne" was on, and the point of the article was that more moms were like Roseanne. Other than the 50s formality and wardrobe, my mom was a bit closer to June. She was in charge, she was to be respected (not that she always was at first, but she always won in the end) and Mom usually knew best and modeled doing the right thing. I remember wondering whether it was I that was delusional or the writer of this article.  My thought was that while there were many kinds of mothers, there were more Junes in the mom world than Roseannes. At least that was what I had seen in my experience. Evidently the writer of the article's experience was different.

I think it was my first year following college when it actually dawned on me that the term "mother" had even more variety than I ever knew. All kids did not have moms who made them a priority, or cared about their character, or even thought about them much at all. Knowing what I know now, I am sure that I had encountered many of these people prior to that, but I had been oblivious. But working as a houseparent at a children's home at age 21, my eyes were really opened. Continued oblivion was not possible.

The life stories of some of these kids were evidence of a mother who did not meet the stereotype. There was the mom who sent her 12-year old son back from his weekend home visit with a supply of pot (we learned to search his things immediately after every visit.) There was the mother who was involved with someone in the mafia and left her son in the children's home so she could travel out of the country undercover with her boyfriend, who was constantly in danger (the kid, then 15, had seen his babysitter gunned down right in front of him when he was younger.) There were kids with parents who were so caught up in the drug lifestyle they barely noticed when their kids were taken away. There was the 15-year old boy who was in the home voluntarily, tired of his parent's fights. There were mothers who did not believe their daughters when they told them they were sexually abused, and so gave up the child and kept the abuser. There was the couple whose three children were taken away because they were seldom supervised (even though both parents and the bi-sexual mom's girlfriend lived in the home.) Their 8-year old son smoked, and the parents gave a "what can you do?" laugh when they were asked about it. 

I learned not to make assumptions about mothers. Not only about those with obvious parental infractions, but I learned even "nice people" could be pretty crummy mothers. I learned that often there was more below the surface that may not meet the eye.

When I look at my current circle of friends, it is staggering how many had moms who were not really capable of being there for them. One's mom left him when he was six months old. Several had mothers who were mentally ill. Some were left on their own growing up for long periods of time, essentially raising themselves. Some were abused, physically, sexually, mentally and verbally. Some had moms that were "religious", with reams of rules and little love and forgiveness. Some were pawned off on their grandparents or with other family members to raise because mom had to find herself.

At this time of Mother's Day, if you care about the hearts of people, stay alert. Be sensitive to the hearts and experiences of others. I have had a couple of people tell me it is their most hated day of the year. The first time I heard that I was shocked, but now after hearing it quite a few times, I am not anymore. Many skip church that day, just because it makes it even harder. I have learned sometimes Mother's Day reminds them they were short-changed in the mother department, sometimes it reminds them their mom is no longer with them, sometimes it is because their mom is sick with a disease like Alzheimer's and doesn't remember them, other times it is because their mother is mentally ill and still cruel to them. Sometimes it is because they desperately want to be a mother and are not, sometimes because they have outlived a child, other times because their children have problems that tear out their hearts, or because they have children who are out of communication with them. Some have had miscarriages, abortions, lost their children in custody cases, or put their children up for adoption. There is a lot going on inside the people around you, so don't assume it is a happy time for all. Know it can be a time of deep emotion.

I get a bit taken aback when someone wishes me a Happy Mother's Day. Evidently it is the new "Merry Christmas"....I have been wished it three times in the past 24 hours. I always just say "Thank you", but part of me feels the need to explain to them I am not a mother. Setting the record straight. It is uncomfortable. It makes me feel a bit like a mother imposter. It usually leads to a five minute dialogue....OK, monologue because it is just in my mind. What I "should" say, but don't say. "Thank you" is much easier. Sort of.

All mothers are not Roseanne or June. All women of a certain age are not mothers. All mothers are not nurturing, loving, kind or good role models. Sometimes women are mothers without children to hug. If you were gifted with a good mother, know you are fortunate. Don't take them for granted. Celebrate them. If you were blessed to be a mother, please love your children well. It's a job few are sufficiently prepared for, but one that usually grades on the curve. You know, even when I was working at the children's home where so many were shortchanged in the mom department, they craved love from their mother. The need for a mom's love is instinctive. Even the love of a bad mom.

Good mothers are to be celebrated, and so I am OK with the Hallmark day, although a part of me finds it to be unnecessary. Good mothers should be appreciated more than once a year and it shouldn't necessarily be on demand. You know how I hate celebrations "on demand".

I will even celebrate the bad mothers too, on this Hallmark day, because amazing human beings were created as a result of them enduring their pregnancy. (But still, I don't have to like or respect them.)

It doesn't take a good mother to raise an amazing human being, but it certainly helps. If you are raising a daughter, teach her how to be a good mother. She is watching you. Talk kindly to her, listen to her, parent her. You do that by rising above the reality. You do that by acting a bit like June Cleaver. You are the grownup, and your child should get a childhood. You are one of the architects of that childhood. Plan and execute a firm foundation. Make it beautiful and fill it with wonderful memories. 

If you have reason to hate Mother's Day, I hope this year you find comfort. I hope you find joy to eclipse your pain. I personally am glad you were born and hope you love and are loved. If you don't feel you are, call me. We can work on that.

When Dreams Come True

The Balloonist's Prayer

"May the winds welcome you with softness.
May the sun bless you with its warm hands.
May you fly so high and so well that God
joins you in laughter and sets you gently
back into the loving arms of Mother Earth."

I used to think the best part of ballooning was watching balloons taking off, or even better....feeling them take off with me inside. Yes, both of those things are still a big thrill and I think will always be for me. It occurred to me today that there could be something better, though.

I grew up seeing balloons float over our county, but never got to ride in one. When I moved back to Statesville, I got involved with the Chamber of Commerce. It was through the Chamber that I met my friend Debbie Hartman (now Debbie Swing), I think at a Business After Hours event. (Come to think of it, I think that was the time she told me she would teach me how to play golf. It still hasn't happened. But that's OK. We found better things to do!)

Debbie and I both volunteered to crew at the local balloon festival that year, and it was then we both got our first ride. I think we were probably balloonists before we ever set foot in a balloon....we caught the bug quickly. Personally I think I caught it while watching balloons float over North Iredell High School in the late 70s when we were playing broom hockey at 8 a.m. in the morning. (Yes broom hockey. The best sport ever. Don't knock it if you have never played. Or even if you have. I think it was the only PE activity I ever enjoyed in my first 12 years of school.)

Anyway, back to the ballooning bug. Debbie and I began to jump in any time would mention any activity to us that was balloon related. It was a great to have a friend as passionate about it as I was. I know the introvert in me would not have gone to as many events had she not been willing to go with me. So thus started our ballooning "career."


The teacher and the student

I have never wanted to be a pilot. They have to pay attention to a lot of things, and with my ADHD mind, the thought terrifies me. I do have that ADHD ability to hyper-focus, so I am sure if I put my mind to it I could do it, but the stress it would put me under would take away the fun for me, I think. So I am content to hang out with ballooning people. To promote the sport as much as I can. To do the administrative and behind-the-scene things I am best at. And to ride any time anyone lets me in the basket.

Debbie has never felt that way. From the start, she wanted to be a pilot. She always was more serious about it than me. She always listened a bit harder, tried to pick up information. Everything moves quickly with ballooning, and while that makes it very fun on one level, it is sometimes difficult to learn as you crew for different pilots. Each does things differently. Most also do things automatically. And when they are flying, they are often in flying mode....not teaching mode. Since some of us need to fully understand the whys to learn the process well, the way to cope for many of us (OK, me) is to put yourself on autopilot and just do as the pilot says. Nothing more, nothing less. Do that and usually no one gets hurt! (Or yelled at. Pilots can be vocal when they are concerned In other words, when you do something stupid.)

So time went by and life got in the way, and Debbie had almost given up her dream of flying. When our friends the Morlocks decided to sell their balloon last year, she was able to buy it. That was one dream coming true, but still.....she had to learn how to fly it.

Debbie and Tommy listen intently

Today Debbie got her first flying lesson. Our friend Marc Klinger stepped up and offered to teach her. It's a big commitment, for him and for her. Thankfully for us all, balloon pilots are not created overnight. It takes many, many hours of training.

I can't tell you how much fun it was to watch Debbie's first lesson. Seeing the combination of nervousness and excitement. Watching her intently listen to Marc. Seeing her husband Tommy listen just as intently as he prepares to partner with her as a very able crew chief. Watching them make mental checklists of all of the things they need to do, of all the things they need to put on their own checklist (which Marc will not give them....he will make them come up with it themselves as part of the training.)



And it is a lift off!

During the past couple of years I have also seen my friends Daniel, Damien and Mike train to be pilots. Now Debbie begins. What occurred to me today....while I love watching and riding, seeing the dreams of my friends come true is even better. I got to see Daniel fly his balloon, lovingly restored by him, for the first time. I got to see Debbie fly hers for the first time today. About six months after purchased. I'm sure I will be around a lot as she trains, taking a million pictures. I will be there when she solos for the first time. I also plan to be there as 13-year old Duncan Dunavent trains and takes his first solo flight. Really....it will make you weep. It's a tough road, and  to see them get through each obstacle and test is simply amazing. It is a privilege to watch.


Future pilot Duncan

What's even better is when you see people like Marc Klinger and Drew Egerton train others to become pilots. I think it takes nerves of steel at times, but they are patient and thoughtful and compassionate as they do it. It's time consuming, and at times frustrating, but our sport will not continue without such generosity. Other pilots will lend a hand along the way, I know. Before Debbie finishes, I can guarantee she will fly with several seasoned pilots. Each will teach her something different. That is how you learn best. They will pass it on not only because they are generous, but because they love this sport. And they not only want people flying, they want people flying safely.



A dream in flight

I have been able to experienced a lot already, but I have a lot of great ballooning moments ahead, I think. It's exciting to see it all evolve. I can't wait to ride with each and every one of these new pilots (and quite a few more advanced pilots I know I haven't ridden with yet!) Being a good pilot requires not just knowledge, but the ability to know when to apply it. It requires you to think on your feet, be alert to what is over and under, in front and in back, how to get out of tight spots, be a superstar of public relations (some folks get a bit cranky when you land on their property), be a weather and wind expert, and be very cool under intense pressure. You are floating in the sky in a wicker basket with only the direction of the wind to steer. And you're making dreams come true. Your own, those that watch you, and those that are fortunate to ride.

So anyway, to both balloonists and non-balloonists, I say this. Dream dreams. Big dreams. Tell your friends and family so they can share them with you and see them come true. Because really, it is such a great joy and a privilege to see dreams become reality. And as you talk about it, you may find a few fairy god-people out there that will help make it happen.

The greatest part about seeing dreams come true? It reminds you that we don't dream enough, and that's a downright shame. I've decided my dream list has become too short and needs to be extended. I will work on that. Join me!

"Take delight in the Lord,
 and he will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4