Don't End The Story Too Soon

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare

I was in my twenties. Poor. Not poor like many in their twenties today.... living independently on my paltry salary and poor enough that I would get my paycheck and would have about $15 for incidentals after bills were paid. That needed to last two weeks. Most of my friends were just as poor as me....we bonded over free and cheap food and entertainment. It was one of the best times of my life. We lived in crappy apartments or houses, with one or more roommates, and would pass possessions around as we each had need of them. We'd go through each other's Goodwill bags. The 80s version of communal living. Some of my very best friends came into my life during that time. It was an important time of life for me. I think many parents today do a disservice to their kids when they try to protect them and don't allow them to experience those years. There are a lot of lessons to be learned when you "have not"...and a lot of character to build along the way.

I had a friend who needed money. $300. A fortune to me. Because of many hours of working overtime, I had built up an amount in my bank account just over that (maybe $325!) I didn't hand it over quickly. It was precious and the first time I had a bit of a nest egg. But she said no one else would lend her the money. I had already determined I wanted to be generous in my life, so I did it. I lent her the money. I never asked what it was for. I believed her when she said the money would be paid back in two weeks.

You may know what's coming. Two weeks came and she didn't have the money. I don't think I said anything at all. I just waited. Time continued to go by. No word. Occasional promises to repay, but they were never met. No plan was ever formulated for getting it back to me. No dollar a week, until it was done. She continued to live quite well. Better than me, in fact. Her own apartment (while I had to have a roommate to make ends meet), beautiful clothes. Yet I still considered her a friend. And I still thought she would pay me back.

When I began to realize the payment didn't seem to be forthcoming, it really wasn't the money that bothered me. It was how I didn't seem to matter to her. I still was struggling. I had a car that was forever breaking down. It broke down once again and I needed the money to pay for repairs. I finally went to her and asked for it. The first time I had done it directly. She said she didn't have it. She had just put down a down payment for a house. She didn't seem to see a problem with that. It was what finally broke my heart and made me walk away. Had she continued to pursue the friendship, I am sure I would have relented. But she didn't....and finally I didn't. I realized she was out of my life. Or maybe I realized I was out of hers.

I admit I was bitter for a while. Not for a long while, but long enough to realize I didn't like feeling that way. I finally had a heart to heart with God. Yeah, I needed to change. While I didn't think that meant going back and trying to re-kindle the friendship, I had to give up the bitterness. And the mental hold on the money. I learned to replace the negative feelings with praying for her good when she came to mind. That helped. I also remembered that I really own nothing. I am lent it by God. Yes, I earned my way by working....but still, it can all be gone tomorrow. It won't mean anything on the other side of heaven...though I can enjoy it today as a good gift. So I had to accept the money as gone and move on with a joyful heart. Usually I was successful.

I learned a lot about being a good steward of my money going forward. To give generously, but judiciously. Not to lend money to people with money problems (if you can't handle what you have, more will usually not help.) Not to lend money when the person had no direct plan to pay it back, a strong worth ethic, or a history of financial responsibility. Not to lend money I couldn't afford to never see again. Not to lend money with the expectation that those who borrow it will pay it back. Not to lend money to people who I want in my life in the future.

But wait, there's more....fast forward to today. I seldom use my laptop, since my iPad is so easy to use, but I had it out and noticed some Facebook messages I had never seen before. Evidently there is a separate box apart from my Inbox. Evidently messages from people who are not your Facebook friends go there. Evidently you don't see this box on your iPad. There was a message from this former friend from last October. She said she lost touch and over time forgot my last name. She saw something about the balloon festival in Statesville and the reporter's last name was McKinney (not sure who that was...but interesting. Especially since I had nothing to do with ballooning when I knew her.) She said the name clicked. She found my Facebook account and sent this message. She wanted to pay back the $300. She asked for my address.

Yes, it was a shock. A good one. Will I get it back? I hope so. It's not the money that matters the most to me....it's the fact that she really didn't forget. That she has made some effort to do it. That it stayed in some part of her brain for over 20 years and on some level she cares about it all.

The old quote from Hamlet says "neither a borrower or a lender be" and I think there is some wisdom in that. I think instead we should be givers. Scripture tells us to give hilariously....and I think I have mentioned in a past blog that I love that concept. We should give until we're so overcome with laughter at our own outrageousness that we are gasping to breathe. But you know, even then I think we need to engage our mind. At least some of us do....those who are capable or led that way. Perhaps others should give just as they feel, but that has never seemed right for me. I think we need to plant in good soil. Pay attention to where the seed is going. We need to give certain people a hand up. But I think part of giving hilariously is not to be so concerned about what happens with it when it leaves our hand. To sometimes throw it in the air with abandon and see where it falls. There are lessons to be learned from watching the results, certainly. I have made bad decisions in the past and learned from them. But we can't get too hung up on making these mistakes....we learn and carry on. And regardless, we don't let bitterness in. It's only money....much less valuable than peace of mind.

But there is one more thing. The most important point here, I think. Don't end a story before its time. It may not be over yet. When we think we have it all figured out, God surprises us. I thought my friend didn't care to remember, but somewhere deep in her heart she did. It's difficult to track someone down after 20 years to pay an old debt. But she has. She showed me by her message that she remembered some if the good parts of our friendship...that she still had the memories. I'm glad. I don't ever expect my friends to be perfect, but when I see them doing the right thing? I can't help but be proud. Regardless of how long it takes. My heart is touched....and I am glad my version of the story wasn't entirely correct. This version makes me smile....and cry.

Paying Backward

"The man who never has money enough to pay his debts has too much of something else.” -James Lendall Basford

“Many delight more in giving of presents than in paying their debts.” -Sir Philip Sidney

"Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be." - David Bly

“He looks the whole world in the face for he owes not any man.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There was a guy that lived in the apartment complex that my parents own and that my sister manages. He moved out, owing quite a bit of rent money. Not an uncommon thing in today's world, unfortunately. My sister has seen this happen time and time again, and you become a bit cynical about people after a while. You never see them again, or the money they owe you. They don't look back. They don't see the impact they make on those who do not get the money they are due. They don't realize that businesses go under every day because of people like them. They don't see the other people they leave in their wake, struggling to pay their bills and feed their children. They don't see the senior citizens who have to cut back because funds are tight. They don't see the cynicism they breed in this world, because of what they do. Or maybe they do see it all, and figure misery loves company. Maybe they don't care. But most likely they just keep the blinders on because ignorance is bliss.

But this story is a bit different. This man is different. Years later he gave my sister a call. He wanted to make sure he knew exactly what he owed. He then came back, his sons in tow, and paid it all back. He made good on his commitment.

At the time he originally left, this guy's life was spinning out of control a bit. His girlfriend was pregnant, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that. He wasn't sure he was ready for responsibility of adulthood. He tried to leave it behind. But at some point he decided that was not the kind of man he wanted to be. He became a husband and a father. He decided that he was going to try to be the best he could at both. He wanted to raise sons who were responsible, so he knew he had to show them responsibility. Part of that was righting his wrongs. He made a plan to do that. He told my sister she was the last person he had to pay back. I believe she said it was ten years after he had moved out. He didn't pay the money back either in secret or in a big display of "how great I am" fanfare. He did it humbly, quietly, in person, facing his past head on. And he did it in front of his sons.

We've gotten things jumbled up in our world today. We're spinners. The story most people believe is thought to be truth. Perception is everything. We don't want to scratch below the surface and find out that the hunk of gold we possess is actually a rock covered by cheap gold paint. We just cart it around and shout "Hey, look what I've got!" As long as people believe it is gold, it is gold. They'll write stories about it in the paper, more evidence of its truth. We not only fool others, we often convince ourselves. We believe in the facade, instead of the truth that lies beneath.

Forgiveness has also become skewed. We think that because we are forgiven, there is no more responsibility. Example bankruptcy. Our courts say you can wipe out your debt, and go on. In theory it makes sense. People get overwhelmed. They get further and further into debt because they become hopeless. The goal of bankruptcy was to free them from the constant call of their debtors, take the burden and stress off of them, and allow them to begin again. Supposedly with a new attitude of financial responsibility.

But how many people really reformed after a bankruptcy and how many of their debtors suffered in the process? How have their debts impacted our world as a whole? What is the domino effect? How many other individuals suffered to make life easier for this one individual? How often was it appreciated? How often did the person erase the debt in their own mind, with no thought of ever paying it back? Since the court said they didn't have to pay it back, it no longer existed.

We're in a season right now where many people expect to create debt. They almost celebrate it. "Yes, we'll be paying for this for years, but we're worth it." "How could we not give our precious children as much as their friends? They deserve it!" "Everyone goes into debt! It's part of Christmas!"

Oh, how I love Christmas glitz! I love the lights, love the decorations, love Santa, love the faces of children as they experience the magic, love the family pictures and the Christmas letters (really, I do!) But Christmas isn't about the glitz. It's all about the gift, the baby. It's about new beginnings. It's about forgiveness. It's about second chances, or third, or hundreds. It's about us, just as we are, loved and worth sacrifice. It's about freedom. But freedom that leads us to truth, not to further carnage.

That dad would have been loved and respected by his kids whether he paid his debts or not. Kids grade on a curve. He could have hidden everything from them, said the money side of things had nothing to do with them. He could have forgotten that part of his life and moved on, vowing to not make the same mistakes. But he knew on some level his kids would sense the inconsistency. He didn't want to teach them that. He wanted a be a good dad. He wanted to be a good man. He wanted to be someone trustworthy in all things.

I'd like to issue a Christmas challenge. Be like this guy. Be different. Be responsible. Be humble. Be thoughtful. The greatest gift you can give your children, the greatest gift you can give anyone, is to be authentic. To live truth. To do what you say you're going to do. To pay what you owe. To live within your means. To treat others well. To make a plan and fulfill your responsibilities, however long it takes. That's what is going to make a true impact. Be the gift . Make a merry Christmas with what you've got today, not borrowing from the future. It is enough. You are enough. Really....it's not about the money. Unless it is other people's money that you are holding onto......or let slip from your hands. Shock a few people. Instead of paying forward, maybe you first need to pay backward. The story of Christmas? That baby was born in a manger to take you out of bondage. Tell the story in how you live.

Being Bound By the Bills

“Seven Deadly Sins -
Wealth without work
Pleasure without conscience
Science without humanity
Knowledge without character
Politics without principle
Commerce without morality
Worship without sacrifice.”  - Mahatma Gandhi 

"Wouldst thou shut up the avenues of ill, pay every debt as if God wrote the bill.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson 

“Debts and lies are generally mixed together.” - Francois Rabelais 

“There are but two ways of paying debt: Increase of industry in raising income, increase of thrift in laying out.” - -Thomas Carlyle 

When I was in college, I bounced a check.  Once.  That was the only time.  The bank fees that were incurred because I was irresponsible....they embarrassed me.....and I learned my lesson.  There was no reason for it....it was carelessness on my part.  My parents were paying for most of my college education and the rule was when my bank account balance went down beyond a certain level I was supposed to tell them so they could replenish it.  I was very cautious with my money, because even though they never ever complained about it, I knew they were making sacrifices for my future.  But I just wasn't paying attention.  And those bank fees....they were money they should not have had to pay.  I knew I was the one in the wrong.

My parents were always cautious about debt, and taught us to be the same.  If we couldn't afford it, we didn't get it.  If there was something we needed that we did not have the money for, other things needed to be sacrificed.   There was not an unlimited supply of money, and good decisions had to be made as to what was necessary and what was luxury.  I think the definitions of "necessity" and "luxury" have changed over the years.

I only had a small student loan in college, but it took years to pay off.  Years when I wasn't making much money, so it was often a big frustration to figure out how to pay my bills.  I dealt with a car that broke down constantly, and a paycheck that just didn't stretch very far, and often money was a stress.  I had to go to my parents for money on more than one occasion.  Sometimes they gave me money, sometimes it was a loan.  When it was a loan, it was expected I pay it back.  And I did.  I was an adult....it was time to make my own way in life. Thankfully a lot of my friends were in the same state....we found cheap entertainment, shared our stuff, and all worked to spend as little money as possible.  We learned to live within our means.  Today most of us are in pretty good financial shape, because we sacrificed then to plan for a better future.

As soon as I was able, I got out of debt completely.  The credit cards, the student loans....they were all paid off.  What freedom that was!  I made a vow that the only debt I would incur would be for a house or a car or medical bills.  So far I have stuck to that. To buy or not to buy?  If there is not enough money in the bank account after my current obligations, it is not even a consideration.  Vacations?  Though there is nothing I love more, if I can't pay for it before booking, I can't go.  The coolest car, the coolest clothes, the coolest anything....if I cannot afford it, it will not be mine.  If money gets tight, I cut back.  What is a necessity in my life and what is a luxury?  I carefully consider.  We screw that question up very, very often.  Food, shelter, clothing....those are really all of our needs. But even amongst those things, there is a limit as to when it is a necessity and when it is a luxury.

I am shocked that many people don't understand that when they carry a balance on their credit card, they are renting money.  They look at their minimum payment each month....not at what they are really paying for the item.  So...the average US credit card debt is $7,117 (they include everyone in that figure....even people like me with a zero balance.)  Of those who carry a balance, the average is $15,257.  (Source - http://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/credit-card-data/average-credit-card-debt-household)  So, using the average of $7,117 with a 17% interest rate and a minimum payment of interest +1% of balance, it will take that person 306 months to get rid of that debt.  That is 25 1/2 years...and that is if they don't add to the balance (and how many have that restraint?) By the end of those years, they would have paid $9,523 in interest alone.....more than their original debt.  A total of $16,640.  Was that new living room furniture and big screen tv worth it?  (Note:  I used the bankrate.com debt calculator for this projection.) 

When you borrow (or rent) money, people own a piece of your future.  When you don't pay it back, you have stolen from them.  Yep....even if because of bankruptcy and the courts say you don't have to pay it back, even if the one who lent it doesn't bring up the subject or says it is OK, or even if they are someone who loves you is the one who loaned it to you...you need to pay it back! You have still taken something that wasn't yours.  If you are of good character, shouldn't it matter to you that you are not living up to your obligations?  That you are not the one taking responsibility for your decisions? 

As of March 3 our National Debt is $16,698,235,596.55.  That equates to $53,091.61 per citizen.  (http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock)  As you can imagine, this sickens me.  Our country is a world leader....but how long will that last if we continue to spend like this?  We are so very cocky.  Our creditors are other countries... like I said a few minutes ago, they own a piece of our future.  Our ability to act as a truly free country is somewhat hampered....because we owe them!

I am a believer in caring for our people, but it should be based on whether we have the money to pay for it.  There are so many things that our government pays for that are not necessities, but are instead luxuries.  So much they give away free, when they could require some sort of service for it.  So much they pay for which they could get better prices or they could get someone to volunteer to do it for free. Until our debt is paid off, our government needs to budget.  They need to only pay for those things they can afford, and only at the standard that the budget permits.  We need a budget that is based on what they will receive in taxes, but there also needs to be extra economizing so that we can pay off this debt.  The attitudes of our government officials these days (both Democrats and Republicans) are too often both pompous and thoughtless and weak.... they need to be responsible and creative and strong. 

I love the quote by Thomas Carlyle shown above.  We can only get out of debt two ways.  By working harder (or inheritance or spending the money of others...but let's not go there), or being more thrifty in how we live our lives.  For individuals I think that means being willing to work second jobs (which is definitely difficult in this economy, but from all of the industrious people I know that have two or even three jobs....very possible.)  Sometimes it means finding a job that pays more, that may not be as convenient to your life, or taking a job that you feel is "beneath" you.  I have heard people refuse jobs because "I am better than that!"  No...if that is the only job you can get at the moment, you really aren't!

The other means of getting out of debt is that you have to economize...yes, you princes and princesses...or you, USA!  You shouldn't take advantage of those who have worked hard for what they have and expect them to pay the way for you.  If you are a grownup, your spending or standard of life should not be more than the amount of money you have earned.  Is cable tv a necessity or a luxury?  Is internet service a necessity or a luxury?  Is going out to eat a necessity or a luxury?  Are new clothes a necessity or a luxury?  We have so much luxury in our lives, that sometimes we fail to identify it as such and redefine it as a "need."  So very few things actually are.  The choices you make....you should bear the consequences for them.

We need to apply the same standards for our country.  They either need to increase taxes, or economize.  I don't know about you, but I see much waste in our government and have heard about much more.  Much can be cut out of the budget.  Many dollars that are wasted with no accountability.  No one seems to notice.  People turn a blind eye or say "That's the way it is."  But if I notice and I hear things....I don't buy that those in the thick of it can't do something about it.  There is a lack of concern for spending taxpayer money, and often those who work for the government forget they are a servant of the people.  They forget those extras or things that are not a need take money out of the pocket of their fellow citizens.  Many are not good stewards of our tax dollars.  There is more of a spending game going on (where they see how much they can get) than a team of people who are working together to protect the money of our people.  We are a world leader....are we acting like it in our spending?

We've become such a people of entitlement.  We think the world owes us everything, and we shouldn't have to work or economize.  We can't pay our bills, but we still keep spending.  Both our country and its citizens. We can make some wonderful excuses for why we do this....but you can't kid a kidder.  There are very few valid reasons for debt.

Last week I paid off my car loan.  It felt good.  It felt like I gained a bit more freedom.  And I did!  Debt binds us.  But I know that even when it seems impossible, debt can be paid off,.  As impossible as that massive national debt figure, it can be done.  It takes work, it takes cooperation, it takes honesty, it takes creativity, it takes hard work and it takes a plan.  But it can be done....I have seen people have massive debt (far more than years of their original income) and get out of it.  They worked hard at it and made it a priority in their lives.  They attacked the problem from all angles and accepted the consequences for their past actions.  They were responsible grownups.  You just can't ignore it.  Because unattended, it grows.  It does not go away.  

Money can free us....or it can burden us and make us slaves for life.  It really is our choice.  Are we spending like a millionaire, with a minimum wage paycheck?  Are we renting money for things that aren't really important?  Are we the arrogant prince, princess, government that thinks "I am special....I deserve it."?  Maybe it is time for a change.  I promise....you don't have to spend a lot to live an amazing life.  Those years I struggled, the debt did cause me stressful moments, but overall they were excellent and happy years.  I didn't have much, but I also worked to solve the problem instead of continuing to add to it.   In the long run if those who make our government's budget decisions "lived" within our means, our citizens would be happier, healthier, wealthier and wiser. And maybe once again we could be a free nation.  One whose people are engaged in our government and don't resent how yesterday and today's decisions are going to impact us all in the future.  One who is free from obligations to others because we finally decided not to spend more than we make.
  
 

 

Hunted by Proud Hunters - Or How Debt Can Kill You

 Day 6 in Proverbs
Proverbs 6: 1-9 "My child, suppose you agree to pay the debt of someone, who cannot repay a loan.  Then you are trapped by your own words, and you are now in the power of someone else.  Here is what you should do:  Go and beg for permission to call off the agreement.  Do this before you fall asleep or even get sleepy.  Save yourself, just as a deer or a bird tries to escape from a hunter.  You lazy people can learn by watching an anthill.  Ants don't have leaders, but they store up food during harvest season.  How long will you lie there doing nothing at all? When are you going to get up and stop sleeping.  Sleep a little.  Doze a little.  Fold your hands and twiddle your thumbs.  Suddenly everything is gone, as though it had been taken by an armed robber."

Proverbs 6:  16-19 "There are six or seven kinds of people the Lord doesn't like:  Those who are too proud or tell lies or murder, those who make evil plans or are quick to do wrong, those who tell lies in court or stir up trouble in a family."

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Quite a few years ago now, a co-worker of mine, that I considered to be a friend, asked to borrow money.  She seemed desperate.  I had very little extra money at the time, and the amount she was asking for was about the sum total of that extra money.  But I could tell she was frantic, so I let her borrow the money.  For me, it was a lot of money.  I never asked what she needed it for.....and she never told me.  She was supposed to pay me back immediately.  She didn't.  She made a lot of promises (with great sincerity and charm) over a period of several years and never delivered on them.

Several years later my car broke down and I desperately needed that money.  I went to my "friend"...who had never paid back even $1 of what she owed me.  She said she didn't have it to give me, nor did she have a way to get it to repay me.   I had to borrow the money from my parents (note: I did pay them back as soon as possible!)  When I heard from the grapevine she bought a house (meaning somewhere she came up with the money for a down payment), I finally conceded that she had taken advantage of me and never, ever intended to pay me back.  Even more difficult.....I finally conceded she was never really my friend.  I  probably should have realized that early in the process when she continued to shop, not cut expenses, and never seriously tried to find a way to repay the loan. (So, it takes me a while!) 

The passage starting chapter 6 uses the situation of putting up a bond for someone.....agreeing to pay their debt if they default.  Agreeing impulsively, without knowing all the facts (or maybe agreeing in spite of knowing the facts.)  Solomon advised his son if he found himself in this situation, to get out of it as soon as he possibly could..... to make it a priority.   He described the debtor as a hunter and he who put up the bond as a hunted animal.  (And we thought they were just being nice!)  A perspective worth noting!

I'm not entirely sure who is the sluggard of which Solomon speaks.  My guess is that it could be either his son or that person in debt.  If it is the son, I would think he would be saying that mental laziness gets us into these sort of predicaments, and instead of dealing with them we let them go (as I did with my friend.)  To do this too often can lead to our personal ruin.  In my situation, had I not been able to borrow money from my parents to fix my car, my whole life would have been in turmoil for a while.  As it was, it put me in a situation where I myself became indebted for a period of time.  She pulled me into the abyss with her.  I had no one but myself to blame.

And then there is that person who is in debt.  What are they doing to get themselves out of it?  Are they working any and every job they can to repay the money?  Are they selling things that are precious to them in an attempt to pay their bills?  Living on ramen noodles?  Going without cable tv (or any tv at all), a cell phone, a computer, meals in restaurants?  Or are they "sleeping a little, dozing a little, and twiddling their thumbs"....very comfortable with the fact that they owe money, and going farther and farther into the hole every day.

You may have picked up that I hate debt on about the same level as I hate drugs.  I think they are the same type of addiction and have seen them both destroy lives of people I love and change who they are.  They start innocently, then you get further and further in and they become more and more destructive.  I have determined for myself that the only time debt is allowed is for a car, home, or medical bills.  I'm not even sure about the car.....and I probably could even make a case against the house.  But I have allowed it for myself.  And I choose what I buy with care....after a keen review of my finances.

Verse 16 lists the prideful as the first type of people that God doesn't like.  We've become a people who think we should have things by what we "deserve".....which is not based on what we have worked for, or saved for, or have the money for.....but some other nebulous characteristic that evidently has to do with our own "fabulous-ness. "   The idea that "I am most special."  It's all about us.  But the reality is that the most special and the most fabulous...they don't necessarily get the most stuff.  One thing has nothing to do with the other.   In fact, the opposite is often the case.  Things don't matter.....but a heart that acknowledges what is good and right and just and pure, God's heart, is.  That is where we should find our value.  Oh....and if you don't have the money and/or are in debt but are still using money as a currency for giving (buying gifts for others, supporting charities, etc.), you are operating from pride and not from truth.  A true gift is given from what you have or what you are.  Not something that is effectively stolen from someone else (your debtors.)

I have learned that money problems can seldom be solved by giving people money.  I've also learned to do your research before you make a deal.  My friend's family had refused to lend her the money.  Friends closer than me had refused.  If I had talked to them, I would have probably seen it wasn't because none had money themselves or because they all lacked generosity.  They knew her character.  She had done this before.  She had money issues.  She never could have enough.  She was selfish.  She was prideful.  The kind of woman God doesn't like much because she has the kind of heart that is difficult to penetrate...she scorns both God and other people.  She lives the kind of life that disheartens those around her.  I know she disheartened me.....and took away an innocence that I wish I still had.  I always want to believe that people are good.....but the truth is, that by nature we are sinners.  It takes self-discipline to control that sin.  We shouldn't be surprised when the lack of it spirals a person out of control.....and we should be weary when it does.  Enabling the behavior is not kind, and not a sign of your strength.  It is, in fact, the opposite.  So take action, lead yourself in the other direction.....and don't be pulled down.  Don't be the hunted animal.  A hunted animal's life is not that great!  And sometimes they are killed.