I Love........Physical Therapy

I love PHYSICAL THERAPY. I "graduated" today from a month of physical therapy on my knees. My right knee is a bit of a mess internally.....there is evidence of an old injury (of which the clumsy me has no recollection of injuring, but they say could have even gone back to childhood), bone spurs, and most importantly the start of arthritis (which is here to stay....it is not going away). Lisa, the physical therapist that developed my care plan, has also said that neither of my knees is "tracking straight" and there is fluid built-up behind them. Oh, and I could play one of Cinderella's stepsisters right now, because they are downright crunchy! You can tell it fascinates me a bit. OK, a lot. Still I have been incredibly healthy most of my life and the idea that this area of my body is "turning on me" alternately annoys me and reminds me how fortunate I am.

I've had pain in my knees since spring. I tried to "push through" it, as many suggested to me, but that just didn't feel to me like the best way to care for my body. I'm a believer that we can ruin our bodies with excess just as we can with neglect and I have come to a point where I try to listen to mine, and learn the difference between building it up and tearing it down.

My wonderful nurse practitioner Judy offered me a couple of suggestions when I was discussing it with her during my annual physical. My choices as I saw them were I could start visits with an orthopedist (which makes me think of shots and surgery), I could go straight to physical therapy, or I could continue doing nothing. The physical therapy seemed to make the most sense to me.

Since I had benched myself into not working out at all due to the pain (awesome excuse....and it is so easy to just give it all up!), I had already seen my whole body impacted. Yes, there was the weight gain that is a horror to any woman, but to see my muscles soften and sag was the most heartbreaking. And probably the most motivating to get out of the rut, because I believe that one of the major responsibilities God has given me is to be a good caretaker to this shell I reside in.

I've already written about my feeling of hopelessness I felt when I was told I couldn't run again at my first physical therapy appointment. Well, it wasn't necessarily forbidden. I was told I could do it if the idea of knee surgery in my near future was acceptable. As caretaker of my body, that seems like lighting a fire to a room to clean my house. So no, not the best option! I knew I had to change my mind about the direction in which my body needed to head.

Since I was using physical therapy to strengthen rather than cure, I think my experience was better than most. Well, easier anyway. It seemed simple. I had to do things like step up and down a stair. Sounds really easy, doesn't it? Then why did my body weirdly wobble at times as I attempted to keep my balance? Why couldn't my brain keep the right pattern in it and get the proper rhythm going? At times it seemed like all these mini-failures were going on, but eventually it would click. And yes, I would feel pride that I was getting it right. I could do this.

I listened intently for anything that would give me information about my body. They confirmed the lack of strength in my legs (shocking because my legs have always been pretty strong), and that my balance is terrible. They explained the areas of my legs we needed to build up to take over some of the weight bearing that my knees just can't handle. As experts their eyes could see things mine couldn't. They could see a slight tremor and know what that particular muscle was experiencing and how to make it stronger.

The physical therapists constantly asked me my pain level. I have a difficult time answering that question. I still don't think I do it well. I am sure it is because I over-analyze the question in my quest to come up with the "right" answer. Maybe there isn't a right answer. Maybe it is just a matter of the relationship between all of your answers. My four may be someone else's eight...but what matters is when that four goes to a three or a five. I felt like it was maybe a three or four when we started out. They weren't making me do much that caused pain to my knee, but it did hurt when I did certain things. Through most of PT, though, I didn't feel pain. My level was zero. They said that was good. But I learned to articulate another level of things. I learned to be able to express while at times there was not pain, there was discomfort. That still was significant. I learned that sometimes that discomfort was a good thing, as I was building things up, but sometimes it meant that I was headed in the wrong direction and I needed to back off or try something new. I had to think about it to try to figure out the difference. As someone with focus problems ("Squirrel!!"), I had to make sure I kept myself aware of how what I was doing impacted my body. I learned to try to mentally articulate what was doing on. A bit different than my typical "I hate this, I hate this, I hate this" I normally focus on when working out.

You do physical therapy in a room with others doing physical therapy. I saw many recovering from knee surgery. They faced much more pain than me...a reminder of what I was possibly avoiding in trying to make a pre-emptive strike. I'd hear other patients report pain levels of eight and ten. How fortunate that even at my worst, when the pain got too painful to run, that I don't believe I would have been at that level of pain.

Physical therapy reminded me the little things matter.

• A slight twist of my foot may make a calf stretch a bit deeper.
• Not going down so much on a squat would give me the stretch my body needed without making my knees hurt afterward.
• A few extra reps of a lighter weight may build up my strength faster and safer than doing fewer reps of a much heavier weight. Doing a lot of reps of a simple move may take the muscle from comfortable to throbbing.
• To get stronger, you need a bit of resistance.
• You can wear yourself out doing an exercise wrong, but not get any stronger. 

The most important thing that physical therapy reminded me is that where I am today is OK. Yes, had I done certain things differently (such as continuing exercise that didn't stress my knee when I started having issues) I would be in better shape today. But what is gained in letting my mind stall in that place? I still have a distance to travel to be where I need to be, but I have more tools in my arsenal. For example, I don't have to give up my treadmill. I can use it differently. Who knew that walking on it backwards, slowly, could strengthen the muscles I need to strengthen most? When I master that, I can add some sidestepping, that will strengthen other muscles and help me work on my balance. There is no need to be bored.

When I took yoga classes years ago, I saw that everything yoga requires, I lack. Balance, attention span, flexibility. The instructor taught that the first thing that was necessary to practice yoga was that you looked within and didn't compare yourself to anyone else and that you learned to know your body and listen to its natural wisdom. Physical therapy reminded me of these concepts.

Our bodies are great gifts, and regardless of their current shape we must treat them well. Good can go to bad, bad can go to worse. But also, worse can go to best. The plan for care is as individual and unique as we each are, but it needs to be a plan where we succeed. You need to compel yourself to  advance and change course as needed. And you need to celebrate the small victories, because they win us the war.

I'm glad to be a graduate of physical therapy. I love what it did for me. I will now enroll in grad school.

I Love.......Globes

I love GLOBES. I'm not sure when my fascination with them began. I must have been young. I don't remember anyone I knew that had one of their own, so it must have been in school. I never was a big geography buff, so it was never about that. Even today I would probably have difficulty finding a lot of countries, even those to which I have traveled. Still, if a globe is in the room I will probably notice it, and if no one is looking (or maybe even if they are) I will probably feel the need to touch it or give it a little spin. Globes both comfort and fascinate me.

I own two globes. I remember I pondered the purchase of the first one for quite a while. It seemed frivolous. In the end, I couldn't help myself. I bought it. While it wasn't an expensive one, the black waters made it a bit unique. Loving the color black as I do, it seemed to be the right globe for me. Sometimes I take it down and spin it on its axis, amazed I own my own little compact world. Also amazed that certain places are nowhere close to where I thought they were!

Throughout the childhoods of my three youngest nieces (Maggie, Taylor, and Addison), when Aunt Kim was going to take a trip we played a game where they would have to find where I was going. First they had to find North Carolina. Then they had to find the country of destination. I would give them clues as to where it was until they could put their finger on it. Then they would trace a line from one to another, and we would talk about where I would be traveling. Taylor, especially, had a great memory of the places. When I would get back from the trip, she could often still find the way to my destination.

The other globe I bought as a souvenir from.....somewhere. As is often the case, I don't remember where I bought it. I do remember it held no real significance to the place I was visiting...I could have found one back home, and possibly at a better price. But this little tiny jewel globe was beautiful, with its bright blue waters. Too small for any real function, it just made me happy to look at it. While I can't recall where I purchased it, I remembered thinking it was a perfect reminder of a good trip....and the promise to myself of more good trips to come.

What's so great about a globe? It makes our world one. This world that seems so one-dimensional in our everyday life, with  so many divisions and differences, is actually a huge rotating ball. Twirl it in its axis and you don't see the separation we humans often create. We rotate together. In sync. It`s beautiful, really. The different colors of the countries speak of the colors of many different faces and cultures, distinct, but adjoined to their neighbors. When you look at the United States compared to the rest of the world, we're really just a small part. Yes, we have states bigger than many countries, but there is so much there besides us. Looking at the globe you can see small countries of great power and large countries who have struggled. The amount of land you own isn't necessarily correlated to your global world power or significance.

While the shapes of the land remain pretty much the same, often the countries change. You can usually figure out when the globe was made based on the countries that show on it. Yugoslavia is not on my globe, but it shows Serbia and Montenegro together. That means it was probably made between 2003 and 2006, I believe. I actually thought it was older than that! I'll have to think about that more.

Globes remind me of all the countries I have been fortunate to visit, but show me I haven't made a dent in where I want to go. I will continue to spin them and pick new places to explore, and dream of the adventures to be had.

I remember a show from when I was growing up, with a theme song that sounded really creepy, but had lyrics of note. The Big Blue Marble. 

"The earth's a Big Blue Marble
When you see it from out there
The sun and moon declare
Our beauty's very rare

Folks are folks and kids are kids
We share a common name
We speak a different way
But work and play the same

We sing pretty much alike
Enjoy spring pretty much alike
Peace and love we all understand
And laughter, we use the very same brand

Our differences, our problems
From out there there's not much trace

Our friendships they can place
While looking at the face
Of the Big Blue Marble in space."

And here we sit, a pin drop on that big blue marble, spinning and spinning. Living life on that globe. Yes, I love it.

I Love........Encouragement

Well, it is the month of February, also known as "Love Month", and I am going to once again do a little exercise my niece Sara Johnson got me started on several years ago, that actually was the catalyst for me starting to blog. She decided to post a Facebook status about something she loved every day during the month of February and I decided to join her. It was so difficult for this A.D.D. mind to focus on anything for 28-consecutive days, but it was also life changing for me. My life needs a little shaking up right now, both in discipline and to jump-start some areas of my life that are a bit stalled, so though it does intimidate me a bit I have decided to give it another try. I hope you enjoy, and that it even touches you in some way, but mostly it's a bit self-centered. Let's see how it goes! Feel free to talk back to me....I love comments...or I challenge you to give it a try yourself!


I love ENCOURAGEMENT. I would define encouragement as noticing what is good, and feeding and watering that good thing so it grows. You'd think it would be something that would come naturally to us, but in our myopic self-centered lives sometimes we forget that folks need our support, just as we need the support of others. Even those who appear to need no one can be boosted by a smile or kind word of understanding. Most often we are not intentional in offering words or gestures of grace. Busy-ness, worries, too much self-indulgence, too much time and attention spent on things that bring us no value, putting our nose into things that are none of our business... these are all the enemies of an encouraging spirit.

True encouragement must be based on truth. I can't stress that enough. Heartbreak often will come to people down the line if you encourage something not bathed in truth. You are doing harm, and not good.

I was standing talking to someone one day when a woman entered the room. The woman I was talking with said to me "Look at that ugly dress." When the woman, who was a "friend" of hers, walked by us she hugged her and said "Hi girl....I love your dress." Anyone who knows me knows it put me in a state of crazy. There are so many things she could say to this woman that were positive and truthful, but she chose the thing that was a lie. Cheap encouragement. In my mind it was a negative passive-aggressive comment, not worthy as a gift to a friend. Reminded me of who I don't want to be..and that my personal motto should be "If you can't say something truthful, say nothing at all."

On the other hand, if you see a friend wearing a dress that makes her look awesome, telling her so is a gift that goes beyond the few words spoken. That is what reinforces her esteem truthfully. It is info that she can use to create her personal style, figure out what best complements her body. It allows her to trust in the truthful words of those who care for her.

Children need encouragement too, and often we are a bit stingy with this encouragement. We tell them they look beautiful and handsome, we tell them they are smart, we tell them they are the best in the world....at everything. Yep, it makes them feel good at the moment, but what does it do to them for life? I'm actually OK with a few rounds of beautiful, smart, best in the world (because I think with children they are truthfully these things to us), but then I think there needs to be another layer. We need to help them discover what is genuinely special about them....and sometimes we need to encourage them by teaching them how to make this special shine. 

Sometimes our encouragement needs to be more than words. Suppose there's a little boy that wants to be a great baseball player, but doesn't appear to have a lot of natural talent. True encouragement is not telling him he is the best player on the team and the coach is wrong in not playing him (though you are allowed to tell him he is your favorite!) Encouragement for him may be taking him out and teaching him to be a better ball player. Showing him how you improve skills and being willing to lend a hand until he becomes better. Giving encouragement that goes beyond a few insincere words, is a great gift indeed.

We don't just encourage people....we can also encourage other things in the world we think are good. You say you hate cancer....how do you encourage the eradication of that disease? Maybe you fundraiser by joining a team for something like Relay for Life, maybe you take a meal to a cancer patient, maybe you drive someone to a chemo treatment, maybe you educate people about the disease, maybe you study to be a researcher or pay for the education of someone else who has a passion to study for a career in that field. You encourage the cause you believe in....the thing you believe will make a positive change in the world.

I have always loved Barnabus in the Bible. There was this guy named Saul whose life mission became to persecute Christians. Scripture says even when he was a young man he was at the stoning of Stephen (evidently in full support.) He later arrested Christians and put them in jail. He wanted them killed. Then one day as he was traveling to Damascus he had an encounter where God changed him. His mission became to tell the world about this God he had come to know. To help Christians instead of hurt them. You can imagine how easily everyone believed that transformation story! But Barnabus....he listened to Saul. He believed him. He put his reputation on the line when he took him to the apostles and vouged for him. Barnabus believed God could change a man, and his faith in Saul enabled him to become one of the great writers and teachers of the Christian faith, who we know as the apostle Paul. Barnabus shows us that encouragement is so much more than words....and can not only change people today, but the impact can change future generations.

We live in a world of discouraged people....who naturally discourage others. The discouragers drain the world of the good, the positive. They stifle potential. You can damage or kill a person's spirit, or you can help it soar. Encouragers.....I love you and what you bring to the world. I see you in action and you encourage me. Those who haven't been good at encouraging in the past, you can change. Get out there and plant and water the good things. You just may find you have a green thumb when it comes to boosting the spirits of others. Don't just let it happen by accident. Intend to be an encourager.

Two Guys In A Balloon

Photo by Troy Bradley

So this week these two guys, Troy and Leonid, decided to take a balloon ride, from Japan to North America, hoping to break two world records (longest distance and time aloft in a gas balloon.) They began their journey last Saturday and have spent most of their last week flying over the Pacific Ocean. I began my journey from my home in Statesville, watching on my iPad, and will end up in the same place.

So they have broken the records, and now we await their landing. They are currently off of Baja, or maybe over it since they are so close, and it is about 5 a.m. They have traveled in the balloon around 6,635 miles and been at it for 159 hours. Now we watch to see where will they land and when.

It's more than two guys in a balloon. So much planning, so many people, have been involved. They have a command center in Albequerque with some of the brightest and most able experts advising them. They have chase crews at ready. Then there are all of our armchair quarterbacks...the whole ballooning community has been watching, discussing and praying for a safe flight and safe landing.

Community.....it's so important. Could these guys have done this on their own? Maybe, but their odds improve because they do not. Because of technology they have worked as a team with those on land, able to talk with them often. They use the resources at their disposal. Smart. Especially when you are backed up good people and technology.

They don't necessarily need people like me, checking my browser first thing in the morning to see how far they have traveled and what direction they are heading. Checking during the day several times, and before I go to bed at night. Reading with delight reports of their journey. Praying for their safety and wellbeing. But yet, to do something like this and know there are people the world over who care, many strangers, must make the accomplishment a bit sweeter.

Some may say that this is a silly thing, that there are so many better uses for their time and resources. Truth is they are a scientific experiment in motion. Not only is their flight something to study and learn from, teaching us how our aviation technology works at such distances, but their bodies are also being monitored to study what happens to someone traveling at high altitudes in a non-pressurized environment.

But even without this, there is the value of living the adventure. While many of us spent the week in our normal routines, they were making history. They were testing their knowledge, skill and endurance. They were taking God's gifts and saying "So, what else can we do with this?"

Most of us will never have such an experience as this. Still, we can learn a lot from it. Approaching life with a sense of adventure adds color and dimension. I don't know about you, but I feel like I have too many wasted days. Too much humdrum. Days that aren't celebrations of life, but are spent coasting in lethargy in the gray. Living by rote instead of basking in a delightful celebration of life. Don't let your only celebration of your life be by others after your death. You don't need to break world records. Sometimes it is living the humdrum with a whole different attitude.

As you adventure through life, who have you chosen in your command center? Are those advising and supporting you really experts in the areas for which you ask for their advice, or are they just someone you have casually grabbed at random, whose advice and support is hit or miss? Do you have people who will watch your back, even if you haven't asked them? People who will cheer you on to success and invest time, resources, and prayers on your behalf just because? Who will talk out the mistakes with you, helping you learn and grow? You probably do, whether you access them or not is another question. Sometimes you must open your eyes and reach out your hands and ask for them to join you.

In a few hours we will see this flight come to an end. It's sort of like the Super Bowl for balloonists, though we're all cheering for the same team. They have overcome many battles to get here, followed their game plan, made adjustments as necessary, and they have conquered many strong and worthy opponents. While the game is not quite over yet, many are anticipating that time with cheers. We are proud of their accomplishment. We are proud they have set the bar a bit higher. Congratulations guys. Welcome back to earth, Troy and Leonid, the Two Eagles Balloon Team. God is laughing in delight with you. So am I. Thanks for letting me join the journey. It's been fun. Soft landings!

"May the winds welcome you with softness.

May the sun bless you with its warm hands.
May you fly so high and so well that God
joins you in laughter and sets you gently
back into the loving arms of Mother Earth."

                                 The Balloonists Prayer

But I thought I hated it......

I really hated running. Every step I would run I would be reciting a mental mantra of "I hate this. I really hate this. I haven't even run a minute? How can that be? How am I ever going to finish? I'd look like an idiot if I stopped now. Do I care if I look like an idiot? Why do I keep doing this to myself?" Those thoughts kept me occupied and if I hung in there, I usually would meet my goal for the day. I went from where a minute seemed to be a day to where I could run a 30-minute span and say "Yes!" While I never got that "runner's high" others have talked about, there were moments of pleasure and accomplishment. But still, progress or not, overall I hated it.

So why did tears come to my eyes when they told me I couldn't run anymore? I always would have thought that if someone told me that there would be tears of joy, but they weren't. It made me sad. It frustrated me. I felt regret. Why is that?

Running brought good things to my life. I got to spend good quality hang-out time with friends. We had long conversations as we tried to build our bodies up, and in the process stayed in touch with each other's lives. We wore tutus, were chased by zombies and rolled in the mud. I lost weight. I learned that time invested eventually paid off....but could be lost if not maintained. Running was an exercise I could do in my own neighborhood, or even on the treadmill in my own house. Running required good shoes, but little else in the way of equipment. It did the job and made it easy. Once I got a treadmill, I really had few excuses as to why I couldn't do it. (Don't worry.....I developed some good ones. I am creative!)

But the biggest impact running had on my life was the work it did on my brain. While my mind ran that tape of negative messages, the actual run negated them. Running reminded me that my mind can be my enemy. It is often a liar. My mind tells me I can't do things that I later prove that I can. It tells me that I'm not good enough, don't have what it takes to succeed, that I am not athletic and that is something you are born with....or not (I, of course, was a not). My brain tells me obstacles are insurmountable. It tells me that I am all I ever can be....that I won't get better and if anything I will regress. My mind doesn't always respect me, and yes, I would say that it even hates me sometimes.

The truth is that we're more amazing than the limits of our mind. You've heard the saying "What the mind can conceive, you can achieve." Another lie. We can achieve so much more than we ever can imagine.

A lot of us have minds full of negative messaging. I think some is innate. The biology predisposes us to think in a certain way. Think of depression. Think of our attitudes after a sleepless night. Think of the hormones of adolescence. We were a bit crazy at that time, for no apparent reason. I remember coming home from a perfectly good day if school, going to my bedroom and crying my eyes out, while thinking "Why am I doing this? Nothing is wrong!" I kept it to myself, but had I asked someone like the adult me, I would have gotten an explanation.

Some of us have spent a lifetime receiving negative messaging from those around us. Some mean to say negative things about us, yes, but the vast majority don't. Or do, but wouldn't if they knew the impact they really have one us. (Though never discount that there are some people out there who are either mean and/or unbalanced. They come with no rational explanation.) Sometimes we interpret subtext that isn't there. Sometimes we bear the brunt of their own issues...they feel bad about themselves and want us right there with them. Sometimes they think they know us, know our potential, know our character, and know our weaknesses. They may know something about us, but nobody ever knows everything about us. We forget they are only human, and their judgments, like our own, are limited. Some may be based on truth, but not the whole truth.

Running showed me I could do something that I thought was impossible. I remember the first time someone called me a runner. It was a casual reference they made to someone else, which made it all the more special. It wasn't pandering to me. That is how he thought of me. He saw me run, no matter the quality, and to him I was a runner.
 
I also did have the naysayers (or nay thinkers). Friends who would make veiled comments about my lack of potential. I finally got so I would say to myself "Yeah, I used to think it was impossible for me, too." Once again, their issues, their opinions....not necessarily truth. But for every one of them, there were probably five who said "Of course you can."

I never wanted to be a runner of any great caliber. I liked it simply because it was fast and efficient and effective exercise. I ran worse in the few races I ran in than I would run on my own. My best running was in private. I liked the runs I would do in my own neighborhood . I found people would often discourage or intimidate me more than motivate me (this was not their fault, but once again the fault of my warped mind). It was in my neighborhood, all by myself, that I first ran for thirty minutes without stopping. It was my neighborhood that I built a personal routine focused on improvement. It was in my neighborhood that I celebrated most of my victories, alone and quietly. It was in my neighborhood that I could throw shoes on, go outside, and start fighting to win the battle in my mind. It was in my neighborhood that I could quiet myself the best and actually acknowledge the humorous mental battle I had going on in my head.

My body has been incredibly healthy all of my life. I've never gotten a stitch, never broken a bone, never had an injury that made me have to do more than limit activity for a day or two. When I started to have problems with my knees, I never thought it was anything serious. But when the pain got worse, and the x-ray showed the damage was not something that would heal and go away, I was told running would lead to a definite knee surgery. Therefore, no running in my future, since I am surgery adverse. There are many other exercise alternatives certainly, but it will take a while to find something that will give my body a quick and sufficient workout as effective as running, So I mourn a bit.

The news that running was not part of my future was grim. I will miss it, even though it was such a hated activity in my life. Currently I am undergoing physical therapy, to strengthen the muscles in my legs so they can support the bum knees for a long time to come. I know I will be able to hike and kayak and do many of the other things that I really love (but which haven't brought as much instant gratification in weight loss!) I will learn ways to strengthen the rest of my body. There are many, many possibilities....some which I suspect I will enjoy more than I ever enjoyed running. I'll find something that will again test my brain in its life-long conviction that I cannot do athletic things.

But the lessons I learned, I carry with me. No one knows my full potential but God.....not me, not the "experts", not the people around me. As long as I live there will be tests to show me how to get better at all of the different areas of my life. Most of these will require I exercise (or is it "exorcize") my mind. I could do as some running friends have suggested and just ignore the views of the medical professionals and continue running (some actually said "Knee surgery isn't that bad"), but there are times you ignore the experts and times you listen and re-adjust as a result of their wisdom. God nudges us sometimes to head in a different direction, and I have experienced that enough in my life to know sometimes heading in another direction is best, even if I don't always understand why. So I may not be running, but the adventure continues. Good things are ahead. My feet...and my knees... will still be taking me places I have never been before. Hopefully for a long time to come, because I intend to enjoy the journey.

My New Year's Resolution

I kinda need a new year right now, I think. Time to reboot. Time to recharge. Time to reflect on my life and think about what's right for me and what's wrong. You may understand. I have the feeling I have been on a very long roller coaster ride and finally they stop it, and force me off before I am quite ready, and I wander away, a bit off balance. OK, but not OK. Trying to process what I just did, and what I really think about it. Was it more scary than fun, or more fun than scary? Did the twists and turns thrill me or knock my body out of alignment? Am I really a roller coaster person, or more of the Ferris wheel or Merry-go-round type? And I do this while in a crowd of people whose only thought was "Whee! What a  ride!"

Rebel that I am I usually resent any forced reflection or goal setting....the call to make resolutions. I admit to feeling that way now. I am supposed to know my game plan for 2015 already, and I just don't. Some have asked what my resolutions are for the new year and I feel pressured by well-meaning friends who want to help hold me accountable. The idea of that paralyzes me at the moment. I'm not ready yet. For either the resolutions or the renewed accountability.

So I'll just say this. I am going to be kinder to myself. I'm going to make changes as I become ready to make changes. Some may be visible to you, most....the important ones, probably will not. But being kind to me....I want that to be my focus.

We're our biggest critics. Not only do we let our own voice berate us, but we let the voices of others. Real and imagined. Valid or not.

While others seem very motivated by big goals, they aren't usually helpful to me. They overwhelm. When others feel moved to action by criticism, even valid and kind criticism, it often weighs me down and keeps me from moving and growing. I'm a bit more self-reflective than most, and I don't see the world in quite the same way as others. I am over-analytical of things to which others don't give a thought. Knowing this about myself, I need to give myself a break. Relax more. Not be moved by the urgent, but instead shape my life to reflect the important. Make sure the voices I pay attention to are not the loudest or ones who declare they have all the answers, but to the ones that reflect my personal mission and my personal beliefs.

But the kindness thing....that needs to be my overwhelming goal. I think that may be the one that gets me where I need to go. I am not talking about a wimpy kindness that doesn't challenge or force growth. I need the opposite. I need to move ahead, knowing that I have a purpose for living, and then make sure my life is built to support my purpose. What and who in my life is helpful to that purpose, and what drags me down? That doesn't mean that I necessarily drop the difficult people, because sometimes learning to deal with them is important. Sometimes loving them well is my purpose. But I may need to prune other relationships that require effort and energy and don't seem to add much to my life (or me to theirs.) And I don't want to neglect the people of my heart....who deserve my best, and not just scraps. They are the life-givers, the one that are used by God to refresh and renew my soul. They need time and undivided attention. Not just for them, but for me.

I'm coming out of a 2014 that was wonderful in many ways, but that also leaves me feeling drained and  battered. Kindness will clean and bandage the wounds and lead to healing. And maybe some scar tissue that is formed will be a bit tougher than the rest of my skin...making me both tougher and still part tender. For me change will not come at full impact as I drew a line in the sand at midnight last night. That's too harsh for me right now. Resolutions? All I've got right now is to resolve be kind. To myself and to others. If I focus on that change, I suspect it will be a happy new year indeed. Welcome 2015. I'm glad you're here.....and I am too. I'm ready for day one.

Are You Ready For Christmas?

"Are you ready for Christmas?" Stop asking that question! For me, who hates shopping and particularly hates gift shopping, it's simply a catalyst to extra stress and pressure. It's an easy conversation starter, granted, and I am sure that I have been known to say it at times myself (being a bit of an idiot in the small talk department and eager to latch onto any cliché I can come up with), but if I hear it one more time this year I just may go a bit nuts.

No, I am not ready. Truth be told, I've been lying in bed reading since about 7:30. Yes, there are things I should be doing, but the thought stresses me out, so I just retreat. I have groceries to buy (and since I don't make a list and plan well, I will probably forget at least one key ingredient.) I have presents to buy....for MY PARENTS, for example!!!!! They are horrible to buy for. They buy what they want, and are constantly in downsizing mode. They don't like gift cards, they don't give hints, and dad especially would prefer not to have things to open. I sometimes just don't give them anything....that sounds bad, doesn't it? For Dad, especially, that is fine, and Mom too really, but why do I still feel stressed when I can't come up with a good idea?

I've got friends who are amazing gift-givers....and on one hand I don't feel the need to compete with them (because they are exceptional people and I am hopeless and I know will love me anyway, even if I arrive empty-handed), but I do want to honor them with something special. They are worth it. But chances are, no...they won't get gifts or if they are they won't be great. Or they won't be on time. I surrender. I will never be the coolest gift-giving friend. (Unless you are a kid, and then I have a chance.)

Thankfully some of the stores I bought from offered free gift wrapping this year, so there aren't a lot of gifts to wrap, but those that are will throw me in a last minute tizzy as I get ready to run out the door on Christmas day. Scissors, tape, paper, tags, bags, tissue paper, and ribbon....will I have all I need? Probably not.

I have baked nothing so far this year (so don't expect the gift of baked goods) and the caramel cake I said I would make for our family Christmas? Of course I have never made it before. Yes, they say you shouldn't do that, but when would I test recipes if not for using family and friends as guinea pigs? They come out OK on occasion. And there will be plenty of other food! The salad I am making? That will be OK, if I make the aforementioned trip to the grocery store and actually buy the fixings. But have I put any thought into what will go into it? Nooooo!

And then there is half of a day of work tomorrow, a Christmas Eve service to attend, and a trip to Greensboro to participate in a 20+ year tradition of Christmas caroling at the hospital. So how many hours until Christmas?

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we fill our plate to overwhelming?

I am not in a total frenzy.....at least externally. When the stress gets up there, I retreat, so right now I appear calm. Thankfully I was born into a family influenced by my grandmother Lois McKinney, who never seemed riled by anything like this. She knew most things were not worth getting worked up over. I've got a touch of her in me, along with my grandsha on my mom's side who was also calm in a storm, but a bit of discontent and high expectations from the other two grandparents. My mother was the "get it all done" type, and my dad, well, he just doesn't seem to notice it is a day different than other days. As for me, the nature is at war in times like these.

When I analyze it, these things that stress me out are not what I consider to be important about Christmas, or important to my relationships. I need to release myself from that stress. The real reason for Christmas is not about a box or about meeting an impossible standard. The real reason for Christmas was to release us from that pressure. We can't be good enough. We can't do it all.

"For unto you is born a Savior."

We are the reason for the season. We are the reason the Christmas gift, the Christ child, was given. If there was no one else in the world, the gift would have still been given for you. Because you are that important to God. If we are willing to receive the gift, we are ready for Christmas. That is all it takes to celebrate in the manner it was intended.

Relax, and enjoy. It is a time we should feel most loved and at peace. Not because of how we are treated by others, but because of who we are before God. Am I ready for Christmas? Why yes, I am. Bring it on! Emmanuel. God is with us. Come, let us adore him.

Holiday in ALL CAPS

I had a conversation with my dad and a couple of my uncles the other day where I mentioned that if you typed in all caps, it was considered shouting. This was news to them, and I don't think they buy it. One of my uncles said "If you send me an email in all caps, I would think that you were helping me out and making it easier to read."

I have seen some folks online on message boards berating someone for "shouting at everyone" only to find out that the person was handicapped and used all caps because it was easier for them to type that way. Made me think to myself "Be careful of what you get on your high horse about."

We think everyone is like us. If Christmases past hold good memories for us, we think Christmas holds good memories for all. If we look forward to the day, we think everyone looks forward to the day. If we are excited about the gifts we buy and are having a blast shopping for them, we think everyone has the same feeling.

Truth is, we're quite insensitive and self-absorbed.

So here is a list of things that some folks I know are dealing with this Christmas....

🎁 Some folks have lost loved ones this year to death and are dreading their first holiday without them. Some lost them years ago, but still have not gotten over the pain of having them gone at holidays.

🎁 Some have had their holidays disrupted by divorce, and miss having their spouse (even if they didn't like them much). They are having to share their kids for the holidays in a way they never planned. The kids? They may feel guilt they don't speak, especially when the parent makes it more difficult for them.

🎁 Some people have been diagnosed with a nasty disease and are wondering if perhaps this will be their last Christmas on earth with their loved ones. Their families are wondering if it will be the last one they will celebrate with them and their hearts are breaking.

🎁 Some folks are out of a job and uncertain what they will do if one does not show itself on the horizon.

🎁 Some people don't have a loving family and are facing the tension of spending even a few hours with folks related to them by blood, who they feel obligated to spend time with, but who always make them feel miserable. Their day will be spent dodging insults, avoiding cruel criticism, and trying to not retaliate when they feel like they are going over the edge.

🎁 Some folks are already in debt higher than they ever thought possible, but they have kids who expect the same Christmas presents as their friends get from Santa. They're worried about things like whether their power will be on come Christmas morning or whether they will have money for groceries. 

🎁 Some are buying gifts for unappreciative people, knowing that whatever they buy, it will not be "right."

🎁 Some have told people they really don't want gifts, but are bought gifts anyway. They struggle being gracious receiving things they don't need, or want, that are bought out of an obligation and has nothing to do with them.

🎁 Some folks are alone, or just feeling alone even if they are in a crowd.

🎁 Some people have needs they will not speak. They keep them to themselves, and are miserable because they are not being met. (If this is you, tell people!)

🎁 Some people don't see gift giving as you do. Some want practical gifts, while you want the impractical. Some want impractical luxury, while you have always given what they need. Some want gifts, but you say "I don't do gifts." Some say "I don't want gifts" but don't mean it. others really do. For some the only gift they want is your time and attention. Truth is, if you love someone, you probably should try to do what works for them. But then again, if you have expectations, give them the gift of giving those up. Meet people where they are. What they can do now. They may be paralyzed with fear underneath that "I don't care" veneer. Maybe you need to give yourself the perfect gift and remove the pressure from them. Maybe you need to get over your gift obsession and celebrate other things. Wherever you are, maybe the best gift you can give everyone is to change your mindset.

🎁 Some people don't celebrate Christmas. Their religion may be different, or it could be something else. Truth is, it is celebrating Christmas is not mandatory. Even for Christians. 

I hope Christmas Day, however you spend it, finds you in a lovely place of peace, love and contentment. If you're not there, I pray that you will make your needs known, to those who care about you or even to a stranger. Locking it inside changes nothing and makes you miserable. But is it a need or a want? Are you expecting others to make you happy or are you looking for ways to be joyful in your day in spite of all? And for those of you who have nothing but love for the season, don't be so self-absorbed you don't see those around you in pain.

When people shout "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" or "HAPPY HOLIDAYS!", may it not sound like a loud and angry shouting to your ears, but instead like the balm of someone who is trying to make it easier for you to celebrate life. I wish you joy that comes from deep in your soul, and has nothing to do with circumstances or other people, every single day of the year.

Don't End The Story Too Soon

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare

I was in my twenties. Poor. Not poor like many in their twenties today.... living independently on my paltry salary and poor enough that I would get my paycheck and would have about $15 for incidentals after bills were paid. That needed to last two weeks. Most of my friends were just as poor as me....we bonded over free and cheap food and entertainment. It was one of the best times of my life. We lived in crappy apartments or houses, with one or more roommates, and would pass possessions around as we each had need of them. We'd go through each other's Goodwill bags. The 80s version of communal living. Some of my very best friends came into my life during that time. It was an important time of life for me. I think many parents today do a disservice to their kids when they try to protect them and don't allow them to experience those years. There are a lot of lessons to be learned when you "have not"...and a lot of character to build along the way.

I had a friend who needed money. $300. A fortune to me. Because of many hours of working overtime, I had built up an amount in my bank account just over that (maybe $325!) I didn't hand it over quickly. It was precious and the first time I had a bit of a nest egg. But she said no one else would lend her the money. I had already determined I wanted to be generous in my life, so I did it. I lent her the money. I never asked what it was for. I believed her when she said the money would be paid back in two weeks.

You may know what's coming. Two weeks came and she didn't have the money. I don't think I said anything at all. I just waited. Time continued to go by. No word. Occasional promises to repay, but they were never met. No plan was ever formulated for getting it back to me. No dollar a week, until it was done. She continued to live quite well. Better than me, in fact. Her own apartment (while I had to have a roommate to make ends meet), beautiful clothes. Yet I still considered her a friend. And I still thought she would pay me back.

When I began to realize the payment didn't seem to be forthcoming, it really wasn't the money that bothered me. It was how I didn't seem to matter to her. I still was struggling. I had a car that was forever breaking down. It broke down once again and I needed the money to pay for repairs. I finally went to her and asked for it. The first time I had done it directly. She said she didn't have it. She had just put down a down payment for a house. She didn't seem to see a problem with that. It was what finally broke my heart and made me walk away. Had she continued to pursue the friendship, I am sure I would have relented. But she didn't....and finally I didn't. I realized she was out of my life. Or maybe I realized I was out of hers.

I admit I was bitter for a while. Not for a long while, but long enough to realize I didn't like feeling that way. I finally had a heart to heart with God. Yeah, I needed to change. While I didn't think that meant going back and trying to re-kindle the friendship, I had to give up the bitterness. And the mental hold on the money. I learned to replace the negative feelings with praying for her good when she came to mind. That helped. I also remembered that I really own nothing. I am lent it by God. Yes, I earned my way by working....but still, it can all be gone tomorrow. It won't mean anything on the other side of heaven...though I can enjoy it today as a good gift. So I had to accept the money as gone and move on with a joyful heart. Usually I was successful.

I learned a lot about being a good steward of my money going forward. To give generously, but judiciously. Not to lend money to people with money problems (if you can't handle what you have, more will usually not help.) Not to lend money when the person had no direct plan to pay it back, a strong worth ethic, or a history of financial responsibility. Not to lend money I couldn't afford to never see again. Not to lend money with the expectation that those who borrow it will pay it back. Not to lend money to people who I want in my life in the future.

But wait, there's more....fast forward to today. I seldom use my laptop, since my iPad is so easy to use, but I had it out and noticed some Facebook messages I had never seen before. Evidently there is a separate box apart from my Inbox. Evidently messages from people who are not your Facebook friends go there. Evidently you don't see this box on your iPad. There was a message from this former friend from last October. She said she lost touch and over time forgot my last name. She saw something about the balloon festival in Statesville and the reporter's last name was McKinney (not sure who that was...but interesting. Especially since I had nothing to do with ballooning when I knew her.) She said the name clicked. She found my Facebook account and sent this message. She wanted to pay back the $300. She asked for my address.

Yes, it was a shock. A good one. Will I get it back? I hope so. It's not the money that matters the most to me....it's the fact that she really didn't forget. That she has made some effort to do it. That it stayed in some part of her brain for over 20 years and on some level she cares about it all.

The old quote from Hamlet says "neither a borrower or a lender be" and I think there is some wisdom in that. I think instead we should be givers. Scripture tells us to give hilariously....and I think I have mentioned in a past blog that I love that concept. We should give until we're so overcome with laughter at our own outrageousness that we are gasping to breathe. But you know, even then I think we need to engage our mind. At least some of us do....those who are capable or led that way. Perhaps others should give just as they feel, but that has never seemed right for me. I think we need to plant in good soil. Pay attention to where the seed is going. We need to give certain people a hand up. But I think part of giving hilariously is not to be so concerned about what happens with it when it leaves our hand. To sometimes throw it in the air with abandon and see where it falls. There are lessons to be learned from watching the results, certainly. I have made bad decisions in the past and learned from them. But we can't get too hung up on making these mistakes....we learn and carry on. And regardless, we don't let bitterness in. It's only money....much less valuable than peace of mind.

But there is one more thing. The most important point here, I think. Don't end a story before its time. It may not be over yet. When we think we have it all figured out, God surprises us. I thought my friend didn't care to remember, but somewhere deep in her heart she did. It's difficult to track someone down after 20 years to pay an old debt. But she has. She showed me by her message that she remembered some if the good parts of our friendship...that she still had the memories. I'm glad. I don't ever expect my friends to be perfect, but when I see them doing the right thing? I can't help but be proud. Regardless of how long it takes. My heart is touched....and I am glad my version of the story wasn't entirely correct. This version makes me smile....and cry.

Paying Backward

"The man who never has money enough to pay his debts has too much of something else.” -James Lendall Basford

“Many delight more in giving of presents than in paying their debts.” -Sir Philip Sidney

"Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be." - David Bly

“He looks the whole world in the face for he owes not any man.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There was a guy that lived in the apartment complex that my parents own and that my sister manages. He moved out, owing quite a bit of rent money. Not an uncommon thing in today's world, unfortunately. My sister has seen this happen time and time again, and you become a bit cynical about people after a while. You never see them again, or the money they owe you. They don't look back. They don't see the impact they make on those who do not get the money they are due. They don't realize that businesses go under every day because of people like them. They don't see the other people they leave in their wake, struggling to pay their bills and feed their children. They don't see the senior citizens who have to cut back because funds are tight. They don't see the cynicism they breed in this world, because of what they do. Or maybe they do see it all, and figure misery loves company. Maybe they don't care. But most likely they just keep the blinders on because ignorance is bliss.

But this story is a bit different. This man is different. Years later he gave my sister a call. He wanted to make sure he knew exactly what he owed. He then came back, his sons in tow, and paid it all back. He made good on his commitment.

At the time he originally left, this guy's life was spinning out of control a bit. His girlfriend was pregnant, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that. He wasn't sure he was ready for responsibility of adulthood. He tried to leave it behind. But at some point he decided that was not the kind of man he wanted to be. He became a husband and a father. He decided that he was going to try to be the best he could at both. He wanted to raise sons who were responsible, so he knew he had to show them responsibility. Part of that was righting his wrongs. He made a plan to do that. He told my sister she was the last person he had to pay back. I believe she said it was ten years after he had moved out. He didn't pay the money back either in secret or in a big display of "how great I am" fanfare. He did it humbly, quietly, in person, facing his past head on. And he did it in front of his sons.

We've gotten things jumbled up in our world today. We're spinners. The story most people believe is thought to be truth. Perception is everything. We don't want to scratch below the surface and find out that the hunk of gold we possess is actually a rock covered by cheap gold paint. We just cart it around and shout "Hey, look what I've got!" As long as people believe it is gold, it is gold. They'll write stories about it in the paper, more evidence of its truth. We not only fool others, we often convince ourselves. We believe in the facade, instead of the truth that lies beneath.

Forgiveness has also become skewed. We think that because we are forgiven, there is no more responsibility. Example bankruptcy. Our courts say you can wipe out your debt, and go on. In theory it makes sense. People get overwhelmed. They get further and further into debt because they become hopeless. The goal of bankruptcy was to free them from the constant call of their debtors, take the burden and stress off of them, and allow them to begin again. Supposedly with a new attitude of financial responsibility.

But how many people really reformed after a bankruptcy and how many of their debtors suffered in the process? How have their debts impacted our world as a whole? What is the domino effect? How many other individuals suffered to make life easier for this one individual? How often was it appreciated? How often did the person erase the debt in their own mind, with no thought of ever paying it back? Since the court said they didn't have to pay it back, it no longer existed.

We're in a season right now where many people expect to create debt. They almost celebrate it. "Yes, we'll be paying for this for years, but we're worth it." "How could we not give our precious children as much as their friends? They deserve it!" "Everyone goes into debt! It's part of Christmas!"

Oh, how I love Christmas glitz! I love the lights, love the decorations, love Santa, love the faces of children as they experience the magic, love the family pictures and the Christmas letters (really, I do!) But Christmas isn't about the glitz. It's all about the gift, the baby. It's about new beginnings. It's about forgiveness. It's about second chances, or third, or hundreds. It's about us, just as we are, loved and worth sacrifice. It's about freedom. But freedom that leads us to truth, not to further carnage.

That dad would have been loved and respected by his kids whether he paid his debts or not. Kids grade on a curve. He could have hidden everything from them, said the money side of things had nothing to do with them. He could have forgotten that part of his life and moved on, vowing to not make the same mistakes. But he knew on some level his kids would sense the inconsistency. He didn't want to teach them that. He wanted a be a good dad. He wanted to be a good man. He wanted to be someone trustworthy in all things.

I'd like to issue a Christmas challenge. Be like this guy. Be different. Be responsible. Be humble. Be thoughtful. The greatest gift you can give your children, the greatest gift you can give anyone, is to be authentic. To live truth. To do what you say you're going to do. To pay what you owe. To live within your means. To treat others well. To make a plan and fulfill your responsibilities, however long it takes. That's what is going to make a true impact. Be the gift . Make a merry Christmas with what you've got today, not borrowing from the future. It is enough. You are enough. Really....it's not about the money. Unless it is other people's money that you are holding onto......or let slip from your hands. Shock a few people. Instead of paying forward, maybe you first need to pay backward. The story of Christmas? That baby was born in a manger to take you out of bondage. Tell the story in how you live.

What I Learned In Police School

My class and instructors. In the spirit of the school, picture from Jennifer Cowan.
Used without permission.

OK, maybe I am the only one who calls it police school. The Statesville Police Department and others call it the Citizen's Academy. We met for ten Tuesday nights (or rather nine Tuesdays and one Thursday makeup) and were taught by some of the top officers in the Statesville Police Department. We also spent four hours in dispatch (some of us a couple of hours longer, because we are people who need closure...and we enjoyed it), and another four hours riding around with a police officer (most of us with young officers.) We spent a lot of time talking about the different areas of police work and why they do what they do. It was fun and it was interesting and we had some good conversation.

This was going to be a very different blog before the Ferguson decision. As I have been watching news coverage, it is through the eyes of what I recently learned and it crystallized some of what I have been thinking about. Justice is complicated. And as those who know me personally can guess, what I learned is not necessarily what was taught.

Our Statesville police officers don't all believe the same thing. They often have similar views overall, but their opinions can vary on some things. I loved that some would discuss it openly, not in a way that was disrespectful to the department, but as family who discuss these things amongst themselves often and can agree to disagree. And learn from each other in the process. All seemed to be respectful...of each other, of citizens, and of authority. Healthy debate....good food for thought.

I was impressed with the way they described how police work has changed over the years. The goal is for safety....how do they best keep our citizens safe? It is not always going after everyone breaking the law, heading out on a high speed chase. It is not always writing a ticket, not always about making an arrest. It's not about being the biggest and baddest and the one who has the power to throw their weight around the most. It is being a presence, being alert to what it going on, paying attention to the safety of the city. Their best police weapons are their communication skills and their judgment. There are supposedly no ticket quotas...in fact, there seemed to be a bit of disdain for the cop who writes tickets whenever possible (though support of the right to do so.) Some officers enjoy writing them more than others. Some probably have personal quotas. Tickets and arrests are a reality of the system and sometimes necessary to get to a point of justice. Just a hint., though...tickets and arrests happen more often when you are belligerent and disrespectful, or challenge their authority. I shouldn't have to tell you that, but some have not learned that lesson.

We had a whole session about the use of force, when it was appropriate, when it wasn't. All in all, you can't get around the fact that it is all based on human judgment. The instructor said something like this "You have to feel that you are in danger, but how do you judge this?" He did an exercise when he was approaching me....and told me to tell him when it started to feel intimidated. That point of intimidation varies for all. And we talked about someone holding a gun....at what point does it become a threat? When you see the gun? When their arm starts to rise? When they shoot you dead?

He talked about situations where he as a veteran cop may view the danger very differently than a rookie. He talked about teaching young cops how to make good judgments in those situations, but also admitted that it is almost impossible to teach judgment. Some never learn this well....and so the decisions of how even a veteran can handle a particular situation will vary greatly.

We experienced those judgment calls ourselves when we went through a simulation during our last class. They are full size videos, and you are in the midst of them, your laser gun in hand and ready to go. (I understand the officers have their guns holstered when they do theirs.) The officer running the simulation can change things based on your actions and reactions, or even at his will. The first situation I faced was a lady angry after I stopped her in a traffic stop. She got out of the car and was belligerent. She reached back into her car and I paused. Surely she was just reaching for her license (though I had asked her to get on the ground and had not asked for her license.) She pulled out a gun, and at the same time a guy in the passenger seat also got out of the car and started shooting at me. I hesitated with her until I saw her gun, and didn't even notice her companion. Yep, I would have been dead. It does make a person think!

The officers told us about a real life situation in SC that was similar. It was a routine traffic stop where the guy reached into his car. The officer shot him, as his raised arm came out of the car, holding his wallet. The officer had asked for his license, but evidently got skittish when the man reached into his car. The whole thing was captured on the police cam video. The officer did not follow proper procedure, but something had scared him and made him react. Your license should be in your pants pocket, right? The officer asked for the license and the guy was just getting it, right? Assumptions on either, or both, sides can be wrong. My guess is that the officer's mind will play that mental tape over and over in his mind for the rest of his life. Why did he shoot him? Was his fear justified? We can look at it and say no justification indeed, but if that was us...what would we do? (This just happened in September, so is still unresolved. The good news is the guy that was shot several times lived.)

When doing my ride-along, I watched a gentleman get arrested for assault on his fiancee's son. He was 28, the son 17. He was black, the son white. The man allegedly threw the son out of their apartment, after the kid got in an argument with his brother and then with his mother (when she tried to take his cell phone away as punishment.) He left a mark around the area of the kid's neck. The man arrested was unfailingly polite to the officer. The officer was the same to him. I felt sympathy for both. And I also felt sympathy for the child, who I had seen looking weepy and defeated when he told the officer about it in the parking lot when we arrived. Not sure whose side I was on, to be honest. Teenaged boys can be horrid. Disciplining teenagers can get out of hand. Disciplining other people's kids is even harder. You can go "too far", but what is too far? Marks on the neck did seem like a justification for arrest. Truthfully, though, I felt like telling the guy arrested "Get out....you're only 28. You're not ready to be dealing with this drama." But that drama is the everyday life of many relationships and the subject of many of the calls the police answer.

The looters and arsonists and those perpetuating violence in Ferguson were caught up in the drama of life, too. For those who have no understanding, and wonder why innocent business owners were seemingly targeted, I will say that rage is blind. And anger is fear disguised. And testosterone and hormones can get the best of us when our emotions are thrown into the mix. And people live different lives. And when you think the world is against you, sometimes you react against the world. You don't notice, or at the moment care, who you are striking out towards. Not to say there should not be consequences to those who commit crimes, because I do believe in that, but there are usually reasons for what people do. They said on the news that most out on the street were young. Everything seems more vivid and critical when you're young and it is easy to get caught up in the feelings of the moment. A young man was killed. He had allegedly committed a crime. It appears there could have been a struggle between him and the officer. "You shouldn't have done it!" Easy to say to both of them in retrospect and when you were not in their shoes. I am sure both would have done things differently if life gave us the opportunity for instant replays. That is the tragedy.

When it gets down to it, police officers are human. The "criminals" and "victims" they deal with are also human. Our communities, they are made up of people who are human. Humans do unbelievably heroic things. We also do unbelievably stupid things.  We think we would do something a certain way, but when in midst of a tense situation we react differently than we ever would have believed. Still, we need to try to be prepared to deal with these things as best we can. What do we learn from Ferguson? There are layers, and all of us need to examine ourselves and our fears and our systems and learn from them all. What if your son was the one shot? What if the officer that shot him was your best friend? What if your 19-year old was in a rage after hearing this verdict about the one who killed their friend, and you couldn't stop them from leaving your home and heading to the streets? What if you were a business owner whose property was destroyed, over a cause that you were never publicly involved in? What if you were a policeman in the area, knowing what could happen in your town once that verdict was announced and your job required you be in the middle of whatever happened....wearing your uniform, part of the system being judged.

Tragedies happen, but we can't just close our eyes and think they don't impact us. Ferguson affects us all. We're not where we need to be yet. Law enforcement personnel are not respected. Racism still exists. People on all sides of the spectrum are battered and bruised and scarred and often have lost the art of good communication. We are frustrated and we stuff it...until we can't any more. We explode and implode. We get to the place where there only seem to be victims....or where everyone seems to be guilty. Or we feel we grasp it all and understand exactly how it should be. But you probably don't.

Like I said before, justice is complicated. With human beings so prominent in the equation, we can't have a perfect system. Where do we draw lines? When do we err on the side of justice and when do we err on the side of mercy? One thing I believe....we need to care about the system all the time, not just when the system is under media glare. We should keep it on our radar, not only being its watchdogs, but as those who require the system do its job, keep us safe and respect our property. We should report crime, testify when we see it, press charges when they are needed, serve on jury duty when called. We have responsibility as citizens to know what's going on with our law enforcement system, our justice system,  and in our community. The police can't do it without us. Together we are a powerful force to be reckoned with. We can make this world safer. That's what I learned in police school.

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Grateful

"Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."

John Wooden

"Pride slays thanksgiving, but a humble mind is the soil out of which thanks naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves."
Henry Ward Beecher

"When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?"
Gilbert E. Chesterton

 

 

When I am at my most whiny, and finally reach a point of self-awareness, usually I realize something about me. I am self-centered. When I am self-centered, I am petulant. When I am petulant, other people have a more difficult time meeting my expectations. When people have a harder time meeting my expectations, they disappoint me. When people disappoint me, I whine. And so it goes!

It's not just you I do this with. I do it with God. Oh yes, I know...."how could you, you dirty rotten Christian?" It's quite easy. It's a relationship, like my other relationships. None of my feelings are necessarily based on truth, or on inadequacies in others, or me being right. It's where I go. It's what I do. It's part of my pattern. It's one way I sin.

We've all got a pattern that takes us in a wrong direction. Yours may be different than mine. Yours may look a lot cooler. It may not be something that anyone else knows. But it is your dirty little secret that separates you from God. Chances are, it is something that simply puts you first and God a distant second. Chances are it is a reflection of your own self-centeredness.

When we think a bit too much of ourselves, it is difficult to be grateful. It is difficult to say thank you and really mean it. We'll be polite....and say it. But is it by rote instead of by truth?

I hate being told what to do. Even something that seems as benign as being thankful. Sometimes I just don't feel it. Sometimes I roll my eyes at the glowing words of "things I am thankful for" because I know some of the backstories. I know that some who speak the words the longest and the loudest, are not living lives that appear to reflect gratitude for what they have. They treat these people and things they say they are most thankful for with dismissal. Yeah, it's not just "them." It's me.

I also know some who seem to have a pretty rotten lot in life. Sick and battered bodies, loves lost, contentious people to deal with, money that won't stretch to meet needs, unmet expectations, unrealized dreams. How can they be thankful for that? But oh, as I have seen with so many lately, they can be and are! It's a beautiful thing.

Regardless of our circumstance, regardless of how we feel, we should "do" thanksgiving. We should make it a physical act, a mental exercise. We need to take inventory of those things that are important to us and see if we're living lives where we're grateful for those things. It's easy for our lives to become unbalanced. Sometimes we don't spend our time with those who we say are most important to us, sometimes we don't live the values we say we hold for our lives. Sometimes we don't recognize the gifts of our life. Sometimes we see nothing except ourselves. When we just see ourselves, it's difficult to be thankful for the other things. It's difficult for us to really enjoy our life.

Thanksgiving by its nature should carry a bit of humility. Being thankful requires we look beyond ourselves. It also requires we look at ourselves for what we really are. Imperfect. Not deserving of the great things that permeate our lives. Not deserving of the other imperfect people who love us, even imperfectly. The stuff. The jobs, even when they are "work". The opportunities. The freedom. The wealth.

Being thankful requires we look just at ourselves, and not weigh our bounty against the bounty of others. Because really....how can we be thankful when we are busy measuring? Impossible multi-tasking (even for us women.)

At this time of year when we hear a lot about thankfulness, it's OK to roll your eyes on occasion. (Yep, that's just me giving myself permission because it is bound to happen.) But as we start a "thankful list", know it will be long. For all of us. More than we need. Most of what we want. But the list only has significance if we live it. If we are grateful for it. Grateful enough that we change our lives. That we love people actively. That we use our stuff and share our stuff. That we realize that whatever our circumstance God has given us exceedingly, abundantly more than we deserve. (I just love those words.) If you don't see it that way, you're not really thankful.

Our whiny selves don't have much of a reason to whine. Because we are the recipients of a graciousness that is amazing. Life. Our world. Our God. Our gifts. Not given out in order of the best of us, or the worst. Just because. We don't have to be deserving, but to really appreciate what we have we do need to be grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving. May you be more than content with your lot. May you be aware of it and grateful for it. Enjoy celebrating the bounty that is yours.

Oh Getting Picked Last

I was scarred in elementary school. I think many of us were. There you are, six years old and feeling pretty good about yourself and you go to school. I have no clue when picking teams at recess started, but I believe it may have been that year. It really doesn't matter when. At some point during those early school years I remember first feeling that panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when teams were being picked and my name wasn't called. Little did I know that that feeling would follow me far into adulthood.

I've got a relatively healthy self esteem. Most days I like me. I like that I'm a woman of opinions and convictions. I believe we have a responsibility to not just float through life. I like that I usually live my life consistent with my beliefs. I'm OK with most of the choices I've made in life. Oh, not all....not even close. I'm not someone who will tell you that I wouldn't change a thing if I were given the chance, because "then I wouldn't be the person I am today." Pshhhh! No....there is much I would change. I'd like to be a different person, an even better person. I'd like to have been more adventurous...to not have played it so safe. I'd like to be less petty, less envious, less sensitive to the opinions of others. A better champion for others. More sensitive to feelings....or rather more active upon my sensitivities. I'd like to be even more reactive to the God-breath that blows through me. Too often I don't let it carry me. I hold myself back.

But that "pitty" feeling. Or maybe I should call it that pity feeling. Because really, isn't that what it is? A dose of self pity? Instead of having the esteem of a child of God, letting perfectly flawed people ruin it for us? Instead of going through life in an uninhibited dance, we instead get weighted down by the opinions of others. Or instead of feeling like a masterpiece of the Creator, we feel like....less!

We're imperfect. So are the others around us. Sometimes I feel shut out, but sometimes I get a glimpse of how I shut other people out. How I don't notice them because I am too wrapped up in me. I need to stop the focus on me and make it about someone else. Because really.....if the focus is not on us that feeling in the pit of our stomach seems to mysteriously stay away. At least in my case it does.

I'm an introvert who loves people. I'm someone who loves community. But I think sometimes I naturally put up barriers that isolate me. I think sometimes I still wait to get picked for a team....and walk away if it doesn't seem to be happening. That's no one else's fault, really. Who am I to think others are responsible for engaging me and planning my life? For some of us there is probably always going to be the natural fear of rejection when we try to engage with others. I have a few friends that seem to prefer to be the planners. When I have tried to initiate an activity, they aren't interested. When that happens several times, I tend to fade in the background. Is that wrong? I don't know.

We're in a world where a lot of people self-isolate. While a few may prefer it that way, I don't think most do. I think we want to belong, we want to be engaged. Is it technology that disconnects us? Sometimes, but I know at least for myself it can also be the thing that keeps me connected. Recently an online friend (who has never met me in person) sent me a message to check on me. It was a weekend where I was feeling especially cut off from the world, and it gave me a big boost. It made me connect to someone who noticed something a bit unusual from my norm.....all the way in a different country! 

But technology probably also shows us where our social life falls short. We see others doing all kinds of different things, and we think we're the only one at home on our couch. From my informal survey....no, we're not!

We're often too tired to plan (or is that just me?), too lazy to try to engage (even though technology makes that almost laughable), and I think we have just overall lost basic social skills and knowledge of hospitality. We tend to cling to the familiar and don't realize those that are dis-connected. We aren't on the lookout for those who also may be finding it difficult and we don't realize all of the folks who would love the pleasure of our company.

We also just misunderstand people. We're not as perceptive as we think. People often think I am a mad extrovert, just waiting for the next social event. They don't know the sometimes paralyzingly fear I face before I attend an event, and the high level of internal persuasion that goes on to make myself follow through when I say I will attend. Even when I know people who will be there and have a pretty good idea it will be OK. If not for a basic belief that it is rude to back out at the last minute, I would back out often! I will probably have figured out where all the points of exit are within three minutes of arriving....and I will admit that sometimes I have hidden out in my car for periods of time when I can't leave the event completely and there aren't enough "comfy" people around (those to whom an introvert can attach themselves to get through a social event.) I know I am not the only one who does these things (and a few other secrets I won't share)....but your secret is safe with me!

We live in a world where it is easy to get lost. I think it is easy to hide away. I don't think it is emotionally healthy. I had to laugh a bit at myself recently when I hadn't been around people for a few days and then was. Bless the hearts of those I was around...I talked a blue streak! Thankfully they were kind. Thankfully they were understanding. And thankfully I finally realized what I was doing and said "So, how are you?"....and listened to their answer.

The days of choosing teams should be over. But if for you it is not, give me the sign and I will pick you. And I will also give you a trophy for participation. There are times I don't believe that is lame at all!

Go Fish!

If you're looking to play a human version of "Go Fish", you probably should not invite me to play. You know the game. Instead of asking if they have any 3's, they say "I'm a nice person, right?" "I'm smarter than average, right?" "I'm way prettier than her, right?" "I'm the right one in this situation, right?" My answer will probably be "Wrong!" ...because Stuart Smalley is in the room and I really like to annoy him.

Don't remember Stuart Smalley? He was that annoying, but still somewhat lovable, Saturday Night Live character played to perfection by Al Franken. Stuart had self-esteem issues and was always trying to bolster himself by repeating a litany of personal affirmations. I loved him. And hated him. Probably because he reminded me of a part of me I really don't like. I won't like it in you, either, so I simply can't play along if you try to draw me into the game.
 

Many/most of us are insecure on some level. Truth is, we're not perfect and there are plenty of people around who want to remind us of that fact often.  Sometimes we obsess over this. Sometimes we play to the crowd. It often takes a long time for us to realize that we'll never get the approval of all. Some folks are quite stingy dishing it out. Some people don't want to celebrate the good things about you because they think it detracts from the greatness of them. Some just have negative eyes....they delight in what they see as the imperfections. They celebrate the perceived flaws of others. They bond with others of like minds and tear people down instead of building people up. Truly they are not the type of people who you want to please anyway. And then there are those that just have no clue you have an issue... you think they are putting you down and they really aren't paying any attention to you at all!

I guess I could answer those questions for you honestly, because normally they are true. But really, does it matter? Do I help you when I answer them? It really doesn't matter what the truthful answer to those questions are. Most are subjective and they may change with the situation. And you're not really fishing for a long analysis of yourself now, are you? You're simply fishing for compliments.

When we look at ourselves in the mirror, shouldn't we see the image of God? Isn't it the voice of Satan that hits the extremes.....that says "Hey you....you're not all that great!", or "Why aren't you....good enough?", or the other extreme "You are perfect just the way you are". The voice of God will say "Even though I know you inside and out, you are my precious ones" and "Come to me....just the way you are now. There is no need to hide. I know you and I still want a relationship with you."

Not much in this life requires that we be perfect. Often when we think it does, we not only waste a lot of energy but we don't fulfill our purpose. The truly amazing things in life are done by those who seem inadequate. Who don't seem to have what it takes. They are forced to look to God to get their power. And that is power that changes the world.

Don't waste precious minutes of life consumed by the opinions of others. You shouldn't feel inadequate in the company of people who love you...but when you do, is that feeling coming from you or from them? If it is them, find someone else to play with. But if it is coming from you....get over yourself!

So if asked to play the human game "Go Fish!", I am not your woman. It's not that I don't think you're amazing, but instead it is because I want you to be strong and real. You don't need meaningless flattery. You need friends who know who you are and love you anyway.....and don't engage in pointless questions that, if answered, need to be answered by you.

When it gets down to it, you're good enough and smart enough, and doggone it people like you! But get your focus off that. There are other fish you could catch that will actually provide nourishment.