Watching Mom Work

Our mom was in nursing school in Wales when she met our dad.  After four dates (at age 19 I believe it was) she quit school, moved to the US, and married him.  Yes, that is a bit surprising and she would have been horrified if one of her own children had done the same.  But that proved to be a really great decision.  (My guess is that she was driven by a premonition that she was going to get me as a daughter.)  Her destiny was to be a wife, a mother, a grandmother, and a great-grandmother.  And a nurse.

Where Mom worked...and birthed 4 children!

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Though she left nursing school behind back then, Mom's interest in medicine didn't stop.  When she had jobs, they were working for doctors and at the hospital.  We all had nurse's kits and doctors kits when we were growing up and spent our childhoods giving "shots" to each other.  (We were never good at "Operation" though.  That wrenched ankle was a bear to get out!)

Finally, though, she decided to go back to nursing school.  No small feat....all five of us kids had been born by that time and because she was always a very involved parent, it added a lot on top to an already heavy load.  But she did it.

Her nursing career was definitely an interesting one.  After graduation, she started work at Iredell Memorial Hospital.  Have you noticed the nurses in hospitals?  Bed after bed of patients, all needing care, and never enough time to do it all. She would run her feet off for those shifts.  It's often a thankless job.  The doctors often get the accolades and the credit for the healing, but often it wouldn't have happened without an alert nurse on the scene.

For years she worked in home health.  She made her way all around Iredell County as a home health nurse, getting to know all of the roads in the remotest areas of the county.  Often having no idea what she would find as she went into a household.  She encountered people who were rude and made her job more difficult.  She went to homes that didn't have indoor plumbing.  She cared for AIDS patients when little was known about the disease, but when people who had it were often treated as less than human.  Ignorance abound and many in the medical profession would even refuse to treat people with AIDS.  But that was not how she lived her life.  They were sick, they needed care, and she was a nurse.  It was her job to take care of them and do it with compassion.   With courage.  Because it was the right thing to do.

She was the first nursing coordinator for Hospice in Iredell County.   More is known about hospice these days, but that was the early years when it was still a strange concept here.  For those who are unclear, the patients that are referred to Hospice are those thought to be at the end of their life.  Their needs are not only physical, but also emotional.  While we have a wonderful hospice house in our county now, back then all care was given at home.  Needs of these families do not happen on a schedule. Often she got called out in the middle of the night or on the weekend, and often calls came at inopportune times. For example, one Christmas morning when my dad's family was coming over for lunch.  My dad is one of ten children, so these family gatherings were huge.  My mom got a call that morning that one of her patients was not doing well.  She had to go.  His wife was scared and didn't know what to do and needed support.  We all knew that was the priority...and we all had to spring into action to do the things that she would have done.  There were mounds of potatoes that needed to be peeled, last minute cleaning to do and all of the last minute details to pull it all together.  Mom had given us a quick list as she was walking out the door of what needed to be done to get things ready.  She went to comfort and care for a family whose Christmas Day was full of sickness and sadness.  It was another example of her teaching us what is "urgent" and what is "important."  We knew she had a higher calling that morning and as her family we had to support her.

Mom's also worked as a chemo nurse.  Another place of both hope and sadness.  For nurses a place of great stress.  Compounding those chemo drugs required great knowledge and great accuracy.  I know that used to always worry her, but she worked laboriously at the math skills it required, checked and double checked and made sure it was all just right.  It also requires a lot of sticking veins with needles, often when veins are difficult to find and hit just right.  But she was really good at that and could find and hit a vein where others couldn't.  It required cheerleading when patients were down, but also when things were going well.  She always was trying to think about how she could make that whole experience better for her patients.

Of course, I have firsthand knowledge of the kind of nurse my mom was.  She nursed all of us when we were sick and there is no one better.  She knows when you need her, and when you just need time alone.  When we were young and very sick, we got comic books and got to drink soda (a rarity in our Kool Aid and milk household.)  If she thought we were faking to get out of school, she very compassionately said that it sounded like we needed extra rest, so we should just stay in bed all day.  Which in the days of no TVs in your bedroom, meant a day laying in bed doing nothing.  If we were really sick, we were willing to do just that (though generally she would let us off the hook and let us lay on the couch with a blanket and watch tv when she decided we were not faking.)  Truth was we often had a miracle recovery.

You can seldom go anywhere with my mom without at least one person coming up to her and thanking her for what she did for them when she was their nurse, or more often thanking her for how much her caring for their loved ones was appreciated by their family.  Sometimes she doesn't remember the family member, but she almost always remembers her patient.  But should she not, it would not be surprising.  She cared for many, many people during her career.

(L to R) My sister-in-law Beth, my brother Scott, Mom and Dad

This week my brother Scott graduated from nursing school.  During the pinning ceremony, he was pinned with the same pin our mother was pinned with when she graduated from nursing school when he was still in elementary school.  He has inherited her compassion, and has been taught how to share it, and will be a wonderful nurse.  I suspect he says she is his greatest teacher, and he has learned from the best. We learn from how our parents live their everyday lives before us.  They don't always even realize they are teaching.  But they are...even in the attitude they show while doing their job (be it a good attitude or a bad attitude.)  While Mom said she wasn't sure she wanted us to go into nursing because it was such a difficult profession, the truth is that she showed us that it is among the noblest.  I know she is proud of Scott's decision...and the work ethic he displayed in preparing for it when he was in school.  We are all a bit in awe of nurses and are glad he is turning into part superhero. (And OK...I admit it.....I am also a nurse's biggest critic if I don't see them with the same kind of attitude and energy and kindness and empathy that my Mom had when she was working.  My standards and expectations for them are high.)

Happy Mother's Day Mom!  Thank you for teaching us compassion and that all the people around us are worthy of care.....even when they are sick and unpleasant and everyone else avoids them.  Regardless of their religion, disease, lifestyle or the color of their skin.  Thank you for working hard and tirelessly and being dependable as you did it.  Without even realizing it, as we saw you work, you taught us how to love people as God does. That was a seed that continues to grow and will change the world for generations to come.

The Girl of the Meadow and the Lady of the Freshly Cut Grass

"Every tree and plant in the meadow seemed to be dancing, those which average eyes would see as fixed and still." - Jalal ad-Din Rumi

"A lawn is nature under totalitarian rule". - Michael Pollan

I push mow my grass.  For several reasons.  One reason is that heretofore I have been too cheap to buy a riding mower.  To tell you the truth I have never even ridden a riding mower, so there is probably also a bit of intimidation there.  Mostly, though, decided that I am healthy enough to push mow it, I get exercise when I do, and when I bought it (right after I purchased my house), it seemed the best decision for my budget.  But I had no clue my yard was as large as it is until I mowed it for the first time.  It seems never ending.  Mowing is a fairly big project...it takes over two hours.  Time that is precious to me.  Also, I am allergic to almost everything outdoors....including grass.  Often after mowing I end up with headaches or wheezing or just generally feeling bad.  I don't usually hate mowing, but it gets to be a burden.  One that never seems to end.

I live in a neighborhood full of beautiful lawns.  Most of my neighbors really care about how their yard looks, and invest much time and money to see that it is looking its best.  I have a feeling I am their nightmare.  I don't feel the same passion.  Often the only reason my yard gets mowed is that I don't want to be a bad neighbor.  Grass that gets a bit high doesn't bother me nearly as much as I suspect it bothers them.

My lawn is also full of what others would call weeds.  That doesn't bother me, either.  The neighbors, who try to keep their grass weed free, probably scowl at the idea of the seeds and spores my plants send through the neighborhood.  The weeds seem much sturdier than my grass, and stay greener longer.  They also create beautiful flowers all over my lawn...which make me hurt a bit every time I mow them down.  Yesterday I actually felt a bit of pain as I mowed over a dandelion, whose head was perfect for making a wish before I blew it away.  Does the same concept work when it is mowed down?  Will the wish come true?  I don't think so....I believe the wishes only come true if the fluff dances in the breeze.

Was talking to a guy last year that is an admitted yard snob.  He can poetically describe the perfect way to prune the branches of a tree.  Really, he could talk about it for hours...if the person he is talking to has a longer attention span and a bit more interest than me!  He meticulously prunes everything in his yard, and it totally delights and satisfies him.  It was the time to mow my lawn for the first time of the year and while I knew to stay in the good graces of the neighbors I had to do it, I hated the idea of losing all of the beautiful flowers that were sprinkled around.  I tried to describe it all to my friend.  He finally hesitated a bit and said "Your neighbors think you have a lawn, but in your eyes you have a meadow."

He totally captured the truth of it all....the internal struggle I feel.  While I do love the way my yard looks  with freshly cut grass (especially at this time of year when my mulch has been refreshed, my branches pruned and my azaleas and my tulips are in full bloom), I most treasure the meadow.  The wildness of the paintbox of nature, splashed around here and hither.  The mature part of me knows that I must mow on a regular basis, but the girl inside would rather take off my shoes, walk in the too tall grass, and pick flowers.  While others may not see the beauty in its meadow state, to me that is when there is the most beauty to be seen.

Some of us are people of  the freshly cut grass....respectable and doing what we should.  Pristine among the unmowed lawns and taunting them a bit in our perfection.  Crisp in our knowledge that we are right and proper...well, because that mental picture of the "perfect lawn" that is in our head is what everyone has told us should be right and proper.

Others are the people of the meadow, living life a bit less perfectly, a bit more at random.  Covered with what we think are flowers, but what others see as weeds.  Growing with abandon, and often beauty, though sometimes the place that snakes and the rats hide.

Then at times we are simply the uncut grass, a bit too full of ourselves, and getting on the nerves of the neighbors (who know it is a personal attack against them and their property values.)  Not fitting in with the other lawns, but not caring. Sometimes caring, but living as the grass of someone who has much going on in their life that takes priority over their mowing the grass.  Or owned by someone who has never been told what a "proper" lawn should be and how an "improper" lawn will impact the neighborhood.  So at times annoying by nature, and at others misunderstood.

I don't think I paid much attention to lawns before I became a homeowner.  Now they seem to consume a lot of my thoughts during the spring and summer months and frankly I would prefer those thoughts be out of my head.  I'm actually the person that doesn't mind a drought... doesn't mind if the grass dies.  It gives me less to be concerned with.  I seem to find out more every year about the expectations that some seem to have as to what constitutes an acceptable lawn.  I still find it all a bit overwhelming.

The day may come when I buy a riding mower.  It will allow me to mow over the meadow a bit quicker.  In fact, it may put me up a bit higher from it where I don't even notice what is going on below me. But if I do buy one, I hope I keep the push mower and sometimes keep it in use.  I hope sometimes I continue to refuse to mow an area because I can't stand the idea of mowing down the beautiful flowers.  While as a responsible adult I often have to be the lady of freshly cut grass, underneath it all will always be the spirit of the girl of the meadow.  With apologies to the neighbors!

Making the Pieces of the Puzzle Fit

This month is National Autism Awareness Month.   This I know because my friend Jeanne, who has a son with autism, has done a really good job promoting it.  Jeanne's like that....she often uses her life to help people and with a son that has autism, she has an incredible passion to help people understand it.  From the first time I met her, she talked openly about it.  She views it in a way that is very balanced....both the joys he brings to her life, and the difficulty it is sometimes to be his parent.  That difficulty is not usually because of him...or not much more than the tremendous difficulty it is to parent any child.  Like most good parents she sees her child's positives and negatives, parents him keeping these things in mind, and loves him for the total picture.  But it's the other people who sometimes are, well, jerks.  People who should know better.  Not just other kids.  Adults.  Teachers, even.  Strangers.  They make comments.  They ignore.  They don't see the wonderful person that is there, but instead just see someone different. And they don't appreciate different.  They see disability instead of possibility.

Sometimes I get a bit tired of cutesy inspirational sayings on Facebook.  Most of you probably already knew that.  Yes, I am an admitted eyeroller (my face hasn't frozen like that yet, Mom!) and there are days when the 15 inspirational quotes you have put up there drive me crazy.  For those that sometimes read my blog, you know I use quotes a lot.  I love quotes.  I love to be inspired.  But after a while too many in a row start to make me a bit crazy.  The inspiration starts to get a bit old.  OK, maybe it is more me getting jaded.  I only can act on so much inspiration at one time.  And yes....some of you are just hokey!!!!

But I have loved the quotes that Jeanne has posted this month.  She hasn't been excessive....she has only posted a few.  But the ones she has posted have been really great. In doing it, she has explained, she has proclaimed and she has educated.  Not in a way that is over-emotional, but one that really does some good.  It makes us all think and consider and celebrate.  So in case you missed them, I am going to share them with you.


I am fortunate to know several people with autism, at all levels of the spectrum.  The joy they have brought to my life is incredible.  You may know them too, and you may not have identified exactly what makes them different.  Sometimes it is difficult to see.  Sometimes it is difficult to diagnose.  But diagnosis is a good thing.  It helps you understand them a bit better.  It helps them understand themselves a bit better.  And it reminds us of the richness that people with autism bring to the world.  One of the greatest skills to gain to cope in life is to understand ourselves a bit better.  To know that our brain functions a bit different than others.....it's good to know.  And truthfully....don't all of our brains function a bit differently anyway?  (Maybe it's just mine!)

So anyway, this month learn something new about autism.  Autism Society Homepage  OK....I am not going to trust you to do that on your own.  I know how some of you won't hit a link!  Let me share some things straight from the autism website. 

"Know the Signs: Early Identification Can Change Lives

Autism is treatable. Children do not "outgrow" autism, but studies show that early diagnosis and intervention lead to significantly improved outcomes. 

Here are some signs to look for in the children in your life:

• Lack of or delay in spoken language
• Repetitive use of language and/or motor mannerisms (e.g., hand-flapping, twirling objects)
• Little or no eye contact
• Lack of interest in peer relationships
• Lack of spontaneous or make-believe play
• Persistent fixation on parts of objects" 

 
And now a bit about the higher functioning end of the autism spectrum, Asperger's. 

"Children with autism are frequently seen as aloof and uninterested in others. This is not the case with Asperger's Disorder. Individuals with Asperger's Disorder usually want to fit in and have interaction with others; they simply don't know how to do it. They may be socially awkward, not understanding of conventional social rules, or show a lack of empathy. They may have limited eye contact, seem to be unengaged in a conversation, and not understand the use of gestures.
Interests in a particular subject may border on the obsessive. Children with Asperger's Disorder frequently like to collect categories of things, such as rocks or bottle caps. They may be proficient in knowing categories of information, such as baseball statistics or Latin names of flowers. While they may have good rote memory skills, they have difficulty with abstract concepts.
One of the major differences between Asperger's Disorder and autism is that, by definition, there is no speech delay in Asperger's. In fact, children with Asperger's Disorder frequently have good language skills; they simply use language in different ways. Speech patterns may be unusual, lack inflection or have a rhythmic nature, or it may be formal, but too loud or high pitched. Children with Asperger's Disorder may not understand the subtleties of language, such as irony and humor, or they may not understand the give-and-take nature of a conversation."

I want kids with autism to be diagnosed sooner.  I want them to grow up understanding a bit of what is going on with their bodies.  I want parents and medical professionals and teachers to get them early intervention so that they can get treatment that will help them avoid some of the struggles other kids have gone through. I want parents to get help and support and understanding.  I want the kids to get support too....I don't want them growing up thinking they are weird and that something is wrong with them.  I want them to know that they are special.  (And OK...probably weird, too.  Aren't kids supposed to be?)  I want schools equipped with people who know how to help these kids develop skills that just may not come naturally to them.

We're all created different.  There is really no normal.  And if there was, who wants to be that way?  We have a lovely, vibrant colorful world filled with all kinds of people whose brains and bodies function in all different kinds of ways.  Autistic kids bring a richness to our world.  They are beautiful and funny and creative and smart and loving and imperfectly perfect, just like the rest of us.  So don't turn your head.  Don't treat it as something shameful.  Get in there and get to know about it....get to know the people behind the label.  Look in the mirror and see how like you they are.  And smile.  And celebrate.  Because them, you, me....we're all fearfully and wonderfully made and created in the very image of God.  Important pieces of the puzzle, each of us.  And that is good. 

The Finish Line

"We can't accommodate terrorism. When someone uses the slaughter of innocent people to advance a so-called political cause, at that point the political cause becomes immoral and unjust and they should be eliminated from any serious discussion, any serious debate." - Rudolph Giuliani, CNN interview, Sep. 11, 2002

 “Peace is not the product of a victory or a command. It has no finishing line, no final deadline, no fixed definition of achievement. Peace is a never-ending process, the work of many decisions.”  - Oscar Hammerstein II

"Fighting terrorism is like being a goalkeeper. You can make a hundred brilliant saves but the only shot that people remember is the one that gets past you." -  Paul Wilkinson, London Daily Telegraph, Sep. 1, 1992

 

Like most people, I was horrified when I heard about the explosions at the Boston marathon this afternoon.  Having just run my first 10k a little over a week ago, the feeling of crossing that finish line is fresh in my mind.  It was fun and exhilarating and happy.  

And that was not the Boston marathon finish line....the finish line for the most well known foot race in the world.  A race you are only allowed to run if you are good enough.....if you meet the required time in another marathon.  A race people work for years to qualify for.  But they finally qualify....and then they train some more.  The day comes, the excitement is in the air.  The race starts!  These victors run their hearts out and reach the finish line after passing crowds all along the route, cheering them on. It is an event that brings out the best in people.....both in the their athletic ability and in their support of their fellow man.  It celebrates life.  It celebrates humanity.  It celebrates the victor and the one who makes an attempt.  It celebrates the accomplishments of strangers of all ages, all nationalities.  It bonds these strangers and makes them of one accord.  It's a thing of beauty.

Today evidently someone tried to tamper with that.  They perverted a time that should be about triumph and turned it into pain.  They have taken life and health randomly and carelessly.  What is their purpose?  When did this purpose stall their heart and their humanity?  Why did they feel this was a solution?

I don't understand, but I know that people who do these things, who hate themselves and others, are not always strangers.  Often they are people who look like us, speak like us, and are us.  At some point something goes wrong.  They/we lose touch with reality.  Their personal pain overcomes their sanity.  

How do we change this?   How do we bring peace to our world?  How do we get these acts of terror to stop, not just in our country but around the world?

I believe in the power of the love of God, working through mankind.  I believe in peace, I believe in kindness, I believe in a brotherhood that reaches beyond the borders or states and countries.  I also believe in the need for more education about stress and fear and mental health, more resources for people to get help, and less stigma for those who do.  I believe that hate can start in a single heart and spread across the world, but that also love can do the same.    

I remember when my older sister learned a song when she was in elementary school and taught it to me as we were laying in bed at night.  Sometimes I think we forget the simplicity and truth found in these lyrics.  Are our lives teaching peace....or hate and violence?  We need to look in the mirror.

"Let there be peace on earth
And let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth
The peace that was meant to be.

With God as our father
Brothers all are we.
Let me walk with my brother
In perfect harmony.

Let peace begin with me
Let this be the moment now.
With every step I take
Let this be my solemn vow.

To take each moment
And live each moment
With peace eternally.
Let there be peace on earth,
And let it begin with me."


- Jill Jackson/Mark Miller

  

Going the Distance and Winning the Race

I can't really tell you why I agreed to run a 10k.  I know it happened after a few of my girlfriends had just finished doing our first mud run in Atlanta (a 5k) and we were all in pretty high spirits from that.  Prior to the mud run I had just finished the Couch to 5k program, and sometimes could run 30 minutes straight, but not all the time.  (My body does nothing consistently!)  That was huge for me.  It wasn't long ago that running a minute and a half at one time was a major feat.  Being able to run a mile at one time took me far longer than I would like to admit.  More than a year.  Maybe close to two.  But the second timeI tried the Couch to 5k program worked.  The first time I decided it was too hard and stopped.  But the second time I did it, my friend Patsy told me that I didn't have to do it in the nine weeks it sets out.  She said to do it as slowly as I needed to.  That took the pressure off.  If I was having problems with a week, I needed to repeat it until I could do it.  I repeated a week early on....I had trouble doing three five minute runs in one session.  That was the only week I had to repeat.....and the other weeks were much harder.  There is no accounting for it, other than I believe that progressing at running is about 75% mental!  That may be under-estimating.

So by the time I returned from Atlanta, I think I had agreed I would run this 10 k in Charleston.  Over a bridge.  I am phobic about bridges.  Yeah, I can't explain why I agreed to this.  For some reason it sounded like it would be fun.  The only explanation I can think of, is that it is the company I was keeping.  They lead me to crazy.

In preparation, I began the Bridge to 10 k program at the first of the year (the program's name is coincidental...the bridge is from the Couch to 5k program to a 10k program.  Still, it is fun that it fit my situation so well!  In my case it was Bridge to 10k over a Bridge.)  I never finished the program.  Especially the last month it was tough to find the time and when I did, I just wasn't feeling great about my running.  I never thought I would not finish the distance.....I knew I could walk it....but the idea of running the whole thing started to seem less likely.  I decided I didn't care.  And during the program I ran as many as 53 minutes straight.  Unbelievable for me!  And though my first 10k is over, I won't put it on the shelf.  I will still use that program to help me progress.  I plan to finish it.

So last weekend, it was time to run the Cooper River Bridge.  I didn't run it all, but that is OK.  I ran a lot of it.  The crowds intimidated me.  They also interested me....my ADD mind was in overdrive as it tried to process all of the people around me.  There were bands along the route that I passed in a blur.  It was odd...you could only hear them for a few minutes as you passed by.  It was almost like you were fast forwarding a video tape.  There were crazy costumes and interesting people to see.  Some people kept re-appearing.  You would pass them, they would pass you, then you would pass them again.

Then, about 4.5 miles in, my ankle started hurting.  I rarely get injured, so this annoyed me beyond reason.  I don't appreciate it when my body betrays me...especially for no reason (I didn't trip, turn it or otherwise do anything that would seem to make it happen.)  I hobbled for a while, but then tried to run again. It didn't hurt any worse, so I was able to run to the finish line.  It helped that at the last part of the race there were people cheering, cameras that would forever capture my image if I were walking, and the hope of the finish line.

I am rather confident at this point that I will never love running.  As I talk to people who run a lot, though, I find I am in the majority.  That gives me hope that love it or not, I can keep doing it!  My friend Joanie tells me she feels the same way....and she has done a half marathon, is training for her second, and appears to do it all effortlessly in comparison to me.  We were in conversation at breakfast when in Charleston last weekend and talked to a couple who also run.  They said the same thing. They don't love running either.  But the guy said he tracked his running and was surprised when the program told him he had run every week for 52 weeks straight.  Even on vacation....though when he thought about it he realized that all their vacations had been planned around a run.  That's what happens.  It sneaks up on you and you don't even realizing what you have accomplished until you start to think about how far you have come.  We all concluded is we all love the feeling of accomplishment when we have done it...particularly because it requires we conquer the hate and our mind telling us to stop  That is why we continue to run.

I've tried to describe what goes on in my mind to people and there are a couple of different dialogues, depending on the day.  Such as "I can't do this today.  Really.....I don't think I can even do a mile.  I have to do a mile!  OK....that is what I am going to try to do.  Just one mile.  After that I can turn around and walk home.  So OK.  I'll do it.  No, I can't do it.  I really hate this.  Shouldn't I have begun liking this by now? I may not even be able to do a mile."  Or "I can't do this today.  My breathing isn't right.  Why is it so loud?  Is there something wrong with me?  Maybe I should go see Judy (my nurse practitioner) and have her check me out.  Maybe I should just walk.  No....I am going to run just a bit more and see if it levels out."  Or "I can't do this.  I am not a runner.  Stop it....you are a liar.  You are running.  You are a runner.   No, I'm not.  It seems easy for everyone else.  It's not easy for me.  It's not natural.  I am not a runner.  I can walk.  I am a good walker.  Just not a runner.  Stop it....you are a liar.  You are running.  You are a runner." 

When I look at it logically, I know the truth.  I run, so I am a runner.  I will probably never be fast.  My time for the bridge run was 1:23:38.  Nothing to write home about.  But still...for me it's not bad.  I went from the start to the finish line.  While I did walk some, that actually added to the experience.  I was able to look around me and see some of the fun characters that were also running (though I missed the guy running in just Speedo running "shorts" and shoes that Joanie got to see pass by her.)   I was able to see the beautiful views from the bridge...and the bridge is so big it didn't scare me in the least to go over it.  Plus I was able to keep going though I felt pain in my ankle with every step (let me point out that I knew it wasn't a bad injury and I knew it was OK to keep going....I do listen to my body and think that is the most important thing to learn to do for any activity!)

31,449 people finished the Bridge Run this year.  One of those was me!  What was significant to me was not that I finished....I knew I could walk 6.2 miles.  What was significant to me was that I ran a good part of the way.  Slowly, carefully, a bit too tentatively, I think.  I know I could do it faster and run more than I did, but it really doesn't matter.  I enjoyed the experience and didn't spend that time sitting on the couch.  That is why I believe I won.  While I am never quite sure how I get myself into doing these things, I am glad I do.  It's a definite celebration of life and health and a bonding with humanity.  I can do it.  So can you.   Set a goal, and give it a try.  It doesn't have to be a run.  Try something you don't think you can do and then keep at it.  You will surprise yourself and learn some great life lessons.  And add a great chapter to the book of your life.

My Blog Anniversary....and He Is Risen, Indeed!

It's been a year since I started writing this blog.  I began not knowing exactly where I was headed....or how committed to it I was going to be...or even having any idea of how to write a blog at all!  I have a problem with self-discipline when it comes to writing (why I hadn't really written much of anything since college) and wondered if I could do it. But friends had been encouraging and I decided to try.  My goal was to share what I was thinking...to live out loud, was how I put it then.  I've thought about that commitment a lot and at times had to remind myself not to censor myself.  Sometimes I had to confess to things I would prefer to keep to myself.  But I think it is important that we share our lives with each other....and though hiding is easier, it keeps you from owning up to your personal truth and making changes.  I think there also comes a point where keeping things to yourself is selfishness....shouldn't we allow people to learn from our mistakes?  Shouldn't we humble ourselves on occasion?  I don't do it enough, but still....I try!

I don't really write this blog for others. I write for me....and use it as a way to articulate and manage my thoughts.  I need to do it whether anyone ever reads it or not.  Still, it is fun to hear someone has read it and appreciated it.  People I never imagined reading my blog have brought it up out of the blue, and shared their thoughts about it.  That has shocked and delighted me.  Some people have talked about it with their friends or family, or even shared one that is particularly meaningful to them on their Facebook page, and that has touched me each time. It's a cool thing to think you provoked thoughts and discussion.

But don't worry...I am retaining my humility.  Some of the people who love me best have never read it at all. I was a bit sensitive about that at first, but have learned to simply be amused by it.  Most don't because they use their phone more than their computer and it's just too difficult to read by phone.  And I do tend to be a bit long winded.  And I do not keep my opinions to myself, so those close to me have heard enough of them. It's particularly funny when someone else brings it up in front of one of these people.  They always look a bit perplexed like they are  thinking "What's a blog?" or say "I've been meaning to read that."  To my knowledge most still haven't!

Sometimes I have given opinions knowing people I cared about would disagree with them.  Since I have a diverse group of friends and family, it would be impossible not to so that doesn't concern me much.  Most people never tell me when they disagree with me, of course, this being the nature of most Southerners.  I actually wouldn't mind a bit more discussion coming back my way, since I am interested in what other people think.  I don't have the power to change your mind....you control that.  But in case you were wondered whether you disagreeing with me would set me on edge, the answer is no.  I don't change my mind purely because someone tells me how I should think or feel or be... and I don't expect you to either.  But I do change my mind because I hear a point of view that resonates and inspires and helps me see something from a different angle I hadn't considered before.  In fact I change my mind often....and plan to continue doing it for the rest of my life.  It's a lazy mind that doesn't change, I think, and my mind is one part of me I don't want to be lazy!

A few people have told me that something I have written has made them think about an issue differently.  I really didn't want to write about Amendment 1 when it was up for a vote in NC, but finally felt that I had a different viewpoint than I had seen and it would be wrong if I didn't write about it.  It's interesting....more people have read that blog than any other one I wrote.  It could be because I called out my dear friend Al Godley in it (which I admit, maybe I shouldn't have done.....though I did it knowing Al would not be bothered by it, and also be somewhat proud of getting a rise out of me.  And I was right....that was one of my blogs that Al shared on his Facebook page.  Al is somewhat unusual in his perspective and that is one of the reasons I have loved him for so long.  He has the gift of provoking.  Which can be good and bad...but is always interesting!) 

My hope is that the reason that is the most read entry is it is because people aren't as closed minded about issues as it sometimes appears they are....and they are willing to consider thoughts that aren't quite as black and white as their own on an issue.  I'm not overly optimistic that is the case, but I hope so!

I like that another of my most popular blogs was about the Ku Klux Klan rally in Harmony.  I am passionately opposed to racism, and while I have no clue as to what side of the fence those who read it stand on, I hope it caused anyone who judges people by their outer shell to think.  My prayers are for those who judge people by the color of their skin and not, as Martin Luther King so eloquently put it, by the content of their character.  I know God, who created all of these wonderful colors and shades, hates that they hate this glorious rainbow of creation in His image, and often do it in His name. 

(Note:  You can see the "most read" entries on the sidebar of my blog page.  Some of those are my favorites, too, so it is fun when I hear someone enjoys one of them.)

It has been a good year for me in many ways, a sad and frustrating year in others.  Besides my first blog entry, that discusses the death of one of our beloved balloon pilots, I have written blogs following the death of two other friends this year.  In case you wondered, writing about someone who you will not see again on this earth is a definite way to work through your grief.  You end up celebrating their life more than mourning their death....and when it gets down to it, isn't the most significant thing that they lived and we were blessed to know them?

I did skydive in 2012, as I had said I wanted to in my first blog, with the big encouragement and great teaching of my friends Damien and Amanda.  Damien somehow got me to agree to a static line jump instead of my goal of a tandem. He was right.  I did want to fly more than I wanted to ride a roller coaster.  When it got down to it, scared is scared, so why not try to go beyond your own comprehension?   Amanda gave me the confidence to think I could actually do it.  For both Damien and I, I think this jump was a tribute to his dad.  I still think Ed would enjoy that I went where I never, ever expected to go and that his son was the one to push me into it. I hope to continue to bust my own ideas of who I am and who I can be.  When you are trying to do this, you need good friends to encourage you.  I have a fortune in these type of friends.  Scares me to think of what they will come up with next...but I am probably game!

And speaking of those kinds of friends, my friends Joanie and Patsy have been big encouragers to me in my quest to get in better shape by running.  What fun they were to have at my side when I did my first mud run.  We laughed and laughed and simply had a blast together.  We have plans to do several more fun races this year...my first 10 k over the Cooper River Bridge in Charleston next weekend, a Zombie Run, the vibrant and colorful glow-in-the-dark Electric Run, and another mud run.  If it is fun, you almost forget your body can't do it!  My niece Spenser and friend Mandy are doing the Transformation Nation Triad program at the Y with me, under the tutelage of our awesome trainer Casey.  The encouragement and the laughter continues.  I remember every week how far away from being in the kind of shape I want to be in that I am, but also I realize how very far I have come! 

Since my faith is the center of my life, you hear a lot about that in my blog.  Once again, I hope I live it out loud.....the struggles, the frustrations, the joys, the triumphs, the nuggets I find in scripture, the moments where I see God at work, the times I take the time to pray and remember to look for answers and celebrate when I get them.  There's no such thing as a "good Christian"...it's against our nature.  We are perfected as we stand behind Christ and the cross, but ourselves.....we remain big fat sinners.  I probably should be more ashamed of that than I am....but the fact remains that God uses big fat sinners to do big fat world changing things.  I want to be like David or maybe Isaiah....in spite of myself jumping up and down saying "Lord, pick me!"

When I realized my blog anniversary was Easter, I realized the personal significance.  I serve a God that is alive.  He wants my life to be the same....and as active as I may appear, that will always be my struggle.  Sometimes I just seem to go through the motions and forget to really live life well.  I don't really want to waste a minute of the possibilities.....but know often it requires work and the desire to move when I would rather waste my time away!

In that first blog I included these verses from Ecclesiates 3:
"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. 
I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race.  
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart;
yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.  That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God."

If I read these verses and say "This is life", I think I can say that most days this year I did live.  As I look down the list, I experienced everything in these verses.  But I still have work to do.  I am still not where I want to be or should be.  But I am confident that God is alive and vital and perfect.  He is risen, indeed.  As for me me, as I begin another year of blog writing, I will continue to rise up and to fall down....and hopefully I will share openly as I do so.  I will eat, drink, and work and seek satisfaction in all three.  I will make every effort to realize that this life is a gift.  To be opened and examined and enjoyed and used.

If you are reading this, thank you for listening to my thoughts.  My prayer for us all is that all that is imperfect within us will be reborn, and a new being will arise daily.  That we will find the truth that makes sense of it all.  That we will live with all of the power and freedom and purpose that God has given us and that we will love God and this life with a strong passion.  That we will be purposeful.  That in spite of the dirt, in spite of the sweat, in spite of the tears, in spite of the obstacles, in spite of the pain, in spite of the criticisms....we will not give up.  That we will allow ourselves to be changed and used.  And while it may not always be smooth sailing, that we will realize we are not the captain, but just a grateful passenger privileged to be along for the glorious ride.

Perception And Truth - Not the Same Thing

"The world is not fair, and often fools, cowards, liars and the selfish hide in high places."  Bryant H. McGill

“All things are subject to interpretation. Whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.”  Friedrich Nietzsche 

“There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love."  Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Have you ever been hurt and the place tries to heal a bit, and you just pull the scar off of it over and over again?"  Rosa Parks


Recently I said to someone "Perception is everything".... and at the time it seemed to be.  Not only that, it seemed stronger than the truth. But that statement has sort of haunted me.  As I have continued to think about it, I have remembered that no matter what the cliche, perception is usually not the truth.  While perception has certain implications and consequences, and can seem to be the last word on a particular subject, it is usually not truth's equal.  I personally value truth much higher. 

I tend to forget sometimes that the opinions of others don't matter.  OK, I tend to forget it a lot. And in the context of our day to day life, unfortunately they seem to.  Lately I had that circumstance come up that happens to us all....someone said something about me that wasn't true.  That in itself wasn't what hurt the most.  What really hurt was that people who I felt knew that it wasn't true did not defend me.  They just let the statement stand.  People who did not know me took it as fact.  In the context of life and the context of time, it will not matter.  But for that moment  it stung and was devastating.

So my reaction?  I got defensive.  I sometimes feel that I live with a defensive shield in my right hand at all times.  That's what I lead with.  Almost always.  When someone says things to me that hurt, or do things to me that hurt, I pull up that shield and try to hide behind it.  I'm not very fast.....usually the me behind that shield is injured.  But perhaps my "opponent" doesn't see.  That is my hope.

Lately I feel especially gouged.  I have had to have that shield up often.  I dodge to the right, I dodge to the left.  My soul cries out in frustration. I try to cling to God, but sometimes feel my arms aren't long enough to reach.  And they aren't.  (And if they were, there would be amazing players in my way, playing the world's best defense, still keeping me at bay.)

But instead.....this I know.  God's arms are long enough to reach me and he just knocks those defensive players down.  His arms can find me and comfort me.  They can lead me.  They can protect me.  While I am inadequate, God is not.  He is sufficient.  He has every day of my life planned, every hair on my head numbered (this is not as difficult as it used to be before the days of peri-menopause, but that is a subject for another day.  It once was a feat beyond imagination.)  To him I have value and purpose.

In this situation I felt like God said "Wait on me."  Not my favorite command.  I want to do something.  I want to fight injustice.  And while that defensive posture was my first strike, and I had a whole battle plan set to go, God said no.  He reminded me that sometimes I need to do nothing but pray and watch and trust Him to work.  And while I was in the right about that particular thing, He showed me other areas of my life that I needed to work on instead.  He reminded me that I was not so great, but still He sees me as totally amazing and worthwhile. (But obviously not perfect!)  So I tried to leave it alone and invested my time in these other things that needed work.

Today, out of the blue, I had my first answer to that prayer.  God went beyond my expectations and showed me some of His protection.  It is encouraging.  It is humbling.  And the story is not over yet.

Other people will impact my life.  People will lie.  People will hurt me.  People will look at me and see something that is not there.....or they will look at me and see only the negative things that make up who I am.

They won't see the love of God that covers those things, they won't see the good in me or the growth in me, how far I have come, and how far I can possibly go. But as for me, I need to make sure that I am living in truth, that I am looking at myself in truth, and I am looking to God to define truth.  I believe that there are natural consequences for our actions, both good and bad.  And I believe truth eventually rises to the surface.  Everything else will sink.

Perception is nothing, really.  It is formed on the basis of rumors, innuendo, boredom, entertainment, misplaced power, someone having a bad day, someone having a bad life, anger, suspicion, people getting defensive, someone passing the buck, people being too lazy to seek truth....so many things.  Sometimes that perception seems bigger than we are.  And it can definitely impact our lives.  We can only do so much to fight it.  We need to leave it to God.   As for ourselves, we need to keep looking in an unwarped mirror and deal with what we see.   We need to make sure that we are living truthfully, and that we are the kind of people that God likes.  And that we are not the kind of people who are impacting the lives of others with mere perceptions, not backed up by truth.

"There are six or seven kinds of people the Lord doesn't like:  Those who are too proud or tell lies or murder, those who make evil plans or are quick to do wrong, those who tell lies in court or stir up trouble in a family."   Proverbs 6:16-19

Being Bound By the Bills

“Seven Deadly Sins -
Wealth without work
Pleasure without conscience
Science without humanity
Knowledge without character
Politics without principle
Commerce without morality
Worship without sacrifice.”  - Mahatma Gandhi 

"Wouldst thou shut up the avenues of ill, pay every debt as if God wrote the bill.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson 

“Debts and lies are generally mixed together.” - Francois Rabelais 

“There are but two ways of paying debt: Increase of industry in raising income, increase of thrift in laying out.” - -Thomas Carlyle 

When I was in college, I bounced a check.  Once.  That was the only time.  The bank fees that were incurred because I was irresponsible....they embarrassed me.....and I learned my lesson.  There was no reason for it....it was carelessness on my part.  My parents were paying for most of my college education and the rule was when my bank account balance went down beyond a certain level I was supposed to tell them so they could replenish it.  I was very cautious with my money, because even though they never ever complained about it, I knew they were making sacrifices for my future.  But I just wasn't paying attention.  And those bank fees....they were money they should not have had to pay.  I knew I was the one in the wrong.

My parents were always cautious about debt, and taught us to be the same.  If we couldn't afford it, we didn't get it.  If there was something we needed that we did not have the money for, other things needed to be sacrificed.   There was not an unlimited supply of money, and good decisions had to be made as to what was necessary and what was luxury.  I think the definitions of "necessity" and "luxury" have changed over the years.

I only had a small student loan in college, but it took years to pay off.  Years when I wasn't making much money, so it was often a big frustration to figure out how to pay my bills.  I dealt with a car that broke down constantly, and a paycheck that just didn't stretch very far, and often money was a stress.  I had to go to my parents for money on more than one occasion.  Sometimes they gave me money, sometimes it was a loan.  When it was a loan, it was expected I pay it back.  And I did.  I was an adult....it was time to make my own way in life. Thankfully a lot of my friends were in the same state....we found cheap entertainment, shared our stuff, and all worked to spend as little money as possible.  We learned to live within our means.  Today most of us are in pretty good financial shape, because we sacrificed then to plan for a better future.

As soon as I was able, I got out of debt completely.  The credit cards, the student loans....they were all paid off.  What freedom that was!  I made a vow that the only debt I would incur would be for a house or a car or medical bills.  So far I have stuck to that. To buy or not to buy?  If there is not enough money in the bank account after my current obligations, it is not even a consideration.  Vacations?  Though there is nothing I love more, if I can't pay for it before booking, I can't go.  The coolest car, the coolest clothes, the coolest anything....if I cannot afford it, it will not be mine.  If money gets tight, I cut back.  What is a necessity in my life and what is a luxury?  I carefully consider.  We screw that question up very, very often.  Food, shelter, clothing....those are really all of our needs. But even amongst those things, there is a limit as to when it is a necessity and when it is a luxury.

I am shocked that many people don't understand that when they carry a balance on their credit card, they are renting money.  They look at their minimum payment each month....not at what they are really paying for the item.  So...the average US credit card debt is $7,117 (they include everyone in that figure....even people like me with a zero balance.)  Of those who carry a balance, the average is $15,257.  (Source - http://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/credit-card-data/average-credit-card-debt-household)  So, using the average of $7,117 with a 17% interest rate and a minimum payment of interest +1% of balance, it will take that person 306 months to get rid of that debt.  That is 25 1/2 years...and that is if they don't add to the balance (and how many have that restraint?) By the end of those years, they would have paid $9,523 in interest alone.....more than their original debt.  A total of $16,640.  Was that new living room furniture and big screen tv worth it?  (Note:  I used the bankrate.com debt calculator for this projection.) 

When you borrow (or rent) money, people own a piece of your future.  When you don't pay it back, you have stolen from them.  Yep....even if because of bankruptcy and the courts say you don't have to pay it back, even if the one who lent it doesn't bring up the subject or says it is OK, or even if they are someone who loves you is the one who loaned it to you...you need to pay it back! You have still taken something that wasn't yours.  If you are of good character, shouldn't it matter to you that you are not living up to your obligations?  That you are not the one taking responsibility for your decisions? 

As of March 3 our National Debt is $16,698,235,596.55.  That equates to $53,091.61 per citizen.  (http://www.brillig.com/debt_clock)  As you can imagine, this sickens me.  Our country is a world leader....but how long will that last if we continue to spend like this?  We are so very cocky.  Our creditors are other countries... like I said a few minutes ago, they own a piece of our future.  Our ability to act as a truly free country is somewhat hampered....because we owe them!

I am a believer in caring for our people, but it should be based on whether we have the money to pay for it.  There are so many things that our government pays for that are not necessities, but are instead luxuries.  So much they give away free, when they could require some sort of service for it.  So much they pay for which they could get better prices or they could get someone to volunteer to do it for free. Until our debt is paid off, our government needs to budget.  They need to only pay for those things they can afford, and only at the standard that the budget permits.  We need a budget that is based on what they will receive in taxes, but there also needs to be extra economizing so that we can pay off this debt.  The attitudes of our government officials these days (both Democrats and Republicans) are too often both pompous and thoughtless and weak.... they need to be responsible and creative and strong. 

I love the quote by Thomas Carlyle shown above.  We can only get out of debt two ways.  By working harder (or inheritance or spending the money of others...but let's not go there), or being more thrifty in how we live our lives.  For individuals I think that means being willing to work second jobs (which is definitely difficult in this economy, but from all of the industrious people I know that have two or even three jobs....very possible.)  Sometimes it means finding a job that pays more, that may not be as convenient to your life, or taking a job that you feel is "beneath" you.  I have heard people refuse jobs because "I am better than that!"  No...if that is the only job you can get at the moment, you really aren't!

The other means of getting out of debt is that you have to economize...yes, you princes and princesses...or you, USA!  You shouldn't take advantage of those who have worked hard for what they have and expect them to pay the way for you.  If you are a grownup, your spending or standard of life should not be more than the amount of money you have earned.  Is cable tv a necessity or a luxury?  Is internet service a necessity or a luxury?  Is going out to eat a necessity or a luxury?  Are new clothes a necessity or a luxury?  We have so much luxury in our lives, that sometimes we fail to identify it as such and redefine it as a "need."  So very few things actually are.  The choices you make....you should bear the consequences for them.

We need to apply the same standards for our country.  They either need to increase taxes, or economize.  I don't know about you, but I see much waste in our government and have heard about much more.  Much can be cut out of the budget.  Many dollars that are wasted with no accountability.  No one seems to notice.  People turn a blind eye or say "That's the way it is."  But if I notice and I hear things....I don't buy that those in the thick of it can't do something about it.  There is a lack of concern for spending taxpayer money, and often those who work for the government forget they are a servant of the people.  They forget those extras or things that are not a need take money out of the pocket of their fellow citizens.  Many are not good stewards of our tax dollars.  There is more of a spending game going on (where they see how much they can get) than a team of people who are working together to protect the money of our people.  We are a world leader....are we acting like it in our spending?

We've become such a people of entitlement.  We think the world owes us everything, and we shouldn't have to work or economize.  We can't pay our bills, but we still keep spending.  Both our country and its citizens. We can make some wonderful excuses for why we do this....but you can't kid a kidder.  There are very few valid reasons for debt.

Last week I paid off my car loan.  It felt good.  It felt like I gained a bit more freedom.  And I did!  Debt binds us.  But I know that even when it seems impossible, debt can be paid off,.  As impossible as that massive national debt figure, it can be done.  It takes work, it takes cooperation, it takes honesty, it takes creativity, it takes hard work and it takes a plan.  But it can be done....I have seen people have massive debt (far more than years of their original income) and get out of it.  They worked hard at it and made it a priority in their lives.  They attacked the problem from all angles and accepted the consequences for their past actions.  They were responsible grownups.  You just can't ignore it.  Because unattended, it grows.  It does not go away.  

Money can free us....or it can burden us and make us slaves for life.  It really is our choice.  Are we spending like a millionaire, with a minimum wage paycheck?  Are we renting money for things that aren't really important?  Are we the arrogant prince, princess, government that thinks "I am special....I deserve it."?  Maybe it is time for a change.  I promise....you don't have to spend a lot to live an amazing life.  Those years I struggled, the debt did cause me stressful moments, but overall they were excellent and happy years.  I didn't have much, but I also worked to solve the problem instead of continuing to add to it.   In the long run if those who make our government's budget decisions "lived" within our means, our citizens would be happier, healthier, wealthier and wiser. And maybe once again we could be a free nation.  One whose people are engaged in our government and don't resent how yesterday and today's decisions are going to impact us all in the future.  One who is free from obligations to others because we finally decided not to spend more than we make.