The Nieces and Nephews Grow Up

With my nephew Brennan, prior to his wedding

I know people think it is easy to be a niece or nephew of mine, but let's face it....I quite often say what I think when I think it, and sometimes that can be quite annoying. I really try not to harp on such things, however, and I hope the adoration comes through stronger than any criticism. My hope is that they grow up understanding a bit about agape love, and in my bumbling and imperfect way I am one of their teachers. For those of you that aren't familiar with agape, that's the kind of love God shows. My personal translation for it is "I love you even though I know you." I'm not pretending that I know all of the facets of each of these interesting creatures who are my nieces and nephews, or that I always like all of the aspects that I do know, but still....I love them purely and devotedly.

My niece Maggie and nephews Brennan and John

As their aunt I have prayed their whole lives that they would grow up to be happy, kind, productive people who make good choices for themselves and build a good life. I cringe when they make poor decisions and I pray harder. Then I sit back and trust that God will continue to pursue them and they will listen to His voice. I will watch and see them changed. In the meantime, I love them completely as they are now.

My nieces Addison and Taylor

It's really not difficult. Each, for the balance, has always treated me with much love and respect. While at times I am certainly an indulgent aunt, I have demanded that respect over the years. The great thing about being an aunt is that I don't have to hang out with bratty children. OK, at times when I would babysit, it would not be an option to return them because of my commitment to their parents, but in Aunt Kim's world, fun and respect go hand in hand. It was my job to get that point across to them early....and they have all learned that lesson well.

When they hit a milestone in life, it excites me. I love seeing their lives progress. We saw a great milestone this weekend.....my nephew Brennan got married.

My sister Deryn, MOG

Brennan is the son of my beloved sister Deryn and my amazing brother-in-law Darrell. I've loved watching them raise their children. It was with a lot of love, firm discipline, and a ton of involvement from both of them. They partnered on the raising. Both were very hands on. My sister inherited our mother's eyes in the back of her head, but I think she took it to new levels. Spenser (their daughter) and Brennan couldn't do much that she didn't know about. Sometimes she told  them what she knew, sometimes she and Darrell would keep it to themselves and just watch for a while. Stealth parenting. It worked. Spenser and Brennan are productive citizens, capable of supporting themselves. They are kind and giving. I remember Deryn making me promise not to pay them for doing chores for me as they were growing up. "They need to learn that money is not tied to every job," she said "and you need to help your family." I don't think it is an accident that they are both hard workers, who are willing to help others.

BIL Darrell and his babies

Yesterday my nephew Brennan married Laura Sharpe. There was a display of pictures of the at the reception, showing them each growing up. They had many common experiences. They both come from similar types of families. Libby, Laura's mom, has raised Laura with many of the same values with which Brennan was raised. As Laura fit in with our family, Libby and her family did, too. It was a good melding.

Laura and two of her best role models

I love that Brennan picked a woman that is not only beautiful and sweet, but also spunky, smart, and self-confident. I think they will encourage each other to good things and they will change the world together better than they could on their own.

Laura and her grandmother in "their" wedding dress (center).
 

The wedding was beautiful and a true mix of tradition and a few modern twists. For example, Laura wore her grandmother's wedding dress, that she loved from the time she was a little girl. Her grandmother (an amazing seamstress), altered it for her, adding a few twists (like a flash of Laura's signature pink) that made it her own. Laura added her own hot pink stilettos. Her engagement ring was made from a diamond Laura's late daddy gave her mom, along with the pink sapphires from a pair of earrings Brennan had given Laura. Her something blue was a blue opal necklace, which had belonged to her paternal grandmother and was worn by Laura's mom Libby on her wedding day. Her something borrowed was a bracelet from my mom, Brennan's Nana. The sixpence in her shoe also was a nod to my mom's Welsh heritage.

My nephew Cross, the MOG's escort

Brennan carried a handkerchief carried by his dad on his wedding day, wore a tie pin from my dad (Grandpa McKinney) and carried Laura's dad's pocket watch.

The surviving grandparents (both are the maternal ones) represent over one hundred years of marriage. In a twist on the old ceremony, instead of giving away the bride, the pastor asked the grandparents' blessing on the marriage. This was the "we do" part of the wedding, and my 9-year old nephew Cross (who escorted in the mother-of-the-groom), joined the grandparents with a re-sounding "we do." I think perhaps he represented the other grandparents that were no longer with us, especially Brennan's much loved grandmother Novella Cass. It just didn't seem right that she was not around to share the day, but I suspect all of the loved ones were watching from the heavenly realms and joining in the blessings. (I had threatened to stand up at that point of the ceremony and lead another congregational blessing, tossing pink glitter everywhere. I didn't though....no time to get the glitter.)

As the bride comes down the aisle

And so vows were said, and the rain completely held off so that the reception could go on outside at Libby's house, and the atmosphere was relaxed and fun. Joy was in abundance. Somehow in Brennan's life I did not impart one lesson well.....I was a bit shocked and horrified (yeah, that is what you call "a gross exaggeration"!) they chose to delay a honeymoon and they will both be at work Monday morning at Lake Norman Pool & Spa. Because it is pool season, and they have responsibilities. They said "Later on, maybe we will go to the beach." Yep....one if those things Aunt Kim does not understand. But I love them even though they don't do it the way I would do it! And perhaps there is something to be said when a young couple starts marriage more excited about being together in the real day-to-day world, rather than prolonging the fantasy.

With my new niece

Since I didn't get to do my pink glitter blessing in the church, I will instead do it here. "Brennan and Laura, I pray that you will not only love each other, but that you will cherish each other. I pray that you will continue to hold dear family and tradition, but yet add your own twists along the way. I pray that you will be a joy to each other and to the world. I pray that you will be willing to do the hard things when they are the right things, that you will be willing to work hard for what you have, and that who you are when no one is looking is the same person as you are when visible to all. And through it all, may you see the hand of God extended, and not be afraid to grab it and hang on."

Niece Sara and husband Brian

Niece Rachel and husband Kevin

I wish the same for you, my other nieces and nephews.... and my godchildren, family, and friends (and any strangers who may read this.) May your relationships all be the kind that make you better than you would be by yourself. You are precious gifts, fearfully and wonderfully made. Don't ever forget what love really is.....and settle for less. Remember if these qualities are not in abundance and growing, it is not really love, but merely a cheap imitation. Learn to discern the difference. Work for agape love. Know it doesn't usually come naturally. It really requires going against our selfish natures. If you're noticing what your partner or spouse or friend or family member is doing wrong, more than you are noticing your own behavior in that relationship, you're probably not doing it well. But if you are willing to do the work, in the end, it is worth it. The result is a world of pink glitter floating down to cover you. Metaphorically speaking.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13: 4-7

But it took a lot of work!

When June Cleaver Is Not In The Building

I remember reading an article that said "No mother is June Cleaver". I think it was about the time "Roseanne" was on, and the point of the article was that more moms were like Roseanne. Other than the 50s formality and wardrobe, my mom was a bit closer to June. She was in charge, she was to be respected (not that she always was at first, but she always won in the end) and Mom usually knew best and modeled doing the right thing. I remember wondering whether it was I that was delusional or the writer of this article.  My thought was that while there were many kinds of mothers, there were more Junes in the mom world than Roseannes. At least that was what I had seen in my experience. Evidently the writer of the article's experience was different.

I think it was my first year following college when it actually dawned on me that the term "mother" had even more variety than I ever knew. All kids did not have moms who made them a priority, or cared about their character, or even thought about them much at all. Knowing what I know now, I am sure that I had encountered many of these people prior to that, but I had been oblivious. But working as a houseparent at a children's home at age 21, my eyes were really opened. Continued oblivion was not possible.

The life stories of some of these kids were evidence of a mother who did not meet the stereotype. There was the mom who sent her 12-year old son back from his weekend home visit with a supply of pot (we learned to search his things immediately after every visit.) There was the mother who was involved with someone in the mafia and left her son in the children's home so she could travel out of the country undercover with her boyfriend, who was constantly in danger (the kid, then 15, had seen his babysitter gunned down right in front of him when he was younger.) There were kids with parents who were so caught up in the drug lifestyle they barely noticed when their kids were taken away. There was the 15-year old boy who was in the home voluntarily, tired of his parent's fights. There were mothers who did not believe their daughters when they told them they were sexually abused, and so gave up the child and kept the abuser. There was the couple whose three children were taken away because they were seldom supervised (even though both parents and the bi-sexual mom's girlfriend lived in the home.) Their 8-year old son smoked, and the parents gave a "what can you do?" laugh when they were asked about it. 

I learned not to make assumptions about mothers. Not only about those with obvious parental infractions, but I learned even "nice people" could be pretty crummy mothers. I learned that often there was more below the surface that may not meet the eye.

When I look at my current circle of friends, it is staggering how many had moms who were not really capable of being there for them. One's mom left him when he was six months old. Several had mothers who were mentally ill. Some were left on their own growing up for long periods of time, essentially raising themselves. Some were abused, physically, sexually, mentally and verbally. Some had moms that were "religious", with reams of rules and little love and forgiveness. Some were pawned off on their grandparents or with other family members to raise because mom had to find herself.

At this time of Mother's Day, if you care about the hearts of people, stay alert. Be sensitive to the hearts and experiences of others. I have had a couple of people tell me it is their most hated day of the year. The first time I heard that I was shocked, but now after hearing it quite a few times, I am not anymore. Many skip church that day, just because it makes it even harder. I have learned sometimes Mother's Day reminds them they were short-changed in the mother department, sometimes it reminds them their mom is no longer with them, sometimes it is because their mom is sick with a disease like Alzheimer's and doesn't remember them, other times it is because their mother is mentally ill and still cruel to them. Sometimes it is because they desperately want to be a mother and are not, sometimes because they have outlived a child, other times because their children have problems that tear out their hearts, or because they have children who are out of communication with them. Some have had miscarriages, abortions, lost their children in custody cases, or put their children up for adoption. There is a lot going on inside the people around you, so don't assume it is a happy time for all. Know it can be a time of deep emotion.

I get a bit taken aback when someone wishes me a Happy Mother's Day. Evidently it is the new "Merry Christmas"....I have been wished it three times in the past 24 hours. I always just say "Thank you", but part of me feels the need to explain to them I am not a mother. Setting the record straight. It is uncomfortable. It makes me feel a bit like a mother imposter. It usually leads to a five minute dialogue....OK, monologue because it is just in my mind. What I "should" say, but don't say. "Thank you" is much easier. Sort of.

All mothers are not Roseanne or June. All women of a certain age are not mothers. All mothers are not nurturing, loving, kind or good role models. Sometimes women are mothers without children to hug. If you were gifted with a good mother, know you are fortunate. Don't take them for granted. Celebrate them. If you were blessed to be a mother, please love your children well. It's a job few are sufficiently prepared for, but one that usually grades on the curve. You know, even when I was working at the children's home where so many were shortchanged in the mom department, they craved love from their mother. The need for a mom's love is instinctive. Even the love of a bad mom.

Good mothers are to be celebrated, and so I am OK with the Hallmark day, although a part of me finds it to be unnecessary. Good mothers should be appreciated more than once a year and it shouldn't necessarily be on demand. You know how I hate celebrations "on demand".

I will even celebrate the bad mothers too, on this Hallmark day, because amazing human beings were created as a result of them enduring their pregnancy. (But still, I don't have to like or respect them.)

It doesn't take a good mother to raise an amazing human being, but it certainly helps. If you are raising a daughter, teach her how to be a good mother. She is watching you. Talk kindly to her, listen to her, parent her. You do that by rising above the reality. You do that by acting a bit like June Cleaver. You are the grownup, and your child should get a childhood. You are one of the architects of that childhood. Plan and execute a firm foundation. Make it beautiful and fill it with wonderful memories. 

If you have reason to hate Mother's Day, I hope this year you find comfort. I hope you find joy to eclipse your pain. I personally am glad you were born and hope you love and are loved. If you don't feel you are, call me. We can work on that.