This Fragile Life

We're doing it wrong. This I know.

The public suicides have depression in the news lately. It stuns us....then we forget. That's how most of us deal with pain. Which is OK and normal sometimes....but not in this case.

We've been putting a Bandaid on a open chest cavity.

Life brings stress. Good things happen, bad things happen. Nothing is happening at all. All can cause anxiety. 

Life can be good. Life can be bad. Life can be "fine". Depression can happen with all three.

People have more money than they can spend in a lifetime. People are drowning in debt. People are living paycheck to paycheck. People are financially secure. All can cause a mind to be in turmoil.

You can have a lot of people who love you. You can have a close circle of friends. You can have no one. You can be surrounded by others all the time, or be a loner. You can be the life of the party...or the person sitting at home in front of a TV set or a computer.  You can feel as though no one cares and that no one really knows you.

We ask people how they're doing, but never hear anything but fine. We aren't asking to learn the true answer. We ask because it is polite. Often if they would tell the truth we would cringe and change the subject. Or over-react and scare them. Often they tell us what they think we want to hear, because they have been taught fine is the only appropriate way to be....and that no one really cares about their answer.

If you have any interaction with people, you know someone suffering from anxiety or depression. It may be that thing in yourself that you haven't wanted to label, but the reason you do some of the things you do.

Our choice of treatment in America has been to medicate people. Sometimes that is a right and appropriate thing to do, but it should not be the only thing.

Those who don't feel they can express what is going on with themselves, and there are oh-so-many of these people, self-medicate. That's the real reason for the problems we have with alcoholism and other chemical dependency. That's the real reason we have problems with obesity. That's the reason so many people self-isolate and why others find themselves in inappropriate and wrong relationships. Maybe it is why you avoid the unpleasant and live a life you don't love.

We need to be honest. We need to talk about depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. Yes, some people don't understand. Some people can't understand. Some people refuse to understand. But we need to talk anyway. If people see the faces, and hear the stories of your heart, a new face will be put on a condition that is biological in nature. That is actually quite natural. That is universal. We all have a certain body chemistry that to some extent controls us. It does not always tell us the truth. Sometimes you need help to find a healthy way to keep it from disturbing your joy in life. Yes, medication is sometimes necessary. Self medication is seldom the answer. Get the help of someone who will walk though it with you. A medical professional you trust is a good place to start....but if they simply give you medication and send you on your way and believe that in itself is enough, know they may not understand it all themselves. There are other healthy ways you can learn to cope, with medication or not.

I lost two family members to suicide within six months. I have lost friends and acquaintances who I thought were coping with life well, and others who I knew were fragile. You leave behind people who hurt unbelievably for the rest of their lives.

You matter. This world needs you. Fight against the lies your body may be telling you, but don't fight alone. Form an army. Yes, it may take a while to find the right soldiers, but look for those who will have your back. I promise you they are out there.

I chose the picture at the top, the dandelion in its most fragile state, because I feel like that is us. All of us. At times we are fragile. We don't need a strong wind or someone blowing on us. We need someone who appreciates our beauty, just as we are.

If you feel you must be anonymous now, call a suicide prevention hotline (tel:1-800-273-8255). Tell your doctor, make an appointment with a counselor. (Many employers offer something called an EAP where you can get a certain number of free visits with a counselor. See if this is available to you.) Or call someone like me. I'll only judge you with pride for reaching out for help. I'll hold your hand. You're going to be alright....and live a life that may be bumpy, but can be very, very good. I promise.

We're doing it wrong. We're forgetting to teach healthy ways to deal with anxiety and depression, which we all will encounter in different measures. We're forgetting to look out for each other. We're forgetting that some of the outward behaviors and screw-ups of those around us happen because people are inappropriately trying to cope. We can get better at helping each other. I know it.

The Best Friend

Carole - senior year yearbook

"One thing I've learned is when you find a best friend in this life, you better hang on." - Jim Nabors

We were nine years old when we met. Fourth grade. Mrs. Summer's class at Wayside School. I was the "new girl", having just moved to a new neighborhood that summer. We lived around the block from each other, so we were on the same bus routes always. We were one bus stop apart. That meant we spent a lot of time sitting together, and talking our heads off.

We became best friends. We did everything together. We would be together all day at school (well, except those years they evilly separated us), ride the bus home, and then get home and call each other to talk about our day.

We were among the first students at East Iredell, in 5th grade, and would talk to each other under the cabinets. (It was a 'progressive" school....no walls. Let's just say there are walls now. Experiment unsuccessful.)

We'd ride bikes and go on long walks. We went to Vacation Bible School at each other's churches. 

We played Barbies. I won't tell you what age we were when we stopped doing this. We swore we would never tell anyone. I will keep that promise. 

The first slumber party I attended was at her house. We'd sleep on the sun porch, but "I dare you to..."  would have us sneaking into the house in the middle of the night. We did this well into high school. Now I know her parents probably heard the giggling and knew exactly what we were up to. 

Me - also senior year

Our parents dropped us off at the Playhouse Theater on Saturdays for the kiddie matinees. This was awesome fun and probably our first real taste of freedom. We'd see things like old Elvis Presley and Gidget movies. (These now seem a bit weird  to me for kiddie matinees. But we loved them.) The bats would fly overhead and our feet would stick to the floor. We laughed....but I still may have a fear of bats attacking my head. 

We could talk about everything forever. We were very different, but yet we always "got" each other. We still do. Even if we have gone years between visits.

We started high school together and the summer before the then-modest me stressed about high school PE. You had to take showers afterward.....that terrified me. Carole wasn't as scared as me. Of course, I got the female PE teacher who stood over the shower stalls with her clipboard and made sure students got naked. OK, she would say she made sure they practiced good hygiene and took a shower. Carole got the male PE teacher who didn't know whether they showered or not. We remained friends anyway. (Mass showering still icks me out.)

Most of our high school extra-curriculars were the same. We were in Model UN. Probably because we loved the teacher who started it and the others who were in it. We were in chorus freshman year and the school musical was Oklahoma. We were not cast in parts (didn't want to be), but loved singing in the chorus and doing our special dance number with four other girls. Yes, standards for dancers were not high. I had a purple covered basket that matched my dotted swiss dress. Carole's was another color. Maybe green? I don't remember. But we were spectacular. (So OK....we got through it without tripping and probably sang in tune. The families were not embarrassed.) But it was glorious fun.

We were allowed in a Bible study where we were the youngest members. Some had graduated from college. Carole's sister Angela invited us to be a part of it, I think. They were a great influence to me....and I suspect Carole. But even then we were confident in our beliefs and would join  the discussion as an equal. I believe that was one of the things that grounded us and showed us that we could have our own opinions and beliefs.

We had a great group of best friends in high school....our little crowd had half of us from East Itedell and half from Union Grove. We went to football games and cheered our hearts out. Maybe we lost a lot of games, but we thought we were great. We'd go to dinner at Darryl's in Winston or El Tio's for Mexican. We once almost drove into the pond at the Fiddler's Convention property. Yes, we were trespassing....but we had decided we would go to Union Grove so our friends didn't have to come to Statesville that night. You had to do something. Carole was driving. I was in the front seat. We were on an incline and saw nothing. The people in the back seat screamed and prevented us from going into the pond. Just barely. We laughed and laughed. 

We double dated to the junior prom. I refused to go my senior year.....and was solid in my stance until my friends came by McDonalds (where I was working) in their finery. I might have regretted not going then.

We went to a certain teacher's home in the middle of the night and put her Volkswagon in the front yard. I will never tell which teacher. She probably would be shocked to know. 😊😊😊

I got thrown out of study hall my senior year (for "corrupting freshman"....still rolling my eyes at Mr. Gainey.) I didn't want to take a study hall anyway...but had been forced to. I left as directed, and Carole and a few other friends got up and walked out with me. Greatest move ever for all of us. Some of our best memories from high school were made hiding from teachers for the rest of the year so we wouldn't be forced back to class. Mr. Gainey was overjoyed we were never caught and stayed out of his hair. The freshmen, though they stayed in class, remained corrupt. (Mom....I told you about this, didn't I? Oops!)

I remember after going to our ten year class reunion, which Carole was not able to attend, that I called her and said "Did you have fun in high school?" She said "Yes! We had so much fun! Why are you asking?" I said to her "Evidently we were the only ones." We laughed. I had talked to a lot of people at the reunion about "the good ole days" and found out that most of them hated high school. I had loved every minute and was totally oblivious to any angst with anyone else. Well, maybe I didn't love every minute....I was a teenager....but most of them. Carole and I still don't totally understand why others weren't having as much fun as we were. But even as adults make fun a priority in our lives. We are both easily amused. And I think we were probably a bit naive to "normal" teen pressures.

We don't always do a great job keeping in touch as adults. Carole found out that my dad had died the day before his memorial service. She's not on Facebook, and that was the only way I told anyone. Her mom saw his obituary in the newspaper and called to tell her. Though she had just started a new job, she asked off  of work so she could be there for me and my family.  It meant so much. But as she said "I just had to be there." I understand. I would do the same for her.

I have a great fortune in my best friend group (you know who you are, I hope)....amazing people collected from different parts and times of my life, who love me well, despite any faults or differences. I know people who say they only have one or two true friends. I have been blessed with more than that. Another from high school, several from college, some from those early 20s years, and those from my current Statesville and balllooning life. I don't take friendship lightly....and I hang on rather tightly. Or maybe loosely and just accept it as it comes.

Carole and I had lunch together yesterday. We hadn't had a good conversation in years. We sat for three hours over lunch, catching up and sharing where we were now in our life journeys and marveling at how similar our thoughts are, even though our paths have been so different. She told me that at some point she and her husband plan to move back to this area. It seems right. We'll pick up where we left off.

We forgot to take a picture, so I can't include one here. But in our eyes we are still those girls from high school, so I plucked those pictures from our high school year book. That's the thing about the best of friends....we see souls. In the eyes of a best friend, you don't change. You are a jewel. Your value only rises.

"A friend is one who overlooks your fence and admires the flowers in your garden." - Unknown

The List - Number One -Things I Dislike

There are those times that you have to make a list. Just to get your thoughts together. To clarify things  in your mind. Sometimes it is to remind youself what you believe, so you keep yourself more purely you. What we believe....we don't always do. Reminding ourselves of it...it's a good thing.

I'm feeling like it's one of those times for me. So here it is.....10 things I dislike. You are welcome to add your own. And yes...I have mentioned some of these before and will again. I am really a simple girl with a simple mind of only so much depth. Truly, though, I don't really dislike that about myself.

1. People who tell untruths. I could just say lies....and they are...but you know. I am talking about what some see as grey areas. Specifically those who compliment people about something and they don't mean it. They just want to bond and be thought of as nice. Of all the wonderful things they could say truthful, they pick something false. Because they are too lazy to say anything other than what is expected. Don't give false compliments. Find something true...and kind ...and say it.
2. People who throw trash out of car windows. Especially cigarette butts. Yep...this can cause road rage in me. I find myself speeding up to "catch" them....then realize I have no idea why. Perhaps a citizen's arrest. I watched too much Andy Griffith as a child and feel I have that right. Yeah....I quickly get smart again and slow down. But I'm glaring at you, horrible person.
3. Icebreakers. Yeah...I hate having to participate in them. Not many great words begin with K. And it falls in line with my introvert hatred of small talk.Let me have a real conversation and I will bond. But I hate "social on demand." 
4. People who do good works for their own self-interest. Let's take all the rewards out of it, and see who shows up. 
5. Dictators. You know....people who think leadership means they get to decide it all. Annoying. And yes, I have done it. I was wrong. Though my excuse was no one would make a decision. I probably should have worked a bit harder at that.
6. Not leaving things better than you found them. Places, jobs, relationships, life - don't walk away until you leave something good.
7. People who stay at home from a public event because "they weren't invited." Yes, most of us have done it. Hey you....you have the ability to invite others. And if one says no, keep going. Refuse to take it personally. Who wouldn't want to hang out with you? 
8. People who think "the good ole days" were perfect. Nope....imperfect people lived then, too. As Ecclesiastes says "There's nothing new under the sun."  We may recycle dumb things, and put a new spin on it, but don't act like these things were the first downfall of man. That happened a long time ago.
9. People who will not commit. I'll call my family out on this one as an example, (Because most don't read my blog.) Someome sends you a text to see if you are attending an event. The appropriate response is to reply. Yes, no, or maybe with an expiration date. I love you...but you make me crazy when you don't.
10. People who say we should never talk money, politics, or religion. Yeah, go ahead and live in your fantasy world...,but some of us think these are the most important topics in life. We care people live under crazy debt. We care that our political system divides us instead of unites us. And some of us think where you are spiritually is the heart of who you are. So not talk about these things? It may keep a few arguments at bay, but becoming Stepford people (for those confused, Google Stepford Wives) doesn't leave the world in a better world than they found it. They are not real people, Have the conversations...but with respect. And while there are times it is fine to make others uncomfortable with what we say, know when you're doing it to provoke instead to lovingly change minds.

Ten things are easy. It would easy to list more. But time to stop....for now.

A Picture of A Mom

I love this picture of my mom. It was taken a few weeks after my sister Dana was born. A couple of years before I came on the scene. I believe she looks especially cool. If I remember correctly she was  20 years old. (Dates....not my strong suit. Yeah, in any facet of the word.)

I think she rolls her eyes at me each time I bring it out and is less than amused when I put it on Facebook. But that's what happens when you create a child like me. They do things that are somewhat annoying over and over again. And enjoy it.

All moms aren't like my mom. It took me a while to understand that was a good thing. She paid attention to everything we said and did as we were growing up....and called us on it. Drove us crazy....and we drove her crazy. But now I know that others did not get that kind of attention....and they had to figure it all out on their own.

I have often had parents tell me that they trust their kids to make the right decision. My mom was invested in us making the right decisions....but always watched us for signs that we were headed down wrong roads. I'm a "prone to wander" type.  Oh, the lectures I had to endure growing up! She never thought I was listening.  But I was. Her voice remains in my head. Always. I have a mind of my own....boy, do I ever..,but everything funnels through Mom's words of wisdom. She figured out things pretty well and always told me in a way that appealed to my sense of logic. Some of the things that are right for her are not necessarily right for me....but because of her I have the freedom and confidence to do it my way.

My siblings and I always have said that we had the perfect parents for grown-ups. They raised us to be adults....when we were grown, they released us to the world and didn't try to force us to do things their way. While I know there were times we made them cringe, they let us figure things out. If we needed advice, they would give it. They didn't resent if we didn't take it. They didn't usually interfere with our personal lives...even when I lived a few doors down from them in the apartments for a while. As adults we were allowed to have our own lives and we did not need to tell our parents everything. As a result, we probably felt free to tell them more than most. Well, Mom says I tell her nothing. Probably because my mind stays pretty crowded and I forget. But really...I trust her with my confidences.

If we found ourselves in trouble, our parents would be there for us...though they never felt if we were in the wrong we shouldn't endure the consequences (yes, I chose to use the double negative. Sometimes I like them). As a result, we're grown-ups. We face those consequences. We first try to figure our own way out of trouble. But when we really need it, we know we can ask for help. We are not surprised people are kind and will help us...because that was modeled for us. We were always around helpful and kind people...not only our parents, but the others they brought into our lives. We also learned how to be there for others. We had responsibility to the world.

An acquaintance asked me the other day if I smile all the time. No....not all the time...but usually. Life is good. I was never raised to believe it was perfect, or fair, or that people were flawless. I was raised to deal with it all as part of life. I was raised that my character was more important than anything else. Way more than money. Way more than what people think.

I was raised to know that God was listening and it didn't matter if everyone else believed me (or didn't believe me)....God knew the truth.  That particular lesson came when Mom suspected I was lying (I was), but she couldn't prove it. It was brilliant. Stopped the lying flat. And gave me a lot of freedom. If God knows the truth, I don't really care what you believe about me. (So there.)

Happy Mother's Day, Mom. Thanks for all you've taught me. You're my favorite. And that picture of a younger you is awesome. Trust me.

Two Years of Missing

"Sometimes, when one person is absent,
the whole world seems depopulated."
—Allphonse de Lamartine

It's been two years today since we lost my great nephew Kaelan. I still feel like a part of me is in denial and he will show up and life will go on. It's weird....because so much of me also realizes the loss of him. The world is definitely different. In some ways more colorful, as you realize the frailty of life and the need to celebrate it big, but in other  ways more colorless, without the presence of his light.

A friend of his, a beautiful 20-year old young woman named Christina, was stabbed on Thursday night and died s a result of her injuries. I saw a picture of the two of them on Facebook today, taken some years back, with Nic, Christina's boyfriend and Kaelan's close friend. How much sadness, where there was such laughter and life.

I have a difficult time with "celebrating" the day of his death. Oh, I know that celebration is the wrong word...most would say commemorate. But truly that is my least favorite day of his life. Honestly I wish I could forget.

I'd rather remember his date of birth, the date God gave us him. July 12, a week before my birthday. I'd rather remember the times he greeted me with a big bear hug...I can still feel them sometimes. I'd rather remember when we were running in the Electric Run in Charlotte and he dragged this guy over to me wearing what he called a horse head. It was a unicorn mask, and that was what he wanted for his birthday. Yes, Aunt Kim found one for him (as he knew I would).....and he loved it. 

I'd rather remember the time he crewed with Joanie and Stuart at BalloonFest, and they all cracked me up every time I saw them. Or when he crewed with me at Victory Junction, and I saw his compassion for the sweet special needs kids (some older  than him.)

I heard someone say that losing someone is like an amputation, and sometimes it feels like that. Something's not the way it should be....there is phantom pain.

I hurt for the family that is grieving their sweet daughter now.....and his friend Nic who has lost two of the most important people in his life. Two that he has loved. I'm not one who thinks this was all in God's time, though I know it was no surprise to God. I think God grieves with us. The ripples of these losses of life are great....I trust there is a purpose in it all and in its timing.

Our lesson? While most would say to tell everyone you love them at every opportunity, I'd instead say "Be kind." Cherish those you love and consider the gift they are. Treat them well. Words are good, too....but actions mean so much more. Life is way too short....but we should work to make it wonderful. Even with pain. Love the world...everyone you can. Love and respect yourself. Get help if you need it. People do care. They may even be missing you now. That's probably even worse than death....missing the ones who are here. Don't live alone in a cave of your own making. Reach out....and live.

"Your absence has gone through me,
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do stitched with its color."

                                           .-W.S. Merwin

Pruning the Facebook Tree....or Yelling "Timber"

I had another friend tell me this week that they thought they were going to delete Facebook. This is not a person who uses Facebook very much, so I can't see that the action will change their life very much. I was frankly surprised it was "a thing". I feel it has been a good thing in our lives as friends, allowing us to keep in touch. In fact, I wished this person used it to post more because I love knowing what is going on with them. With the busy-ness of our lives, the preferred direct communication is difficult sometimes. When we do get together there is only time to share so much. To already have an idea of what has been going on? We can cut to the chase and get to the details! I know their encouragement of me (through my excessive posts of daily life) has been a gift.

I had another friend delete Facebook this year, and I will confess it still makes my heart ache. I mourned. It was our only form of communication. Granted it was an acquaintance and not a close friend, but he is someone whose thoughts and insights enhanced my life. His life is very different than mine, and I enjoyed seeing the contrast. I miss him.

Some people seem to see Facebook as this super negative power. It's just an app....though I admit it can have power. But in your life, really only if you allow it to. I believe I hold its power, and don't experience a lot of negatives. I have the power to choose my friends (some are people I have never met, which is weird and wonderful and I guess at times could be creepy. Mostly it has been wonderful.) I control whose posts I see and whose I don't. I seldom block people or posts.....but if I want to, I have the power. If an image or a post particularly bothers me (and granted, some I don't want taking up space in my brain). I can wipe it off my page and focus on others that uplift and encourage me and make me think without shuddering.

I am fascinated by Facebook behavior....by the things that people share and the sides of them that come out when they do. I try to keep things in perspective and realize one statement does not the person make. People have bad days. People express themselves badly. And then there is the opposite. Some people only post the good and amazing parts of their lives. They post words of great wisdom, when truth is they live really screwed up lives. This doesn't bother me. They, too, can say something that encourages or changes me for the better. Even if they really don't live it in their real life. I'll use their words well.

Some people only post about others. They'll tell you about the accomplishments of their children and grandchildren, but never give a glimpse of their own lives. Some rant on topics to the point I wonder what their goal is...though I know they truly have no goal or they would do it another way. They are just letting off steam. Facebook is their chance to vent and get validation from those who agree with them....and start fights with those who don't. They seem both proud and confused when people unfriend them. They are the drama queens and kings of the world....and would probably be offended if you made that observation to them. But we know it, don't we? Most of us don't choose to live such drama in our lives and should not take it as reality.

Which leads me to another observation I have made lately....how many people are slaves to the opinions of other people. Oh, I am not beyond it....which probably is why it fascinates me so much. I have identified that as a personal weakness. In doing that I give myself power to change it. I tend to notice it in myself more quickly and put things in perspective a bit faster. One of the greatest truths I have ever learned is that people are human. Yeah...inane statement to some...insert eye roll here if you find it necessary. But as an analytical type, that simple statement has often changed my whole view of things. 

Even the brightest and most intuitive can be off base about things. I learned this best from people criticizing me (and while I have been criticized a lot in person, nowhere near as much as on Facebook. Especially from complete strangers.) I used to agonize when someone I respected made a critical comment about me that didn't ring true. It confused the daylights out of me. I would obsess about it and look for the truth of it. They had to be right...they were smart and had made many observations of people and things that were on point. But as I marinated in their words (sometimes preparing to grill myself), as I looked at who I know myself to be, I simply didn't agree with what they said. Or I agreed completely in the observation itself, but where they saw it as a weakness in me, I saw it as a strength. It was not something I wanted to change, just because they said so. As for a stranger criticizing me, it only hurts until I consider the source and remember they are judging me based on one written comment....it smarts a bit longer when my "real" friend doesn't defend me as a person of value.
The Facebook meme words of wisdom would tell me to cut these people completely out of my life. They would be seen as negative influences and therefore should be banned. But if you look at everyone as simply human, you realize that you can keep people like this in your life and simply realize they are sometimes wrong. Or they are right in a way, but it is not something that you need to change now. Or ever.

There are parts of who I am that annoy other people (sometimes I annoy myself), but I am not inclined to change them. I am sometimes a difficult friend. I am on occasion brutally honest. It's a family trait, inherited from both sides. The McKinneys and the Scotts are honest and blunt and critical and very often loud in spouting their thoughts. Not an excuse for me to do it excessively, but it is what I know. And I prefer going through life this way rather than being someone who wears a mask all the time.

If you are my real life friend, I almost always have an opinion on the choices you make in your life. There will be few times you don't know what these opinions are, whether you ask for them or not. As your friend, I feel the obligation to tell you. My goal is to only say these things to you one time if they are negative, unless you bring them up again yourself. Or unless I see you making what I believe are critical errors in your life and I am following you around with a life preserver so you don't drown. I sometimes fail in that "one time only thing", but most of my friends know the magic words are "We've already discussed this." That usually makes me put a clamp on it.  But if you know me well, you know I believe you get to make your own choices in life. You get to make mistakes. You don't have to change yourself or how you live because I have an opinion. These things in themselves will not ruin our friendship. If they cause struggle or consequences for you, hopefully these will be the times I will be there for you the most. Even if I could say "I told you so."

There are people I don't particularly care for. There are days I don't like or respect even my closest friends. There are times I feel unappreciated and overlooked. There are times I don't meet expectations and times I offend. Sometimes I ask for advice and decide your view is not my own, so don't take it. It doesn't mean it wasn't valuable....but sometimes it simply clarified my own take. No offense intended. And there are times when I decide certain opinions of me just don't matter. Even from the best of people. These times seem to increase with age.

But "unfriending" friends? I don't do it often. I am OK when they do it to me and realize they have that right and don't owe me an explanation. Though I have been known to ask anyway. Because yeah.....sometimes the curiosity gets the best of me. And sometimes I want to know how someone I love can discard me (because sometimes that is how it feels). Even though, once again, I fully believe they have that right. You are not obligated to be my friend for life. Well....some of you are. But me believing that doesn't mean it is necessarily right.

In my life I have learned that often if I run from certain relationships or try to pretend certain people don't exist, God will keep putting these people in my path. Over and over and over again until I realize I just need to surrender. Usually it is to remind me that they are more than a caricature. They are a complicated human, both good and sometimes "evil". That does not mean they are worthless. And because they are not where I am in life, or where I think they should be, it does not mean that God is not prodding me to love them well. Where they are....without judgment. How does shunning people change them for the better? It's a concept I have thought about a lot in recent years, especially since I had discussions with a friend about certain Christian groups that do it often (I had no idea), and I abhor the whole concept. I admit I wanted to join one of these churches for the express purpose of eventually being shunned. But that's a character flaw with me. (And one that I kinda enjoy.)

But as for us....spending our time trying to convince anybody their opinion of us is wrong (especially strangers) is usually moments of your life wasted. It's fine to be who you are today. You have to accept where you are so you can be better tomorrow. Work on not ever living life for applause from anyone but God. (He knows you inside and out and is not going to unfriend you.) Let that be enough.

Those folks who tie you up in knots? They are mere mortals. Just like you. Fallible and wonderful. But sometimes you do need to avoid them and regain your equilibrium. 
That;s OK.

You've heard this from me before. If you don't have people around you who love you warts and all, who don't acknowledge all of who you are, who spend all of their time with you trying to mold you into who they think you should be, and who don't include you in their lives with open arms and open doors, then knock down those walls you have put up to everyone else and open up yourself to the world. Find your tribe. You need those who support you well, so you can counter the many you will run into who won't. Sometimes you make changes in your tribe. Your needs may be different, or theirs. You may no longer serve each other well. Sometimes hard relationships are worth it. Sometimes they are not.

A relationship is not just about you....think of the needs of others equal to your own needs. Not more, not less....equal is best. There needs to be balance there. Love the full person (even the things you don't like.)  Don't give them a life sentence for a minor infraction. Embrace the good parts. Minimize the bad parts. Be kind to strangers. And cut the public drama. Quietly prune your friends list, if you need to (stop with the public "I am deleting 97.6% of my friends today who I no longer need in  my life". What's the point of that anyway?) Walk totally away if it burdens you excessively. But think twice before you destroy that tree. Maybe you need to prune, and in time it will produce fruit you will enjoy eating.

You can control Facebook. It doesn't need to control you. One thing I like about it....it's a microcosm of our world. You can learn a lot about others. And about yourself. I don't see that as a bad thing. Even if on days you are really aware that we can all be quite annoying. But on another day....oh, how beautiful our people, how beautiful our world.

Non Potable

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"Pure water is the world's first and foremost medicine."

 Slovakian Proverb 

"When you drink the water, remember the spring."

Chinese Proverb

I was driving behind a truck the other day that was marked Non Potable Water. As one easily distracted, thinking about that kept my mind busy for a while. Which is probably a good thing, because I was behind him in the right hand lane for a long time and couldn't get over, and he was driving at that speed that isn't really under the speed limit, but just hovering at it. Unlike most of my family, I consider that too slow, so it has a tendency to make me impatient. (Yep...I recognize it's my issue...that's the first step to change. I haven't necessarily fully accepted the wanting to change thing yet.)

So my first thoughts are "Why do you have to mark the truck for that? Is someone trying to drink it.... sneaking and slurping from that massive container in the middle of the night because they don't have a bottle of Dansani available?" "Was a lawsuit involved? Is it the work of the same person who suggested the 'Do Not Use on Garments On Body' label on the iron or 'Remove Child Before Folding' label on the stroller?" (So OK...maybe the first one is especially funny to me because I possibly could have done it. I haven't tried the kid in the stroller folding....yet.)

Is there some great harm from a vat of unpotable water imploding in an accident? Are there trucks of water that pretend to be something they are not? That someone is trying to pass off as pure? I'm sure there is some reason for that truck to be marked, but I am clueless.

Anyway, in my ADD stream of consciousness, I started thinking about how essential water is to life. Our bodies are about half water. Is our body water potable or non potable? I guess it depends on what we put in it. If we put in clean water, it replenishes our cells and allows us to live. If we put in non potable, on the other hand, it can possibly kill us.

As those of us who are Christians are closing down Holy Week, I think of Jesus  giving his people the gift of living water to quench our thirst. But because someone is saying they are drinking this living water, doesn't mean it is true. How do you know whether someone is drinking authentic holy living water? It is always potable. It always (yes always) produces good fruit....love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

There seems to be a lot of confusion about such things these days. Anger, unkind spirits, judgmental attitudes, rudeness, hatefulness, prejudice....these are things are created from non potable water. It may look the same in the glass, it may not be marked on the container, in fact it may be mis-labeled, but still it is contaminated, from an unpure source. It can be muddy and filled with microscopic creatures  and nothing even resembling purity. Still thirsty people drink it. It can be consumed almost undetected, slowly and subtly damaging bodies. It can be consumed with eyes wide open, knowing there could be consequences. It can make people sick, and have them spewing vomit all around. It can even lead to death. It's insidious and evil and not good for us at all.

Whoever you are...whatever you believe.....Christian or not....if you are human you are at least half water. As you refill your tank, are you drinking that which is potable, or that which is not fit for human consumption? How are you filling your body? How are you filling your mind? Who are you accepting the glass from? Your life reflects these things. Your label is can be as large as the lettering on that truck, or small enough to be almost undetectable...but clearly it is either Potable or Non Potable. You can change the water source and change the fruit your tree of life produces. It's spring...time for renewal for living things. And it's Easter, Christians....time to admit those nails you hammered and live resurrection. How about a glass of water?

This Gun Thing

When I was in high school most pickups had gun racks in the rear view window. In those gun racks were guns. Many went hunting before coming to school in the morning. Some after school. We had to take hunter safety in PE, at the insistence of one of our coaches. I probably still have my patch where I passed the class. I rolled my eyes over having to take the class because I didn't think it was necessary for me. It wasn't, but it was for many of my classmates, so I get it. It certainly did me no harm, though I also never personally used the information.

I was not from a family that had guns back then (though most of my family does now), and I never spent one minute in fear that someone was going to go on a shooting rampage in my school? Naive? Maybe. But the fact that no one did, means fear would have been for nothing.
 
Most of my friends not only have guns, but many conceal carry. While I am in favor of this, I do admit there are a few that concern me. Sure, mental illness is a restrictor.... but what if someone has anger issues or is skittish or prone to fear or has times when they feel everyone is against them? There have been times that seeing certain people with guns in public has scared me. But who decides where the lines are? Even with some of the folks I know well, I wouldn't want to make that determination. I don't believe I would trust you to, either.

There are things that scare me more than guns. Terrorist bombs. Poison in our water or food supplies. Those driving while impaired....or while texting. Somebody running me down  me in a parking lot or while crossing the street (thinking of you, downtown Statesville drivers). I know more people who have injured innocent people with guns than have saved themselves or their families. I know folks who have been murdered....probably with legal guns. One was probably the act of a stranger (no one has been convicted) and another was a former boyfriend. But I don't see the guns as the murderer....just the murderer's weapon of choice. They could have been knifed or hit with a lamp or poisoned. They'd still be dead. That's just my experience and thought process....yours could be different. It shapes our views. How can it not?

I've heard some folks put down the kids protesting our gun laws and not feeling safe in our schools. Agree with them or not, I will do nothing but encourage them. Get out there and speak your minds, kids. Tell people what you think..learn to articulate your thoughts. You may be right....but be open to being wrong.. You'll be ahead of most adults with that one quality. I'm sorry you don't see it modeled much.

I am hopeful that these teens are not only learning to peacefully protest, and link arms with those of like minds (and even engage with those who think differently) , but they will continue to exercise their rights. I hope they vote in record numbers...and pick better candidates. I hope they blow up our political party system, Agree with them or not, they are trying to influence our politicians and our world. Do I think they will be successful any time soon? Nope....because I cynically believe that something about being in public office makes ears and minds and even hearts close. Maybe the job and the number of opinions to sift through is just overwhelming. But I don't see politicians listen to opinions of people well. I don't see them trying to solve problems creatively....or even seem to understand what the real problems are. So if they don't change, we need to change them. Because the symptoms are not the disease. Maybe the voices of these teens will resonate an
d get their attention.  Maybe.

I want dialogue. I want us to vote differently....grading politicians on how they listen to we, the people. I want us to figure out what is going on. Why do we live in such an angry country, an angry world? Why are there so many mentally unbalanced people? Aren't those the real questions?

If guns are the problem, I would not be opposed to changing the Second Amendment. I've said before I don't think guns are our primary issue, and I'm not a gun fan. Still I also don't think any part of our constitution is so sacred it should never, ever be changed. Before you get up in arms, I like our constitution. I currently don't think it needs to change. But I am open to it changing it if we decide that's best for our nation.

What really need to be open are our minds. I love seeing some of my friends make bold choices and changes as they are actively working through the issues. Some are giving up their guns. Some are learning how to shoot better and safer. Some are securing their guns like never before and making sure they are not easily accessed, especially by children. Others are learning self defense....and learning how to defend others. I admire them all. They're leaving their comfort zone and growing. They are taking it seriously. I suspect they will come through it more balanced and stronger. Hopefully their experience will teach us all.

I am not currently advocating for changes in gun laws, because I currently feel the problem is bigger than guns. That could change tomorrow. I listen to people on all sides of the issues and I am willing to be changed.

There seem to be so many scared and unbalanced people in our world. They....sometimes you.....scare me. Not obsessively, but for moments in time. But I still believe there are more people who are balanced, who will come together and soothe an angry world. I often mention the quote "Anger is fear disguised." Let's work to find the source of fear and soothe some angry souls,

Young people,with your beautiful passion...I pray you don't become discouraged by the naysayers, the cynical, and the closed minded. Find those adults who are wise.....you will know them by their balance. Listen to them and learn. Ask them hard question and find the inconsistencies in their thoughts. That is how you grow your minds.

Don't let anyone tell you that you can't change the world.....and that your fear is unfounded. You're headed in the right direction. I am proud of what we will do together. Because you're not in this alone. There are adults who are working for change. And while your innocence has been damaged and you may be scared, we want you to be able to go back to being kids. Strong kids. Kids that are both seen and heard. And protected.

The Passport Photos

"When you look like your passport photo, it's time to go home." Erma Bombeck

I realized yesterday, through our travel agents at work, that my passport expires this year. Not until October, but anyone who travels much knows that as long as it is in the same year some countries will not let you in  (OK, they say within six months, but I have learned to be extra cautious because if something can go wrong, I will find it out . I am easy-going about most things, but could very well stage an international incident over such a thing.

So this procrastinator, who often misses deadlines in her personal life (most recently my car tag renewal), would never knowingly not have a passport in good standing. You never know when someone may say "Hey, do you want to go to Antarctica?" ....and you must be prepared to say "Sure!" (That is the only possible answer, from where I sit.)

But today as I was waiting at the CVS, where I believe all of the passport photos of my adult life have been taken, I remembered a Dad story. I don't think there have been many, if any, days of my life since my dad has been gone that something hasn't brought him to mind.

Dad was almost always calm, cool, and collected.....and seldom wrong. He also was a bit thrifty. Some of you are grinning because you know I inherited that particular trait. It was time for Dad's passport to be renewed and he thought "Why should I go out and pay someone else to take a passport photo of me? I'm a pretty good photographer."

So Dad read all up on all the requirements.....he was the type who would not miss a detail (I did not inherit this trait.) He knew the backdrop he needed, he knew the size his head needed to be, he had each and every detail down. He set up a white sheet with a chair in front of it, set up the tripod, and started the process of taking his own picture. He found it wasn't quite as easy as it looked. This was back in the days of film, so there was film cost and processing that needed to be done. Dad kept making adjustments and taking more photos until the roll was ready to be developed.

When Dad got the pictures back, I don't think one was usable. The pictures were hysterical. Sometimes it took before he was seated. Sometimes he was leaning one way or another. Sometimes you could see the sheet draping, and other times wrinkles in it. Yes, we laughed until we cried. Not Dad....he wasn't around when we saw them....the rest of us. I think he had left them on the counter. And yes, our mom was the ringleader.

If I remember correctly, that did not stop him. It just gave him more data to make sure he got it right. He got the picture.

So me....CVS has always been my passport place, because I learned from Dad how I didn't want to do it.  Even after all of that, and knowing my inability to do anything crafty, Dad would have still told me I could do it myself. Most who know me, know better. Sometimes his faith in me was misplaced.

I wanted to hug the young guy who took my picture today when it was over, not because the picture was so great, but because the process was fun. He had to remind me "You can't smile".... which made me purse my lips in a way that makes me look a bit suspicious. We laughed after he took it and I really had to laugh when I saw it. I may be patted down or strip searched in my future, because of that look on my face. But my photographer was proud of his work But he further said "They do call them mug shots. And they're the ones who say you can't smile, wear glasses, or have your hair in your face." I rolled my eyes at him a little, but acknowledged "I'll be traveling. If I looked too good they wouldn't recognize me."

Thrifty me found a $2 coupon online when I checked to make sure CVS still did took passport photos (since it had been 10 years.) So I didn't pay full price....that is a good thing. And truly....as bad as my photo is, I know Dad's were far worse. Sometimes 'Do it yourself" is not smarter or cheaper.

Now to mail it all in and get ready for more adventures. It's fitting I am doing this in February. Is there anything I love more than travel? A few things, but not many.

Beyond the Shutdown

Supposedly they'll vote at noon today whether to stop our current government shutdown. Since it started there has been a side of me that wishes everyone who will not get paid as a result of the action (or inaction)....including our military....would refuse to do their jobs. OK, the childish petty side of me, I don't  really believe that or want that.....I know we need them and it would put our country in chaos...and danger. I appreciate that they understand that and have a commitment that supersedes their salary.  But when you have a government insensitive to the needs of you and your family, the temptation has to be great to really let them see the significance of their actions.

I'm not being partisan here. I follow no party. In fact this once again demonstrates to me what I feel is disgusting about our political system. It's on the level of junior high drama...are you in the popular crowd or not? The gang mentality supersedes the individual responsibility. Good parents do not let their children slide when they do something because of peer pressure. Why do we allow it in our government?

Looking at the numbers, no party is blameless.  NY Times List of How They Voted  But truly I don't care about that. Let's throw the party out of it all. I hold each individual responsible. I could not care less about what party they are in. They get one vote....they have full responsibility for that vote. If the other members of their party jumped off a cliff, would they follow? (The questions of childhood stay with us forever, because silly as they sound they still ring true.) Yes, many obviously would.

I'm tired of people bringing up the idiotic statement of Trump from the past that the president is responsible. I don't believe our president is that powerful. Any president. Those kinds of statements deflect from the truth and probably give this one person more power. They don't recognize the checks and balances of our system. They don't recognize the big picture.  If our government was run by leaders who put people before politics or their own self interests, who represented all of the people of our country instead of their particular self interests, they would work more for small focused changes that make a difference instead of big bulky bills most of them haven't grasped or understood when they voted for them. They'd get more done, with much less chaos. They'd take one issue at a time and really let people see what they believe.

I don't know about you, but my eyes were rolling back in my head this weekend each time I saw a Senator make a huge public spectacle of writing a letter refusing their salaries, because of course they are exempt (as they are almost always) from the impact of the laws they pass. Some of my friends appeared very moved by this. Not me. I agree they should not get those salaries. Write your letter and send it, but instead of having time for a press conference or public relations campaign to gain accolades, spend your time working for solutions that will impact those who have no choice about what will be done with their salary. And in the future, make sure you are never exempt from a law that is passed for the people. Leaders should be the first in line to take the action they are suggesting for others.

I've followed the Facebook posts of friends who are "non-essential" government employees. They're confused as to what it all means for them, even those who have been through this before.  I hate they are dealing with such instability. In a world where many live paycheck to paycheck, I am sorry this has given them extra stress.

Working in corporate America, there doesn't seem to be a choice as to when our budgets are final. My company has never had a shutdown in the 12 years I have been there....they make their decisions and the budget is final.  Not everyone agrees with it, but it is what it is. I don't work with budgets now and only see the outward impacts, not the inner dialogue. I do know that usually their most important audience are the stockholders and decisions are often made to make them happy. I don't always agree with this, but I understand it and understand the whys behind it.

Who are the stockholders of our country? I think it should be our citizens, all of our citizens. Too often it is the campaign contributors. Too often it is a very small group of people just like them. Too often it is their friends, who they socialize with at cocktail parties or on the golf course. Too often it is the members of their political party, those with the power to make the party decision. The 'popular crowd." Too often they forget they are working for "we, the people." Too often it is because we have let them, have continued to elect them, and have not held them to a standard befitting a member of Congress of the United States of America,

Like many I have grown to hate politics. I hate that immigration and the handling of illegal aliens (a critically important subject itself), is used as leverage to pass, or not pass, a budget (way past the "deadline"). I hate that we elect people who don't represent many of us....who often are people who have no ideas of the struggles of the common man. Who have never been to a grocery store, or laundromat, or checked a book out of the public library. Who never had to stick to a personal budget. People who would rather grandstand than compromise.

When it gets down to it, we the people are responsible. We elected these folks. Both parties. Casting our votes or failing to cast our votes. Participating in the system or failing to participate in the system. Believing the voice of a political party rather than making our judgments based on each candidate, each issue, one at a time. Getting our idea of who a particular candidate is from media rather than trying to actually get at the truth of who they are. Which yes....I believe may be almost impossible.

Years back I failed to vote for a particular candidate because they wore a bad toupee. My thought process was that anyone who had poor judgment in that area, would have poor judgment in making decisions in political office. Afterward I got to know this person and I learned they were intelligent, compassionate, knowledgeable, and cared about our community. I wish I could say that was the only time I made such a shallow judgment, but it is not. It has taught me to try to get to know the person behind the candidacy. That's a tough thing to do, I have found. Often I am voting for a bio or from the   judgment of a journalist whose eyes may see things differently than mine. Neither usually give me a true judgment of that person's true character. But we need to learn to look for the character, to look beyond parties and to people. We need to hold those we elect accountable. We need to look out for our communities and our country, and all the people who make them up, rather than only our own self interests

I know I vote differently than most. I sometimes vote for candidates that don't share my views. A weird concept to many, I know. But I want good strong points of view debating issues. I want different types of people represented. To me that is how democracy works best. I have no illusions that we are at a place where they do this well at the moment, but I believe it is a step to get us tgere.

While I am frustrated rught now with most things political, I have hope. I talk with younger friends and many have a better handle on debate and reaching consensus than my contemporaries. I hope they do not become jaded.

We the people are the power. Not the president, not the Congress. We can stop this foolishness. Why don't we stop the name calling and the childlike meme wars, why don't we stop supporting politicians who don't take their responsibility seriously, whose actions don't match their words or votes. Why don't we stop following the misplaced ideologies of our political parties and think for ourselves? Why don't we band together and care about each other and fight for all of the things our constitution says it stands for? Why don't we act as mature leaders and show them how it is done? Why don't we compromise when it is needed? Why don't we quit worshipping politicians and media and make decisions that will be an example of how you live unified in a democracy? We can, you know.

Resolute

If you know me at all, you probably know that planning is not my favorite activity. I'm a good planner,  mind you, but more of a "wait until the last minute, figure out all the things that need to be done, and do them" kind of woman.

I hate things like project plans (ironically I'm currently a project manager by profession), because I would rather be doing or strategizing than writing a list and crossing it off. No, I never make a grocery list either, which is why I can go to get things for Christmas dinner and forget the most important items.

So it falls in line I don't make typical new year's resolutions. I do think about the new year and evaluate my life. There's a little holiday break in there and it seems to come up. Last year I had one goal.....to be more active in my work day. Major fail.....but I am not giving up on it because 2017 has ended.

I have found myself laying around a lot the past month....pain and illness and such taking over my life.  Not my norm, and it was frustrating. But I spent a lot of time thinking things through and I realized something. My life feels a bit stale. Not just because of the forced time out, but even before. I have realized lately I am not trying new things or seeing new places. Both of those things are part of who I choose to be, so a life lacking in them is not me living my life to the full.

I had lunch with my friend Mirielle some time back, and this sassy girl challenged me. I have thought about it ever since. Before I tell you what she said to me, let me tell you a bit about her. When Mirielle was about to begin studying at Chapel Hill, we had dinner when I said "Oh, I'm going to miss you so much when you go away." She said "Why? I'm coming home every weekend." I am sure my face showed sheer horror. We then had a conversation that began "Nooooo......you can't do that!"

The first weekend, she was home. I shook my head at her and she said "Really.....I am going to  stay there some." And then she did.....and learned the joy of it.....and I barely ever saw her.

But there's more. She graduated. She started traveling. She loved it. She didn't wait for someone to come along and do the typical group of friend trips to the same destinations everyone else her age went to. She went by herself, to wherever caught her fancy, and stayed in hostels, or possibly in her rented car. She is more outgoing than me, but you never would have seen it those first years I knew her. She was quiet.  But she meets people easily and has learned to ask for both advice and help. She'll talk to anyone. She has learned to read people well and figures out who to spend time with, and who to avoid. You may be able to tell, I am not only proud of her, but she has become a role model for me.

Back to our last conversation. Knowing my love of new places and adventure, she called me on my current staid life. She challenged me on not taking advantage of opportunities to get out of my comfort zone. I have a few valid constraints, but still she made me question why I'm not pushing my boundaries more. Why I'm not working harder to live a life more reflective of the things I love most. Lots of food for thought.

I believe the biggest sin in most of our lives is that we don't live our purpose. That we disrespect this big world God has created for us and box ourselves in. Now, don't get me wrong. Everyone is not supposed to travel like I am. It's a definite passion for me, but it is not for everyone. (It's not for most of my family, for instance.)

But still, we all have passions. We all have adventures to experience. We have weaknesses to strengthen. Fears to test. Skills to develop. Talents to use. People to serve. We all have purposes to live. They look different. But they are the same in that they add the blood to the body of our lives.

I've talked before about the experience of seeing a friend come back to life during a transfusion. It was amazing. Totally from death to life. From comatose to talking and laughing. I think a lot of us need a few pints of blood. And/or a good kick in the pants.

I'm resolved this year that I am going to meet at least one challenge a month. It may not even be one per calendar month. Just 12 challenges. A dozen. It seems like a good number.

These may not be big things to anyone else, but they will be something God is telling me to explore. It may be a town. It may be a state. It may be a country. It may not even be travel.  It may be doing something that scares me. It may be something you wouldn't give a second thought. Because we are all different and have different hurdles to jump. But I am going to leave my comfort zone at least 12 times.

The thing I know is this.....these things will not be careless for me. They need to meet a need in my life. A weakness. A fear. An adventure. A challenge. A thrill. A service. A way to think about where I am and whether I am headed in the right direction....or whether I need to change a direction. Or detour. Some may be mustard seed things. Some may be mountains.

I need more zest for life.....and Mirielle has more than most people I have met, of any age. So I am going to meet her challenge. Probably not in the way she would do it. But that is good and right for me. We take the challenges of our friends and make them our own.

A new year looms. Are you good with a repeat of last year? If not, where are you headed? Make a plan. Or don't. Just open your eyes wider and do what needs to be done. That is what works for me.

May your 2018 be rich and full and happy. May you live your purpose. You'll know you are there  when you are living your life in a way that honors your beliefs, your loves, and your passions. And when you know the world is better because of you.