My Rock Stars

Was talking to my friend Liz last night about writers.....and my special love for them.  Having been a huge reader since a very early age, they are my rock stars.

Was driving through Manning, SC a few years ago on my way to visit a client, and saw a banner crossing the street proclaiming "Manning, SC - Home of Peggy Parish, author of Amelia Bedelia".  I hit my brakes (luckily it was downtown Manning, so not much of a chance of a 10-car pile-up) and screamed.  Loudly.

The client I was visiting was a very laid back tire shop (one older female, the rest men.)  My excitement level was still high when I hit the door.  Instead of a normal greeting, I said "Peggy Parish is from Manning?!"

Amelia Bedelia was one of my favorite books growing up....probably accounts for a chunk of my sense of humor (and probably that of my little brother Derek, since I read him that book over and over.  Coincidentally his sense of humor is eerily like mine.)   If you never read the book, Amelia Bedelia was a maid who got very confused about the tasks that her bosses gave her to do.  If they told her to draw the drapes, a picture of the drapes would be drawn.  If they told her to change the towels, she would take her scissors to them and make sure they looked different.  If they told her to dust the furniture, she would find a box of powder and sprinkle it liberally. Yes, she was a major pain to her bosses....and they would always be on the verge of firing her....but she would make a lemon meringue pie (which she would do quite well) and everything would be OK.  It is an awesome book.  And it started something...I still adore word play and those who do it well.

While at the tire shop I basically interviewed everyone there about any possible connection they may have with Peggy Parish.   (Who says a broadcast journalism degree and insurance don't mix?)  I may have asked them how things were going with their insurance, but probably gave them all of 10 seconds to answer that one!  They, quite frankly, were a disappointment when it came to Peggy.  A few had met her, none had any interesting tidbits to share with me.  Really....it was Manning!  Population next-to-nothing.  How did they not have tons of stories about her?  I think she had died by time I made this visit, so I never got a chance to meet her.  Knowing me....I would have gone on a quest to track her down had I the opportunity.  But still, I remember the excitement I felt that day.....and celebrating my love for this woman I had never met but who had written the story I read over and over.

I love going to see authors speak and finding out what they are like in real life.  My sister Deryn, brother Derek, mom and I all trekked to Charlotte to see James Patterson several years ago.  The big attraction  was to discover what kind of weirdo would write some of the horrific stuff his mind comes up with.  But he was normal....and nice.....and I think amused and surprised with the places his mind takes him when he writes. On another occasion I went to see Sue Grafton, she of the series of books that started with A is for Alibi.  She was exactly as I pictured she would be.....friendly and funny and entertaining and normal.  A girlfriend.

While at UNC Southern author Lee Smith was one of my creative writing teachers.  She was fun not only because of her excitement of our writing (she often thought us brilliant.....our classmates, who criticize your work in this sort of class, found each other slightly less so), but as a natural storyteller would tell us about authors she had met.  I remember her laughing at how often people tried to read way too much into a story and the symbolism of things and as an example she told a story of going to hear Eudora Welty speak.  During the Q&A at the end someone stood and told her they knew why she chose to write about people eating a certain kind of pie in one of her books.  Ms. Welty listened to their whole explanation of why is was so genius and at the end, paused for a few moments and said "Well, we had chess pie for dessert the day I wrote that.  I think that was probably the reason I included that.  But what you saw in it was very interesting."

Also around the college years I went to a conference where R.C. Sproul, the theologian and writer, was speaking.  I followed him around in between conference functions....at meals and such.  OK....you're right....I stalked him.  Was too bashful to go up and really have a conversation with him, but wanted to hear his conversations with everyone else.  Yeah, the people I was with finally noticed what I was doing and I was teased mercilessly.  He is still my spiritual crush (Philip Yancey just may give him a run for his money.  But I haven't met him....yet!  Watch out Philip....I just may be stalking YOU next!)

The internet has made our connection to some authors very accessible.  I remember finishing a book by Tom Perrotta and hating the way he ended it.  It was one of those where you just think "You can't stop it here!!!!  Why????"  So I get online and fire off an irate email to him and asked him.  Yes, I do have gall.  But his response was fun.  He said I wasn't the first who had mentioned it.  And he was a bit of a smart aleck.  Like many of my friends.  Never did give me a reason (probably because the answer was "because I said so") though he and I traded a few rounds of email barbs, which was entertaining. (Read his chronology on his website www.tomperrotta.net.  It will give you an idea of his personality and why he and I got along well.  For a few email minutes!)  I still don't always like his story choices and directions, but enjoy criticizing his writing.

Then there is Taylor Stevens.  After just picking her first book off a shelf at the library, and really enjoying the character she wrote (a smart tough female superhero), I looked her up on the internet after reading her cover blurb biography and found that she had been raised in the Children of God cult, had not had education past the age of 12, had traveled all over the world with them (on four continents..panhandling and doing domestic chores for the cult members), had married when she was in the cult and she and her husband had eventually gotten out when in their 20s (and with two children.)  When they left, they knew nothing about the real world (such as handling money, renting an apartment, getting a job.....things we take for granted) and had no friends to help them.  They managed through, ended up in Texas and she who always loved to entertain the younger kids in the cult with stories (though it was forbidden) has taught herself how to write and then how to get published.  Her first novel was a bestseller.   Her life fascinated me and this character she wrote fascinated me, and I thought to myself she would be someone I would be interested in sitting down and having a conversation with.  Several months ago I finished her second book and thought I would look on the internet to see if she was doing a book tour around here any time soon.  Funnily enough she was in NC the next week.....which ended up being really weird since I later found out from our conversation that they don't really do big book tours these days and her days in NC were some of the few she did outside of Texas (where she lives.) Went to hear her speak, had a great conversation with her and have kept up with her since through Facebook and email.

The last couple of weeks Taylor has been in a contest on audible.com for the audiobook for her first novel The Informationist.  She almost got beat in the first round, but mentioned it to those of us who are on her Facebook page and got through it and the subsequent rounds.  She ended up beating both Stephen King and Diana Galbadon to win the contest.....a HUGE longshot, to put it simply.  (Some of you may have voted for her since I begged for it on Facebook....thanks!)  Some of Diana Galbadon's fans got really upset when she went far into the lead one night, and some weren't nice on her Facebook page.  Loved her response to one of these people.  Here is part of it "To be honest, having grown up uneducated and as child labor, completely abandoned by everyone who should have been there for me, including my own parents, and NEVER having anyone stick up for me, I am completely overwhelmed—almost to the point of tears—at the level of support I have received from people I’ve never even met. No matter how this tournament would have ended, knowing there are people out there who have my back is enough to make me a winner." 

I love when I get to see authors as real people, with real struggles, real emotions and real lives.  And when I get a chance to thank them for writing for me.  It's a bonus to get to actually encourage them and cheer for them and see them realize some of their own dreams.  Didn't think about that back in the days of Amelia Bedelia.  I thought the characters were more real than the people who wrote the characters.  I don't now.  I plan to continue to meet and talk with more of those people that write the books I love.  It is on my "To Do" list.  But I want to start to have even longer conversations.  I guess that would be Kim's version of "partying like a rockstar."

Some Rambling on Politics

I'm not someone who identifies with any political party.  I registered Republican....back when I was 18 and thought that I needed to.  I've just been too lazy to change it....and not sure that it matters anyway.  (Though will gladly make the time to do it if it means less political phone calls!)  I really struggle because I don't like a lot of government intervention....I don't think they do a particularly great job and they seem to breed a system that operates inefficiently and stagnantly.  Instead of being leaders, they lag behind.  But in a world where people don't always do the right thing, I see why we think we need governing.  And after attending more County Commissioner and City Council meetings than the average citizen, I can understand why so much doesn't get done.  That is not always the fault of our elected officials.  Often it is the people.  I wish we could just change people, but unfortunately laws seem to be the only things that work in certain instances.  And laws often create bigger....but not necessarily better..... government.   And government and creative problem solving seem to be mutually exclusive these days.

And since I am doing some rambling, here are some of my thoughts on politics at the moment....

Laws I Want to See Passed that Could Gain My Undying Vote for Their Champions

• No unsolicited phone calls.  At all.  Ever.  I pay for the privilege of phone service.....why should anyone else be able to call me on them without my permission?  People are allowed to call me at any time, regardless of whether it is convenient for me to answer, regardless of what is going on in my life.  It just has to be convenient with them.  Is that fair?  I don't care if I have done business with them in the past.  I don't care if they are a charity.  I don't care if I am a distinguished alumni of their institution.  I don't care if I once had a magazine or newspaper subscription with them.  And I especially don't care if you are running for public office.  If I am paying for the service, I should get to say who is allowed to call me. And I shouldn't have to opt out....the standard should be no unsolicited calls, and we should opt in if we want them to call us. Maybe have it on the same level as a Facebook friend request.  I think that would make life much nicer for telemarketers, too, since they would not be met with the wrath of people like me.  So I am not being entirely selfish here. 
• No littering on my property.  That means Dominos and those stupid plastic cups.  That means the phone book people.  That means flyers left on my door.  It's annoying that I have to clean them up.  And it's annoying for them to advertise to criminals when I am not at home. 
• No door to door solicitation.  Once again, not for selling me things, collecting for charities, inviting me to events....I don't care.  When you are a single female living alone, it's just creepy when a stranger comes to call.  Or even someone you only know slightly. Let my home be my sanctuary.
• No use of tax dollars to get things done when they can get volunteers to do the same work.  Whatever happened to community spirit?  Tell me we're having a paint party at North Iredell High School (my alma mater)......I'll do my best to be there.  (And I will encourage the painters that show up and do things like clean walls and paint brushes, since I am the world's worst painter and it is for the sake of all that I will not actually paint.)  Students and their parents should be there working together to make it a nice environment.   It should be fun.  A place it is a privilege to be.  All over town we have so many amazing craftsmen and tradesmen who I believe would be willing to meet some of the needs of our county and city and save us all tax dollars in the bargain.  In return we could spread the word that they did it....and maybe help their business as we or our friends hire people for different things.  We have retirees who retired too young and have time on their hands they may be willing to donate to a good cause.  I'm just saying that before we spend money, we look for alternate ways to provide the service.  They say Americans are lazy and won't take the time to show up to do some of these things.... and I am not saying that there is not a bit of validity to that statement.  But are we selling ourselves short?    Why can't we change the idea of what it means to be an American?  I look at our mayor, Costi Kutteh.  That man shows up.  Not because he is mayor....he was doing it before that and does it whether anyone else is around to notice.  I am confident he will die volunteering.  We need more people like him.  Let's spread a little of that spirit around.  And let's vote for people who are out and around and making the community a better place before they run for political office.

My Advice to Politicians
As you run for office, be a grownup.  If you can't say something nice about your opponent,  don't make a personal attack in a commercial or at a forum.  Not that some of the dirty dogs that run don't deserve some of that to be public knowledge, but it's best for you not to be the one to reveal.  You belittle yourself when you do.  But tell us about yourself and why we should vote for you.  Or have others who are willing to speak up for you.  And if you are running for office, it seems like maybe it would be good if you had actually attended a meeting of the group you are about to join.  Before you put your ring in the hat.  There are some people who run year after year and I have never seen them at a meeting when they are not running for office.  That speaks to me.  Unfortunately a lot of you citizens are not attending these meetings either, so you have not noticed.  But drop in from time to time.  You'll learn a lot.  And sometimes get disillusioned.  And bored.  Seems to me way too much discussion goes on behind closed doors....because it doesn't always seem to make it to the floor during commissioners and city council meetings.  I don't think that is how it is supposed to be.  God bless those who open their mouths and share their opinions.  May get them in trouble with some voters, but I appreciate them for doing what we voted them in to do.  I love those who don't run only to prove they can win an election....but instead serve because they want to represent their neighbors and make our community better. And they try to know their neighbors and the people they represent.... and don't just assume their opinion speaks for all.  Sometimes they actually speak for others and leave their own opinions at home.  That is a public servant.

How I Will Vote
I love that our country is a democracy.  I am proud of that.  I believe God has given us the freedom of choice and I respect that He knew what He was doing when He did that.  I like when our government attempts to do the same thing.  I believe that each adult citizen comes before the government as an individual, and rights should be granted to each equally.  I will try to vote for that.  I am a Christian and certainly that influences how I vote.  I trust that if I try to look into the face of God as I vote, that my vote will be right and significant.

I'm still trying to figure out who I will be voting for in this election.  I will take a little time with my decision to consider everything I can.  I generally do not vote for all members of one political party and may even vote for someone who has opinions different from me....if I think those opinions represent a group that needs to be heard.  I try to always vote for a person that I believe loves our community and its people.  But like a lot of elections lately, I am going to be voting mostly on hearsay and speculation, on carefully crafted speeches and well done internet sites.  And that discourages me about myself.  I want to know some of these candidates better.  When they are not running.  And feel confident when I vote that they will represent the principles I personally believe in.  What I read in newspapers, that which I can find on the internet, all is written with bias.  Even those who attempt to write without bias, cannot escape their own upbringing and experience.  So while my voting may not live up to my own ideals for myself, I will still make a good attempt.  And hope that next time, I will feel more prepared.

And by the way, those of you who don't vote....you're not just laying down your right to criticize in the future.  You are weakening our democracy.  Do a bit of the work that is the privilege we have as citizens of this country, pay attention to the issues and vote.  Let me know if you need me to show you how to get a sample ballot online so you can get started!

My reasons for voting for or against things always seem a bit different than those of my friends.  I may vote for the same thing as you, but for entirely different reasons.  And I like that.  It brings life to a democracy.  But as I hear people talk, it is just one more thing that makes me remember that I just may be a bit unusual!  My ballot probably won't look like yours.  But that is OK and good.  In the box, but out of the box.  Again!

Joy in the Mourning

When I was in my 20s, I was a member of two singles groups in Greensboro.  The first was at Westover Church, the second Christ Community.  I first attended Westover Church when I was in my early 20s, made some of my best friends there, and then moved over to Christ Community ARP around my mid-20s, (where John Kimmons, whose parents were some of my adult friends when I was growing up, pastored) and I met some of the rest.  Both groups intermingled as we introduced friends to friends, so the numbers just grew.  Both groups were similar....full of fun people who loved God, loved people and knew the meaning of the word community.  For a lot of us, who never seemed to have any money, we used each other for things like moving, painting, eating, and cheap entertainment.  Sharing our lives and our meager stuff.  Entertainment that included dollar movies, themed parties, ballgames, general hanging out in packs, and beach retreats Memorial Day and Labor Day (50 people + 1 house = fun chaos!).  And encouraging each other.  Lots of that.  The kind of people who know you and still love you.  The kind with whom you build lifelong bonds and great memories.  Those you laugh with and cry with.  Those who cheer you on for life. 

Two of my friends during this time were Lou and Brenda.   I had friendships with each, but those friendships didn't really interconnect.  I loved them both individually and cherished my time spent with both.  When I had moved away from Greensboro and found out that they were dating, and then engaged, I was surprised ("when did that happen?"), but ecstatic.  Had not been on my radar, but it seemed so right.  They just fit. 

With all of the moves I made over the next years, I was difficult to keep up with.  Them too.  At one time we all lived in Raleigh for a brief time....had dinner one night, a few phone calls with Brenda to catch up, but busy lives took over and contact was sparse.  Then it was onto moving around again for all of us (me back to Statesville, them to Singapore and then back to Raleigh.)

Lou and I reconnected on Facebook a few years ago.  Though Brenda was never a Facebook person (she always being someone who would prefer to look you in the eye), I felt that she was back in my life again, too.  And it was on Facebook I found out about an incident that would forever change their lives.  Brenda was driving a friend to chemotherapy (because she did things like that), and for some reason drove the wrong way on an exit ramp.  The friend she was driving realized something was wrong, and told her to pull over so she could drive.  Brenda pulled into the first place she could, got out of the car to move to the passenger seat, when she fell to the ground in a seizure.  That was the beginning of the nightmare that eventually led to her death, in May 2010....the day before her 49th birthday.

My former roommate from those Greensboro years, Nancy, and I shared a lot around that time because we had a similar reaction.....it shook us to our core.  We trust God, but to no longer have the opportunity to see Brenda again on this earth was a shock.  Even those of us who hadn't seen her in a long time.  We grieved our loss.  We grieved for our friend Lou....whose heart was broken and who had so quickly lost his helpmate.  He was on our minds constantly and it was difficult to not be able to fix things for him.  We grieved for their four children, who we knew would dearly miss the woman who was maternal even before she had babies, and for whom family was second only to serving God. It was a time of sadness.

From the first moments we heard of Brenda's illness and then death, there were prayers.  That God would care for Lou and the kids.  That all of their needs would be met.  That somehow out of all of this there would be great joy.  We believed these prayers would be answered, even when it seemed like a difficult thing for God to do.  We watched and we waited, and saw Lou's heart heal little by little and life grown into a new normal for him.

Meanwhile, amongst that same group of single friends from the Greensboro years, was Amy.  I  didn't know Amy quite as well as I did Lou and Brenda, but always liked her very much.  Even though she is a Duke grad.  She was smart and funny and had a great heart.  While I had not kept up with her over the years, I found out later that she had married, adopted a couple of children (a cool story in itself), but then had also become widowed far too quickly.   She was living in Arkansas.... seemingly far away.

But as God does things, Lou and Amy ran into each other.  In the midst of each of their pain, they found the support of each other.  People who share similar experiences, but also common faith.  Sparks flew.  And this weekend they were married.  A lovely gift of joy to a couple of people who have been bruised by life.  A new family of eight created.

On one of those singles beach retreats long, long ago that I remember sitting out in the sand with my Bible and finding a Psalm that has become one of my favorites.   It's weird that it struck me so strongly at that time, since there wasn't much pain or difficulty in my life.  Even then I didn't quite understand why it meant so much.  But it was one I memorized and has come to mind lately as I think of Lou and Amy, as it has during some other poignant parts of my life.

"You turned my wailing into dancing;
   you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,
 that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent.
   LORD my God, I will praise you forever."   Psa 30:11-12 (NIV)

I believe in providence.  I believe that God sends us what we need when we need it.  I believe He directs our paths, and even between Arkansas and NC He can be the magnet that brings people together.  (Even when they are State and Duke grads, who sometimes can be really hardheaded.)  As I have said in the past, I try not to pray passively.  So now, I get to acknowledge that God not only  has answered these prayers, but He did it in such a sweet way.  Once again, this wedding just seems right.  He sent Lou another member of our family....plucked from that special group of people that bonded long ago. 

Neither Lou or Amy are the silent types....and their overflowing hearts will be a beautiful thing to behold.  I can't wait to hear of the great things that will come out of the blending of their lives and their families.  So yea God!  Thanks again for a great picture of life, your way.  Thank you for caring for my dear friend Lou in such a special way, and for your provision for Amy.  Thank you for turning wailing into dancing. 

As verse 5 of the passage above said "weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."  Let us rejoice!   I know that my friend Brenda sees the beauty in it....and in heaven is doing some dancing of her own.   Because that is the type of soul she is.

It's Not Just About The Vaginas...

Some friends of mine are putting on a great production of "The Vagina Monologues" this weekend, to raise money for My Sister's House, our local battered women's shelter.  It's a performance, or a series of performances, that are at times funny and at times tragic....but mostly very raw and truthful.  I am sure there are those who attended (and didn't know what they were getting into!) who were shocked, and embarrassed, and even angry that such a performance was taking place in the pure city of Statesville.  Some were a little thrilled, overwhelmed and empowered.  I think that is good for us.  Because maybe it will get us talking and realizing some simple facts about life.  And how we can make it better.

Violence in our society is rampant.   We like to turn our heads.  We like to pretend it doesn't exist.  Or pretend it does and spread rumors when we have no facts.  We like to tear apart the victims in our brains and figure out how they in some way caused it or provoked it.  Like that will excuse it.  And you know, usually you can find reasons if you look hard enough.  They were in the wrong place at the wrong time.  They were warned that their offender had issues.  Or their friends and family didn't like them.  Certain things happened along the way in their relationship where they should have seen the signs of escalating abuse, but yet they chose to stay.  They dressed provocatively.  They emasculated, taunted, talked too much, went too far.  They drank too much or took drugs and weren't in control of themselves.  They were drunk or stoned or blacked out and unable to consent....so never really said no.  They didn't show them enough attention.  Took constantly in the relationship and didn't give anything in return.  They said they forgave them and took them back.  They stayed.

None of these behaviors are ever acceptable reasons for an offender to abuse.  None of these reasons apply once the word "No" is uttered. None of these reasons are for someone to treat someone unkindly, or without respect, or as less than human.

There's no denying it is toxic.  And complicated.   And tragic.  And a problem that often is accompanied by layers and layers of dysfunction.  One that sometimes perpetuates, as both abusers and those who are abused continue the cycle. 

And you know, the violence is not only against women.  Many men live or are in relationships with abusers.  You may not hear about these as often.  You may not have sympathy when you do.  It gets confusing....especially when the man does not strike back.  Or especially the time he does.

Abuse against both men and women is evil.....be it mental, physical, verbal, sexual.  Pure evil.  It happens in homes of the rich, the poor and the middle class.  It happens in homes that don't acknowledge God at all, but also in homes where Christ is supposed to be at the center.  Some abusers even claim their behavior is condoned by God.  They are liars.

Sometimes it is shiny on the outside, but ugly on the inside.  You would be shocked.  Yet it continues for a lot of reasons....sometimes simply because a victim is embarrassed and unable to talk about it to anyone.   Love often gets warped and people start to think that love is a feeling or a relationship (wife, husband, girlfriend, boyfriend, mother, father, sister, brother, friend) instead of a verb - requiring consistent constant actions that show it. 

How do we know when it is not love?   I like using the definition in I Corinthians 13 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."  That should be our checklist for whether love is in a relationship.  No excuses.  (To those who know me, I will bring this definition up often.  Because I think it is important.  The word love is too often misunderstood. This list gives my brain something to focus on when my heart gets in the way.  I hope it does the same for you.)

I have known friends in violent relationships.  I have friends who have been raped.  I have worked with both young girls and young boys who had been tortured by those who claimed to love them.  Who had been ignored by those who were to protect them.  Those whose "home" is a place of belittling, of fear, of unrest, of abuse.  You can't always pick victims or victimizers out on the street.  They look like you.  They look like me.  They seem "normal" and "fine."   Sometimes they are the people we most look up to, because their mask is professionally painted on.  We have no clue.  But it's there.  The scars are ugly.  Often the behaviors are being perpetuated from generation to generation.  So much is going on around us.  But we don't want to see.  So we choose not to.

The good news is that there is help.  There are therapists around to help walk you through it.  There are places like My Sister's House in Statesville who will give you shelter and put their arms around you as you try to break through.  There is a 24-hour abuse hotline, 704-872-3403.  And www.fifthstreetministries.com has a lot of important information on their website that can help, too. 

If you are a victim, say the words to someone you trust.  Let them lead you to a place where you can find healing.  Or if you are not quite ready to trust somebody else, start your research.  Prepare a plan to get out.  And if you are out, remember to continue to work your plan to heal.

If you are an abuser, or think you may be an abuser but haven't wanted to face it, you can change.  Really.  I believe it.  But you also need to learn how to speak up and confess to someone you trust.  Change always must start with a recognition of the truth.  The abuse hotline may be a good place to start.  They will help you determine your own truth.

What do women and men deserve?  People in their lives who love them.  Who honor them.  Who aren't angry with them.  Who protect them.  Who trust them.   Who are kind to them.  If your life is less than that, it needs to get better.   The Vagina Monologues is much more than vignettes about vaginas.  It's about you deserving a life of love and peace.  Whether you live in Statesville, NC or somewhere else in our world. 

Commercials That Changed My Life

My friend Allie had to spend part of her birthday cleaning gum off of her brand new car because some careless person threw gum out of their car window.  When she mentioned it, it got me reeling.  I get very angry when people litter.  When I thought about it, I realized exactly what it traced back to.  A commercial.  The crying Indian.  Remember him?  I think I was around 10 when that one came out.  For you youngsters, or my more senile friends, it was a public service announcement on polluting the earth. An Indian, in full costume, was walking down the interstate where people proceeded to throw trash out of their car windows onto the side of the road, that was already badly littered to begin with.  Can't remember what the commercial said, but I do remember the Indian crying.  And it made me want to cry, too.  Started me being really crazy about those who litter.  Not only those who throw gum out of their windows on Allie's birthday, but those who throw out cigarette butts on a regular basis.  Or fast food bags.  Or anything really.  It's ridiculous.  Do a bit of road cleanup and you will see exactly what I mean.  It reinforces the rage.  I am forever the crying Indian's champion.  If you are in the car next to me when I see someone offending, you can read my lips.  I am probably yelling "You're making the Indian cry!!!!!"  That commercial (or technically, Public Service Announcement) impacted me for life.  (And no, I don't think the Indian was crying because he needed a ride and no one would pick him up.)  And that wasn't the only one.

Probably around that same time on network TV there was also the V.D. PSA (venereal disease, for the young, the senile and the innocent.)  Yep.  Really.  I think I still remember the words. Something like "V-D is for everybody, not just for a  few.  Anyone can share V-D, with someone nice like you."   You have to admit....it was bold.  Why did they stop airing it?  Probably because it was downright creepy.  And probably didn't quite get the message across that I think they intended.  Because the nice people (who were all white, by the way) seemed to be enjoying themselves.  (Maybe they didn't know yet?)  But still you knew something was off.  The person singing it sounded a bit haunted.  I don't want to know her story.  I know it was a sad one.  Maybe she was the only one with "the issue" and she became a serial killer.....and we were getting a preview of her victims.   I would almost prefer to believe that.  I don't want to dwell too much on all of the other possibilities.  I could go way darker and it has already scarred me.  Though having that tune in my brain, I never forgot the message! 

Then there are the sweet commercials.  "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony..."  Yeah, there were more lyrics, but we never really learned them and just sang that part over and over.  With the "It's the real thing, Coke is" chorus.   They wanted the whole world drinking Coca Cola and it worked!  I haven't been anywhere since that time where there hasn't been a Coke.   And no matter what part of the world you are in, no matter what the language, say Coca Cola with a slight accent and people smile and nod.  Hope someone got good bonus bucks for that campaign and today they just travel the world, drinking Coke, smiling and singing.  (By the way, I always wanted to be in one of those commercials.  I think that means that during that time I was cult-susceptible.)

Let's see....there was also Mean Joe Green and the little Coke boy.  And any Hallmark commercial.  And the cute singing and dancing Dr. Pepper guy.  Not sure the commercials made me buy the product, but definitely made me go "Awwwww."  And all imprinted on my heart. 

And my all time favorite....the one that you probably didn't see because it didn't run long and I think I am the only one who remembers.  I understand some literal PETA types possibly had issues with it and they might have had to pull it off the air, but still it is my favorite commercial of all time.  A little old lady vigorously vacuuming her floor, her cat at her feet.  All of a sudden the room goes dark, and you hear the terrible shriek of the cat.  And then silence, a pause, and then the peppy tagline "It's time to change your light bulbs."  OK, it was slightly dark(!), but brilliant.  (I would be friends with the writer of that commercial.)  But like the cat, it disappeared quickly.

The major commercial fail of all times....at least in my eyes....still makes me cringe.  "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never ever make you forget you're a man."  I think they were confused in their concept.  Were they selling to men or women?  Surely it had to have been the men.  Who may buy a lot of perfume, but generally only after it has been "ordered' by the women in their life.  Really...did they honestly believe we women would react well to doing all of that?  And still dress in that cute dress and spray on the perfume?  (OK, maybe some of you do....but let me break it to you.  It's not normal!)  A slight tweak would have worked for me.  If in the commercial the guy brought home the bacon, cooked it AND bought me perfume, I would then definitely make sure he didn't forget he was THE man.  Especially if he also cleaned and sewed on buttons.  And was cute. My concept would have sold a lot of perfume, trust me.  (And gotten some actor a lot of dates.)  While it hasn't quite played out in my life's reality yet, I still have hope.  But I don't want the perfume he brings me to be Enjoli.  Which shouldn't be an issue...because whatever happened to Enjoli?  Does it still exist?  Do you know anyone who wears it these days?  Or ever wore it?  Have you ever smelled it?  I didn't think so.  The power of the ad.  Or maybe the power of the people.

These days I try to avoid commercials.  I fast forward through them all, so when asked "Did you see that commercial...." my answer is almost always no.  But those were the days when we had to watch them.  No fast forwarding possible.  (Yes boys and girls, really. Once upon a time we had no fast forward, had to watch shows when they aired, had to get up to change the channel, and had to watch what was on our three networks.  That was before the smart people were born.)   But those commercials of the past that I actually watched.....they did have impact.  Though maybe not the impact intended.

I remember learning in an advertising class in college that the Whisk "Ring-around-the-collar" series of commercials was one of the most successful ad campaigns of all time.  We argued about whether the person who wrote that commercial was a sellout, since they were so obviously annoying.  I definitely thought they were. I vowed I would never be a party to writing annoying commercials, regardless of how successful they could make me.  Until my next class assignment.  Which became a really cheesy wine commercial (pun not intentional, but it works!) that got written about 1 a.m. the day it was due.  And it was very fun to write because I was tired and punchy and knew it was horribly hokey. I figured my professor (a very successful advertising executive) would see that too and give me a very deserved D.  Or maybe a C if he was in a good mood.  Which I was OK with, because I would pass my class.  I surprisingly got an A for my efforts.  He loved it, and used it as an example to my classmates on how to write a good commercial.  Read it out loud to them and spent the whole class time discussing its brilliance.  One of those embarrassing life moments when you want to shout "Quit looking at me....I know it's not good!"   Humiliating.  But only for a while.  No, that's a lie....it is still humiliating.  But it led to a lifelong lesson.  Advertising and many other things in life don't necessarily have to be very good to be successful.  Or to haunt our minds forever.

Guilt and Shame - And Other Things That Ruin Our Vision

Guilt and shame.  We all feel them from time to time.  (Or those of us who are not psychopaths.)  I'm not totally sure of how the experts would define the differences, but for me guilt is the feeling we get when we have done something wrong or perceived we have done something wrong.  We are guilty of a "crime"....or we are innocent of it.  Whether we did it or not.  Shame is the feeling we have either let others down or let our self down.  Whether we have or not.  So similar that they can almost be interchanged and often they hang out together.  And like most feelings, they don't have to be valid to be felt.  And like most feelings, what we do with them can lead to good or bad.

I believe guilt and shame have their place.  When we do things wrong we should feel guilty.  Whether people find out about what we have done or not.  The very basis of my faith is based on this principle.  We screw up.  It's in our nature.  And to try to keep up to date with sacrifices to atone for all of these screw ups, well it's a mess.  Which is why God figured out a way to make the ultimate sacrifice on my behalf.  Because if not, my whole life would be a cycle of perpetual guilt and atonement.  And in my case, not a lot of time to do much else.  Which would probably mean, with my attention span....I'd just remain guilty!   

And shame.  Sometimes I think we just may need to feel this a bit more.  People do things to hurt others, or themselves, and are defiant in their belief they have done nothing wrong. Our world has a moral code, our community has a moral code, we have a personal moral code....and sometimes when we break moral code we should be ashamed of our selves.  Because moral codes usually are born when someone infringes on the rights, or perceived rights, of others.  Sometimes these moral codes are good.... sometimes they are pure evil.  For example of a good moral code, think of the issue of child abuse, where we protect the innocents.  For a bad moral code think of something like racism, where we condemn someone for something for which they had no hand in determining for themselves. 

Denying guilt often perpetuates the problem and it enslaves us to it.  We get in a place where we are like a deer in the headlights....continuing to do wrong because of our guilt, shameful of who we have become, and so overcome by it all that we continue to make decisions that keep the cycle going.  That perpetuate that thing we did that produced the guilt and the shame in the first place.  For any sort of positive change to happen, to really get off the crazy merry-go-round, we need to admit what we have done.  To ourselves, and sometimes to someone else. Not a weak acknowledgment, but one with substance.  One that not only admits we have done wrong, but creates a plan to avoid such a thing happening in the future.  Sometimes that is not so simple, because facing up to our problems often means we have to make amends.  Sometimes our plan means we have to keep ourselves away from something that is a great pleasure in our life.  Which is difficult, even when we know that particular pleasure is destroying ourselves and/or others. 

The story of David and Bathsheba is such a perfect example of this.  In 2 Samuel 11 where the story begins comes the key verse.  It was the time that kings went off to war.  As you may know, David was king.  But where was he?  Lounging on his roof, leaving his responsibility in the hands of others.  Looking at the story now we can see time after time when David could have changed the course of things.  Instead step by step he continued to screw things up.....even seeing to it that Bathsheba's husband was killed.  It ultimately resulted in the death of David's son.  And we all have David moments and David vulnerabilities.  But how do we stop them?  We learn to recognize the cycle and set up our life so that we don't continually entrap ourselves.  We take the guilt, and the shame, and use them to learn who we are, who we want to be, where we are vulnerable, and make the changes in our life that will get us from here to there.    Living as a deer in headlights for the rest of our life will never give us a life of purpose.  It will always just lead us back to the cycle of destruction.

But that's all speaking to guilt we own.  Sometimes we feel guilty when we didn't do anything wrong.  Or feel shame because of the opinions of others or because we are personally embarrassed about something that we have done.  In these cases, we need to examine the truth of the situation, and work from there.  There's no reason to take ownership of something you haven't bought.

When feeling guilty or shameful ask yourself a lot of questions.  So what did you do or did someone say or imply that you did?  Is it against the law or against the rules of the situation or against your own beliefs?  Did it hurt someone?  Did it hurt you?  Was that hurt valid and/or intentional?  Would you expect your best friend to feel either guilty or ashamed if they were in your shoes?  Could you look God in the eye when you told him about it and feel He would be OK with it?  Do you really have a reason to feel guilty or ashamed?

We live in a world of critical people.  And we are so very critical of ourselves.  All of that criticism is not valid.  All opinions are not correct and you must weigh them yourself and see if they land on the side of truth.  Often criticism is necessary and helpful.  Even when it is delivered poorly and without sensitivity.  Sometimes feeling guilt and shame can lead to good changes in our lives.  But other times they become a personal indulgence, where we cover ourselves (or others) in them and use them as our blanket to keep us away from the world, or to gain the sympathy of the world.

Your life is worth more than either of those choices.  There is much for you to do.  Take a lesson from King David....you can really screw up a lot in your life, and still become someone described as a man (or woman) after God's own heart.  There is still time to live a life of great value.  But you have to take responsibility for your actions.  You have to remember your responsibilities.  You have to ask for forgiveness when necessary and also forgive others.  Sometimes that person you have to forgive is yourself.  But you can't stop there.  You need a plan afterward.  One that you develop in full acknowledgment of who you are and who you should and can be.   Because we have a tendency to ride the same roller coaster over and over if we don't head out to another amusement park.  Guilt and shame can consume us and ruin us.....or can be just the tools we need to wake up and make our lives better.  We get to choose how to use them.  We get to choose how we will live.

Is Fat the New 30?

Saw the title of a novel "Fat is the New 30" and it made me laugh.  And then not laugh.  Haven't read the book yet, but I think there is way too much truth in the title.  It pains me.

I remember growing up and hearing the phrase "Never trust anyone over 30."  I didn't totally understand it  much at the time, but since I think I was born hyper-analyzing most things, I did spend some time trying to figure it out.  I was rather sheltered, so the people I knew over 30 were for the most part good people who cared about other people and kept negative stuff away from children, so it was a bit confusing.  They didn't seem untrustworthy.  I never quite got it.

I learned later the "distrust" came from the student uprisings in the 60s on a wide variety of topics....Vietnam, racism, the lack of opportunity for women.  All areas I agree that those over the age of 30 at the time were not doing enough to stop.  And all areas where those students started moving our society to talk, and argue,  and work through some messy issues.  I salute these students and admire them for what they did.  But overall, I don't think it was about the age.  I think it was about the mindset. 

I believe that years often bring wisdom and perspective and an understanding that  is more developed than the young.  But for some it only results in them completely shutting the door on their mind.  So those over 30....some are to be trusted, some not.  The rule applies to those under 30, too!

But what did all of this "30" talk do to people?  It made people fear turning 30.  It made aging a horror.  It made people old before their time.  It made them obsess over  a natural process.  It made them think they needed to slow down and stop living a little.

We've since changed a bit lately about the idea of aging.  Or maybe it's just my perspective changing.  I'm aging and finding that each year seems more of a gift than a death sentence.  I know people in their 90s who are not only gifted conversationalists, but still active, vital people who inspire me every time I am around them.  And that's multiple people....not just one or two!   Life seems good and fun and to be enjoyed at any age.

But we've changed for the negative, too.  Some want to have the same body and face as their 20s.  I could say that logically that is impossible....but it actually is not impossible these days.  We have to make decisions about everything from the color of our hair, to botox, to plastic surgery.  The options are endless.  Though sometimes the results just make people look sadder and desperate (and, well, weird) rather than young.  Personally I think we have to make a happy contented face be the new goal, rather than one without wrinkles.  But I have friends who feel differently....and who want to take advantage of all of the possibilities.

And so we come to the fat.  Weight is something I have struggled with all of my life.  I never had that time when I was among the slimmest of any of my contemporaries.  And people were cruel back then.  They are so much more cruel today.  It's become an acceptable area of ridicule and discrimination.  And that ridicule doesn't start with the kids.... it starts with the adults.  I can't tell you how many times I have heard an adult insult a person with a "fat-related" adjective (and the issue they are upset about is NEVER about their weight.)  And they do this even if they are overweight themselves!  What is wrong with people?  Does pointing it out seem to be helping?  No, people are getting fatter.  We're moving less and eating more and yet obsessing about our weight all at the same time.

The last few years I have decided not to be ashamed of my body.  It's strong, it is not sick often, and it is forever changing.  More often than not these days, I think changing for the better.  I try to eat well, and with variety, and not obsess over every calorie.  I've done the obsession thing and it doesn't produce longtime results that keep me healthy.  It just gets me angry about who I am, makes me hate the way I look, and well, starts me overeating.

I also try to exercise and am trying to change my mind about hating it.  OK....I still pretty much hate running, but I love that I am improving and don't hate it every time I do it.  And if I look at where I was and where I have come, I am proud.  Not great if I compare my progress to that of others....but I have learned I don't do well when I do that.  I try to only compete against my self, and my goal is not a finish line.  It is to continue to be active throughout my life. I get to hike and kayak and bike (if there are no hand brakes involved) and do all kinds of fun things that are flat out fun!

I was out with a group of girlfriends a couple of years ago, listening to music at a local winery (Daveste....the music of Rick Edminsten, to be precise.)   Though we were celebrating my birthday, I actually knew very few of those ladies before that night.  My friend Barb has just planned an evening and since it happened to be around my birthday, it was a reason to celebrate.  Barb had brought cupcakes and every single one of the 12 ladies ate one.  You may wonder why I mention that, but it had been a long time since I had been out with that many ladies and every single one felt the freedom to eat dessert (and I don't recall it happening since.)  It still makes me smile, because I know these ladies a little better these days and what I admire about them is their joy of life.  They spend their time dancing and laughing and having fun.  Few have issues with weight, but they also are not the types who would point out yours.  Instead they would pull you out to the dance floor.  Laughing all the way.  And that spirit is what I want for both the women and men and boys and girls in my life....that we would eat lots of kinds of good food, be active together, and celebrate life.  And I have a feeling, that it would make the fat fall off, make the age not matter, and make life more fun to live.

So Why Did You Say It?

It's happened to me two times in two days.   Someone told me they would call at some appointed time, and then didn't.  It bothers me.  Not that it was important that they call me.....there really was no "need" for us to talk.  But the words were said, I said I would be available, and I felt obligated to pay attention to my phone.  Then they didn't call.  I was disappointed, and angry, and I simply can't figure out this side of a person who I want to be able to count on.  Why would they make a point of saying they would call and then not do it?   And why would they do it two days in a row.....and then not acknowledge or apologize?
 
The words we speak to others matter.  What we tell people we are going to do in the course of a day, in the course of a life, matters.  Big or little, our words are our commitments.  If you don't mean it, why say it?  

Most often it is is the seemingly "little" words that we forget.  And they get to be a habit. How about "Let's get together....I'll call you."  Somehow the call doesn't get made.  I know I have been guilty of this.  Some of you know that I have, too!

And RSVP's.  Even if you avoided learning that it stands for "Repondez s'il vous plait" (Forgive the lack of accent marks and possibly wrong spelling.....2 years of Janie Jones French only carried me so far.  But I can still play a good game of Jolie!), you should have learned by now that it means you are to tell the host whether you are coming.  Or not.  How rude are we when we don't do that by the deadline they give us?  And what does it mean?  Does it mean we are waiting for a better offer?  Or just waiting to see how we feel when that day comes around?   Or we know we aren't going to go, but just don't want to tell the person?  Or it is just not important enough for us to get to?

Have you given a party lately?  My guess is that you have run into this problem.  It is epidemic.  How are you to plan if you don't know who is going to show up?   What about the money paid for those  plates at that wedding reception, or the extra food bought and wasted because you thought they were attending?  Or for the panic that there will not be enough food and drink when extras show up?   Makes a lot of us not want to entertain!

We had a Model UN coach when I was in college that was always very excited  when we got invited to tournaments.  He was simply delighted and thought that it meant they noticed us as worthy.  We, the cynical college students, just figured we got on a mailing list somewhere.  And we laughed at him.  But in a way he was right.  An invitation is always somewhat of an honor.  It indicates someone wants your presence. (OK...maybe someone just feels obligated to invite you.  But what is to be gained by thinking of it that way?)

While the polite host will handle whatever you dish out (calling at the last minute to give your answer, backing out right before or even afterward, showing up when you had never responded at all)....if you consider that person a friend, or even someone worthy of a small amount of respect, why wouldn't you show them some courtesy and honor and kindness?

Yeah, OK.  Not RSVP'ing is another thing I have been guilty of.  Sometimes to you.  One reason is that I am really bad at keeping a social calendar and these days my mind is much foggier than it used to be.   Someone will ask about me attending something and I just can't recall if I had made other plans for that date.  Sometimes I simply forget what day it is and what I am supposed to do on that day.  Sometimes time gets away and I just forget to respond (or I don't open my mail and the invitation gets seen a month after the event!)  And then sometimes, at the last minute when it is time to go, this introvert is just nauseous at the thought of going.  It just seems exhausting to think about it!  

Take a look at all of my reasons.....or let's just call them what they really are, excuses.  They are all about me.  All selfish.  Not good enough when it comes to the kind of friend, and person, I want to be. There are always legitimate things that get in the way of us meeting obligations....and people understand that.  But more often than not, our excuse is not valid.

Our yes should be yes, our nos should be no, and our maybes.....they are a temporary placeholder.   At some point they should be turned into a yes or no.  But not after the fact. 

What you do with your words show your character.  It's OK if you don't want to call someone.  It's OK if you don't want to attend their party.  It's OK if you really don't like their outfit.  It's OK if you don't want to spend any time with them.  It's OK if you can't stand their partner and don't want to be in the same room with them.  It's OK if you don't want to volunteer to a charity.  It's OK if you don't want to babysit their kids.  It's OK if you don't want to give a Mary Kay party.

But it's not OK to say something and not follow through.  Or to say something and it not be the truth.   Or to give people hope, and crush their spirit.  Because what we say matters to people.  Whether it is big or small. Important to us or not.  Whether they tell us how they feel or not.  Whether it seems to matter to them or not.  It still matters.

As for my friend, you can probably guess.  There will be no promises of phone calls accepted for a while.  Either I am available when he chooses to call or I am not.  Not to be punitive, but because I care.  Because as his friend I have to encourage him to let his words to me count.  And as his friend, I want him to be the kind of person we all can count on.

A Game of "I Spy" With Our President

In our world today we seem to sensationalize and glorify the acts of people who have done nothing.  I love reality television, but my fascination with it is probably a bit different than most others.  I find the sociological aspects of it fascinating.  It celebrates the norm....or maybe it is more precise to say we celebrate less than the norm.  Supposedly it makes us feel really good about own dumb choices when we see someone on national TV making dumber choices for all the world to see.  For me I watch and think "What are people willing to do this for a tiny bit of fame and why?"  These silly people, often with less self-awareness and character than the average person, become household names.  Because we make them that way.  Because often we seem to celebrate it.  Which doesn't make me feel good about me at all.  But like I said,  it fascinates me because there are a lot of levels to it that say a bit of who we have become.  And I want to figure it all out, so I can figure out a solution.

Instead of glorifying the bad and mediocre, I think we need to point out the things in this world that are good, and the people who are doing them.  Keep up an ongoing game of "I Spy."  Remember that game?  I think the adult version should generally start out "I spy something good."  Or maybe we also need to add "I spy something bad" so people can identify that, too.  Because I think the lines are really fuzzy these days and for some reason people always define fuzzy as good.  Maybe we can add "I spy something mediocre" and help people see that it's not identical to good.   And for those cynics who buy into the reality tv culture and think only the tawdry is sensational and interesting, the real truth is....good does not have to be boring! 

Some of my friends are almost rabid when people use the word "hero" cheaply.  They say simply living up to your responsibilities shouldn't make a person a hero.  I agree that's probably right.  But in today's time, living up to your responsibilities has become way too rare.  Things that used to be rare, are now common.  Teaching your children right from wrong (and modeling it so they can see it in action), paying what you owe (even if it requires extreme sacrifice), looking out for the needs of the others around you, being a good neighbor, being a good employee, looking after your family and friends, noticing injustice and taking action - these have all in some ways become heroic acts to us because they now so outshine the norm.  We have lowered our standards and lowered our expectations of what we should expect ourselves to be.  Not that I am a believer in shaming people for their failures or hiding our own imperfection....but we shouldn't celebrate it either.

My personal definition is that a hero is an ordinary person who does extraordinary things when faced with a challenge.  Not the definition that others may use, but it is how I choose to define it.  As someone I admire.  From what I have seen the best heroes don't like the label, because it is inconceivable to them that simply doing the right thing can give them a title that is to them the highest level of esteem.  Which they don't see in themselves because they just see the ordinary. But our character comes out in these times of challenge and while a heroic act shouldn't cover over the rest of who we are, it does show a dimension of it....who we can be when we are put to a test.  And at times this needs to be acknowledged and celebrated.  So for me a hero, a person I admire, is someone who simply makes the right choice at the right time.  The impact of that causes ripples that travel the world.

The Presidential Citizens Medal has been given out for over 40 years to Americans who have "performed exemplary deeds of service for their country or their fellow citizens."  If you go to this site Presidential Citizens Medal you can find out about a few of the recent recipients of the award.  It strikes me that a lot of them are simply normal people, who have used their lives for others.  Many are people who have used their own personal tragedy to make a difference.  I like that we honor this.

There are a group of us who believe Ed Ristaino should be a posthumous recipient of this medal.  When faced with a challenge, he made choices that were a testament to his character.  He was piloting his hot air balloon, carrying five skydivers who were going to jump from the balloon.  When a storm unexpectedly came up (yes, it happens even with all the amazing weather prediction tools we have today), he was faced with the challenge of keeping all of them all safe.  He put the balloon in position for the skydivers to jump, and ordered them to do so.  Right then.  Even though it meant the weight of his basket would drop, which would make it even more difficult for him to land his balloon safely.  All five skydivers lived, Ed's balloon was ravaged by the storm and he lost his life.  An ordinary American who did something extraordinary when faced with a challenge.

I can argue that Ed was more than ordinary in his day to day life.  He cared for others, in both his job and in his personal life.  He got involved and helped make dreams come true.  He was not a man who was content to just exist and go through the motions.  But simply by saving the five skydivers, he let our country keep five people who in their own ways will change the our country and our world.  That one unselfish act will impact generations.  In both ordinary and extraordinary ways.

Please join us in our little game of "I Spy" by asking our President to honor Ed's memory with this award.  You can sign a petition at Ed Ristaino for the Presidential Citizen's Medal,  review the qualifications at Qualifications of Presidential Citizens Medal , or write your own letter of recommendation to bring Ed to our President's attention.  

If you aren't familiar with the "I Spy" game, just begin by telling him "Mr. President....I spy something great."  Normally then he would guess until he sees what you see.  But let's suspend the rules of the game a bit and not let this busy man just guess until he gets it right.  Give him a lot of clues so he can see what we see and quickly win the game!  I don't think in this instance it would be considered cheating.  

(Oh....and P.S.  He doesn't have to be the only one you play the game with.  Your senators, your House members.....anyone who may be able to get the ear of the president and make a nomination is a good playmate!  Here's another place to get you started....Link to Contact Info for our Elected Officials.  But remember many of them are out amongst us.  If you see them, have an in-person conversation!  And spread the word to all of your friends.  You can ignore the buzz of one little bee, but not the roar of thousands.)

Half Full or Half Empty?

I've never quite figured out whether I am an optimist or a pessimist......is that glass half full or half empty?  Each glass seems to be a bit different to me, so I can't seem to come up with a consistent answer to that question. On most days I can come by an answer easily, but while it's half full on some days it is very clearly half empty on others.  Yeah, I know.....I think I over-analyze, too.

I'd love to be an eternal optimist.  Look at the world as everything being basically good.  As everything working out in the end.  Think the odds for most things are in our favor.  See people live happily ever after.  Trust that God has got it all handled and we get to just watch and see it all play out.  And I do believe that most days.   I usually believe that at my heart level.

But then there are the thoughts in the crevices of my mind.  The lack of trust that the good will last.  The part just waiting for the days when those insurmountable problems crop up.  When I remember that we live in a sinful world.  When I see people suffering, not of their own accord, not by something that they chose to invite into their lives, but by something that intrudes upon them anyway.  It eats away what was once the beautiful life they created for themselves and totally takes over.  There is the person whose life cancer tries to steal.  There is the person who had the job they loved, they worked hard at it for 30 years, they thought they would retire from it and then come in one day and find out that it has been eliminated.  Or the person who thought they were inviting in that prince or princess into their home and it turns out to be a wolf or a witch.  It's harder to see the happily ever after in the midst of the pain.  (Yeah, I read a lot of fairy tales growing up.  So????)

When it gets down to it, though, there are days you want the glass to be half empty and there days when you want that glass to be half full.  Because it all depends on what is in the glass!  I had my first colonoscopy this year.  If you haven't had one, I promise you.....you want to believe the glass is half empty.  The fact that your mind is telling you it is half full is proof that sometimes your mind is very evil.  BUT.....when you get that pronouncement of good health or they find polyps or cancer at early stages and take them away, you remember that every drop of that nasty liquid was as a whole very, very good.  At least you remember that for a while.

Because of my polyp, I will have to have another colonoscopy in five years instead of the standard ten.  I suspect when that time comes to consume the liquid to prep for it, I will see that glass as very, very full.  And very, very gross.  So would that make me an optimist or a pessimist?  But then I think that maybe somewhere in the world today there is someone altogether brilliant, creating great alternatives for that foul liquid.  In five years they could remove that question from the equation.  I think I am going to choose to believe this will happen....which must mean I have optimistic leanings.  But I won't be surprised if it doesn't....so........maybe I am a pessimist?

Half full, or half empty....it's all a matter of perspective.   Sometimes we want the glass to be full, sometimes we want it to be empty.  Sometimes we notice the good, sometimes we notice the bad.  Someone's optimism is usually someone's pessimism.  But when it gets down to it, sometimes you just need to enjoy the act of being offered a glass, tasting what's in it, and not waste time measuring.  Instead you get to decide whether you want to drink or lay down the glass and walk away. Choices are so very often a good thing.

So now....am I a realist or an idealist?  Guess that is a subject for another day.

Coming Out of the Tomb

Today is Easter Sunday!  He is risen!  Look and see what is going on around you.  Worshipful church services (full of people who just may not have darkened that church doorstep for a while), shouts of delight as kids peruse the items left by the Easter Bunny (thanks Easter Bunny!), people deciding whether they really want to eat those Easter eggs they dyed (I usually vote no, unless they have been refrigerated), families and friends gathering and eating together.  And at the McKinney household the great annual Easter egg hunt.  We've done this since the earliest years of life of my oldest niece Sara.  As she now has three kids of her own, suffice it to say it has been a long time!  It has become my favorite family holiday activity.  Filling the eggs with little prizes, hiding them, and then the little bodies running all Nana and Grandpa's yard, searching them out.  The looks on the kid's faces, the pride of all they have found, and then the continuing celebration when they open the eggs.  You can't help smile....and laugh....and celebrate along with them.  And an added bonus....there are so many hidden, and not always found, that my dad gets to continue to find them throughout the year.  He loves that, I know.  (Hey Dad, maybe this year you'll find a money egg!)

Last weekend I went to a health symposium.  Another geek area for me....I love learning about nutrition and wellness, and exploring both theories and fact. Attended a workshop that had an interesting name....which  I can't completely recall (of course), but had something to do with "pesky weeds."  The name intrigued me.  Since I am allergic to most of the outdoors, I was hopeful it would give me natural solutions to what ails me.  But what I thought was in the egg wasn't there.

The "cute as a button" instructor Stephanie (www.botanicalmama.com) was a clinical herbalist.  She began by saying she is a believer that each season we need to detox our bodies.  But before I had a chance to roll my eyes, she said not by liquid diets or anything like that.  Instead it is by nourishing them.  She said that springing up around us naturally in God's earth are those things that we can use to bring health to our bodies.  She had a short time to speak, so she concentrated on three....violets, chickweed and dandelions.  We all probably have different opinions of their value.  Do you see them as pesky weeds, as flowers, or more?  She sees them as more and she taught us to open our eyes to the possibilities.  Yes, we ate all three during the session (I had eaten both violets and dandelions on salads in the past.  Just because they were served to me....and I was told they were edible.  But I had forgotten about this until she reminded me of the possibility and hadn't thought that these beautiful flowers in my yard could also be dinner.)  Stephanie made salads, salad dressings, pesto, teas, vinegars, bug spray....all kinds of things out of these three things that most people just mow right on over.  I have a special love for what I call wild flowers and others call weeds, so the idea that they can not only be beautiful, but also useful as a source for food, medicine and wellness....definitely got my attention.  Because it all made sense to me.  I think there is an order to the universe and we don't even scratch the surface of discovering its treasures.  Another Easter egg opened....with a pretty cool prize inside.

My friend Al commented this week that too many people get stuck on the cross as the symbol of our faith, while we really should celebrate the empty tomb.  I agree.  The gift is in the cross, but the celebration is in the resurrection.  And as we live worshipful lives, we are not to remain at the foot of the cross weeping or residing as a corpse in the tomb.  Because He is risen.  He is risen, indeed.  For us.  So we may have life.  Abundant life.  Exciting life.  Think of it like this.  God has hidden Easter eggs all over this world for us to find.  Lots of interesting, beautiful, exciting possibilities.  Little love gifts showing who He is and how He loves us, often found in unexpected places.  Go ahead.....you are His child.  Run out there and find some of those eggs......and it's OK and right to get excited by the prizes you have discovered.  If you are alive, you haven't aged out of  life's Easter egg hunt.  And the hunt and the celebration, the resurrection, continues every single day of the year!

What "He" Said.....

So I had a little run-in this week with someone that calls himself a "street preacher."   Really, all I said was that I didn't think he and I would make a good match because I didn't think our evangelism styles meshed.  I was polite.  I promise.  I didn't even go into a short explanation of my feelings of street preaching, let alone a long one.  Just said our styles don't mesh.

His response to me was that

1. I am not a Christian.  
2. My theology is off.
3. Jesus called us into action (ie street preaching) in John 3:16 and I wasn't doing what he said there.  
4. I am "religious" "God's word, not yours."  
5. I don't read my Bible;  and 
6. He (this guy) "lived it" and I "walked by".

Yeah....I responded.  I think I remained kind.  But I was pretty direct in my response.  I could have been kinder and possibly had an interesting conversation with him if he wasn't so antagonistic. But here in a nutshell are the basics of my rebuttal....

1. I am a Christian.  He may not be aware of this since this is between me and God.  But God knows it, as do I.
2. I didn't respond to the theology thing.  Yeah, my theology probably is off in some places.  But don't think he had enough information about me to make that judgment. 
3. John 3:16 talks about me believing and what God has done so I can.  Doesn't mention any other action on my part that I can find.
4. He says I am religious as God defines.  So did he mean this as an insult?  I hope I am religious God's way....but I think I fall short.  God's religion is taking care of those who need assistance - widows, orphans, etc.  I don't do it enough.  But I make an attempt!
5. Yeah, I read my Bible.  Not nearly enough.  But I do.  And I both listen to God....and talk back.
6. For me evangelism is living my life in this world.  As me, a Christian.  A pretty imperfect one.  Hopefully a pretty transparent one. 

I'm admittedly not a fan of most street preachers.  I think often it's more about them being the center of attention than it is about God being introduced to people.  I don't like to be yelled at, don't like to be taunted, don't like people assuming they know who I am and where I stand when they have never bothered to try to get to know me.  But I am not against them.  I know people whose lives have been changed by street preachers.  So while it's not usually appealing to me, I believe that sometimes they are called and used by God.  But it is not something that God has called me to do.  Yet.  If He does, there I will be.

God also hasn't called me to go door to door and tell people anything.  Just like when I hate when complete strangers yell at me in the street, I hate when people come to my door (unless they need something or have been invited.) I'm probably not always welcoming when they do.  (OK....I seldom am.)  I hope I don't turn away angels in disguise....but I also trust that if it is an angel, if I am paying attention to God, He will let me know and my door will be open! 

I also am not going to be handing out a lot of religious tracts.  And not leaving them in restaurants.  Especially if they are not accompanied by the waitperson's biggest monetary tip of the day.  Nothing wrong with tracts themselves (there are some great ones), but they're usually a bit too canned for me.  And I am still annoyed by the guy who just left me a religious tract when I was his waitress back in college.  Since God had already given me the gift of salvation, and it was only God's gift to give, he left me nothing!  And I had lots of bills to pay.  Not that tips are ever mandatory...but you would think my brother in Christ would want to help the poor college student, wouldn't you?!  (Yeah....it's been about 30 years.  I guess probably it is time to forgive the old guy, isn't it?!  I'll work on that.)

I do believe in evangelism.  For my friends who are not Christians (or who are and hate that word)....and who want to run screaming as I make that statement....don't get too scared.  I have believed in it for as long as you have known me.  The center of my life is my faith.  It's hard for you to know who I am if I start hiding this.  Just as it's hard for me to get to know who you really are, and what you believe, if you don't share it with me.  Wherever you are in your journey, whatever you believe, whoever you are, you don't have to clean up when I come around and become something you're not.  You get to be yourself.  I love a lot of people who don't believe as I believe and who aren't very much like me at all.  I like it that way.  Gives us things to talk about.  But we don't have to talk about God if you don't want to.  All people believe in something.  Some haven't quite figured out what that is.  Some have....and it isn't the same God as me.  There's something driving your choices, the way you live your life, the way you reconcile this world in your minds.  And whatever it is, it interests me.  I hope that if I am your friend, what I believe interests you.

Seems to me that God in His infinite wisdom gave us all free choice to decide what we believe and how we live our lives.  Whether we accept Him or not....it's a choice.  Would be a bit crazy if I tried to change it all to suit me...and I wouldn't, because I don't disagree with His decision.

I don't have to go preach out on a street corner to believe in the power of John 3:16.  I think Mr. Street Preacherman is kinda missing the point of that verse.  Eternal life is a free gift.  We have the freedom to accept it or reject it.   But if I accept it, I don't have to pay for it, I don't have to be good enough for it, I don't have to work it off, I don't have to fit in any sort of little Christian mold.  No matter what "he" says.
 

To Tell You the Truth......

Truth is, I am by nature a very good liar.  I can look you straight in the eyes and convincingly tell you some massive untruths.  I learned this about myself early on.....practiced it on my parents and on others for my own amusement.  Convinced one girl in junior high that President Richard Nixon was my uncle.  During Watergate maybe I should have really been ashamed of that one and recanted, but no....my stance was that he was very misunderstood and there were things about that whole affair that could not come to light for the protection of the people of our country.

My very intuitive mother would have the sense that what I said was untrue, and it infuriated her that she couldn't prove it, but my resolve was unshakeable.  I could hold out forever.....and I did.  Send me to my room, I would stay there for days.  Restrict me from all activities, I would become the household martyr.  Put me through waterboarding, and I would not budge.  (OK, maybe they didn't try that.  But only because they didn't know about it!)  I would have gone to my death before I would admit it was a lie.

But having a mother that was not only intuitive but wise, she finally figured out a way to best me.  For the long term. "That very well may be the case, and I will believe you," she would say.  "But always know that while you can fool me, God is listening and He will always know the truth."

Nope....it didn't do anything outwardly at the time she said it.....I'm a bit too stubborn for that.  The lying continued because I was a teenager and I could.  But her words did marinate in my soul. 

There also was this book from my childhood.  Sent to me from my Welsh Nana....which in itself was interesting since faith wasn't a big part of her life.  The story was of a boy who lied.  And each time he did, a piece of his heart turned black.  That is all I remember about the story.....but for some reason the image of that stuck.  And I think it gave me nightmares.

It was during my college years that I made a personal decision.  I didn't want a black heart.  Whether people believed me or not, really didn't matter.  I wanted to be a person of truth.  Someone whose word counts.   And I felt it to the point that it even went beyond whether God was listening (or a security camera was on the premises.)    It's a quality I value in others, and one of the principle values I choose to have for myself. One of the bedrocks of my life.

It's been a good decision.  And it's actually one of those things that does become more easy when put into daily practice.  You have to concentrate on the little lies most....because the subtle is what often sneaks up on us and changes who we are.

The most hurt I have been in life have been those times when people lied to me.  In some ways I think I mentally turn a piece of their heart black each time they do.  It shakes my confidence in them.  It takes a long time to really trust them again.  Maybe we never trust them to the same extent.  But one thing about lying that liars don't always realize. Very, very often people will know or suspect the truth.  Very, very often they will never let on and will even feign surprise when you confess.  Especially here in the South.   They can treat you exactly the same on the outside, but always remember who you are on the inside.

But I also try to forgive those who lie....because I know it is something that requires daily commitment and resolve.....and keeping really short accounts.  And yeah......because that plank in my own eye is pretty darn big.  Left out of control lies create wildfire in your life.  Sometimes when you are standing in the middle of wildfire, you just stand paralyzed and don't know your way out.  Eventually you will see the way....or it will destroy you.  I think the only way out of lies is to go overboard with truth.  And I don't think that anyone can rescue you.  You have to do it yourself.

So I try to be truthful at all times, even with the small things.  I'm not the friend you go to to hear the lies you want someone to tell you.  (But it's OK.....you have plenty of other people in your life for that if it is what you need.)  I will not tell you that you did a good job if you didn't.  I will not tell you that is was OK to be unkind to someone when it wasn't.  I will not tell you that your butt does not look big in the jeans if it really does. (I will instead condemn the person who designed those stupid jeans....what were they thinking?)  I will try to help you figure your way out of the wildfire.....while remembering that I can't rescue you from it.  But let me tell you in advance that my advice will generally require much confession and truth-telling!  Especially with yourself.

I still have the sense of humor where I just may tell a tall tale for the sake of humor. I'm sometimes surprised when I find out that people actually believe them and have actually even learned to watch this a bit with vulnerable hearts.  Because I have had people come up years later and believe something that I thought was clearly evident was said in jest.  So let me confess now.  When I worked at Pilot Life in the 80s, I was not best friends with the President's daughter and was not in her wedding.  The stories of all the parties I attended for the event were pure fabrication.  Mr. Stephens hugged me and kissed my cheek when he came by for the Christmas handshakes that year not because I was a close family friend, but because my friend Allison and I sent him a musical Christmas card.  Because we thought it would be funny.  And then he referred to me as "the other one" when I looked over the wall at Allison's cubicle when he was thanking her by name, and he could tell I was a bit miffed.   ("The other one"?  After I went all over that mall looking for the cheapest musical Christmas card I could find???)  So I got more than the typical handshake. (Funny man, he.  And after I had lotioned up my hands!)  Oh....and I never planned to get married during those years, even though I planned my wedding a lot of times.  It was the claims department.  I had to do something to break up the monotony of paying claims.  The Halloween wedding shower I was given was actually my going away party from my claims unit, who loved my Halloween-themed wedding the best, and had an odd sense of humor like me.  Noone ever expected me to use those feather dusters, toilet brushes and other cleaning products....and they really didn't expect my future husband was going to either (as I proclaimed this wonderful imaginary groom-to-be would, as I opened those gifts.)  And the red long johns were not really going to be used for my honeymoon lingerie.  Lies, lies, all lies.  Gee....this is all just in a short time period.  Maybe I need to start writing a book of "Tall Tales I Didn't Think Anyone Would Ever Believe.....But Found Out Later They Did."  It seems I may have lots of material.

How I Am Different...the Prelude

So I have a little Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD).  OK, maybe more than a little.  That means a few focus problems.  Issues with long speeches.  Trouble with concentrating on just one thing at a time.  Being totally overwhelmed with what to do with all of the paper in my life, so usually it just gets stacked up and ignored.  Sometimes being overwhelmed with too much going on around me so I can't focus...and sometimes just relaxed in the chaos because it seems like my normal.

And I have a little dyslexia.  That means I turned a few letters around when I was learning how to write.  It took me forever to figure out which shoe belonged on which foot.  I can't conceive of North-South-East-West.  And I can't reverse mirror images in my mind (causing hours of entertainment for my family members as they recount and act out "Kim Trying To Use A Curling Iron" and the interesting looks that have come as a result.)

And then there is my hand/eye coordination.  Pretty pathetic.  My handwriting is often illegible.  Things like sewing, knitting, crocheting, making stained glass, untangling or making jewelry, cutting a straight line or drawing anything that resembles my intent.....all miserable failures.  As some of you can attest.  If you can stop the hysterical laughter.

While these things were evident early on in my life, they were never defined as a disability.  Had I seen doctors and been diagnosed, they surely would have been.

Learning to write was a major issue - I remember crying in my early years of school because I wanted to write perfect letters every time, but the cross between dyslexia and my hand-eye coordination meant even my best efforts were C work.  And since my parents saw the struggles, Cs for handwriting were always fine and treated as a far bigger deal by me than them.

Reading should have been a struggle, but I don't believe it ever was.  Having parents that read to me helped.  I loved stories and being able to discover them for myself must have been one of my all time biggest thrills.  I might have had to work harder at the start....but who knows what is normal when you are that young?  It was worth whatever effort it took.  Once I got going, it was my greatest joy.

Throwing a ball and things like that were certainly issues, but it was all attributed to me being unathletic and uncoordinated, not to anything like "poor hand-eye coordination".  And in the miserable picking of teams... yep, I was always at the end.  High school biology....a nightmare.  Not because of the crayfish and frogs we had to dissect, but because we had to draw what we saw and pass a test based on that!!!!

Now I am well into my adult years.  Nothing has really changed.  Those qualities are still there and if you look for them, they are readily visible.  They will always cause issues for me at times.  I once mentioned having ADD to a a boss, and was told I shouldn't say that out loud where others could hear.  I was told that it would make people think I was not a capable employee.

As you might guess, that didn't stop me.  In fact, it made me resolve to help people understand.   There are benefits to these "deficiencies."  The ADD has made me a really good and creative problem solver.  My mind can easily brainstorm a list of potential solutions.  I am not an "in the box" thinker....my mind can't keep focusing on that box and always wants to venture to the outside!  I can juggle multiple projects at one time and move from one to another with ease.  And I work pretty quickly....I have to finish before my attention span runs out!

There are problems - for example. I make more than my share of clerical errors and can't see them as mistakes afterward.  Since I work with detailed information a lot, and a slight of hand can mean millions of dollars of difference for my clients, I've learned to find people who are meticulous at proofreading....they check my work with open eyes, knowing every letter, every number matters.  I will hear a phone number, write it down wrong, and then even if someone repeats it back to me and I check it, I will see those wrong numbers as the correct ones I heard.  So I learned to focus on one digit at a time instead of the number as a whole.  It's probably turned into a strength now....I pay attention.

The dyslexia....well, not a lot of benefits, but how often do we need to to reverse mirror images?  I have learned that short straight hair is me!   I have GPSs, so I can find my way around.  Except when that crazy woman tells me to go North, South, East or West....in which case I just keep driving until she begins with rights and lefts and "Make a U-turn immediately."

My hand/eye coordination....my handwriting is seldom seen.  And a messy signature.....isn't that imperfect scrawl much cooler than one that is perfectly handwritten?  (It is if we all agree it is!!!)  And no one expects me to draw anything.....all of my nieces and nephews learned quickly they could draw it much better than me. How I have helped their self-esteem!  The lack of athletic ability?  Only because I never thought I had it.  While the hand-eye coordination is off, not all sports require that.  And for the ones that do, I possibly could have mastered them if I had given them a chance.


We all have some sort of shortcomings, some sort of disability. Things that have probably been with us from our youth that we were ashamed of.  Often we try to hide those things that are very much a part of who we are.  But they impact our lives daily, and can cause so much stress when we hide them.  But if you are looking at them from one angle and seeing them as negatives, cut your eyes to a different angle and figure out how you can make them your greatest assets.  As in most things, we first have to acknowledge them.  And see how they impact our life.  And figure out how they can go from a deficit and instead be some of the best parts of who we are.

I love the term "differently abled."  Because we all are!  Different and unique and special and worthwhile.  Not one accident among us.  We were created not just to exist, but for purpose.  "For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10.)  We need to keep our eyes open for these good works and get them done! 

And have you noticed we weren't all created and put on our own little planets to do these things?  We were put here to work at it all together.  You cover my deficiencies and I will try to cover yours.  You try to help me see how my deficiencies can be assets and I will attempt to show you the same. Good works await us.....and we can accomplish them together.  The whole "differently abled" lot of us.  That's why we were made just the way we are and why we are here, together.