A New Year of Auld Lange Syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And auld lang syne?

Chorus

For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne.
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.  

 

I found myself singing this song this week, as we do at this time of the year.  I know this is a song of the Scots, but even with my Welsh heritage I realized I didn't really know what most of it means.  I knew it is talked about remembering the past and moving on to the future (I saw "When Harry Met Sally") and also picked up there's a bit of drinking going on there.  But why that song to end and start each new year?

I've always been a bit cynical about New Year's, but yet I also get a bit emotional. I'm pretty sentimental and personally I want to hang on to the old year.  The moving forward stuff... I'm not always sure that is what I want to do.  Not that I am opposed to change.  I rather like it.  But a whole new start?  Nope....not usually what I want.

I don't like resolutions and don't ask me to make any.  Resolutions aren't usually good for me.  I'm a rebel.  If I set myself up with a lot of "have to's," after a while they get on my nerves.  They become chores....regardless of what they are.  Even if I was the one to make the "have to" list.  Oh, I would keep the stupid resolutions, but I would grow to hate them.  As soon as the year was over, they would be gone by the wayside.  I don't like to make promises and not keep them, and while that is the New Year's tradition for others, it's not a habit I want to get into.

Yes, I do plan to do some things better.  December is a time when I fall out of a lot of routines (some because of my own negligence, some because we stop everything for the holiday) and really....do I need to spend all of my year eating whatever I want and not exercising?  But I am not giving up sugar in January as many others are, I am not going on a strict diet, and I am not putting immense pressure on myself to come up with bunches of new workout goals.  I want to live my life in moderation.  I want to eat well, because I feel better when I eat well.  Plus, having been raised with a good foundation of nutrition, I crave healthy food.  I want to eat at home more, and not in restaurants often, because I eat healthier when I am at home.  And I want to get in better shape....because I want to fight this aging stuff.  It's time....I have neglected it long enough.  But I will not make promises about it and put myself under any crazy pressure.  

I'm signed up to run a 10k in April, and I want to run all of it (or at least most of it), so I will probably do a decent job of getting back on track with my running.  But I also plan to drop my Y membership....I am not going and find that for me it's not what I need right now.   I need to be realistic about what is working for me and how I can make things easier for myself.  And I need to be responsible with my money and not spend it on things that I am not using.

 

It would be great if I made a resolution to completely clean my house during 2013 and actually follow through, but we all know me....if I have two choices and one is cleaning my house, I will almost always choose the other.  I don't honestly see that changing.  My closet needs to be cleaned out....there are clothes I have not worn in ages, and probably never will again, but there they sit.  They take up space and I selfishly hoard them.....when someone else just may like them or need them.  But still....while I want to take care of that, I will not promise to do either of these things.

While no true resolutions will be made by me, when I looked up the modern translation for the lyrics to Auld Lange Syne,  I decided I like the attitude of the song.  One thing I can resolve going into the new year is to try to keep to its spirit. 

Long, Long Ago (Auld Lange Syne....in our English)

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
From long, long ago?

Chorus
And for long, long ago, my dear
For long, long ago,
We'll take a cup of kindness yet,
For long, long ago

And surely you'll buy your pint-jug!
And surely I'll buy mine!
And we'll take a cup of kindness yet,
For long, long ago.
(Chorus)

We two have run about the hills
And pulled the daisies fine;
But we've wandered many's the weary foot
Since long, long ago.
(Chorus)

We two have paddled in the stream,
From morning sun till dine;
But seas between us broad have roared
Since long, long ago.
 (Chorus)

And there's a hand, my trusty friend!
And give us a hand of yours!
And we'll take a deep drink of good-will
For long, long ago.

So, on this New Year's Eve I will remember those I have loved who no longer live on earth.  I will be grateful for the times we shared and remember that the great gift they left with me was not anything material, but instead was the memories we built.  I will try not to feel cheated for the days we didn't get, or regret what we didn't do, but instead appreciate the precious moments that we lived together.  And when I do things that they would have enjoyed, or something they would appreciate brings them to mind, I will smile to them.

I won't forget those I love who are still around and will try to increase the memories with those who care to join me (I have learned that this is something I can't force anyone to do.)  We will travel the world, we will run, we will walk, we will wade, we will paddle, we will pick the flowers, we will eat, we will drink, we will work, we will increase the kindness, we will lend a hand when needed.  We'll be good friends and good neighbors and good family members. And we will smile to each other.

I will continue to work on that relationship with my "auldest acquaintance"...the God who made me and try not to be a stranger.  I will take the hand that is offered and not do it all alone.  I will accept the love and the gifts given and will smile with gratitude.  

The years pass too quickly, but each new one we get is precious.  This should be the year we live how we would live if today really was precious to us.  Extremely precious...worth something.  Because it is, isn't it?  It is my new year's hope for you.  For us all.  In memory of those who left this earth before us, and even today teach us how to live well.

Happy (and precious) New Year!!!

The Longest Birthday Party

I was my normal slack self this year when sending out Christmas cards.  I had the cards (actually a huge collection leftover from past years...need some?  Call me.), I bought the stamps (Need some?  Call me!), but I probably only sent out 10 cards.  I used to stress about my tendency to do that....Christmas cards were often my only way to keep in touch with certain friends.  I've learned to roll my eyes at that concept and now I try to keep it all in perspective.  I try to not to box myself into having to communicate with everyone at only this time of the year, but try to do better at making contact with those I care about throughout the year.  I am not amazingly successful at this yet (and cards and letters....don't seem to be getting written by me at any time of the year!), but still I am getting  better at staying in contact or touching base with some of the people who are important to me a bit more often (thanks Facebook....you help a lot, as does having a car that can travel!)   It's my goal to improve these times of contact in my life, because I know a lot of incredible people who lift my spirits and make me live better....it is a great gift to myself.  (So OK...maybe I am not always thinking of others!)  Hopefully it is also something enjoyed by my friends (and family.)  But I also acknowledge that people can come in and out of our life for certain periods of time, and timing and desire for a relationship must be right for you both.  We have different kinds of relationships with lots of different people....and that's OK.  Some people are meant to be our close and constant friends (and we can only realistically have so many of these), while others for different reasons and seasons.

I've been thinking lately how my thoughts are changing similarly about Christmas.  The day is not as important to me as it used to be.  Don't get me wrong....I still absolutely love it, find it really meaningful and think it is one of the most enchanting times of the year.  But I also think perhaps celebrating Christ's birth only one day a year is sort of like keeping your contact to people limited to Christmas cards.  It's just not enough for the place of honor He deserves. If we women get a birthday month (thanks to the proclamation of my dear friend Debbie Hartman), then Jesus should get a year of birthdays.  (Sorry men. The rest of you just get a day.  Don't blame me....it's just the way it is!)

So here is my proposal.....in these last days of 2012 and every day in 2013, we try to spend some time celebrating the birth of Jesus every day.   No major blow out party required....in fact, I think He would prefer we keep a lot of the celebrations private.  But we need to take a little special time every day to tell Him "I'm glad you were born."

So how would we do that?  Here are some things I am thinking.  Some days we just need to have a conversation with our brother (Jesus...not my brothers Scott and Derek....not that it wouldn't be great to have more conversations with them, too!)  A few minutes where we really are truthful with Him about what we think, and what we feel, the purpose He has given us, how we're doing fulfilling that purpose, and what's really going on in our lives.  You don't have to use church-y words, or the language of King James..... let's face it, if we did that with our other brothers they would think we were insane.  Jesus would, too.  OK, maybe He wouldn't see us as insane....just a little....slow.  He speaks modern day English....and wants to meet us where we are today.  He wants us to be authentic with him.....and that is difficult to do when you are trying to play the stilted part of people of yore or pretend to be some spiritual soul He knows you are not.

As we talk, we also need to listen what He's saying.  One-sided conversations don't make for a healthy relationship and certainly don't celebrate the one to whom we are talking.  So we need to both talk, and listen.  It's not a close relationship if you just sit back and listen and don't share what you think....and it's not a close relationship if you just talk without letting anyone else get a word in.  There must be balance, sharing, giving and receiving.

We need to read and write letters.  I love to get letters.....I am terrible at writing back!   But this is another side to getting to know someone.  His love note to us is the Bible....we should read what He has written as if it was written just for us (because it was) and we should reply.  No better way to think and digest and learn and watch the wisdom of those words come to life.  Let's face it....some of it is confusing and confounding and we read it and we have questions.  Other parts are insightful and life-changing and help remind us how to live.  To write back makes us take a few minutes to reflect on what He tells us and continue to learn more about what He is really saying.

We need to give Jesus gifts.  What do you give to the one who owns it all already and just shares it with you?  If you look at everything that way, it can change your life.  Your money.....if you think Jesus as the benevolent benefactor of all of your money, would you spend it differently?  He tells us we should give hilariously.  I love the idea of that.  You know what it is like when you are with a friend and it begins as funny, and then moves to hilarious.  You can't stop laughing, you do things that don't quite seem "normal" to others who may be watching, you celebrate life with abandon.  That is how we should give.  Not turning off our brain and giving carelessly or unwisely, but giving in ways other people may not consider.  Noticing people....and needs.....and fulfilling them.  Sharing our His stuff.  And sometimes not giving even though you feel pressured,  because you don't agree that is where He wants your His money to go.  Hilarious feels good.  It feels comfortable.  You don't quite hold on to your propriety....you lose control a bit, but freefall into a good place.

We give without caring about what we get back.  We give when noone else knows it is going on (just a private moment between us and the gracious benefactor.)  And we give from what we have.....we don't steal or borrow from others or go into debt for it (but it is permissible, though not usually necessary, to give everything that is "ours" away!).  If you are respecting the benefactor of that money, you learn to understand needs and wants,  learn to live within your means, and realize that failure to be financially responsible is an affront to what He expects of you.

If money is the only gift you give, you're missing out on a lot of other gift giving opportunities.  For some, giving money is really easy, but giving time is really, really difficult.  It may require we hang out with people that get on our nerves.  It may require we give when we would rather be on our couch watching TV or only spending time in the company of our family or close friends.  It's invasive to our life.  We can more easily tell when we make money our god (because that is what makes us pant with thirst and we never seem to have enough), but a bit harder when our god is our time.  If we are giving our time, we are making a sacrifice.  If it is too easy or if our time is not a currency, it's not a gift.

We can also gift our strengths.  We all have them.  If you aren't sure what yours are, ask your friends and family.  If they have a difficult time coming up with some, find new friends.  Keep the family, but recognize that maybe they have so much of their own stuff going on, and they aren't really noticing or appreciating the special things about you.  So....like I said before, find new friends and ask them.  Or even better, think about it yourself.  You are the one who can probably best see your strengths, if you actually look.  Sometimes we won't acknowledge the things that we do well....so we keep them hidden and don't use them for any purpose.  It's misplaced humility.  But when we acknowledge them, and look for ways to use them, we are celebrating a gift we have been given.  To actively look for ways to share them with family, friends, and even strangers, we celebrate our gift of life even more.

And don't forget about gifting your weaknesses.  This is the one thing that God seems to want to use in my life more than anything else.  (Possibly because I was blessed with extra.)  It's amazing the way my weaknesses have at time become strengths.  There's really no secret to why it ends up working so well.  There's that great verse (II Corinthians 12:9) where Paul relays a conversation with Jesus "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"  Paul's conclusion?  "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  When we put ourselves out there and do things that are hard for us, things that we 't don't easily excel in, things hat don't come naturally to us, it's a chance for the very spirit of God to empower us.  He likes to show His stuff that way.  (So that's why this introvert so often gets put into situations where she has to be a people person.  Why sometimes why my extrovert friends are put in a position where they have to do things on their own.  Why the quiet person needs to speak up and why the person with lots of opinions needs to sometimes keep them to themselves and just listen.)  We can go from a place of scared to death, to feeling empowered just by being willing to put ourselves in those situations.  As with our strengths, gifting our weaknesses requires we know what they are.  Jesus works best in people who look inward and get to know themselves.  It's the first thing we have to do before we can call ourself a follower of Jesus.  We have to see ourself as a sinner.  Hard to acknowledge sometimes...we'd prefer to grade on a curve.  But we must, or often we find ourselves in a dull and unrewarding life.  A Christian who thinks, listens, and then acts, finds themself living a life of fulfillment and adventure.

Another gift is spending time with people who call Jesus friend.  Sometimes you need to invite them to the party.  Many of you probably know, this can sometimes be difficult for me.  Some of His friends are lovely and fun and time with them is a great gift.  But others.....well, frankly I don't like them.  It's easy to dismiss these people and say "They don't really know Him."  But as our friends have quirks and aren't perfect (well, mine are amazingly close....but yeah, let's be honest... you know you all have issues!), so do Jesus'. Even so He sees something in them and sometimes we need to find out how that is.  Sometimes we need to love them, and accept them where they are, and trust that spending time with Him (and maybe with us!) will change them.  When we hang in there long enough to see that change happen, it is one of the party favors He brings to the celebration for us.

And then there are those who aren't friends with Jesus.  Sometimes we need to introduce them.  If we enjoy Him, and see that relationship to be the catalyst for everything in our life, the  center of who we are, shouldn't it be natural for others to know that?   It's tough in today's world.... many people want to think of faith as a personal thing, which means they bristle when it comes up in conversation.  But I don't understand that...how can it be personal, if we are building real relationships?  If we don't share our core beliefs with someone, do they really know us?  Are we really their friend?  No need to get preachy (maybe someone will respond to that, but most of us hate it) or get on your precious Christian soapbox and make it all about you, but there's also no need to be an undercover Christian.  Sharing should be natural and easy and comfortable.  But telling your story isn't enough...you've got to be willing to let the other person share their life with you.  You should listen when they share the center of their heart, and get to know where they are coming from.  Jesus cares about all kinds of people....those who think the way He does and those who don't have a clue.  And He has given people free will to choose....who are we to try to take that away from them?  Those who don't accept or believe in Jesus are not a surprise to Him.  He loves them and is gracious to them....and we should be, too.  One of the most freeing things in my life was learning it is not my job to convict people of their sin or "save" them.  The Spirit of God takes care of that quite nicely.

When we throw a big birthday party, we need to be a good host.  We need to notice our guests and be concerned about their needs.  We need to not be so wrapped up in "doing" that we forget "experiencing."  We should take the time to eat the cake, to drink the beverages, and to enjoy those that have come.  You need to honor the guest of honor, and honor to the other guests that are with you.  All will enjoy themselves more if you are  taking time to join in the celebration.  It's OK to enjoy the party favors that have been provided by the guest of honor....the party is for Him, and it is His privilege.  He is delighted when you like them.  It's especially fun that these little gifts have been placed all over your world, so you can be on a scavenger hunt that never ends.  Every day you can discover something else He has hidden just for you.

As we celebrate the birthday of Jesus, we should celebrate the gift of His life....and at the same time the gift of our own life.  To live a lackluster life is an act of ingratitude for the very gift we have been given.  As Jesus was created to live a life of purpose, so were you.  You are unique, you are special, you are needed on this earth.  You are not meant to just take up space or keep busy with meaningless things.  If you are feeling purposeless, if you are not feeling joyful regardless of your circumstances, if you are uninvolved with life, you've got to regroup.  If you are overwhelmed or overextended or feeling alone, you've got to regroup.  If you are living solely on your strengths and not doing hard things that scare you, you've got to regroup.  Most of al, if you can't describe your life as amazing and awe-inspiring, you're doing it wrong. You were not created to feel like you are carrying weights around all of the time....you've got someone around who will take those out of your hands and off your shoulders and carry them for you.  But you have to loosen your clutch on them.  You need to be free from those burdens and ready to relax in the knowledge that you don't have to handle them alone.

Jesus has already given His birthday gift to you.....and it is a gift of a lifetime.  Don't give it back to him unopened and unused.  Don't leave it on a shelf.   While it is a precious and fragile gift, it's intended for every day use.  So use it.....and use it well!

Merry Christmas, my friends.  You may not get your cards for a while, but I'm going with the notion that they can be sent out at any time!  May the spirit of Emmanuel ("God is with us") be with you all year long.  And happy birthday, Jesus!   I'm glad you were born.  Thank you that even though it was your own party, you made it all about me and gave me the best gift.  I love you and I am glad you are in my life.

Now....what should we do tomorrow to celebrate?

Stopping the People Hunters

I don't like guns.  I didn't grow up around them, I am not comfortable with them, and in my personal experience far more innocent people have been hurt by them (either their own or someone else's) than have been saved by them.  But that being said, I am not against people having guns.  While they were not in my home, I grew up in an area where most people had them.  I remember guns on racks in the back of trucks in high school where people had been hunting in the morning before school or were going hunting afterward.  Taking Hunter Safety was a mandatory part of PE in my high school in 9th grade.  I was amused when I  received my bright orange hunter safety badge.  I knew even then there was no need of me ever needing it (as hunting has never appealed to me), but evidently the school thought it was something we all needed to know.  (I think I still have the badge....somewhere.) Growing up I didn't fear those who had guns.  The idea of someone hunting another person seemed ludicrous. At this point in my life, however, the idea of guns in certain hands does scare me.   Someone hunting people has become less fantasy and more reality.

I am personally in favor of stricter gun control laws, but I know that they can only do so much. Even with very tight gun control laws, I think the CT tragedy probably would have still happened.  There are already so many weapons in circulation and in that case especially they were readily available.  And unfortunately, there is always someone willing to sell them or lend them to the most unbalanced of people.  Still I can't help but believe that if we can find ways to make guns less accessible or harder to find, maybe sometimes we can prevent such things.  Sometimes buying just a few extra seconds gives a person time to change their mind or for their rage to dissipate.  But still, when someone wants to kill, there are plenty of types of weapons they can use to kill.  Even their own hands.

In my mind the CT tragedy is less about guns and  more about our country's failure to pay attention to its people.  When I say country, I am not talking about our government.  I am talking about me.  I am talking about you.

I can't help but think we are living in a world with a lot of  mentally unbalanced people.  More than in the past?  Yeah, I think so.  It's scary.  So scary that I think a lot of us turn our head to it.  We don't know what to do, so we do nothing.  Except maybe avoid those who appear to be unbalanced...and their family members.  But won't it be less of a problem if we get involved?  Parents are struggling all over the place with their children.  We often let them struggle alone.  We walk over the homeless laying in a stupor in the street. We don't notice the child that is living next door that is being molested.  We don't know that our elderly friend is being abused by their own children or left to fend for themselves in unsafe and unsanitary  conditions.  We turn up our nose at the drug addict or the alcoholic....after they pass the point of light entertainment.  We ignore the child that is left to raise themselves or show our disgust when they don't act the way that "good" kids do.  People are hurting and hiding everywhere.... and sometimes just because we don't ask them what is going on.  We see or hear of something happening to someone, and think to ourselves "Somebody should do something!"  We forget that we are somebody.  After incidents happen we say "Someone should have done something."  Meaning someone other than us.

We certainly have excuses.  We're busy in our own lives....there's enough on our plates to keep us busy and we don't have time for more.  We don't want to interfere.  People tend to keep their struggles a secret and don't want to "bother" other people.  We have no experience.  We have too much experience - it brings back unpleasant memories.  We don't know what to do.  It's a private matter.  No one has asked us for help.  It's their own fault.  It's their responsibility, not mine.  The church should do something about that.  We have government programs that should take care of it.  That's why we pay taxes.  It's not my job.  I am off duty.

But we need to notice our world and not stay so caught up in ourselves.  We need to see those around us.  We need to be advocates for those who need advocates.  We need mental health conditions to be better diagnosed.  We need to remove the stigma of the words "mental health condition."   The number of conditions that fall under those words are a very broad spectrum.  We need to realize that those words do not always mean insanity, do not always mean abnormal, do not always mean dangerous.  Sometimes they just mean a different way of viewing the world.  Sometimes they can mean a person is more advanced or more skilled than average.  Sometimes they can indicate a strength and not a weakness.  Should we study the list of conditions, I suspect most of us could find something there that describes us sometimes. 

We need our country's medical schools to provide more focus on training medical providers to better recognize mental health conditions and help shepherd people to treatment. We need that treatment to be available.  We need it to be accessible.  We need it to be affordable.  We need it to be a priority and not just a footnote. We don't need it to be a responsibility of our teachers or our school system.  Granted they may often have to be the ones to notice when there are possible issues (because who else is really watching the kids these days?), but they shouldn't bear the burden for figuring out the diagnosis, treatment and solutions.  That is not their job...and we shouldn't make it their job.  It also shouldn't be expected that parents will intervene for their children.  In a perfect world they should notice when something is wrong and they should attempt to get help when necessary.  But just because they are parents it doesn't mean they will acknowledge it or notice it.  Sometimes they are the people who are the least likely to notice when an issue crops up.  They are either too close to the child and don't see the gradual changes in them....or they can't bear to acknowledge it.

I particularly think we need to pay attention to young men.  How do we intervene before they get to crisis point where violence happens?  We are fairly good at explaining to young women about the changes that go on in their bodies around puberty and in their teen years, but from what I can tell we don't do nearly as good a job of explaining it all to boys.  Maybe because they "mature" a bit later, and the changes are a bit more subtle, we tend to ignore it or joke about it and think it is only about facial hair and deeper voices.   Many boys tend not to be talkers.  They'll tune you out and grunt in reply.  But estrogen and testosterone....they can rule the life of a teenager.  This is natural, this is normal, but there can be imbalances and surges that aren't normal.  Hormones can make you feel like your body is being controlled by a crazy person...and often these feelings don't get mentioned to adults because they don't know know how to articulate the feeling.  Once you start feeling like a crazy person for a while, you start to become a crazy person.  You start doing things that may make you feel less crazy (drugs, alcohol), not realizing you are making the problem worst.  If you don't realize that this "abnormal" could possibly be "normal", you probably don't realize that you can be helped.  So we need to talk about it and keep the lines of communication open.

Yes, maybe some of these boys who have been the killers in some of these incidents had severe biological mental problems...defective places in their brains.  I don't know.  But even if that were the case, I can't help but think we could have stopped these things from getting out of control if we only had paid attention and gotten them help.

I am floored when I hear people who think the solution to preventing another Sandy Hooks massacre is to arm our teachers.  It shocks me that people think putting guns in our schools would result in a better environment for our children.  Do they wear holsters on their hip?  How long before it takes a child to pull it out as they walk by?  How long before a teacher mistakes a situation and shoots an innocent by accident? And would they really have time in the event of a crisis like that to use a weapon?  This solution sounds more horrific to me than the problem....and I consider the problem horrifying enough. Are we going to make teachers become law enforcement officers in addition to teaching school?  Some evidently think so, and probably also think we don't need to pay them an extra nickel to do it.  What lessons are we really teaching our kids if we allow our communities to become a series of armed fortresses?

Like most of us, I have so many thoughts going through my head right now. We live in a sinful world and I know that it should be no surprise to me that these things happen.  But I also know this is not what God wants for our country.   I think He expects more out of each one of us.  To be truthful, I really don't want to get involved.  I'm one who feels inadequate to the task.  I'm tired of all that needs to be done and overwhelmed by the problems I see around me.   I know of situations where I should have intervened and failed to.  Would I do it differently knowing what I know now?  I can't say.  I don't have any good answers to the problem and that just frustrates me.   I am a sinner who quite often is more comfortable being blind to it all.

Still, I do trust God and I do know that these problems are nothing new.  They seem new because they are happening in our lifetimes., because media brings them to our hometowns and focuses on them for a long while. The types of weapons available to common people makes things particularly horrific.  On TV we actually see the faces, we hear the voices of parents and children and community members.  It snags your heart, it obsesses us.  We live in a fallen world....but should we just end it there and accept the depths to which we all fall?  No....we should see what we can do to get up and enact change and make it better.  Because it can get better.  And it is in trying to make it better that some of our purpose lies.

It does take a village to raise a child. Let's not sit back and leave it to the village idiots. Let's notice the children, notice our neighbors and get involved.  There is help out there.  Not enough help, but maybe if we fight for it to be more available, we can see a change in our lifetime. We'll all be better, and both children and adults safer. 

Finding My Oasis

Life has been a bit crazy as of late.  I'd even go as far as to say there has been a fair amount of drama.  Not an abundance of the  kind caused by people who want attention and act out until they get it (though there has been a bit of that), but mostly the drama caused by the realities of life.  Sick friends and family, death and dying, people I love who are unhappy in their lives, work that seems to test me and confound me, relationship issues, time shared with good friends and family, crazy personal challenges, great adventures, and opportunities to support people and causes I believe in.  A lot of bad, tempered by a lot of real good.  Overall it has reminded me that I have an excellent life, a rich life, a life based in reality and not in fantasy, but also there just aren't enough hours in the day to do all that I want to do.  It's like the never-ending feast.....but as with most feasts, you have to watch out for the signs of over-indulgence.

I've found myself exhausted at times.  Exhausted to the core of my marrow.  Feeling like I can't do the things that must be done, the things that I believe are uniquely prepared by God for me to do.  That I can't fully give all that I need to give.  Not just the negative situations, but the positive ones, too.  Committed to doing something that you know you will enjoy, or that you know will be fulfilling, but not knowing whether you have another ounce of energy to give to it.

I am an introvert who has often been called to be an extrovert.  The definitions of introvert and extrovert seem to get confused by many people.  It's not about how much time you spend around people, it's not about how much you like people, it's not about whether you are quiet or loud, whether you are shy or outgoing, or whether you are the center of attention or the person in the corner - it's about where you get your energy.  What refreshes you and brings you life.  Some people are refreshed from other people - they feed on their energy and it invigorates them.  They need constant feedings of people time, and this fuels them.  They are an extrovert. They say that this accounts for about 60% of people.

Others get exhausted by people time.  They need to retreat into themselves - they need time to breathe and think and gain strength from within.  They don't necessarily need to be physically alone.....they may drift away in the recesses of their mind even if people are around.  They can be in the midst of a crowd, but even then may have to take time to shut out the noise and regroup internally.  I'm one of these people.  I am an introvert.

I remember growing up and having to escape.  I was one of five children, in a house that was very loud and active, and there were always people around.  Those who know me know that even then I was one of the loudest in the household, so the noise level was no indication of my introvert status.  My need for personal refreshment was.  I was a big reader, so that was often my mode of relaxation and recuperation.  It still is.  We had a living room that was seldom used and a chair in there that was pushed up to align with the couch, so there was a little cubbyhole behind.  That was my place, along with our powder room where you could go undetected for long periods of time (especially if you pretended to clean it.)  Anywhere that I would not have to engage with others.  I would take a book and read for hours on end.  Sometimes hiding from my parents, who thought I needed to be outside playing more than I was.  They were probably right.  But then again, even then I knew I needed "me" time.

When I tell people I am an introvert, they never seem to believe me, until they spend long periods of time with me or have known me for a lot of years.  I have had houseguests stay for long periods of time and not understand how I can sit in front of my computer for hours and seemingly do nothing "productive."  Especially since I work in front of a computer much of the day!   But for me it is very productive.....it's a way I can be alone and process and think.....and still keep my fingers busy.  The multi-tasking side of me.  I google much more than the average person.  A stream of consciousness is going through my head at all times, through most of my waking hours.  Having people around doesn't usually bother me....unless they prove to be particularly annoying...and though I live alone now, between family and roommates and friends, for most of my life lots of people have been around.  But regardless of who is around, I need that time to process (or maybe over-process) things in my brain.

I am very bad at small talk.  That's another sign of an introvert.  Oh yes, I have developed some social skills over the years, and can hide that side of me for short periods of time, but I quickly tire of it.  It exhausts me.  I can't cope for long.  I need a topic.....I need ideas.  I need to think. I need things to go deeper.  I'm better when thought and talk are combined, though I also recognize that sometimes it is more appropriate and comfortable for people to keep things light and on the surface.  It's also why I have a cache of questions in my mind that I pull out when I need to try to get people onto a topic, and avoid the silence that sets in me if it doesn't happen.  (Silence that happens because I just can't think of anything else to say about the weather!)  I try to find questions that are still somewhat lightweight, but tell me more about the other people in the conversation.

It's helpful to know what side of the spectrum we fall on....and also recognize it for the other people in our lives.  While someone who cares for me needs to understand I refresh internally, I need to know and respect what does it for them.  I didn't always understand and respect that in others, because my internal voice was always saying "Just leave me alone and let me think!"  But we all need our refreshment time, in the fashion that works best for us.  We need that oasis.  If we care about people we need to recognize the source of their oasis, and make sure that they can find refreshment.  All people are not strong introverts and extroverts, though you usually topple in one direction or the other.  I've usually tested strongly on the introvert side, but even that can change somewhat as time goes on.  I suspect I could be a bit less so these days, though maybe that is just that I understand it more.....and understand it isn't all about me!

"Experts" are always quick to tell people they need alone time, but not everyone does.  (My guess is that those "experts" are introverts who want people to just leave them alone for a while!)  For some people, for most people if that statistic is correct, it isn't what brings refreshment.  They need "people time" to bring things into focus for them, to relax them, to bring them peace.  We introverts may sometimes feel that the extroverts in our life are relentless and needy (as they think we are standoffish and self-centered), but the truth is that they are just feeding to gain their strength, as we introverts feed and gain our strength from our own center.   There's a natural conflict there.  But when we recognize and understand it, it's actually interesting to observe and a very cool part of who we all are.  Knowing what makes us continue to "tick" can show us how to find peace, whatever our circumstances.  Knowing what makes others continue to "tick" can help us help them find their peace.  And we all need peace and refreshment to keep us doing what we need, and want, to do...and to keep us engaged in life and relationships.

Not the Ideal

“Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.”  - George Carlin

 

“The idealist withdrew himself, because he could not suffer the jostling of the human crowd; he had not the strength to fight and so called the battle vulgar; he was vain, and since his fellows would not take him at his own estimate, consoled himself with despising his fellows.” - W. Somerset Maugham Of Human Bondage

“Rather than adjust his expectations in the face of disappointment, he tended to bury them deeper inside himself and regard the disjunction between his ideals and the worldly imperfections as the world's problems rather than his own.” - Joseph J. Ellis (speaking of Thomas Jefferson)

----------------------------------------------
 
One of my former bosses pointed out to me once that I was an idealist.....and he said that I would forever struggle with this and be let down by people as a result.  At first I thought he was being critical, though he was also a friend, brilliant, intuitive and not prone to unkind criticism, so I had to sort through his words for a while and consider whether they may be true.  After much thought, I realized he was right on the money.  Pointing it out to me made me add that to the definition of who I know I am, and now makes me examine life and situations where I get disappointed or discouraged with people by asking myself  "Was I expecting the ideal and not the human?"

What is an idealist?  I would describe it as having the expectation that our world operates in a way where all people do the right thing, or at least that is always their goal.  We idealists view the world as how it should be, instead of what it really is.  We forget the idea that people are human  and by nature don't always choose to do the right thing.  We also forget that people are dealing with many things in their lives, and sometimes we aren't their priority.  But when people come up short of our expectations, they disappoint us and break our hearts.  Over and over again.

Idealists are optimists by nature, but if not fully cognizant of their unrealistic expectations, quickly become cynics.  It's difficult when people let us down to not take it personally.....it all seems very personal, and very intentional.  But in my life as I have started examining this sort of thing, I have realized it seldom really is.  We humans just aren't good at perfection.  We have bad memories so we forget about people when they are not in sight and also often don't see the person right in our path.  We are often not thoughtful, often because we are thinking of ourselves.  Other times we have good intentions, but we fail to deliver.  We over-commit, over-extend and don't allow enough time for the things we have to do.  We don't consider the needs of those around us.  We let ourselves and other people down constantly, and while we may apologize on occasion, prefer to overlook it and go on.  It's much easier that way.  Plus time flies....and we have other things we need to do.

My great vulnerability in life is when people disappoint me.  I always get over it eventually, but not usually before a period of deep hurt and probably a little bit of mourning.  Almost every time in my life when I feel overly emotional, almost every time I cry, it is because someone has disappointed me.  Someone  says something that hurts my feelings, it appears they don't notice I am there or if they do notice they don't think my presence is significant.  They don't seem to care about who I really am, they don't trust me, or just under-value me.

But really, most of it probably isn't personal.  Sometimes we perhaps need to avoid people who do this, and choose to surround ourselves with other people who are capable of more.  But other times we need to learn to love them more and better and be gracious and graceful.

I think perhaps we all are born idealists.  Perhaps it is the very essence of faith....God's plan was for perfection, then sin came into the world, and now we are born as sinners who struggle with what should be and what is every day of our life.  I think most people tend to get over idealism by covering themselves with a layer of cynicism and/or learning not to expect much out of other people.  There are days when I wish I could do that.  I know it would make my life easier, and happier.  But I think that is an impossibility for me.

Most days I appreciate my idealist leanings.  I want to live in a world when people strive to do the right thing.  I want people to care about doing things well, and noticing the impact their decisions have on other people.  I want to see consistency, responsibility, commitments that mean something and promises not broken.  I want kindness to rule, and everyone to feel they are noticed and appreciated.  And I want to spend my life encouraging such things, which means I need to notice when they do and don't happen.   I don't have the luxury of falling into apathy.
 
I need to cope in the world, keep a firm check on reality, and fight the cynicism that can easily overtake us idealists.  I want to learn to be more gracious and merciful, so I can live in reality.   I want to think of others more than myself and get over feeling that it is all about me.  I want to grade on a curve.  I want to analyze each situation, accept my responsibility for my own inadequacies, and be kind as I assess the inadequacies of others. 

I hate when I have to deal with my idealistic nature, but I can't run away from it.  I have to keep asking the question "Was I expecting the ideal and not the human?" and toss out those negative things that consume my emotions.  There are more important things in life to deal with.  I am an idealist, but I shouldn't be surprised when people don't meet my ideals.  My former boss saved me a lot of time when he passed on that nugget.  Not that I don't still get my heart broken....but the healing time is much shorter when things are in perspective.