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Thursday, September 25, 2014

On Banning Books

Evidently it's Banned Books Week. The idea of it makes me smile. It brings back good memories. While I am not in favor of banning books, I am a great fan of the spirit that comes from the opposition. The spirit that says we can wade through the muck of ideas to find kernels of truth....and we support the right to do it.

I haven't heard much about books being banned for a long time, but they were certainly banned in Iredell County during my growing up years. When book banning was discussed at school board meetings, my mother made sure she was there, and we were, too. (She, the one against banning books, usually took her knitting.) As an adult I know the effort that attending those meetings took. Mom worked and was raising a relatively large family, but still thought it was important to take the time to be involved in these decisions that impacted children's lives. Not just for her children, because she could certainly allow us to read whatever she wanted, but other children also. She believed in encouraging us to read, and not to discourage it. In our house ideas were not taboo...even when someone, or everyone, disagreed with them. They held great value. We were allowed to read anything, as long as our parents knew what we were reading. Even as adults, all five of us, and our parents, are readers. We get great pleasure from books, we get great pleasure from ideas. I don't necessarily look at life the same way as the rest of my family, or the rest of the world for that matter, but we respect the right to have different points of view.

These book banning meetings were interesting to me, even exciting, but a bit odd. Being a rather conservative Christian, with many friends who were also conservative Christians, they often meant that I was on the opposite "side" of friends I liked and respected. Some of their families looked at things differently than mine did. Some of their parents wanted to shelter and protect them from ideas that were different from those they believed in. My family probably held tight to the exact same core values as their families, but we were raised a bit differently. We also were somewhat sheltered, but not from ideas. We talked a lot, we argued a lot, and learned to form our own opinions. Our opinions could be different than those of our parents. We could change our mind, and were encouraged to do just that when the ideas supported it. Ideas and opinions were not stone, instead they were water. They flowed, they drifted, and they changed things. Including our minds.

My mother would buy us any book that was banned, if we agreed to read it. She said that was the positive of book banning in her mind.....it made her kids want to read. The books were discussed... why people wanted them banned, and whether we agreed with their reasons. We never did. We always found value in the ideas they provoked, and often even found that the books that were banned actually supported the ideas of the people who were against them. I remember when Brave New World by Aldous Huxley was banned for being anti-God, anti-family. In our house the reading was the opposite. Huxley was a satirist, and was himself dismayed by a world in which people worshipped things, lived promiscuously, and didn't think for themselves. We thought he had a good point.

We must not be threatened by ideas that are different than ours. We must not be afraid of disagreements. We must not be afraid of looking at a subject from a different angle or filtered through a different point of view. That is how we learn, that is how we grow. Sometimes our current point of view is right. But sometimes, quite often really, something that we would have bet the farm on is just downright wrong. The prize to entertaining that possibility is finding truth. And finding truth, that is what life is all about.

So during this Banned Books week, consider whether you need to be a rebel. Read a book that just may be outside of your comfort zone. Be a bit naughty and read a book that has been banned. Hear the ideas of someone who thinks things through in a different way than you. Really hear the voice of someone who does not share your mind and thoughtfully consider what they have to say. If we applied the same reasons for why books that have been banned to the Bible, we'd knock it off our reading list. It would be the most banned book out there. You know something.... worldwide I do believe it is.

Ideas that change people, ideas that challenge people, ideas that inspire people.....many fear them. God knew the power of the written word and was confident that in the end man would see truth. It is when our minds are closed that we stop the process of growing and changing and learning how to discuss differing opinions. We fail to find valuable nuggets.....and share them. We limit who we are and why we were created. So let's use those minds, and believe that for active minds truth will eventually show itself. Let's fight for the ideas to flow and not lock them up and ban them from consideration. It's pretty difficult to change someone's mind if we don't listen to their point if view. I do believe there are at times fragile minds that may need to be protected.....but most of us were given hearty minds that were made to be work horses. Let's get out those horses and exercise them!




Tuesday, September 16, 2014

When the Bomber Is Your Friend

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over." – Octavia Butler

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly." -Proverb

What do you do when someone you care about is blowing up their life? What do you do when that person is blowing up the lives of many people around them? What do you do when you feel that they are isolating themselves from people who love them, and only listening to people who tell them what they want to hear - others who are living their lives in ways seemingly ignorant of the carnage they leave in their wake?  What do you do when they think they are right, and only pity you for caring?

I love imperfect people. I am also by nature an idealist. It provides a weird contrast in my life. I don't understand why people don't do what I consider to be the right thing. I don't understand why people do things that I consider to be out of character for them. I don't understand why someone who has shown me such love and compassion can turn around and show others what appears to be no regard. What appears to be hate and hatefulness.

Unfortunately I am not talking about just one situation, one relationship, here. I have seen these aberrations of behavior all around me. I believe most of us have. Sometimes I find myself holding myself back, driving by the accident scene and rubber necking. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be this one woman vigilante, running in, swords drawn, and challenging them to a duel.....or challenging the bad influencers that I think are encouraging their bad behavior to a duel. (Never mind that I suspect they may be better swordsmen than me.) Sometimes I want to kidnap them, and de-program their brain. I am convinced they have been brainwashed and when taken away from it all we could get them back on track. Still other times I want to live my perfect little "ignorance is bliss" life and pretend nothing is happening.

But truth is that God has given us free will. People get to make certain stupid choices for their lives. When someone is on a path to self destruction, sometimes you can do nothing about it. Sometimes it is none of your business. Sometimes you need to stay away. But when is that the case, and when can you just run to them and hug them and try to protect them from themselves?

I haven't figured any of this out yet really. The "hate the sin, love the sinner" stuff gets complicated. I suspect that the simple act of writing all of these questions down sets the stage for me to share with you my own personal quest for enlightenment. It will probably continue throughout my lifetime. Especially since, as I said before, I love the imperfect.

But this I already know.....or think I know...

>If you are my family, if you are my friend, I will love you through the imperfect. You can count on this. You will be on my mind whether you are around me or not. I will not cease to pray for you. I will not erect barriers to you. I can't enable you to do what I think is wrong, but neither will I shun you.
>I will never tell you what you are doing is right, if I think what you are doing is wrong. I do not believe that is loving you well...and if I love you, you deserve to be loved well. I hope you listen to my point of view once, because there is usually a compulsion for me to tell you what I think. Not just to hear myself speak, or to spout dogma, but because I genuinely care. I think that is part of what loving someone is...seeing who we really are, loving them anyway, and caring enough to speak truth. I hope you listen when you can hear something besides Charlie Brown's teacher.
>I will try not to constantly throw your mistakes in your face. If you have listened once, or are overloaded with what others are saying and need silence, I will try to respect this. If my past experience is any indication, I may find this to be very difficult. When this happens, you are allowed to say "Let's change the subject." I promise I will try. Others have done this, and I was able to restrain myself, Sometimes we don't need more bullets pointed our way.
>If your victims need care, I will take the ointment and bandages. Sometimes because I love them, too. Sometimes because you should be doing it, and aren't.
>Self-destructive behavior happens for a reason. Sometimes drugs and alcohol are involved. Sometimes immaturity. Sometimes anger. Sometimes fear. Sometimes depression. Sometimes a health problem. Sometimes a restlessness that you just can't pinpoint. Often a combination of many of these. Don't try to just heal yourself. See a professional. A good doctor who you will be honest with. Please have yourself checked out and make sure something else is not going on that may be causing your change in behavior. What can it hurt? 
>If you appear OK physically, try to talk things through with a good mental health professional. Someone without skin in the game who listens impartially. None of us know the whole story, the real story. That probably includes you. Maybe someone else can see the tapestry and not the strings. 
>I believe usually people should bare the natural consequences of their actions. I think also, perhaps, mercy was not given to me in spades. I am trying to develop it. Sometimes you may have to remind me of that fact. Code word: mercy.

Lest you are reading this and think I am only writing about you, I will say while your face may be in my mind, unfortunately there is more than one face there at the moment; more than one person who fits the criteria. You are not the only one who I think is blowing up their life at the moment, but that does not lessen the pain I feel as I think of you. Who are you today and who do you want to be? If you have forgotten the good, the value you are to the world, let me know. I can remind you. I believe in you. I will continue to cheer for you to be your best, though never expecting perfection. Even when you are a screw up, there are folks who love you. Don't forget to notice that, even if the eyes looking at you show disappointment. We're human, too. And though we not be open about it, many of us know quite a lot about screwing up. You are not the first, or the only.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Feeding the Man-Eating Tiger and Making It Grow

I am not an enabler. It is a decision I have made in my life, and not my natural inclination. I think I first consciously made this decision in college. Drugs, alcohol.... rampant, especially with Radio, Television and Motion Pictures majors (also know as RTVMP, or Rumptyvump, department now defunct). I remember coming home from class one day my first year and my suitemate was sitting in a rocking chair, rocking and babbling, zoned out of her mind. It was sad. I made sure she was OK, then shut my door. I didn't think giving her extra attention was helpful. And really, I didn't think there was anything I could do.

I saw another friend, one of the most delightful and brilliant people I knew, go downhill before my very eyes. He came to college a pot smoker, but while he was there added additional substances. He lost his vision, lost his drive, his magnetic personality dissipated, his eyes lost their sparkle, he became out of shape and his hygiene suffered, and his brain disengaged. He thought he was fine. He thought all was under control and he didn't have a problem. At first I tried to ignore. Underneath he was still the friend I loved. He was still fun, and thoughtful (most of the time) and one of my favorite people to hang out with. While I knew about the drugs, it wasn't because he told me.  He didn't use around me and tried to shield me from what was going on. Still, I could see the outward effects.

I needed an apartment to stay in my senior year and he needed a roommate. I nearly moved in. Common sense eventually prevailed. I realized I would become a mother hen, trying to protect him from himself and the consequences of his actions.  I also realized I would not like that version of me. See, I am a fixer...I like to rush to the rescue of others, requested or not. If someone is not ready to really be helped, it is useless and frustrating. I know that now. Then it was still up in the air.

I knew he could manipulate me, knew I would try to manipulate him, knew it would probably become an obsession for me. It was not a way I wanted to live life at 20. Or now. I moved in with another friend. This was probably a defining moment in my life. It was so difficult for many reasons. I felt a bit of guilt....and regret. Maybe I could help him. Maybe if I was there daily, he wouldn't use. Maybe I could help him get help. But no....you can't change an addict.  He had to do that himself. At this time in my life I hadn't completely learned you can't change other people. I hadn't completely learned when I try to do this, I become someone I don't want to be. But that process was beginning....I had an inkling.

It's not just drugs and alcohol. Those are just easy examples. Enabling any bad behavior feeds it. It makes it grow. You smooth over temper tantrums. You give in to the demands of a manipulator. You tell someone with a weight problem they are not fat and add another portion to their plate. You believe those who say their bad behavior is your fault. You believe people who say their bad behavior is the fault of others. You give money to someone with money problems. You lie to cover for someone in your life so people don't see the reality of them. You buy your child the toy they are screaming for in WalMart. You support someone who will not work, You support an abuser. You don't counter the lie of a liar. You tell someone it is OK not live up to their responsibilities. You think you are helping or that you are doing it out if love, but you're not being kind. You're feeding the man-eating tiger.

Love is not helping someone become less than they should be. Love is not telling people their bad behavior is OK or normal. Love is not holding out your hand and helping them go down a path of destruction or trying to ignore it when you see them make that turn. Love is not failing to confront the thing that is destroying them. 

But love is also not harping on their behavior and making it the only thing you see when you look at that person. We need to somehow keep the love going, without feeding the negative behavior. Shame has a place in our lives.....sometimes it is what drives us to change....but we need to make sure we don't become shamers. There are enough of those in the world and I haven't noticed them to be particularly positive influences.

Sometimes love is walking away and letting someone face the consequences of their own actions. Sometimes it is removing certain kinds of support. Sometimes it is praying that there will be consequences instead of praying they will have none. Sometimes it is letting the legal system work. Sometimes it is establishing limits. Sometimes it is having a direct confrontation. Sometimes it is pointing them into the direction of treatment. Sometimes it is an ultimatum. Sometimes it is just loving them and putting your arms around them, and whispering in their ear all the things they are instead of all the things they are not. Sometimes it is erecting boundaries and making sure these boundaries are firm and respected.

There is a difference between supportive love and enabling. Supportive love makes a person stronger, better. It builds them up. Enabling allows them to continue to be weak. It holds them back or tears them down. Look at your relationships. Are the people around you growing or floundering? Ultimately the responsibility for either falls on them (make no mistake about that), but you have a choice to make. How will your relationship impact them?