My 80/20 Resolutions

I usually don't make New Year's resolutions. I have a short attention span and, well, it requires I resolve to do and be certain things for a whole doggone year. That's a lot of focus time for someone like me! But this year I am jumping on that bandwagon and going to give it a try. Me being me, though, I will apply the 80/20 rule. I resolve to do these things 80% of the time. (Oh, stop turning up your nose and rolling your eyes at me. Your face is going to freeze that way. If I chose to grade my life on a curve, let me.) So I am going to pick 10 things, in various areas of my life. So...in no certain order....

 1. I am going to move more throughout my work day. I have a very sedentary job, and way too often I don't move much during the day. I read something this year that said sitting three hours a day can take two years off your life. I have often found myself sitting five and six with no movement, often enough that it is embarrassing. I think I am in a trouble zone. I probably should be dead already. So, I am going to find ways to incorporate activity throughout my day. It may doing a series of 25 squats, it may be working for a while on an exercise ball, it may be doing a set of push-ups, it may be walking up the driveway or 5 minutes on the treadmill. More activity will be in my day.

 2. I will run, walk, or bike 700 miles. Some of my buddies are doing 1,000. I have to make sure I don't feel doomed before I start. You must know what challenges you, and I do better with realistic goals. 700 miles is 13.5 miles a week. That's very ambitious for me, but I can see it as possible. Yeah, I need help with this, so call me if you need to move and would prefer not doing it alone! Hmmmm..... kayaking should count too, right? Forward movement...that's it. I will move forward 700 mi. during the year. Just ordered my Christmas present to myself, a Fitbit, so it will be tracked.

 3. I am going to get rid of some of the flab on my arms. Weights need to make a comeback, but push-ups and such need to join them. At this time in my life, sleeves make me crazy. They seem way too hot. So if my arms are going to be on parade, they don't need to be the clowns. One if my favorite quotes of 2013 is that training is a privilege. I don't accept that to my core yet....but my brain is telling me it is true. Until it is time to train, at which point it seems to short circuit.

 4. I will travel somewhere I have never been. Travel is one of my biggest passions, but in some ways I have let life get in the way of this great love. Oh, I know I have still traveled more than many, but not enough that I am seeing the chunks of the world I want to see. I need to take advantage of as many opportunities to explore this world as I can. I am quite excited that some friends and family members have said they may be willing to join me. Will some of this come to pass? I hope so! I can do it myself, but I think there is something special about sharing the experience.

 5. I will value people. That doesn't mean that I have to like everyone or even spend time with certain people, but I will do my best to treat people with dignity and respect. Even the jerks. Because honestly, most of us are jerks deep down...some don't want to look in the mirror, and some hide it well.

 6. I won't allow the opinions of others to define who I am....or how I see others. I know from my own life sometimes people are unfair. Some are nice to your face and undermine you behind your back. Some do this never granting you the courtesy of telling you their issue with you....which means they would rather talk negatively about you and prefer you not change. (That means they are the ones with the bigger problem!) It doesn't matter the position of the person, their education level or experience, how much you respect them, whether everyone else puts them on a pedestal....their opinion can be wrong. So while I consider opinions when given to me (and will always try to see criticism as a gift), I will also consider they may be wrong about me. If they are, I will try not to hate them for it. Even wrong, it may be well intentioned. Or they just may be naysayers who are unhappy and critical of me because they are critical of themselves. As for their criticism of you, I will give it even less credence than their criticism of me. And if I give you my opinion about something in your life, I will do my best to say it once and move along. As friends we need to care enough to point certain things out, then care enough to not beat each other over the head. Obviously if you are my friend, I love you regardless of these things that are usually petty. And let us not forget my opinion may be wrong. It has happened. More than once.

 7. I will eat well. I won't diet, I won't cut any one food from my life, but I will eat lots of good food. I will attempt to not make eating an afterthought. Instead if trying to ignore it until I must eat, I will try to think more about food and graze throughout the day. I will engage my brain more, I will eat as much color as possible. I will eat enough protein, and for me that includes red meat. Regardless of what is best for others, without it I become anemic. I will try to not eat bad food. That doesn't mean what others call bad food, but instead badly prepared food. Food that I eat just to eat. Fortunately I was raised to eat fairly nutritiously, and I like healthy food, so I will eat it. I will do a better job of watching portion sizes, and will not beat myself up if I screw up from my plan. It's that 80/20 rule again....I don't have to be perfect. Food will be important, fun, enjoyed, and not forbidden.

 8. I will try to reach out to people more. My putting that "try" in there shows a lack do commitment, I know, but this is much harder for me than people would think. I find I get discouraged when I try to plan something with others and they tell me no.  (It seems to work better with my friends if I can just say yes when they are planning something.) I probably spend more time alone than is healthy for me. I think perhaps I am missing out on some of why I was created because of this. I speak often of my introvert love of being by myself with books and no plans. I do not plan to stop that completely....I cherish that time. But we weren't designed to live in the world by ourselves. I was not born to live independently and alone, even though life is easier that way. I need to stretch the social muscles more. It makes me smile when some doubt I am an introvert and think I am constantly with people. Lots of years of social effort has paid off. But regression happens easily, so those muscles need to be used.

 9. I am going to learn about something new. I think one of my target subjects is accupressure and reflexology. I think the basic concepts make sense and as I age I would rather be informed about non-invasive ways to cure some of the ailments that spring up. I don't want to constantly use medications as a first resort. Not that I am anti-medication or traditional medicine, but I think sometimes we demand harsh things from our doctors when there may be kinder and gentler solutions. The fact is our body is a complex machine, and sometimes we look in the wrong direction for help. Maybe we're like Dorothy Gale (from the Wizard of Oz) and we've always had the power!

10. I will get to know God better. That requires I focus on him and pay attention. You can read the Bible a million times and memorize the words. You can listen to the words of preachers and evangelists and teachers and make them your own. You can go to church every Sunday, teach Sunday School, put God in every sentence you speak, yet still miss the point. We get to have a personal relationship with God. Mine is different than yours, because he created me uniquely. He created you uniquely. To get the most out of life, we need to fill up our senses with God. We need to hear, see, speak, taste and smell God. I want to breathe him in, and breathe the junk out. While breathing comes naturally, breathing with God takes some focus. I want all senses on alert, and I want to watch him at work in my life and in the others around me. That takes acknowledgment. My tendency is to put myself first, and see everything revolving around me. I have to change what comes naturally and let the world revolve around God.

Yes, some of these things I have been working on but sometimes you need to take time to re-commit. I'll try to track, and report both the successes and where I fail miserably. I suspect I will do both. But the great thing about a new year is that it contains lots of new days. Even more moments. Those are more significant than a new year. Because we don't have to wait for a new year to make a resolution. We can make positive changes at any time. Sometimes they become more than a resolution. They become the fabric of who we are, and they happen without a thoughtful commitment required.

Great Expectations

From Luke 1...Contemporary English Version

"...Soon after that, his (Zechariah) wife was expecting a baby, and for five months she did not leave the house. She said to herself 'What the Lord has done for me will keep people from looking down on me.'" (Vs 24-25)

"...When Elizabeth heard Mary's greeting, her baby moved within her. The Holy Spirit came upon Elizabeth.  Then in a loud voice she said to Mary: God has blessed you more than any other woman! He has also blessed the child you will have. Why should the mother of my Lord come to me? As soon as I heard your greeting, my baby became happy and moved within me.  The Lord has blessed you because you believed that he will keep his promise." (Vs 39-45)

I am still thinking of Zechariah's family, and especially Elizabeth. I have a special affinity with her, perhaps because I feel I can understand some the emotions she has to be feeling. 

Elizabeth doesn't show her face in public for the first five months of her pregnancy. Here is a woman that has been barren in times when your kids were your greatest assets. In a lot of ways having children was the main purpose of the women and to not produce the house full of heirs was shameful. There is a certain joy in the fact that she's going to be able to "show 'em". So human. There also is probably some personal insecurity that she is trying to get beyond. She probably questioned her own worth over the years as a result of her infertility. What will happen when everyone knows her news? If times are like now, when there will be joking about her sex life ("Go Zechariah!") and a bit of gossip because she is going to be an older mom. ("Really?  She's bringing a child into the world at this age?"). Interesting that as she starts showing, a time when in many cultures women go into hiding, she goes back out into the world.

And then there is Mary, a member of Elizabeth's family. When Gabriel tells Mary she will be the mother of Jesus, he also tells her Elizabeth is five months along in her pregnancy. The same time that Elizabeth starts to show back up in public. Coincidence? I doubt it. One of Gabriel's points to Mary is that "nothing is impossible with God."  I guess it takes everyone a bit of time to come to terms with impossible.  Maybe five months. Mary hears the news about Elizabeth (and herself) and shortly afterward heads to check it all out herself.

I love that during Mary's visit, it says the spirit moves Elizabeth and she talks "in a loud voice".  The voice we use when we are trying to get through to someone, especially our clueless younger relatives. I figure that at this time Mary is still in a state of disbelief....a place of doubt.  A place of "are you sure you mean me, God?" Elizabeth has been thinking on this sort of thing for five months. She shares what she has learned. She answers Mary's why....told her she was over-thinking it and the answer was not that complicated...simply that Mary believed.  There must have been a purity of faith in Mary. I don't think she was sophisticated or even necessarily "special" as far as the world saw her. I don't think she was the obvious choice, and most certainly not to herself. But yet she was the one chosen. Once again, our mortal and insufficient faith is all God needs as a vessel. You don't have to be the obvious choice. Awe-inspiring when you think about it.

Elizabeth seems to me to be a great type of family member/friend to have. Those who know you, listen, see your doubts, and kick you in the rear so you move to where you need to be.  She didn't pretty up her language, she just told her the way it was. Loudly. She understood being used when you don't feel ready. She was living it, too. Who better to have an idea of what Mary is going through? In the way her son John would go before Mary's son Jesus, Elizabeth goes before Mary in her very special pregnancy.

God doesn't wait until we feel we are ready to be used by him....he uses us even when we feel inadequate to the task. He doesn't need us to be smart, or educated, or beautiful, or strong, or have amazing skills....he seems to move both in our doubts and in our childlike belief. If we believe him, even sort of, we can see him work in us and through us.

And if, like Elizabeth and Mary, we hang in there in spite of our circumstances, in spite of our heartbreak, in spite of all the things we come to expect about ourselves and the possibilities of our lives, he just may blow us out of the water when he works through us. The simple people. He is a God that constantly defies expectations. He is a God of amazing surprises. At just the right time throughout your life you will be given amazing, marvelous gifts. God-sized gifts. Gifts of Jesus-sized proportion. But sometimes gifts that require you to take action to receive them fully. God is the battery that is not included. We must insert it for it to work.

When it gets down to it, with all we have seen so far, why don't we really believe in God? This is the God that created the heavens and the earth. This is the God that created the crazy and unique beings that are us. This is the God who changed everything so we could have a relationship with him. What if these are not his only feats? What if more is coming? What if you are going to be a part of it? When you think "impossible", keep your eyes open. God's work isn't finished yet. He is alive and well and he so loves to re-define your definition of that word. The gift of Jesus is not a one day event. It is to be continued....so stay tuned. And Merry Christmas!

Shaking Up the Comfort Zone -Falalalala lala lala

From Luke 1.....(Contemporary English Version)

"When Herod was king of Judea, there was a priest by the name of Zechariah from the priestly group of Abijah. His wife Elizabeth was from the family of Aaron. Both of them were good people and pleased the Lord God by obeying all that he had commanded. But they did not have children. Elizabeth could not have any, and both Zechariah and Elizabeth were already old.

One day Zechariah's group of priests were on duty, and he was serving God as a priest. According to the customs of the priests, he had been chosen to go into the Lord's temple that day and to burn incense, while the people stood outside praying.

All at once an angel from the Lord appeared to Zechariah at the right side of the altar. Zechariah was confused and afraid when he saw the angel. But the angel told him:

Don't be afraid Zechariah! God has heard your prayers. Your wife Elizabeth will have a son and you will name him John. His birth will make you very happy and many people will be glad. Your son will be a great servant of the Lord. He must never drink wine or beer, and the power of the Holy Spirit will be with him from the time he is born.

John will lead many people in Israel to turn back to the Lord their God. He will go ahead do the Lord with the same power and Spirit that Elijah had.  And because of John, parents will be more thoughtful of their children. And people who now disobey God will begin to think as they ought to. That is how John will get people ready for the Lord.

Zechariah said to the angel, 'How will I know this is going to happen? My wife and I are both very old.'

The angel answered 'I am Gabriel, God's servant, and I was sent to tell you this good news. You have not believed what I have said. So you will not be able to say a thing until all of this happens. But everything will take place when it is supposed to.' "(V 5-20)

When everyone else is focused on the birth of Jesus this Christmas, I find myself focused on the birth of another special baby, John, the child of Zechariah and Elizabeth. Zech and Liz (really, they were just normal people like you and me) were at a time in their life when I suspect they thought they had it all pretty much figured out. A good life, a simple life, a life of quiet purpose and routine. Obedient to what they saw as God's path for them. Then this angel comes along smack dab in the middle of all of that, and they find out their life is about to change!

I can't imagine what it must have been like for them. Reconciled to a quiet life without children of their own, they are told that their status is a-changing. Not only that, they are going to have to raise a kid who's not quite "normal". One who comes with some special handling required. A child who had a purpose even before he was conceived. One they will have to keep from ever drinking beer or wine, for goodness' sake! Doesn't God realize they are too tired for all of this? No wonder Zechariah finds himself struck dumb for a while!

I've been going through one of those times lately when I have felt blessed NOT to be a parent. It's a scary thing. I think all kids come with the same instructions as John, and yeah....for those of you that are parents you have a tremendous job that remains as long as both you and that child is on this earth. Your responsibility is to be to be teaching and encouraging and preparing them for their life's purpose every day...but it is also releasing them to their own purpose from day one. They are on one hand your responsibility, but on the other hand they do not belong to you at all. They belong to God. They were created to be themselves. You, however, were especially chosen to be their parent.

But I also think of my own responsibilities to the Johns of the world. Who can identify the special ones? Do we all come with the same sort of warranty? Not having children does not take me off the hook. It's still my job to teach and encourage. Angels can still come to me at any time to prod me towards a job or responsibility I feel totally unprepared for. Maybe my job is to light the incense to create the environment that will make others breathe in the breathe of God more deeply, but maybe, even at this time of life (when coasting through seems pretty appealing), more is expected of me.

It has made me think. Will I pay attention when God wants to shake my life up, or will I go on doing my comfortable routine (which looks way more respectable to those on the outside) and ignore the angel? Will I listen to the angel, but argue about it and think I have a better idea of God's plan? Will I really stop and smell the incense or just continue to let it burn in the background so the senses of others are aroused?

When we find ourselves in our comfort zone, God's probably not going to be able to do his best work. How much can we really lean on him there? If instead we approach life as a free fall, and God as the one who gives us the thumbs up as to when to jump, how exhilarating can our life be?

I write a lot about living a purposeful life because I have a really short attention span and I constantly have to remind myself. I'm easily distracted. But I want to be willing to be struck dumb like Zechariah. I want God to use me in a way I would never expect. And I want to hear the voices of angels when they speak to me and believe them, and not listen to them like they are Charlie Brown's teacher. When God sends me a message about a mission, I want to be ready, willing and able to say (once the shock passes) "Here I am, all ready to go."

You're never too old or too young to be used by God. You're never inadequate. He sees your limitations as assets. You just need to say "Well OK....I guess I'll do it." Don't even bother to fasten your seat belt. The ride is beginning and it just may render you speechless. But possibly like John, it will make parents more thoughtful of their children and people think right.  Now wouldn't that be something?!

Look at those kids of yours a bit closer today, regardless of their age. God has given them a purpose... are you encouraging them to live that, discouraging it, ignoring it, or putting up road blocks? Don't forget to pray and watch...God has given you a special seat in their lives for a reason.

Children or not, may God's angel speak to you, and may you be open to listening and ready to do whatever hysterical thing is asked. Because God has a definite sense of humor. It may be a baby for the old barren folks, or something equally as absurd. Go with it!

Make this a very special Christmas Eve. Be the gift!

The Shopping Gene

So it is December 22 and I haven't really started my Christmas shopping....is anyone with me?  No, I didn't think so.  The truth is that I evidently didn't inherit the shopping gene. My mother has it.  My sisters have it.  My girlfriends have it.....well other than my friend Marina.  It's our little joke.  One of us will say "Let's go shopping" and then we pause to see how long it takes the other one to giggle. We have gone shopping together on occasion....it just doesn't last long. It consists more of eye rolls than anything else and within the hour we're usually through.

I really, really hate command buying.  Birthdays, Christmas....you waiting for the perfect gift?  Keep waiting....it's not going to come from me.  If I remember....and that is doubtful...I will pick the wrong thing.  Yes, it just may be painful.  For us both.  Receiving a bad gift is bad, but knowing you gave it is horrible.  

I have friends who are awesome at this.  My friend Debbie bought me a bike for my birthday this year.  A pink bike with foot brakes.  She has heard me talk about my love for foot brakes (and fear of hand brakes) ever since we have known each other.  She has been on the lookout....because she knew while I wanted one, I would not have the patience to shop for one.  She had looked long enough that her then fiancé/now husband even knew I wanted one.  He found it and told her about it and they delivered it the day before my birthday....with cupcakes and other gifts, too.  She's that kind of friend.... always on the lookout for the perfect gift for those she loves (or even those she has just met!). From me she just may get dinner....if I remember!

Yes, I will also forget your birthday.  I usually remember the birthdays of my siblings and my parents, but beyond that my brain won't hold dates.  It has reached capacity.  So yeah, unless Facebook reminds me or you do, I won't remember. That includes the precious nieces and nephews and godchildren.  Love them as I do, my brain is a sieve for those important dates. I believe my sister Deryn inherited my memory chip. Yeah, she remembers them all. In fact, she even remembers the approximate birth date and ages of the kids of friends of mine she has never met. I think perhaps it is to vex me. It's nuts, I tell you! I think she exercises her mind the way an Olympic athlete exercises their body. So if you want you or your child to get gifts, invite me to the party. Then remind me the day before. Or tell Deryn. The good news is that I am pretty good about buying gifts for the average child when I remember to do it. Nerf, Barbies, Play-Doh....I know where to find them!  If you like these things, I just may be able to find a gift for you, too!

I am grateful that Debbie and Deryn are in my life. Deryn constantly reminds me of gifts I need to buy, so sometimes the kids have no clue that their big day is like a foreign language to my brain. Debbie lets me deliver her gifts to the triplets of our friend Mandy. They have great memories of the lovely gifts Miss Debbie has given them. I plan to answer to "Miss Debbie" for the rest of my life whenever they are around. So maybe it's wrong....I'm a sinner.

So far this year I have bought things for an angel tree kid at church, pajamas for a couple of senior citizens, some "not shoebox, but sack" gifts for our church's mission trip. All done because of deadlines.Not one gift for my family, regardless of the impending deadline. I suspect the kids will be taken care of before Christmas, but the adults? It probably won't happen. And yes, that includes the parents!  I won't make any excuses, because thankfully they will understand. I am really being kind. They won't get that bad gift they will have to pretend to like. Or give back! The life of one related to the genetically deficient.

But I Don't Wanna!!!!

When I sit here and think about it, my first inclination to almost anything is that I don't want to do it.  I don't want to clean house, I don't want to work, I don't want to go to the grocery store, I don't want to make dinner, I don't want to plan social engagements, I don't want to go to social engagements, I don't want to go running, I don't want to watch my diet....oh, I could go on and on.  Honestly if I could spend the bulk of my life laying around and reading books, I think I would be quite happy.  That's sort of like a monk's life, but not so spiritual, huh?  Yeah, when I put it like that it doesn't sound very appealing for a variety of reasons or like something I am cut out for.  But still, sometimes I want to hole up in the world of fantasy.

The truth is that almost every day we have to do things we don't want to do. I don't think others are as extreme as me, but really....doesn't it just annoy you that you have to brush your teeth so many times a day? (Oh, that's just me?)   I know there are some people who bounce out of bed on Monday mornings and can't wait to get to the office, but I am not one of them.  Even though I really don't mind working once I get there.  The idea of having to do it mentally exhausts me before I even start!

Who likes to pay the electric bill instead of buying a new outfit?   OK, sometimes I hate to shop so much that I just may....but more times than not I would prefer the outfit.  

Who wants so much money in their paychecks coming out for taxes and Social Security?  But how great is it when we have roads that are drivable and schools to teach our children and public libraries full of books to read or seniors getting those Social Security checks?!

Who likes washing windows?  But sometimes we must do it so we can see the sunrise and sunset views in all their glory.

The rebel side of me is always going to fight against "doing stuff."  The realist side of me knows I must.  The truth is that each time I do one of those things that I don't like to do, I am taking a step toward a better life.

So I will get out of bed, go to work, earn a paycheck and pay those essential bills that give me shelter and food and even entertainment.  That's how I build the base of my life.  I will change the oil in my car and get it inspected and get new tires....because that car takes me all kinds of great places and it makes for a better journey if it doesn't break down along the way or I don't see that blue light in my rear view window.  I will run and work out with weights and do painful things like squats and pushups and lunges....because that is how I build a body that will carry me strongly forward as I age.  I will eat right, and not just exist on chocolate, because that will fuel my journey and who wants water in their gas tank?  Good food builds my body into an efficient machine.

I will always struggle with doing most things.  I hate to clean house and I hate to go through all of the papers that gather in my house (sometimes my mailbox is the enemy!), and I hate to go through my closets and get rid of clothes and shoes that I don't need.  These are second tiers tasks on my to do list, however.  I give myself permission to not be perfect at them.  The truth is that I really don't want a lot of hours of my life devoted to such things, so I will probably never be strongly motivated to do them.  But I need to do them a bit better than my inclinations.  Having lots of stuff hoarded that I don't wear but that others need....pure selfishness. I need that thought to spur me to make a few trips to donate those things to others. That requires that I hunt and gather them, or in other words, clean some closets and drawers.

When it gets down to it, having a great life requires we do the "don't wannas".  Doing things we don't want to do are the building blocks to the things that will eventually reward us.  We invest our lives by giving up a little bit of the present doing these things that will be the foundation for the future.  A bit of delayed gratification is necessary for the big payodff.

The truth is that doing these things don't have to be miserable experiences.  So much is about our attitudes.  Some of the most enjoyable times of my life were spent doing things that really shouldn't have been fun.  Whether it was the company I was keeping or the knowledge that I was helping someone else, or knowing they were going to lead me to something worth working for....It was easy to keep a good attitude.  Sometimes we forget that each minute is a building block for our life.  Do we waste it away or invest it in something that will make our future more memorable? 

While reading my life away often sounds lovely, I am not sure it would be something I would be proud of in retrospect.  Oh, many hours are spent doing it, and I love those times, but instead of my whole life being about that they should be times I savor.   Instead I would like my life  to have been vital and full and fun and meaningful and well lived.   I want to have been a kind person who gave to others, was a good friend and family member, worked hard, played hard, honored God, and gave to the world even more than I got.  That takes time and effort and patience.  I still haven't figured out how to get back less than I invest, so that part seems a bit impossible!  But what fun to try anyway.  Sort of like trying to out give God....the impossible goal that is rewarding to pursue.

I will plug on, doing the things I don't want to do.  Because in the end, it is all worth it.  They will pay dividends.  I wish I had done an even better job of reaping and sowing during most of my life, but the great news is....I still have time to see what kind of garden I can grow!  It's pretty good even with my slack self.  But I want to shoot for majestic!

The Vacation Day

I consider every vacation day precious. I savor them, think carefully about what I should do with each one, and expect them to count.  I suspect few people value them as much as me. But what do you do when reality gets in the way and cancels your plans?  It has just been one of those years for me.  I plan a day, and then something at work would come up.  I had a graduation gift trip to plan with my niece, but we couldn't seem to get it scheduled. Finally we did, and a December cruise it is.  I want to take another trip, but it never seemed to materialize (yeah, that means I failed to plan it!) Actually let's just call December vacation month because that is when most of my days will be taken this year. While I will enjoy, it would not have been my choice.

Yesterday I had a day off planned to visit my friend Regina in Virginia. We were going to go to lunch and perhaps shop a bit on Friday and go and see a concert that includes one of her son's compositions on Saturday.  Sure to be a fun time. Until I realized I had committed to run a 5k with a friend back in the summer. Then I had signed up for another 5k Saturday night. Then I realized it was also the day of our ballooning association's Christmas party.  So I had to cancel the time with Regina.

But as life often goes, my weekend has not quite shaped up as planned. I found out a couple of weeks ago that the friend who I planned to run the 5k with had to do a command mother-in-law visit instead, so would not be running the morning 5k with me.

Earlier in the week I found out that there was a reason for my constant exhaustion and general feeling of lethargy these past few weeks.....I've suffering from a bout of anemia. It was a constant companion when I was younger, but normally if I eat well and keep red meat in my diet, I keep it at bay. Once again I have proven when I forget the red meat, my red blood cells choose to abandon ship. Years ago working with my doctor and a nutritionist trying all kinds of food combining and iron supplements, I learned that our bodies process different types of iron different ways, and evidently my red blood cells are carnivores!

So while the normal me would run both 5ks regardless of who was running with me (my determined practice after years of living the single life), the anemic me doesn't want to do either one. In fact, the anemic me wants to skip the Christmas party with some of my favorite people, too. The anemic me wouldn't have wanted to drive to Virginia. The anemic me feels a bit sorry for myself and is just feeling a bit annoyed and left out of life in general.

Because I am not prone to illness or depression, the times when it hits make me quite aware of why people who regularly suffer from both may sometimes seem remote or cranky. There is a level of your brain that feels that you are in it alone....and actually you are.  It really is as if you are enveloped in your own inpenetrable black cloud.  I can't imagine living life like this constantly. But the truth is that there is a degree of choice involved.  There are times when we have to belie the body, and choose to live. We have to accept, even seek out, the company of others, and medical help if it continues. Suffering alone just makes the darkness envelope us more and it can become like that frog in slowly increasing hot water that never jumps out of the pot. We have to do things that we don't want to do, that may not be where our brain wants to take us or seem "really necessary", and bust out of that fog.

I spent my vacation day alone, the high point being going to the movies and watching Catching Fire. I accomplished little with the day, but did force myself to de-stress a bit and put a few things in perspective. I indulged my self pity a little throughout the day, though mostly with humor. Well, humor when I let my brain think about my actual thoughts. I have so few valid reasons to feel sorry for myself, and in spite of "feelings" I still can't help but acknowledge that, so I have to make fun of myself a bit when I see where my mind goes.  I try to do it kindly! I am fortunate to know the source of the feelings are physical, while many can't get beyond the overwhelming feelings to get to that point. I will fight mightily so these toxins do not take up permanent residence in my body....but I also understand those who feel they just don't have the energy. (Fight it anyway!)

Perhaps I put too much value in vacation days.  My expectations are probably too high.  Or perhaps my expectations for my "regular" days aren't high enough.  Our days of life are limited and all should be savored.  Something to ponder later in the month when I take a lot of this year's vacation.  What do I need to do so that every day of my life is well spent and enjoyed?  Because when it gets down to it, if I don't do that I am wasting the gift I have been given.  I want to wake up every day and say "Lord, I can't wait to get started living the today you have planned!"  That hasn't been happening enough lately and I don't think it is just the anemia. I need a plan, because sometimes my body and my circumstances are going to fight me! It requires a review of all areas of my life (mental, physical, spiritual, vocational, and relational) to make sure I am doing what I need to be doing, when I need to be doing it.  Sometimes it is time to change course, or change our attitude, and if we aren't doing that periodically we can find ourselves in the wrong place at the wrong time surrounded by the wrong people.  That can not only make you unhappy, it can make you sick. That can be the start of a cycle that can overcome us in time.  Let's instead overcome the cycle. What is ahead may not be what we planned, but maybe it will allow us to count each day as special.