On Four Years of Blogging

March 31, 2012. Four years ago. It was the date I wrote my very first blog. I had no real idea what I was doing. No idea of where it would take me. Honestly I thought it would be short lived. I have ADD. I like changing things up. I had not written regularly since college, where I had been a Broadcast Journalism major who wrote fiction on the side (renowned Southern writer Lee Smith was one of my teachers....I am not worthy) and journaled on and off to try to figure out all of the thoughts and ideas running through my brain. After college, it all stopped. Completely. I didn't even know I missed it. It wasn't until I began to write again that I realized I did.

Two friends were instrumental in getting me to blog. My friend Sheila Foxworthy, took me to lunch in March after I had spent the month of February writing Facebook posts of things I love, and said "I miss those posts. You need to write more." At around the same time a friend from Toronto who I met online, Joyce Singer D'Aprile (an amazing woman who writes professionally and has a slew of awesome stories to show for it) was also telling me I needed to blog. When two people from different parts of the world who don't know each other suggest the same thing to you at exactly the same time, it makes you think. Sometimes it makes you do. I trust and respect them both. I decided to give it a try.

As I did in college, I still most often write to pull thoughts out of my brain and try to make order out of them. I don't think of myself as an especially serious person, so it surprises me I most often write serious things. My mind doesn't shut down often, so I guess those thoughts are the ones that are deep down, and need to come out into the light. I have a compulsion to figure out the secrets of life, why people do the things they do, and how life can be better and more meaningful.

If you were to go back and read old blogs you may find some that seem to contradict others. That's probably because sometimes my perspective changes....and sometimes there has not been a change, but life is complex. I may see both sides of the coin, or be unable to escape the grey. I'm OK with that. Very OK. I love that I don't have it all figured out. That I don't know everything. I hope every day of my life I am learning and growing and experiencing new things. Sometimes I'd prefer less weighing on my brain, but I would rather exercise it than let it atrophy. I do feel a compulsion to make the world better, to make my life and the lives of those around me better, more meaningful, and worth something. That tends to be a common theme.

Sometimes the numbers astound me. Yes, in our day of statistics the blogger has all the numbers. In these four years I have published 231 entries. I have done a few killer months where I did a blog a day. Those were excruciating. At this point I have no plans to do that again....but I won't say never. Sometimes I need to stretch myself that way. What is even more astounding is that those blogs have been viewed 19,718 times as I write this.

The blog that has the most views is the one that I wrote earlier this year when my friend Debbie Swing's 30 year old son Mike had his heart attack (or died, as he refers to it...since in fact he did!) He was resuscitated by an off duty paramedic and then taken care of so ably and compassionately by so many others in our Iredell County Emergency Services. The paramedics, the firemen....they were there quickly and in full force and the hand of God was truly at work. The fact that his wife was about to deliver their first child made it more memorable for all.

Had I known so many people would have read that blog, I would have written it more carefully....better. I would have done them justice. I don't think I have it in me to do it well enough, though. What I learned is this....those wonderful, amazing people who work so hard for so little, who save the lives of our people on a regular basis and go out of their way to help people even when off duty, seldom get a lot of public thanks. When they found out about it, they shared it. The comments they made with the blog, the emails and Facebook Private Messages I received, stunned me and even made me cry on occasion. What beautiful hearts. I'd been thinking about our local law enforcement having recently gone through the Statesville Police Department's Citizens Academy, so while I had an appreciation already for anyone in public service, they were raised even higher in my esteem. We need to care for them more and better. I think of what they see in their work most days and I can't thank them enough for enduring it. I suspect I just may on occasion be that person who scares them sometime with a random and inappropriate bear hug. We all need to be on the lookout for these folks and coming up with random (or planned) acts of kindness that show them they are appreciated by our community.

I made a commitment when I started writing the blog to live out loud...in other words, to try to share my life publicly and truthfully. I think we often live lies and half truths....don't share our shortcomings, our heartbreaks, our vulnerabilities....who we really are. These things keep us in bondage and don't allow us to see truth, and keep us from change. One thing I know....to change any aspect of who we are, we first have to acknowledge it. 

And other people....when they tell us who they really are, how do we handle it? I understand why people want to keep certain things secret, because people can be cruel. The rebel in me wants us all to confront this cruelty and value truth over a pretty facade. But I understand why many, why most, don't. But sometimes people surprise us. Sometimes for the good, sometimes disappointing us. I still think it is better to know truth, and face reality. Face who they are and consider whether they should be part of our life. One thing I believe, though....most of us don't think you should get the death penalty for being human. Sometimes we need to be reminded of that, though.

There are a few blogs I have written that make me cringe when I think about them. Where I hit "Publish" and die a bit inside. Never have I regretted publishing one for long, though for short periods of time....yes. Recently I think I had a minor panic attack when I saw how many people were reading one that was more personal than normal. I felt pretty strongly about posting it, though. Partially because I didn't want to and I like to make myself do hard things. But then when I find out my sharing helped people....in the end, it is well worth a bit of discomfort for me. Reactions to these personal blogs often interest me. Some friends will call or send a message that says "Are you alright?" But most of the folks closest to me never mention them. (Some simply don't read them....so that's one reason.) Some people know I often put up boundaries with my personal life and it is almost though the blog is public it still doesn't open doors to those conversations. They're right....sometimes I don't want to discuss it. But really, if I put it out there you are free to question me about it. If I don't care to share additional details or discuss anything more than was written, I am comfortable telling you that. Or even if not comfortable, I will. Unless you catch me off guard and I reveal more than I would have liked.

I try not to attack people as I write, so any person I write about negatively (there haven't been many), the innocents, and most others in general, remain anonymous. If I can uplift someone, or tell a real life story about those who have made my life or the lives of others better, I may name those names. It always depends on circumstances and how I feel at the time. I have talked about people in blogs that never read it and have no clue they were ever mentioned. I've had a few others notice themselves even well shielded....including people I was out of touch with that I never, ever would have thought read my blog. Still others think I am talking about them....and I wasn't at all.

A group of you read my blog regularly and are such an encouragement. Some comment on the blog itself or on Facebook, some message me, some bring up points you found interesting in our general conversation, some even ask to get together to discuss something that particularly resonates with you. Hearing the reactions is always fun....even when you disagree with me. No one has ever been very hostile, even when I discuss controversial topics or think totally differently about a subject than you do. Some of you have shared certain blogs on your Facebook page, increasing the audience beyond my expectations, and that amazes me each and every time. That always brings a sense of "wow". A few have told me they have printed certain ones off and read them over and over again. I've had strangers meet me and say they have read one, acquaintances who I run into who tell me they read it all the time. It always stuns me. As I said before, I usually write for me....though in time I have learned that part of the exercise of blogging is that I publicly expose part of who I am and what I believe...being willing to be vulnerable and face whatever the reaction from whoever stumbles across it. For an introvert that is both terrifying and in a weird way exhilarating.

So thank you for reading. I have grown in writing this blog and have developed more discipline than I would have thought possible. It scares me to think where it will take me next.....but at this stage of life I enjoy doing things that scare me. I told someone recently that I feared that I had gotten so vulnerable (for me!) that next they may find me jumping naked off a cliff. At this stage in life you never quite know where you go or what you'll try next. You have been warned. It may not be pretty.

The Church Going

Recently the call to worship at the church I attended included the words "We do not go to church, we are the church going." I love those words, because we so often make the church something very different than it is. Something very different than us. How easy is it to view the church as a building, or everyone going to those buildings, or as everyone other than us? How easy is it to point our fingers outward in accusation? Building or not, no matter our measure of faith, those of us who believe are the church.

Most of us grew up thinking of the church as the building we went to every Sunday morning at exactly 11:00 a.m. (and Sunday nights and Wednesday nights for many of my friends...it was not mandatory in the McKinney household.) I was fortunate that when I went to our particular church building I was greeted by many wonderful people. Even as a child, they greeted me with smiles, they talked to me, laughed with me, encouraged me, and even reprimanded me when necessary. They taught me the truth of scripture, as they believed it. I can not tell you the words of any particular lesson or sermon (and truthfully sometimes they were a bit dull), but I can tell you the folks there loved me. Because of who they were and the example they set, and because of the way my parents led our family with consistency and truth (even sometimes acknowledging the truth of unbelief), I was able to learn to trust God without scars.I have many friends that were not that fortunate. They grew to hate the church. It was not the building they hated, of course (though a few grew to hate the building, too, as a symbol of their pain), but the people who they met at the building. The real church.

One of my friends, as a young child, walked up upon a couple of women in the church talking negatively about her. A precious little girl. They didn't notice her there. Her immediate family were not regular church attenders, but she had attended Sunday School with a relative. But their words crushed her. For well into adulthood. Possibly for life. That was the last time she attended church. She became hostile to churches and the people who frequent them.

Others I know were given impossible standards to live up to - reams of requirements that all "good Christians" must do and be. If you weren't their idea of a "good Christian", doing all things the exact same way the others were doing it, you weren't worthy of acceptance and set apart from the rest of the body. Shunned. Or ridiculed.

It has been implied to many that you must be a believer to walk in the doors of a church building....and not just be a believer, but see all things and believe all things as the rest of that particular group of people. To question or doubt...that in itself can be seen as sin. And should sin enter a church building? Some evidently say no. I say "what better place?" How often do we alienate or exclude or even fail people by rejecting them because they don't fit in a certain package?

And then there are the churches filled with passionless unbelievers, who try to put lipstick on a pig and make you think that's what Christianity is all about. Somehow they manage to convince people or confuse people....those who are not thinking for themselves or those who feel that anyone speaking with confidence knows what they are talking about.

But Jesus.....loves the church. Loves the people who enter those buildings joyfully, loves those who fight an internal battle whenever they enter, loves those who can't bring themselves to cross that threshold because of the pain and fear that courses through their bodies. Jesus even loves those who are the biggest hypocrites and effectively "ruin it" for the dear hearts that need to be there and need to be loved.

Scripture calls the church "the bride of Christ", and I love that image. A bride who is joined with the groom, united in a bond not visible to the eye but one that connects souls. Together they greet all of the wedding guests who gather to share the ceremony, drink wine with them and toast their union, eat cake to sweeten the celebration, and spend the day joyously making memories.

I once attended the wedding of a close friend (the groom). His bride ignored "his" wedding guests who had come long distances to celebrate with him and resented his attempts to spend time with us. It put a different kind of spin on the wedding. The wedding and reception were beautiful and "perfect" (well, except when the minister bungled the name of the groom...an accident?)....but we didn't feel very welcome. Afterward we really didn't care if we ever saw the bride again. The sad part was that the wedding was also the last time I saw the groom, this guy who had been a dear friend. The bride effectively separated us from him.

If you believe in God, you are the church, even if your faith is small. If the church is the bride, which bride are you? Are you the one who dearly loves and celebrates your bridegroom, who loves "his" people, and welcomes them into your world? Or are you the bride of my former friend...who ignores, discourages, excludes, depresses, forms cliques, and cuts the bridegroom off from those he loves? 

My introvert side often comes out in church buildings. Often I sprint for the door as soon as the service is over. I'm working on this, but it is a slow process. One step forward, ten steps back, over and over again. Thankfully I serve a loving and patient God. Still, I know I often do a disservice to others who may be aching for someone to notice them. I have responsibilities to the others around me.

Those of you who feel hurt or alienated from the rest of the church, take a step towards us. Maybe walk in a door to a church building if it has been a while. If you are not greeted warmly, or noticed, know that the issue is not with you, but with them. But that doesn't give you an excuse to cop out and run away. Remember you are the the church, too. You have a responsibility to show them the way you think the church should be. Love the people in their building. Penetrate through their walls. Often church buildings are inhabited by some of the least welcoming folks you'll ever find. But that should not be the case. The buildings should be a refuge to anyone who wants or needs to gain faith or share it with others. It should be the place that God lives, and his bride (the church) should be the welcoming hostess. But the church should not only reside inside those walls. We should be everywhere in the world, loving our bridegroom openly and delighting in all that is his...and ours. We should not just go to church....we should be the church going. Active, alive, and loving God's creations.

On Voting When You Don't Believe In Any of Them

We vote the primaries in North Carolina on March 15. I dread it. I have no more idea of who I am going to vote for than before any candidate decided to run. I look at my sample ballot and all it does is fill me with confusion. I hate that feeling.

It brings back memories of when I was in college and the presidential election was upon us. I had a conversation with a classmate whose opinion was that our world would go to hell in a handbasket if Reagan was elected. He was passionate and convincing. He confused me terribly. It was the first time I ever dealt with such strong political opinions of the negative variety. Before I had just heard the positives...why people were voting for a political candidate. This was the first time I really thought about why you would vote against. As a new voter, it added a new dimension. As someone who took voting very seriously, it added some pressure. It made me remember that how I voted could change the lives of the people around me. Could change the lives of my friends and family.

I'd love  to pass on voting in this primary. Had I changed my voting affiliation to "Independent" as I had planned, I could pick an easier primary to vote in should I choose. Honestly the only reason I haven't is that I suspect an "Independent" status would mean twice the number of political phone calls. (Does anyone really change their mind based on those calls? Do people really listen?) So no....I have to vote in my "chosen" party's primary - which really doesn't represent who I am as a person. At the moment none do.

Our local elections are a bit easier for me, though I feel a bit less prepared this time than I have in a long time. I  feel like I monitor the impact of their offices easier than the candidates whose work is a bit farther away from me and more difficult to directly observe. Because really....how do you judge a president? Oh yes, you can judge by their overall views on specific issues. But the impact of their presidency? So many factors are at play and the results of their presidency impacted by so many others. Much of the impact is seen not while they are in office, but long after their presidency is over.

I will vote on Tuesday, because I believe it is a privilege and a responsibility, though I suspect that it may make me queasy. More media has not helped the process. How do you separate the wheat from the chaff? Truth from rumors? Good opinions from bad opinions? The sincere from the liars? I don't feel that I have mastered the process. I know I look at voting differently than most people. I feel no strong party affiliation, and I try to remove the opinions of the self proclaimed "those who know best" from my perimeter. Those who find voting to be too easy are not necessarily those to whom I want to pay too much attention.

I'll vote for some people, I will vote against others. At times I will vote for people whose views may not be my own, because I think they have a voice that needs to be represented in the political system. I will think and I will pray. I will take it seriously. But I will try to keep it in perspective. And when this primary and subsequent elections are over I will respect those in office because they are our chosen leaders. Even if they are not the leaders I chose. Because in today's times so many don't and I can't see how the total disrespect helps the process. It makes a mockery of the "United" States. "Together we stand, divided we fall." I still believe it.

God allows leaders to become leaders, both good and bad ones. There are reasons and there are consequences. Ultimately, I believe God is bigger than not only our leaders, but bigger than the will of our people. In that I find comfort. So while I don't believe in any of the candidates, I do believe in God and that is my highest affiliation. So I will vote with no fear, but with trust in our future, because I am God's.

When They're "Just Not That Into You"

Prologue - There are some things in my life that are incredibly difficult to write about, but these days I think perhaps they are the most important for me to tackle. These are the things we tend to hold in, our private miseries that expose us as vulnerable and human, bringing all of our insecurities to the surface and making us fear that exposing them them may make us have to admit some of them as true.

But if I try to articulate this when I am still trying to come to terms with it all, it may help others who are going through it themselves. Or it may remind them that they are not alone. Because the story isn't unusual and many of us share it. And from being there with many others who have gone through it (and having gone through it myself a time or two), I know there really should be no shame in it. I have always been very private about my romantic life, at the threat-to-national-security security clearance level (as friends and family can attest), but when trying to live out loud we sometimes need to share parts of that story....because it is a very big part of who we are.

I found myself falling for him, this guy I knew. He was intelligent and funny. Compassionate. Kind. He had the ability to be friends with both men and women, something important to me, who counts both among my closest friends. I have had to end several relationships because men were not comfortable with this part of my life. He gave me great advice, advice that rang true with who I am and what I believe. He encouraged me to do hard things and supported me as I did them. He told me stories that were both funny and heartbreaking. He was easy to talk with on any number of subjects. We could go from silly to serious in the same sentence. I could say anything without offending or embarrassing. He made my life better and more fun.

But, as I look back, there was never any true indication that he was interested in me as more than a friend. Oh, I wanted to make it so. He banters well, and is engaging and flirty. I read more into it than he ever intended. I thought maybe his feelings were on the same level as mine. The "maybe" in that sentence is significant....a part of me also knew maybe not. Probably not. The sign I wanted to ignore? While we were in constant communication, he never craved spending time with me. He would never inconvenience himself for me. He was satisfied with a text life and not much more. I struggled with that throughout, but would always make excuses for it. He was tired, he was stressed, his life was just too complicated now. All true, and possibly real factors, but still when it gets down to it, it really doesn't matter. The conclusion is the same. I was trying to force a relationship.

Sometimes you have to face the fact that they're "just not that into you". My friend Steve raised a lot of that to the surface when I was explaining it all to him and he made me answer out loud the questions I had been asking myself. Not liking the answers I had tried to avoid them and spin them into something that was not quite the truth. But I can't lie, or avoid the truth, with good friends or when speaking out loud. Steve's line of questioning was quite like a deprogramming. My mind had joined the cult of stupid and I needed to face facts. Stellar friend that he is, Steve was not going to let me stay in my fantasy land, which was a fun place to be most of the time, quite honestly, and I did resist vacating the premises.

Steve kept going back to a few points. The biggest, the one that would cover all of my excuses, was "Men are simple. You're trying to make him complicated." I was. I could come up with believable reasons for all inconsistent behavior. But as Steve pointed out, if a man is really interested in you, they will crave your presence. Their nature will force them to pursue you. It will not seem like an inconvenience, or too much work, or something that will add stress to their life. Relationships, good relationships, make life richer and take stress away. The phrase I like to use is "salve for the soul." Good relationships heal us and strengthen us and make us feel better about who we are. If someone really wants that relationship with you, nothing will get in the way of making it happen.

Other questions that Steve asked me several times (being a lawyer he would ask me to answer the same questions over and over until he felt that I "got it") was "Do you think you are good for him? Do you think you would make his life better?" Those questions seemed weird to me at first, but when I said "Yes!" for about the third time Steve said "Then can you see that this is about him, it's not about you?" While I still struggle with this conclusion, it did make me look at it in a different light. I think we were/are good for each other. Truth is that at this time he just didn't fully want what I had to offer. He didn't share my vision of us. Or, darn it, he just wasn't really attracted to me. Whatever the truth, we just weren't in sync. And no matter what, you can't dictate another person's point of view. Nor should you want to.

But it is most important to say that this guy is not a jerk (as we often tell our friends they are when a guy isn't interested in them) for not feeling about me the way I feel about him. You feel what you feel. So many factors impact. There is often no rhyme or reason. When I looked back at it all, the signs are so clear. He had never made promises or proclamations or had done anything but be who he was, where he was. I see now that in some ways he warned me. He told me what his priorities were and a romantic relationship wasn't one of them. But the logical conclusion just wasn't where I wanted to head, so I ignored it.

This weekend (after my de-programming was complete) I finally did tell him that I had realized he "just wasn't that into me" (by text....it seemed fitting, though that may have been wrong. I'm not always brave), and he somewhat tried to deny it. He said he felt we were headed in the relationship direction, but we were becoming friends first. He said he just wanted to proceed into the relationship slowly because he had made the mistake of moving too fast in the past. But he really didn't argue with any sort of intensity. I think he was just being kind. Or is shielding himself from the reality, too. I'm fine with moving slowly in relationships, in being friends first. I think that is often a wise course of action. But even when developing friendships you need/you want to spend time together. If there is always an excuse not to do so, does that person really want to be your friend ? Your real friends find ways to spend time with you, even when their lives are busy or there are other obstacles. They open their life up to you. They draw you close. Because once again, you are salve to their soul and they to yours. You interest them, you delight them. You are not a burden that adds to their load. If you're keeping each other at arm's length (or keeping miles between you, all of the time), how is it possible to grow a relationship? There's slow and there's no.

It's tough to be single. I really don't want to go through this part of my life alone, but alone is much better than hanging out in someone's waiting room for an appointment that is not on their schedule. During this time of life I am resolved to be braver, take chances, and boldly go after what I want. I deal with reality, operate from a position of strength....and try to overcome my weakness. 

Truth is I want to share my life now with a great love. It may not ever happen, but I remain hopeful and open to it. I will continue to look for someone with this guy's great qualities - someone smart, funny, mature, kind, hard-working, and an encouragement to me being the best me I can be - but I also need someone who is willing, ready, and able to hold my hand and jump into the relationship together. Settling for less leads to heartbreak almost all of the time. If he couldn't jump with me, it was time to walk away from the possibility and instead be available for another guy. A guy who will look at me and smile and willingly (and a bit recklessly), reach for my hand and jump. If you run into this guy, send him my way. Because I am ready for him now. I am also willing to wait for him and I still vow not to settle for less.

Postscript - It was incredibly painful (and frankly a bit humiliating) as I began writing this, but I knew I had to do it. Even if the idea of it made a bit sick. Once I started, I found it helped my perspective. Several of my friends have been through various relationship disasters lately, and have bravely shared with me their personal pain. I need to be willing to do the same, but to even do it a bit more openly. I think we need to discuss these things with each other more, and not keep them hidden. We need to release it and be open to better. When we hold it in, often we end up letting it do major damage....such as making us see ourselves as less than we are....and hardening ourselves to the beautiful possibilities we can gain by learning from our mistakes (if we made mistakes) and being ready for what comes next.

Truth is this....it's been worth every emotion given or gained. I don't regret a moment. I am not broken....though admittedly there are a few cracks. They will heal and make me stronger and more interesting. My life is richer for knowing him and having gone through it all. Hopefully he will come to trust me as a friend, as I do him.

The most important lesson I've taken away for my single friends? There are amazing folks out there (this guy an example....not an exclusion). We need to keep our eyes open and try until the right combination and the right timing clicks into place. We need to enjoy the journey until we realize it's not good for us, or them, and then we move away and towards something that is. I have tons of amazing single friends. Really spectacular women and men. When you other singles find one that attracts your attention.....don't hesitate to get to know them. They just may be waiting for you. Be kind, and as honest as you can be throughout. If things don't work out, end it well and turn around and try again. Let's explore the possibilities and have fun in the pursuit. It should be fun, and it shouldn't shatter us. Because they're "just not into us" does not mean we are lacking. It means nothing except it's time to move on towards someone who is.