What I Learned In Police School

My class and instructors. In the spirit of the school, picture from Jennifer Cowan.
Used without permission.

OK, maybe I am the only one who calls it police school. The Statesville Police Department and others call it the Citizen's Academy. We met for ten Tuesday nights (or rather nine Tuesdays and one Thursday makeup) and were taught by some of the top officers in the Statesville Police Department. We also spent four hours in dispatch (some of us a couple of hours longer, because we are people who need closure...and we enjoyed it), and another four hours riding around with a police officer (most of us with young officers.) We spent a lot of time talking about the different areas of police work and why they do what they do. It was fun and it was interesting and we had some good conversation.

This was going to be a very different blog before the Ferguson decision. As I have been watching news coverage, it is through the eyes of what I recently learned and it crystallized some of what I have been thinking about. Justice is complicated. And as those who know me personally can guess, what I learned is not necessarily what was taught.

Our Statesville police officers don't all believe the same thing. They often have similar views overall, but their opinions can vary on some things. I loved that some would discuss it openly, not in a way that was disrespectful to the department, but as family who discuss these things amongst themselves often and can agree to disagree. And learn from each other in the process. All seemed to be respectful...of each other, of citizens, and of authority. Healthy debate....good food for thought.

I was impressed with the way they described how police work has changed over the years. The goal is for safety....how do they best keep our citizens safe? It is not always going after everyone breaking the law, heading out on a high speed chase. It is not always writing a ticket, not always about making an arrest. It's not about being the biggest and baddest and the one who has the power to throw their weight around the most. It is being a presence, being alert to what it going on, paying attention to the safety of the city. Their best police weapons are their communication skills and their judgment. There are supposedly no ticket quotas...in fact, there seemed to be a bit of disdain for the cop who writes tickets whenever possible (though support of the right to do so.) Some officers enjoy writing them more than others. Some probably have personal quotas. Tickets and arrests are a reality of the system and sometimes necessary to get to a point of justice. Just a hint., though...tickets and arrests happen more often when you are belligerent and disrespectful, or challenge their authority. I shouldn't have to tell you that, but some have not learned that lesson.

We had a whole session about the use of force, when it was appropriate, when it wasn't. All in all, you can't get around the fact that it is all based on human judgment. The instructor said something like this "You have to feel that you are in danger, but how do you judge this?" He did an exercise when he was approaching me....and told me to tell him when it started to feel intimidated. That point of intimidation varies for all. And we talked about someone holding a gun....at what point does it become a threat? When you see the gun? When their arm starts to rise? When they shoot you dead?

He talked about situations where he as a veteran cop may view the danger very differently than a rookie. He talked about teaching young cops how to make good judgments in those situations, but also admitted that it is almost impossible to teach judgment. Some never learn this well....and so the decisions of how even a veteran can handle a particular situation will vary greatly.

We experienced those judgment calls ourselves when we went through a simulation during our last class. They are full size videos, and you are in the midst of them, your laser gun in hand and ready to go. (I understand the officers have their guns holstered when they do theirs.) The officer running the simulation can change things based on your actions and reactions, or even at his will. The first situation I faced was a lady angry after I stopped her in a traffic stop. She got out of the car and was belligerent. She reached back into her car and I paused. Surely she was just reaching for her license (though I had asked her to get on the ground and had not asked for her license.) She pulled out a gun, and at the same time a guy in the passenger seat also got out of the car and started shooting at me. I hesitated with her until I saw her gun, and didn't even notice her companion. Yep, I would have been dead. It does make a person think!

The officers told us about a real life situation in SC that was similar. It was a routine traffic stop where the guy reached into his car. The officer shot him, as his raised arm came out of the car, holding his wallet. The officer had asked for his license, but evidently got skittish when the man reached into his car. The whole thing was captured on the police cam video. The officer did not follow proper procedure, but something had scared him and made him react. Your license should be in your pants pocket, right? The officer asked for the license and the guy was just getting it, right? Assumptions on either, or both, sides can be wrong. My guess is that the officer's mind will play that mental tape over and over in his mind for the rest of his life. Why did he shoot him? Was his fear justified? We can look at it and say no justification indeed, but if that was us...what would we do? (This just happened in September, so is still unresolved. The good news is the guy that was shot several times lived.)

When doing my ride-along, I watched a gentleman get arrested for assault on his fiancee's son. He was 28, the son 17. He was black, the son white. The man allegedly threw the son out of their apartment, after the kid got in an argument with his brother and then with his mother (when she tried to take his cell phone away as punishment.) He left a mark around the area of the kid's neck. The man arrested was unfailingly polite to the officer. The officer was the same to him. I felt sympathy for both. And I also felt sympathy for the child, who I had seen looking weepy and defeated when he told the officer about it in the parking lot when we arrived. Not sure whose side I was on, to be honest. Teenaged boys can be horrid. Disciplining teenagers can get out of hand. Disciplining other people's kids is even harder. You can go "too far", but what is too far? Marks on the neck did seem like a justification for arrest. Truthfully, though, I felt like telling the guy arrested "Get out....you're only 28. You're not ready to be dealing with this drama." But that drama is the everyday life of many relationships and the subject of many of the calls the police answer.

The looters and arsonists and those perpetuating violence in Ferguson were caught up in the drama of life, too. For those who have no understanding, and wonder why innocent business owners were seemingly targeted, I will say that rage is blind. And anger is fear disguised. And testosterone and hormones can get the best of us when our emotions are thrown into the mix. And people live different lives. And when you think the world is against you, sometimes you react against the world. You don't notice, or at the moment care, who you are striking out towards. Not to say there should not be consequences to those who commit crimes, because I do believe in that, but there are usually reasons for what people do. They said on the news that most out on the street were young. Everything seems more vivid and critical when you're young and it is easy to get caught up in the feelings of the moment. A young man was killed. He had allegedly committed a crime. It appears there could have been a struggle between him and the officer. "You shouldn't have done it!" Easy to say to both of them in retrospect and when you were not in their shoes. I am sure both would have done things differently if life gave us the opportunity for instant replays. That is the tragedy.

When it gets down to it, police officers are human. The "criminals" and "victims" they deal with are also human. Our communities, they are made up of people who are human. Humans do unbelievably heroic things. We also do unbelievably stupid things.  We think we would do something a certain way, but when in midst of a tense situation we react differently than we ever would have believed. Still, we need to try to be prepared to deal with these things as best we can. What do we learn from Ferguson? There are layers, and all of us need to examine ourselves and our fears and our systems and learn from them all. What if your son was the one shot? What if the officer that shot him was your best friend? What if your 19-year old was in a rage after hearing this verdict about the one who killed their friend, and you couldn't stop them from leaving your home and heading to the streets? What if you were a business owner whose property was destroyed, over a cause that you were never publicly involved in? What if you were a policeman in the area, knowing what could happen in your town once that verdict was announced and your job required you be in the middle of whatever happened....wearing your uniform, part of the system being judged.

Tragedies happen, but we can't just close our eyes and think they don't impact us. Ferguson affects us all. We're not where we need to be yet. Law enforcement personnel are not respected. Racism still exists. People on all sides of the spectrum are battered and bruised and scarred and often have lost the art of good communication. We are frustrated and we stuff it...until we can't any more. We explode and implode. We get to the place where there only seem to be victims....or where everyone seems to be guilty. Or we feel we grasp it all and understand exactly how it should be. But you probably don't.

Like I said before, justice is complicated. With human beings so prominent in the equation, we can't have a perfect system. Where do we draw lines? When do we err on the side of justice and when do we err on the side of mercy? One thing I believe....we need to care about the system all the time, not just when the system is under media glare. We should keep it on our radar, not only being its watchdogs, but as those who require the system do its job, keep us safe and respect our property. We should report crime, testify when we see it, press charges when they are needed, serve on jury duty when called. We have responsibility as citizens to know what's going on with our law enforcement system, our justice system,  and in our community. The police can't do it without us. Together we are a powerful force to be reckoned with. We can make this world safer. That's what I learned in police school.

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Grateful

"Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."

John Wooden

"Pride slays thanksgiving, but a humble mind is the soil out of which thanks naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves."
Henry Ward Beecher

"When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?"
Gilbert E. Chesterton

 

 

When I am at my most whiny, and finally reach a point of self-awareness, usually I realize something about me. I am self-centered. When I am self-centered, I am petulant. When I am petulant, other people have a more difficult time meeting my expectations. When people have a harder time meeting my expectations, they disappoint me. When people disappoint me, I whine. And so it goes!

It's not just you I do this with. I do it with God. Oh yes, I know...."how could you, you dirty rotten Christian?" It's quite easy. It's a relationship, like my other relationships. None of my feelings are necessarily based on truth, or on inadequacies in others, or me being right. It's where I go. It's what I do. It's part of my pattern. It's one way I sin.

We've all got a pattern that takes us in a wrong direction. Yours may be different than mine. Yours may look a lot cooler. It may not be something that anyone else knows. But it is your dirty little secret that separates you from God. Chances are, it is something that simply puts you first and God a distant second. Chances are it is a reflection of your own self-centeredness.

When we think a bit too much of ourselves, it is difficult to be grateful. It is difficult to say thank you and really mean it. We'll be polite....and say it. But is it by rote instead of by truth?

I hate being told what to do. Even something that seems as benign as being thankful. Sometimes I just don't feel it. Sometimes I roll my eyes at the glowing words of "things I am thankful for" because I know some of the backstories. I know that some who speak the words the longest and the loudest, are not living lives that appear to reflect gratitude for what they have. They treat these people and things they say they are most thankful for with dismissal. Yeah, it's not just "them." It's me.

I also know some who seem to have a pretty rotten lot in life. Sick and battered bodies, loves lost, contentious people to deal with, money that won't stretch to meet needs, unmet expectations, unrealized dreams. How can they be thankful for that? But oh, as I have seen with so many lately, they can be and are! It's a beautiful thing.

Regardless of our circumstance, regardless of how we feel, we should "do" thanksgiving. We should make it a physical act, a mental exercise. We need to take inventory of those things that are important to us and see if we're living lives where we're grateful for those things. It's easy for our lives to become unbalanced. Sometimes we don't spend our time with those who we say are most important to us, sometimes we don't live the values we say we hold for our lives. Sometimes we don't recognize the gifts of our life. Sometimes we see nothing except ourselves. When we just see ourselves, it's difficult to be thankful for the other things. It's difficult for us to really enjoy our life.

Thanksgiving by its nature should carry a bit of humility. Being thankful requires we look beyond ourselves. It also requires we look at ourselves for what we really are. Imperfect. Not deserving of the great things that permeate our lives. Not deserving of the other imperfect people who love us, even imperfectly. The stuff. The jobs, even when they are "work". The opportunities. The freedom. The wealth.

Being thankful requires we look just at ourselves, and not weigh our bounty against the bounty of others. Because really....how can we be thankful when we are busy measuring? Impossible multi-tasking (even for us women.)

At this time of year when we hear a lot about thankfulness, it's OK to roll your eyes on occasion. (Yep, that's just me giving myself permission because it is bound to happen.) But as we start a "thankful list", know it will be long. For all of us. More than we need. Most of what we want. But the list only has significance if we live it. If we are grateful for it. Grateful enough that we change our lives. That we love people actively. That we use our stuff and share our stuff. That we realize that whatever our circumstance God has given us exceedingly, abundantly more than we deserve. (I just love those words.) If you don't see it that way, you're not really thankful.

Our whiny selves don't have much of a reason to whine. Because we are the recipients of a graciousness that is amazing. Life. Our world. Our God. Our gifts. Not given out in order of the best of us, or the worst. Just because. We don't have to be deserving, but to really appreciate what we have we do need to be grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving. May you be more than content with your lot. May you be aware of it and grateful for it. Enjoy celebrating the bounty that is yours.

Oh Getting Picked Last

I was scarred in elementary school. I think many of us were. There you are, six years old and feeling pretty good about yourself and you go to school. I have no clue when picking teams at recess started, but I believe it may have been that year. It really doesn't matter when. At some point during those early school years I remember first feeling that panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when teams were being picked and my name wasn't called. Little did I know that that feeling would follow me far into adulthood.

I've got a relatively healthy self esteem. Most days I like me. I like that I'm a woman of opinions and convictions. I believe we have a responsibility to not just float through life. I like that I usually live my life consistent with my beliefs. I'm OK with most of the choices I've made in life. Oh, not all....not even close. I'm not someone who will tell you that I wouldn't change a thing if I were given the chance, because "then I wouldn't be the person I am today." Pshhhh! No....there is much I would change. I'd like to be a different person, an even better person. I'd like to have been more adventurous...to not have played it so safe. I'd like to be less petty, less envious, less sensitive to the opinions of others. A better champion for others. More sensitive to feelings....or rather more active upon my sensitivities. I'd like to be even more reactive to the God-breath that blows through me. Too often I don't let it carry me. I hold myself back.

But that "pitty" feeling. Or maybe I should call it that pity feeling. Because really, isn't that what it is? A dose of self pity? Instead of having the esteem of a child of God, letting perfectly flawed people ruin it for us? Instead of going through life in an uninhibited dance, we instead get weighted down by the opinions of others. Or instead of feeling like a masterpiece of the Creator, we feel like....less!

We're imperfect. So are the others around us. Sometimes I feel shut out, but sometimes I get a glimpse of how I shut other people out. How I don't notice them because I am too wrapped up in me. I need to stop the focus on me and make it about someone else. Because really.....if the focus is not on us that feeling in the pit of our stomach seems to mysteriously stay away. At least in my case it does.

I'm an introvert who loves people. I'm someone who loves community. But I think sometimes I naturally put up barriers that isolate me. I think sometimes I still wait to get picked for a team....and walk away if it doesn't seem to be happening. That's no one else's fault, really. Who am I to think others are responsible for engaging me and planning my life? For some of us there is probably always going to be the natural fear of rejection when we try to engage with others. I have a few friends that seem to prefer to be the planners. When I have tried to initiate an activity, they aren't interested. When that happens several times, I tend to fade in the background. Is that wrong? I don't know.

We're in a world where a lot of people self-isolate. While a few may prefer it that way, I don't think most do. I think we want to belong, we want to be engaged. Is it technology that disconnects us? Sometimes, but I know at least for myself it can also be the thing that keeps me connected. Recently an online friend (who has never met me in person) sent me a message to check on me. It was a weekend where I was feeling especially cut off from the world, and it gave me a big boost. It made me connect to someone who noticed something a bit unusual from my norm.....all the way in a different country! 

But technology probably also shows us where our social life falls short. We see others doing all kinds of different things, and we think we're the only one at home on our couch. From my informal survey....no, we're not!

We're often too tired to plan (or is that just me?), too lazy to try to engage (even though technology makes that almost laughable), and I think we have just overall lost basic social skills and knowledge of hospitality. We tend to cling to the familiar and don't realize those that are dis-connected. We aren't on the lookout for those who also may be finding it difficult and we don't realize all of the folks who would love the pleasure of our company.

We also just misunderstand people. We're not as perceptive as we think. People often think I am a mad extrovert, just waiting for the next social event. They don't know the sometimes paralyzingly fear I face before I attend an event, and the high level of internal persuasion that goes on to make myself follow through when I say I will attend. Even when I know people who will be there and have a pretty good idea it will be OK. If not for a basic belief that it is rude to back out at the last minute, I would back out often! I will probably have figured out where all the points of exit are within three minutes of arriving....and I will admit that sometimes I have hidden out in my car for periods of time when I can't leave the event completely and there aren't enough "comfy" people around (those to whom an introvert can attach themselves to get through a social event.) I know I am not the only one who does these things (and a few other secrets I won't share)....but your secret is safe with me!

We live in a world where it is easy to get lost. I think it is easy to hide away. I don't think it is emotionally healthy. I had to laugh a bit at myself recently when I hadn't been around people for a few days and then was. Bless the hearts of those I was around...I talked a blue streak! Thankfully they were kind. Thankfully they were understanding. And thankfully I finally realized what I was doing and said "So, how are you?"....and listened to their answer.

The days of choosing teams should be over. But if for you it is not, give me the sign and I will pick you. And I will also give you a trophy for participation. There are times I don't believe that is lame at all!

Go Fish!

If you're looking to play a human version of "Go Fish", you probably should not invite me to play. You know the game. Instead of asking if they have any 3's, they say "I'm a nice person, right?" "I'm smarter than average, right?" "I'm way prettier than her, right?" "I'm the right one in this situation, right?" My answer will probably be "Wrong!" ...because Stuart Smalley is in the room and I really like to annoy him.

Don't remember Stuart Smalley? He was that annoying, but still somewhat lovable, Saturday Night Live character played to perfection by Al Franken. Stuart had self-esteem issues and was always trying to bolster himself by repeating a litany of personal affirmations. I loved him. And hated him. Probably because he reminded me of a part of me I really don't like. I won't like it in you, either, so I simply can't play along if you try to draw me into the game.
 

Many/most of us are insecure on some level. Truth is, we're not perfect and there are plenty of people around who want to remind us of that fact often.  Sometimes we obsess over this. Sometimes we play to the crowd. It often takes a long time for us to realize that we'll never get the approval of all. Some folks are quite stingy dishing it out. Some people don't want to celebrate the good things about you because they think it detracts from the greatness of them. Some just have negative eyes....they delight in what they see as the imperfections. They celebrate the perceived flaws of others. They bond with others of like minds and tear people down instead of building people up. Truly they are not the type of people who you want to please anyway. And then there are those that just have no clue you have an issue... you think they are putting you down and they really aren't paying any attention to you at all!

I guess I could answer those questions for you honestly, because normally they are true. But really, does it matter? Do I help you when I answer them? It really doesn't matter what the truthful answer to those questions are. Most are subjective and they may change with the situation. And you're not really fishing for a long analysis of yourself now, are you? You're simply fishing for compliments.

When we look at ourselves in the mirror, shouldn't we see the image of God? Isn't it the voice of Satan that hits the extremes.....that says "Hey you....you're not all that great!", or "Why aren't you....good enough?", or the other extreme "You are perfect just the way you are". The voice of God will say "Even though I know you inside and out, you are my precious ones" and "Come to me....just the way you are now. There is no need to hide. I know you and I still want a relationship with you."

Not much in this life requires that we be perfect. Often when we think it does, we not only waste a lot of energy but we don't fulfill our purpose. The truly amazing things in life are done by those who seem inadequate. Who don't seem to have what it takes. They are forced to look to God to get their power. And that is power that changes the world.

Don't waste precious minutes of life consumed by the opinions of others. You shouldn't feel inadequate in the company of people who love you...but when you do, is that feeling coming from you or from them? If it is them, find someone else to play with. But if it is coming from you....get over yourself!

So if asked to play the human game "Go Fish!", I am not your woman. It's not that I don't think you're amazing, but instead it is because I want you to be strong and real. You don't need meaningless flattery. You need friends who know who you are and love you anyway.....and don't engage in pointless questions that, if answered, need to be answered by you.

When it gets down to it, you're good enough and smart enough, and doggone it people like you! But get your focus off that. There are other fish you could catch that will actually provide nourishment.