Behind the Charm and the Beauty

Day 31 in Proverbs

Proverbs 31:8-9 "But you must defend those who are helpless and have no hope.  Be fair and give justice to the poor and homeless."

Proverbs 31: 28-29 "Her children praise her, and with great pride her husband says, 'There are many good women, but you are the best!'"

Proverbs 31:30 "Charm can be deceiving, and beauty fades away, but a woman who honors the Lord deserves to be praised.  Show her respect - praise her in public for what she has done."

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The description of the "Proverbs 31 woman" intimidates me.  I'm quite certain that if you read the description, I am not who immediately came to your mind!  I have friends who I see in the description, though, or who strive to be like her.  I definitely do respect them for all that they do.  Even if I had the marriage and the children, I am not sure I could live up to the ideals.  But I hope I would make the attempt.  

In successful relationships, there is work to be done.  We need to be willing to do whatever we can to support those who are our family.  When people talk about having a 50-50 relationship, I generally roll my eyes.  No true relationship is ever that balanced.  Someone generally has to give more, and someone needs to receive more.  The percentages of who is giving and who is receiving should change from time to time, and should weigh more heavily in each direction on a regular basis.  Problems occur when one person is doing almost all of the giving, and one person is doing all of the receiving.  Both parties need to be willing to make the sacrifices that will bond them closer.  They need to care for each other so much that they don't feel the sacrifice....they just want to make their partner's life better.

I was having a conversation with one of my friends the other day and we were talking about marriage.  She was celebrating her 28th wedding anniversary.  They've accomplished a lot in that time.  They will continue to do so.  As their friend, one of the things that makes me smile is how they work together to build their life.  She supports him, and he supports her.  Even after all of this time, it is obvious they genuinely and practically care for each other.  When we were talking she said "He really is my best friend.  There is no one in the world I would rather spend time with."  That hasn't been built by emotions, which can flounder....it has been built because they both are willing to sacrifice for each other and make each other the primary focus of their lives.  I know each looks at each other they say to themselves "You are the best and I am glad I chose you!"  I see it every time I am around them.

I have seen a lot of people in relationships who have a need to let everyone know constantly how very much in love they are and often put on public demonstrations of their affection.  Those are usually the relationships that fail.  It's more about showing off than anything else....and when you show off in that way, you usually are a bit self centered and trying to get outside affirmation for inside deficiencies.  Not a great recipe for a long term relationship.  True love generally is quieter than that.....it's less public.  It's not necessary that others notice how great you are as a couple....it's right there between you and solid.  When you are around other people,  you are so confident in the relationship that you both can give others attention and share your focus (while occasionally catching the eye of their partner across the room and smiling.) 

I'm not saying that you shouldn't share the good things about your relationship and praise the other person publicly.  You definitely should.  Personally I love when I hear my couple friends talk about their spouse like they made a good choice!  But your relationship should mostly reside between the two of you.  Relationships are never strengthened when you constantly either share the laundry list of your partner's faults with the world or have the need to constantly brag about how great the two of you are together.  Plus, it bores us!  (Note....sometimes you do need to talk to friends about what is going on in your relationship to gain perspective.  Just be wise about who you choose to talk to...and don't make it a public topic of conversation.)

A lot of people who focus on this chapter only notice that section about the women.  That's all you ever hear about.  There's something to be said for the "Proverbs 31 man", too, though. Men who make an effort to be caring and show it.  Who notice those with needs and have compassionate hearts to work to provide for them and defend them.  Who are involved in their community.  Who not only support their partner, but really do put them above all others.  Who don't just see their lives as a playground, or think their world is all about them and their needs, but are looking outside and noticing the needs of others.  Especially those they call family.  I love seeing that kind of man!

Charm and beauty are wonderful things, but they are very deceptive.  They're not always what they appear to be.  They can be illusions.  Their allure fades.  Those who honor God.....who are willing to do the work and get their hands dirty, who are willing to live sacrificially, those whose pride come from being people of purpose who care for others....those are the people we should aspire to be.  I am not the Proverbs 31 woman.  But I am surrounded by quite a few of them.  So yea to the Proverbs 31 woman....and to the Proverbs 31 man.  I am watching you, as are others.  May we all see you, and learn from you, and want to become more like you.  And may you be the kind of people we most respect.


(I made it through Proverbs blogging!!!!  There were times when I wondered if I would.  And also completed the 4,000 squat challenge during the month of July.  And had my annual physical and went on a cruise with my niece Maggie.  It has been a good month!  Happy birthday month to me!  Thank you Lord for another wonderful year of life....I know it is a gift and I hope you see I am using it well.  And if not, poke me!)

Far too Stupid to Be Considered Human

Day 30 in Proverbs

Proverbs 30:2 "Someone cries out to God 'I am completely worn out!  How can I last?' I am far too stupid to be considered human.  I never was wise and I don't understand what God is like.'"

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I just got home from work at 11:15, after leaving for work at 7:30 this morning.  No, I don't feel like writing a blog entry, but thought I needed a little decompression time, so figured I would give a read to the 30th chapter of Proverbs.  And "by coincidence", it does resonate in my life!  Pretty amazing that something can keep my attention after being buried in a spreadsheet most of the day!

I have a tendency towards insomnia.  Not usually due to stress....I tend to sleep when stressed out.  Several factors influence me.... restless legs syndrome, hormones, allergies....they all have been the reason at one time or another.  I can go pretty well without one night's sleep (my former youth group members will remember this came in handy to stop some of their nocturnal wanderings), but there comes a point after a few nights where I start to get a bit emotional.  And what happens when you get emotional?  You get a bit dramatic!  Yep, by around the second day I start getting a bit weepy.  Maybe short tempered (I tend to think that it is just everyone else being annoying, though maybe I could be contributing a bit.)  But generally I internalize it and start to feel sorry for myself and yep, all of a sudden I am feeling "far too stupid to be considered human."

Even when you know that your emotions are impacted by lack of sleep, sometimes you don't realize while all of a sudden you hate your life, you hate everything you need to do, you hate everyone who comes into your path!  It feels very real....it's only when your body gets back to normal that you start to realize maybe none of it was true.

A lot of times that is when you think that you don't understand God.... and obviously God doesn't understand you.  We're alternately calling out to him to help us, but also feeling that he's moved back a bit and is not listening to us.  Truth is, He not only hasn't moved, He knows exactly what is going on.

Lack of sleep can impact our lives, in the same way as lack of exercise, not drinking enough water or eating the wrong foods.  We need to take care of our body to live a full life.  I know I have a tendency to get focused on something (such as this project I have been working on) and my life gets out of balance.  And when my life gets out of balance, the emotions are fluctuating.

Right now I am emotionally tired, but since I passed on this phase of the project to someone else, I think recuperation may be coming in my future.  So that means the disciplines of my life need to get my life back into balance.  Eating well (and regularly), drinking enough water, exercising and getting to bed at a reasonable hour.  The things I have neglected.  I think I will go and start on that last one right now.  And maybe tomorrow, maybe the day after.....I will be less stupid, and I'll understand God (and everyone else) a little better. 

Are You the Zax in Everyone's Tracks?

Day 29 in Proverbs

Proverbs 29:1 "If you keep being stubborn after many warnings, you will suddenly discover you have gone too far."

"There is nothing in the world more stubborn than a corpse: you can hit it, you can knock it to pieces, but you cannot convince it."  Alexander Herzen

 

" In a couple of years, the new highway came through and they built it right over those two stubborn Zax and left them there, standing un-budged in their tracks."  Dr. Seuss

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One of my favorite Dr. Seuss stories is The Zax.   Oh, if you haven't read their story lately, you should.   (In my opinion, all adults should read Dr. Seuss on a regular basis.)

As the story goes, we have one Zax who travels north and one Zax who travels south, and at some point they meet on their journey.  Neither is willing to make one step in the other direction to make way for the other.  So they stand there, fighting, keeping their position, when a whole highway grows up around them.  They waste their lives standing their ground.  This battle becomes more important to them than anything else in their lives.

I have Zax tendencies.  In other words, I can be stubborn.  Probably why this is one of my all time favorite Dr. Seuss stories.  I think I noticed it the first time I read the story.  And learned from it.  From time to time that image of the Zax standing there with the highway around them comes to my mind.... and I realize I am just like them.

It's good to stick to your guns sometimes.  There are some issues that are important and sometimes we need to fight for them to the death.  But way too often the issues that we dig our heels in about are not really battles we should continue to fight.  In doing so, we lose the war.

I think we're all pretty stubborn in our own way.  Some very overtly so, others more subtly.  I have noticed that quiet stubborn people are sometimes the most stubborn people of all.  Sometimes you don't even notice how deeply their heels are entrenched!

How do we know when we're wrong about being stubborn?  Consider that the answer to that question is probably most of the time.  Ask yourself a few questions.
  

• Is this situation all about me?
• Am I treating this situation as if it were all about me?
• What do I/we gain if I win here?
• What do I/we lose if I win?
•  Is winning the argument worth the cost of losing the relationship and/or the respect of others?

 I like using the terms winning and losing when talking about stubbornness, because I think it becomes a game to us.  Sometimes we don't care about the issue all that much....we just don't want to lose the game.  Often it is all about selfishness....and we are just being a pain in the rear to those we "love" because we can.  And as you know....usually it's those we "love" that get the brunt of our obstinance, though it can also be those at work, in a restaurant, at church, or anyone we run into in the course of our day. 

Sometimes as we are inwardly gloating that we are once again getting our way, we find we have pulled out the Jenga piece that collapses our tower and our life as we know it has collapsed all around us.  Often it's too late to rebuild at that point.  When this happens, we can only blame ourselves.

My niece Addison was commenting on the Zax recently and said "Why didn't they just leapfrog?"  Definitely a valid solution!  Or why didn't one just step aside and say "Have a great journey", mean it and whistle as they walked away?  Because their whole life had become about traveling North or traveling South.....regardless of how much they missed.  Should that really have been their life's mission?


 

The Fish on the Business Door

Day 28 in Proverbs

Proverbs 28:8 "If you make money by charging high interest rates, you will lose it all to someone who cares for the poor."

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So does anyone else get skeptical when a business goes out of their way to advertise they are a Christian business?   Too often when I visit these establishments, I have seen evidence of business practices that are anything but Christian.  Now I tend to get suspicious of them.  And yes, I am a Christian.  I admit I enter their doors feeling I have the right to judge them to a different standard  than I do other businesses.  I feel the advertisement says they are offering themselves up to this scrutiny.

When you advertise yourself as a person of faith, you had better make sure that you are living that life (or running that business) in a way that seems worthy of the god you serve.  If you are a Christian, the fruits of the spirit should be evident - you should be loving, happy, peaceful, patient, kind, good, faithful, gentle and self-controlled.  No, perfection is not necessary, but there should be evidence that these things are important to you.  More important than being right.  More important than making money.  More important than your personal success. Working hard should be important to you.  You should not be lazy.  You should work as if you are working for God.  Because you really are.

What I find especially abhorrent is when someone uses their faith to draw people into their business, but then swindles them.  When they charge the unreasonably high interest rate mentioned in this verse.  When they cheat them in some way.....either by not doing their best work, not charging a fair price, not meeting deadlines, or by not doing what they said they will do.  When their profits are used purely for their own good, and not shared with others.  When they are not good community citizens.

These sort of people may thrive for a while, but soon people come to see who they are. That's when hopefully we see the principle of this verse come into play....they lose their business to someone who cares for the poor.  I will even go as far as to say it is our responsibility to see that this happens.  We need to pay attention to how businesses treat people (and not just us!), care about the businesses we patronize, and go out of our way to support those who share the fruits of their success with those who are less fortunate.  

I don't patronize businesses because I agree with all of the views of the owners, be they political or theological.  I don't usually consider the faith of the owners of the businesses I patronize.  I definitely, however, patronize a business because I catch a glimpse of the business owner's heart or the hearts of the employees who work there.  I have chosen not to patronize businesses for the exact same reasons.

As for me, I hope my work reflects my faith....and I hope my clients can clearly see a woman who has the heart of God and is honest and upright in her dealings with them.  If I don't do that well, I hope I lose the privilege and someone who does it better thrives.

Wasting Time With the Dull Blades

Day 27 in Proverbs

Proverbs 27:17 "Just as iron sharpens iron, friends sharpen the minds of each other."
Proverbs 27:19 "You see your face in a mirror and your thoughts in the minds of others."

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I like hanging out with people who are better than me.  I like it when they are smarter, I like it when they are wittier, I like it when they are kinder, I like it when they are more talented, I like it when they are more resourceful, I like it when they are more handy, I like it when they have more style.  Should I go on?  I could. But I enjoy being around them.  I think, perhaps, it just may rub off on me! In fact, I believe often it does.  My thought is that if you are my friend, I virtually share in all that you are.  OK, maybe it is not really true.....but in my mind....it works!  And usually my friends are very good sharers....so it is very true.  Who they are, they share with me.

You need friends who sharpen you.  Who cause you to think more.  Who cause you to care more.  Who cause you to know yourself better and to care about the person you are becoming.  Who pay attention to details that you neglect to see.

I think perhaps there is something in us that has a tendency to grow dull.  To want to stay right where we are, in our easy chair with a beer and a bag of chips.  Or in my case, with a book on one side, my laptop on the other, and a piece of chocolate cake somewhere in the vicinity.  As an introvert, I could quite happily hang out by myself with a stack of books and live in a fantasy world.  But at the end of my life, would I consider that be a life well spent?  A long time ago I decided the answer to that questions was "NO!"  (LOL.... though yes, on certain days I still sometimes answer that question with a resounding "YES!"  But really....I wouldn't.) 

When we look at our mirror we should see our true face.  But how many see ourselves as we really are and how many see an illusion?  Our perception of ourselves doesn't always reflect what others see.  For example, I have heard people say they are patient, laid back people, and yet when I look at them I see an intensity that seems to indicate that below the surface they are always on edge.  I have seen gorgeous people who look and see someone who is fat and ugly.  I have seen smart people who have no confidence in their intelligence.  I have also seen people who think they are the brightest star in the sky, and nope....they are only that in their own minds.

I like having people around me that have my thoughts in their mind.  Knowing me means they see who I really am.  I have sometimes been floored when a friend has challenged something I say, because it doesn't quite line up with other things I have said.  This happens on occasion because with my ADD mind, sometimes my focus gets off on a tangent and I get mentally lazy.  It's especially stunning when they are people who don't believe the same way I do, don't think the same way I do, but have grown to know how my mind works and know I am not using it.  They want us to continue talking through the issues we differ on, and if I let my mind get lazy, the conversation is quite unproductive.  So it is a matter of saying "Focus on who you are, Kim.  Focus on what you believe.  Get it all in line, because we need to figure this stuff out!"

One thing about mirror images, about seeing our reflection.  It's not totally us.  But to have good friends around who know who we are, we can start to see what parts are real and what are just illusions.  That's not to say that because someone who knows us well tells us something about ourselves, it is always true.  They are also operating with this illusion thing.  But when they tell us something, we should consider what they say, and from that try to determine the truth.  To really grow, we need to have a good picture of who we really are, and who we really want to be.

When iron sharpens iron, you get two sharper knives that have more ability to do what they were designed to do.  You can hang out with the knives who are willing to be sharpened or you can hang out with the dull blades.  You will see your reflection in their metal.

Clay Pots, Cheap Glaze

Day 26 in Proverbs

Proverbs 26: 23-28 "Hiding hateful thoughts behind smooth talk is like coating a clay pot with a cheap glaze.  The pleasant talk of an enemy hides more evil plans than can be counted -  so don't believe a word!  Everyone will see through those evil plans.  If you dig a pit, you will fall in; if you start a stone rolling, it will roll back on you.  Watch out for anyone who tells lies and flatters - they are out to get you."

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I live in NC.  We've got some really great smooth talkers here.  There's something about a Southern accent where you can almost see the honey drip off the words.  Of course, sometimes if you look real closely, you'll notice that honey is just lightly covering up lots of bees getting ready to sting!

I enjoy watching the smooth talkers.  It's a real gift.  And there is nothing wrong with it if it is done with good and harmless motives.  We're in a relational world, and speaking to people in a way that encourages them and makes them feel good....that should be a goal of all of us.  But there needs to be a purity behind it.  If you hear someone telling people lies as they flatter.....watch out for them.  They are doing the same to you!  It just may be a bit more subtle.  Don't sugar coat it yourself or allow it to be a treat that you enjoy.  It's wrong....and it's evil.  In the end this kind of stuff destroys.  If it builds people up, but it builds them up artificially.  And what happens then?  At some point the tower comes falling down.  The truth comes out.  People get hurt.

But let's not think about everyone else....I think we need to turn these verses on ourselves.  What about our hateful thoughts?  Surely I am not the only one who has them on occasion!   I've learned something about them over the years, though.  They profit no one.  If you feed them, allow them to fester, they grow and grow until they are out of control.  And then they consume you.  You see everyone in a negative light.  You give people life sentences for being human....for saying something in anger on a bad day or for failing to say something that you want to hear.  You're harboring so many grudges you lose track of who you like and who you dislike.  

But chances are, if you are hiding hateful thoughts, underneath it all you dislike almost everyone.  Including yourself.  You carry all this bitterness inside of you and even when you are trying to show people the honey, some who look your way see the impending bee stings! Now, they may not say anything.....or react in a way that shows they notice.  But inside there is a voice saying "Danger, Will Robinson."  Especially here in the South.  A lot of people just take it in and file it away, and then avoid you.  They're not confrontational.  In fact, even if you ask them direct, they will deny they have an issue with you at all.  But do you ever wonder why some people don't seem to find time to be around you anymore?  It may be that the bitterness is oozing out of you and even if you are nice to them, they don't want to feel the drips as your venom for others oozes from your pores.

My Nana, my maternal grandmother, was someone who found fault with almost everyone and everything in her life.  She lived a miserable existence.  I learned a lot from her.... that I didn't want to live her life.  I want to like people.  I want to enjoy them.  I want to encourage and support and build them up.  I know I have a critical spirit, but it doesn't have to make us all miserable.  I can pull out the positives of that trait and do my best to eliminate the negatives.  I have a happy life....I think it is because this is something I have been working on for a long time.

I am also an idealist by nature, and because of that I don't always understand why people don't live as they say they believe, or why people don't strive to be the best person they can, or why when given a choice people don't do what I think is obviously the right thing.  Because of that I get disappointed by people often.  I've learned, however, that while the disappointments happen, I don't control the lives of other people.  And that is quite freeing.  I am only responsible for me.  I believe the we reap what we sow, so ultimately those who sow evil will reap evil.  I need to pity them instead of hating them.  You won't catch me spending long hours of my life worrying about them, though....I get over it.  Because there is not benefit in holding onto other people's stuff!

I am certainly no potter (everyone who knows me well, knows I do not have much of a crafty side), and those of my friends who are potters may have something more insightful to say on this point, but I think putting cheap glaze on clay pots means that you can try to cover up clay, but when it gets down to it, it is still just dirt.  To cover it in cheap glaze means that it's going to chip, peel and flake off without much effort.  What is underneath is not well hidden.  What you think comes out when you speak.  We all are human and will have hateful thoughts of others from time to time.  But let's not savor them and see them as honey, when they are really just bitter and should be spit out as soon as possible.

You're Sweeter Than Honey - Honest

Day 25 in Proverbs

Proverbs 25:27 "Don't eat too much honey or always want praise."

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I think my nieces and nephews (and my godchildren and the other special "kids" in my life) are amazing.  They really are.  But sometimes I find myself praising them for things that I don't want them to find too much pride in.  Things that the world tells them are most important, but in my value system really aren't.  It's probably pleasing to their ears, but I don't want it to stick in their brains.  It's a struggle.

Biggest example, they are all gorgeous.  Our world may tell them that good looks are an important quality, but I don't want them to believe that themselves.  But yet I find myself telling them too often how beautiful they are.  Which is true praise (because I am not a believer in offering cheap praise I don't mean), but shallow.  I hope they are comfortable with how they look, but also hope they don't obsess over it.  If I praise them too much, will that become an obsession?  Will they obsess over every carbohydrate and spend hours of their life looking in the mirror and taking their own picture?  (Uh-oh....they do that now)  Will they shy away from living life if they gain a few pounds?   Will they spend large sums of money on clothes and shoes and makeup and beauty treatments and plastic surgery so they become plastic people with no identity of their own?  Will they compare their looks to others and assign relative values to people based on looks? Will "pretty" or "handsome" be the identity they crave?  There is so much more to them than that.

Or when I tell them they are smart.  They are smart...all of them.  But if I say it too much, will they start to believe they are smarter than most other people?  Will they start to feel that their opinions are better, that they already know it all, will they start to disrespect people who they think are not as smart as they are?  Will I damage their thirst for knowledge....their desire to learn for a purpose?  Will their lives be about grades, but not about learning and thinking and applying what they know?  Will they have a lot of knowledge, but have no wisdom?

Or the sports stars....sometimes they have natural talent and it is not easy to overlook.  It's exciting to see.  But if they get too much praise for this, will they start to worship at the altar of athletics?  Will they become the team show-off instead of the team player?  Will they think that if they don't win a game or make a team, they are a failure?

Or the talented.  Some are talented singers, dancers, actors, artists, mechanics, crafters....will they start thinking that this in itself makes them special?  Sets them apart from the untalented ones?  Makes their star shine a bit brighter?  That their gift is better than a less shiny one?

I'm all in favor of praise....and I am sure I will continue to tell these young people in my life (and the old people in my life) that they are beautiful, smart, great athletes and talented.  But I hope they take it in stride.  I hope those are not the things that they choose to define them.  I hope I praise them more for being kind, thoughtful, brave, caring, justice-seekers, champions of the underdog, problem solvers and world changers.  I hope they don't just coast through life....I hope they live it fully and with purpose.

While praise is great....we can't live for it.  We can't let it be the thing that drives us.  We need to watch that we're not centering our lives around it and hanging out with those people who tell us the things that will puff us up and make us think we are special, or have our days ruined when they don't.  Because while we are special....so is the person next to us.  Fearfully and wonderfully made.  I guess we can keep it in context by hearing the praise and thinking "Is this something that God would praise me for?"  Maybe that should be our reality check.  And the praise that we build our life around.


 

Planting Your Garden First

Day 24 in Proverbs

Proverbs 24: 27 "Get your fields ready and plant your crops before starting a home."

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I'm not much of a planter.  I don't like to plant much of anything, because I worry I won't remember to take care of it.  And I will grieve when it dies.
 
I am, however, a planner.  Because I have such a problem with my ADD mind, I need to make myself focus on things.  These plans often go awry, because the focus part stays difficult.  So I have learned to plan with different expectations than the average person, with different goals than the average person, and often working that plan more uniquely than the average person.

Still there are certain concepts in a plan that need to be included for it to be successful.  Generally you need to try to operate in an order that makes sense.  If you jump steps, or do things in an order that is haphazard, it usually takes longer to get to your goal.  In other words, it is a bad plan!

Most of us wouldn't think about planting our garden until we bought our house.  Of course, this verse isn't speaking to our modern thoughts of recreational gardening; it's Solomon talking to his son, who is becoming a young man.  He's advising him to make he has his life on track, that his livelihood is secure, before he takes on responsibilities like a wife and children.  It's good advice.  

Often we just start adding things to our pile....good things, exciting things..... without taking some time to fully evaluate how they are going to change our lives.  Children, for instance.  How many people have them without thinking about the impending sacrifice and disruption to their lives?  How many have them without calculating the financial cost?  How many have them without thinking about the PTA meetings, and the school trips, and the braces, and the trips to the emergency room?  How many have them without fully looking at the other potential parent and thinking about whether they would be a good lifelong partner to parent with?  And who pays when you don't make good decisions in these things?  Innocent children.

Home buying is another thing.  It's not just the price of the home and the interest rate of your mortgage, but what about all of the thing you will need to furnish that home?  What about when the roof leaks or your refrigerator breaks?  What about the cost of lawn maintenance and the time it takes to do it?  Who is going to take care of things when they break down (like ceiling fans that won't go back up once you change the light bulb)?  The costs continue to add up.

Or that brand new car you have been eyeing.  If you lose your job tomorrow, can you make that car payment for a while?  If not, maybe a new car is not the best choice for you.   Maybe you need one that can allow you to build up an emergency fund in case your life hits a crisis.  Smart choices on the front end, lead to potential for reward on the back end.  You buy the older car now, get the emergency fund set up, and start the fund for your dream car.

I am amazed at how many people live paycheck to paycheck for most of their careers, at how many people live a lifestyle beyond their means because they want it all, at how many people take on responsibility after responsibility because they don't seem to be able to say "No, this is not the right time for me to do this."  This leads to crummy relationships, financial problems, and a whole lot of depression.

While we need to calculate the risk before we jump into things, we also can't go through life with a lot of fear.  Sometimes we just have to take the plunge and take some baby steps.  For example, I am going to plant this plant my friend Ursula is saving for me.  And I am going to plant some of these herb seeds I have laying around.  I think I am ready to take them on.  I feel relatively confident I can keep them alive.  We'll see how I do.  I've done OK with the house....

Playing Around With the Poisonous Snake

Day 23 in Proverbs

Proverbs 23: 29-35 "Who is always in trouble?  Who argues and fights?  Who has cuts and bruises?  Whose eyes are red?  Everyone who stays up late, having just one more drink.  Don't even look at that colorful stuff, bubbling up in the glass!  It goes down so easily, but later it bites like a poisonous snake.  You will see weird things, and your mind will play tricks on you.  You will feel tossed about like someone trying to sleep on a ship in a storm.  You will be bruised all over, without even remembering how it all happened.  And you will lie awake asking 'When will tomorrow come, so I can drink some more?'"

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Which of us has not seen this picture?  Maybe not in the mirror, but certainly around us. And then again, maybe in the mirror!

Alcohol has never been a major issue for me.  I have never been prone to drink much.  I have a body chemistry that doesn't seems to deliver as much pleasure from drinking as it does to others.  In other words, I am not a cheap drunk.  (My struggles come more from things like chocolate cake!) While hanging out with my friends and a glass of wine does relax me, it's more about the people I am with and the actual sitting around doing nothing that makes me more relaxed.  The drink has little to do with it.

I remember growing up when alcohol was taboo for God-fearing people.  Or at least they pretended it was.  I remember people hiding their beer when they saw the preacher in the grocery store and talking about what a close call they had.  Like having the preacher think badly of you is worse than what God already sees!  (Though I guess sometimes they are a bit more judgmental.)  I never understood that....and giggled about it even then.  I also giggled when my college roommate poured a 12-pack of beer down the sink in college because her mom was coming to visit.  She was of legal age to drink, but she said she didn't want her mom to think badly of her.  I told her to tell her it was mine.   She said she didn't want her to think badly of me either!  (And no....it never occurred to her that there were other options than throwing it away.  I think maybe she was already suffering from some damaged brain cells.  She not only drank, but she drank a lot.  And often.)
 
I don't think God has an issue with alcohol in itself.  I don't believe Jesus was turning the water into grape juice at those weddings.  When it becomes wrong is when your life becomes this picture painted in Proverbs....when alcohol controls you and your life.  When you can't enjoy a day without a drink.  When it changes the person you are.  When you forget what you have done, when you forget who you are, when you forget your responsibilities and your dreams.  When your life is a big drama.  When you are mean and argumentative to the people around you.   When your decision making is different than when you are sober.  When you put yourself into positions when you are not safe, and when you put others in those positions, too.  When you need it and want it...more than you need and want anything else.

I've seen the destruction it can cause.  I have seen people change when their lives become more about the next drink than about living.  But I've also seen the fun times it can accompany.....the wedding and ballooning toasts, concerts in the park with friends, the joyous parties, the delivery by the cabana boy.  Fun times where people are still in control and not the alcohol.

People need to make their own decisions about alcohol.  I think it is one of God's gifts to be used in moderation.  If you can handle it.  Some can't.  Ever.  Some people need to accept the fact that their blood chemistry responds to it a bit too much.  It becomes too important to them.  They need to think about giving it up completely.  Or if they have seen alcohol negatively impact members of their family, consider never once taking a drink.  That blood chemistry thing.....it runs in families.

Whatever you choose, you don't want to become like my friend Angela Gill's drunk and naked neighbor.  Scaring dogs, confusing young children and making the eyes of your neighbors bleed.  It doesn't become you.

Here Comes Trouble!

Day 22 in Proverbs

Proverbs 22:3  "When you see trouble coming, don't be stupid and walk right into it - be smart and hide."
Proverbs 22:8  "Troublemakers get in trouble, and their terrible anger will get them nowhere."
Proverbs 22:10 "Arguments and fights will come to an end, if you chase away those who insult others."

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It's no secret... I like mischief makers.  People who are up to something.  They are entertaining.  They are unconventional.  They make life interesting.  I want to sit next to them in boring meetings and stand in line with them when I must stand in line.  I want them with me on trips and want to hang out with them at parties.  I usually gravitate right toward them.  They are the ones with the gleam of fun shining in their eyes.

But there are mischief makers and there are troublemakers and while they have similarities, they are also very different.  While mischief makers want to entertain and relieve boredom, troublemakers really make trouble.  How can you tell the difference?

One of the biggest hints is the anger.  If someone wants a fight to happen, if they want to provoke,  if they want to annoy, if they usually want to have an argument instead of a civil conversation, they are a troublemaker.   If someone is reckless in their intent, if they are unconcerned about the impact of their behavior on others, they are a troublemaker.  If their words are meant to hurt, or belittle, or ridicule, they are are a troublemaker.

Anger is something that can easily get out of hand....and it can possess a person.  I remember when I was a housemother at a children's home.  I worked with teenaged boys, many with anger issues.  One day one of the boys had gotten hold of a large knife and was taking off after one of the other boys who had upset him.  I was able to go behind him and restrain him and secure the knife, with the help of one of the other boys.  Later one of the other houseparents said to me "You were the best person to be there to do that.  He loves you.  He never would have hurt you."  It was eye rolling time.  She obviously knew nothing about anger.

When someone is in a rage, the only person they see is their target.  No one else matters.  The rage controls them.  They are always dangerous.  While this boy would have been devastated afterward had he hurt me, while he was in the rage he didn't even know it was me that was there.  I was simply someone who was getting in the way.

We think of anger often as only this explosive stuff.  Quiet anger is probably more dangerous.  The calm before the storm.  When you notice someone harboring it, it's best to stay away.  They will draw you into their drama.  Often anger comes with a bucket load of charm attached.  Often we see the fear and the vulnerability attached and want to help (because anger is a major sign of fear and vulnerability.)  But never focus more on the fear and the vulnerability and forget about the anger.  It is always combustible.  It  can explode at any second.....and take you with it.

When we see people who don't treat people well, when we see these people who insult others, it's best to make them go away.  That's how you get peace.  We  can't  change people....they must change on their own.  We also can't enable bad behavior.  We can't let an angry or insulting person stay on the loose and hurt people.

You know when you see trouble coming....both the people and the situations.  Keep your eyes open....it's not difficult.  When you see it, don't stand and look at it for a while to see what happens.  Run away or hide!  Or else you will be quickly headed down the road to no where, firmly held in the grasp of trouble.  A troublemaker is not your friend.  There is no room for true friendship in their world.  Their mind is occupied elsewhere.

Suicidal Dreams

Day 21 in Proverbs

Proverbs 21: 2-6  "We may think we are doing the right thing, but the Lord always knows what is in our hearts.  Doing what is right and fair pleases the Lord more than an offering.  Evil people are proud and arrogant, but sin is the only crop they produce.  If you plan and work hard, you will have plenty; if you are in a hurry, you will end up poor.  Cheating to get rich is a foolish dream, and no less than suicide."

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 We think of our dreams as wonderful things.....and often they are.  Sometimes, though, they are just empty illusions that we try to make come true by any means possible.  We see the dream and want it so badly that we'll do almost anything for it.....even if it kills our soul.

I really like that these verses talk about a certain kind of purity that pleases God.  A truthfulness that comes from the depth of our hearts.  I like that God values doing what is right and fair over any other thing that we can offer.  It probably resonates so strongly with me because those are qualities that I like in other people and those are qualities I try to build in myself.  I am glad they are also qualities God honors.

In contrast to those who are right and fair, are those who are proud and arrogant.  The self centered folk.  We celebrate self centeredness a bit in our country.  On occasion we call it good self esteem.  It's good to esteem yourself, but when you do it in a way that puts you over other people, and over God, that's not healthy self esteem.  That's arrogance.   Good self esteem is being confident in who you are and truthful in how you view yourself, but also not threatened by who others are and not viewing yourself as less as you see all that they are.

Arrogance tells us we deserve it all....and we deserve it all now.  Truth is, it's probably impossible to have it all.  All often overlaps.  For example, you can't really be single and be married.  You can't have children and freedom from the responsibilities of being a parent.  You usually can't have money without work (unless you inherit it or win the lottery), and you can't have stuff without money.  You can't have an education without learning (even if you have many useless degrees.)  You can't retire without having worked.

If we trust God, we need to know that we will get what we need at just the right time.  Not before that time.  We can't rush it.  When we rush it, we get our plan....not God's.  And our plan....it can seem OK for a while, but ultimately it's not our purpose.  Not the reason we were uniquely created.  We'll always go back to feeling constantly restless....because it just isn't the life for us.  Putting our plan into action brings consequences.  As it says here, it is suicide.  You were meant for more than suicide.....more than a dead life.  You were meant for hard work and for doing what is right and fair.  It's not always glamorous, but rewarding.  Doing those things will lead you on the path to the incredible.  To a life that is full of passion, not one that is the walking dead.

Cheaters Eating Gravel

Day 20 in Proverbs

Proverbs 20: 17 "The food you get by cheating may taste delicious, but it turns to gravel."

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I don't like cheaters much.  (OK, unless I have to do some silly ice breaking game at an event, in which case I want to be on the team who agrees to not do the activity but says we did.  Then it is fine in Kim's world....and I love you for supporting me in that.)  

I remember back in high school realizing someone who cheated excessively was possibly going to beat me in class rank.  I didn't care much about class rank really.....one of my high school goals was to get grades high enough to get into a decent college, but low enough that I was in no danger of having to make a speech at graduation.  I met that goal.  And it's not to say I was a paragon of virtue during those years....my math homework was shared all over the place (usually I got it done because my Dad was around to help me excessively) and I did get a heads up for Joe Holpp's history class so I knew what questions he was going to ask for bonus points that day.  (But he threw me out of contention of that early on when he realized I was being a point hog and made me read out loud for my points instead.  And since I liked his class, I usually made 100s on his tests anyway, so didn't really need extra points.)  But cheating on tests.....that seemed more wrong somehow and seeing someone do it for most classes, boldly and proudly, bugged me.  And I didn't think they deserved any honor for it.

I finally learned that cheating in little things makes you more susceptible to cheating in big things, so if I didn't want to be a cheater, I needed to not be one boldly.  I'd already come to terms that I didn't want to be a liar.....so seeing that cheating was so closely akin to that, I decided I needed to try to work on that, too.  I tried to manage my life so it was a "no cheating" zone.  Even with things that seemed pretty small.  With my attention span, you have to make sure you keep short accounts lest you forget.  You'd think that something like that would be easy to remember....well, it's not!  There are little temptations all over the place and sometimes you just forget and name it something else, so it doesn't seem so wrong when you do it.  If you ever see me falter, you not only have my permission to call me out on it but if you are my friend it is your responsibility to try to stop me!  And yes, I will falter.  It's amazingly easy.   

Like when I wanted to see the Sistine Chapel and the line was too long for me to wait.  I was leaving town that day, so I went to the front of the line and pretended to be part of a group of German tourists and encouraged my friends to do it too.  We saw the Sistine Chapel.....but yeah....others waited longer because of my selfishness.  That was an example of my cheating.  Honestly, I still haven't totally repented.  I apologize if you were behind me in that line....though I was so very subtle you didn't know it.  I recognize it was wrong of me.  But oh, the Sistine Chapel was amazing!  See.....no true regret yet.  No true repentance.

OK....see how easy it is to justify?  It's an "I am a center of the world" thing.  "The rules do not apply to me because I am special" thing.  An "It's OK because no one noticed" thing.  Cheating impacts others whether they know it or not. And it impacts you whether you know it or not.  It changes who you are.  It shows your character.  Truth is that you are only the center of your own world.  Your own selfish world.  If you care about others, you look outside of that circle.  I haven't mastered that yet....but I am trying.

Probably the reason I have not repented about the Sistine Chapel thing is that I don't know of any personal negative impact.  Had I come out and found out that someone else missed their chance to go in because of my line jumping, I would have felt horrible.  Definitely I would have felt like I was eating gravel.  It would have ruined the whole experience.  Because I was able to leave blissfully unaware of impact to anyone else, it is difficult to come to terms with it being wrong.  But still....it is and was.  I was a cheater.

Cheating may bring momentary reward, but does not show long term accomplishment.  It doesn't show any accomplishment, as a matter of fact.  You're not playing by the rules, so really you automatically lose the game.  If you are going to choose to lose a game, life is probably not the one you want to pick.  While we may miss out on certain experiences if we choose not to cheat, or maybe even have near as much short term fun, at least we won't be eating gravel.  While I understand it contains many vitamins and minerals, it is hard to choke down.  And choking on gravel....it doesn't become you.  Make that us! 

A Lifelong Education

Day 19 in Proverbs

Proverbs 19: 27 "If you stop learning, you will forget what you already know."

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I began my first job out of college in a very different economic time than now.  Things were going pretty well, but more importantly businesses had a lot of loyalty to the employees who had been with them for a lot of years.  If layoffs occurred, these old timers would be the ones that would be retained.  The newer hires would be the first to be let go.

That was good in some ways.....people didn't live in fear of losing their jobs.  They had a proven track record at their job and a strong level of expertise.

But often it led to bad things too.  People didn't want to try something they had never done before.  They didn't want to innovate.  They didn't want to learn something new.  They preferred to continue doing things the way they had been doing it - for years and years and years.  Sort of the government employee thing in action.  (Apologies to government employees who are not this way.  But you work with others who are.....you know you do!  And it makes for long lines and inefficiencies because no one wants to change.  Drives a lot of us nuts.)

I remember working with some of these old timers and quite frankly saw them as, well, old people.  I felt like they were ready to retirement and should do it post haste.  Funny to me now, since some were probably very close to my current age bracket.  I thought that it would be horrible to be like that.   I couldn't understand how they could be content to come to work and do everything the same way they had done it for the past 20 years.  I didn't understand how they could be fulfilled by just coasting to retirement. 

OK, fast forward to now.  You may think my opinions have changed, but nope...I feel the same way.  I still get annoyed by people who aren't trying to become better and more efficient in their jobs.   I'm in an industry that changes constantly and while I have felt some of the effects of being more resistant to this change as I age, I know that is my issue and I need to deal with it.  I need to make sure that my mind continues to be fertile and productive.  Yep, there is already a lot of information crammed in there and adding more is like adding another book to a library that already has books up to the ceiling and out the door.  It takes more effort than it did when my library consisted of two picture books.  But adding another book to devour....well worth the effort.

The whole "use it or lose it" concept is true.  It didn't get to be a cliche for nothing!  Our brain needs exercise.  Our will needs exercise.  Our body needs exercise.  Stagnation is our enemy ....though our body fights for the desire to coast.   It's always easier not to push ourself.  It hurts to exercise something that hasn't moved in a while.  But our brain is like our muscles in that it responds to us using it in new and different ways.  When we don't use parts of it, it starts to shut down.  No wonder we find ourselves not thinking well...we've become efficient to a point, then coasted.  We need to stop coasting and get it put into full motion.

I just turned 52.  Aging is on my mind.  I don't always like it.  But like other times in my life, I am looking for role models.  I have found some I like!  They are the ones who still are vital.  They are the ones whose eyes sparkle as they look around the world.  They are the ones who are still learning.  They are the ones who refuse to let themselves become unproductive.  They are the ones who love to spend time with those who are younger than they are and have give-and-take conversations with them.  Sharing what they know, but realizing that they can learn from those who are at a younger life stage.   And they like spending time with those their age and older....who show them that the rules they always thought that applied do not apply.  You don't have to be a doddering old person.  You can be vital and youthful and live every minute of life fully and vibrantly.

People of every age sometimes stop learning.  Some start very young and close their minds early.  Some think they already know it all and so there is nothing else they need.  Some begin as they start to age because they think they are supposed to.  Some start because it's hard and they don't like hard, doggone it!  But whatever the reason, it's wrong.  The concept is simple.  "If you stop learning, you forget what you already know."  Think of it as a terminal illness when your brain just deteriorates.  And fight it.  The cure.....educate yourself.  As long as you live.

Laughter Each Day, Keeps the Doctor at Bay

Day 18 in Proverbs

Proverbs 18: 14 "Being cheerful helps when you are sick, but nothing helps when we give up."

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I love the saying "Laughter is the best medicine."  I think there is a lot of truth to it.  Well, OK...except the other night when I had a massive headache.  I wasn't feeling very cheerful.  I didn't feel like laughing in the least.  But in spite of myself and my desire to be alone with my pain, I know that if certain people had been around, I would have been laughing in no time.  Even in the midst of feeling horrid, they would have gotten me to see humor.  And yes, I do believe it would make me feel better.  Even if I originally didn't want to laugh.  I believe in its power to heal.

They say that laughter does great things to our bodies to promote health.  For one, it supposedly improves circulation.  That means the blood flows more easily to our heart and our brain.  How many sicknesses and diseases are caused by poor blood flow?  Quite a few!  Such a simple and pleasurable way to improve your health.

That headache of mine.  Improved blood flow could definitely be something that could help me get rid of that.  But also, the physical release of tension that laughter brings.  If stress or anxiety was the cause of the headache, once again that could be the cure.  If it was caused by sinus or atmospheric pressure changes, as it sometimes is, laughter could also change my breathing so that it would change that pressure that is going on in my head.  Another good thing.  The possibilities are endless.....even for my non-medical brain.

I've unfortunately seen quite a few friends go through some serious illnesses.  Those who seem to defy the odds usually have an unusually cheerful spirit.  Even those who don't beat the odds....the quality of their life seems better when they seem to be looking around and smiling at what they see.  Those who greet it all with depression and hopelessness?  They almost seem to fade away before your eyes.

Akin to physical pain, is emotional pain.  That feeling of discouragement or anxiety that makes you think that you would agree to almost anything to stop it.  Most of us feel that on occasion.  We have jobs where we feel unappreciated and overworked, we have relationships where we feel.....unappreciated and overworked.  We seem to be in a rut that we can't get out of, sometimes even knowing it is of our own making.  We know we need to work out or eat better, but we just don't do it.  Which brings a cycle of discouragement into our lives where we just don't feel good about who we are.  We feel like failures....and the fact that it is our own fault, well, that just adds to the weight that seems to be crushing down on us.  We feel weak.....not empowered knowing we have everything we need to change things.  Grabbing for those things and using them....it seems like such an effort.

Did you ever take the Myers-Briggs test?  That's the one that tells you whether you are an introvert or extrovert, a sensor or an intuitive, a thinker or a feeler, or a judger or a perceiver.  I remember taking the test a long time ago and found I was a strong thinker while a close friend was a strong feeler.  While I feel emotions and say "OK, so I feel unhappy, but want to feel happy, so I am going to start feeling happy," that concept was totally foreign to my friend.  She said "You feel what you feel and you just have to feel your way through it."  I still don't get that (which I guess is the point of the test.  It gave me great insight into our differences.)  I believe you can evaluate how you feel and change it.  Divert it to another path.  And I think it is a great exercise when you are feeling sick or just down in the dumps.

I'd like to say I am the type of person who never gives up, but it would be a lie.  Sometimes I give up really easily.  Hopelessness seems to settle quite comfortably and quickly in our body if we let it take up residence.  But I think that is one thing that we need to fight with everything that we possess.  We need to make it a temporary houseguest and send it on its way as quickly as possible.

Being cheerful in the midst of what ails us is akin to being hopeless about the things that challenge us.  We need to cling to cheer and hope.  We need to surround ourselves with the cheerful and the hopeful.  Those qualities are tonic for the soul.  I believe they give us longer lives, healthier lives, happier lives, less burdensome lives.  

So let's hang out with people who possess those qualities.....and stay away from the defeated and the morose.  Except in small doses.....when we feel strong and can maybe pass a bit cheer and hope their way.  Let's make laughter part of our regular exercise routine.  (Probably adding other exercise won't hurt either.)  It can be our very special practically perfect Mary Poppins-like tonic.  It is the medicine that doesn't need a spoonful of sugar to get it down.