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Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Are You Ready For Christmas?



"Are you ready for Christmas?" Stop asking that question! For me, who hates shopping and particularly hates gift shopping, it's simply a catalyst to extra stress and pressure. It's an easy conversation starter, granted, and I am sure that I have been known to say it at times myself (being a bit of an idiot in the small talk department and eager to latch onto any clichΓ© I can come up with), but if I hear it one more time this year I just may go a bit nuts.

No, I am not ready. Truth be told, I've been lying in bed reading since about 7:30. Yes, there are things I should be doing, but the thought stresses me out, so I just retreat. I have groceries to buy (and since I don't make a list and plan well, I will probably forget at least one key ingredient.) I have presents to buy....for MY PARENTS, for example!!!!! They are horrible to buy for. They buy what they want, and are constantly in downsizing mode. They don't like gift cards, they don't give hints, and dad especially would prefer not to have things to open. I sometimes just don't give them anything....that sounds bad, doesn't it? For Dad, especially, that is fine, and Mom too really, but why do I still feel stressed when I can't come up with a good idea?

I've got friends who are amazing gift-givers....and on one hand I don't feel the need to compete with them (because they are exceptional people and I am hopeless and I know will love me anyway, even if I arrive empty-handed), but I do want to honor them with something special. They are worth it. But chances are, no...they won't get gifts or if they are they won't be great. Or they won't be on time. I surrender. I will never be the coolest gift-giving friend. (Unless you are a kid, and then I have a chance.)

Thankfully some of the stores I bought from offered free gift wrapping this year, so there aren't a lot of gifts to wrap, but those that are will throw me in a last minute tizzy as I get ready to run out the door on Christmas day. Scissors, tape, paper, tags, bags, tissue paper, and ribbon....will I have all I need? Probably not.

I have baked nothing so far this year (so don't expect the gift of baked goods) and the caramel cake I said I would make for our family Christmas? Of course I have never made it before. Yes, they say you shouldn't do that, but when would I test recipes if not for using family and friends as guinea pigs? They come out OK on occasion. And there will be plenty of other food! The salad I am making? That will be OK, if I make the aforementioned trip to the grocery store and actually buy the fixings. But have I put any thought into what will go into it? Nooooo!

And then there is half of a day of work tomorrow, a Christmas Eve service to attend, and a trip to Greensboro to participate in a 20+ year tradition of Christmas caroling at the hospital. So how many hours until Christmas?

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we fill our plate to overwhelming?

I am not in a total frenzy.....at least externally. When the stress gets up there, I retreat, so right now I appear calm. Thankfully I was born into a family influenced by my grandmother Lois McKinney, who never seemed riled by anything like this. She knew most things were not worth getting worked up over. I've got a touch of her in me, along with my grandsha on my mom's side who was also calm in a storm, but a bit of discontent and high expectations from the other two grandparents. My mother was the "get it all done" type, and my dad, well, he just doesn't seem to notice it is a day different than other days. As for me, the nature is at war in times like these.

When I analyze it, these things that stress me out are not what I consider to be important about Christmas, or important to my relationships. I need to release myself from that stress. The real reason for Christmas is not about a box or about meeting an impossible standard. The real reason for Christmas was to release us from that pressure. We can't be good enough. We can't do it all.

"For unto you is born a Savior."

We are the reason for the season. We are the reason the Christmas gift, the Christ child, was given. If there was no one else in the world, the gift would have still been given for you. Because you are that important to God. If we are willing to receive the gift, we are ready for Christmas. That is all it takes to celebrate in the manner it was intended.

Relax, and enjoy. It is a time we should feel most loved and at peace. Not because of how we are treated by others, but because of who we are before God. Am I ready for Christmas? Why yes, I am. Bring it on! Emmanuel. God is with us. Come, let us adore him.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Holiday in ALL CAPS

I had a conversation with my dad and a couple of my uncles the other day where I mentioned that if you typed in all caps, it was considered shouting. This was news to them, and I don't think they buy it. One of my uncles said "If you send me an email in all caps, I would think that you were helping me out and making it easier to read."
I have seen some folks online on message boards berating someone for "shouting at everyone" only to find out that the person was handicapped and used all caps because it was easier for them to type that way. Made me think to myself "Be careful of what you get on your high horse about."

We think everyone is like us. If Christmases past hold good memories for us, we think Christmas holds good memories for all. If we look forward to the day, we think everyone looks forward to the day. If we are excited about the gifts we buy and are having a blast shopping for them, we think everyone has the same feeling.

Truth is, we're quite insensitive and self-absorbed.

So here is a list of things that some folks I know are dealing with this Christmas....

🎁 Some folks have lost loved ones this year to death and are dreading their first holiday without them. Some lost them years ago, but still have not gotten over the pain of having them gone at holidays.
🎁 Some have had their holidays disrupted by divorce, and miss having their spouse (even if they didn't like them much). They are having to share their kids for the holidays in a way they never planned. The kids? They may feel guilt they don't speak, especially when the parent makes it more difficult for them.
🎁 Some people have been diagnosed with a nasty disease and are wondering if perhaps this will be their last Christmas on earth with their loved ones. Their families are wondering if it will be the last one they will celebrate with them and their hearts are breaking.
🎁 Some folks are out of a job and uncertain what they will do if one does not show itself on the horizon.
🎁 Some people don't have a loving family and are facing the tension of spending even a few hours with folks related to them by blood, who they feel obligated to spend time with, but who always make them feel miserable. Their day will be spent dodging insults, avoiding cruel criticism, and trying to not retaliate when they feel like they are going over the edge.
🎁 Some folks are already in debt higher than they ever thought possible, but they have kids who expect the same Christmas presents as their friends get from Santa. They're worried about things like whether their power will be on come Christmas morning or whether they will have money for groceries. 
🎁 Some are buying gifts for unappreciative people, knowing that whatever they buy, it will not be "right."
🎁 Some have told people they really don't want gifts, but are bought gifts anyway. They struggle being gracious receiving things they don't need, or want, that are bought out of an obligation and has nothing to do with them.
🎁 Some folks are alone, or just feeling alone even if they are in a crowd.
🎁 Some people have needs they will not speak. They keep them to themselves, and are miserable because they are not being met. (If this is you, tell people!)
🎁 Some people don't see gift giving as you do. Some want practical gifts, while you want the impractical. Some want impractical luxury, while you have always given what they need. Some want gifts, but you say "I don't do gifts." Some say "I don't want gifts" but don't mean it. others really do. For some the only gift they want is your time and attention. Truth is, if you love someone, you probably should try to do what works for them. But then again, if you have expectations, give them the gift of giving those up. Meet people where they are. What they can do now. They may be paralyzed with fear underneath that "I don't care" veneer. Maybe you need to give yourself the perfect gift and remove the pressure from them. Maybe you need to get over your gift obsession and celebrate other things. Wherever you are, maybe the best gift you can give everyone is to change your mindset.
🎁 Some people don't celebrate Christmas. Their religion may be different, or it could be something else. Truth is, it is celebrating Christmas is not mandatory. Even for Christians. 

I hope Christmas Day, however you spend it, finds you in a lovely place of peace, love and contentment. If you're not there, I pray that you will make your needs known, to those who care about you or even to a stranger. Locking it inside changes nothing and makes you miserable. But is it a need or a want? Are you expecting others to make you happy or are you looking for ways to be joyful in your day in spite of all? And for those of you who have nothing but love for the season, don't be so self-absorbed you don't see those around you in pain.

When people shout "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" or "HAPPY HOLIDAYS!", may it not sound like a loud and angry shouting to your ears, but instead like the balm of someone who is trying to make it easier for you to celebrate life. I wish you joy that comes from deep in your soul, and has nothing to do with circumstances or other people, every single day of the year.




Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Don't End The Story Too Soon


"Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare

I was in my twenties. Poor. Not poor like many in their twenties today.... living independently on my paltry salary and poor enough that I would get my paycheck and would have about $15 for incidentals after bills were paid. That needed to last two weeks. Most of my friends were just as poor as me....we bonded over free and cheap food and entertainment. It was one of the best times of my life. We lived in crappy apartments or houses, with one or more roommates, and would pass possessions around as we each had need of them. We'd go through each other's Goodwill bags. The 80s version of communal living. Some of my very best friends came into my life during that time. It was an important time of life for me. I think many parents today do a disservice to their kids when they try to protect them and don't allow them to experience those years. There are a lot of lessons to be learned when you "have not"...and a lot of character to build along the way.

I had a friend who needed money. $300. A fortune to me. Because of many hours of working overtime, I had built up an amount in my bank account just over that (maybe $325!) I didn't hand it over quickly. It was precious and the first time I had a bit of a nest egg. But she said no one else would lend her the money. I had already determined I wanted to be generous in my life, so I did it. I lent her the money. I never asked what it was for. I believed her when she said the money would be paid back in two weeks.

You may know what's coming. Two weeks came and she didn't have the money. I don't think I said anything at all. I just waited. Time continued to go by. No word. Occasional promises to repay, but they were never met. No plan was ever formulated for getting it back to me. No dollar a week, until it was done. She continued to live quite well. Better than me, in fact. Her own apartment (while I had to have a roommate to make ends meet), beautiful clothes. Yet I still considered her a friend. And I still thought she would pay me back.

When I began to realize the payment didn't seem to be forthcoming, it really wasn't the money that bothered me. It was how I didn't seem to matter to her. I still was struggling. I had a car that was forever breaking down. It broke down once again and I needed the money to pay for repairs. I finally went to her and asked for it. The first time I had done it directly. She said she didn't have it. She had just put down a down payment for a house. She didn't seem to see a problem with that. It was what finally broke my heart and made me walk away. Had she continued to pursue the friendship, I am sure I would have relented. But she didn't....and finally I didn't. I realized she was out of my life. Or maybe I realized I was out of hers.

I admit I was bitter for a while. Not for a long while, but long enough to realize I didn't like feeling that way. I finally had a heart to heart with God. Yeah, I needed to change. While I didn't think that meant going back and trying to re-kindle the friendship, I had to give up the bitterness. And the mental hold on the money. I learned to replace the negative feelings with praying for her good when she came to mind. That helped. I also remembered that I really own nothing. I am lent it by God. Yes, I earned my way by working....but still, it can all be gone tomorrow. It won't mean anything on the other side of heaven...though I can enjoy it today as a good gift. So I had to accept the money as gone and move on with a joyful heart. Usually I was successful.

I learned a lot about being a good steward of my money going forward. To give generously, but judiciously. Not to lend money to people with money problems (if you can't handle what you have, more will usually not help.) Not to lend money when the person had no direct plan to pay it back, a strong worth ethic, or a history of financial responsibility. Not to lend money I couldn't afford to never see again. Not to lend money with the expectation that those who borrow it will pay it back. Not to lend money to people who I want in my life in the future.

But wait, there's more....fast forward to today. I seldom use my laptop, since my iPad is so easy to use, but I had it out and noticed some Facebook messages I had never seen before. Evidently there is a separate box apart from my Inbox. Evidently messages from people who are not your Facebook friends go there. Evidently you don't see this box on your iPad. There was a message from this former friend from last October. She said she lost touch and over time forgot my last name. She saw something about the balloon festival in Statesville and the reporter's last name was McKinney (not sure who that was...but interesting. Especially since I had nothing to do with ballooning when I knew her.) She said the name clicked. She found my Facebook account and sent this message. She wanted to pay back the $300. She asked for my address.

Yes, it was a shock. A good one. Will I get it back? I hope so. It's not the money that matters the most to me....it's the fact that she really didn't forget. That she has made some effort to do it. That it stayed in some part of her brain for over 20 years and on some level she cares about it all.

The old quote from Hamlet says "neither a borrower or a lender be" and I think there is some wisdom in that. I think instead we should be givers. Scripture tells us to give hilariously....and I think I have mentioned in a past blog that I love that concept. We should give until we're so overcome with laughter at our own outrageousness that we are gasping to breathe. But you know, even then I think we need to engage our mind. At least some of us do....those who are capable or led that way. Perhaps others should give just as they feel, but that has never seemed right for me. I think we need to plant in good soil. Pay attention to where the seed is going. We need to give certain people a hand up. But I think part of giving hilariously is not to be so concerned about what happens with it when it leaves our hand. To sometimes throw it in the air with abandon and see where it falls. There are lessons to be learned from watching the results, certainly. I have made bad decisions in the past and learned from them. But we can't get too hung up on making these mistakes....we learn and carry on. And regardless, we don't let bitterness in. It's only money....much less valuable than peace of mind.

But there is one more thing. The most important point here, I think. Don't end a story before its time. It may not be over yet. When we think we have it all figured out, God surprises us. I thought my friend didn't care to remember, but somewhere deep in her heart she did. It's difficult to track someone down after 20 years to pay an old debt. But she has. She showed me by her message that she remembered some if the good parts of our friendship...that she still had the memories. I'm glad. I don't ever expect my friends to be perfect, but when I see them doing the right thing? I can't help but be proud. Regardless of how long it takes. My heart is touched....and I am glad my version of the story wasn't entirely correct. This version makes me smile....and cry.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Paying Backward

"The man who never has money enough to pay his debts has too much of something else.” -James Lendall Basford

“Many delight more in giving of presents than in paying their debts.” -Sir Philip Sidney

"Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be." - David Bly

“He looks the whole world in the face for he owes not any man.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow


There was a guy that lived in the apartment complex that my parents own and that my sister manages. He moved out, owing quite a bit of rent money. Not an uncommon thing in today's world, unfortunately. My sister has seen this happen time and time again, and you become a bit cynical about people after a while. You never see them again, or the money they owe you. They don't look back. They don't see the impact they make on those who do not get the money they are due. They don't realize that businesses go under every day because of people like them. They don't see the other people they leave in their wake, struggling to pay their bills and feed their children. They don't see the senior citizens who have to cut back because funds are tight. They don't see the cynicism they breed in this world, because of what they do. Or maybe they do see it all, and figure misery loves company. Maybe they don't care. But most likely they just keep the blinders on because ignorance is bliss.

But this story is a bit different. This man is different. Years later he gave my sister a call. He wanted to make sure he knew exactly what he owed. He then came back, his sons in tow, and paid it all back. He made good on his commitment.

At the time he originally left, this guy's life was spinning out of control a bit. His girlfriend was pregnant, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that. He wasn't sure he was ready for responsibility of adulthood. He tried to leave it behind. But at some point he decided that was not the kind of man he wanted to be. He became a husband and a father. He decided that he was going to try to be the best he could at both. He wanted to raise sons who were responsible, so he knew he had to show them responsibility. Part of that was righting his wrongs. He made a plan to do that. He told my sister she was the last person he had to pay back. I believe she said it was ten years after he had moved out. He didn't pay the money back either in secret or in a big display of "how great I am" fanfare. He did it humbly, quietly, in person, facing his past head on. And he did it in front of his sons.

We've gotten things jumbled up in our world today. We're spinners. The story most people believe is thought to be truth. Perception is everything. We don't want to scratch below the surface and find out that the hunk of gold we possess is actually a rock covered by cheap gold paint. We just cart it around and shout "Hey, look what I've got!" As long as people believe it is gold, it is gold. They'll write stories about it in the paper, more evidence of its truth. We not only fool others, we often convince ourselves. We believe in the facade, instead of the truth that lies beneath.

Forgiveness has also become skewed. We think that because we are forgiven, there is no more responsibility. Example bankruptcy. Our courts say you can wipe out your debt, and go on. In theory it makes sense. People get overwhelmed. They get further and further into debt because they become hopeless. The goal of bankruptcy was to free them from the constant call of their debtors, take the burden and stress off of them, and allow them to begin again. Supposedly with a new attitude of financial responsibility.

But how many people really reformed after a bankruptcy and how many of their debtors suffered in the process? How have their debts impacted our world as a whole? What is the domino effect? How many other individuals suffered to make life easier for this one individual? How often was it appreciated? How often did the person erase the debt in their own mind, with no thought of ever paying it back? Since the court said they didn't have to pay it back, it no longer existed.

We're in a season right now where many people expect to create debt. They almost celebrate it. "Yes, we'll be paying for this for years, but we're worth it." "How could we not give our precious children as much as their friends? They deserve it!" "Everyone goes into debt! It's part of Christmas!"

Oh, how I love Christmas glitz! I love the lights, love the decorations, love Santa, love the faces of children as they experience the magic, love the family pictures and the Christmas letters (really, I do!) But Christmas isn't about the glitz. It's all about the gift, the baby. It's about new beginnings. It's about forgiveness. It's about second chances, or third, or hundreds. It's about us, just as we are, loved and worth sacrifice. It's about freedom. But freedom that leads us to truth, not to further carnage.

That dad would have been loved and respected by his kids whether he paid his debts or not. Kids grade on a curve. He could have hidden everything from them, said the money side of things had nothing to do with them. He could have forgotten that part of his life and moved on, vowing to not make the same mistakes. But he knew on some level his kids would sense the inconsistency. He didn't want to teach them that. He wanted a be a good dad. He wanted to be a good man. He wanted to be someone trustworthy in all things.

I'd like to issue a Christmas challenge. Be like this guy. Be different. Be responsible. Be humble. Be thoughtful. The greatest gift you can give your children, the greatest gift you can give anyone, is to be authentic. To live truth. To do what you say you're going to do. To pay what you owe. To live within your means. To treat others well. To make a plan and fulfill your responsibilities, however long it takes. That's what is going to make a true impact. Be the gift . Make a merry Christmas with what you've got today, not borrowing from the future. It is enough. You are enough. Really....it's not about the money. Unless it is other people's money that you are holding onto......or let slip from your hands. Shock a few people. Instead of paying forward, maybe you first need to pay backward. The story of Christmas? That baby was born in a manger to take you out of bondage. Tell the story in how you live.


Tuesday, November 25, 2014

What I Learned In Police School

My class and instructors. In the spirit of the school, picture from Jennifer Cowan.
Used without permission.
OK, maybe I am the only one who calls it police school. The Statesville Police Department and others call it the Citizen's Academy. We met for ten Tuesday nights (or rather nine Tuesdays and one Thursday makeup) and were taught by some of the top officers in the Statesville Police Department. We also spent four hours in dispatch (some of us a couple of hours longer, because we are people who need closure...and we enjoyed it), and another four hours riding around with a police officer (most of us with young officers.) We spent a lot of time talking about the different areas of police work and why they do what they do. It was fun and it was interesting and we had some good conversation.

This was going to be a very different blog before the Ferguson decision. As I have been watching news coverage, it is through the eyes of what I recently learned and it crystallized some of what I have been thinking about. Justice is complicated. And as those who know me personally can guess, what I learned is not necessarily what was taught.

Our Statesville police officers don't all believe the same thing. They often have similar views overall, but their opinions can vary on some things. I loved that some would discuss it openly, not in a way that was disrespectful to the department, but as family who discuss these things amongst themselves often and can agree to disagree. And learn from each other in the process. All seemed to be respectful...of each other, of citizens, and of authority. Healthy debate....good food for thought.

I was impressed with the way they described how police work has changed over the years. The goal is for safety....how do they best keep our citizens safe? It is not always going after everyone breaking the law, heading out on a high speed chase. It is not always writing a ticket, not always about making an arrest. It's not about being the biggest and baddest and the one who has the power to throw their weight around the most. It is being a presence, being alert to what it going on, paying attention to the safety of the city. Their best police weapons are their communication skills and their judgment. There are supposedly no ticket quotas...in fact, there seemed to be a bit of disdain for the cop who writes tickets whenever possible (though support of the right to do so.) Some officers enjoy writing them more than others. Some probably have personal quotas. Tickets and arrests are a reality of the system and sometimes necessary to get to a point of justice. Just a hint., though...tickets and arrests happen more often when you are belligerent and disrespectful, or challenge their authority. I shouldn't have to tell you that, but some have not learned that lesson.

We had a whole session about the use of force, when it was appropriate, when it wasn't. All in all, you can't get around the fact that it is all based on human judgment. The instructor said something like this "You have to feel that you are in danger, but how do you judge this?" He did an exercise when he was approaching me....and told me to tell him when it started to feel intimidated. That point of intimidation varies for all. And we talked about someone holding a gun....at what point does it become a threat? When you see the gun? When their arm starts to rise? When they shoot you dead?

He talked about situations where he as a veteran cop may view the danger very differently than a rookie. He talked about teaching young cops how to make good judgments in those situations, but also admitted that it is almost impossible to teach judgment. Some never learn this well....and so the decisions of how even a veteran can handle a particular situation will vary greatly.

We experienced those judgment calls ourselves when we went through a simulation during our last class. They are full size videos, and you are in the midst of them, your laser gun in hand and ready to go. (I understand the officers have their guns holstered when they do theirs.) The officer running the simulation can change things based on your actions and reactions, or even at his will. The first situation I faced was a lady angry after I stopped her in a traffic stop. She got out of the car and was belligerent. She reached back into her car and I paused. Surely she was just reaching for her license (though I had asked her to get on the ground and had not asked for her license.) She pulled out a gun, and at the same time a guy in the passenger seat also got out of the car and started shooting at me. I hesitated with her until I saw her gun, and didn't even notice her companion. Yep, I would have been dead. It does make a person think!

The officers told us about a real life situation in SC that was similar. It was a routine traffic stop where the guy reached into his car. The officer shot him, as his raised arm came out of the car, holding his wallet. The officer had asked for his license, but evidently got skittish when the man reached into his car. The whole thing was captured on the police cam video. The officer did not follow proper procedure, but something had scared him and made him react. Your license should be in your pants pocket, right? The officer asked for the license and the guy was just getting it, right? Assumptions on either, or both, sides can be wrong. My guess is that the officer's mind will play that mental tape over and over in his mind for the rest of his life. Why did he shoot him? Was his fear justified? We can look at it and say no justification indeed, but if that was us...what would we do? (This just happened in September, so is still unresolved. The good news is the guy that was shot several times lived.)

When doing my ride-along, I watched a gentleman get arrested for assault on his fiancee's son. He was 28, the son 17. He was black, the son white. The man allegedly threw the son out of their apartment, after the kid got in an argument with his brother and then with his mother (when she tried to take his cell phone away as punishment.) He left a mark around the area of the kid's neck. The man arrested was unfailingly polite to the officer. The officer was the same to him. I felt sympathy for both. And I also felt sympathy for the child, who I had seen looking weepy and defeated when he told the officer about it in the parking lot when we arrived. Not sure whose side I was on, to be honest. Teenaged boys can be horrid. Disciplining teenagers can get out of hand. Disciplining other people's kids is even harder. You can go "too far", but what is too far? Marks on the neck did seem like a justification for arrest. Truthfully, though, I felt like telling the guy arrested "Get out....you're only 28. You're not ready to be dealing with this drama." But that drama is the everyday life of many relationships and the subject of many of the calls the police answer.

The looters and arsonists and those perpetuating violence in Ferguson were caught up in the drama of life, too. For those who have no understanding, and wonder why innocent business owners were seemingly targeted, I will say that rage is blind. And anger is fear disguised. And testosterone and hormones can get the best of us when our emotions are thrown into the mix. And people live different lives. And when you think the world is against you, sometimes you react against the world. You don't notice, or at the moment care, who you are striking out towards. Not to say there should not be consequences to those who commit crimes, because I do believe in that, but there are usually reasons for what people do. They said on the news that most out on the street were young. Everything seems more vivid and critical when you're young and it is easy to get caught up in the feelings of the moment. A young man was killed. He had allegedly committed a crime. It appears there could have been a struggle between him and the officer. "You shouldn't have done it!" Easy to say to both of them in retrospect and when you were not in their shoes. I am sure both would have done things differently if life gave us the opportunity for instant replays. That is the tragedy.

When it gets down to it, police officers are human. The "criminals" and "victims" they deal with are also human. Our communities, they are made up of people who are human. Humans do unbelievably heroic things. We also do unbelievably stupid things.  We think we would do something a certain way, but when in midst of a tense situation we react differently than we ever would have believed. Still, we need to try to be prepared to deal with these things as best we can. What do we learn from Ferguson? There are layers, and all of us need to examine ourselves and our fears and our systems and learn from them all. What if your son was the one shot? What if the officer that shot him was your best friend? What if your 19-year old was in a rage after hearing this verdict about the one who killed their friend, and you couldn't stop them from leaving your home and heading to the streets? What if you were a business owner whose property was destroyed, over a cause that you were never publicly involved in? What if you were a policeman in the area, knowing what could happen in your town once that verdict was announced and your job required you be in the middle of whatever happened....wearing your uniform, part of the system being judged.

Tragedies happen, but we can't just close our eyes and think they don't impact us. Ferguson affects us all. We're not where we need to be yet. Law enforcement personnel are not respected. Racism still exists. People on all sides of the spectrum are battered and bruised and scarred and often have lost the art of good communication. We are frustrated and we stuff it...until we can't any more. We explode and implode. We get to the place where there only seem to be victims....or where everyone seems to be guilty. Or we feel we grasp it all and understand exactly how it should be. But you probably don't.

Like I said before, justice is complicated. With human beings so prominent in the equation, we can't have a perfect system. Where do we draw lines? When do we err on the side of justice and when do we err on the side of mercy? One thing I believe....we need to care about the system all the time, not just when the system is under media glare. We should keep it on our radar, not only being its watchdogs, but as those who require the system do its job, keep us safe and respect our property. We should report crime, testify when we see it, press charges when they are needed, serve on jury duty when called. We have responsibility as citizens to know what's going on with our law enforcement system, our justice system,  and in our community. The police can't do it without us. Together we are a powerful force to be reckoned with. We can make this world safer. That's what I learned in police school.

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Grateful

"Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."
John Wooden

"Pride slays thanksgiving, but a humble mind is the soil out of which thanks naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves."
Henry Ward Beecher

"When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?"
Gilbert E. Chesterton
 
 
When I am at my most whiny, and finally reach a point of self-awareness, usually I realize something about me. I am self-centered. When I am self-centered, I am petulant. When I am petulant, other people have a more difficult time meeting my expectations. When people have a harder time meeting my expectations, they disappoint me. When people disappoint me, I whine. And so it goes!

It's not just you I do this with. I do it with God. Oh yes, I know...."how could you, you dirty rotten Christian?" It's quite easy. It's a relationship, like my other relationships. None of my feelings are necessarily based on truth, or on inadequacies in others, or me being right. It's where I go. It's what I do. It's part of my pattern. It's one way I sin.

We've all got a pattern that takes us in a wrong direction. Yours may be different than mine. Yours may look a lot cooler. It may not be something that anyone else knows. But it is your dirty little secret that separates you from God. Chances are, it is something that simply puts you first and God a distant second. Chances are it is a reflection of your own self-centeredness.

When we think a bit too much of ourselves, it is difficult to be grateful. It is difficult to say thank you and really mean it. We'll be polite....and say it. But is it by rote instead of by truth?

I hate being told what to do. Even something that seems as benign as being thankful. Sometimes I just don't feel it. Sometimes I roll my eyes at the glowing words of "things I am thankful for" because I know some of the backstories. I know that some who speak the words the longest and the loudest, are not living lives that appear to reflect gratitude for what they have. They treat these people and things they say they are most thankful for with dismissal. Yeah, it's not just "them." It's me.

I also know some who seem to have a pretty rotten lot in life. Sick and battered bodies, loves lost, contentious people to deal with, money that won't stretch to meet needs, unmet expectations, unrealized dreams. How can they be thankful for that? But oh, as I have seen with so many lately, they can be and are! It's a beautiful thing.

Regardless of our circumstance, regardless of how we feel, we should "do" thanksgiving. We should make it a physical act, a mental exercise. We need to take inventory of those things that are important to us and see if we're living lives where we're grateful for those things. It's easy for our lives to become unbalanced. Sometimes we don't spend our time with those who we say are most important to us, sometimes we don't live the values we say we hold for our lives. Sometimes we don't recognize the gifts of our life. Sometimes we see nothing except ourselves. When we just see ourselves, it's difficult to be thankful for the other things. It's difficult for us to really enjoy our life.

Thanksgiving by its nature should carry a bit of humility. Being thankful requires we look beyond ourselves. It also requires we look at ourselves for what we really are. Imperfect. Not deserving of the great things that permeate our lives. Not deserving of the other imperfect people who love us, even imperfectly. The stuff. The jobs, even when they are "work". The opportunities. The freedom. The wealth.

Being thankful requires we look just at ourselves, and not weigh our bounty against the bounty of others. Because really....how can we be thankful when we are busy measuring? Impossible multi-tasking (even for us women.)

At this time of year when we hear a lot about thankfulness, it's OK to roll your eyes on occasion. (Yep, that's just me giving myself permission because it is bound to happen.) But as we start a "thankful list", know it will be long. For all of us. More than we need. Most of what we want. But the list only has significance if we live it. If we are grateful for it. Grateful enough that we change our lives. That we love people actively. That we use our stuff and share our stuff. That we realize that whatever our circumstance God has given us exceedingly, abundantly more than we deserve. (I just love those words.) If you don't see it that way, you're not really thankful.

Our whiny selves don't have much of a reason to whine. Because we are the recipients of a graciousness that is amazing. Life. Our world. Our God. Our gifts. Not given out in order of the best of us, or the worst. Just because. We don't have to be deserving, but to really appreciate what we have we do need to be grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving. May you be more than content with your lot. May you be aware of it and grateful for it. Enjoy celebrating the bounty that is yours.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Oh Getting Picked Last

I was scarred in elementary school. I think many of us were. There you are, six years old and feeling pretty good about yourself and you go to school. I have no clue when picking teams at recess started, but I believe it may have been that year. It really doesn't matter when. At some point during those early school years I remember first feeling that panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when teams were being picked and my name wasn't called. Little did I know that that feeling would follow me far into adulthood.

I've got a relatively healthy self esteem. Most days I like me. I like that I'm a woman of opinions and convictions. I believe we have a responsibility to not just float through life. I like that I usually live my life consistent with my beliefs. I'm OK with most of the choices I've made in life. Oh, not all....not even close. I'm not someone who will tell you that I wouldn't change a thing if I were given the chance, because "then I wouldn't be the person I am today." Pshhhh! No....there is much I would change. I'd like to be a different person, an even better person. I'd like to have been more adventurous...to not have played it so safe. I'd like to be less petty, less envious, less sensitive to the opinions of others. A better champion for others. More sensitive to feelings....or rather more active upon my sensitivities. I'd like to be even more reactive to the God-breath that blows through me. Too often I don't let it carry me. I hold myself back.

But that "pitty" feeling. Or maybe I should call it that pity feeling. Because really, isn't that what it is? A dose of self pity? Instead of having the esteem of a child of God, letting perfectly flawed people ruin it for us? Instead of going through life in an uninhibited dance, we instead get weighted down by the opinions of others. Or instead of feeling like a masterpiece of the Creator, we feel like....less!

We're imperfect. So are the others around us. Sometimes I feel shut out, but sometimes I get a glimpse of how I shut other people out. How I don't notice them because I am too wrapped up in me. I need to stop the focus on me and make it about someone else. Because really.....if the focus is not on us that feeling in the pit of our stomach seems to mysteriously stay away. At least in my case it does.

I'm an introvert who loves people. I'm someone who loves community. But I think sometimes I naturally put up barriers that isolate me. I think sometimes I still wait to get picked for a team....and walk away if it doesn't seem to be happening. That's no one else's fault, really. Who am I to think others are responsible for engaging me and planning my life? For some of us there is probably always going to be the natural fear of rejection when we try to engage with others. I have a few friends that seem to prefer to be the planners. When I have tried to initiate an activity, they aren't interested. When that happens several times, I tend to fade in the background. Is that wrong? I don't know.

We're in a world where a lot of people self-isolate. While a few may prefer it that way, I don't think most do. I think we want to belong, we want to be engaged. Is it technology that disconnects us? Sometimes, but I know at least for myself it can also be the thing that keeps me connected. Recently an online friend (who has never met me in person) sent me a message to check on me. It was a weekend where I was feeling especially cut off from the world, and it gave me a big boost. It made me connect to someone who noticed something a bit unusual from my norm.....all the way in a different country! 

But technology probably also shows us where our social life falls short. We see others doing all kinds of different things, and we think we're the only one at home on our couch. From my informal survey....no, we're not!

We're often too tired to plan (or is that just me?), too lazy to try to engage (even though technology makes that almost laughable), and I think we have just overall lost basic social skills and knowledge of hospitality. We tend to cling to the familiar and don't realize those that are dis-connected. We aren't on the lookout for those who also may be finding it difficult and we don't realize all of the folks who would love the pleasure of our company.

We also just misunderstand people. We're not as perceptive as we think. People often think I am a mad extrovert, just waiting for the next social event. They don't know the sometimes paralyzingly fear I face before I attend an event, and the high level of internal persuasion that goes on to make myself follow through when I say I will attend. Even when I know people who will be there and have a pretty good idea it will be OK. If not for a basic belief that it is rude to back out at the last minute, I would back out often! I will probably have figured out where all the points of exit are within three minutes of arriving....and I will admit that sometimes I have hidden out in my car for periods of time when I can't leave the event completely and there aren't enough "comfy" people around (those to whom an introvert can attach themselves to get through a social event.) I know I am not the only one who does these things (and a few other secrets I won't share)....but your secret is safe with me!

We live in a world where it is easy to get lost. I think it is easy to hide away. I don't think it is emotionally healthy. I had to laugh a bit at myself recently when I hadn't been around people for a few days and then was. Bless the hearts of those I was around...I talked a blue streak! Thankfully they were kind. Thankfully they were understanding. And thankfully I finally realized what I was doing and said "So, how are you?"....and listened to their answer.

The days of choosing teams should be over. But if for you it is not, give me the sign and I will pick you. And I will also give you a trophy for participation. There are times I don't believe that is lame at all!

Sunday, November 2, 2014

Go Fish!


If you're looking to play a human version of "Go Fish", you probably should not invite me to play. You know the game. Instead of asking if they have any 3's, they say "I'm a nice person, right?" "I'm smarter than average, right?" "I'm way prettier than her, right?" "I'm the right one in this situation, right?" My answer will probably be "Wrong!" ...because Stuart Smalley is in the room and I really like to annoy him.

Don't remember Stuart Smalley? He was that annoying, but still somewhat lovable, Saturday Night Live character played to perfection by Al Franken. Stuart had self-esteem issues and was always trying to bolster himself by repeating a litany of personal affirmations. I loved him. And hated him. Probably because he reminded me of a part of me I really don't like. I won't like it in you, either, so I simply can't play along if you try to draw me into the game.
 
Many/most of us are insecure on some level. Truth is, we're not perfect and there are plenty of people around who want to remind us of that fact often.  Sometimes we obsess over this. Sometimes we play to the crowd. It often takes a long time for us to realize that we'll never get the approval of all. Some folks are quite stingy dishing it out. Some people don't want to celebrate the good things about you because they think it detracts from the greatness of them. Some just have negative eyes....they delight in what they see as the imperfections. They celebrate the perceived flaws of others. They bond with others of like minds and tear people down instead of building people up. Truly they are not the type of people who you want to please anyway. And then there are those that just have no clue you have an issue... you think they are putting you down and they really aren't paying any attention to you at all!

I guess I could answer those questions for you honestly, because normally they are true. But really, does it matter? Do I help you when I answer them? It really doesn't matter what the truthful answer to those questions are. Most are subjective and they may change with the situation. And you're not really fishing for a long analysis of yourself now, are you? You're simply fishing for compliments.

When we look at ourselves in the mirror, shouldn't we see the image of God? Isn't it the voice of Satan that hits the extremes.....that says "Hey you....you're not all that great!", or "Why aren't you....good enough?", or the other extreme "You are perfect just the way you are". The voice of God will say "Even though I know you inside and out, you are my precious ones" and "Come to me....just the way you are now. There is no need to hide. I know you and I still want a relationship with you."

Not much in this life requires that we be perfect. Often when we think it does, we not only waste a lot of energy but we don't fulfill our purpose. The truly amazing things in life are done by those who seem inadequate. Who don't seem to have what it takes. They are forced to look to God to get their power. And that is power that changes the world.

Don't waste precious minutes of life consumed by the opinions of others. You shouldn't feel inadequate in the company of people who love you...but when you do, is that feeling coming from you or from them? If it is them, find someone else to play with. But if it is coming from you....get over yourself!

So if asked to play the human game "Go Fish!", I am not your woman. It's not that I don't think you're amazing, but instead it is because I want you to be strong and real. You don't need meaningless flattery. You need friends who know who you are and love you anyway.....and don't engage in pointless questions that, if answered, need to be answered by you.

When it gets down to it, you're good enough and smart enough, and doggone it people like you! But get your focus off that. There are other fish you could catch that will actually provide nourishment.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

On Banning Books

Evidently it's Banned Books Week. The idea of it makes me smile. It brings back good memories. While I am not in favor of banning books, I am a great fan of the spirit that comes from the opposition. The spirit that says we can wade through the muck of ideas to find kernels of truth....and we support the right to do it.

I haven't heard much about books being banned for a long time, but they were certainly banned in Iredell County during my growing up years. When book banning was discussed at school board meetings, my mother made sure she was there, and we were, too. (She, the one against banning books, usually took her knitting.) As an adult I know the effort that attending those meetings took. Mom worked and was raising a relatively large family, but still thought it was important to take the time to be involved in these decisions that impacted children's lives. Not just for her children, because she could certainly allow us to read whatever she wanted, but other children also. She believed in encouraging us to read, and not to discourage it. In our house ideas were not taboo...even when someone, or everyone, disagreed with them. They held great value. We were allowed to read anything, as long as our parents knew what we were reading. Even as adults, all five of us, and our parents, are readers. We get great pleasure from books, we get great pleasure from ideas. I don't necessarily look at life the same way as the rest of my family, or the rest of the world for that matter, but we respect the right to have different points of view.

These book banning meetings were interesting to me, even exciting, but a bit odd. Being a rather conservative Christian, with many friends who were also conservative Christians, they often meant that I was on the opposite "side" of friends I liked and respected. Some of their families looked at things differently than mine did. Some of their parents wanted to shelter and protect them from ideas that were different from those they believed in. My family probably held tight to the exact same core values as their families, but we were raised a bit differently. We also were somewhat sheltered, but not from ideas. We talked a lot, we argued a lot, and learned to form our own opinions. Our opinions could be different than those of our parents. We could change our mind, and were encouraged to do just that when the ideas supported it. Ideas and opinions were not stone, instead they were water. They flowed, they drifted, and they changed things. Including our minds.

My mother would buy us any book that was banned, if we agreed to read it. She said that was the positive of book banning in her mind.....it made her kids want to read. The books were discussed... why people wanted them banned, and whether we agreed with their reasons. We never did. We always found value in the ideas they provoked, and often even found that the books that were banned actually supported the ideas of the people who were against them. I remember when Brave New World by Aldous Huxley was banned for being anti-God, anti-family. In our house the reading was the opposite. Huxley was a satirist, and was himself dismayed by a world in which people worshipped things, lived promiscuously, and didn't think for themselves. We thought he had a good point.

We must not be threatened by ideas that are different than ours. We must not be afraid of disagreements. We must not be afraid of looking at a subject from a different angle or filtered through a different point of view. That is how we learn, that is how we grow. Sometimes our current point of view is right. But sometimes, quite often really, something that we would have bet the farm on is just downright wrong. The prize to entertaining that possibility is finding truth. And finding truth, that is what life is all about.

So during this Banned Books week, consider whether you need to be a rebel. Read a book that just may be outside of your comfort zone. Be a bit naughty and read a book that has been banned. Hear the ideas of someone who thinks things through in a different way than you. Really hear the voice of someone who does not share your mind and thoughtfully consider what they have to say. If we applied the same reasons for why books that have been banned to the Bible, we'd knock it off our reading list. It would be the most banned book out there. You know something.... worldwide I do believe it is.

Ideas that change people, ideas that challenge people, ideas that inspire people.....many fear them. God knew the power of the written word and was confident that in the end man would see truth. It is when our minds are closed that we stop the process of growing and changing and learning how to discuss differing opinions. We fail to find valuable nuggets.....and share them. We limit who we are and why we were created. So let's use those minds, and believe that for active minds truth will eventually show itself. Let's fight for the ideas to flow and not lock them up and ban them from consideration. It's pretty difficult to change someone's mind if we don't listen to their point if view. I do believe there are at times fragile minds that may need to be protected.....but most of us were given hearty minds that were made to be work horses. Let's get out those horses and exercise them!




Tuesday, September 16, 2014

When the Bomber Is Your Friend

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over." – Octavia Butler

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly." -Proverb

What do you do when someone you care about is blowing up their life? What do you do when that person is blowing up the lives of many people around them? What do you do when you feel that they are isolating themselves from people who love them, and only listening to people who tell them what they want to hear - others who are living their lives in ways seemingly ignorant of the carnage they leave in their wake?  What do you do when they think they are right, and only pity you for caring?

I love imperfect people. I am also by nature an idealist. It provides a weird contrast in my life. I don't understand why people don't do what I consider to be the right thing. I don't understand why people do things that I consider to be out of character for them. I don't understand why someone who has shown me such love and compassion can turn around and show others what appears to be no regard. What appears to be hate and hatefulness.

Unfortunately I am not talking about just one situation, one relationship, here. I have seen these aberrations of behavior all around me. I believe most of us have. Sometimes I find myself holding myself back, driving by the accident scene and rubber necking. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be this one woman vigilante, running in, swords drawn, and challenging them to a duel.....or challenging the bad influencers that I think are encouraging their bad behavior to a duel. (Never mind that I suspect they may be better swordsmen than me.) Sometimes I want to kidnap them, and de-program their brain. I am convinced they have been brainwashed and when taken away from it all we could get them back on track. Still other times I want to live my perfect little "ignorance is bliss" life and pretend nothing is happening.

But truth is that God has given us free will. People get to make certain stupid choices for their lives. When someone is on a path to self destruction, sometimes you can do nothing about it. Sometimes it is none of your business. Sometimes you need to stay away. But when is that the case, and when can you just run to them and hug them and try to protect them from themselves?

I haven't figured any of this out yet really. The "hate the sin, love the sinner" stuff gets complicated. I suspect that the simple act of writing all of these questions down sets the stage for me to share with you my own personal quest for enlightenment. It will probably continue throughout my lifetime. Especially since, as I said before, I love the imperfect.

But this I already know.....or think I know...

>If you are my family, if you are my friend, I will love you through the imperfect. You can count on this. You will be on my mind whether you are around me or not. I will not cease to pray for you. I will not erect barriers to you. I can't enable you to do what I think is wrong, but neither will I shun you.
>I will never tell you what you are doing is right, if I think what you are doing is wrong. I do not believe that is loving you well...and if I love you, you deserve to be loved well. I hope you listen to my point of view once, because there is usually a compulsion for me to tell you what I think. Not just to hear myself speak, or to spout dogma, but because I genuinely care. I think that is part of what loving someone is...seeing who we really are, loving them anyway, and caring enough to speak truth. I hope you listen when you can hear something besides Charlie Brown's teacher.
>I will try not to constantly throw your mistakes in your face. If you have listened once, or are overloaded with what others are saying and need silence, I will try to respect this. If my past experience is any indication, I may find this to be very difficult. When this happens, you are allowed to say "Let's change the subject." I promise I will try. Others have done this, and I was able to restrain myself, Sometimes we don't need more bullets pointed our way.
>If your victims need care, I will take the ointment and bandages. Sometimes because I love them, too. Sometimes because you should be doing it, and aren't.
>Self-destructive behavior happens for a reason. Sometimes drugs and alcohol are involved. Sometimes immaturity. Sometimes anger. Sometimes fear. Sometimes depression. Sometimes a health problem. Sometimes a restlessness that you just can't pinpoint. Often a combination of many of these. Don't try to just heal yourself. See a professional. A good doctor who you will be honest with. Please have yourself checked out and make sure something else is not going on that may be causing your change in behavior. What can it hurt? 
>If you appear OK physically, try to talk things through with a good mental health professional. Someone without skin in the game who listens impartially. None of us know the whole story, the real story. That probably includes you. Maybe someone else can see the tapestry and not the strings. 
>I believe usually people should bare the natural consequences of their actions. I think also, perhaps, mercy was not given to me in spades. I am trying to develop it. Sometimes you may have to remind me of that fact. Code word: mercy.

Lest you are reading this and think I am only writing about you, I will say while your face may be in my mind, unfortunately there is more than one face there at the moment; more than one person who fits the criteria. You are not the only one who I think is blowing up their life at the moment, but that does not lessen the pain I feel as I think of you. Who are you today and who do you want to be? If you have forgotten the good, the value you are to the world, let me know. I can remind you. I believe in you. I will continue to cheer for you to be your best, though never expecting perfection. Even when you are a screw up, there are folks who love you. Don't forget to notice that, even if the eyes looking at you show disappointment. We're human, too. And though we not be open about it, many of us know quite a lot about screwing up. You are not the first, or the only.

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Feeding the Man-Eating Tiger and Making It Grow

I am not an enabler. It is a decision I have made in my life, and not my natural inclination. I think I first consciously made this decision in college. Drugs, alcohol.... rampant, especially with Radio, Television and Motion Pictures majors (also know as RTVMP, or Rumptyvump, department now defunct). I remember coming home from class one day my first year and my suitemate was sitting in a rocking chair, rocking and babbling, zoned out of her mind. It was sad. I made sure she was OK, then shut my door. I didn't think giving her extra attention was helpful. And really, I didn't think there was anything I could do.

I saw another friend, one of the most delightful and brilliant people I knew, go downhill before my very eyes. He came to college a pot smoker, but while he was there added additional substances. He lost his vision, lost his drive, his magnetic personality dissipated, his eyes lost their sparkle, he became out of shape and his hygiene suffered, and his brain disengaged. He thought he was fine. He thought all was under control and he didn't have a problem. At first I tried to ignore. Underneath he was still the friend I loved. He was still fun, and thoughtful (most of the time) and one of my favorite people to hang out with. While I knew about the drugs, it wasn't because he told me.  He didn't use around me and tried to shield me from what was going on. Still, I could see the outward effects.

I needed an apartment to stay in my senior year and he needed a roommate. I nearly moved in. Common sense eventually prevailed. I realized I would become a mother hen, trying to protect him from himself and the consequences of his actions.  I also realized I would not like that version of me. See, I am a fixer...I like to rush to the rescue of others, requested or not. If someone is not ready to really be helped, it is useless and frustrating. I know that now. Then it was still up in the air.

I knew he could manipulate me, knew I would try to manipulate him, knew it would probably become an obsession for me. It was not a way I wanted to live life at 20. Or now. I moved in with another friend. This was probably a defining moment in my life. It was so difficult for many reasons. I felt a bit of guilt....and regret. Maybe I could help him. Maybe if I was there daily, he wouldn't use. Maybe I could help him get help. But no....you can't change an addict.  He had to do that himself. At this time in my life I hadn't completely learned you can't change other people. I hadn't completely learned when I try to do this, I become someone I don't want to be. But that process was beginning....I had an inkling.

It's not just drugs and alcohol. Those are just easy examples. Enabling any bad behavior feeds it. It makes it grow. You smooth over temper tantrums. You give in to the demands of a manipulator. You tell someone with a weight problem they are not fat and add another portion to their plate. You believe those who say their bad behavior is your fault. You believe people who say their bad behavior is the fault of others. You give money to someone with money problems. You lie to cover for someone in your life so people don't see the reality of them. You buy your child the toy they are screaming for in WalMart. You support someone who will not work, You support an abuser. You don't counter the lie of a liar. You tell someone it is OK not live up to their responsibilities. You think you are helping or that you are doing it out if love, but you're not being kind. You're feeding the man-eating tiger.

Love is not helping someone become less than they should be. Love is not telling people their bad behavior is OK or normal. Love is not holding out your hand and helping them go down a path of destruction or trying to ignore it when you see them make that turn. Love is not failing to confront the thing that is destroying them. 

But love is also not harping on their behavior and making it the only thing you see when you look at that person. We need to somehow keep the love going, without feeding the negative behavior. Shame has a place in our lives.....sometimes it is what drives us to change....but we need to make sure we don't become shamers. There are enough of those in the world and I haven't noticed them to be particularly positive influences.

Sometimes love is walking away and letting someone face the consequences of their own actions. Sometimes it is removing certain kinds of support. Sometimes it is praying that there will be consequences instead of praying they will have none. Sometimes it is letting the legal system work. Sometimes it is establishing limits. Sometimes it is having a direct confrontation. Sometimes it is pointing them into the direction of treatment. Sometimes it is an ultimatum. Sometimes it is just loving them and putting your arms around them, and whispering in their ear all the things they are instead of all the things they are not. Sometimes it is erecting boundaries and making sure these boundaries are firm and respected.

There is a difference between supportive love and enabling. Supportive love makes a person stronger, better. It builds them up. Enabling allows them to continue to be weak. It holds them back or tears them down. Look at your relationships. Are the people around you growing or floundering? Ultimately the responsibility for either falls on them (make no mistake about that), but you have a choice to make. How will your relationship impact them?


Tuesday, August 26, 2014

The First Day of School

 
 
I believe I had a stomach ache every first day of school for all of my 12 years. Wait.....better add four years of college to that, and probably any class I have taken since. The first day of school has always scared me. While most saw me as an extrovert, I never really was. I would look around feverishly until I saw a friend I could latch onto, or quake with intimidation until someone was nice to me. That's when I would get a bit comfortable with things and the floodgates would open. I talked a lot when comfortable. Some teachers may have wished I had been a bit less comfortable. Let's face it.....five kids and two parents. You learn to fight to be heard. And you never get to say everything you want to say, so it's a constant thing you fight for. Sometimes you get so excited you forget what you meant to say when it is your time to speak and sound a bit like an idiot. Really...the original thought....was profound!

I was in constant fear in school. It was my parent's fault (of course). The rule in our house was that whatever punishment the teacher doled out, your punishment at home was that times two. Possibly not the best way to learn your times tables, or maybe it was. I was terrified of the paddle, which was the punishment of choice for most teachers during my school years. I managed to avoid it, though I cut it close one time. My name was taken and we were told that it was an automatic paddling. Lindsey Clendenin was the teacher.....must have been fifth grade. I was filled with absolute horror. She was not known for backing down, but I must have been one of her exceptions. She saw the tears in my eyes and couldn't do it. I loved her after that and suspect my mouth stayed closed when required.

Back to school clothes were great, though for the short chunky girl who hated shopping (maybe it was because I was a chunky girl?) it was torture as we went from store to store looking for clothes that fit. We'd hit downtown Statesville....the place to go back then pre-mall....Belk, J.C. Penney's, Spainhour's, and Hines, my favorite because that was usually find sonething to fit me. At least we didn't have to fit my body in a school uniform.

The school supply lists back then were nothing like the ones now. Sorry teachers, but I think they had it right then. Notebooks, loose leaf, some #2 pencils, extra erasers, a couple of composition books, a protractor, and a new lunchbox, and we were set to go. Not sure why the needs have escalated for parents over the year. I read those lists and they put me in a state of shock! Do these things really help kids learn more? I don't think so. In fact, I think perhaps we could even have cut a few things from the old timers list!  I think I am with the schools I have heard about in other places that provide all of the basic things for students. That should be the great equalizer....the same school supplies for all. I hate the idea that a kid will go without either because their parents can't afford it, refuse to buy it, or doesn't know it is their responsibility. Those notes sent home....ummmmm.....some parents choose not to read them, others don't know how. Extra attention needs to be paid to their kid. Subtlely. It's not their fault and should not be their humiliation.

There seems to be less recess and PE now. I would have loved that, especially had it be replaced by library time. (Yep, geek.) I was always told I was unathletic..or maybe I just felt that way. I was always picked last....and never got to pick myself. (That last part was OK....picking would have been a dilemma...friends or athletes?). I wish I had known it was not a life sentence. I now know that I was just not athletically skilled and had not been told that it was new to me and would come with time and practice. It should have been about learning to move for life. I believe it should have been a bit crazy and chaotic and fun. Joyful. Not so much squat thrusts (the earlier evolution of burpees, which I have now made one of my life goals to avoid forever), or dodgeball (Really? Throw balls at your classmates as hard as you can, and the one who hits the most wins?). More running and jumping and dancing and throwing balls at targets instead of people. 

Oh....the ultimate horror of my school years. Mandatory showers after PE freshman year of high school. My teacher positioned over the showers checking off whether we got naked and ran water over our bodies. I worried every day of my summer vacation before high school over that one, and no.....it was not OK. Reality was not better than the fear. While I am not particularly modest now, I was then, and even at that age, maybe especially at that age, I should have been told I was in charge of who sees my body without clothes. I hear it is not a requirement now....good!

The teachers....they could make or break a year. Some I considered friends. Some I considered really smart adults who were right up there on my pedestal. Some I never figured out why they went into teaching anyway. They didn't seem to enjoy kids, they didn't have a passion for the classes they taught. I learned a bit about work then. There are those who will always do the minimum for their job. There are those who will make their job drudgery. But it taught me something....I never wanted to be like them.

In honor of this first day of school, here are some life lessons I have learned for students....and adults.
1. Respect your teacher (and we all should have teachers!)  Even if you disagree with them. Sometimes people deserve respect because of their title. This lesson has been forgotten. It is a shame. Remember Daniel in the Bible? No? Well, look up that story. You will learn that you can be respectful but not agree with the leader, hold true to your beliefs, and accomplish your goals, all at the same time. When you come at a person with disrespect, they no longer hear you. You sound like Charlie's Brown teacher to them. You don't have to always agree with them....but always respect them. Especially if you want them to listen to you.
2. It is your teacher's job to teach you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Really....they are getting paid to do this! If you are willing to put in the effort, they should be willing to make sure you learn the material. Don't be ashamed of what you know (or don't know) today....only be ashamed if you don't know more tomorrow.
3. Don't rebel against learning. That cheats only you and makes you a fool. Learn as much as you can from everyone. Information is gold. Take all you are given....and ask for more.
4. Learn to read.....well. I believe there is no greater thing that will ensure your success. Read anything and everything. There is little you can read that won't be of value....if you also learn to question, discern, and not take everything you read as truth. Read and think and engage your mind.
5. Make your years of education more than just about book learning. Get involved. Play sports, run for a class office, try out for a school play, write for the school paper, enter a talent show. Try things expecting to fail on occasion. Don't let that get you down....most of the greats have failed. Most of the really greats have failed big. It's not that you fell down, it's all in how you get back up. Do it with grace and style. And laughter. And with the knowledge that you are in great company.
6. Practice virtues you believe in. What kind of qualities do you respect in a person? Honesty, hard work, passion? Then do them. Practice makes perfect.
7. How you act towards other people can change their lives. Be kind. Be interested. Be someone who pulls someone up, not someone who pushes them down. Collect friends. Let them know you care. Make memories. Write them down....and take a selfie.

I loved and hated school. I didn't like being told what to learn, was disdainful of what I thought of as busy work (still am) and hated that tests weren't more interactive. But the learning itself....was bliss. I like to know things. I want to know more. I regret I didn't make more of the opportunities offered, that I didn't aim a bit higher, that I wasn't more creative as I designed my life. But our education doesn't stop because we are out of school. We can learn and change until we die. We can become a good student today. So that is my goal. I resolve to try a bit harder, seek out more knowledge each day, and do things that don't come easily to me, until they do. We dumb ourselves down too often....let's get smart instead. Let that first day of school stomach ache be over and done with. We will not be scared....we will be educated.


Monday, August 18, 2014

The Quest for Integrity In Business



I can be a pain in the rear when it comes to good customer service. I think that is the cornerstone of a good business....and good business matters to me, because people matter to me and businesses are people. We forget that sometimes, and buy into the thought that a business is an entity of itself. It never really is, so don't ever let anyone hide behind the idea of the "corporate machine", lest you become the star of "The Emporer's New Clothes". Don't remember that story? Google it, or go and read it here:
http://www.andersen.sdu.dk/vaerk/hersholt/TheEmperorsNewClothes_e.html

Public relations and marketing are fascinating to me. I have a fixation on both and have since my college years. Maybe even before that. Truth is, they can make or break a business. Over time they have become spin doctors.....those who mold the truth to make it palatable. In this world that is a great skill. One that can make or break a business. Unfortunately it can also make or break a person's (company's) character when used to pass off a lie as truth or only reveal part of the story.

I give feedback. Don't ask me what I think about your business (or your personal life) unless you are prepared for the truth according to Kim. Not that I am always right....or that my opinion is better than your own or that I expect you to change things just because of what I say. But if asked, and often when not asked, I will try to give it to you, limited knowledge and all. You can tell me to stop, and I will. Almost always.

So, I was eating a Quest bar one day, one of my favorite protein bars for a variety of reasons (they meet my protein requirements....no wimpy amounts for me...and are constantly ranked as one of the best out there...and you know I am a geek who reads up on this stuff). Anyway, I noticed something in there that wasn't supposed to be there. It looked like a hair, or maybe a string. Freaked me out for a bit, until I realized I didn't think I had eaten any of it (note I didn't ponder this at great length. If I did, I didn't want to know.)

But because if I were a business I would want to know such a thing, I sent them an email. Not because I was horrified, or plotting a lawsuit (I find that silly and wrong), but because they needed to know.

They took immediate action....sent me a box to put the remains in and said they would study it. Had someone come and pick it up. Also sent me a couple of boxes of Quest bars.... which I was not afraid to eat, by the way. I had eaten hundreds before with no issue.

I thought that the whole thing was over, until I received a letter from them the other day. The letter made me love their company and not just their product. To me it was the best in customer service. Taking a complaint seriously, investigating it, figuring out what happened and why, putting in a plan of action for it not happening again, and keeping me included as part of the "team" solving the program. Here is that letter: 

http://support.questproteinbar.com/attachments/token/ItCgpJcl85RdtU80AuLMq3YAK/?name=customer+Concern+%2349414+Kim+Mckinney.pdf



I share this to celebrate this company, not to shame them. I have much respect for how they handled the situation. Here's what I think we can learn from this:

1. Check things out. I could have been a crazy person wanting to sue....or someone just wanting free Quest bars. They checked out my claim.....asked for the evidence. As someone who doesn't like false claims, I totally respect this. If making a claim about the quality (or character) of a product, company, or person, offer the first hand proof to back it up.

2. Consider the fact that you might be wrong. Listen to criticism, check it out, and take it seriously.

3. Acknowledge fault. When you're wrong, say you're wrong. Don't gloss over it, don't try to hide it.

4. Don't only look at the problem on the surface. Ask the important questions - how did this happen and how can we make sure this doesn't happen again?

5. Use any problem or mistake as a learning experience. How can it make you better?

6. How is your quality control team? Are the people who surround you effective at guaranteeing your quality? Whether you are a business or a person, having a good quality control staff is gold. Sometimes a business has to remind and re-train. Sometimes as an individual you need to make sure those who surround us care about our quality (our character and well-being) and make the effort to speak up or challenge when there are problems.

7. When people give you good feedback, let them know if you use it. Let them know if it changes who you are or how you do things. Even if it is years later. Too often we don't do this, and we have neglected an opportunity to help that person see why they are here. Let's encourage people for the good they do, and not just criticize those who de-rail us.


 8. Don't have unrealistic expectations of people or companies. We all make mistakes. That bonds us. Let's not be finger pointers, without being willing to make things better. And let's be gracious in our forgiveness.

When problems occur, the best approach is just to go naked, not pretend you are wearing clothes, adding a few extra layers or putting on a complete disguise so no one can really see you. When we see others make mistakes, let's remember our own and be part of their solution, not blow the problem out of proportion. Let's also not ignore mistakes if they need to be revealed. Be pure in your quest. Covering up who you really are and what you really do does nothing but diminish your humanity and your integrity.

Saturday, August 9, 2014

The "Come To Jesus" Meeting To Which You Are Not Invited

From time to time, OK....really often, I have to have a "come to Jesus" meeting. Seriously. Truth is that sometimes I forget that between me and God the conversation is usually supposed to be all about me. Or about me and God and this relationship we have.

Now it's not that I think God doesn't want to hear my prayers for others - for those who are sick, or those whose lives are headed in the wrong direction, or those who are struggling with life. But how often are my prayers for others and how often are they about me? When I talk to God about others, what is my purpose? What is my commitment? Am I deflecting a higher calling? Am I avoiding a look at my own heart?

While sometimes our prayers can change God's direction, I think often we pray with a very shallow purpose. We pray to be considered "nice people." We pray to get our way. We pray to give God our side of the story, so we can tell ourselves we're right. We throw up prayers like popcorn, hoping God catches a kernel in his mouth, but really expecting that he won't. It's almost like a party game. "Lord, heal my friend." Then we kinda think "Prayer prayed. Cross that off my 'to do' list. Now I have fulfilled what I said I would do. I can now say 'I have been praying for you.' Nothing else for me to do here. When they are healed I can say 'I helped!' But really it looks bad. Probably nothing positive going to happen there!"

But really, are these the kinds of prayers that moved God in scripture? If we were God, would those prayers impress us? I don't think so. I think those prayers can be considered cheap, if not worthless. Mocking God.

Take that same prayer, "Lord, heal my friend." What if we prayed in such a way that it really directed our attention to God at work? What if as we prayed we promised God that we would watch as he works in that person's life and the lives of those around them? What if we promised to acknowledge God if that person is healed? What if we asked God how we could help that person or their family or perhaps others in their same situation? What if it moved us to change who we are and how we live? What if it drew us closer to God? Wouldn't that give that prayer some depth? Another layer of purpose?

My heart breaks as I look at this world. My heart breaks as I look at the lives of those I love, especially those who seem to be on the wrong path; who seem to be making decisions that will do nothing but hurt them and hurt others. The truth is, though, I (we) can't change other people. Ever. God gave them the freedom to live lives of truth or lives of lies. They must make the appropriate decisions to change themselves, they must make the decision to thumb their nose at God or surrender all they are. There's something quite freeing about that when I have it in proper perspective.  I can pray and trust God can handle the situation. With or without me. I can be willing to be used by God in people's lives, but have to acknowledge when I try to change people under my own power, it usually doesn't work out. God doesn't necessarily need to use me in everyone's lives that are around me. After a while you have to surrender your perceived control and say "God I trust you to lead them. To let them hear your voice. Please do the same for me and teach me to follow you."

The second part is the hardest part. It means our focus has to change to living the life God  wants us to live, and not the one that comes naturally. That which comes naturally usually takes us in the direction of our own desires, and not God's. One thing I can promise....if you do God's way correctly, you will not remain in your comfort zone. You will not be able to coast on your strengths.....you will be challenged to let God work through your weaknesses. You will not have time to pass judgment on others. In other words, you will not be the Holy Spirit of the world, the nation, your neighborhood or even your own home. You will  be a person of opinions, someone called to speak when they feel they have no words or aren't especially good at it, and you will be fully involved with the problems of the world. Because if you are God's person, justice, love, peace, forgiveness, and mercy are the foundations of how you live. Those things require that you give up your comfort, and challenge the person you think you are. It requires you not live in a righteous little bubble, but engage with the world.

Those who follow God surrender their "rights." They realize it's not all about them. They don't compare what they have been given with those around them, because the truth is they have enough. Whatever it may be. Our purposes are different. Our mission fields are different. Our strengths and weaknesses are going to be used differently. All that we are, and all that we aren't, is by design. Some of us may think we have good reason to whine, but one thing I have found....however little that I may think I have, there always seems to be someone with less. However inept I may think I may be, God can work through it. Needs are great, and God meets those needs in interesting and unexpected ways, through not-so-interesting-but-incredibly-amazing people who are willing to be used. OK....even through the unwilling and kicking and screaming folk!

I have said before that I'm not a "good Christian". Maybe no one is, but from my eyes it does seem to come more naturally to other people than me. I'm a rebel by nature. I'm not even a "good Christian" on my best days. In fact, I hate....yes hate....the phrase "good Christian". It puts a pressure on us that I don't think God intended. It makes it about us instead of God. Truth is, the greatest story of scripture is that we can't be good enough.....and we don't have to! Pressure off. Time to move on in spite of it.

I've always been quite aware of the level of my sinful nature and yes, I can probably beat you. I'm fortunate in that I was aware of God at a young age and he's had my attention ever since. But one thing I have learned.....I must stay on a short leash. I am the person in that old hymn you may have heard "prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love."

So frequent "come to Jesus" meetings are necessary where we talk about me, and how I fall short, and what I need to do to get back on track. Where I don't blame others for who I am or what I have done, but accept responsibility for the ways I fall short. Where I remind God of all I am not, and he reminds me of all he is. Where he reminds me that there is no valid excuse to disengage or insulate or live a life without purpose. Where there is no valid reason to disrespect people, or be unkind, or be less than I was created to be. Where there is no excuse to not stand up for what is right, honest, just and true. Where he reminds me that since I am His, he's got me covered. Where I am weak, He is strong.

I am sorry that I can't invite you to join us in my "come to Jesus" meetings, but if I did I'd probably want that time to be about you. Because it's much easier to talk about what you need to do, how you need to be, and where you fall short, than for me to face the reality of what is expected of me. 

But go ahead and set up your own "come to Jesus" meeting. No appointment necessary, though you may find you need to make one. Because God, he's ready to talk with us at any time. We, however, tend to get a bit distracted. When you meet, it's important for you to talk about you. More often than not, only about you. If you listen carefully you will get some great guidance pointing you towards a life that will fulfill all of your innermost wants and needs. Bitterness, self pity, fear, anger....they will all fall away. You won't have time for them. The plan for your days will probably not be what you ever expected, but will be so good. Breathe it all in, and let your life exhale grace. You will be changed. The world will, too.

"Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.
 
Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.
 
Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.
 
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.
 
O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day."
 
                 Robert Robinson/John Wyeth