So Maybe I Don't Have Children, But....

I happened to make a comment about parenting recently.  A woman in the room looked at me and said sarcastically "Well you have raised so many children, I guess you know how to do it best."

Yeah, it stung, and it seemed to be the kind of comment that had some venom behind it.  The people pleaser side of me wondered what I had done that made this person have anger towards me and feel the need to say that (Had I been arrogant?  Had I been thoughtless?), particularly since it was a casual discussion and I hadn't even made a comment that in my eyes required the background of deep parenting skills (or in my mind was particularly controversial.)   I said that I don't understand why a parent wouldn't fight to spend more time with their children.

In fact, I think not having children particularly qualifies me to make that statement.  I understand that being a parent is a privilege denied to many....and yeah, I don't understand why you would be granted that privilege, accept that responsibility, and not do the work it takes to intimately get to know the person you are raising.  Too many kids today are virtually raising themselves because their parents have "more important" things to garner their attention.  Many kids don't have anyone in their life that is focusing on who they really are and who they are becoming and that cares enough to be involved and guide them toward good things.

My slightly defensive response was "True, but I have probably spent more time with children than most parents."   We changed the subject and I avoided that person for the rest of the day.  Quite honestly it changed the way I felt about her, and I haven't decided whether that is appropriate or not.  Probably not since I don't believe we should base our relationships with people on one comment (because I myself have made many an insensitive comment in my time.)  So I will go through the process of forgiving and try to forget it.  But I haven't quite gotten there yet.  Since then I have thought more about it (a lot....because I tend to obsess over such things) and I decided I have something else to say on the subject.

Having a baby does not make you a parent.  Most people would agree with that.  But I would go a bit further and say that raising a child, or even a house full of children, does not mean you are an expert at parenting.  Even if they turned out well!  Even if we would agree that having them turn out well meets the criteria to say you an expert at raising your own children, it does not give you an expertise that is necessarily transferable to other children.

Parenting is not a science, and not even an art.  It's probably more of a gamble than anything else.  You can make good bets along the way, even make the best statistical move at every given moment, but still that child can grow up to be a person with major issues.  You're raising a person, one with a mind of their own.   A sinner, with the choice to go in whatever direction they choose, or even just sit there and do nothing with their life.

The paradox to this is that you can't say it doesn't matter what you do and throw your hands up in the air.  You have to try.  There is no job more important than parenting....and there is nothing a person can do that will more directly impact the world than how they raise their child.  That is why I don't understand people who don't expend much of their energy to the task.  And why I don't understand why people are not on their knees talking to God about it every single day of their child's life.  And that is why I stand by my statement.  I don't understand why a parent wouldn't fight to spend more time with their children.  Because you know, I was not granted the privilege of having children of my own, but I have probably paid attention to yours.  They need and deserve your best.  It makes a difference in who they are and who they are going to be.  And it is your responsibility.... and your privilege.... to know them, their strengths and their weaknesses, and teach them how to live life well.  Are these other things that grab your attention really more important?

When They "Make" You Worry

I find lately that I am worrying more than usual lately.  Not about myself, but about other people.  It's difficult to love people, think they may be making some mistakes in their lives, and realize that there is very little that you can do about it. 

I tend to be fairly open with my opinions, but I struggle about when it is time to speak up and when it is time to mind my own business and keep my mouth shut.  Often I don't know what is going on for sure.....there is just that inkling that someone is headed for trouble, and I don't have real evidence.  They don't bring it up, possibly because they think they will disappoint me or possibly because it is their dirty little secret that they would rather keep private (be they cherishing it or feeling ashamed.)  But I feel  like they are hanging over the edge and not crying out for help and it's frustrating....I want to do something.

I also know that maybe it is nothing and I am over-reacting....or maybe they have it under control and I should have confidence in them.  I don't believe my intuition is always right....and sometimes I hope it is completely off base.  I also know that all problems don't concern me....and there are boundaries that I don't need to cross.

There are other times when I know they are in trouble.....underwater and gasping for breath.  They have taken a running leap off the edge, and are in the midst of a freefall.  They have made mistakes that will forever impact their life.  Yet there is a chance that they can leap from the bottom of the pit and fly.  It will take hard work and great desire....and a realization that they are responsible for their own actions.  It is possible.  But until I know what their choice will be....I often worry. 

I read a quote that said “Worry is momentary atheism crying out for correction by trust in a good, sovereign God.” (Randy Alcorn)

It made me think....and remember what I already know, and yet I somehow keep forgetting.  I have to trust God.  Not just with my own life, but with the lives of those I love.  While some things that happen to me are beyond my control, almost all things in the lives of others are.  They get to to choose how to live.  They get to decide whether to listen to the voice of God, or worship a god of their own (even the god of self, others, self-pity, anger, immaturity, or evil.)  They get to decide how to wear their faith....naked as a jaybird, covered by a shroud, or as a Halloween costume.  They can even step off the ledge and freefall into a life that I know will bring them despair or pain.  For some reason God has given them that choice...and if I trust in a good, sovereign God, then who am I to question the wisdom of that?

Scripture tells us that "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond all cure.  Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)   I can't just listen to my heart here...it can lie to me.  I have to also use my brain.  But most of all, I need to keep my eyes and ears attuned to the hands and voice of God.  Anxiety is a choice and is time wasted.  My job is to pray and and believe and watch God work.  There are times when I need to get involved, but often I need to just watch and pray.  God is at work and doesn't want me in there messing up things...He'll call me if He needs me.

Sometimes....I dare say, even often....people are going to come through.  They are going to learn and grow and do good things, even if it takes some major bumps along the way.  I think the voice of the Spirit is loud and constant....and I believe it is an ongoing dialogue in their ears. I believe that voice can drown out their (our) will.  My prayer is going to be that He increases the volume.....for them and for me....and that I will be sensitive when God calls me to action, and when he merely wants me to shut up, trust Him, and stay out of the way.