The Silent Treatment

Someone is giving me the silent treatment. It came out of the blue. They were someone I considered. a good friend and confidant. We had had a series of fun conversations over the course of a weekend several months back as they traveled around and told me what they were seeing and doing. We had our last conversation that Sunday night....pleasant and nothing unusual, that I noticed. The last thing they said to me was "I'll call you tomorrow." They didn't call, nor have they called me since.

I was first worried about them when I didn't hear from them. I tried calling them. I left the "Are you OK?" message. I finally realized it was an intentional thing. They were ignoring me. Because that was what they chose to do.

Believing in positive confrontation, I tried to find out what was going on. Phone messages and texts got no response. I'm not naive enough to believe everyone has to be my friend. That's impossible, isn't it? I didn't even want the friendship to continue if that was not what this other person wanted. I've blogged before about my rules for friendship....someone has to be in my life by choice and because they both like and respect me. If not, there is no need for them to be there. But this was someone I thought was a close friend. Someone I confided in. Someone I told things I hadn't told other people.  Leaving my life without a word hurt me. It threw me off-kilter. It didn't line up with things that I thought I knew about this person. I thought they really cared about me and were indeed a true and reliable friend. Someone I could count on. The idea that I possibly had trusted and confided in someone who wasn't worthy of that honor (and it is an honor)....it sickened me. 

I questioned myself. Why? Had I done something?  Examining it, there was nothing of which I was aware. Had I completely mis-judged them and they were just an insensitive jerk? Maybe.....but I'd like to think that after a period of time I would have a good grasp on a person's character. I realize that sometimes people never let you see the real them. Maybe that was the case here. I have no clue. It remains a mystery.

Truthfully I did not question myself very long about my part in things. I know certain things about myself. I am a good and loyal friend. I am one because I choose to be. I am one because I am willing to work at relationships, confront lovingly when necessary, and extend grace and forgiveness if needed. I am not perfect, but am also not friends with perfect people. And fortunately I have plenty of wonderful friends who are faithful and true and willing to work for good.

Examining further, I am not the only person who this person has shut out of their life. They have shut out someone who was a far better friend to them than I ever had the chance to be. They say it is that person's choice. I have never believed that. And if it was,  knowing the kind of friend this person was to them.....they should have done all in their power to reconcile and get that person to change their mind. From what they told me about the situation, they were wrong...their friend wasn't. They treaded on territory that was not really their business. Not that they couldn't give an opinion on it, but that person did not have to agree with them or change anything in their life because they thought they should. You should be able to give friends your opinion (lovingly), but they are under no obligation to take it. Ever. Respecting your friends means you respect their right to make decisions for themselves. 

In my opinion, you never shut platinum friends out of your life (I call "platinum" friends those who have been there for you in the worst of times and inconvenienced themselves for your good) ....unless they become "bad friends" and do not treat you with honor and respect. I did not see that being the case here. (Though my disclaimer...I was not there and this was not my relationship, so I don't pretend to know if my opinion is correct. Just another thing that came to mind as I analyzed the situation.)

Being the Googler I am, I Googled "silent treatment" one day. There was a lot of interesting stuff there, but nothing that indicated it could ever be emotionally healthy for anyone involved. It is a passive-aggressive form of behavior usually used to inflict punishment. It's a power play. It's used by abusers and narcissists, and people scared to confront in a healthy manner. Wikipedia even said it was used to inflict punishment on prisoners in the 19th century.

An article by Andrea Schneider at good therapy.org said "The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse typically employed by people with narcissistic tendencies. It is designed to (1) place the abuser in a position of control; (2) silence the target’s attempts at assertion; (3) avoid conflict resolution/personal responsibility/compromise; or (4) punish the target for a perceived ego slight. Often, the result of the silent treatment is exactly what the person with narcissism wishes to create: a reaction from the target and a sense of control.

The target, who may possess high emotional intelligence, empathy, conflict-resolution skills, and the ability to compromise, may work diligently to respond to the deafening silence. He or she may frequently reach out to the narcissistic person via email, phone, or text to resolve greatly inflated misunderstandings, and is typically met with continued disdain, contempt, and silence. Essentially, the narcissistic person’s message is one of extreme disapproval to the degree that the silence renders the target so insignificant that he or she is ignored and becomes more or less nonexistent in the eyes of the narcissistic person."

Is that what is going on? Who knows? I'd like to think it is more complicated....that there is a valid reason for it all.  A kinder reason. I hope that is the case.  

I'm in a good place with things now. Life is too short to worry about such things for long and the last few months have reminded me I have a great group of platinum friends who care about me without the need to play games. These friends will put themselves out to be there with me when devastation hits....just as they do in times of celebration. They want to share my life, my sorrows, and my joys. That is friendship. And that is a privilege....never a burden.

I respect the choice of this person to be silent, and will let them have it. I will always be curious about the why, but that is also theirs to keep to themself if they choose. While I have experienced a lot of emotions in this process (truthfully it happened at an emotional time of my life, so that probably made it seem bigger), equilibrium is back. I don't have issues with them (well, except for the fact that they have chosen this path and I have no clue how to treat them when I run into them in the future), and I know it's their issue, not mine. I have responsibility for nothing unless they choose to discuss it with me. And my door will always be open for discussion. I am interested as to what is going on in their head....but unless they choose to tell me, it is their own business. When you care about people, you want to help them. But when they curl up in a ball nurturing their wounds and put a moat around the castle and won't let you get close, you realize you are powerless to help. For your sake, that has to be OK and you must realize it is not your job to fix it. Unless they ask for help. Then you're there.

I don't have the attention span to give someone the silent treatment for long, and truthfully I prefer to face conflicts in a positive manner. This has strengthened that resolve in me. But I share all this with you to ask....are you giving someone the silent treatment? Have periods of that become a habit in your relationships? Maybe you need to think about why, work through it, and have a conversation or two. And if someone is doing it to you and you find yourself obsessing or clambering to find the reason why, move on. Spend your time with those who respect you enough to talk it through.

My Profiling

I don't really understand racism on a certain level. I never have. I hope I never do. I love our colorful world. I think colors and shapes and glitter and movement make each one of us an interesting package that everyone should be eager to unwrap and discover. But even as I say that, I start to question myself. Has racism and prejudice somehow creeped into my life and become a part of me?

I definitely can't deny it exists. I used to try. Well, I didn't totally deny it existed, but I thought people were changing. That we were moving towards equality. Towards a world that celebrates color and differences. But I hear conversations, watch how people assess particular situations, see how race is still mentioned on almost any form you complete (even though many people I know are a racial rainbow that don't fit in the boxes), and I know we're not there yet. Not even close.

I can't deny racism and prejudice has started to impact me....something I thought would never happen. Maybe it's not exactly racism, but more of a prejudice. I find myself profiling people based on looks (which can include skin color, but other things too.)  I notice it in myself mostly when I am traveling. 

I usually blow through TSA at a rapid speed. Often I get pre-check status. (I've meant to go through the process of getting it officially, but have never taken the time. It's on my to-do list.) I love when I see pre-check on my boarding pass and enjoy the quicker run through security. I don't think about the fact that I get that status most often because I don't fit into any negative profiles.....I just figure they like me.

I find I notice others more these days. I look at people at airports differently. It's an odd thing for me, who has always embraced differences and would most often want to sit next to the person who is more exotic than me. Now some corner of my mind stalks out my fellow passengers. Do they look like a terrorist? When we left for Japan, Maggie and I had our picture taken by a woman wearing a hijab. She was a very sweet lady....but I suspect she didn't knock through TSA as quickly as we did. If she did, I suspect she was still eyed by some off our fellow passengers differently. She ended up being on our flight and I ended up watching her a lot. I felt protective of her. I was curious as to who she was and what her story was. Did I fear her? Not at all. But she was a curiousity. (And she had a ton of luggage!)

These days I especially find myself looking at the men who board my flight. Not to see who is most attractive, as I might have in days of old, but to gauge who they are. What do I see in their eyes? Is it kindness, or anger, or even worse.....are they vacant? I make mental notes as to where those who raise my suspicions sit. And I also assess the other passengers....who will help me if issues break out? I know I will not go down without a fight.....but who will be on my team? And what will be my strategy? (Yes, sometimes reading a lot does impact real life. I have a dramatic imagination.)

But so far the flights have all ended up being fine, and probably those I personally profiled are nice folks I would want to know. Still, had they done anything I deemed unusual on the plane, I might over-react should it "seem overly suspicious".

I was taught to always respect law enforcement....and I do. Usually. When I went through the Citizen's Academy at our local police department I was so impressed with most of the officers that I met. I heard the compassionate way they looked at most situations and was happy they chose to do what they do. But sometimes I would see that human side...the cynicism that comes from dealing with real people day in and day out. Not everyone I met was a person I liked or trusted or bonded with instantly. Some seemed very young and immature. Some a bit jaded. Some thoughtless. There were none I really had major issues with....in fact, overall they raised my esteem for who they are and what they do. But you can't help but be reminded they are human....and being trained and wearing a uniform does not make someone a good person with sound judgment. And weeding out the good from the bad....that is a difficult job that I am not sure I could do myself.

I have much sympathy for those in law enforcement. How can they help but form opinions about people? How can they help but do a bit of profiling? If I do it on a plane, how much more would there be a tendency to do it if I had a job that required I deal with true criminals, sometimes the worst specimens of humanity, day in and day out?

There's that fear factor. It has to be on their mind each day. They have a job where they deal with people at their worst. They put themselves in danger every day. They spend a lot of time training for the worst possible scenarios. I'm incredibly grateful they do....I appreciate them being ready to protect us from almost any event that could happen. But doesn't that also impact how a person looks at the world? They are taught that when there is a threat to stop it as soon as possible. How do we keep them safe (and we all should work to keep them safe), but also keep those who are not threats to their lives safe from harm?

When I did the Citizen's Academy we did simulations where we were put in situations where it was simply us and a gun in a place where a life-like video played out all around us. The very first simulation, I was shot. I hesitated. I didn't assess the situation correctly. It would have been difficult to do so.....there were layers that required your discernment and action. It moved so quickly. A lot was out of my control. I wasn't confident. While I did better in future simulations, there were others where I could have easily killed an innocent person. It wasn't easy. It was a bit frightening....and I knew it was all pretend. I wish you all had the opportunity to go through these. I think you may have a different view of the real life of law enforcement.

I don't know all the answers. The hate has to stop. We need to find a way to break beyond the fear. We need to protect the innocent....both police and public. We need to become one. A country bound together. Races and genders and religions and occupations and ideologies. Determined to stop the hate speak and the hysteria in all areas of our lives. Like many others I am sickened by the thought of what lies ahead for our country. But this I know....I can make it better. So can you. We can be the calm and rational voices that help our country work through this. Focusing on the future. On the good things that can happen. And fighting for justice and mercy. For all. Not just for those that happen to be like us. 

The Helpers

I keep hearing people refer to that Mr. Rogers quote lately. You've probably heard it, too.

"My mother would say to me, 'Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.' To this day, especially in times of disaster, I remember my mother's words, and I am always comforted by realizing that there are still so many helpers — so many caring people in this world."

2016 has been a tough year. Possibly the toughest year I have ever had on many levels. I can handle tough. God's given me some good gifts and prepared me well. Often from giving me a front row seat watching people fight (and often slay) unbelievable dragons.  I'm pretty strong and self-sufficient Truthfully it hasn't come naturally or easily and there are still many areas in which I lack. Over time I've learned to deal with life head on, though. As I am, with both the strengths and weaknesses. In time that makes you more powerful...though you do bump your head and get a few stunning concussions in the process. But one thing I have learned (after quite a bit of muddling).....it's OK to need the helpers.

The sweetness with which friends and family have been there for me this year has overwhelmed me at times. I have become so strongly aware of what a great tribe I have created over the years. The messages, the texts, the phone calls, the hugs. People interrupted time with others to reach out and see if I needed them. One friend texted almost daily for a period of time just to make sure all was well. Each text was a precious gift, appreciated for the loving heart and supportive friend behind it. I received beautiful flowers that made me smile and reminded me not only of the beauty and fragility of life, but they were a constant reminder that these people who sent them were there if I needed them. 

As an introvert (yes, I really am!) I tend to hole up a bit when times are tough, or only hang out around my family and a very few friends, whose presence is low key and soothing and easy for me to be around and who don't expect anything from me I can't easily give. Some friends knew that I was hibernating and let me be...a few others knew and when they thought it was needed made me engage anyway. They forced me out to lunch or dinner or to a community event. They'd respect the answer no, when I just couldn't, but encouraged yes. In the end, it all seemed to balance to give me what I needed.

When I was around some people, there were some fumbles. Some people said the wrong thing at the wrong time. Some gave me things to worry about that I hadn't even thought about. Some were just too....there. When I needed calm, they added chaos. But whatever their mis-step....I loved their hearts for trying.

There were those few people who hurt me. Some with words (because they, too, were hurting.) Some because of their lack of words. I understood some, and was exasperated by others. All are forgiven.  Though keep in mind that forgiveness is an ongoing process sometimes, for those of us who are human. We're imperfect, we mortals. But I can say I do wish the best for these folks...most of the time. I'm getting close to "all of the time". That's when I will have come to a place of full forgiveness, I think. Purely dependent on my actions and decisions, not on theirs. Truth is, these folks were such the minority that it is just another reason to be grateful.

This past week I had "one of those days". The most difficult issue was finding myself at my office in Winston without my purse....and with about 60 miles to go before my car hit empty. It was a vulnerable feeling. I was supposed to go to Victory Junction that night to help crew so we could give tethered balloon rides for kids with cerebral palsy. When I mentioned my dilemma on Facebook (living alone it has become my roommate), it was all taken care of in minutes. More than one friend offered to help. My friend Denise "won".....I appreciate her and her constant kindness. She provided dinner and gas money and directions to the 24-hour gas station,

One of my friends was talking about it last night and said "It almost made me want to post something similar and see if anyone would be there for me." Yes, they would. I'd be first in line, but there would be others there fighting me. She has created a village of caring people around her and that's what we do. I think most of you would find the same.

We can choose to live on this earth and try to do it all on our own, but I think that leads to a lonely and sad existence. The alternative is to celebrate the fact that we don't have to. Much of our purpose is to care for each other. We are probably wired to be either givers or receivers in unequal proportion. One thing that I have learned the past few years is that I don't always, shouldn't always, have to be the giver. Sometimes it is time to receive. If you're not used to it, it is uncomfortable at first. It's also uncomfortable if you're not used to giving. But when you allow either to happen, especially when it is difficult for you, you see God at work. You see others allowed to fulfill their purpose. You create bonds that are akin to steel and it's like arms interlocked against whatever evil force lies ahead.

Look around you. Find the helpers. Don't be afraid to tell them your needs. If they can't help, ask someone else. You'll find someone at the right time....or find within yourself what you need to solve your problem. God provides.

But also look for those times you are meant to help. Sometimes it requires you to open your eyes wider, not look away, or focus a bit more intently. Helpers look for people who need what they have to offer....and if they don't have what is needed in a particular situation, they don't dessert them until they help them find a solution. Sometimes the best help you can offer is to help find other helpers (I think that is my particular gift.)

I love helpers. I follow them around and try to get them to allow me to join them. It shouldn't be a surprise when I see them in action for me. But it usually is. The sweetest kind of surprise.  We are going to encounter hard times in this world. The helpers will make it better,