Are You Ready For Christmas?

"Are you ready for Christmas?" Stop asking that question! For me, who hates shopping and particularly hates gift shopping, it's simply a catalyst to extra stress and pressure. It's an easy conversation starter, granted, and I am sure that I have been known to say it at times myself (being a bit of an idiot in the small talk department and eager to latch onto any cliché I can come up with), but if I hear it one more time this year I just may go a bit nuts.

No, I am not ready. Truth be told, I've been lying in bed reading since about 7:30. Yes, there are things I should be doing, but the thought stresses me out, so I just retreat. I have groceries to buy (and since I don't make a list and plan well, I will probably forget at least one key ingredient.) I have presents to buy....for MY PARENTS, for example!!!!! They are horrible to buy for. They buy what they want, and are constantly in downsizing mode. They don't like gift cards, they don't give hints, and dad especially would prefer not to have things to open. I sometimes just don't give them anything....that sounds bad, doesn't it? For Dad, especially, that is fine, and Mom too really, but why do I still feel stressed when I can't come up with a good idea?

I've got friends who are amazing gift-givers....and on one hand I don't feel the need to compete with them (because they are exceptional people and I am hopeless and I know will love me anyway, even if I arrive empty-handed), but I do want to honor them with something special. They are worth it. But chances are, no...they won't get gifts or if they are they won't be great. Or they won't be on time. I surrender. I will never be the coolest gift-giving friend. (Unless you are a kid, and then I have a chance.)

Thankfully some of the stores I bought from offered free gift wrapping this year, so there aren't a lot of gifts to wrap, but those that are will throw me in a last minute tizzy as I get ready to run out the door on Christmas day. Scissors, tape, paper, tags, bags, tissue paper, and ribbon....will I have all I need? Probably not.

I have baked nothing so far this year (so don't expect the gift of baked goods) and the caramel cake I said I would make for our family Christmas? Of course I have never made it before. Yes, they say you shouldn't do that, but when would I test recipes if not for using family and friends as guinea pigs? They come out OK on occasion. And there will be plenty of other food! The salad I am making? That will be OK, if I make the aforementioned trip to the grocery store and actually buy the fixings. But have I put any thought into what will go into it? Nooooo!

And then there is half of a day of work tomorrow, a Christmas Eve service to attend, and a trip to Greensboro to participate in a 20+ year tradition of Christmas caroling at the hospital. So how many hours until Christmas?

Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we fill our plate to overwhelming?

I am not in a total frenzy.....at least externally. When the stress gets up there, I retreat, so right now I appear calm. Thankfully I was born into a family influenced by my grandmother Lois McKinney, who never seemed riled by anything like this. She knew most things were not worth getting worked up over. I've got a touch of her in me, along with my grandsha on my mom's side who was also calm in a storm, but a bit of discontent and high expectations from the other two grandparents. My mother was the "get it all done" type, and my dad, well, he just doesn't seem to notice it is a day different than other days. As for me, the nature is at war in times like these.

When I analyze it, these things that stress me out are not what I consider to be important about Christmas, or important to my relationships. I need to release myself from that stress. The real reason for Christmas is not about a box or about meeting an impossible standard. The real reason for Christmas was to release us from that pressure. We can't be good enough. We can't do it all.

"For unto you is born a Savior."

We are the reason for the season. We are the reason the Christmas gift, the Christ child, was given. If there was no one else in the world, the gift would have still been given for you. Because you are that important to God. If we are willing to receive the gift, we are ready for Christmas. That is all it takes to celebrate in the manner it was intended.

Relax, and enjoy. It is a time we should feel most loved and at peace. Not because of how we are treated by others, but because of who we are before God. Am I ready for Christmas? Why yes, I am. Bring it on! Emmanuel. God is with us. Come, let us adore him.

Holiday in ALL CAPS

I had a conversation with my dad and a couple of my uncles the other day where I mentioned that if you typed in all caps, it was considered shouting. This was news to them, and I don't think they buy it. One of my uncles said "If you send me an email in all caps, I would think that you were helping me out and making it easier to read."

I have seen some folks online on message boards berating someone for "shouting at everyone" only to find out that the person was handicapped and used all caps because it was easier for them to type that way. Made me think to myself "Be careful of what you get on your high horse about."

We think everyone is like us. If Christmases past hold good memories for us, we think Christmas holds good memories for all. If we look forward to the day, we think everyone looks forward to the day. If we are excited about the gifts we buy and are having a blast shopping for them, we think everyone has the same feeling.

Truth is, we're quite insensitive and self-absorbed.

So here is a list of things that some folks I know are dealing with this Christmas....

🎁 Some folks have lost loved ones this year to death and are dreading their first holiday without them. Some lost them years ago, but still have not gotten over the pain of having them gone at holidays.

🎁 Some have had their holidays disrupted by divorce, and miss having their spouse (even if they didn't like them much). They are having to share their kids for the holidays in a way they never planned. The kids? They may feel guilt they don't speak, especially when the parent makes it more difficult for them.

🎁 Some people have been diagnosed with a nasty disease and are wondering if perhaps this will be their last Christmas on earth with their loved ones. Their families are wondering if it will be the last one they will celebrate with them and their hearts are breaking.

🎁 Some folks are out of a job and uncertain what they will do if one does not show itself on the horizon.

🎁 Some people don't have a loving family and are facing the tension of spending even a few hours with folks related to them by blood, who they feel obligated to spend time with, but who always make them feel miserable. Their day will be spent dodging insults, avoiding cruel criticism, and trying to not retaliate when they feel like they are going over the edge.

🎁 Some folks are already in debt higher than they ever thought possible, but they have kids who expect the same Christmas presents as their friends get from Santa. They're worried about things like whether their power will be on come Christmas morning or whether they will have money for groceries. 

🎁 Some are buying gifts for unappreciative people, knowing that whatever they buy, it will not be "right."

🎁 Some have told people they really don't want gifts, but are bought gifts anyway. They struggle being gracious receiving things they don't need, or want, that are bought out of an obligation and has nothing to do with them.

🎁 Some folks are alone, or just feeling alone even if they are in a crowd.

🎁 Some people have needs they will not speak. They keep them to themselves, and are miserable because they are not being met. (If this is you, tell people!)

🎁 Some people don't see gift giving as you do. Some want practical gifts, while you want the impractical. Some want impractical luxury, while you have always given what they need. Some want gifts, but you say "I don't do gifts." Some say "I don't want gifts" but don't mean it. others really do. For some the only gift they want is your time and attention. Truth is, if you love someone, you probably should try to do what works for them. But then again, if you have expectations, give them the gift of giving those up. Meet people where they are. What they can do now. They may be paralyzed with fear underneath that "I don't care" veneer. Maybe you need to give yourself the perfect gift and remove the pressure from them. Maybe you need to get over your gift obsession and celebrate other things. Wherever you are, maybe the best gift you can give everyone is to change your mindset.

🎁 Some people don't celebrate Christmas. Their religion may be different, or it could be something else. Truth is, it is celebrating Christmas is not mandatory. Even for Christians. 

I hope Christmas Day, however you spend it, finds you in a lovely place of peace, love and contentment. If you're not there, I pray that you will make your needs known, to those who care about you or even to a stranger. Locking it inside changes nothing and makes you miserable. But is it a need or a want? Are you expecting others to make you happy or are you looking for ways to be joyful in your day in spite of all? And for those of you who have nothing but love for the season, don't be so self-absorbed you don't see those around you in pain.

When people shout "MERRY CHRISTMAS!" or "HAPPY HOLIDAYS!", may it not sound like a loud and angry shouting to your ears, but instead like the balm of someone who is trying to make it easier for you to celebrate life. I wish you joy that comes from deep in your soul, and has nothing to do with circumstances or other people, every single day of the year.

Don't End The Story Too Soon

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare

I was in my twenties. Poor. Not poor like many in their twenties today.... living independently on my paltry salary and poor enough that I would get my paycheck and would have about $15 for incidentals after bills were paid. That needed to last two weeks. Most of my friends were just as poor as me....we bonded over free and cheap food and entertainment. It was one of the best times of my life. We lived in crappy apartments or houses, with one or more roommates, and would pass possessions around as we each had need of them. We'd go through each other's Goodwill bags. The 80s version of communal living. Some of my very best friends came into my life during that time. It was an important time of life for me. I think many parents today do a disservice to their kids when they try to protect them and don't allow them to experience those years. There are a lot of lessons to be learned when you "have not"...and a lot of character to build along the way.

I had a friend who needed money. $300. A fortune to me. Because of many hours of working overtime, I had built up an amount in my bank account just over that (maybe $325!) I didn't hand it over quickly. It was precious and the first time I had a bit of a nest egg. But she said no one else would lend her the money. I had already determined I wanted to be generous in my life, so I did it. I lent her the money. I never asked what it was for. I believed her when she said the money would be paid back in two weeks.

You may know what's coming. Two weeks came and she didn't have the money. I don't think I said anything at all. I just waited. Time continued to go by. No word. Occasional promises to repay, but they were never met. No plan was ever formulated for getting it back to me. No dollar a week, until it was done. She continued to live quite well. Better than me, in fact. Her own apartment (while I had to have a roommate to make ends meet), beautiful clothes. Yet I still considered her a friend. And I still thought she would pay me back.

When I began to realize the payment didn't seem to be forthcoming, it really wasn't the money that bothered me. It was how I didn't seem to matter to her. I still was struggling. I had a car that was forever breaking down. It broke down once again and I needed the money to pay for repairs. I finally went to her and asked for it. The first time I had done it directly. She said she didn't have it. She had just put down a down payment for a house. She didn't seem to see a problem with that. It was what finally broke my heart and made me walk away. Had she continued to pursue the friendship, I am sure I would have relented. But she didn't....and finally I didn't. I realized she was out of my life. Or maybe I realized I was out of hers.

I admit I was bitter for a while. Not for a long while, but long enough to realize I didn't like feeling that way. I finally had a heart to heart with God. Yeah, I needed to change. While I didn't think that meant going back and trying to re-kindle the friendship, I had to give up the bitterness. And the mental hold on the money. I learned to replace the negative feelings with praying for her good when she came to mind. That helped. I also remembered that I really own nothing. I am lent it by God. Yes, I earned my way by working....but still, it can all be gone tomorrow. It won't mean anything on the other side of heaven...though I can enjoy it today as a good gift. So I had to accept the money as gone and move on with a joyful heart. Usually I was successful.

I learned a lot about being a good steward of my money going forward. To give generously, but judiciously. Not to lend money to people with money problems (if you can't handle what you have, more will usually not help.) Not to lend money when the person had no direct plan to pay it back, a strong worth ethic, or a history of financial responsibility. Not to lend money I couldn't afford to never see again. Not to lend money with the expectation that those who borrow it will pay it back. Not to lend money to people who I want in my life in the future.

But wait, there's more....fast forward to today. I seldom use my laptop, since my iPad is so easy to use, but I had it out and noticed some Facebook messages I had never seen before. Evidently there is a separate box apart from my Inbox. Evidently messages from people who are not your Facebook friends go there. Evidently you don't see this box on your iPad. There was a message from this former friend from last October. She said she lost touch and over time forgot my last name. She saw something about the balloon festival in Statesville and the reporter's last name was McKinney (not sure who that was...but interesting. Especially since I had nothing to do with ballooning when I knew her.) She said the name clicked. She found my Facebook account and sent this message. She wanted to pay back the $300. She asked for my address.

Yes, it was a shock. A good one. Will I get it back? I hope so. It's not the money that matters the most to me....it's the fact that she really didn't forget. That she has made some effort to do it. That it stayed in some part of her brain for over 20 years and on some level she cares about it all.

The old quote from Hamlet says "neither a borrower or a lender be" and I think there is some wisdom in that. I think instead we should be givers. Scripture tells us to give hilariously....and I think I have mentioned in a past blog that I love that concept. We should give until we're so overcome with laughter at our own outrageousness that we are gasping to breathe. But you know, even then I think we need to engage our mind. At least some of us do....those who are capable or led that way. Perhaps others should give just as they feel, but that has never seemed right for me. I think we need to plant in good soil. Pay attention to where the seed is going. We need to give certain people a hand up. But I think part of giving hilariously is not to be so concerned about what happens with it when it leaves our hand. To sometimes throw it in the air with abandon and see where it falls. There are lessons to be learned from watching the results, certainly. I have made bad decisions in the past and learned from them. But we can't get too hung up on making these mistakes....we learn and carry on. And regardless, we don't let bitterness in. It's only money....much less valuable than peace of mind.

But there is one more thing. The most important point here, I think. Don't end a story before its time. It may not be over yet. When we think we have it all figured out, God surprises us. I thought my friend didn't care to remember, but somewhere deep in her heart she did. It's difficult to track someone down after 20 years to pay an old debt. But she has. She showed me by her message that she remembered some if the good parts of our friendship...that she still had the memories. I'm glad. I don't ever expect my friends to be perfect, but when I see them doing the right thing? I can't help but be proud. Regardless of how long it takes. My heart is touched....and I am glad my version of the story wasn't entirely correct. This version makes me smile....and cry.

Paying Backward

"The man who never has money enough to pay his debts has too much of something else.” -James Lendall Basford

“Many delight more in giving of presents than in paying their debts.” -Sir Philip Sidney

"Your children will become what you are, so be what you want them to be." - David Bly

“He looks the whole world in the face for he owes not any man.” -Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

There was a guy that lived in the apartment complex that my parents own and that my sister manages. He moved out, owing quite a bit of rent money. Not an uncommon thing in today's world, unfortunately. My sister has seen this happen time and time again, and you become a bit cynical about people after a while. You never see them again, or the money they owe you. They don't look back. They don't see the impact they make on those who do not get the money they are due. They don't realize that businesses go under every day because of people like them. They don't see the other people they leave in their wake, struggling to pay their bills and feed their children. They don't see the senior citizens who have to cut back because funds are tight. They don't see the cynicism they breed in this world, because of what they do. Or maybe they do see it all, and figure misery loves company. Maybe they don't care. But most likely they just keep the blinders on because ignorance is bliss.

But this story is a bit different. This man is different. Years later he gave my sister a call. He wanted to make sure he knew exactly what he owed. He then came back, his sons in tow, and paid it all back. He made good on his commitment.

At the time he originally left, this guy's life was spinning out of control a bit. His girlfriend was pregnant, and he wasn't sure he was ready for that. He wasn't sure he was ready for responsibility of adulthood. He tried to leave it behind. But at some point he decided that was not the kind of man he wanted to be. He became a husband and a father. He decided that he was going to try to be the best he could at both. He wanted to raise sons who were responsible, so he knew he had to show them responsibility. Part of that was righting his wrongs. He made a plan to do that. He told my sister she was the last person he had to pay back. I believe she said it was ten years after he had moved out. He didn't pay the money back either in secret or in a big display of "how great I am" fanfare. He did it humbly, quietly, in person, facing his past head on. And he did it in front of his sons.

We've gotten things jumbled up in our world today. We're spinners. The story most people believe is thought to be truth. Perception is everything. We don't want to scratch below the surface and find out that the hunk of gold we possess is actually a rock covered by cheap gold paint. We just cart it around and shout "Hey, look what I've got!" As long as people believe it is gold, it is gold. They'll write stories about it in the paper, more evidence of its truth. We not only fool others, we often convince ourselves. We believe in the facade, instead of the truth that lies beneath.

Forgiveness has also become skewed. We think that because we are forgiven, there is no more responsibility. Example bankruptcy. Our courts say you can wipe out your debt, and go on. In theory it makes sense. People get overwhelmed. They get further and further into debt because they become hopeless. The goal of bankruptcy was to free them from the constant call of their debtors, take the burden and stress off of them, and allow them to begin again. Supposedly with a new attitude of financial responsibility.

But how many people really reformed after a bankruptcy and how many of their debtors suffered in the process? How have their debts impacted our world as a whole? What is the domino effect? How many other individuals suffered to make life easier for this one individual? How often was it appreciated? How often did the person erase the debt in their own mind, with no thought of ever paying it back? Since the court said they didn't have to pay it back, it no longer existed.

We're in a season right now where many people expect to create debt. They almost celebrate it. "Yes, we'll be paying for this for years, but we're worth it." "How could we not give our precious children as much as their friends? They deserve it!" "Everyone goes into debt! It's part of Christmas!"

Oh, how I love Christmas glitz! I love the lights, love the decorations, love Santa, love the faces of children as they experience the magic, love the family pictures and the Christmas letters (really, I do!) But Christmas isn't about the glitz. It's all about the gift, the baby. It's about new beginnings. It's about forgiveness. It's about second chances, or third, or hundreds. It's about us, just as we are, loved and worth sacrifice. It's about freedom. But freedom that leads us to truth, not to further carnage.

That dad would have been loved and respected by his kids whether he paid his debts or not. Kids grade on a curve. He could have hidden everything from them, said the money side of things had nothing to do with them. He could have forgotten that part of his life and moved on, vowing to not make the same mistakes. But he knew on some level his kids would sense the inconsistency. He didn't want to teach them that. He wanted a be a good dad. He wanted to be a good man. He wanted to be someone trustworthy in all things.

I'd like to issue a Christmas challenge. Be like this guy. Be different. Be responsible. Be humble. Be thoughtful. The greatest gift you can give your children, the greatest gift you can give anyone, is to be authentic. To live truth. To do what you say you're going to do. To pay what you owe. To live within your means. To treat others well. To make a plan and fulfill your responsibilities, however long it takes. That's what is going to make a true impact. Be the gift . Make a merry Christmas with what you've got today, not borrowing from the future. It is enough. You are enough. Really....it's not about the money. Unless it is other people's money that you are holding onto......or let slip from your hands. Shock a few people. Instead of paying forward, maybe you first need to pay backward. The story of Christmas? That baby was born in a manger to take you out of bondage. Tell the story in how you live.