Our Loss

Yesterday we lost the life of my great nephew Kaelan, my niece Sara's boy, my sister Dana's grandson, to suicide. That is how he died, but I hope no one sees him as just another statistic. That doesn't tell the whole story. There are always so many layers. He is so much more than how his life ended. His story ended tragically, but he was full of life. That life is what we will choose to remember.

He was 17. Incredibly bright. A lover of animals, especially reptiles. I know.....who loves reptiles? To me it was crazy. His mom Sara told a story today about how their former neighbor called Animal Control and reported them saying they had an alligator on the premises. It was his pet iguana, that he would take on walks on a leash.

While I can't say he made me love reptiles, he made me consider them as possibly less than vile. And some....I had to agree...were actually amazing when I looked and saw them through his eyes. He knew so much about them. Had so much compassion for them. He'd show me pictures and say "Aunt Kim, look at this one. I think you'll like it." Sometimes I did. I expect In the future I will be even more open to them. I have one friend who I remember when I see butterflies. I'll think of Kaelan when I see lizards and snakes and other such creatures.

He was artistic. Such a beautiful and talented artist. He was a free spirit. He was passionate and opinionated and stubborn. I didn't always agree with him, but I do love people who speak their mind. I expected as he matured, his opinions would have more layers and he would change his mind about a few things. Most of us do.

He was a skateboarder who drove me crazy when I heard about some of his antics. I'd lecture him on occasion (I have a tendency to do that) and he would give me a look of amused tolerance. We both knew nothing was changing.

He was a hard and good worker, something not seen in teenagers often these days, who once thanked me for "letting him" and his stepdad Brian spend most of their day mulching my yard. He was loving and sweet and kind to me. Always. And a great companion. I have wonderful memories of our Tosco Music Party dates, where we would laugh and sing and on the way home talk enthusiastically about our favorites.

He was loved. So very loved. By so many people. His loss is proof that love is not always enough to save someone. Suicides don't occur because of a shortage of love or because the person doesn't know they were loved. I am absolutely certain that was something he never doubted.

I've been numb since I heard. It still doesn't seem real. I wonder if it ever really will. But yet our whole world has changed. Oh, I know we will live and laugh. We will celebrate the 17 years we knew him and be grateful we have so many beautiful memories to overshadow the bad. We will also mourn. What he could have been, should have been. Every day ahead will be different than it would have been if he was still in this world.

I know God knew his pain. I know God knows our pain and the many conflicted feelings that course through our veins as we try to get through this time. I don't know how to do this. Don't know how to act. Don't know how to react. It's one of those times you let God carry you through, borrowing on his strength to cover your weakness....but not even feeling you are doing that very well. You feel paralyzed. And distracted. And like the world is a little off kilter. This shouldn't be happening. 

You may not have known him, but I would be happy to tell you more. I pray that you will know others like him and won't just walk by them. I pray that you will join me and we will find a way to really help them. To remind them of their purpose, instead of letting them feel helpless. To encourage them to live, really live, instead of even for a moment wanting to die.

Oh.....our Kaelan could have changed the world. He had it all. Everything he needed to be successful. Everything he needed to be happy beyond measure. He couldn't see it himself. Didn't think he had what it would take to endure. What could have helped him? What could have changed this outcome? I have no clue. The last years I couldn't figure out a way to help, to support, and not enable. Because of this, in the end I most often stayed away.  I felt like I would just nag and needle and make it all worse. Was that right or wrong? There is no way to know. I know he knew I was there, adoring him, but I missed him. I think he knew that, too.

My heart breaks for all of us who love him. That love is still living and active. It will be as long as we live. He is a part of who we all are. It's a beautiful thing, even though now tinged with so much sadness. That kind-hearted boy would not want us to feel pain, but as we couldn't prevent that in him, he can't prevent that in us. To never get another big hug from those long gangly arms, it seems impossible. He was the first member of a new generation for our family...so much hope and promise. It's wrong that he will not be here long after we're gone.

Knowing him, loving him, losing him....it changed me. It changed a lot of us. We will mourn his death, but even more we will find ways to celebrate his life. Kaelan Avery Privette, you mattered so much and you will never be forgotten. We will live life a bit more fully, since you cannot. And we will spread the love you leave behind all around the world.

More Than A Pretty Face

I used to work with a guy named Tony who was of Chinese descent. He looked it. But he was a "normal" American boy, born and raised in Alabama. Really had little connection to his Chinese roots. In fact, when he finally went to China as a grown man be walked around in fear that people would expect him to speak or read Chinese. He couldn't. Not one lick.

One of my favorite Tony stories had him standing at the front of a line at an ATM. I guess I better clarify that this was in the U.S. He was a bit impatient, so tapped on the machine a few times with his fist in frustration. Sort of like hitting the elevator button again and again, even though you know it won't arrive any faster. A little old lady tapped him on the shoulder and said to him slowly and carefully, enunciating every word,  "There's. No. Body. In. There." He was taken a bit by surprise by it, but said he just smiled at her and bowed, grabbed his money and left. He's a kind fella. He waited until he was out of her view before he started laughing uncontrollably. When he told me the story, we laughed so hard we cried.

I'm always amused when people tell me they are good with first impressions. I used to think that I was, until I realized that not many of us really are. Often those who think they are just make quick judgments and won't change them. (Yeah, I know that's not you. You really get it right every time.) They prefer to keep that initial judgment, regardless of the person's behavior as they get to know them. Well, if they get to know them. Usually they just accept the facade.

I had a friend in college who we used to describe as "a nice guy.....until you get to know him." The initial impression be gave off was wonderful, but later you became a bit disappointed when you found he could be selfish and uncaring to his "friends".

I met another guy in college that I couldn't stand at first sight. I found him arrogant. He was, at times. Sometimes he had reason to be....he was brilliant and talented and accomplished. But once I got to know him, he turned out to be a sweetheart of a friend....fun, loyal, and truthful. Even in situations when everyone else would sugarcoat things beyond comprehension or simply tell me I was right, when I clearly wasn't, he never would. He would let me know. Lovingly. Without judgment or change in our relationship.

People are complicated. We are usually so much more than our veneer.  I'm not against intuition, not really even against forming initial impressions about someone based on how they look. Sometimes they are sending a message. Sometimes people do live up to stereotypes. 

There are habits and behaviors that do things to your body that you can't hide. Alcoholics, meth addicts, people with a perpetual frown...sometimes the looks tell their story. But there are also people who naturally have that same kind of look, that haven't engaged in those habits or behaviors. Someone may not necessarily be the person they look like they are. They may not be anything like the stereotype they represent.

Sometimes I bond quickly with people. It could be for a number of reasons. Sometimes I feel chemistry immediately. Sometimes their sense of humor is the same as mine and they make a quip, or acknowledge one of mine, and an instant attachment forms. Sometimes we share an experience that bonds us. Other times we have so much in common, we just feel like we have been friends forever without knowing the other ever existed. 

Other times, though, I've just misinterpreted things. I think a bond is there, but find it is a mirage. Or as I'm around them more often I find they are not who they originally portrayed themselves to be. Or all of a sudden I realize that things about them just aren't ringing true. I watch and realize who they really are, or just give up because there is so much question. Other times I realize I thought they had become a BFF (Best Friend Forever), but to them I was a a TAD (Temporarily Amusing Diversion.)  

Even knowing that I am bad with first impressions, it never ceases to surprise me when I find it has happened again. My first instinct had always been to beat myself up. Now I'm learning that perhaps I am not a fool, but simply fooled. And that's on them....not on me. I went into the relationship with pure intent. Perhaps, for many different reasons, they did not.

But my misinterpretations can also be a delight. I have a theory that if there is someone who really annoys me, I had better just surrender to the fact that God will keep them in my path until I get over it. Normally over time I learn to appreciate the good. Usually there is good there. Sometimes even a jewel. 

But I also have learned that everyone isn't designed to be a close part of my life. It's OK that they are not my personal preference. I can decide that certain people aren't my cup of tea....at least not for now. Sometimes they are right for a future season, or belong in the past. If they come back into my life later and I see them or appreciate them differently, I am reminded of the joys of allowing people and times to change....be it them or me.

I think it's a gift to know I'm not good with first impressions. I continue to look at people and assess who they are. I collect information and don't allow them to become an unchanging picture, but instead look to see more of their dimension, look to see how they evolve. I look to see how they treat me and others as time goes on. Yes, often I am right in my initial impression. But not always. It's a pretty cool thing to study in life. Who is as they appear, and who is fooling most of whom they come in contact with? Keep your eyes, keep all your senses, open. 

Sure, you can decide you always know who a person is the first time you meet them, but you may be like that lady at the ATM machine and think you're right, but be very, very wrong. She still thinks Tony is this rather misinformed Chinese guy who doesn't speak English, while as he told me, he actually is an Alabama redneck (who I happen to know is smart as a whip).

Sunshine Amidst the Fog

So I got a verbal HIPPA release from my dad and so I can publicly say this week he had his chest carved by an amazing surgeon (Dr. Edward Kincaid, Wake Forest Baptist Health). Open heart surgery. Dad had his aortic valve replaced. We McKinneys don't mess around. If we're getting a new valve, we go for the big one! 

My mind has been troubled and tired and emotional and frustrated in the last couple of weeks. We thought surgery was going to be Friday, then were told it was Monday, then a heart transplant needed to be done for another patient, and so it was put off until Wednesday. Dad was in the "get it done" mode, as were the rest of us. But I was dreading it at the same time. It's seemed like being in constant fog.....and quite frankly, nothing else seemed to matter much.

But in the midst of the fog, you can see the sun. There is much I am grateful for:

~ My parents. For their strength and how they built our family. They have always been there for us, and taught us how to be there for others. And each other. The raised us all to be independent and have never been the type of parents who made a lot of demands on their adult children. But as they care for us, we will care for them.

~ My siblings.....for the way we care together. We did learn something over the years, after all the squabbling of our youth was over. Actually, even when it was going on. We were raised to share. In chores, in stuff, in responsibility. I see so many families who fall apart when hard times hit, or who abdicate their own responsibility of caring for their families in hard times with the flimsiest of excuses, but my siblings share the load. Like all partnerships, the load is seldom really equal...but our goal is to try to make it so. Some of this happens because we have vowed it will be the case. And if butt kicking is required, we are all quite accomplished at it and will gang up on whoever needs it.

~ My aunts and uncles....for their consistency and modeling and humor, no matter what is happening. My dad was one of ten children and most of his siblings and their spouses are characters. (I say "most of" for self-protection"....they raised me smart.) Get that crew together and there is always very loud talk and laughter. Yes, that is where I got it. They're a bunch of stoics, especially the McKinney men, but if you need them, they will be there. Two of his brothers and their wives were with us during Dad's surgery. I wondered at one point if families had ever gotten thrown out of the Intensive Care waiting room for loud laughter. I don't think they have.

~ Dr. Kincaid - What a way to use your life! The same week he did my dad's surgery he did two heart transplants, and who knows how many other procedures. He's also a professor at the med school here, so teaching others to follow in his footsteps. This guy....he's our hero. There would have been a time when a valve replacement wouldn't have been available to someone who is 83, but he and my dad make a great team and prove it is worthwhile. I am so happy my dad's docs sent him to this great physician.

~ The staff at Baptist Hospital. Everyone has been nice to us so far. Everyone. And you know I would loudly proclaim if they weren't. I ask tons of questions and am a bit demanding if you are looking after my loved ones. I am a bit squeamish as a nurse, but quite good as a patient advocate. They have my seal of approval. I couldn't ask for more. They even give out their cell numbers, answer them, and come immediately if you need them....just like they promise when they introduce themselves at the start of a shift. I have tested it. I have been known to stalk health care workers at other hospitals before....and would have here had it been necessary. But no.....they tell you they are here if you need them and it has proven to be true. From my healthcare friends I know most are kind-hearted by nature and really want to help sick people, but it is all in those staffing ratios and sometimes they make it impossible. They seem to be reasonable here. Others should learn from them. (And no "Mary Had A Little Lamb". Some of you Statesville folks will understand what I mean and know the peace that it adds to our nights here.)

~ My friends - I didn't talk about this publicly or widely until I knew Dad was OK and until I had his permission. But a few of you knew for various reasons. There were times when a well-timed text or private message made me smile, consoled me, or calmed me. You know who you are. And my co-workers....so many were so wonderfully flexible and covered for me when necessary (and will continue in the next few weeks). Others would have had I needed it. Kindness in action.

~ God - He answered our prayers. The way I wanted. Truthfully, watching how easily Dad seems to be recovering ("easy" being relative. It is and will continue to be a tough recovery, but he is doing incredibly well. Even compared to others far younger than 83), God exceeded what I thought was possible. But one thing I think is important to note. Even had things not been picture perfect, the prayers would still have been answered. God is good. Whether we get our way or not. I do not understand sickness, and suffering, and death. But still I trust God. 

As I sit in my dad's hospital room, watching my mom sitting next to his bedside holding his hand as he sleeps and she dozes, I smile. The fog that has covered the past few weeks is lifting and I can't help but know that even in these less than ideal moments of life, the sun shines. And life, even when difficult or a battle, is good.

My Pleasure

So I was driving home after working in Raleigh for the day. I had attended  a late morning meeting and then another one early afternoon, and I realized I hadn't eaten in a very long time. I stopped by a Chick-Fil-A to get a sandwich. As the teenaged kid handed it to me I thanked him and he gave me the company line "My pleasure."

It made me smile.....a bit cynically because the poor kid looked exhausted from the crazy busy lunch rush and I figured it possibly wasn't really his "pleasure". He'd probably have derived more pleasure from me going somewhere else. But it got me thinking....what a great phrase to focus on and try to infuse into our lives. To make each moment a pleasure. However difficult the moment, however mundane. To find something that we can grab onto and find supreme satisfaction. I realized that with line of thought, and the fact that I liked and embraced the idea, it just may mean I'm a hedonist.

Oh I know...some of you are put off by that word, because it reminds you of the utmost of debaucherry. (It gains the favor of some others. And yes, I know who you are.) But looking up the definition it simply says "the belief that pleasure or happiness is the most important goal in life." (Thanks Merriam-Webster.)

I've written pretty often of my favorite Westminster Catechism question that says "What is the chief end of man?" The answer is "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever." That has already become the core of how I try to live my life (and the reason I bring it up a lot). It falls right in line with this thinking. If you do it right.

There are many Christians for whom pleasure seems to be a foreign concept. Their face houses a sour expression, their attitude one of constant disapproval. Of everyone else, of course. Far be it for them to think disapprovingly of themselves. To think of themselves would be selfish, after all, wouldn't it? No. No, it wouldn't. They could use a bit of introspection.

So much of living our faith requires that we look inward. That we examine ourselves. That we open ourselves to experience life and live it with intention. That we be vulnerable and able to be changed. That we live with hope and not with despair. Because really.....what does despair say we believe about God?

I've been struck lately by the number of people lately who have said to me "I am spiritual, but not religious." We've made "religious" something people don't want to be. I understand why....so many evil acts are being done in the name of religion. But those are not religion. Religion is not a bold "look at me", but instead a quietly powerful "look at God." 

For those of us who are Christians we believe James 1:27 that says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." (NIV) Or in the translation I enjoy because it speaks more as I do, (the Message),"Real religion, the kind that passes muster before God the Father, is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the godless world."

I don't like the side of me that is judge-y....and oh, it comes to me so naturally. I think for most of us it does, whether we express it or not. But as in most things, the ability to be critical can be a big fat weakness....or it can be our greatest strength. I think it is at our strongest when we turn it toward ourselves and study who we are, and who we want to be,. Or look at the negative actions of the people around us and instead of focusing on them, we say to ourselves "I don't choose to be like that." And then we make a plan to be different.

So back to the hedonism.....back to the pleasure. If I am living my moments with intention, I get to look at the situations I encounter and think "How can this be made good?" How do I think differently and act differently and enjoy each moment? I've found it is not when I am in a negative and hopeless state of mind, not when I am focusing on the clock ticking seconds of my life away as I just exist, but instead when I am doing religion. When I am looking out for the orphans, the widows, the homeless, and the loveless....and fighting for justice for those that our world often forgets or who aren't in a position to do it for themselves. When I find purpose....when I purposely breathe in life and breathe out love.

But it's also not all about other people. I think the martyr thing is over-rated and not God's expectation for his people. We're to enjoy this world. Mark 12:30-31 (NIV) says "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength. The second is this: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these.'" 

You don't have to love others better than you love yourself or less than you love yourself...just as you love yourself. There needs to be balance. You get to love and care for you.

Maybe living a life of hedonism is a bit of a stretch....that term may describe living life all about me, where I truly believe in living all about us....or even more precisely, all about celebrating God in us. I can't force others to experience pleasure, and that is not my job. I can force myself to experience it, though. I can be intentional in how I live. I can live in a way that when God says to me "Thank you for serving me", I shout with joy "My pleasure!"

That Bathroom Law

Photo courtesy of Sara Johnson

The NC "bathroom law" has certainly put our state in the national news. The whole thing baffles me a bit. Truthfully, I opposed the Charlotte law to begin with (though in full disclosure I have not read it and I am sure the must have been some situations I am not aware of that precipitated it.) But I simply don't think there was a need for bathroom legislation.

I know I have used bathrooms with transgenders in the past and no one else was any the wiser. They did their thing, behind a closed stall door, and I did mine. If you were there too, and you just may have been, you probably didn't even notice. Nor did you feel unsafe. People used the bathroom they identified with and merrily went on their way. Well, except when there was a line a mile long outside the ladies room because the folks who built the building didn't plan well and take into account the actual differences needed in the size of men's and women's rooms....but that was an age old problem. (Probably due to not enough women or enlightened men in the architecture field, which I think is a better issue to jump on the bandwagon about.) We women had learned we could put a guard at the men's room and share. No men that I knew of ever were anything but supportive of that practice. Often they were our scout and guard. Even some that could be jerks over almost anything, were not jerks about this.

So what I feel was an unnecessary law was then further escalated by the NC law (which I have read), which struck down a community's right to pass such a law. It said no, you must only go into the bathroom marked for your birth certificate gender. Then, as our lawmakers are prone to do, they threw extra issues in there that should have been dealt with separately. There is a reason many of us grow to mistrust politicians. The practice of using the empty men's room when there were 25 people in line for the lady's room.....now it's against the law.

I'm not going to speak on the laws specifically because I think they are just another example of political grandstanding.....of folks getting all riled up about nothing, missing the real issues, and simply creating lots and lots of hate. And this hate is coming from people on both sides of the issue....no one seems to be looking at the issue with true compassion. I see fear on both sides. Real fear. Fear we should care about, and talk through without anger, even if we believe some of that fear is unfounded.

Here's how I see it. I don't understand the mind of a transgender. In today's world I don't get why people don't feel the freedom to act as whatever gender they want and still be completely themselves. From discussions I have had, my view is quite simplistic, and I accept that I have limited knowledge in this area. I haven't studied the issue in depth....mostly because it hasn't impacted me. I don't have any transgender friends that I know of at the moment, though I am not naive enough to think that I would always know. If I do have them, they haven't felt the need to discuss it with me and that is their right and prerogative. They could trust me with the knowledge and I would love them where they are. Someone's gender or private sexuality has never mattered to me in friendships.

The transgenders I have met, or those I have read about or heard speak on TV or radio, have dealt with a lot of inner conflict throughout their lives. From what I do understand, it is not really a sexual issue. Whether they are attracted to the same or opposite sex varies before and after any gender reassignment. It's a hodgepodge. It's incidental to the transgender identity. That's what makes it more complicated.

Those who I have met who are transgender have not been violent people. In fact, they often have an added compassion for others, having felt so beaten down and misunderstood. They have not been people I feel I need to fear, but instead they have been people I often feel the need to protect and whose story I want to better understand. The whole bathroom thing....it's a dilemma to them to decide which one they should use and has evidently been for a long time. That's something I'd never even thought about until I recently heard a radio program in the subject. (On Doctor's Radio....my obsession.) They usually choose the one that makes them feel most safe. Bathroom setups being what they are, I approve.

But let's talk about the arguments against transgenders using whichever bathroom they choose. The argument I keep hearing the most is people feeling the need to,protect their children. Something we all should be concerned about. But are transgenders whom we should most fear? If I were a parent, that would not be my issue. Instead I'd fear anyone who would want to cause harm to my children. 

I keep hearing of the fear of bathroom rapes. First of all, rape is not about sex or gender. Rape is about violence. It is not just a crime that happens between opposite genders. If someone is inclined to create such an act, will a law like this one protect them? They can be in the "proper" restroom and rape someone of the same sex. And outer bathroom doors are typically not locked....would this law deter a rapist, when they are getting ready to break another law that is even more egregious?

And have you read much about sex trafficking lately? It is becoming rampant. Women and men grab both boys and girls. I've seen pictures of those arrested for this. They look like you and me. They can go to the "proper" bathroom and grab your child while you are sitting at your restaurant table, unconcerned for your child because only those people whose gender was the same on their birth certificate as that of your child were able to go in that particular door with them. 

If I were a dad whose 7-year old daughter had to use a public restroom, or a mom with her 7-year old son, I believe I may be a bit more concerned that they were going behind this closed door where anyone could be. I think my fight would be to be wherever my child was at the moment. Having had kids in my care often, I stand outside that bathroom door when I am with young boys and am a bit nervous until I see them come out without incident. I'd actually like to check out who is in there before they step foot in the door. It's a powerless feeling.

I don't think we should need bathroom gender laws. I think we need to treat people well, and be courteous, whoever they happen to be. I'm perfectly fine with how things have been in the past, but am also fine with the concept of unisex bathrooms with stalls and no open urinals. I don't know or care who is in the bathroom stall next to me, unless they invade what for that moment is, and should be, my private space. I'll stand next to anyone at the sink and wash hands, and just be happy they are doing it. 

As for locker rooms, I am not particularly modest but let's tell the truth....aren't many of us a bit weirded out even in the locker rooms of our own gender? I admit to being uncomfortable by the naked stranger engaging me in conversation when my equally naked self has just taken off my bathing suit and I am trying to dry off and get dressed. I can deal with it....I do deal with it....and am even amused by my own reaction to it....but yes, it's still uncomfortable. I'm in favor of more private changing rooms there, too!

I've had some odd experiences traveling....for example being led through a men's locker room in a spa in Istanbul, Turkey as the men got dressed all around me. At the time I was wrapped in something that was on the level of a small linen tablecloth. Another time, in Japan,  we had to walk through the men's room (urinals being used in full sight) to get to the ladies room. I felt uncomfortable in both situations, but never unsafe. I have felt unsafe in ladies rooms before, though.....usually because of a creepy guy (in men's clothing) making inappropriate comments as I walked in the door or a man standing there leering at the women as they walked in. Never due to someone transgender. Well, I say that....how do I know? Maybe they were. But I suspect not and if they were, their being transgender was not the issue. It was just incidental. Creeps are creeps.

We live in a complicated world today where gender and sexuality is a bit more nebulous than it has been in the past. But we can make this all work. Let's rethink it all and come up with ideas that respect and protect people, wherever they may be in life. Whether we understand them or not. Whether we agree with them or not. We're smart. We can do this. We don't need these silly politicians to come up with dumb laws to do it. 

If you're a dad taking your 7-year old daughter to a public restroom and don't want her to go into that bathroom without you, I'll check and see whether the bathroom is free of other women, support you going in and standing outside the stall she is in, and will stand at the bathroom door, and hold the line for the two minutes it takes for you to do so.....no matter what the law says. And I will praise you for really protecting her and for not buying into illusions of safety. And if you are a female transgender and walk into the ladies room with me because you feel safer there, I will not only be OK with it, should you get arrested I will be there to support you. But if you're some crazy man with criminal intent who dresses in women's clothes to gain bathroom access, I'll see that you are arrested. But not because you went into the "wrong" bathroom. That law won't even matter. There are other laws that will protect us from people like you.