Remembering What But Not When

"Those who don't know history are destined to repeat it." - Edmund Burke

"History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools." - Ambrose Bierce 

"All the lessons of history in four sentences: Whom the gods would destroy, they first make mad with power. The mills of God grind slowly, but they grind exceedingly small. The bee fertilizes the flower it robs. When it is dark enough, you can see the stars." - Charles A. Beard
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I have a mental block with dates.  I can't remember any of significance.  This is why I can't remember your birthday without Facebook, my sister Deryn (who seems to have a mental database), or you telling me yourself.  It is not personal if I forget yours....I can't always remember my own!  And Facebook and Deryn aren't 100% reliable about reminding me, so blame them.  Or blame yourself....you need to tell me!  I won't be insulted or think badly of you for wanting others to know...I think we all should celebrate that great day in history.

But anyway, I'm not talking birthdays here.....I am talking about this mental block with dates.  Well, not really the mental block but the fact that I love history, but cannot pinpoint when anything happened.  I do remember that in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.....but that is about it.  It's pretty embarrassing.  Years and time just spin my head and I can't get a handle on them.  I can not only miss dates by decades, but probably centuries.  Yes, it is that bad.

People who love history will generally tell you that the dates are hugely significant.  For me, however, it's all about the stories.  As I think about it, I have had mostly great history teachers and almost every single one of them told me a story that got my attention.  Those stories shaped me, sometimes in ways that I only can detect in retrospect.

I think it began in 7th grade.  Frank Harris was my teacher (thanks for the name recall, friends!) and I remember very clearly the intrigue he created when he told the stories of Rasputin, Nicholas and Alexandra, and their son Alexi.  It was like a serial drama....OK, it really was a serial drama.  There was a royal love story, there was the "is he good or evil?" character Rasputin, there was the long awaited son that was born and found to have hemophilia, there were rumors, there was intrigue.  That was the first time I recall hearing about hemophilia.....and I remember hearing about the things that hemophiliacs endured back then (the leeches, the pain, the limitations on lifestyle.)  I never forgot it.

Many, many years later I was involved in an issue at work that dealt with the care of hemophiliacs.  I know those stories of the past colored my decision making.  In a good way.  Without that tug at my heart from long ago and the knowledge that I had gained from reading more about the disease because I found it fascinating, my passion could have fallen on the side of the most sound business decision.  While I could have made a strong argument for that sound business decision in this instance (and I did, so we could all consider all the angles), ultimately the right decision for my company was not the "best business decision" and not doing what everyone else was doing.  The right decision was to do everything we could to take care of sick people whose health care was better than it had been back in Alexi's day, but still a constant struggle.

Then there was 10th grade.  Joe Holpp was my history teacher.  I loved his subtle humor as he told us stories from the past.  I remember studying about the horrible things going on in the meat packing industry in the early 20th century (don't worry....I checked myself on that date), the subject of the book "The Jungle" by Upton Sinclair.  He let me read parts of the book out loud.  Great stuff for a high schooler who loved grossing people out with the power of words.  The passages about the putrid meat....awesome!  But I got more out of it than that.  Not only did I learn a certain amount of skepticism for corporate America through our study, but it also fueled my opinions about social activism.  Why didn't people do something sooner?  Even if it meant they lost their jobs?  Even if it meant they lost everything?  Where was their compassion for their fellow man?  I understand why they didn't a bit more nowadays....but definitely not completely.  I hope I never do.  I hope I always see the big picture.  I hope I always care enough to speak up.

11th and 12 grade my history teacher was Pat Gainey.  He was the teacher who taught us that culture was a big part of our past.  Theda Bara, "The Vamp"....I know who she is because of him. Ty Cobb "The Georgia Peach"....again I learned of him from Mr. Gainey.  I can still see the picture of William Jennings Bryan walking down the street with the white carnation in his lapel (Mr. Gainey tested us not just on the notes, but gave us picture tests so we could identify these people in a lineup.)

While Mr. Gainey taught us about the politics and the wars, he always included the added dimensions of sports and entertainment.  I believe that those who entertain us tell others a lot about who we are as a people....and hate that today's students probably don't get history taught with quite that slant (though I personally could have done without the baseball history.)  

I love culture.  I am fascinated by subjects like what reality television tells us about our world or why we listen to the music we do or how our family life impacts our decision making.  These things are important parts of the history of a people.  If we discount them, we miss out on important dimensions of why things happen the way they do and what influences people to do the things they do.  Mr. Gainey was ahead of his time, I think.  Those things have now oozed into our world and it is difficult to separate them from the more "serious" matters of our history.  I don't know that we can anymore.  In this world of "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon", we find that life's all inter-connected.  And many people are recording the events from that perspective these days.

Then there was college....the amazing lectures of Dr. James Leutze actually got me to sign up for not just one semester of military history, but two.  Dr. Leutze was one of the most popular professors on campus, and it was for good reason.  He made you care.  He didn't give out dry facts about wars, he didn't paint everything with the colors of the American flag....he told stories of flawed generals and bungled strategy and ulterior motives and fluke victories.  He suggested possible conspiracy theories.  He taught us how things like terrain mattered when you were studying a war.  He taught us how to think strategically, and to weigh all of the elements before you make a decision.  And then showed us why it mattered....using the triumphs and tragedies of war. Great stuff to learn at that time in my life....and I think I have used that training ever since.  On my own personal battlefields.

I can identify very few dates back from history, but I do remember the stories.  I am sure some of what I have been taught is wrong, much of what I remember is flawed, and much of what is passed down from generation to generation is biased.  Still, if these stories make us think, if they make us consider options, if they teach us to consider alternate strategies for the problems of our day, they are of much value. 

As it says in the book of Ecclesiastes "What has been will be again, what has been done will be done again; there is nothing new under the sun."

While knowing a date here and there may add dimension to the history I know, I kind of like the purity of just knowing the stories.  When I apply what I have learned from history to my life, the date changes anyway, and these stories become just another day under the sun.


(Incidentally,  I haven't met my husband because of my great knowledge of baseball history, as Mr. Gainey said I would after my impassioned complaint about having to study it.  While I had it down cold then, my remembrance of that baseball history unit is a bit dim....the batting averages I memorized are now gone by the wayside.  Maybe I should see if I still have my notes.)

What I Learned In Kayaking Class

So I read the description and it was for a Beginning Kayaking class....and it specified flatwater kayaking.  I thought that meant long kayaks, nice and stable.  I thought class would  consist of learning good stroking technique and safety techniques and just all around be a fun time for me (who had kayaked from time to time and felt comfortable I could handle it.)  So I signed up. My friend Joanie was going to go with me, but at the last minute she ended up having to attend a funeral, so I was on my own. Which I figured was OK....I'd be with people who want to kayak for two days.  I'd have a lot in common with them.  Could it be anything but fun?    Yeah ..... in so many ways!

The first non-fun thing to happen, was there was a change of plans in class location.  (Evidently I have a CPCC email address and that's where my email went!  I thought they were just bad communicators.)  We were supposed to start in a classroom, but I started to figure there may be an issue when I found the building, walked into the door and the burglar alarm started going off.  Having set off the alarm at the library quite a few times before, I just ignored it and went on. (That's what my friends at the library always say to do!) I get to the classroom and the door is shut and it is dark.  So, I conclude, maybe I was supposed to go to Latta Plantation. I left the building (burglar alarm still blaring.)

On my way to my car, I run into two guys from India who were also signed up for the class.  They had just registered the day before and had been told that it would start in the classroom.  We head back towards the classroom.  Then the security guard comes, and orders us out of the building so she can turn off the alarm.  One of the guys and I left, not sure what happened to the other guy.....he didn't come out for a long while.  When the security guard came back, she gave him a stern lecture about following orders when she spoke.  He agreed, though I didn't believe him.....10 to 1 in the same situation, I suspect he would go his own way.

Another student shows up, she also had been given the same instructions to meet in the classroom.  We decide we need to be at Latta Plantation.  So off we all head, following her since she said she knew the way.  Turns out she sort of knew the way. We only got lost a couple of times....and in the end it was my GPS that got us there.  But that wasn't all...Latta Plantation is a big place.  Class was not where I would have thought it would be (at the canoeing and kayaking dock.)  Finally someone got hold of a phone number for the instructor and we found out where to go.  We made our way to class.  About an hour and a half late.  But evidently we didn't miss much.

Everyone else is geared up and ready to go to the boats.  One other woman there whispers to me "I'm glad you are here, no one else is from around here."  She was right.  There were three American women,  but the rest of the class were interns, exchange students and au pairs from all around the world.  Besides the guys from India, we had quite a few people from Germany, some from South Africa....not sure where the rest were from.  And everyone was young.  I was oldest by 20 years.

But my aged body wasn't what really scared and intimidated me.  It was the kayaks.  I know whitewater kayaks when I see them.  I spied them right away.  They were going to be our watercraft for the day.  No way!  If you know anything about whitewater kayaks, they are the ones with the skirts that have a tendency to land you upside down.  The skirt is so that when you do turn upside down, water won't get in the kayak as easily. These are not the fun kayaks that you take out for an easy afternoon of paddling (I admit my prejudice here.)

So let me talk a bit about my fears....I know if you have read past blogs the list seems endless.  First of all, I HATE to be upside down.  But secondly, I've developed a fear of water over the past few years.  I haven't been swimming in quite a while, and in the past few years when I have been around water I have found I have a phobia of it (and of snorkeling masks, a related but different issue.)  I become paralyzed,.  While one side of me knows I can swim, I have never been a strong swimmer, and I have never been comfortable around water when there is a large crowd.  Now I have no confidence in my ability to swim and I'm just not comfortable around water at all without a life jacket. And sometimes while in one.  The water thing is another fear that I planned to conquer.  Just not in my beginning kayaking class!

So here is the very first class exercise.....turn the kayak upside down and get out.  Yes, in the water. Deep water.  OK, not really deep water, but deep enough to flip your kayak.  Flip it on purpose. That's upside down. Two of my major fears combined into one.  Turning over in a boat in the water, then having to get out of it when my hips were not so comfy going in.  By the way, being upside down in water is why I have never wanted to whitewater kayak.  (Well, besides the whitewater bashing that little kayak and me into oblivion.  Though to really be honest, I don't really care that much about the demise of the kayak.) 

Thankfully Jonathan was laid back.  We didn't have to do anything in his class we didn't want to do.  I could not do it at all.  But ....I had to try.  It was a big fear.  Another thing to conquer and this was an opportunity.  As I put myself out there to try, I kept telling him "You need to know this scares me.  This is one of my biggest fears."  I wanted him paying attention.  Not sure if he really listened to me as intently as I would have liked and that he really, really understood how big this was for me, but he was there, and he was encouraging, and he helped me try a few things to get over the fear until I could do it myself.  And I did.  And I survived.  Not comfortable with it really (though Jonathan noted I seemed way more calm when I did it than when I was thinking about it),  but it was OK.  (Tip from our instructor Jonathan- After your turn over, kiss the kayak, then take it off like you are taking off a pair of pants.)  My goal for the rest of the class....not to tip upside down and use my new skill.  I like kayaks, but was not ready to kiss them on an ongoing basis.  I'm just not that kind of girl.

The dynamics in the class were fascinating.  The guys from India, who couldn't swim a lick, were a bit reticent but gained enthusiasm as the day went on.  Jonathan gave one of them (an attorney in India) a bigger sit-on-top type of kayak so he would have less chance of capsizing.  He has issues with control.  He runs into everyone.  I found his enthusiasm entertaining, but evidently the German girls did not.  They were talking about him, in German.  They did not like him one bit.  I know this not because they told me but because one of the two American girls speaks a ton of different languages, German being one of them.  She just laughed as she translated what they were saying.  They never knew she understood every word they said.  (One reason I am glad I speak English....I always assume everyone around me understands what I say, even if they are from other countries.  I know to whisper when I talk about people.)

We learn different strokes, but mostly have to work on controlling the kayaks.  It was difficult to control the little buggers, but I felt like I was doing OK   When Jonathan said it took him a year to learn how to keep it under control (he said these kayaks were not made to go straight ahead, so our issues were really with the kayaks not with us) I gained confidence.  Yeah, I think I could do it pretty well if I kept at it for a year.

There were some other issues....he told us to keep practicing these strokes that turned out kayaks all the way around.  We were supposed to do it 20 times in each direction.  I got a bit sick.  I hadn't expected dizziness and seasickness to be things I would experience in class either.  (Note to self:  Don't feel the need to do everything the instructor asks of you, as many times as he tells you....especially when it starts to make you nauseous.)

At the end of the day when most were leaving, Jonathan said we could stay longer and practice.  I hung out and tried getting out of the kayak underwater a few more times.  I wanted to feel confident that I could do it.  And by the end, it felt OK.  If I capsized, I was going to get out!  So Day 1 - a success.  I was exhausted, and soggy, and still feeling the effects of the dizziness, but all and all I had survived.  That was a good thing!  And boy, did I sleep that night!

Day 2 it was raining.  And no, kayaking class is not cancelled due to rain.  (I know, I know....you get wet anyway.  But still!)  With the weather, the attitudes of those in the kayaking class are somewhat altered.  The sweet young things who were so enthusiastic on Saturday, were not quite as enthusiastic on Sunday.  I actually felt a bit perkier than they did.  After lessons on dressing for the weather and gearing us all up in slickers, we hit the water. (I did think to myself I probably didn't need this lesson.  Do I really want to kayak when it is really, really cold out?  I could handle getting wet, but cold wet?)

Jonathan decides he is going to teach us more rescue techniques.  He told me the day before he tries to do the hardest things first thing in the morning when we are all fresh.  The first techniques involved flipping our kayaks and using the kayaks of others to save yourself.  He tries to get our best student, Alex, the cute 20ish German male exchange student who was paddling like an expert, to demonstrate.  Alex says "No, I don't want to get wet today."  Funny to me since it was raining and we were all going to get wet.  Jonathan, who I know was frustrated by that response but who I suspect knew he wouldn't change Alex's mind, tries to get others to demonstrate.  Out of about 15 of us, only one wants to try anything new.  I came very, very close but decided if the 20-year olds weren't going to try it, neither was I.  I didn't want to be a show-off.  He lets the rest of us just paddle around and "practice."  To show how unenthusiastic the masses were, I came from behind and beat them to "the beach."  My enthusiasm was driven by the fact that the slicker was too darn hot.....and had to come off!!!

I think we were all a disappointment all day long.  Jonathan had wanted to go beyond the rescue techniques and work up to flipping our kayaks all away around in the water.  (Going under and then back over to the other side without leaving the kayak.)  I would have probably tried it if everyone else did.  It would be a very cool thing to accomplish.  But no one wanted to....other than one of the Indian guys who the instructor flipped over several times at the end of class.  I think he was just amazed that the guy stayed so placid throughout.  I should have tried.  Maybe that will be something for me to try another time.  And maybe not!

We take a break and they get out the sea kayaks.  Some of us could use them for our late morning excursion.  I know a good thing when I see it....sea kayaks are longer and more stable and easier to paddle.  I was in.  I picked out the pretty lime green one immediately and staked a claim.  We were supposed to kayak to a lunch spot and then have a lunch break and come back.  It started raining more, so we didn't get that far.  So for lunch we attached our kayaks together in a straight line and just floated as we ate. At least the rain had slowed down to a drizzle.

One of the Indian guys (the banker) was next to me and he seemed very quiet and nervous every time I moved (like when I was reaching for my lunch bag in the storage.)  He insisted he get it for me.  He admitted he was having a difficult time that day and did not like the kayaks rigged together...I think perhaps he was feeling a bit seasick.  We started talking about his time in the US.  He said that in India there are so many family responsibilities, that this is his time to get to do things he will never get to do back home. Kayaking was one of those things.  Through his time in the class he had decided he was also going to learn to swim, play golf and skydive.  That was his current list.  (I invited him to our balloon festival....I figured he needed to take that experience back with him, too.) I would love to see how he changes in the next six months!  (Note:  The Indian lawyer's first question to me was why people in this country live together and not get married.  I tried to explain....let's just say he is probably still confused.  As some of you know, I have a difficult time with trying to answer questions for people that I perceive have delicate sensibilities.)

We end up back at the shed about 2 hours before class is supposed to end.  Jonathan says we can keep kayaking and practicing what we have learned.  All opt to leave.  Too much of a good thing, I guess.  I don't think it was a surprise to Jonathan.  Several of his friends had already shown up to kayak with him.
 
I got a certificate saying I completed my class. While I learned something about kayaking, I definitely learned other things.  For example, evidently to be an au pair in America you really must be beautiful....that's not a Hollywood stereotype; but,evidently you also have to take something like 72 hours of classes while you are here.  The au pair girls were very careful to make sure they got their class certificates so they could prove their hours.  And since the certificate didn't originally include the hours, the instructor had to edit them slightly.  They were insistent.  If I was in the market for an au pair, I would want someone with their drive to watch my children.  I don't think the kids would stand a  chance!

And while class wasn't quite the fun and easy two days of paddling that I envisioned, it was good to knock another fear off my list.  The worst thing that can happen to me is not to flip over in a kayak.  The water phobia still remains, but I think that flipping my kayak and having to get out by myself helped just a bit.  And that water phobia will be further attacked in the future....and will be conquered.  There are too many fun water activities that await me....and I don't want to miss out on that part of living life.

Oh....and though I missed church this weekend, I got a repeat of the lesson that God really does deliver us from our fears.  Even under water, upside down, and with big hips about the width of the kayak.  It's a lesson I suspect that I will be taught again and again until I really get it!

Running from Reality

"Humankind cannot bear very much reality."  T.S. Eliot

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There are just days when I want to run away from the reality of the world. While September 11 brings all kinds of thoughts to the minds of people everywhere, for some reason it most reminds me of this part of myself that wants to flee. 

I vividly remember that day.  I was on my way home from working out at the Barium Springs Y, sweating and tired and happy, thinking of my workday ahead, and had Bob and Sheri on the radio.  I was only half listening at first, but realized quickly that something was off on their regular patter tempo.  That got me listening.  At first I thought it was something on the level of a modern day "War of the Worlds" and thought to myself "What are they thinking?  This just isn't working!"  But it wasn't a dramatic production....it was the reflection of the confusion, fear and horror of an event that was real and happening as the world watched in vivid color....and those in the media grappled to figure out to do next.

I got home in time to see the second plane hit the building and it was just all so surreal.  I watched for quite a while and then turned off my TV.  I didn't turn it back on for a long time.  I still feel the same....I don't have the need or desire to watch the events over and over.  Once was enough for me (though I haven't been able to completely avoid seeing it again and again, I have tried.)  Those images are seared on my brain.  The horror the people must have felt.  The sight of people throwing themselves from the building.  The conversations of those who called people from the airplane or from their offices when they realized what was going on. The chills I still feel from the words "Let's roll."  The absolute horror of how little it takes to change a world and change the direction of many, many lives.  The aftershocks of it have shaken our earth.

It seems especially poignant to me today, in 2012, because there seem to be an extraordinary number of those I love are who are facing their own life terrors.  Their own personal time of fear.  Some are self-inflicted, most are not.  All tear at my heart and make me feel helpless.  What can I do to make it better?

For those facing fear because of the choices they have made in their lives, I struggle with how I should feel.  I am someone who is not prone to being an enabler, and am a firm supporter of there being consequences in life for all we do, whoever you are. Yet when it is someone you love, part of you wants to shield them from those consequences, even knowing that would not be for their own good.  But these people need to bear the weight of their own burdens, or they will never learn to make pure-hearted decisions. 

The things we choose to do set off little chain reactions in the lives of those we know and don't know.  We don't always see the result of the havoc we cause.  But if you think about it, every single thing we do or don't do has a consequence in this world.  Those who live their lives selfishly and sinfully and hatefully and rebelliously don't notice the impact they have on all of those who surround them.  Those who flew those planes into the buildings were so caught up in their own stuff that they had no vision for the ways their actions would hurt people for generations to come.  Or maybe they did know.  I don't discount that there are people who are that evil.  We see them on a small scale all around us, and would like to make excuses for them, but some people do seem to live to create havoc and pain in even their smallest actions.  They never seem to learn, they never seem to care about the impact.  I figure they must create stories and justifications in their mind as to why what they do doesn't matter.  They are so self-absorbed, they can't look beyond themselves. But they hurt people and the story of their lives just very well may be that they destroyed and walked away, never turning back around and facing the destruction they caused.  Frankly, they are losers.  They lose not just because of their bad choices, but because their lives burden instead of brighten.

In contrast to that type of people, are our real life winners.  Those who face tremendous obstacles and it brings out the best in them.  They may have a horrid disease, sick child, a parent with Alzheimer's who doesn't recognize them, they may lose or hate their job, get a divorce, lose their money, or have an accident that limits their abilities.  Yet regardless of their circumstance, these people face their challenges with grace and faith.  Even in the midst of it all they notice that there are others around them in pain, and try to give comfort.  They may say "Why me" on occasion, but then quickly follow that with "Why not me?"  They use the terrors of their lives to bring peace to others in the world.  We see them live their lives and find inspiration.  They show us that when someone builds their life on hope and truth, they may be shaken but they will not fall.  They brighten the world, and while they would endure their own burden, we want to help carry it. 

On this 9/11/12, I encourage us all to pay attention to our choices.  We must learn to be people of balance.  We should love others as we love ourselves, but sometimes we also need to remember to love ourselves as we love others (once again, check your balance!) We need to make sure our well stays full, so we are prepared to offer a drink to those who are thirsty.  We need to know that many of those around us have experienced, or are experiencing, horrors that we may never realize.  Sometimes it has created scars that make them ugly....and sometimes it has created scars that make them vividly beautiful.

We need to watch out for fear.  Fear drives so much of the pain in this world, but we often try to hide it with our habits and our emotions and deflect it with our humor or our anger.  We need to be on the lookout for masked fear.  The baby who crying because they can't see their parents, the child who is afraid of the dark,  the teenager who is afraid that they don't fit in,  the young person who can't seem to get a handle on how to live an adult life,  the middle aged person who is looking at their life and feeling much of what they have done is worthless, the older person who is seeing their friends die all around them and are scared of being alone.  Fear is a commonality, and often is the reason why a lot of terrible things happen.  Those who are afraid sometimes do crazy things.  Isn't it better that we try to ease their fears (or our own fears) before that happens?  Fear makes us angry, fear builds walls, fears keep us from experiencing real life, fear incapacitates us and makes us unable to fill or find our purpose. We shouldn't always run away from fear.  Sometimes fear is healthy and to be respected, but sometimes we need to run right into its path.  Facing our foes and standing our ground.  With righteous minds and kind and strong hearts.  Sometimes with a hug or a handshake or a hand of support.  We also shouldn't always run from reality, though sometimes we feel the need to escape it for a short time. 

To those who lost a piece of their reality on that certain 9/11 and carry scars, I pray that these days bring you peace and contentment.  To those who are suffering their own tragedies today or who have already suffered other tragedies in your life (your own personal 9/11), I pray that not only will you too find peace and contentment, but that also that you will find a way to get beyond the pain and find a way to commemorate that thing or event with positive purpose.  I don't believe these terrible things are allowed to happen by chance....and I believe that somehow they can help others see the face of God.  Wouldn't it be better to re-purpose the pain, instead of recycling it?

One of Those Conversations

Well it started out pleasantly, then at some point it turned.  I am not sure when.  I didn't see it coming.  Or going....it could have well been my fault.  I didn't mean for it to be.  It was supposed to be a pleasant, but truthful, conversation.  Helpful even.  He had asked for my opinion.  I gave it.  But before it was over, he was defensive and I was defensive and we just couldn't get back on track to a good place.  It finally ended....with both of us frustrated and totally uncomfortable with each other.

I tried to make it better.  I wrote an email, trying to explain myself.  That didn't work either.  I think it may have made it worse.  We're basically at an impasse.  We don't communicate well.

Don't you hate those sorts of interactions?  You know your intent is good, you know your motives are good, but something happens in the communication with the other person and it just is all awry!   You suspect they have an impression of you that is incorrect, but don't know what to do about it.  How can you change their mind?  Is it even possible?

I tend to obsess over such things.  I keep reviewing it all in my mind and wonder what I could have done to make it better.  After several days of doing this, I'm clueless.  I suspect we are just operate with different priorities and view the world with different eyes, and I am not sure that I understand how we can bridge that gap.  But I want to.  I know that he has to want to for it to happen, too.  I know I have no control over that, and that's frustrating too.

Quite honestly I don't like him very much at the moment. I know that is probably unfair.  I shouldn't vilify him too quickly.  The truth is that I dislike that I can't seem to figure out a way to make things better, so I blame him. I want to keep blaming him.  But communication is a two-way process.  I think perhaps some of the blame is mine.

I am blunt.  I speak my mind.  Sometimes it's tough to be on the other end of that.  I always think that if I am right....if I speak truth and my motives are pure....people will get that.  But so many things get in the way of that message getting across.  Sometimes the emotions of people are raw.  Sometimes they are under pressure.  Sometimes they are tired or don't feel well or just aren't in a good mood.  Sometimes my words sound harsher in the air than they do in my mind.  Always people come to us with their own verbal history... a history that has given them a sensitivity to some words, to certain attitudes, to different delivery styles.  Sometimes there is a tone of our voice that rings a memory and no matter what we say, all they hear is that tone.  You know....the Charlie Brown's teacher syndrome.  The words we say are not heard because all they hear is the droning.

I really want to run away from all of this.  It makes me very uncomfortable.  But this is a person I need to communicate with.  I need to forgive him for his part.  I need to forgive me for my part.  I need to try to find a way towards reconciliation and get on with it.

While part of me always wants to continue the "fight", I think God expects something different of me.  A little humility....and humility is so difficult for me when I know I am right!!!!  I guess I have to concede that maybe I am not.  At least not 100% right.  And maybe it doesn't matter whether I am or not.  Maybe I need to be a bit kinder.  Maybe I need to speak less.  Maybe I need to put myself in the place of another and realize that sometimes when someone asks for your opinion, they aren't ready for it to come at them with both barrels.  Sometimes they need encouragement and a soft touch.  Even if that isn't your natural inclination.

Maybe I need to remember to be grateful, too.  That most of my communications aren't like this.  Some of that is due to you.  So thank you for that!