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Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Friends Forever....or Maybe Not

I am not a big collector.  I love windup toys and definitely have more of them than the average person.  (Most from my friends the Bradys, some I have bought myself.)  And I love things that glow in the dark.  I don't have a real big collection, but probably more than you.  I love kitchen tools and dishes, but that collection is always limited by my amount of my cabinet space. I love cookbooks, but read them like novels.  I usually don't end up cooking recipes from them.

At this point in my life what I have been most fortunate to collect has been friends. They say you get to pick your friends, but I am not sure that has been true most of the time in my life.  Most of mine seem to have come into my life by circumstance and stay there.  They sat next to me in a class, they worked with me, we had common friends. Some I met through common interests, some from church, some from volunteering or community activities. 

In this day of crazy communications, some I have never met in person.  Some are friends of friends who were first on the email mailing list of a mutual friend (and generally did "reply alls" with snarky comments), some are internet friends, and others now I have met via Facebook.  Some of you bond with people that way, too.  I often get asked by friends how certain other Facebook friends (who the person has never met) are doing.  You see them comment and feel that you know them. I find that to be very cool.  (Does anyone have a "best friends I have never met" list like me?  I keep knocking people off the list, and they become "best friends I have met", but then find more to add to the list!)  Some people would roll their eyes at me for considering these people friends.....but I know that we have shared our lives in some ways, support each other, and have a bond.  One that I define as friendship.

But though some friends come in and out like seasons, sometimes a friendship needs to die.  If they do not celebrate when good things happen for you and if they're not there to hold you up when bad things happen, then maybe they aren't the people you need in your life.  If they make jokes at your expense about something you are sensitive about....and they know that you're sensitive about it....maybe they are not your friends.  (Note that this may require you actually outright tell them at least once that it is an issue, because sometimes people just aren't as intuitive as you....and it's your job to enlighten them if you are their friend.)   If you seem to always bore them, or annoy them, or you just don't feel good about you after you are around them (and it's not a situation where you are wrong) ....maybe they are not your friends.

It doesn't matter how long a person has been in your life.  True friends you have had for years are treasures, but people who don't treasure you are like that outfit you haven't worn in a year.... regardless of how long you have had it or how great you looked in it at one time, sometimes it is time to just throw it out.  I admittedly have a difficult time getting rid of that outfit, so I definitely have a difficult time getting rid of a friend.

It doesn't have to be a big major deal confrontational breakup.  Actually there are few times that it does.  Sometimes you just have to make a mental note and realize that certain people are not capable of being the kind of friend that you need at a certain time.  Some people are just not good at friendship.  Some people just don't want or need more than one or two friends.  Some people are not able to maintain friendships by long distance, or if they are at a different life stage than you.  Some are not able to maintain friends with their single friends if they are in a relationship, or with their coupled friends if they are single.  Some are embarrassed if they are less successful than you, or don't feel they have much in common with you if they have more.  Some were around you at a bad time in their life, and are uncomfortable being around you now.  There are a lot of reasons for the division....and honestly some don't really have much to do with you.

I've been surprised over time at treasured friends who have so willingly left my life with seemingly no regret or looking back, and others who have miraculously stayed in spite of obstacles.  I love when people come back into my life from my past and we get to reconnect the friendship.  For many of my friends, time and distance don't seem to change us.  Give us a few minutes together, and it is just like it was 20 years ago.

While I can't think of anyone who I have had a major breakup with (Well, except one friend who had drug issues and I couldn't stand by and watch him change who he was and could be.  But even though he is out of my life, I still consider him a friend and would welcome him back with open arms if possible.), there are some who I have had to just release on the level of "If you love something, set it free.  If it comes back to you, it is yours."  Some have come back into my life, and some haven't.  At some point you have to just let yourself be OK with that and take it as it comes....and be thankful for those who have stayed.

Most friendships are journeys.  Some you share the path with for a long time.  With most you venture in different directions and your paths merge in and out.  Some friends you need to lead, some you follow.  In most you will walk side by side.  But all friendships, like all relationships, require a bit of commitment, a bit of work.  All friendships should encourage you to be better, kinder, more fulfilled, more joyful.  All should see your potential and purpose and push you towards that.  While they should accept that you have weaknesses, they shouldn't encourage you to be weak.  If they do, maybe you've gotten confused about the definition of friendship.  And that is something that you need to work on.  Because great friends are your biggest supporters.....and want your life to mean something.  Those are the kind of friends that you deserve and need to collect close around you.  The rest.....it's OK to let them go.


Monday, May 28, 2012

Knowing Me

When I lived in the Raleigh/Cary area a great guy named Tim was my hair stylist.  Tim was really great with my cut......and always accommodating to my schedule.   Since days were difficult for me, my appointment times were sometimes set up to 10:00 at night.  (He wasn't a morning person....he didn't mind.)  And he was flat out fun to hang out with.....never a dull moment.  (And getting a haircut...not usually the stuff of entertainment!)

I've colored my hair since I was in my 20s and almost always did it myself.  I like playing around with it and I've never had the patience to wait through the process in a salon, even though that may get me a better result, but it just takes too much time (another result of a short attention span)!  One night, during a 9:00 p.m. appointment, Tim finally talked me into letting him do my color.  It was his specialty and he had been anxious to do it.  I was tired and the idea of the extra pampering sounded good....so I agreed.

When Tim mixed up the color, I looked at it and said "Tim, that's way too red."  I have a bit of an issue with red for my hair.  For some reason hair stylists love to color my hair with red tones and I never have liked it that color....but always figured they knew what looked better on me than I did,so usually just let them.  But this was worse than the norm......the color he mixed was this BRIGHT true red color.  I balked.  I said "Tim, my hair tends to suck up color....that's going to be really red and I don't want my hair really red."  Tim said  "Kim, I am the professional.  This is my specialty.  This color will be perfect on your hair.  It will just give you a soft red glow when you are under lights.  Trust me.  I used this same formula on someone else recently and it is was just a subtle change."  So...I conceded.  He was the professional.  While I had colored my hair probably a hundred times, I had never had one lesson on how to do it properly (just lessons learned from screwing it up.) He'd had tons of lessons with some of the best colorists in the country.  Logically it made sense that he knew better than me.  So....I let him do it his way.

He put on the color, I waited while it processed, and then it was time to wash it out.  As Tim was washing, he said "Ummmm........Kim.......you're not ever going to see this.  But I can fix it.  I promise."

How could I not see it?  There was no way I wasn't going to look (though he begged.)  A few swivels and bumps and I was at the mirror.  My hair was this amazing color of bright red.  Not red that anyone would have as a natural hair color.  More like the color where you would teach a child their colors.  Primary color red.  Bozo red.  Red, red, red, red, red.  Red that I didn't think was even possible mixed with my dark brown hair.

It made me laugh.  I didn't stop laughing most of that night.  Tim wasn't laughing quite as hard, but he also had to laugh at himself a bit.  He knew he would never live it down.  Not sure he enjoyed my mocking "But you are the professional."  (Maybe I said it to much.)  He did fix it.....though we were there until well after 1 a.m. (with work early for me the next day) doing it.  But it reminded me of a very simple thing.... while I may not be a professional at a lot of things, there is no greater expert on me!

I now embrace that.  I will almost always ask for the advice of others, and listen to the opinions of others when I am stewing over something in my brain..... I have wonderful smart, opinionated friends and family members, and they have incredible judgment (most of them....usually.)  But if you are the type that gets insulted if your advice is not taken, it's probably best not to offer it to me.  Well, you can.....but you just may feel insulted.  Only I can take info and twirl it around in my brain and see if it gels with my own thoughts and my own sense of timing.  Only I can see if it lines up with my own morals and values and how I want to conduct my life.  Only I can see if it seems to resonate with the inner urgings of the spirit.  Only I have that added expertise that no other person will ever have....the sum combination of who I am.

You don't become an expert on yourself living passively or always acting on the urgings of others.  It actually requires a bit of work.  I know a few "child people" who will never make a decision for themselves if there is anyone else around to do it.  If you choose to be like this, there are many people around that are more than willing to take the control.  And yes, you can always blame them when something goes wrong and say "Well, it wasn't my idea."  Usually if you are this personality, though, you won't  be that outspoken....you will just quietly act the passive-aggressive victim and enjoy when others do it for you.  You never take the reigns of your own life and accept responsibility for your own actions.  It's always the fault of someone else if it doesn't work out.  (Can you tell that this bothers me in a person?!)

To become an expert on yourself, however, you have to look at yourself as you really are.  Your strengths and your weaknesses.  In balance and unemotionally.  You have to know what you believe and what you don't believe.  You have to be willing to make a decision for yourself, and live with the consequences of that decision.  You can't blame others if you make the decision to take their advice and it does not turn out well.  When you adopted it, it became your decision.  Most of all, though, to become an expert on yourself you have to pay attention to yourself.  Not to who you want to be, but who you really are.

I've talked to people with health problems that were upset they were not diagnosed by their doctors correctly or quickly, but then after talking to them for a while you realize when they talked to their doctor they left out pertinent information about what was really going on with their bodies.  They either made symptoms less than they were, were embarrassed with what was going on so uncomfortable mentioning it (so they didn't), or expecting to be asked for all of the specifics and not ready to offer any information not  requested.   They didn't mention what had changed with their body, or with their life, or important things about their past history.  They expected their doctors to go on a fishing expedition in unknown territory....and while they could be a guide, they refused to do it.  And then they complained that there wasn't fish for dinner. 

The professionals in your life can give great advice.  The hairdressers, the doctors, your boss, your lawyer, your friends and family members.....you should listen to what they have to say and consider whether it resonates as something you should do.  But it is your responsibility to bring the you to the equation.  That should be your specialty.  Don't discount your ability to be your own expert.  And your ability to say "That's not right for me."

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."  Aristotle




Wednesday, May 23, 2012

The Irony of Harmony

Yes, there is a bit of irony going on in Harmony right now (which, for those of you not from NC, is a town close to where I live.... in the county north of Charlotte.)  They're preparing for a Ku Klux Klan rally.  Yeah, really.  You thought that was an organization that had died long ago?   Thought perhaps it was a myth?  Nope.  It lives.  Here in my community.  And this rally is going to be held on the land of one of our fellow citizens...in "Harmony." 

It's quite secretive, of course.  Evidently the flyers that are publicizing it have no address, date or time listed.  There is a phone number with an answering machine, which I guess you call to get information.  Supposedly it is a "white unity event" and on that recording they say "If it ain't white, it ain't right."  (Ahhhh...a classic two sentence poem!)  I'm wondering if they still put on the white robes and hoods.  Costuming is so important when you are having a secret club meeting.  Wonder if there is a secret handshake, too. 

There will evidently be a cross burning.  Fitting, since this sort of people probably would have not only hammered Jesus to the cross, but would have put him aflame, too.  Hey Klan, you remember Jesus.....that 33-year old Jewish guy who a lot of us believe offered himself up as the sacrifice for our sins. Who scripture didn't seem to indicate as the savior of only those who have skin of a particular white color.....but the guy who apparently considers people in the whole beautiful spectrum of colors that God knit together in mother's wombs as his brothers and sisters.

It admittedly makes me angry.  As I suspect those who are planning this rally are angry.  They say that anger is always fear in disguise.  I know what I fear...evil, hate-filled people.  What do these people fear?  Alternate skin colors?????

I have never, ever understood why someone would choose to be so proud of something that they have absolutely no contribution to whatsoever, such as the color of their skin.   (Well, unless they tan or use sunscreen faithfully.  Then they have some reason, I guess!)  But really....why would that be the particular quality you choose to celebrate?  There are so many things that make up who we are....why base your identity on your skin color? 

I wish our world was a bit farther along the spectrum when it comes to racism.  I await the day that race is not even mentioned on any application or survey because it is just too complicated to define.  And because it just doesn't matter.  We're probably already there, actually, but won't give up that precious delineation. I hope it happens soon.....and in my lifetime.  It annoys me that people still think it matters.

If you are one of those who plans to attend this rally, or someone who may not actually do it but would like to, I would like to talk to you.  Come out from living in secret.  Take off the hood.  Come out and tell me your story.  I promise I will listen to what you have to say.  Because I want to understand where you are coming from.  Why you think the way you do.   I want us to get to the heart of this.  It really isn't about skin color, is it?????  And no, I will not attend the rally to find out.  Even though I evidently meet the skin color requirement, I don't meet the heart requirement.


Martin Luther King, said that he wanted his children to be judged by the content of their character rather than the color of their skin.  I stand with you, Dr. King.  I want that, too.  I want that for all people.  I want us to live in harmony.   I want us to be not color blind, but color kind.  I just wish it wasn't taking so long! 

The Klan may still be alive, but I hope it isn't well.   My big wish would be that this rally have no attendance.  Or if people attend, they would live their lives out loud, publicly, and tell people how they feel.  Whether I ever know the identity of the people behind this secret white society or not, I will pray for their hearts....that they would hear the voice of God.  And that he would change their mission to one of loving all people.  Of helping people.  Of being a good neighbor.  Of being people of character instead of people of color.  I hope many of my friends of all colors will be praying with me.

"May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such HARMONY with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus,  that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore welcome one another as Christ has welcomed you, for the glory of God."   Romans 15:5-7 ESV



Tuesday, May 22, 2012

That Big Special Place Inside My Brain

Once when I was young, I believe it was middle school, I wore my shirt to school inside-out.  A very silly thing.  Who remembers something like this?  Obviously me.  But someone noticed it, pointed it out in a crowd, and laughed.  Everyone else laughed too.  It was humiliating.  Not the reason I wanted to stand out.   I still have the propensity to do things like this, and it makes me cringe.  The memory has a special place in my brain.

Another time, when I was in college, one of my friends told me that his roommate had called me "the dumpy one."  It wasn't an isolated statement.  There was much more to the story and his point was that his roommate was an idiot.  But I can't tell you anything else about the story...that phrase is all I remember.   I never let on to my friend, but it crushed me.  Especially since at that time I had less of a problem with weight than I have any time prior or since.  I had struggled with weight my whole life so it was a definite sore spot.  That just poured salt on it.  And it is one of those stupid things that I just can't seem to get out of my head that has a special place in my brain.

And then there was the time that someone asked me what was wrong with me that I wasn't married.  Implying, I guess, that there was some major flaw that I had that all married people don't have. Yeah, I thought it was a stupid thing for him to say, and made a sharp retort, but in retrospect I don't think his intent was to hurt my feelings.  I do think that he was thoughtless, but I believe he was really interested in the answer.  Not knowing the answer, it frustrated me.  And embarrassed me.  Even knowing it was silly, it somehow worked itself into a special place in my brain.

I can tell more of these stories.  I could probably go back as elementary school, if I were to think about it a bit.  Not all are exclusively about me.  There are also those times when I've said really stupid things to people that hurt their feelings. Sometimes unintentionally.  For some reason I find that harder to forgive in myself than when I said things with intent (a bit crazy, I know!)  There have been times I made a mistake at work that made me or someone else look a bit stupid.  Lots and lots of times in life where you just don't measure up.   I remember them and hold them in that special place in my brain.


I read a magazine article this morning that referenced a book called "The Female Brain" by Dr. Louann Brizendine.  (God bless the people who read nonfiction books and write magazine articles that hit the high points so I don't have to read the whole thing!  Who said Cliff notes don't follow you into real life?)  It said there is a part of our brain called the "anterior cingulate cortex," that my simple mind would describe as a place wired to hold onto the bad stuff. It's for a sound biological purpose....a protection device to keep us from doing harmful or stupid things to ourselves over and over again.  It's like a magnet for the negative.  While we all have this part of our brain, in women it is larger than it is in men.   And we see this in play often....women tend to hold onto these stupid memories way longer than men do, and often they are the complicated reason as to why we are more critical of ourselves.  It is also probably the reason we don't hold onto the good things that people tell us for as long...they don't provoke that "danger" response. (I won't discuss right now that this anterior cingulate cortex size thing may be the reason that men do stupid things over and over again, but if someone else wants to make that deduction it does seems to fall right in line.  And explains a few things to me that  I could never figure out.)  

So this has all made me think....how do we fight this part of our brain when it comes to the dumb stuff?  How do we hold onto the real valid danger warnings and get rid of the stupid things that we use to self-criticize, eat away at what is good about us, and monopolize our lives?   I think the fight is ongoing.  At least in my case it is.  Here are a few of the things I think we need to do....
  • We have to find a way to see the logic in the stories.  I have a strong logical bent, so I have done this with those stupid things over and over again.  But I need to do it more.  With me it may work for a while, but then the replay begins.  When that happens I need to get the logic out again post-haste!.
  • We have to see what is true and what is false, and work to fix those things that need fixing.   Hurtful things said to us can contain truth, and we need to mine this out.  Because we are hurt we don't have to reject the one who hurt us by validating what they have said.  It's OK to mine the nuggets of gold from the dirt, and keep them just for us.  (And while throwing the dirt back in their face after we have mined it does seem like a fun idea, let's not do that.)  We can change those things that we need to change for ourselves.....to make our lives better, healthier and more rewarding.
  • We need to value ourselves for the whole of who we are, and not base our value on a few outtakes from our lives that should have been thrown away years ago and not been allowed to make it into the film.  We are amazing beings, created in the image of God, and the very fact that our heart beats and our blood flows through our veins is a miracle.  How can we overlook all of the good stuff and let the silly and unimportant bad stuff trump it all and keep us from enjoying the party?
We will all continue to do stupid things.  Other people will continue to hurt our feelings.  We will continue to hurt theirs.  But I plan to start to pay attention to the faulty wiring in my anterior cingulate cortex.  I'd prefer not to repeat the dangerous and stupid, but there are times when I need to do a little personal brain surgery on some of the things that are stored there. 


Sunday, May 20, 2012

As I Relayed....

(Note:  Relay for Life is a 24-hour event for the American Cancer Society, that celebrates survivors of cancer, remembers those we have lost to cancer and raises money for the care of cancer patients and for medical research.  It took place in Statesville, NC May 18-19, 2012.  Feel free to comment on your own thoughts as you relayed.)



As I relayed I remembered my friend Mary, who I accompanied to an appointment at Duke Hospital over 15 years ago.  The appointment was to discuss her option of a bone marrow transplant.  The treatment was still very experimental for ovarian cancer, but it was the only option left for her.  When she asked me what I thought she should do, I said "You have to do it.  Your daughter is 16 years old.  You have to fight with everything you've got."

At times during the next year I regretted those words, as I saw her body ravaged by the treatment, as I saw her very close to the brink of death.  She lived a little over a year after that, spending much of it recovering from the brutal effects of the transplant.  She lived to plan her daughter's high school graduation party, but did not live to attend it. 

As I relayed I thought of where we have come with regard to chemo and radiation, stem cell and bone marrow transplant treatment, but just how far we have to go.  In recent years two friends of mine and one friend of my family have had transplants.  We lost Barry, the longtime friend of our family, after a valiant but ugly fight this year.  My friends David and Mike, however, have not only survived their transplants but are back to "real life." 

As I relayed I thought about my cousin Jonathan, who would have been 41 on Mother's Day this year.  He died at age seven, right around the time of my high school graduation.   There has been a hole in our family ever since.  He was a joy as a boy, but we missed seeing him become a man.

As I relayed I thought of my niece Sara, who has survived cancer for five years.  She experienced her first Relay this weekend, raised lots of money and spent the whole 24 hours there (and more) with her husband and three children.  She is a person of passion, and it was beautiful to see her passion directed at raising money for Relay.

As I relayed I thought of my friend and team captain Barb, who was desperately missing her daddy this year.   The last couple of years she spent much time as his caregiver, even when he was cranky and feeling sick and vulnerable and uncomfortable sharing this with his beloved daughter.  She worked so hard this year for Relay in his memory, as she did as she was fighting for his life. 

As I relayed I thought of my young friend Bryan, who fought so many brain tumors as a teenager, but lived life to the full.  Who was my constant concert buddy during his teenaged years, with whom I shared so much laughter and conversations both silly and deep.  Who built a faith in his life that was strong and mature.  Who promised to save me good concert seats in heaven if he got there before me.  Who is now saving me those seats.  Who I still remember at every concert I attend on this earth, and many times in between.  Who I think just may be jamming along in heaven.

As I relayed I remembered little Erin, who first got my attention at Relay one year, so cute in the bandana she had wrapped in her hair as she walked with the survivors.  Something about her grabbed my heart.  I found out later that she had had chemo that afternoon, but was determined she was going to march the survivor's walk.  I chaired Relay the next year, and I was privileged to have her as our honorary chair.  Could there be a greater goal to raise money for research than looking at Erin's sweet face?  We raised money and she was such an inspiration.  But it was too little, too late. We lost Erin before our next Relay.  Her face from that first Relay, however, is photographed in my mind.

As I relayed I thought of my ballooning friends who have fought cancer, especially Ursula, Rob and Roy.... who all bring such joy to my life.  I hope they all make many, many more survivor's laps, have many soft landings, and that I am always in their lives to cheer them on. 

As I relayed I thought of my friends Lou and Amy, just married.  Both lost their spouses to cancer.  Lou bought luminaries in memory of Brenda and Bill, whose lives will forever be remembered in their new family.  Seeing their luminaries made me sad, but I also was touched by Lou's heart....which is so full of love...and God's provision for his and Amy's future.

As I relayed I thought of my college roommate Ann, who had a double mastectomy this year.  Who researched and was equipped when she met with her doctors, listened to what they said but took control of the decision making.  She was determined to be a victor instead of a victim of the disease.  And so far....she has cancer pinned.  Cancer - 0; Ann - 1

As I relayed, I thought of a friend of mine, who was supposed to have been attending the event with us this year, but instead was hospitalized fighting the effects of her most recent chemotherapy.  Who just may give me "the look" for even mentioning her here....but is a woman of great power who needs more energy to continue to change the world.  Let this be the year they find the perfect treatment that will get her through this bout and have her relaying with us next year, healthy and full of energy.

As I relayed I thought of my friend Claire.....for whom I bought a luminary "In Honor" of, but who died before that luminary was allowed to burn.  It instead lit up the darkness in her memory.

As I relayed I thought of all of the survivors I get to cheer for year after year.  Some who I met through Relay.  People who survived with purpose.....and one of those purposes is making sure they are part of finding a cure.

As I relayed I thought of those who have not had their physicals or gotten the easy (and often free) tests that could catch cancer and get people treated in the early stages.  Mammograms, pap smears, colonoscopies, PSAs, monthly breast checks....simple things about which people are too complacent.  I thought of people who ignore symptoms out of fear or because they want to believe it is nothing. Who are so busy in the short term, that they don't take the time to do the things that will keep them with us for the long term.  Who make jobs harder for our medical professionals because they aren't willing to partner with them and really tell them what is going on with their bodies. 

As I relayed I thought of all of the people I am blessed to love and for whom I have a furious passion that we will stop this disease.  There is research that needs to be funded, treatments that need to be paid for.  There are brilliant young people who need to be encouraged to go into medical research and people who are already in medical research that need both funding and encouragement.  While we can't bring those we have lost to this horrible disease back to this earth, we can still prevent others from its devastating effects.

As I relayed I thought of all of the volunteers it took to put on the event.  I talked with Tim, who served on the committee with me as I chaired, and we remembered the happy exhaustion we felt when it was over. And when were so tired we needed to take a break.  And those who stood up and took our place, and did the work to make the event continue.  I wondered who would step up next...who will stand up and volunteer to take their place, when they are weary.  Or volunteer with them and renew their energy.  Tag-teaming and using lives, in one of the best way possible ways.

As I relayed I sometimes felt hopeless.  Cancer is big, it is ugly, it is a devastating monster that just seems to keep eating people alive.  But then I looked around at all of the people that were there.  And people who were not there physically, but who gave money, or supported fundraisers, or just grabbed the ear of God.  People who care.  People who will be available.  People who will be the warriors.  People who will beat cancer.  People who replace my discouragement with hope. 

As I relayed I cried.  But I also smiled.


Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Evil Spring (or Moving When I Don't Feel Like It)

It's been an especially tough spring for me.  The pollen has seemed to be worse than normal, and we keep having these crazy atmospheric changes (which my body hates.)  That means most mornings I wake up with headaches.  And I am exhausted.....constantly exhausted.

I've lost friends to disease and accident, and seen other friends facing sickness and depression and sadness and guilt and helplessness.  My work load has been heavy and just when I think I am getting a handle on it, something else comes up.  No one's fault....it just does.  There is a lot going on in the corporate world, and my clients seem to be particularly hit these days.  I've seen really great people lose jobs and others who lost jobs a while ago, but haven't found another that brings them the same satisfaction and quality of life.  Some friends have had businesses fail, others are struggling with finances.  Some through their own fault of overspending, and others because of things like medical bills or car repairs or divorce or things that seem to break down at the worse possible time. I can't claim depression, because that isn't the case, but seeing so much darkness does make it a bit more difficult to see the sunshine.

OK, I feel a bit cheated.  Spring is supposed to be about beauty and birth and coming alive.  I'm supposed to feel energized, not like I just want to bury my head under the covers or lay in bed and read a book and escape from the real world.  I'm supposed to be doing spring cleaning, not just stare as the piles of newspapers and mail accumulate around me.  I'm supposed to be enjoying the great outdoors, not cursing trees, flowers and the process that brings us honey! 

I'm making it worse for myself.  I haven't really worked out well for two weeks.  I went one day last week (yep, one) and just felt sluggish.  It was difficult to put one foot in front of the other.  It discouraged me.  But I also know that a sluggish workout is worth something.  Not working out at all makes all parts of my body drag all the more. Still, after work this week I have found myself on the couch and not in the gym.

Romans 7:15 comes to mind "I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do." 

But the truth is that I do understand it...the verse really doesn't apply here for me.  I just stuck it in there for fun (Made ya look!)  I just don't want to do it!  When we are tired and feel sick, our mind gets lethargic.  When our mind gets lethargic, our body follows suit.   And unfortunately, as much as we like to think we don't control our mind or our body, we do.  We have to discipline ourselves, and to repeat the quote Nike made even more famous, just do it!  Whether we want to or not.  It applies to working out.  It applies to cleaning house.  It applies to getting work done.  It applies to spending time with people we have been neglecting or dealing with relationship problems in positive ways.  It applies to paying bills and/or finding a solution to our money problems.  It applies to looking for a job.  It applies to making appointments to go to the doctor or the dentist.  It applies for getting help for problems.  It applies for changing wrong patterns that we have going on in our life. 

I hate working out.  I will probably fight it every day of my life.  I especially hate running, and while is not natural to me, my body seems to need for me to do a bit of it.   More than running, though what I hate more is knowing I am not taking care of the only body I will be given.  Knowing I am resisting something that is for my own good.  And not doing something that helps me be more energetic and makes me think better and  feel better.

Today is a new day, and while I don't have much more energy than I did yesterday, I will make an effort to get in a bit of running.  No matter how I feel.  No matter the excuses I can come up with.  I know some of you are dealing with the same sort of thing.  Want to join me?  Running may not be your issue, but I'll bet there just may be something else you aren't doing that you should be doing.....so let's move it!  Today.  Let's renew and re-engage.  Let's find spring.  As it should be.


Sunday, May 13, 2012

Meant To Be My Mom

Our relationship has often not been easy.  I think from the time I was 12 until I left for college at 18 I probably screamed at her every day.  (She often screamed back.) Mostly I didn't feel she had the right to tell me what to do.  Yeah....I know legally she did.  And it was her responsibility as a parent.  But still I felt that if I was willing to take responsibility for my actions, including any consequences that came from them, I should have that freedom.  I also always felt like she who should know me best should understand I was capable of making good decisions.  She always worried I wouldn't.  That meant for tension.  I think it was about when I left for college that I first started understanding this and seeing it didn't totally have to do with her lack of faith in me.   That last year before college she kept plying me with questions of how I would handle this situation or that situation.  Irritated I finally asked "Do you think I am stupid?"   Her response was "I am just afraid that there are things we haven't taught you that you need to know."  I started to understand it... a little!  She wanted to make sure she had done her job well.

I have always felt like my mom was very critical of me.  She feels she is trying to be helpful, to give me advice or tell me the truth.  I just feel criticized and like I don't quite measure up.  I have always made up my own mind about things, and tried not to let the criticism or opinions of other carry too much weight.  I like that  about myself.  And it works well with most people.  But with my mom, even if I discount it on the surface, it gnaws underneath.  A minor criticism becomes a major one.  A major criticism is a failure.  The weighting I place on her words is different than the weight to comments from anyone else on earth.  I definitely overreact.  And it annoys me that it matters that much.  But it does.  It's the opinion of my mom.

And I must acknowledge that I mirror that back to her.  I am more critical of her than I am of other people.  I expect her to live to a higher standard than I expect from others.  She who taught me how to judge people by their hearts and not by things they had no control over, who taught me to give and receive with grace and thanksgiving, and to keep short accounts with those you love, resolve issues and move on....made me see her as superhuman.  I expect her to live to a standard that is probably quite impossible....and probably one I don't want to be held to myself.

But yet, I know for sure there is no one who loves me more.  Never once in my life have I seriously doubted that.  That love is not conditional.  I can call in any crisis, be truthful about who I am and what I did.  She will not tell me what I did was OK, or that it had to be someone else's fault, but she will help me develop a plan of action to get through it.  She has never looked at me with blind eyes.  My character has always mattered beyond everything else to her.  That I tell the truth.  That I accept responsibility when I screw up.  That I go beyond accepting responsibility and try to go an extra mile and learn a life lesson.  Figure out how to not let it happen again. And realize that my actions do not only affect me....they affect others.  Rose colored glasses do not often raise good human beings.

The only time I remember my mother being mad about my grades in school was when I made a "Needs Improvement" in Citizenship in 7th grade (given to me by Mrs. Jordan.)  You won't find it hard to believe that it was for talking.  Mom hit the ceiling.  There never was a lot of pressure at our house when it came to grades, but that was the one I was punished for.  To be disrespectful to our teachers was not acceptable behavior.  Not only did she request my seat be moved in my classroom away from the friend I talked to (which I do believe was Tania Helms Bogenschneider), but until she was assured that my behavior had improved, I was basically under house arrest.  The rule in our house was that with any punishment at school, we would get twice the punishment at home.  And that rule was adhered to.  The teacher was always right, because they owned the classroom.  No excuses were acceptable.  Adults were to be respected.  I know now what a gift that point of view gave me.  We always have a boss or someone in authority over us.  Our first reaction should be respect.  Not whether we agree with them or not.  Not excuses acceptable, other than going against the law or morality.
 
My mom took the job of parenting seriously.  It was her priority. She didn't care to be my friend. I remember telling her one day that one of my friends said her mom was her best friend (implying that if she would just be a bit cooler maybe she could be mine.)  My mom could not have cared less.  She said "You'll have a lot of friends in life and only one mother."  And she was right.  Moms trump friends.  Moms are different from friends.  Moms have responsibilities that friends don't.  I sometimes see moms now that use their children as their confidant and sounding board.  My mother never did that.  I am grateful.  I was allowed to be a child.  My mom solved my childhood problems.....she didn't make it my job to solve her grown up ones.  She was the parent, I was the child. 

My mom raised five children that are very different from each other, but also very similar.  We are all opinionated, we are all stubborn, we are all independent, we are all loyal.  We can all be a pain in the neck, but we also have people in our lives willing to point that out to us.  Not just with each other, but all of us tend to choose friends who will do the same.  (And we appreciate those people.)  We argue amongst ourselves on occasion, but generally with humor and don't hold grudges against each other.  I think as adults we would get good citizenship awards, though we all still may talk too much on occasion. 

My mom has been able to transition to being the mom of adult children.  She doesn't interfere with our decisions.  She doesn't put a lot of demands on us.  While she still cares about our character (and her heart breaks when she sees a fault line there), she allows us to make our own mistakes and deal with their own consequences.   She allows that independent side of me to have its hard won freedom, even when I do things that she deems a bit crazy or risky.  I don't feel guilty for this or apologize for it....she can handle it.  She is a strong woman who taught me to be a strong woman.  I am sure she worries  about us just as much as she did when we were younger, but she lets us be adults.  Maybe I should state it a bit stronger....she expects us to be adults.  Evidence that she has done her job well is that we are capable of taking care of ourselves. 

What the adult me knows is this:  It is a gift to have a mom who takes their job seriously.  It is a gift to have a mom who pays attention to their children, noticing both the good and the bad.  It is a gift to have a mom whose love for you is pure.  It is a gift to have a mom who is in your corner cheering you on.  It is a gift to have a mom who cares.  It is a gift to have a mom who has faith in the grown up that she has raised.

On this Mother's Day, thank you for the gifts, Mom.  I know everyone on this earth didn't get a great mom.  You are loved and appreciated.  Even when I may not act like it.  Of all the moms in the world, you were uniquely given the gifts to make me the person I am.  You were meant to be my mom.  You were chosen by God for me and I love you for taking on that challenge.  And continuing to take it on, even now! 

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Live Like We're Alive

We call it life, which conjures up visions of birth, growth, freshness, and passion.  But it also includes death, sickness, dirt, and sin.  So how do we live our days?   It's a question I constantly mull over, and one for which I most often I find a need for an internal pep talk.  My answer is simple...we live like we are alive.

It is easy to live aimlessly and without passion.  That seems to be the place our body takes us if we aren't deliberate with our actions.  Well, I guess I can't speak for you, but it's that way for me.  OK, maybe I can speak for some of you.....because I see how you live.  You walk through life disengaged, and feeling sorry for yourself.  You go through the motions and the motions are meaningless.  You sometimes interact with people, but your presence in their life pulls them down, doesn't encourage them to be all they can be.  Doesn't challenge them to live life well.   Doesn't help them enjoy each day.  Distracts them from seeing God.   Your whole countenance is one of condemnation and self-pride.  On other days, you don't see other people at all.  You just see yourself.

And I'm not condemning  just you when I say this.  I'm looking in the mirror.  I suspect that for a lot of us, this is our tendency and probably our major area of sin.  We take life on this earth for granted, and don't see it as part of our eternity.  We forget we are here for each other and forget that we have responsibilities that shouldn't be burdens, but should instead give us wings and fulfillment and purpose.

Those who know me know that I try to avoid theology.  It just sounds dull, doesn't it?  But a few friends have pointed out over the years that I am actually more passionate about it that I would like to think.  They start to bait me with issues, and I find that yeah, I am quite opinionated about it after all.  While "theology" sounds cold and dull, if you define it as discovering who God is and why He says what He says and does what He does, it becomes the truly amazing act of getting to know a living, breathing being.....a person.  One who is consistent, wise, caring, and a great creator and inventor who makes sense.  And that does interest me.... more than anything else.  I like that God stresses we have to have a personal relationship with Him.  And that we can.  We don't have to be able to use the big words, win the scripture memorization contest, or get in deep theological discussions with deep theological people.  We don't have to take the opinions of the more educated or those of the more outwardly spiritual as our own.  We can intimately know the person of God just as we are, because He is speaking to us directly every day.  We just need to shut up, tune in and listen.  He created our minds to know him....even those of us with simple minds.  I think one day some people are going to find out they over-thought the nuances and missed out on knowing the person.   Those who know the big words and spend the most time memorizing the Greek, don't necessarily win, just as those with the most money don't always have the happiest lives! 

When I was growing up they tried to teach us the Westminster Shorter Catechism.  As with most things that require an attention span, I never quite learned the whole thing.  But I did learn the first question and answer. Q:  "What is the chief end of man"  A: "The chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever."  Gee, I may have already mentioned this in a blog before.  And probably will again.  Like I said, it was the only one I remember and I tend to think on this a lot because it is my bedrock.  It is my  checkpoint....."So today, Kim, are you glorifying God?  Are you enjoying Him?" 

Life should be about discovering more about who God is, and I just don't think you can do it in a pristine world.  Because that isn't the world we were given.  In case you haven't noticed, this world around us just isn't pristine.  How can you identify God if you also can't identify godlessness?  And at least for me, I discover that definition changes all the time.  Because I don't get it all yet.  Figuring it out is a work in process.

I'm mystified by monks.  That whole idea that to discover God you cut yourself off from the world and just try to commune only with Him.  I know many Christians who, while they would never describe their lives as monk-like, live in such an insulated world where they effectively have done this to themselves.  They're pure, but if purity was something we could accomplish on our own, Jesus did nothing.  Yes, I know we are supposed to be "in the world, but not of the world."  But we are supposed to bring light to darkness, and be salt to the world.  Sometimes soothing, sometimes blinding.  Sometimes tasty, sometimes causing pain to the wound as it heals.  We're supposed to get our hands dirty and get involved in what's going on around us.  People can be distracting and annoying and frustrating, but we are commanded to love and serve them.  How do we do this if we don't get to know people and attempt to understand them?  And how do we really know God, if we don't try to get to know His creation and instead stand back, repelled with what we think we are seeing?  God is still in there somewhere.  We need to find Him, and sometimes we need to let Him infuse our bodies and use us.

A confession. There are some people who call themselves Christians that I just plain don't want to be with for eternity.  I would actually call being around them for eternity hell.  I know this because I call five minutes on this earth with them hell.  God knows that, we have had quite a few conversations about that, and it's an area in which I have decided to just trust Him.  My own thought is that if they are that repellant to me, they don't really know the God I serve.  I hope He reveals himself to them....I hope they change.  Or if it is me that should change, I hope I am given the knowledge, power, grace and will to do so.  But for now, I plan to avoid those people as much as possible.  There are too many very, very amazing creations out there with whom I would prefer to spend my time.  Some who are really imperfect specimens of God's creation on the surface, but glorious wonderment underneath.   Discovering this helps me know God.  And helps make me enjoy God now, forever.  This is the life I celebrate, today as I am alive.

(And my sweet friend Claire, I celebrate your life today, too!  You were life personified.)

Psalm 100 (KJV)
Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all ye lands.
Serve the Lord with gladness: come before his presence with singing.
Know ye that the Lord he is God: it is he that hath made us, and not we ourselves; we are his people, and the sheep of his pasture.
Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.
For the Lord is good; his mercy is everlasting; and his truth endureth to all generations.



Lyrics to "Live Like We're Alive" by Nevertheless
They say we can’t make it through 
too young; don’t know what to do. 
This life is much too hard for you and me. 
They say we’re living in our dreams 
black, white, and nothing in between. 
This world is never as it seems to be. 
But they don’t want this
and they don’t feel this
but this was never theirs at all! 

So here I stand.
I’m ready for anything. 
Just a man, but I’m giving everything. 
We’re here only for a second
and then we’re gone when we least expect it. 
So do more than survive. 
Let’s live like we’re alive! 

They say, “Stay inside the lines we’ve drawn
and you will be just fine. Don’t take chances 
with your life. C’mon.” But they don’t want this, 
and they don’t feel this, but this was never theirs at all! 

So here I stand. 
I’m ready for anything. 
Just a man, but I’m giving everything.
We’re here only for a second
and then we’re gone when we least expect it. 
So do more than survive. 
Let’s live like we’re alive! 

This world, we’ve gotta let it go. 
This life is out of our control. 

So here I stand. I’m ready for anything. 
Just a man, but I’m giving everything. 
We’re here only for a second
and then we’re gone when we least expect it.
So do more than survive. Let’s live like we’re alive! 


Tuesday, May 8, 2012

"The End" May Be The Start of a Sequel

I remember back when I was in college and Ronald Reagan was elected president the first time.  He wasn't a popular presidential choice at UNC that year.  It was difficult not to get caught up in the drama of it all.  I remember one guy in my dorm in particular, who was devastated when he heard the outcome of the election.  He wasn't anyone I knew well, but I have always remembered his reaction and can almost still channel his emotion of that day.  He said he might as well just go and pack his bags, because he knew the draft was coming back!  I can't properly convey the feeling, but it was a dramatic reaction.  He felt it strongly and purely.  I felt his fear and it really impacted me.  There was an air of doom, and a feeling of powerlessness.  I remember just feeling sad for everyone.....and also scared of what was to come.

Let's fast forward to now and look back at that time.  Nope, that guy never was sent to war against his will. Ronald Reagan was actually OK as president, and probably is one of our more beloved presidents of all time.  Most of us graduated from college without incident.  The economy improved, and we entered the post-college world in good spirits.  And for most of us in college at that time, life has been pretty good.

So many things in my life have seemed like that.  When I think the bottom has fallen out from under me, I find that the sub-floor contains some pretty cool things.  Maybe not what I expected, but sometimes exactly what I needed comes at me in a way that stuns and delights. 

That's my hope with Amendment One.  I don't think that the story is over yet in NC. And I believe that eventually good things will come out of it all.  Maybe not the things that are expected....but things that I believe are truly honoring to God and in line with His plan for our world.  The good that I see is that people took stands and publicly stated what they believed.  That doesn't happen enough these days, and especially in North Carolina.  What is really scary are things that lurk in the dark.  And when things come out in the light, when you know what other people are thinking, and they know what you are thinking, you can really have good conversations and figure out the solution to problems.  Unless your passion and your self-centeredness blinds you to the people around you, and their fears, their hopes, their dreams, their needs.  My hope for us all is that we see each other, that we listen to each other, and that we respect each other as we continue the conversations.

When I read, on occasion I will read a book and be so disappointed when it comes to an end.  I get to know the characters and love them, and don't want to leave their lives.  How I relish when a sequel to it comes along....seeing them in a slightly altered place, a slightly altered situation, but having the old familiarity.  We have finished one book, and begun the sequel.  Let us be the characters that are the heroes, and be used to save our world.


“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
Shel Silverstein
“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.  But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.”
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
  “The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope.”
Psalm 34:18 (CEV)
Love to you all......and hugs to all who need them!   

Friday, May 4, 2012

Remembering Claire

Claire Mangum met my sister Deryn over the phone.  Her family was moving to Statesville and she called about an apartment and a friendship began that lasted through the rest of her life.

I met Claire on the phone, too.  A little different circumstance a few years later.  The Children's Museum was doing a Victorian Tea Party for mothers and daughters and I was asked to host the event.  Only after I agreed, was I was told I needed to dress Victorian.  Probably something that should have occurred to me from the start, but it hadn't.  Not exactly part of my wardrobe.  It put me in a panic.  I told my sister my dilemma and she said "You need to call my friend Claire.  She'll take care of you."

I hate calling people on the phone in general, really hate calling people I don't know....but to have to call a complete stranger and say "Hi, I'm Kim.  Can I borrow some clothes?"  I just couldn't imagine.  I tried to get Deryn to call for me, but she just rolled her eyes at me (anyone who knows Deryn can just see that, can't you?) and said "Here's her number, just call her.  There's no reason for me to be in the middle of it."

So I reluctantly made the call....knowing that she was going to think I was a crazy person.  But when I called, she didn't seem to think it was an odd request at all.  She said "Come on over tonight....I think I do have some things that will work."  My first meeting with her, therefore, was showing up at her house trying on clothes.  You know it's a good girlfriend if they let you borrow their clothes.... so we had that kind of relationship from the start!  Once we figured out the wardrobe, she walked me out to my car and we spent two hours standing out in her yard talking.  When I returned the clothes, same thing.  Great conversation.  Even years later we would bring up something we had talked about during that time.   

Claire was one of those people I wouldn't see for a while, then would run into out of the blue.  She seemed to change her look a lot, so sometimes I didn't even recognize her.  She always noticed me.  I'd be walking around the library, totally absorbed in the books around me.  Up would pop Claire.  With book recommendations if I was having trouble.  Walk around town, up would pop Claire.  Always, always, always, the day would be better just having seen her.  Even through the worse stresses, she found the positives.  I loved her dearly.  Odd considering we never ever seemed to get our schedules in sync to spend much time together.  Most of our encounters were by chance.

In July of 2010 Claire was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.   I remember when she told me.  We were downtown at some event and I ran into her at Sabine's....maybe the Art Crawl?   I don't recall for sure.  But I remember looking her in the face, I remember focusing on her words, with lots of activity around me, and just being in a state of disbelief.  Claire?....she apologized that she was having to give me the news!!!!!  Made me sit down.  Then she proceeded to tell me the plan of care, and her determination and positive attitude made me know that as grim as it sounded, that Claire was going to beat this nasty stuff.  And try she did!

Claire lost her war with cancer last night, but she won so many of the battles along the way.  Since her diagnosis, Claire has done a lot of living and done a lot of loving.  You'd be exhausted to hear the list of things she did.  She ran the after school program at the Renaissance School, and did it as long as she possibly could.  It comforted her to be able to stay involved with those kids, to teach them and love on them. (What an inspiration she must have been to their lives.)  She enjoyed great quality time with her family, lots of fun time with friends.  Whenever I would see her, she would hug me and tell me she loved me.....and I would hug her and tell her that in return.  I don't think there was a moment through the whole ordeal where she didn't know how very much she was loved.  There is much beauty in that.

Claire would want me to encourage you to keep up your physicals, pay attention to your body, to talk frankly to your doctor about anything unusual that is going on with your health (even if you don't think it is real important), and most importantly to get your colonoscopy (or at the very least fecal occult tests)!!!!   I promise you if you take that nasty prep drink for your colonoscopy and use it as a toast to Claire and to life, it will make it go down a bit easier.

For years I have joked that whenever butterflies fly around my head, it makes me feel like a Disney princess.  Claire's special symbol was a butterfly.....and you know, she was just a Disney princess kind of woman.  Kind and generous, with a beautiful smile, a contagious joy, an open heart, a willing spirit, someone who loved well and often, caring more about others than she did herself.  If you were not her friend, I am convinced it was only because you never met her. And if that is the case, I am so sorry.  You missed out!

Our earth is missing some extra joy today.....and will forevermore.  Claire personified life.  As she entered heaven, I have a feeling she already knew some of the angels on a first name basis.  The others she probably knows now.  And a celebration is going on.....I'm thinking it may be to Irish music.

As I see butterflies, I will remember Claire.  When you do, too, know that it is a smile sent down from our own Disney princess, with great love and a hug especially for you.  And a reminder ...come out of that cocoon, be proud of your beautiful self, get out there and fly, and see and experience the world around you!  Life is for living.  Just like Claire did.



Thursday, May 3, 2012

A Good Drive and Back Home

Most know I love to travel.  Flying is my preference.....generally because it means I am headed somewhere of some distance, which usually means a culture that is different than my norm.  I walk into an airport and instantly relax.  Well, once I get through the TSA line, which is only an issue because I go a bit nuts at the inefficiency of all of the people in front of me (have liquids out, laptops out, jackets off, shoes off, boarding pass and id in hand and don't hold up my line!!!!)   Though I agree that most of the screening is unnecessary, it doesn't bother me. If it takes them seeing me nekkid to get on a plane, there we go.  All in the price of admission.

But on occasion you just have to go on a good car trip.  I've been car tripping most of my life.  Born in Massachusetts, with my Dad's family in NC, we headed here regularly.  Generally driving through the night, so we kids could sleep on a mattress in the back of a Rambler and not get into screaming matches because we touched or looked at each other.  No seatbelts ever used, to my recollection.  (I first began using seat belts on a regular basis in 1983 when one of the 15-year old boys I was housemother for, at  Grandfather Children's Home where I worked, saw the scary driver's ed films and made me promise I would always wear mine.  I was 21 at the time.  So far I have kept my promise!)

The rule in Bob McKinney's car was that you had to last through a tank of gas.  "Last" means no bathroom breaks, no food (except for occasional packed snacks, taken care of by Mom), no leg stretching.  If you stopped for gas, that was your chance to do everything.  Quickly.  I still tend to follow this philosophy.

This  weekend I do a whirlwind trip I have done several times....I travel to Louisville to see my friends Kathy and Ed.  I drive on Friday, go to their Derby party on Saturday, and drive back home on Sunday.  And yes, it is worth it!

The drive is always fun for me, despite the fact that I am always alone for this trip.  Maybe that even makes it more pleasurable in one way.  The joy is in the journey, and not in the company.  I get to drive through the mountains.  A nice relaxing drive.  Amazing scenery.  An easy pace.  I usually have a couple of audiobooks.  A good audiobook....is some of the world's best entertainment.  Which is why you must take several, because the wrong voice reading an audiobook is like nails on a chalkboard!  But getting one that engrosses you for hours....pure pleasure.

My phone sometimes gets a workout.  That's one time people know that I will have my phone with me, have it on, and won't mind talking on it.  (Unless they call at a good point in the book!)  I don't like talking on the phone most of the time, so generally try to avoid it.  Which means conveniently  not having my phone within hearing distance.  But while driving, it actually seems pleasurable.  And I have found I can actually talk through states.

There is also time for thinking.  And time for not thinking.  Which seems like a luxury.  Time for appreciating the things I see on the side of the road, and time appreciating when everyone is driving over the speed limit.  (OK, a flaw.  There is much I have to work on in my life and we haven't started working on the excessive speeding discipline yet.)  

When I get to Louisville, I will be excited to see my friends.  And excited to see their friends, who I have gotten to know after attending several of these parties.  Where only the main Derby race is on TV in NC, in Louisville festivities are on for the week.  Or probably much longer.  I generally watch it most of the day on Saturday.  The first part where people gather.....a sight in their hats and (sometimes) matching outfits.  Like watching the pre-festivities of an awards show....with a different style of fashion.  Then all the races.  Who knew there were so many?  We bet small amounts and I never win money, though on occasion I win the scratch off cards (for "Place" and "Show").  No...I never win with those either.  But we eat and we drink (And by the way, mint juleps just sound like they would taste good....they are not at all.  But I do know why people just sip them!) and enjoy the day.    The type of easy Southern hospitality that seems like it should be in a Norman Rockwell painting.

Driving home always brings that feeling of both melancholy and joy.  I miss my friends who live far away and treat me as a most loved visitor.  I miss being somewhere different and enjoying what life is like there. I think of  the week ahead and dread the routine and responsibilities of real life.  But really, I don't usually mind coming home, wherever I have been.  Home is formed inside out.  And reinforced outside in.  It's not just the house, it's not the geography, it's not even the people.  Home is the base where we choose to find rest, to find joy, and to be at peace.  Home is the place where we choose to build a life of contentment.  And hang out until our next adventure. 


Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My Thoughts on Amendment 1

I really didn't want to write on this subject, though have prayerfully considered it for quite a while.   Amendment One to the NC Constitution, scheduled to be voted on through May 8.  The arena has been loud, and those I love and respect are supporting each side of the issue.  But while I have listened to many of the views of both sides, I think I may look at it a bit differently.  So I will share my thoughts.  I don't do this to say that anyone is wrong in how they are voting or that I am right.  But this is where I am today.  And until the time I place my vote, I will listen and think and pray and remain open to changing and being changed. 

(And by the way, I am writing this in spite of my obnoxious friend Al, who said I was "wishy washy" when it comes to politics.  I do feel "wishy washy" currently, not because I am a person of few opinions, but because I am a person who has little passion for this election.  And while that frustrates me, I also cannot create thoughtful opinions or passion when I have none.  And while I love my opinionated friends, I absolutely hate when they demand certain behaviors of me in their time and not respect that I must do things in my own.  Because they should know that I try not to be a coward nor someone who lives in a closet, but someone who tries to live her life consistently and truthfully and thoughtfully, in front of the world.  And as I feel led by God, not forced by people.  And yes Al, you are probably one of the few people I would ever call out publicly in quite this way...so you are still special!)

I really like that we live in a democracy.  I love the idea of one citizen, one vote.  And I believe we should be seen as equal under the law.  As individuals.  Our State of NC Constitution seems to support this.  It says "We hold it to be self-evident that all persons are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, the enjoyment of the fruits of their own labor, and the pursuit of happiness." 

As part of this line of thinking of equal persons, in a democracy I don't understand why marriage should matter to our government at all.   I think we should all should count as equal citizens.  Not as couples.  Not as families.  But individuals.   No more rights to the married, no more responsibility.  No fewer rights for the married, no less responsibility.  

The amendment itself confuses me.  Here is the actual text from the ballot "Constitutional amendment to provide that marriage between one man and one woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in this State."

I still haven't received a definition for what a "domestic legal union" is.  It's my understanding that it isn't currently defined under the law.  I know what a "domestic partner" is, I know what a "civil union" is.....just don't know what they are talking about when they say "domestic legal union."  To know what each word means is important when we are voting for something.  Assuming you know what they mean in a legal sense is dangerous.  Not having it fully defined means that it is open to being questioned.  In court.  Many, many times.  And while I have more lawyer friends than the average person, I would prefer they not have the extra work.  At least not work of this kind.  Surely there is a better use of their time....and brilliant minds (well, some of them have brilliant minds)...and our tax dollars.

I am a huge believer in marriage before God.  I would love to be married one day.  So far the man that I could be married to has been quite elusive and so I am not sure that it will ever happen (and I am quite OK with that.  Most days.)  But as a Christian if I marry that relationship will be between me and that person and God.  I don't feel that there need to be any other parties involved.  Especially our government.  I would prefer there not be a legal requirement for marriage.   Or domestic unions.  Or anything that changes the privileges and rights of people because of who they choose to live in union with.   I'd prefer we all remain as individuals under the law.  But I do love the concept and the reality of biblical marriage and think perhaps it may mean more if it was faith based and not government based. 

I think Amendment One was proposed to be inflammatory.  To make a statement.  Not to make things better for citizens or change something that needed to be changed.  Why do we need this amendment?  How many of our tax dollars have gone into this?  And for what real purpose?   I just don't understand the need.  Or the expenditure of our money.

Will Amendment One change society?  Will it lead more people to follow my Lord?  Will it lead to people being more open to the voice of the Holy Spirit?  Will it lead to stronger marriages, less divorce, more great role models for our children?  Will it draw our state closer to God?  Will it lead people to sin less?  Repent more?  Treat each other better?  I don't think so.

I hadn't read our NC Constitution in a while, but felt like it was necessary since I was going to vote on amending it.  I think it says some pretty great stuff.   It begins....

"NORTH CAROLINA STATE CONSTITUTION
PREAMBLE
We, the people of the State of North Carolina, grateful to Almighty God, the Sovereign Ruler of Nations, for the preservation of the American Union and the existence of our civil, political and religious liberties, and acknowledging our dependence upon Him for the continuance of those blessings to us and our posterity, do, for the more certain security thereof and for the better government of this State, ordain and establish this Constitution.



ARTICLE I
DECLARATION OF RIGHTS
That the great, general, and essential principles of liberty and free government may be recognized and established, and that the relations of this State to the Union and government of the United States and those of the people of this State to the rest of the American people may be defined and affirmed, we do declare that:
Section 1. The equality and rights of persons.
We hold it to be self-evident that all persons are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, liberty, the enjoyment of the fruits of their own labor, and the pursuit of happiness."



God chose to give us a choice to follow him.  I think the words of our Constitution are words that God approves of.  I agree that our world is so very full of sin and many have chosen to go their own way (I look in the mirror.)  There are certainly consequences for that .....consequences that will impact us all.  My personal plan is to pray for both myself and my friends.  To love them, and challenge them, and encourage them to listen to the voice of His Spirit.  To see Him work in their lives.  I hope they do the same for me. One thing I have found..... the issues I may condemn in other people may not be what God wants to work on in their lives right now.  Let that be between them and in tune with God's perfect sense of timing and priority. 

I have not done an extensive personal study on what God says about homosexuality.  Quite honestly, I am lazy and since I happen to be heterosexual, other issues seem more important for me to study.  Like controlling my tongue.  Like gluttony.  Like being humble in spirit.  I admit avoiding the issue is somewhat purposeful, too.  Yeah, possibly a cop-out.  A long time ago I told God that I just don't have the clarity that others seem to have with regard to the issue.  I asked him to change my heart or illuminate my mind if necessary.   I love my friends who happen to be gay and if asked my opinion of their lifestyle, would encourage them to study scripture to see what God reveals to them.  When they approach with open hearts, I trust the Holy Spirit to show them truth.  The minute the Spirit changes my heart on that plan of action, I will change my behavior.  But until I have that clarity, that's all I've got.  My gay friends are treated just like all of my other very sinful friends.  I am not known as a "yes man" with my friends.  I try to be truthful and honest and not tell people just what they want to hear.  And I want my friends to be truthful with me and not hide their sins and/or perceived sins.  No need to hide from another big fat sinner!  But when any are struggling with any issue, I hope I will always encourage them to seek truth.  And if I can help them find it, I will.  If I am involved in your life and you are a Christian, I do have the responsibility to gently tap you on the shoulder when I notice things that may be unbecoming to the person you should be.  My non-Christian friends will probably point out that I do that to them, too.  Hopefully it always comes from love.  And truth.  And is Holy Spirit directed, not via the mob.  The reality is that sometimes it is just more about me than about you.  I trust you will see beyond me and look to God to reveal to you His thoughts.   

Personally I would rather all of us more distracted by the Spirit than by poorly written amendments to our constitution that are intended to point out sin and yet drive people from God instead of pointing people to Him.  Our country needs to change.  That's evident to me.  But the biggest way I can make change in our country is to change myself.  There's a lot in me that needs to change.  And I will be changed.  How about you?  It will be a struggle for me, for I am not only a sinner, but a self-centered one.

I see hearts on both sides of the issues with regard to this amendment and I think they are well intentioned.  My prayer for us all is that we listen to God, and that we vote our conscience.  And regardless of the outcome of that vote that we, the people of North Carolina, be grateful to our Almighty God for our civil, political and religious liberties....and fight to retain them.  The good news is that God is bigger than government.  And smarter than we are.

"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly with your God."    Micah 6:8