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Thursday, July 31, 2014

Counting the Cost of Healthcare

My niece went to the dentist the other day. She's new to this adult thing, and like many of us (even those much older!), trusts healthcare providers to help her make good decisions. They told her they needed to take x-rays because it had been a while since she had them taken. She agreed....they are the experts and they said it was necessary. Later on, after the x-rays had been taken, the dentist told her that her insurance "probably" wouldn't cover the additional panoramic x-rays they had taken. They never told her what it would cost her, never explained in advance they weren't covered by her insurance, and never talked to her about why they found them necessary until after they were taken.

I was a bit frustrated when I heard her accounting of it. Knowing insurance as I do, I know that panoramic x-rays are covered....if necessary and usually on a schedule that is consistent with (or more generous than) the guidelines established by the American Dental Association. Essentially they were telling her they couldn't make a case for the coverage of it with her insurance company...but they assumed that she (a college student) would just pay for it. Without knowing the cost beforehand. Without consideration of her having a voice in the decision at all.

I had a situation that was somewhat related a couple of years ago when I was in the process of deciding what kind of braces I was going to get....either traditional wire or Invisalign. I had been told the result would be a bit better with traditional, but I would need to see an oral surgeon before I did that because I would need teeth pulled. I made an appointment for a consultation with the oral surgeon.

I admit I am a bit of  pain-in-the-rear patient for a provider who does not like an involved patient. I see myself as an integral part of any decision that concerns my health....so ask a lot of questions and want to, as much as I am able, understand what is going on with my body and exactly what is expected from my treatment. Luckily I have found providers who respect my questions and don't make me feel like a weirdo for asking them. Well OK, sometimes they think I am a weirdo, but they humor me!

Having been in the insurance industry in some capacity for over 30 years, I also see myself as a consumer of healthcare. Yep, I often ask how much things cost. Before they deliver the service. I also try to determine if I think the service is necessary. Yes, I trust my providers, but I also know I look at life differently than a lot of people. What they may see as necessary, I may feel is not. There are risks with most procedures.....do I want to take that risk? I want veto power over everything, and also the ultimate responsibility for what is done to me. I believe if I am passive, not only can my care possibly not meet my needs, but I know healthcare can become more expensive for all of us. I am passive too often (it's exhausting)....so I apologize for those times I don't question things....not for the times I do.

Anyway, my oral surgeon visit....I was there on time, a copy of my panoramic x-ray in hand. No one was in the waiting room, but it took a very long time for them to call me back. In fact, I thought perhaps I was in a ghost town. When they finally did call me (and no other patient seemed to be in the office at the time), the oral surgeon seemed to only see my mouth. He didn't introduce himself or talk directly to me. He ordered his assistant to take another panoramic and quickly left the room. Not a word said to me. I was stunned.

The assistant appeared shocked herself when I said "Did he said he wanted another panoramic? I just had one. No....I don't want another one. My insurance won't cover it and I don't want the extra exposure to radiation." She told me I would have to talk to him about it. Thirty minutes later he came back into the room. He acted like I was being unreasonable. Maybe I was....I didn't care. I believe in myself when it comes to this stuff. He finally said he would do the panoramic without charge. I said "Can you also do it without radiation?" He got angry. I knew by then he was not a doctor I could respect....so I just left as quickly as possible. Livid that I felt that he disrespected me and probably many other patients. I went for the Invisalign braces and never regretted that decision.

I once went to visit an allergist and was charged for an "intermediate" office visit. I didn't even sit down in his office. What would have been a "short" office visit with that guy? He didn't examine me at all. I went in, he asked what my problem was, I said I was having severe headaches, he said allergies don't cause headaches, and wrote me a referral to neurologist. (I never did see that neurologist. It turned out the sweetener in some sugar-free mints was causing the headaches and I figured that out myself. Isn't that an allergy of sorts? I never saw that allergist again. I am allergic to grass, I mow grass, and get headaches. Don't tell me they are not related.)

When diagnosed with restless legs syndrome I was given a new medication that was also used for multiple sclerosis. It was very expensive and very strong. I knew day one it was not good for my body. The doctor told me to stay on it for a month. I lasted two weeks....maybe. I decided the treatment was worse than the condition. It was a couple of years later that my regular nurse practitioner (who was out of the country at the time I got the other medication) prescribed another medication for me.....it costs me less than $3 a month. It changed my life. (I began to sleep again!) Why wasn't that drug the first one that was offered?

We've become a nation that will drive across town to save a quarter on a gallon of milk, but we don't ask what our MRI costs before we get it. We don't ask the cost of a prescription. We don't seek the least costly treatments first. We don't know what the cost of an office visit with our doctor is compared to the doctor next door. Many of our doctors often don't know the cost of our office visit or the medication they prescribe either (trust me....I have asked.) I understand it is complicated....the charge depends on whether you have insurance or not and which insurance you have. Oh....and the cost is not your copay. What is important is the total charge. I guarantee if you ask, you will be surprised at how much some things and how little is paid for others.

I see both the good and the bad of our healthcare system, and have no brilliant solutions for how we can make things work perfectly, but one thing we can each do....we can become better consumers. We can ask what things cost. We can ask why we need particular services. We can question ourselves as to whether we think that the benefits are worth the cost of the treatment. We can be our own advocates, and trust that we are an expert on ourselves.  And we can challenge our providers, as very busy and stressed as they are, to know the cost of the care they give and the drugs they prescribe.

I believe my niece is going to be a great healthcare consumer. She is listening and learning with each encounter. Her dad is asking her a lot of tough questions that are not allowing her to look at it all passively, that are requiring that she question the system. I know she hates it. I still do, too. But it is important. Not just to her pocketbook, but to the pocketbook of us all. It's important to the quality of care she will receive. Positive change doesn't usually happen when we are passive, but when we get up on our high-horse a bit and require that it happen. Our healthcare system can use quite a bit of positive change. Let's make it better.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Putting the Happy in the Birthday

Not to brag, but Google is celebrating my birthday today! They had this picture waiting for me. Thanks Google! You know I love you more than anyone, huh?
 
So it's my birthday. I am 54 today. A bit weird to think about, stunning even, but I believe having the opportunity to live a lot of years on this earth is a good thing. I am not ashamed of the age, but instead grateful. Good thing, since there would be no way to escape it. I am surrounded by a lot of people who have known me for a lot of years, and they would gleefully call me out on it if I did!

I've had some bad birthdays over the years. Not a lot, but enough that the last time it happened (which wasn't that long ago) I did a bit of self analysis. I realized I was expecting other people to put the happy into my birthday.

My large family has never been big on celebrating the birthdays of adults (though hopefully every kid has great memories of wonderful celebrations, even if Aunt Kim's gifts rarely make it to them on the day.) I know without a doubt that my mom will call and sing to me today, and I expect I will hear from most of the siblings (OK...I had better hear from all) and some of the nieces and nephews. But that is the extent to our family celebrations. No complaints here, because I am notorious for forgetting important days in general and I would be a constant disappointment to everyone if  they depended on me to remember and lead the celebrations. There is no pressure in our family for birthdays and I like that.

But I have had a few birthdays that have come around and I realized I had absolutely no plans of any sort of celebration. No one had mentioned doing anything, and it just creeped up on me, and really when I realized it....well, it was a bit embarrassing that I had no plans. What do you do, say at the last minute "It's my birthday, will someone celebrate with me?" I once thought that would be horrifying, but now I think it would be perfectly appropriate!

When that has happened in the past I admit there are times I had a pity party for one. It made it a day of sadness instead of a day of celebration of the wonderful life I was given. That is not how I now choose to live. (And yes, I believe if you do spend your birthday in sadness, it is your choice. And it is not one of your better choices.)

I am not the only one who has experienced those feelings.....I know! Not that we will often publicly admit it. It is a point of shame. We human beings are quite silly about such things.

While often my lack of plans have to do with the simple fact of being single and everyone thinking I have all sorts of wonderful and exciting things going on (Ha!), others experience the letdown of having spouses, kids, and significant others fail to meet their birthday expectations. Sometimes they hijack "my day" and make it about them. Or just not about us. They love you, or proclaim they love you, but you're not feeling it. They don't think for a minute of how you would most like to celebrate. They plan something, but it is what they want to do and not what you want to do. They refuse to leave their comfort zone for even a minute to make the day special for you.

You think I am going to blast them, huh? Truth is, you own your birthday (as you do all of your days.) They are a gift to you from God. They should all be celebrated, and you should plan the celebration, and not depend on others to make it happy for you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't accept someone else planning a celebration on your behalf....gratefully accept it and enjoy it. Grade them on a curve if it is not exactly how you would do it. People fall short at this for a lot of reasons. It isn't necessarily an indication of how much they care....or don't care. Sometimes it is just a difference in how they view birthdays.....or the fact that they are pre-occupied with things that have nothing to do with you. (Yeah, sometimes that pre-occupation is with themselves. It happens. With most of us. We're basically self-centered sinners.) Sometimes they freeze because they are like deer in the headlights....they know they need to do something, but can't decide what. Other times it a time to be passive-aggressive, for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with you. Regardless, it is definitely not something to waste much of your life grieving about! (And some of you, of us, have spent valuable time obsessing on this....admit it!) Take back the ownership of your day. Don't try to force them to make you happy. That's an impossible task.

The celebration of you by others (or lack thereof) doesn't have to be the extent of your own celebration. If it is not the way you prefer to celebrate your life, throw your own birthday party. You can even be the only guest! It doesn't even have to be on the day. Just ask yourself "what makes me feel alive and full of joy and grateful to God for my gift of life?"....and do it!

Really I am not whining about my lousy life here, because as most of you know (and I definitely do) my life is more than wonderful and worthy of great celebration. I am well loved. I celebrate that. Since I have taken ownership for my birthdays, they have become much more enjoyable. Mostly because now I see the celebration as my job and the focus of my day. I will be grateful for all I have been given. I will be happy, I will be joyful. For me, how the hours are spent are not nearly as important as my state of mind as I celebrate them. More than any other say of the year I want to focus on the fact that life is a gift, and is so, so good!

My plans for my day are to get a massage from my awesome friend Diana, and then she is taking me out to lunch. We also plan to get our nails done. Tonight I get to attend a birthday party celebrating my friend Patrice, for whom it is one of those special "end in 0" birthdays. She is a great gift to my life, so what a great opportunity!

At some point today I plan to eat cake. Good cake. Chocolate. One of the "bad" birthday memories that most makes me laugh about myself is the birthday I cried because the day was totally uneventful and I DIDN'T EVEN GET CAKE! Oh, the tragedy! One of those times when I had that moment when I realized what I was doing and I was a bit horrified. I said to myself.  "Really?????? This is what is important to you?" (And my answer was yes. Sort of. But I had to laugh.)

But such "tragedies" are an easy thing to remedy. If I don't get my chocolate cake today (and I mean really good chocolate cake....bad cake is also tragic), I will prolong the celebration and eat it soon.  I now acknowledge I can celebrate my birthday any day because any day is a good day to celebrate the fact that we were born. Why limit it?

So happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to you. I am so glad we were born. Celebrate your life well...and thank God for the days and the years. You are the gift. Share yourself with the world. And bring the happy to your own party.

Friday, July 4, 2014

Independence


I think often we forget the name of this holiday is Independence Day. A great thing to celebrate. So much more than the 4th of July. Different than simply a day to celebrate freedom (which isn't so simple at all and definitely worthy of its own celebration). I forget the distinction myself often and in doing so I think I have missed an important lesson that it is worthy to re-visit more than once a year.

So many things bind us, both actual and imagined. We make the decision every day as to whether we will continue to answer to these things. They're not all bad. In fact, I would say that often the toughest things to break away from are those things which are inherently good. Some of the ties that bind us are made of pure love. They make us feel secure. They give us support to get through the day. They have given us strength in the past and made us what we are today.

But sometimes they also keep us from growth. They keep us from being brave. They keep us from being all we can be.

I remember when I graduated from college and it was time for me to truly support myself for the first time.  I have to give some credit to my parents here....as supportive as they were, they raised me to become independent. That's healthy parenting. I am sure there were many nights they worried. Though they did bail me out of a few financial issues, like a broken-down car from time to time, mostly they let me work it out myself. Yep, I resented it sometimes. I like being dependent. At least for some things. But having to face the fears of growing up is what gave me confidence....and pride....in my ability to handle an awful lot on my own. It gave me the ability to do more and be more.

When I was in my 20s I had a boss who still supported his children who were in their 40s. He paid their rent (or let them live in properties he owned), he paid their car payments, he paid for numerous college experiences that they either flunked out of or quit. He knew my paltry salary, and after a conversation in which I was telling him about some of my dollar stretching strategies he said "So your parents don't help you with your bills at all?"  I laughed and said "No!" He said "How did they do that?" I said  "They don't give us an option. They taught us that we're not owed anything. We work for what we get and if we don't have the money for it, we don't buy it." (To tell you the truth I don't think I had consciously known that myself until I told him!) I could tell the whole idea of this was foreign to him.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about some of the things that bind us. Opinions. Expectations. Relationships. Jobs. Family. Money. Stuff. Past mistakes. History. Adequacy. Fear. Religious traditions that are not religious truth. 

What is keeping you from becoming better, from living your purpose? From what do you need to declare your dependence and move on independently? You were created as a unique individual, with your own worth. Your own purpose. What trail do you need to blaze? Take a lesson from our forefathers and consider, is it time to declare your own Independence Day, and live in "the land of the free and the home of the brave"?

Take a read of what our forefathers were thinking at the time of our country's independence, which we celebrate today. Does any of it ring true in your life? Here's to your own personal Independence Day....and life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness! Let the fireworks begin...and if necessary, let's blow something up!


The Unanimous Declaration Of The Thirteen United States of America

In Congress, July 4, 1776
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness; that, to secure these rights, governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed; that whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.
He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.
He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and, when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.
He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them, and formidable to tyrants only.
He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.
He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing, with manly firmness, his invasions on the rights of the people.
He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining, in the mean time, exposed to all the dangers of invasions from without and convulsions within.
He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.
He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.
He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.
He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies, without the consent of our legislatures.
He has affected to render the military independent of, and superior to, the civil power.
He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution and unacknowledged by our laws, giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:
For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us;
For protecting them, by a mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states;
For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world;
For imposing taxes on us without our consent;
For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury;
For transporting us beyond seas, to be tried for pretended offenses;
For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries, so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these colonies;
For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments;
For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.
He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.
He has constrained our fellow-citizens, taken captive on the high seas, to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.
He has excited domestic insurrection among us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes, and conditions.
In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms; our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
Nor have we been wanting in our attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them, from time to time, of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity; and we have conjured them, by the ties of our common kindred, to disavow these usurpations which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too, have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity which denounces our separation, and hold them as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.
WE, THEREFORE, the REPRESENTATIVES of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in General Congress assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the authority of the good people of these colonies solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British crown and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved; and that, as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

[Signed by] JOHN HANCOCK [President]
New Hampshire 
JOSIAH BARTLETT, 
WM. WHIPPLE, 
MATTHEW THORNTON.

Massachusetts Bay
SAML. ADAMS,
JOHN ADAMS,
ROBT. TREAT PAINE,
ELBRIDGE GERRY

Rhode Island
STEP. HOPKINS,
WILLIAM ELLERY.

Connecticut
ROGER SHERMAN, 
SAM’EL HUNTINGTON, 
WM. WILLIAMS, 
OLIVER WOLCOTT.

New York
WM. FLOYD, 
PHIL. LIVINGSTON, 
FRANS. LEWIS, 
LEWIS MORRIS.

New Jersey
RICHD. STOCKTON, 
JNO. WITHERSPOON, 
FRAS. HOPKINSON, 
JOHN HART, 
ABRA. CLARK.

Pennsylvania
ROBT. MORRIS
BENJAMIN RUSH,
BENJA. FRANKLIN,
JOHN MORTON,
GEO. CLYMER,
JAS. SMITH,
GEO. TAYLOR,
JAMES WILSON,
GEO. ROSS.

Delaware 
CAESAR RODNEY, 
GEO. READ, 
THO. M’KEAN.

Maryland
SAMUEL CHASE,
WM. PACA,
THOS. STONE,
CHARLES CARROLL 
of Carrollton.

Virginia
GEORGE WYTHE,
RICHARD HENRY LEE,
TH. JEFFERSON,
BENJA. HARRISON,
THS. NELSON, JR.,
FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE,
CARTER BRAXTON.

North Carolina
WM. HOOPER,
JOSEPH HEWES,
JOHN PENN.

South Carolina
EDWARD RUTLEDGE,
THOS. HAYWARD, JUNR.,
THOMAS LYNCH, JUNR.,
ARTHUR MIDDLETON.

Georgia
BUTTON GWINNETT,
LYMAN HALL,
GEO. WALTON.


The Smile Underneath

I was talking on the phone at work to this lady about Medicare supplements when she said her husband had a few questions for me. He was a definite character and his questions all began with a story. A rather long story, that didn't lead to an obvious point. I could feel the impatience of his wife through the phone line and hear her urging him to wrap it up. He started protesting "She called me to the phone, now she doesn't want me to ask my questions." It was obvious that she just didn't want to hear his stories.....again. They continued to quibble, until he finally asked his questions, and she dismissed him. I could hear him protesting and grumbling as he walked away. He had more to say but she felt like he had said enough. He had. From that little exchange, though, I could feel the love between them.....and the smiles in their voices as they argued with each other and were so good for each other. It made me smile, too.

We all know that everyone is made up of their internal and their external. What we see on the outside is often very different than what would be seen on the inside. Relationships are like that, too. Relationships, like people, have character. What is important is not who people are when everyone is looking, but who they are when no one is looking. Or who they are when they don't think people are paying attention. The little moments show the roots of the relationship.

These roots are fed by two (or more) people, who come to the relationship with "their stuff". Are our roots allowing the other person (people) in the relationship to thrive, or are we choking the life out of them? It's one of the things in life I find to be most interesting.

Below the surface some people hide a tempest, which can rise quickly and unexpectedly. This can be shocking to see, scary and annoying, even when you understand that this tempest represents unresolved pain. To live with that tempest on the edge of eruption day after day is quite a difficult thing to maneuver. These folks walk through life with an internal volcano, dormant but brewing to active. How difficult is it to live with that in your belly? How difficult is it to live with that by your side? They don't care if they hurt others as they erupt, because they are so blind with pain that they can't see where the lava goes when the volcano finally erupts. The lava can cause a lot of damage, but usually they only notice the damage they suffer. Or they beat themselves up internally for the pain they know they cause, but won't admit it or apologize to the people they have hurt. Sometimes they do apologize afterward, and there are dramatic make-up gestures and promises. Still the cycle continues. Whether you are the volcano or the lava victim, how you go forward in the relationship reveals much about who you are. To stop the cycle, you have to become quite self-aware, difficult in the midst of constant volcanic activity. If you don't stop it, you sometimes also become a volcano, or a fire starter, or a big pile of ash. Sometimes if you are in a relationship with a volcano you have to move away from them, because the constant threat of volcanic activity makes creating a real life difficult.

Other people seem totally dispassionate about life and each other. They don't seem to care what the other thinks or feels, and many questions they are asked are answered with "whatever". They roll their eyes or speak passive-aggressive comments, but don't express what is really on their mind. They seem to have given up in one sense, but yet exist in limbo. They do nothing to improve things. Life could be worse, but it could be so much better. They exist in blah. It's interesting to watch for someone like me, who doesn't feel dispassionate about much (except perhaps manufactured drama.) Do they really not care? And what makes a person stay in a relationship (be it a love relationship or a friendship) with someone like this? Some would say low self-esteem. Maybe sometimes. But I think perhaps often they are kindred spirits, albeit maybe one a passive-aggressive one. Could it also sometimes be relational laziness?

Then there are the givers.....they give, and give, and give.....which would seem like it would be a great and awesome thing, until you're on the receiving end and just too exhausted trying to reciprocate. Sometimes the giving is based in a purity that is hard for "sinners" to match, and at other times they are playing to the crowd and waiting for the applause to begin. Sometimes there are underlying tones of dissatisfaction coming off the giver that others aren't living (or giving) up to their standards. You can't seem to win with them, but yet it's also difficult to confront. (You're mad because they're doing something good?) Often apathy sets in for the "less giving", and the "non-marathon giver" just decides to be a taker without worrying about reciprocation....or they start to spend their time with someone with whom the pressure is not as intense. The giver's position? "I give, and give, and give and no one ever appreciates it." Did you ever wonder why? Really?

Relationships are funny things. If we all were bathed in perfection, maybe they would be easy. It's difficult to realize that while it is easier to visually see where the other person is wrong, we can only effectively change when we allow ourselves to focus only on that person in the mirror. Not to say we can't be a change agent in the lives of others...we can and we should. But we don't usually do that by focusing on them. When we change ourselves, and live reflectively and positively, people notice. When we don't allow ourselves to feed bad behavior, sometimes it dies. You can't always ignore the bad, but helping someone see and develop their strengths as they minimize their weaknesses is the true picture of a good relationship.

This couple I mentioned earlier. The thing that I loved most about them was that underneath it all they encouraged the good in each other. They appreciated the strengths, recognized the weaknesses, but were each other's equilibrium. His gift of gab left unrestrained could have made him a bore, but she kept it in check so that his charm glowed. They were honest with each other and felt the freedom to argue with no consequences except good ones. They obviously had great affection and appreciation for each other. They worked as a team, even if a bit of a disjointed one. They talked and argued, agreed and disagreed, but underneath it all there was always a smile and passion for each other that overrode everything else. That smile underneath the facade made all the difference. He had her back, and she had his. It made their relationship steadfast, and comfortable, and gave them confidence. They were better together than apart.

We need to inflame the affection and burn the rubbish. We all come into relationships with a certain amount of baggage, carting around a caseload of issues. Love doesn't require perfection, but it is difficult for it to thrive without kindness. Smiling on them, showing you have recognized the special....people need that. It's what "your people" deserve. It's what you should require. Smiling on people takes root and grows and allows people to live in freedom, and perhaps gives them confidence to leave behind the baggage that has been weighing them down. There are enough people in life who give the message "You're not.....enough." What if our message is "You are....plenty" and we use words that affirm their value. With a smile that can be heard in our voice, and generates from the depths of our hearts. Don't be a doormat in your relationships, but also watch where you are stepping. There may be a body there.