Own, Share, or Release

I formed a philosophy for myself some time back. If I have an issue with someone, it is my responsibility to tell them. If I don't, it's my issue and not theirs. I own it, if I am not willing to share it. Or abandon it.

My practice of this is somewhat spotty. Confrontation is difficult.....especially confrontation when you care about the other person. Oh, give me a stranger who is being a jerk and I usually bring it right on the table. I am a righteous fighter....if I notice mistreatment of others or if mistreatment of me means others are probably also treated poorly, I can't seem to keep my mouth shut. I learned how to speak my mind young, and it flows. My adult goal is that it be with kindness. I think my stats now run over 50%. Finally. Maybe. But still.....I am confrontational. When necessary.

There are subjects in my mind that I will think need to be discussed, because they continue to fester in my head. But do they, just because they come to my mind? If I really examine it, is the timing right? Is the person ready to receive it? Am I in the frame of mind where I can speak with love and not anger or frustration? Am I ready to invest in helping them?  Is it really a big deal (and doesn't just feel like one because I am having a bad day)? Is this a battle I pick to invest in? While sometimes the answer to these questions is no, if you are a human being who invests in others, sometimes the answer also needs to be yes. Yeah, life's complicated.

Often I must face the fact that perhaps I am the one who needs to truly own my reaction to the issue. I am the one that needs to change. I am the one who needs to give up my "right" to be right. Or let an issue just die on the vine. Or admit I am just cranky. Sometimes sharing is not what I need to do.

Honesty is not always the best policy. Whoever first said that was dumb. Whoever repeats it is dumber. I don't mean that it is good to be dishonest, because no.....I abhor lies. Lying is not good. But because it is truth does not mean it always needs to be spoken. And you...oh wise one...do not have to always be the truth teller of the universe.

Sometimes "honesty" piles on to an already overwhelmed individual and further ties them up in knots. It is like this pile of jewelry I have that I can't seem to untangle....so beautiful, but the more I try to get it back to rights, the worse it gets. I don't usually solve the problem when I try. My brain is not good at looking at a mangle of knots and figuring out how to remove them. As this is the case, sometimes I am not the person who needs to be the one saying certain things to certain people. Even if they are true, and everyone else thinks so. Sometimes I just need to cut off the jewel and forget about the tangled chain. Sometimes I just need to throw it away.

There are a few people in my life that can very bluntly tell me something (criticism) and from them I hear love. They help me with their critical, but loving, words.There are not many of these people. Very few, in fact. Most others will issue the same criticism and it simply hurts. It is of no help at all. Not because we don't have a good relationship....sometimes especially because we do. I can't put it in perspective because they tie me up in knots. It is not that the criticism isn't valid....it very often is. But still, it doesn't help. We may thank the person (because that is what you are supposed to do, right?), but try not to let them see the tears in our eyes or the dismay they cause in our hearts. Usually they are totally oblivious to the fact that we do not consider it a gift. Sometimes their criticism adds to the problem and pulls us further away from the solution because they embarrass us, make us feel like a total disappointment, add to our insecurity and the obsession we already have with the issue, or just say things in a way that cut deep. Often we feel as though we are tangled jewelry, a bunch of knots with no value and no hopes of solving the problem.

Still, I don't aspire to be the friend that tells you what you want to hear. You've got enough of those in your life, I am sure. You may catch me rolling my eyes when they speak to you, in fact. I try to speak truth with those I love. I try to not give baseless compliments or false flattery. I hope I am not the endless truth-teller, though. The friend that won't ever let their truth about you take a rest or go away.

Sometimes it is my job to simply keep my mouth closed and not jump in the pile-on of all of your imperfections that others so "generously" catalog for you. Obviously if you are in my life, I see value in you. Let's talk about that more than all the other stuff. While my responsibility may be to tell you if I think you are spinning out of control, or hurting yourself or someone else, or making choices without fully considering the consequences, usually that responsibility is one conversation initiated by me. When you may be ready to listen. When it might be helpful. Not to go on and on and on and make it the center of our relationship. Who needs that? Maybe you just need a hug as you try to get through this week or this mood or this problem. Maybe you need a reminder of all of the good you are in my life and in the lives of others, so you can clear your head and deal with the bad from a positive base. Maybe you need to talk about it all night long and I need to listen.Maybe we just need sleep and a new day.

There are times I get so caught up in myself and my need to point out what I have observed, that I don't see I have crushed someone until it is too late (if at all). I'm working on that.

Let's think before we speak to each other. Do we need to say the words, change ourselves, or release it and go on? Whatever it is, you own it. Until you share it. And "share" implies you continue to have some sort of responsibility to them....not just to throw a heavy weight on their back, but to help them carry it. Unless you need to drop it and leave it behind. And maybe help them do the same.

The Cherry Weeps.....But Then Blooms

My precious yard guy and I had a discussion last summer. My weeping cherry had fallen victim to some sort of tree disease that was going around. Trees all over town were hit. The greenery died prematurely.  He looked at it and said "It's dead, Kim. You're probably going to have to get rid of it."

I love that tree. It's the perfect size, the perfect shape. I love where it sits in my yard, right above my glorious quince bush. (I just found out the name of that bush this year thanks to my Facebook friends. They teach me things all the time that I can't easily Google.) Whoever landscaped my yard did a wonderful job. The idea of losing this perfect tree was inconceivable, I just couldn't. 

So I denied it. I wouldn't believe it. I declared it was still alive. He gave me that indulgent "OK....we'll wait for now, but you'll see."

So I waited. It had no leaves the rest of summer or through the winter. With the warm weather, the quince bush below bloomed. Amazing, vibrant orange. But the weeping cherry was desolate in comparison. No blooms there.

Then this week. I was in the car, pulling out of my driveway, and looked in that direction. I saw cherry blooms. Not the normal covering, but some. There are signs of life there. You have to look a bit closer, but it is beautiful. It seems to be getting better. The blooms seem to be increasing.

It's interesting to me that this happens as we begin the countdown to Easter.....the celebration of rebirth. Sometimes we are that tree. Sick and hit by outside and inside plagues. Worn down and tired and a bit dead inside. And worn out. Ugly. Purposeless. Trying to find our joy, but we just can't touch it. And those who look at us do so with pitying eyes that see the disease, that see the death, and doubt our possibilities. Sometimes we believe them. Sometimes that inner glimmer shines just a bit, defiantly, and we refuse to live as dead.

Then it happens. We start to bloom. We come to life. Slowly,  but surely, we fight the blight. Sometimes beyond us works to make us the gorgeous vision of what we were meant to be. Even we seem a bit surprised of the change.

I love the message of Easter. I'm starting to enjoy observing the season of Lent. Anticipation of the dead coming back to life. The renewal of our purpose. The death of winter turning to the blooming of spring.

I've felt a bit of the blight lately. Tired and rundown. Emotional and a bit purposeless. I've been challenged by several to observe Lent in some very positive ways. To give away my stuff that sits unused. Let it have new life in someone else's hand.

The ladies of my church are going to focus on the simple act of walking. Together and on our own. Adding the disclipline of action. Maybe praying as we go, for ourselves and each other and our world. Maybe communing with God. Maybe encouraging each other. Maybe letting God encourage us. Maybe celebrating our bodies and where they are now, and where they can be if we treat them well. Maybe looking around and seeing needs we can meet.

Some people use Lent to give up things that have a hold on them, Just 40 days of this self denial can give new perspective. Especially if you replace it with positive things that free you.

I'm someone who easily loses focus. I need to constantly reset. This is not a bad thing. It is who I am and I know it about myself. It is who most of us are, I believe. We have short attention spans and we are prone to wander. I eventually re-evaluate and recommit to living my purpose, even as that purpose changes. Sometimes just moving forward in faith, not sure where God is leading me. I'm at that place now. Feeling like change is coming, and preparing to embrace it. To set the fear aside and live life well.

God is here. He leads me to good things. He reminds me he is bigger than people. That ultimately he is in control. And that which worries me or paralyzes me is in vain. He shows me that this short life can be long and eternal. We all change this world forever.....the question is how. Do we improve it, make it worse, or increase the mediocrity?

For now that weeping cherry tree is not weeping. It blooms. It is adding beauty to the world. What is ahead for it? I have no clue. But for today I will celebrate it and be glad I wasn't hasty to remove it. It brings me hope and contentment and a reminder that the experts and those who give us their opinions are sometimes wrong. It makes me smile. Sometimes you need to go with your gut and live in anticipation of the gift of rebirth. Joy.