Laying on the Loyal

"What is a disloyal act? A person is disloyal if he treats you as a stranger when, in fact, he belongs to you as a friend or partner. Each of us is bound to some special others by the invisible fibers of loyalty." -Lewis B. Smedes

“Where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved.”– Martin Luther
“I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can’t get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That’s in friendship, that’s a deal, that’s a commitment. Don’t give me paper – I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that’s for life..” – Jerry Lewis

“Some people treat
loyalty as a lamp:
they think, they can
just switch it on/off
and believe,
you won't notice
the difference...” 

- Veronika Jensen

One of the things I have learned in life is to be on the lookout for loyalty. It's a hard thing to describe, really, but important you learn to recognize it when you do see it. And even more important, when you don't.

It's different than friendship, different than love, different than trust....still it must be a part of all three. I love the quote by Lewis Smedes above that describes the disloyal....the friend ("special other") who treats you as a stranger. When you see that, it's confusing. Learn to recognize it as an easy indication that they are not loyal to you. 

With true loyalty there are those invisible fibers that tie us together to "our person", our "special other", "our people". Whatever the circumstances, whoever may be around, wherever we may be....they are loyal to us and we are loyal to them. When outside forces can change the relationship, loyalty is absent.

When loyalty is in action, you are bound as tightly to that person when they are away from you as when you are in the same room. Those invisible fibers? They stretch and they never break. When you are loyal they mean that a part of "your person" is always with you....and you'll protect and defend them as though they are by your side. You won't allow their character to be maligned, won't allow lies about them to be spread. You hurt if someone says something hurtful about them and you glow with pride when someone recognizes their worth.

Oh, you don't have to engage with every small minded person who chooses to speak ill of them. Often that would achieve nothing. But when this happens a loyal person would never agree with that person....or make it appear that they align with them and their opinion. It's also usually a sign that it is time to leave the toxic cloud and move on. But if it is a situation where others around may get a wrong view of "your person" that hurts their reputation or how other people view them, loyal friends speak up.

Loyalty does not mean you agree with "your person" all of the time, or condone all of their behavior or agree with all of their opinions. It does means that you want the best for them, you want the truth to be told about them, and that you are invested in their success. A loyal friend will always be ready to help someone be their best and tells them their true thoughts and opinions. Loyalty never requires someone to embrace wrong or lie on someone's behalf. When that occurs, it's misplaced loyalty.

As Jerry Lewis said, loyal people do not require contracts. Their words are backed with their honor. Want a clue as to whether someone is loyal to you? Watch them closely. It always is revealed in their character, in how they live their lives. Especially when they think you're not looking. It usually doesn't require much effort to see their true colors....if they are disloyal to others, they will probably be disloyal to you. Loyalty strengthens as it is exercised. It certainly is most easily revealed when the battle rages, but also there are signs of it in peace. It is a choice, and usually is a life's commitment. 

Look for the "special others" who wear their loyalty well....and hold on tight. But make sure you are giving them the same gift. They deserve it. And if you expect loyalty in others, you need to be willing to exercise it yourself. Get strong. Our world could use more loyalty in action. It's a beautiful thing.

Really Not That Funny

So I was Facebooking and added a comment to something a friend had posted, when I suddenly stopped myself that split second before I hit "Post." Truly, it was a funny comment. On the surface. But all if a sudden I realized that it also was derogatory to that person. And it was based on something superficial.

The person my friend had posted about is a public figure and there was absolutely no chance they would ever see it...,or probably would even care if they did. They are used to that sort of thing and either have developed a thick skin, don't spend excessive time on social media, or are just enamored with the fact that people know who they are. We don't hang out in the same circles and there are many layers of separation between our friend groups ((to my knowledge....maybe some of you do know them and have been holding out on me.) 

That was all beside the point   The comment crossed the personal boundaries I have set for myself. I don't want to be funny if it is unkind to other people. What if someone said the same thing about someone I loved? My claws would come out! When I realize that, maybe it's best not said.

I love humor, as does most of my family, so we're all pretty quick with a quip. It was much appreciated as I was growing up. Our household was funny. Sometimes I can be so quick, the thought comes out before I think about it. While funny, sometimes the comment is not appropriate to the audience or the situation. Sometimes it is insulting or mean. Not that I in any way intend for it to be that way....it's all said for humor. I figure people know that, and should not be offended. But the reality is that sometimes people are offended. And hurt. Their surface reaction doesn't matter. Often they will not ever let on...because that would mean they are not a good sport. Or then people would know they were hurting.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what is funny and what is not. And what is appropriate and what is not. Oh, I do appreciate the inappropriate. Perhaps too often. That doesnt't make it right.

The public nature of social media adds to the issue. What we say and do can be easily spread. Once it is out there, it is difficult take back. It can move outside of our control. A weak "I didn't mean it that way" won't stop it nor will "That was said to certain people in a certain context and you have destroyed that by reducing it to a meme." Few care. Or maybe that makes it funnier to them.

Humor is often at the expense of humiliating someone. It's been around for ages and it makes most of us laugh. Humor that is done to watch the reaction of people in certain situations (think Candid Camera.) If it embarrasses that person, or could embarrass that person, is it really funny? So OK....probably yes. But is the humor worth the cost?

I get very uncomfortable with jokes that are based on certain stereotypes or prejudices. How do you react to jokes that are based on race or sexuality? How about weight or appearance? Or age or religion? I still haven't figured out the best way. Yeah, sometimes I get on soapbox, but is that helpful? It hasn't seemed to be. I come off as a humorless zealot. But silence....does that help either? Is just not laughing enough? I confess to most often trying to divert the topic or change the subject. Mostly it makes me feel uncomfortable. Sometimes this humor has wings and if allowed to fly reinforces our most evil sides for generations. It brings people down and doesn't build any of us up.

This struggle is not something that is going away for me any time soon. I still will find inappropriate things to be funny. My mouth will still go into overdrive and say something funny without thought of the ripples it can create. My heart tells me that kindness should trump humor...even though that hasn't fully made its way to all areas of my brain yet. I still think in those situations I should consider how I would feel if I, or someone that I love (especially those who are the sensitive types), were the subject.

One day I might find the balance. Or figure out when it matters. Until then, forgive me for my transgressions and feel free to hold me accountable. And ignore it when I roll my eyes. That is probably evidence of my issue and not yours.

If You Were To Go Missing

It was one of those silly Facebook quizzes. "WHAT WOULD YOUR FRIENDS DO IF YOU WERE TO GO MISSING?" My friend Patsy did the quiz and next to my picture it said "Kim would cry helplessly."

So OK....I didn't find it amusing. Yes I got mad at a Facebook quiz. I think perhaps I took it a bit more seriously than intended. But my whole self screamed "Oh no, Kim wouldn't!!!!!"

Not that I wouldn't possibly cry. Patsy is my dear, sweet, precious friend and I am sure I would be upset and frustrated were she to go missing...crying would be a normal reaction. But helpless? Oh no. Not this woman. I wouldn't be. As soon as I heard the news my mind would start into overdrive. We would figure this thing out and find my friend.

I had to analyze my reaction a bit. I was a bit amused at my ire, but also a bit curious as to why it bothered me so much. I finally realized I absolutely hate feeling helpless. The thought that I can't do anything to change a situation? It is not something I accept easily. Yet so often, we just are.

I like to help. I like to solve problems. I like to feel smart. I like to be strong. Yet there are times when I can do none of those things....or they cannot change the situation.

So much in life is out of our control. Weather. Other people's actions or reactions. Feelings - ours or those of others. Death. Health. The hours in a day. Airlines. Someone else's child crying in a restaurant.

You would think that after a while we would get used to it. Acknowledge we are ultimately helpless. Accept that there are things that only God can control, that only God can change. But one of the most difficult things I have found in my relationship wth God is trusting during these times. I can acknowledge my lack of knowledge and lack of ability, but surrendering to God's will Is actively acknowledging that I cannot do anything about a situation....it does not come easily for me. It is against my nature. A sign of the constant battle I face in acknowledging God is God....and I am not.

I think part of my struggle is that I don't understand. I can't grasp why God allows certain things to happen in our world (note that I don't believe that God causes them, but I believe God can stop them). Yet then sometimes I imagine a world where these things didn't happen, where there was no pain and no struggle and no injustice, and I realize there would also be no growth. A crazy paradox. I suspect I will never understand it.  But this I know...some of the greatest beauty I've seen in life is triumph over these things. And in my own life the greatest triumph is when I don't stop the story before it is over....and when only the ugly shows....but stay alert to see the beauty that develops.

I do not like to feel helpless....but truth is that I am not. I have the very power of God behind me...and some "mad skillz" I was given by his creation and through the working out of living. Sometimes I do have to accept that things are out of my control, but I have learned that prayer is not necessarily to change God's mind, but to get my attention as I watch God at work. Sometimes I can sit back and watch...and not necessarily be helpless.

A lot of the time there are things I can do. Even when I feel helpless, There is something special about being willing to proceed without confidence. I don't have to see a stop sign. I can instead see a yield.....and either give way to the one who is in charge of the universe, or regroup and allow myself to be used again. And sometimes it is a beautiful green so I can charge ahead!

Patsy, or any of my dear friends or family, should you ever go missing, know I will not act helpless. I will fight like a wildcat until you are found. No stone will be left unturned. I will pray and listen to God, but I will also use all that I am to continue to search. Because sometimes we have to surrender....but sometimes surrendering to helplessness will never be an option I am willing to consider. 

Still, I will probably cry.