Yesterday was one of those days that just wearies my soul. By the end of my work day, I just wanted to collapse in a pile and cry. And sleep. I was having systems issues and the person at our Help Desk was putting her heart into helping, but did not seem to me to be doing it quickly and efficiently enough for me. Part of my frustration was that the problem meant a whole slew of emails, many from clients, had never arrived in my "In" box. They'd all gone into my "Junk Mail" folder. Which I had never checked, mostly because we get these reports periodically which I thought showed all that had been sent there through system edits. Those that were sent to the "Junk Mail" box and that never appeared on this list were somewhat random, which is why I hadn't noticed sooner, but there were a lot of them. The ones that concerned me most were from clients, but some even came from my own company. If you don't see the email from people, you don't respond.....and it bothers me that any of these people would think they had been ignored for a long period of time. I take pride in being responsive to my emails at work.....so this cut at me.
Then there was a project I had been working on. I had worked on it constantly for several weeks. I knew that people needed the information to continue the flow of the information down the line to meet other deadlines. I felt I had done the work that made it happen. To make a Monday deadline, I had worked last weekend on it, and worked a 14-hour day on Monday (though several hours of that had been in a meeting), and when I passed it on I thought I had made the deadline and felt it was in decent shape to continue the process. I found yesterday at the end of the day that it had issues where some responses were too wordy and need to be cut down.....which will mean I have much more work to do. Quickly. Again, disheartening.
Then there are other things at work where I am feeling either inadequate, or behind, or just like things are not running in sync. And I feel alone in it all (not the fault of my co-workers, who would probably help if I could figure out how and when I need help.) I finished the week not feeling good about things, knowing I couldn't have worked much harder, but feeling that I need to be more than I am. That what I have to offer just isn't quite enough.
Add to this I am just feeling crummy about myself.....I have not been running at all and not working out as I should, which means I have gained weight. So you have mornings where you try on outfit after outfit to find something to wear and nothing fits, and when you find something that does fit you still don't feel good about the outfit or how you look in it. When you don't feel good about your body, you seem to just move in slow motion. You are tired. It's difficult to get back on track. It's a mental issue and the desire just isn't there. Possibly because it is more difficult to move a heavy body around than one that is less heavy. It's definitely more difficult to move one that you don't feel good about!
See how easy it is to get into a place of self pity? Really, the problems of my life are so easy when I compare them to others. Most of mine are either self-inflicted, or things that in the scheme of life really are not that important. So shallow compared to those of some of my friends.....who are dealing with things like major health issues, no jobs, financial problems, and children at death's door. Still, self pity is only looking at our self ....while we recognize these other things, our stuff still feels like a weight on top of our heads.
But regardless of our circumstances, we can't let ourselves live in the land of self pity. It's addictive and can spread to those around us....and is a cancer on our world. We have to snap ourselves out of it. Whatever life throws at us, we just need to get in there and face it. Whatever our issues at work or in the world, they usually only last for a season. Whatever shape our body is in at the moment, it is still one that is "fearfully and wonderfully made," the only one we will ever get and we need to care for it. And love it for the things that are right about it. What other people do that seems to consume our own lives, we have no real control over. We need to give that up quickly. In fact, we only can exercise a small amount of control over anything. We need to accept that we're not so important and not so special, but in one of life's greatest paradoxes we are so incredibly important and so very special.
The problems of life are what give life texture. A life of only good things would give us complacent and inactive hearts. Feeling life is part of living it to the fullest. So we should expect those days of "blah", acknowledge them, and come up with the right plan for us to get back to a place where we love life. It's a mental thing. It requires that we deny ourselves of the luxury of wallowing, revisit our purpose and our passion, and move. We have to move. One step at a time.
So for me, I've got work to do this weekend. I'm also going to try to refresh and breathe a bit....so I can attack the issues that I know are not going away. I started last night by relaxing a bit with my sister and friends and enjoying what our city has to offer....watching bike races, seeing people I haven't seen in a while, eating a good dinner and listening to great music. This morning I have lost a few hours in nothingness (reading and interneting and drinking coffee), but I think a workout is in order. I think I need to be outside for a while and catch some sunshine (or if no sunshine, at least some fresh air.) I will brave the tax free weekend crowds and buy some school supplies for the drive one of my friends at work is sponsoring, and remember how much fun it was to get brand new school supplies for the first day of school. Maybe I will clean something up around the house, or pay bills, or have my car washed, or do some of those other chores I would prefer not to do but feel so much better when they are done. But I won't savor the pity. Because if I look at it logically, there isn't much about my life that is bad. If there were, I know I am surrounded by friends and family who will do their darndest to help. And anyway, my hand is held by a God who will direct me to a full and vibrant life. If I don't fight him, make my own way down dark paths alone, and stay there. And really.....why would I want to do that?
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