One Week

It's been one week. One week since my dear great nephew left this earth. I still feel like I am in a fog. I can function, and have accomplished what I needed to do, but things happen that show me I am not quite myself. My mind, if not kept in check, goes to worry.....and to images of his last minutes, the last seconds. I was not there, yet the images still fill my brain. God does take them away when I ask. I suspect it is me who brings them back.

My niece Sara, his mom, talked about the desire to be invisible when she goes out in public and it really resonated with me. I have felt the same thing. People are both a comfort and a challenge. I want to talk about it, but then I don't want to talk about it. I want normal, but it's not normal. Even a few simple words from certain people will tear my heart out or make me cry. Other times I can remain composed.

Sometimes I just want to scream "Shut up" to some and "Don't you understand what has happened?" to others. But I understand that people are processing it all in their own way. Even those who didn't know him. They want to understand. That they want to help. They are doing the best they can. And as difficult as it is to believe, it has not touched the lives of everyone.

The memorial service was horrible and beautiful. I spent most of it praying for our broken hearts and for the faces I watched around the room. I was with my mom, his great grandmother, and the images that will remain strongest for me are the grieving embrace between her and his paternal grandmother and then watching my mom hugging and holding hands with my brother-in-law's mother, his other great grandmother, as they grieved together. They loved him so much. As my mom drove me to the service she said "I was just talking to Kaelan on my way to pick you up and telling him he was supposed to attend my service, not me his." I think we all have had that particular conversation.

I'll remember the sight of Sara reaching out for her mom, my sister Dana, when she got into her vicinity at the graveside. She saw nothing else at that moment, needed nothing more than her mom's comfort and to give her mom comfort. More beauty.

Sara continues to amaze me. I watch her dogged desire to make sure Kaelan is remembered for what made him unique. I watch her looking out for her daughters and making sure they are OK. I see her writing down what she is thinking, believing that talking about it openly will help people.... hoping that in sharing her thoughts it will help others understand. Knowing that writing about it helps her as it helps me. Our therapy. Even better for us than talking it out, because our brains are so cluttered with thoughts they need the editing of thinking them through to make sense out of them.

I am watching Sara's strength and her brokenness. Her faith and her compassion. Her despair and her humor. Her love for those that he loved....and for those that loved him, even those didn't always love him perfectly. Her lack of blame. Her acceptance of what is. Her pain.

His sisters Sela and Karys. So strong, in this thing that is so hard to process even for adults. Their beauty and their compassion. The way they try to look after their family and each other and all those around them, remaining kind at a time where their emotions must be searing. His stepfather Brian, wanting to make things better for all but heartbroken there is not a lot he can fix this time. My other young nieces and all of his other family members (there are a ton), broken-hearted. His father Keith, walking pain. 

Oh, and all the kids.....his friends. They tore the fabric of my heart. I wanted to hug them all, to touch them all. I am sure I confused a few as I touched them as I walked by. I wanted to connect. They probably think of me as some crazy lady. It won't be the first time someone has thought that....or the last. I wanted to say something to them that would put it all in perspective, but I still haven't found those words yet. I don't think there are words.

The two pastors so very different in outlook and approach, but common in the love they exuded. The music, traditional and untraditional. Beautiful and poignant, all.

Suits and t-shirts, formal and casual. Many people coming together from where they are to pay tribute in their own way. Tears from the weakest of weak to the toughest of tough. Smiles and laughter through the tears as we remember his quirky self.

Crazy weather....storms to sunshine to torrential downpours to rainbows. Almost as if all of heaven was joining us in full force on this day that was an exclamation mark in so many lives. Getting our attention to let us know that a big and powerful God was there for us....in case we be hard-headed. Letting us know that heaven had a new resident that would still shake up the world.

I want to forget, but also remember every detail. One friend urged me to make sure I don't bypass the pain. To make myself go through it. Important advice. Good advice. Terrifying advice. I still want to avoid it. To peal off one layer at a time. I think that's OK. As long as I eventually walk through it.

A week later I am grateful for the thousands, and I know there are thousands, who have prayed for my family. I wish the energy of those prayers could go back in time and change things. But it can't, and as much as I pray I can't stop the pain for those I love most in the world. But one thing I have seen in this week. God is with us, as he was with Kaelan during those last moments of fear and pain, and as he passed over from life to death to life. And we, for 17 years as he was on this earth, and before and beyond, love him. In the midst of the worse pain, joy lives. 

Running from Reality

"Humankind cannot bear very much reality."  T.S. Eliot

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There are just days when I want to run away from the reality of the world. While September 11 brings all kinds of thoughts to the minds of people everywhere, for some reason it most reminds me of this part of myself that wants to flee. 

I vividly remember that day.  I was on my way home from working out at the Barium Springs Y, sweating and tired and happy, thinking of my workday ahead, and had Bob and Sheri on the radio.  I was only half listening at first, but realized quickly that something was off on their regular patter tempo.  That got me listening.  At first I thought it was something on the level of a modern day "War of the Worlds" and thought to myself "What are they thinking?  This just isn't working!"  But it wasn't a dramatic production....it was the reflection of the confusion, fear and horror of an event that was real and happening as the world watched in vivid color....and those in the media grappled to figure out to do next.

I got home in time to see the second plane hit the building and it was just all so surreal.  I watched for quite a while and then turned off my TV.  I didn't turn it back on for a long time.  I still feel the same....I don't have the need or desire to watch the events over and over.  Once was enough for me (though I haven't been able to completely avoid seeing it again and again, I have tried.)  Those images are seared on my brain.  The horror the people must have felt.  The sight of people throwing themselves from the building.  The conversations of those who called people from the airplane or from their offices when they realized what was going on. The chills I still feel from the words "Let's roll."  The absolute horror of how little it takes to change a world and change the direction of many, many lives.  The aftershocks of it have shaken our earth.

It seems especially poignant to me today, in 2012, because there seem to be an extraordinary number of those I love are who are facing their own life terrors.  Their own personal time of fear.  Some are self-inflicted, most are not.  All tear at my heart and make me feel helpless.  What can I do to make it better?

For those facing fear because of the choices they have made in their lives, I struggle with how I should feel.  I am someone who is not prone to being an enabler, and am a firm supporter of there being consequences in life for all we do, whoever you are. Yet when it is someone you love, part of you wants to shield them from those consequences, even knowing that would not be for their own good.  But these people need to bear the weight of their own burdens, or they will never learn to make pure-hearted decisions. 

The things we choose to do set off little chain reactions in the lives of those we know and don't know.  We don't always see the result of the havoc we cause.  But if you think about it, every single thing we do or don't do has a consequence in this world.  Those who live their lives selfishly and sinfully and hatefully and rebelliously don't notice the impact they have on all of those who surround them.  Those who flew those planes into the buildings were so caught up in their own stuff that they had no vision for the ways their actions would hurt people for generations to come.  Or maybe they did know.  I don't discount that there are people who are that evil.  We see them on a small scale all around us, and would like to make excuses for them, but some people do seem to live to create havoc and pain in even their smallest actions.  They never seem to learn, they never seem to care about the impact.  I figure they must create stories and justifications in their mind as to why what they do doesn't matter.  They are so self-absorbed, they can't look beyond themselves. But they hurt people and the story of their lives just very well may be that they destroyed and walked away, never turning back around and facing the destruction they caused.  Frankly, they are losers.  They lose not just because of their bad choices, but because their lives burden instead of brighten.

In contrast to that type of people, are our real life winners.  Those who face tremendous obstacles and it brings out the best in them.  They may have a horrid disease, sick child, a parent with Alzheimer's who doesn't recognize them, they may lose or hate their job, get a divorce, lose their money, or have an accident that limits their abilities.  Yet regardless of their circumstance, these people face their challenges with grace and faith.  Even in the midst of it all they notice that there are others around them in pain, and try to give comfort.  They may say "Why me" on occasion, but then quickly follow that with "Why not me?"  They use the terrors of their lives to bring peace to others in the world.  We see them live their lives and find inspiration.  They show us that when someone builds their life on hope and truth, they may be shaken but they will not fall.  They brighten the world, and while they would endure their own burden, we want to help carry it. 

On this 9/11/12, I encourage us all to pay attention to our choices.  We must learn to be people of balance.  We should love others as we love ourselves, but sometimes we also need to remember to love ourselves as we love others (once again, check your balance!) We need to make sure our well stays full, so we are prepared to offer a drink to those who are thirsty.  We need to know that many of those around us have experienced, or are experiencing, horrors that we may never realize.  Sometimes it has created scars that make them ugly....and sometimes it has created scars that make them vividly beautiful.

We need to watch out for fear.  Fear drives so much of the pain in this world, but we often try to hide it with our habits and our emotions and deflect it with our humor or our anger.  We need to be on the lookout for masked fear.  The baby who crying because they can't see their parents, the child who is afraid of the dark,  the teenager who is afraid that they don't fit in,  the young person who can't seem to get a handle on how to live an adult life,  the middle aged person who is looking at their life and feeling much of what they have done is worthless, the older person who is seeing their friends die all around them and are scared of being alone.  Fear is a commonality, and often is the reason why a lot of terrible things happen.  Those who are afraid sometimes do crazy things.  Isn't it better that we try to ease their fears (or our own fears) before that happens?  Fear makes us angry, fear builds walls, fears keep us from experiencing real life, fear incapacitates us and makes us unable to fill or find our purpose. We shouldn't always run away from fear.  Sometimes fear is healthy and to be respected, but sometimes we need to run right into its path.  Facing our foes and standing our ground.  With righteous minds and kind and strong hearts.  Sometimes with a hug or a handshake or a hand of support.  We also shouldn't always run from reality, though sometimes we feel the need to escape it for a short time. 

To those who lost a piece of their reality on that certain 9/11 and carry scars, I pray that these days bring you peace and contentment.  To those who are suffering their own tragedies today or who have already suffered other tragedies in your life (your own personal 9/11), I pray that not only will you too find peace and contentment, but that also that you will find a way to get beyond the pain and find a way to commemorate that thing or event with positive purpose.  I don't believe these terrible things are allowed to happen by chance....and I believe that somehow they can help others see the face of God.  Wouldn't it be better to re-purpose the pain, instead of recycling it?