When the Bomber Is Your Friend

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over." – Octavia Butler

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly." -Proverb

What do you do when someone you care about is blowing up their life? What do you do when that person is blowing up the lives of many people around them? What do you do when you feel that they are isolating themselves from people who love them, and only listening to people who tell them what they want to hear - others who are living their lives in ways seemingly ignorant of the carnage they leave in their wake?  What do you do when they think they are right, and only pity you for caring?

I love imperfect people. I am also by nature an idealist. It provides a weird contrast in my life. I don't understand why people don't do what I consider to be the right thing. I don't understand why people do things that I consider to be out of character for them. I don't understand why someone who has shown me such love and compassion can turn around and show others what appears to be no regard. What appears to be hate and hatefulness.

Unfortunately I am not talking about just one situation, one relationship, here. I have seen these aberrations of behavior all around me. I believe most of us have. Sometimes I find myself holding myself back, driving by the accident scene and rubber necking. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be this one woman vigilante, running in, swords drawn, and challenging them to a duel.....or challenging the bad influencers that I think are encouraging their bad behavior to a duel. (Never mind that I suspect they may be better swordsmen than me.) Sometimes I want to kidnap them, and de-program their brain. I am convinced they have been brainwashed and when taken away from it all we could get them back on track. Still other times I want to live my perfect little "ignorance is bliss" life and pretend nothing is happening.

But truth is that God has given us free will. People get to make certain stupid choices for their lives. When someone is on a path to self destruction, sometimes you can do nothing about it. Sometimes it is none of your business. Sometimes you need to stay away. But when is that the case, and when can you just run to them and hug them and try to protect them from themselves?

I haven't figured any of this out yet really. The "hate the sin, love the sinner" stuff gets complicated. I suspect that the simple act of writing all of these questions down sets the stage for me to share with you my own personal quest for enlightenment. It will probably continue throughout my lifetime. Especially since, as I said before, I love the imperfect.

But this I already know.....or think I know...

>If you are my family, if you are my friend, I will love you through the imperfect. You can count on this. You will be on my mind whether you are around me or not. I will not cease to pray for you. I will not erect barriers to you. I can't enable you to do what I think is wrong, but neither will I shun you.

>I will never tell you what you are doing is right, if I think what you are doing is wrong. I do not believe that is loving you well...and if I love you, you deserve to be loved well. I hope you listen to my point of view once, because there is usually a compulsion for me to tell you what I think. Not just to hear myself speak, or to spout dogma, but because I genuinely care. I think that is part of what loving someone is...seeing who we really are, loving them anyway, and caring enough to speak truth. I hope you listen when you can hear something besides Charlie Brown's teacher.

>I will try not to constantly throw your mistakes in your face. If you have listened once, or are overloaded with what others are saying and need silence, I will try to respect this. If my past experience is any indication, I may find this to be very difficult. When this happens, you are allowed to say "Let's change the subject." I promise I will try. Others have done this, and I was able to restrain myself, Sometimes we don't need more bullets pointed our way.

>If your victims need care, I will take the ointment and bandages. Sometimes because I love them, too. Sometimes because you should be doing it, and aren't.

>Self-destructive behavior happens for a reason. Sometimes drugs and alcohol are involved. Sometimes immaturity. Sometimes anger. Sometimes fear. Sometimes depression. Sometimes a health problem. Sometimes a restlessness that you just can't pinpoint. Often a combination of many of these. Don't try to just heal yourself. See a professional. A good doctor who you will be honest with. Please have yourself checked out and make sure something else is not going on that may be causing your change in behavior. What can it hurt? 

>If you appear OK physically, try to talk things through with a good mental health professional. Someone without skin in the game who listens impartially. None of us know the whole story, the real story. That probably includes you. Maybe someone else can see the tapestry and not the strings. 

>I believe usually people should bare the natural consequences of their actions. I think also, perhaps, mercy was not given to me in spades. I am trying to develop it. Sometimes you may have to remind me of that fact. Code word: mercy.

Lest you are reading this and think I am only writing about you, I will say while your face may be in my mind, unfortunately there is more than one face there at the moment; more than one person who fits the criteria. You are not the only one who I think is blowing up their life at the moment, but that does not lessen the pain I feel as I think of you. Who are you today and who do you want to be? If you have forgotten the good, the value you are to the world, let me know. I can remind you. I believe in you. I will continue to cheer for you to be your best, though never expecting perfection. Even when you are a screw up, there are folks who love you. Don't forget to notice that, even if the eyes looking at you show disappointment. We're human, too. And though we not be open about it, many of us know quite a lot about screwing up. You are not the first, or the only.

The Quest for Integrity In Business

I can be a pain in the rear when it comes to good customer service. I think that is the cornerstone of a good business....and good business matters to me, because people matter to me and businesses are people. We forget that sometimes, and buy into the thought that a business is an entity of itself. It never really is, so don't ever let anyone hide behind the idea of the "corporate machine", lest you become the star of "The Emporer's New Clothes". Don't remember that story? Google it, or go and read it here:
http://www.andersen.sdu.dk/vaerk/hersholt/TheEmperorsNewClothes_e.html

Public relations and marketing are fascinating to me. I have a fixation on both and have since my college years. Maybe even before that. Truth is, they can make or break a business. Over time they have become spin doctors.....those who mold the truth to make it palatable. In this world that is a great skill. One that can make or break a business. Unfortunately it can also make or break a person's (company's) character when used to pass off a lie as truth or only reveal part of the story.

I give feedback. Don't ask me what I think about your business (or your personal life) unless you are prepared for the truth according to Kim. Not that I am always right....or that my opinion is better than your own or that I expect you to change things just because of what I say. But if asked, and often when not asked, I will try to give it to you, limited knowledge and all. You can tell me to stop, and I will. Almost always.

So, I was eating a Quest bar one day, one of my favorite protein bars for a variety of reasons (they meet my protein requirements....no wimpy amounts for me...and are constantly ranked as one of the best out there...and you know I am a geek who reads up on this stuff). Anyway, I noticed something in there that wasn't supposed to be there. It looked like a hair, or maybe a string. Freaked me out for a bit, until I realized I didn't think I had eaten any of it (note I didn't ponder this at great length. If I did, I didn't want to know.)

But because if I were a business I would want to know such a thing, I sent them an email. Not because I was horrified, or plotting a lawsuit (I find that silly and wrong), but because they needed to know.

They took immediate action....sent me a box to put the remains in and said they would study it. Had someone come and pick it up. Also sent me a couple of boxes of Quest bars.... which I was not afraid to eat, by the way. I had eaten hundreds before with no issue.

I thought that the whole thing was over, until I received a letter from them the other day. The letter made me love their company and not just their product. To me it was the best in customer service. Taking a complaint seriously, investigating it, figuring out what happened and why, putting in a plan of action for it not happening again, and keeping me included as part of the "team" solving the program. Here is that letter: 

http://support.questproteinbar.com/attachments/token/ItCgpJcl85RdtU80AuLMq3YAK/?name=customer+Concern+%2349414+Kim+Mckinney.pdf

I share this to celebrate this company, not to shame them. I have much respect for how they handled the situation. Here's what I think we can learn from this:

1. Check things out. I could have been a crazy person wanting to sue....or someone just wanting free Quest bars. They checked out my claim.....asked for the evidence. As someone who doesn't like false claims, I totally respect this. If making a claim about the quality (or character) of a product, company, or person, offer the first hand proof to back it up.

2. Consider the fact that you might be wrong. Listen to criticism, check it out, and take it seriously.

3. Acknowledge fault. When you're wrong, say you're wrong. Don't gloss over it, don't try to hide it.

4. Don't only look at the problem on the surface. Ask the important questions - how did this happen and how can we make sure this doesn't happen again?

5. Use any problem or mistake as a learning experience. How can it make you better?

6. How is your quality control team? Are the people who surround you effective at guaranteeing your quality? Whether you are a business or a person, having a good quality control staff is gold. Sometimes a business has to remind and re-train. Sometimes as an individual you need to make sure those who surround us care about our quality (our character and well-being) and make the effort to speak up or challenge when there are problems.

7. When people give you good feedback, let them know if you use it. Let them know if it changes who you are or how you do things. Even if it is years later. Too often we don't do this, and we have neglected an opportunity to help that person see why they are here. Let's encourage people for the good they do, and not just criticize those who de-rail us.


 8. Don't have unrealistic expectations of people or companies. We all make mistakes. That bonds us. Let's not be finger pointers, without being willing to make things better. And let's be gracious in our forgiveness.

When problems occur, the best approach is just to go naked, not pretend you are wearing clothes, adding a few extra layers or putting on a complete disguise so no one can really see you. When we see others make mistakes, let's remember our own and be part of their solution, not blow the problem out of proportion. Let's also not ignore mistakes if they need to be revealed. Be pure in your quest. Covering up who you really are and what you really do does nothing but diminish your humanity and your integrity.

When They "Make" You Worry

I find lately that I am worrying more than usual lately.  Not about myself, but about other people.  It's difficult to love people, think they may be making some mistakes in their lives, and realize that there is very little that you can do about it. 

I tend to be fairly open with my opinions, but I struggle about when it is time to speak up and when it is time to mind my own business and keep my mouth shut.  Often I don't know what is going on for sure.....there is just that inkling that someone is headed for trouble, and I don't have real evidence.  They don't bring it up, possibly because they think they will disappoint me or possibly because it is their dirty little secret that they would rather keep private (be they cherishing it or feeling ashamed.)  But I feel  like they are hanging over the edge and not crying out for help and it's frustrating....I want to do something.

I also know that maybe it is nothing and I am over-reacting....or maybe they have it under control and I should have confidence in them.  I don't believe my intuition is always right....and sometimes I hope it is completely off base.  I also know that all problems don't concern me....and there are boundaries that I don't need to cross.

There are other times when I know they are in trouble.....underwater and gasping for breath.  They have taken a running leap off the edge, and are in the midst of a freefall.  They have made mistakes that will forever impact their life.  Yet there is a chance that they can leap from the bottom of the pit and fly.  It will take hard work and great desire....and a realization that they are responsible for their own actions.  It is possible.  But until I know what their choice will be....I often worry. 

I read a quote that said “Worry is momentary atheism crying out for correction by trust in a good, sovereign God.” (Randy Alcorn)

It made me think....and remember what I already know, and yet I somehow keep forgetting.  I have to trust God.  Not just with my own life, but with the lives of those I love.  While some things that happen to me are beyond my control, almost all things in the lives of others are.  They get to to choose how to live.  They get to decide whether to listen to the voice of God, or worship a god of their own (even the god of self, others, self-pity, anger, immaturity, or evil.)  They get to decide how to wear their faith....naked as a jaybird, covered by a shroud, or as a Halloween costume.  They can even step off the ledge and freefall into a life that I know will bring them despair or pain.  For some reason God has given them that choice...and if I trust in a good, sovereign God, then who am I to question the wisdom of that?

Scripture tells us that "the heart is deceitful above all things and beyond all cure.  Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9)   I can't just listen to my heart here...it can lie to me.  I have to also use my brain.  But most of all, I need to keep my eyes and ears attuned to the hands and voice of God.  Anxiety is a choice and is time wasted.  My job is to pray and and believe and watch God work.  There are times when I need to get involved, but often I need to just watch and pray.  God is at work and doesn't want me in there messing up things...He'll call me if He needs me.

Sometimes....I dare say, even often....people are going to come through.  They are going to learn and grow and do good things, even if it takes some major bumps along the way.  I think the voice of the Spirit is loud and constant....and I believe it is an ongoing dialogue in their ears. I believe that voice can drown out their (our) will.  My prayer is going to be that He increases the volume.....for them and for me....and that I will be sensitive when God calls me to action, and when he merely wants me to shut up, trust Him, and stay out of the way.