Laying on the Loyal

"What is a disloyal act? A person is disloyal if he treats you as a stranger when, in fact, he belongs to you as a friend or partner. Each of us is bound to some special others by the invisible fibers of loyalty." -Lewis B. Smedes

“Where the battle rages, there the loyalty of the soldier is proved.”– Martin Luther
“I have a loyalty that runs in my bloodstream, when I lock into someone or something, you can’t get me away from it because I commit that thoroughly. That’s in friendship, that’s a deal, that’s a commitment. Don’t give me paper – I can get the same lawyer who drew it up to break it. But if you shake my hand, that’s for life..” – Jerry Lewis

“Some people treat
loyalty as a lamp:
they think, they can
just switch it on/off
and believe,
you won't notice
the difference...” 

- Veronika Jensen

One of the things I have learned in life is to be on the lookout for loyalty. It's a hard thing to describe, really, but important you learn to recognize it when you do see it. And even more important, when you don't.

It's different than friendship, different than love, different than trust....still it must be a part of all three. I love the quote by Lewis Smedes above that describes the disloyal....the friend ("special other") who treats you as a stranger. When you see that, it's confusing. Learn to recognize it as an easy indication that they are not loyal to you. 

With true loyalty there are those invisible fibers that tie us together to "our person", our "special other", "our people". Whatever the circumstances, whoever may be around, wherever we may be....they are loyal to us and we are loyal to them. When outside forces can change the relationship, loyalty is absent.

When loyalty is in action, you are bound as tightly to that person when they are away from you as when you are in the same room. Those invisible fibers? They stretch and they never break. When you are loyal they mean that a part of "your person" is always with you....and you'll protect and defend them as though they are by your side. You won't allow their character to be maligned, won't allow lies about them to be spread. You hurt if someone says something hurtful about them and you glow with pride when someone recognizes their worth.

Oh, you don't have to engage with every small minded person who chooses to speak ill of them. Often that would achieve nothing. But when this happens a loyal person would never agree with that person....or make it appear that they align with them and their opinion. It's also usually a sign that it is time to leave the toxic cloud and move on. But if it is a situation where others around may get a wrong view of "your person" that hurts their reputation or how other people view them, loyal friends speak up.

Loyalty does not mean you agree with "your person" all of the time, or condone all of their behavior or agree with all of their opinions. It does means that you want the best for them, you want the truth to be told about them, and that you are invested in their success. A loyal friend will always be ready to help someone be their best and tells them their true thoughts and opinions. Loyalty never requires someone to embrace wrong or lie on someone's behalf. When that occurs, it's misplaced loyalty.

As Jerry Lewis said, loyal people do not require contracts. Their words are backed with their honor. Want a clue as to whether someone is loyal to you? Watch them closely. It always is revealed in their character, in how they live their lives. Especially when they think you're not looking. It usually doesn't require much effort to see their true colors....if they are disloyal to others, they will probably be disloyal to you. Loyalty strengthens as it is exercised. It certainly is most easily revealed when the battle rages, but also there are signs of it in peace. It is a choice, and usually is a life's commitment. 

Look for the "special others" who wear their loyalty well....and hold on tight. But make sure you are giving them the same gift. They deserve it. And if you expect loyalty in others, you need to be willing to exercise it yourself. Get strong. Our world could use more loyalty in action. It's a beautiful thing.

Can I See Your Necklace?

Day 3 in Proverbs

Proverbs 3: "Let love and loyalty always show like a necklace, and write them in your mind.  God and people will like you and consider you a success."

Proverbs 3:32 "The Lord doesn't like anyone who is dishonest, but he lets good people be his friends."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 


It took me a while, but I finally learned not to take people at face value.  I used to think that what I saw on the surface was who the person was, but have since learned I was wrong.  My biggest heartbreaks in life have come from this very thing.  After a while you learn to slow down, and have the patience to let people reveal who they really are.  Therefore, I no longer believe my first impressions of people are valid.....and I think that realizing that was one of the best lessons I ever learned.  It takes time and a little covert observation to really know who a person is.  And seeing who makes an effort to love you....and who is really in your corner and cheering you on to do good things in this world.

I'm a girl....I love jewelry.  It's easy to get distracted by a beautiful necklace.  Some just grab your attention and it's hard to focus on anything else.  I don't care whether the necklace is of great monetary value....if I like it, I like it.  I like everything from a simple chain to that of elaborate precious stones that shimmer every which way with any movement.  

I think people are like jewelry.   Some are really flashy and make a really great first impression.  As you get to know them, and notice who they really are, you may find their flash is authentic.  They really are what they appear....and are big spectacular specimens of human beings.  But with others, it may prove to be just flash.    We used to say about one friend "He's a great guy, until you really get to know him."  In time, most people reveal who they really are.

So you have the flashy people who grab your attention right away, but then there are the other people, who don't really glitter from a distance.  You may not be overly impressed with their jewelry at first, but as you see them closely, and examine everything up close, you find they are made up of precious stones and platinum.   It's amazing to me how many of the best people I know are this type.

And yeah....there are those who appear to be worthless and prove it to us over and over again.  I think Oprah used to say that Maya Angelou told her "When people tell you who they are, believe them." 

When you realize the "worth" of a friend may not be much, what do you do?   I think the best advice is that you don't ever forget who they really are.  I hang out with all kinds of people.  In my heart of hearts, I usually know who my true friends are.  I also know the people who I spend a lot of time with, but who don't have the capability to ever be more than an acquaintance.  Some I limit spending time with, some I don't.  Overall, though, it's good to have a firm idea of those who not loyal to me and those who don't have the capacity to love me.  I can't say it doesn't hurt when they prove it to you over and over again....but recovery time gets to be less and less....and I realize that my heartbreak is more about me than them.  After a while you know you can't change people, you can't make them into what you want them to be, and you can't just take the good and ignore the bad.  It's all important.  But you also can't take out the humanity.  We are who we are for so many different reasons.....some out of our control.  I do believe people can change.....but I also think change is hard and rare.  We have to turn away from our true nature.....and that is so very hard to do.  But I want to be there to support in the event that they do.

A friend of mine is currently dealing with the issues that come from being  an addict.  They were in recovery, but as things in their body and their life started to hurt them, they slowly started slipping back into self-medication.  They knew better than the doctors.  Their judgment was better than those who loved them.  It was all innocent, everything was OK.  They had a reason for it all.  But substances change who we are, and things progressed to where they were choosing them above love and loyalty for those they hold dear in their life.  It didn't matter they were being deceptive and bringing them pain.....they wanted to feel better.  They appear fine on the surface, but it didn't take long to see it happening.  And when I did, I knew they cannot be trusted right now.  They are the center of their own universe.  I can't tell you how frustrating this is.... because I know the wonderful person underneath.  But you can't turn your back on reality....and you can't pretend that the downward spiral isn't happening.  You cannot enable the behavior....you have to confront it.  And sometimes walk away.  They are the only ones who can change themselves.

But let me take the focus off of everyone else.  Let's look at these verses again.  They're really directed at us.  What kind of friend, what kind of family member, what kind of person are we?  Are we wearing precious love and loyalty as our necklace every day, or are we keeping it in a box and only taking it out on special occasions?  If we are to examine ourselves closely is our "necklace" really made up of hate, envy, self-centeredness, and malevolent intent (you can look that one up as a vocabulary word if you need to.....it's a good one that just rolls off the tongue...or for some of us, doesn't!)  Like I said, we can't change other people....we are not responsible for changing other people.... but we are totally responsible for how we are living our own lives.  We are responsible for the kind of friend and family member we really are.  And we forget so easily.....God tells us writing it on our hand is not enough, we have to constantly remember to write it on our mind.  It's not something we are going to remember without a little mental prompting.

We can be dishonest with other people, but we can't be dishonest with God.  He sees our very heart, soul and most of all what is written on our mind.  The only pure judge of character.  Like verse 32 in Proverbs 3 says, if you are living your life dishonestly, he is not going to be your friend.  He's looking for the good people (which seem to be not the perfect ones, but those honest with themselves and with others.)  So am I.  In my friends....but more importantly, in the mirror.