Here's to the Daddies!

Fatherhood is a miracle really, yet fathering a child requires very little of a man. When I look at the spectrum of fathers in the world today, I would have to borrow a few lines from Dickens and say "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us." (From "A Tale of Two Cities") Surely all children live the truth of those words to different proportions.

In spiritual terms I love the title of "Abba Father"....or as we would call it "Daddy". Think about how people view God. Some see God as the austere disciplinarian, ready to smite us for the smallest of sins, always in a judgmental upheaval and ready to make us pay hard time for our misdeeds. Some see God as the "big guy" who really doesn't care much about the details of their lives, who indulgently (and rather thoughtlessly) forgives anything we do, who doesn't need a lot of our attention but who we call on when desperation hits. Other see him as Daddy, who knows us and walks with us every day, who desires to spend time with us, who knows and cares about our character, and tirelessly tries to shape every area of our lives into the best it can be.

I think Abba Father is the closest and most developed relationship to God. God's child who is cherished, God's child who is known, the child who is loved with a mature, solid and unselfish love. The child who is cared for so much that close attention is paid to them, but it is not the attention of rose colored glasses. The child in whom an investment is made, for their whole lives. The child worth giving up all for, but yet who is required to honor their heritage.

Most people know I have strong feelings of parenthood. Sometimes I want to knock a few heads together and say "Don't you realize the privilege you have been granted? Don't you realize the great responsibility you have taken on?" So many don't seem to get it. They don't realize they are the people that are most responsible for this child's physical, emotional, spiritual, social, and educational needs. They blame teachers, they blame churches, they blame the Republicans, Democrats, Obama, Bush, they blame society as a whole. But really, while a village raises a child you fathers and mothers are the first line of responsibility,

There doesn't seem to be a lot of forethought for what the needs of the child are as they develop. There doesn't seem to be a thought on how their actions impact the brains of their child. There doesn't seem to be purposeful sacrifice. Realization that you have to teach your child to treat you with respect and honor, so they will respect and honor themselves and others.  Realization that a child has to grow up with a healthy view of self....that they aren't perfect, but yet still they are amazing and a wonder to behold. There doesn't seem to be a realization that sometimes you must shelter your child, but you also have to teach them by letting them live in the real world. They can't live their life in a Disney movie, or God would have created us in bubbles in which to insulate ourselves.

Bad fathers have done a lot of damage to our world.....good daddies have repaired a lot of that damage. Fatherhood is hard work if done well. You have to admit a bit of inadequacy. But inadequate as you may be, you can't just watch the lives if your children unfold like you are watching a movie as a mere audience member. You are not your child's babysitter. No one owes you money or kudos for doing the job the title requires. You have to do the work. Hopefully the child will grow to show you love and honor, but maybe not. Be their daddy anyway. It's not one of those jobs you do for the rewards... It's the job you do because it is your responsibility. And even in the hardest of times, it is a privilege and an honor you have been granted. 

Thanks to all the fathers, who have created all of the fearfully and wonderfully made beings on our planet. Whether intentional or by accident, you have changed our world. But special thanks to all of you daddies out there, who spend time with your child and don't tune them out. Who teach them, challenge them, delight them, and discipline them. Who strive to know them better than anyone else on the planet. Whatever the age of your child, they need the special love only you can give. They need your guidance, they need your care. You were created to be their daddy.....please strive to do it well. And if you feel inadequate, a little Abba Father time may teach you just what you need to know.

Daddy....I do believe it is one of the world's most beautiful words. Especially when it goes beyond a noun and becomes a verb.

Watching Dad Work

From my earliest memories, I remember my dad working.  Not only working, but working hard.  At whatever he did.  I think that is one of the things that most defines who he is.  He is focused, and will not stop until the job is done.  He expects the same in others and while is laid-back about most things, has never understood when others do shoddy work or work with less passion.

There were times I probably wished this was not the case, because it was also the expectation that his children work just as hard and gee, that is difficult for the daughter whose mind can stay focused at times, but other times would prefer to be in fantasy-land!

While I often did not see Dad "on the job", I did see him at work at home.  I saw him doing yard work, sweat pouring off of his body (Something I believe all of his children inherited from him....we sweat.  Yuck.  Thanks Dad!)  

The job was always the focus.  It certainly wasn't wardrobe.  Thankfully we don't embarrass easily in our family or we would have been mortified at the time we looked out to see him mowing the lawn in cut off work pants, no shirt (but hairy chest), red suspenders, black ankle socks, and slip on canvas shoes.  In fact, to be honest, not only was I not embarrassed it is one of my favorite dad memories.  (In fact, I probably have mentioned it before.) I think perhaps Mom was a bit mortified, but even she had to laugh.  That's our dad and the man she married!  (Obviously there was no homeowner's association during those days, or possibly we would have been cited because surely there would have been an ordinance against it.  Or he would have led to its creation!)

My dad has listened to my work tales over the years and has been one of my best advisers.  While sometimes we think he does not think about things like office politics, when he was working in jobs that were more corporate in nature he recognized the writing on the wall.  If your boss was displaced and you were put in their position, know that at some point it could happen to you.  There always needs to be a realistic view of things and a recognition that things really aren't personal.  Decisions are often made that, when broken down, are made sometimes for arbitrary reasons and others for reasons that are for business purposes without recognition of what they will do to people on a personal basis.  That's just the way it is.  You need to plan for those times.

While my dad is an engineer by education, much of his work life was spent working in family businesses.  He worked with his dad and his brothers in their heating and air conditioning business for years and then went into a construction/real estate/property management business with his brother Darrell.  They were a good team.  Dad's engineering skills came in handy as they built apartments and solved those backroom types of problems.  My uncle Darrell was more of a people person and paid attention to the relational side of the business.  Both could be stubborn, both were opinionated, but whatever the disagreement neither of them were the types that held a grudge.  They would reach a decision and go on.  He worked with some of his other brothers over the years, and you would see the same sort of interaction.  I think my siblings and I inherited this trait from those McKinney men.....and it is one I most appreciate.  The way that family should not only work together, but be in general.  You speak your mind, and you go on.  You don't carry it with you into the future.  Love unconditionally, lived out in the real world.  Or maybe short memories.

The engineer part of my dad has also always been a part of him, and is another thing he passed on to us.  He approaches a problem by taking a look, tearing it apart (either mentally or physically), and putting it back together again.  Emotion is not part of the equation....it's mostly science.  While I don't do as well about keeping emotion out of things, I did inherit the ability to step back from it as I look at the issue.  I am different...I throw the emotion back in at the end.  But the problem solving skills have definitely come in handy in life, and I am glad that I learned from a great teacher.

He has always loved work so much, I used to wonder if he would ever be able to retire.  While he hasn't stopped working completely (he still is involved in the family business...Myrtle Place Apartments...if anyone you know needs an apartment recommend them!), he has stepped back and taken some time for retirement.  I am grateful that he is healthy and strong (despite a bad back!) and that he still teaches us that hard work is a gift in itself and the best way that a good life is earned. 

A Day for My Dad (Who May Not Realize It Is Father's Day If We Don't Tell Him)

Dad and my niece Maggie

I always thought Dad was an excellent listener.....well, until the day I realized the "Uh-huh, uh-huh, ooooooohhhhhhh" was simply patter he did by rote.  I didn't realize this for a long time.  One day I realized this patter had evidently been used for years to make me think he was paying attention.  In retrospect, I don't think he really listened to a word I said growing up.  He was really reading the paper.  But it worked for me, I guess.  I felt like he listened and I really never waited for feedback.  Just needed to talk it through and reach my own conclusions.  Am still very much like that.  Will listen to advice, and consider it, but I best solve problems by thinking out loud or writing it all down and then going with the conclusion that seems right for me. Good thing I didn't really need someone listening, huh? 

My dad was one of those parents who actually enjoyed the "new math" (while my friend's parents talked about it in cursing tones).  He was eager to help us with our math homework, because for him it was fun.  He bought math books himself so he could read about it and if I remember correctly maybe even took a class so he could get a bit of extra knowledge.  We spent hours at the side of his chair, watching him work through the problems.  I never captured the bug. I usually did well at math, but probably due to his guidance and natural ability....there was no love there for me.  Definitely no passion.

Besides math books and the newspaper, his other reading material was Popular Science. Or a manual or some sort. He'd read the complicated text for a night or so and then go take a test and Bang!....he was a licensed plumber.  Another one and Bang!...he was a licensed electrician.  During our childhood Dad read no fiction, ever.  He read the directions....for everything.  He memorized the directions, in fact.  I, who only will read directions as a last resort and often will just give up and throw in the towel to avoid it, did not inherit this from him.

Dad is the slowest reader ever (sorry Dad....but I really think you are) and that drove me crazy.  He devoured every single word.  He remembers everything he reads...I guess because he thinks about each word carefully as he reads it.  He probably remembers the intricate details of things he read 50 years ago.  But if you had to wait for him to finish the Parade magazine in the Sunday paper before you could read it (and it would only take you 2 minutes), this was not something you would appreciate about him.  In fact, you would find it annoying.  Thankfully I didn't want to read anything else he read....but every Sunday morning I waited and waited for that Parade magazine. And no....he wouldn't consider reading anything else for two minutes so I could get it read. The newspaper must be read in a certain order,  Parade magazine came first...and Dad exercised his parental first reading rights when it came to the newspaper.  His darling children could have wrinkled the pages or something if we had first look, which would have been totally unacceptable.

When my friends bought their first cars, their dads spent hours discussing and advising with them about it.  They went with them to the car lots to test drive.  Many bought it for them.  When I asked my dad for advice, he said "Kimberley, you can research it as well as I can.  Do your research and go and talk to them and ask questions."  When I whined that all the other dads were going with their daughters he said "You're a smart girl.  You can handle it."  Yeah, there was a little bit of pride that he felt me capable.  But I still would have preferred he do it for me.  Honestly, I am not independent by nature.  It was born of necessity.


Dad doesn't usually see the emotional side of things.  Someone can insult my dad to his face...but they won't get a reaction.  Even if he would happen to notice (and honestly, I don't think he does), he really doesn't care.  Tell him some juicy gossip, he will not pass it on.....it wouldn't occur to him to do so.  He either doesn't notice or doesn't care.  Someone can throw a dramatic scene in front of him....he is not going to react.  He either doesn't notice or doesn't care.  You snub him by not inviting him to a social event.   He either wouldn't notice or wouldn't care.  As I have gotten older and noticed how my dad handles this sort of thing, I recognize the wisdom of it.

While he doesn't notice things that other people do, oddly I have a hyper-sensitivity for noticing those sorts of things.  I tend to notice every nuance and every slight.   Intuition is a great thing, but it also can lead to pain.  I have learned that when I find myself getting over-emotional about these people-type issues, Dad's handling has merit.  I should refuse to notice or if I do, I shouldn't care.  Amazing, but when you take out that emotional factor and look at things logically, you find out that there are lots of things that produce anxiety in our lives that just really aren't that important.  And being mad at people for silly things (and most things are silly) is really your own time wasted.   I think possibly Dad figured out the road to contentment a long time ago.  I find that as I am older I am leaning toward that direction, but I am not quite there yet.  I will still notice if you are mean to me.  But I also will probably get over it.  Or get over you.  But there probably won't be much drama.

Dad has always been so strong.....both physically and emotionally.  Definitely someone you can lean on if you need to.  The kind of dad whose arms you will jump into if he tells you he will catch you...because you know he will.  He can do almost anything.  He is amazing at fixing things and figuring things out.  If something breaks, Dad usually can fix it.  (Or, as in the case of electronics, will acknowledge that it is out of his realm.)  Another thing that he didn't quite pass on to me....but something that I have always taken for granted about him and enjoy seeing in the other men in my life (brothers, brothers-in-law, nephews and friends.)  

While Dad spent a lot of his time devoted to work growing up, he has changed as he has gotten older.  I would have never believed he would enjoy retirement, but he does.  He is easily amused....a quality I definitely (and gratefully) got from him.  He can putter around and find some silly thing to capture his interest for hours.  He needs little to enjoy his life.  He actually reads fiction now....I would never have believed I would be swapping reading material with him....and liking it!  He is an amazing gardener and keeps their yard flawless.  And he mows my lawn, too....just because he knows that if I mow it with my push mower, it takes a bit chunk of my free time.  It's such a gift to me.

Dad's media setup is like the internal workings of NASA spacecraft....too complicated for me to even turn on the remote.  Especially since the first problem is to find which remote to use first. 

Dad doesn't usually tune me out these days.....he now seems to listen to what I have to say.  When he gives me feedback it is logical and sound and demonstrates that he recognizes who I am am.  He still does not dictate how I should live.....nor does he force an opinion, though like me at heart he is quite stubborn and opinionated (I was doomed....I got this from both of my parents.)  He still thinks I am a smart girl who can make good decisions for myself.  He allows me to talk through things, occasionally interjecting a question or comment here and there (and an occasional eye roll...something I must have inherited from him), and is still confident that I am going to come up with the right answers on my own.  Or if I don't, I will find a solution.  There is no pressure to adopt his way of thinking or to be any way in particular.  I get to live my own life.

Dad has been a constant and stable force every day of my life.  Like my mom, he was ready to be a parent when they had children.  And they were partners in raising us.  Fatherhood was a bit different back in my growing up years, and with different expectations.  For most there was commitment to the responsibility that they took on.  Today I often see kids with parents who aren't fully committed....parents whose own needs come before the needs of their children.  Parents who don't care much about the kind of human beings they are raising or the kind of example they are to them.  Parents who just don't spend much time with them.  Even when my dad was preoccupied with work when we were growing up, he was there every night (probably somewhat due to my mom's insistence.)  Yeah, maybe he was ignoring my words when I rambled during those childhood years, but he was physically there.  And he listened when it mattered.  And he built trust.  I don't only love him, but I respect him.  It is for a reason...I have watched him, seen his consistency, and know he is solid.  He is a man who can be counted on.  For life.  That's my dad. And I think I will keep him!