What's That in the Mirror? Oh, My Own Advice Slapping Me in the Face!

Mirrors are really amazing things.  They reflect our image back to us.  Sometimes it is a surprise....like when you look in the mirror and realize that at some point you gained weight and had not noticed.  Or gained a few wrinkles.  Or are most often sporting a frown.  The images can be curious and discouraging.  At other times you look in the mirror and notice you are smiling and are happy....and it lifts your heart and makes you smile even more.

Start to give advice to someone, and sometimes you find that a mirror appears.  As you speak, it reflects that advice back to you.  Sometimes the image that you see, isn't quite what you expected.

I know what I believe, I know how I want to live, but sometimes I find that I forget to live in a way that is consistent with that framework.  I've had a couple of ah-ha moments with regard to that lately.  One time I had a friend who wanted some advice on a struggle they were having.  I started telling them what I thought about the issue, started telling them how I thought they should approach the problem, and all of a sudden a voice inside my head said "Kim, listen to yourself." 

When I did, it almost knocked me over.  What I was telling them was exactly what I needed to be applying to my own life.  It was almost embarrassing!  It didn't change what I told them....I still felt it was true and good advice.  But it made me think about my own problem and realize that I wasn't living in a way that was consistent with advice I would give to a friend. I needed to befriend myself and consider that advice.

I'd like to tell you it made me run out and change everything!  No, that didn't happen.  Well, in some ways it did.  I changed the way I was addressing my problem over all.  Nothing that would completely change my life overnight, but something that will lead to a solution in the long  run.  It wasn't something that could only be handled one-dimensionally.  I needed a plan that encompassed several different directions.  And I needed a personal attitude change. I was obsessing over the problem....wondering who was to blame and feeling quite sorry for myself because I didn't think I was at fault.  Yeah OK....human....but it kept me working toward a solution and started bring out character flaws in me I would prefer to die.

Another incident happened a few days ago that also reflected my own advice back to me, but from a different angle.  I was catching up with another young friend through Instant Message, one of the college guys that was part of our chase crew at a balloon festival I attended in Mexico in November. He had been struggling with several difficult issues the last time I had seen him.  Back then we talked  a lot then about making decisions for your life that would lead you to a happy life for the long term.  Of course, that was advice I was giving him as a college student who was making some pretty big changes at a critical juncture.  Not being at that point in my life, I didn't think about any sort of self-application.

During the course of our catch-up conversation he asked how my life was.  I told him it was good overall, but I was struggling in one particular area.  The young whippersnapper reminded me of what I told him when we talked in Mexico.  That you should be happy in all areas of your life, and if not happy you needed to make changes.  He was right....and I had to laugh.  He had listened to what I said and remembered and had applied it to his own life.  Now he was turning the mirror back to me so I would do the same.

Often we think life-changing advice is for the young; but we never reach an age where it stops.  A retirement from life, coasting through, is never appropriate (regardless of what our culture tells us.) We should always be purposeful people who live our lives well and with intention.  We should be doing more than taking up space.  In fact, the older we are the more responsibility we have to others, I think.....to help those who are younger make good decisions and learn from our own history.  To encourage those of all ages.  To make our mark on the world based on the wisdom we have gained.  The life decisions we make are still important.  The experience we have gained is important.  And having the guts and the heart to offer advice is part of our purpose.

Recently I saw a series of answers to the question "When do you give advice?"  Most people said "Only when asked."  I am grateful that, if answered truthfully, this would not be the answer of most of my friends and family members.  Their answer would be more on the level of constantly!  I don't always take the advice given (as many of you know), but often I do.  And I always (OK...often) consider it and appreciate it.  We shouldn't take it personally if people don't take our advice and it shouldn't keep us from giving it.  It's an odd kind of gift, but one that we shouldn't force people to take.  We do our part when we give people alternatives....options for solving life's problems.  I LOVE free will, and thank God for the ability to make my own decisions, but it's also good to not have to figure out life all on your own.  It's good to have people who care enough to lend us their brains. 

Mirrors are more than things that show our reflection.  I remember when I was young using them to make things burn.   (OK, maybe I have also done it since I have been older and it is still fun!)  I don't want to live a life that is lukewarm.  I want one that is full and on fire.  So as the reflection of my own words, ideas and beliefs come back for me to review, I need to take my own advice. 

I used the word happy to describe how our life should be when I gave advice to my friend. I don't actually think that is the best word to use.  Things on the outside can impact happy.  When I am more careful in my word choices, I think my advice to him and me and all of you is that as we make choices in our life we need to strive for joy.  That thing that comes from inside out, regardless of our circumstances, fills us up like a cup of hot chocolate and warms us like a blanket.  It is the contentment that comes from knowing that you have a purpose, and are fulfilling that purpose.  Or looking in the mirror and seeing the face of God.

Graduating, Growing Up, and Becoming MacGyver

OK, here is what I remember about my high school graduation (North Iredell High School, Class of 1978.  Yeah....long time ago.....stuns me, too.)

• My friend Regina Bridges (Dawson) was salutatorian.  Sorry Regina, but I do not remember one word of your speech.  I am sure if we dug it out, though, we could find ways you inspired my life!  But let's face it.....you inspired my life more just by being my friend all of these years.  But you looked really good up there....I do remember that.
• It rained....or threatened to rain.....so we had to move the whole thing indoors.  Which meant that none of what we had rehearsed worked quite the same.
• While your row sat down, the row in back of you was filing out toward the stage.  Chris Rehardt was not behind me in rehearsal, but now inside was on that row.  He went by and as I was very daintily sitting down, he pulled my chair out from under me.  All of my stuff went flying.  I did not fall down (probably because we were so crammed in there, there was no room to fall.)  Still, I made a scene and Chris laughed all the way up to the stage and when he was getting his diploma.  I am glad someone was entertained.  (And OK....as much as a jerk he was, it was well timed.  I concede the point.)

College graduation (UNC-CH, Class of 1982) came and I did not want to go to the ceremony.  My mother insisted.....she said they had paid for my college, and by golly, they were going to see me graduate.  I am sure they probably regretted it since a Carolina graduation is a madhouse.  But thankfully they don't hand out diplomas.  I remember two things from this graduation.  One of my fellow RTVMP broadcast journalism majors was our class president.  Knowing him well, I did a lot of head shaking and eye rolling during his speech.  Won't go into why, but probably did impact my feelings of politicians.  The only other thing I remembered was the bottles of champagne coming down the rows.  Our own little communion.  When you are a proud graduate of the School of Radio, Television, and Motion Pictures (now defunct), you start preparing for real life even during the ceremony.  (Note:  I was a broadcast journalism major.....which, of course, is a slight bit classier the other RTVMP majors.  Shhhhh.... don't tell anyone I said that.)

I also remember running into my favorite professor on our walk through campus after the ceremony.  He looked quite distinguished in his black faculty robe, and I shocked my mom when I took off running and essentially jumped in his arms and hugged him.  Evidently they don't do that sort of thing with teachers in Wales.  He was my tough as nails editing teacher in the Journalism school.....and he succeeded in finally teaching me how to learn to spell the word "license."  He had claimed I could spell it any way but the right one.  He was what all people should be as teachers....devoted to making sure you got it right, encouraging but also disappointed when you weren't living up to your potential, and a real guy who also shared his real life with us.  He had exceptional skills as a journalist.....and he wanted us to be even better than him.  (Yea for Mr. Raleigh Mann!) 

In between then and now I have attended way too many graduation ceremonies.  You really don't have to invite me to yours.  I will be happy to just attend the party or celebrate later...or even not at all!  Most are horrid and meaningless.  Let's be honest.

I was so happy today that North Iredell seems to have mastered the graduation.  It's early morning, so you aren't there in the worst of the heat and you still have time afterwards for your day.  It gives kids times to celebrate a bit, but then hit the road for the beach and arrive in daylight.  The ceremony was about as short as it could be, but almost exclusively about the kids and not some long-winded faculty member.  And it was in many ways simply a celebration for a bunch of good kids....who I think are going to do great things for our world.  A meaningful graduation.

So since they didn't ask me to give a speech, at either NIHS or Carolina, here are a few words of advice for the great graduates of 2012 (and anyone else who may need to have a little mental graduation of their own!):

• Keep the optimism, keep the joy.  People will try to steal it from you, and things will happen to make you think life isn't that great, but I promise you....it really, really is.  When life seems bad, regroup and refresh.  Take a look around you at the people who seem old (even those that are your age.)  They are generally the people who prefer to lead with pessimism.  Don't let them impact you.  Avoid them if necessary.  Hang as much as possible with the people who find reasons to smile at life.  But not those who fake smile.  They should annoy you.
• Be bold.  Go for all of the good things the world has to offer you.  When you feel like hanging back remember this verse  "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." 2 Tim. 1:7.   Focus not on the desire to hang back, but focus on those gifts of power, love, and self-discipline.  Much can come from putting them into action.  They are the answer to a lot of the questions in life.
• Explore the nouns of the world - The people, the places, the things....there is so much out there.  The nouns of the real world will bring you much pleasure.....and there are a lot out there to explore.
• Confront the negatives.  You will face what appear to be overwhelming obstacles.  Do not walk away.  Find a way around them, over them, or through them.  Be creative.  Be fearless.  Be smart.  When you win these battles, you will find they give you extra strength and confidence that will be useful as you attack the next negative.  And there will always be another negative!  
• Don't necessarily let your wrapping be a box.  Boxes are confining.  And require that you conform to them.  Sometimes they may be how you present yourself, because sometimes it pays to appear normal and respect the rules and convention.  But sometimes you need to pop out of a gift bag and surprise people with who you are and who you can be.  Other times you have to wrap yourself in cellophane so people can see the gift you are without having to unwrap it.  Whichever form you take, be a beautiful package.  Make it your goal to be a gift to the world.....whether people notice it or not.
• Develop your character.  I won't ever tell you that it doesn't matter what people think about you, because frankly it does.  Still, the person you are when no one is looking is where your character is found.  That is actually what defines who you are.  Hit the fender of someone's car in a parking lot?  Don't just drive away.  The boss isn't around at work?  Work hard anyway.  Have the opportunity to cheat at something and never get caught?  Don't do it.  Character building is a lifelong discipline....but it's like an exercise.  If you start now, and make it part of who you are, your strength of character will be of Olympic proportions one day.  Let that be a goal.
• Watch your money.  My prayer for you is that you have to work hard for every dollar and get to know the value of working for everything you have.  So many kids today never seem to have to do that and I feel they are being shortchanged.  The truth is that you deserve nothing you haven't worked for.  And sometimes you need to work for free.  There is great value in hard work.   So work hard.  Make your own money....and use it for good things.
• Care about debt.  I'd say that a good plan is to not spend anything you haven't already earned.  But if you must borrow money, pay it back.  I don't care if you borrowed it from your parents, family members, a friend, a stranger, a credit card company, a business, someone with tons of money to spare, or someone you have lost track of....find a way to pay it back.  We've become careless with debt and even your own country buys things it doesn't have the money for.  Be a good example to our government and everyone else in our world.  Always think of interest as your rental fee for money....and fully check out the full cost of that rental before you enter that arrangement.  But once you do....pay what you agreed.  Even if you didn't know what you were getting into in the first place.
• Don't make excuses.  There will always be someone to blame.  Just don't.  Accept responsibility for your actions and be strong enough to see that your decisions lead to your consequences.  Don't bore people with the details.
• Take care of your body.  You know more about health and fitness than any other generation that has come before you.  Don't be stupid.  Cherish that body you have been given and keep it healthy for the long term.  
• Build community.  You can struggle through life on your own, or you can realize you weren't placed on this earth in a bubble.  Life is more fun shared, and burdens are much easier.  Notice other people, and let them get to know you.  Volunteer to help others whenever you can.  Ask for help if you need it.  But often more valuable is to ask them to teach you how to do things in case you need to do it yourself in the future.
• Learn when to say no and when to say yes.  Little words that mean so very much.  Don't be a wimp.  Use them carefully!
• "Dance with the one who brung ya" - In other words, don't forget who you got you to this place.  Along the way in life there are people who invested in your life, be it family, friends, teachers and in some cases strangers.  When the bright and shiny new people come along, don't forget they are there. Most of all, though, you were created by God.  Don't forget Him.  Or if you haven't met yet, get to know Him.  Not as a friend of a friend, or as a friend of the family, but have your own relationship.  That's the only one that counts.

I wish I had been a bit more open to all of the possibilities of the world at both of my graduations.  I'm still learning.  I wish I would have thrown that cap up in the air a bit higher.....but I didn't want to lose the cap.  But maybe I should have.....because graduation in itself means little.  It is just a ceremony that says "You have earned a new tool.  You are MacGyver.  You may use this tool, or you may find something else that gets the job done better.  You are smart.  You are savy.  You are the star of your own show.  But your show can be cancelled at any time, so work as hard as you can so that when it is over, you can look back at it and have it be something that makes you proud."  (And yes, dear graduates, I understand that you may not know MacGyver.  That is your next assignment.  Talk to the old people or look him up on Youtube!  And yes, he was cute.  But he was better than that....he was smart and useful and looked out for the needs of others!)

Knowing Me

When I lived in the Raleigh/Cary area a great guy named Tim was my hair stylist.  Tim was really great with my cut......and always accommodating to my schedule.   Since days were difficult for me, my appointment times were sometimes set up to 10:00 at night.  (He wasn't a morning person....he didn't mind.)  And he was flat out fun to hang out with.....never a dull moment.  (And getting a haircut...not usually the stuff of entertainment!)

I've colored my hair since I was in my 20s and almost always did it myself.  I like playing around with it and I've never had the patience to wait through the process in a salon, even though that may get me a better result, but it just takes too much time (another result of a short attention span)!  One night, during a 9:00 p.m. appointment, Tim finally talked me into letting him do my color.  It was his specialty and he had been anxious to do it.  I was tired and the idea of the extra pampering sounded good....so I agreed.

When Tim mixed up the color, I looked at it and said "Tim, that's way too red."  I have a bit of an issue with red for my hair.  For some reason hair stylists love to color my hair with red tones and I never have liked it that color....but always figured they knew what looked better on me than I did,so usually just let them.  But this was worse than the norm......the color he mixed was this BRIGHT true red color.  I balked.  I said "Tim, my hair tends to suck up color....that's going to be really red and I don't want my hair really red."  Tim said  "Kim, I am the professional.  This is my specialty.  This color will be perfect on your hair.  It will just give you a soft red glow when you are under lights.  Trust me.  I used this same formula on someone else recently and it is was just a subtle change."  So...I conceded.  He was the professional.  While I had colored my hair probably a hundred times, I had never had one lesson on how to do it properly (just lessons learned from screwing it up.) He'd had tons of lessons with some of the best colorists in the country.  Logically it made sense that he knew better than me.  So....I let him do it his way.

He put on the color, I waited while it processed, and then it was time to wash it out.  As Tim was washing, he said "Ummmm........Kim.......you're not ever going to see this.  But I can fix it.  I promise."

How could I not see it?  There was no way I wasn't going to look (though he begged.)  A few swivels and bumps and I was at the mirror.  My hair was this amazing color of bright red.  Not red that anyone would have as a natural hair color.  More like the color where you would teach a child their colors.  Primary color red.  Bozo red.  Red, red, red, red, red.  Red that I didn't think was even possible mixed with my dark brown hair.

It made me laugh.  I didn't stop laughing most of that night.  Tim wasn't laughing quite as hard, but he also had to laugh at himself a bit.  He knew he would never live it down.  Not sure he enjoyed my mocking "But you are the professional."  (Maybe I said it to much.)  He did fix it.....though we were there until well after 1 a.m. (with work early for me the next day) doing it.  But it reminded me of a very simple thing.... while I may not be a professional at a lot of things, there is no greater expert on me!

I now embrace that.  I will almost always ask for the advice of others, and listen to the opinions of others when I am stewing over something in my brain..... I have wonderful smart, opinionated friends and family members, and they have incredible judgment (most of them....usually.)  But if you are the type that gets insulted if your advice is not taken, it's probably best not to offer it to me.  Well, you can.....but you just may feel insulted.  Only I can take info and twirl it around in my brain and see if it gels with my own thoughts and my own sense of timing.  Only I can see if it lines up with my own morals and values and how I want to conduct my life.  Only I can see if it seems to resonate with the inner urgings of the spirit.  Only I have that added expertise that no other person will ever have....the sum combination of who I am.

You don't become an expert on yourself living passively or always acting on the urgings of others.  It actually requires a bit of work.  I know a few "child people" who will never make a decision for themselves if there is anyone else around to do it.  If you choose to be like this, there are many people around that are more than willing to take the control.  And yes, you can always blame them when something goes wrong and say "Well, it wasn't my idea."  Usually if you are this personality, though, you won't  be that outspoken....you will just quietly act the passive-aggressive victim and enjoy when others do it for you.  You never take the reigns of your own life and accept responsibility for your own actions.  It's always the fault of someone else if it doesn't work out.  (Can you tell that this bothers me in a person?!)

To become an expert on yourself, however, you have to look at yourself as you really are.  Your strengths and your weaknesses.  In balance and unemotionally.  You have to know what you believe and what you don't believe.  You have to be willing to make a decision for yourself, and live with the consequences of that decision.  You can't blame others if you make the decision to take their advice and it does not turn out well.  When you adopted it, it became your decision.  Most of all, though, to become an expert on yourself you have to pay attention to yourself.  Not to who you want to be, but who you really are.

I've talked to people with health problems that were upset they were not diagnosed by their doctors correctly or quickly, but then after talking to them for a while you realize when they talked to their doctor they left out pertinent information about what was really going on with their bodies.  They either made symptoms less than they were, were embarrassed with what was going on so uncomfortable mentioning it (so they didn't), or expecting to be asked for all of the specifics and not ready to offer any information not  requested.   They didn't mention what had changed with their body, or with their life, or important things about their past history.  They expected their doctors to go on a fishing expedition in unknown territory....and while they could be a guide, they refused to do it.  And then they complained that there wasn't fish for dinner. 

The professionals in your life can give great advice.  The hairdressers, the doctors, your boss, your lawyer, your friends and family members.....you should listen to what they have to say and consider whether it resonates as something you should do.  But it is your responsibility to bring the you to the equation.  That should be your specialty.  Don't discount your ability to be your own expert.  And your ability to say "That's not right for me."

"Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom."  Aristotle