These Sad Times

Is anyone else almost overwhelmed with the sad lately? Do you feel like saying "Wait a minute, God, I need a few days to catch up. Are you paying attention to what's going on here? Please, can't you send a bit more happy...or even just a few more days of numbness?"

It's a weird time. As most of you know I just got back from an an amazing trip to Japan with my zestful, joyful, and "full of life" niece, Maggie.  Most of you also know we left still raw from the devastating death of my great nephew Kaelan. A few of you might know we went right after the chilling loss of my cousin Jason. I missed Jason's memorial service. My family understood and was supportive, but I wanted to be there. I wanted to hug his parents and his brother, and absorb some of their pain. Oh, maybe you can't absorb the pain of others....but you hope in some way being there for them can. I think it helps. And I wanted to be there...because family is there when you go through the best of times, the worst of times, and all days in between. And while my family is large in number, every single one of us matters and counts and is necessary for us to be whole.

There have been other suicides in our community lately.  Not only those that devastated my family, but also some that greatly impacted the lives of others that I love. What is happening to our world? What do we do to soothe the tortured soul? How do we recognize they're drowning and get them to grab onto the life preserver?

Orlando happened....and as if the massacre itself wasn't enough of a blow to our nation, the hate that some put out after hearing the news was stunning. Some said that because this happened in a gay nightclub, that these victims deserved it. I felt such despair at the very condition of mankind when I heard this was happening....and frustrated knowing that this kind of thought bred the hate that led to the massacre in the first place.How can anyone, especially Christians professing to speak in the name of God, smugly look at such carnage and say that people deserved it? Have these people forgotten the one requirement to them being a Christian is to acknowledge their own sin? To realize that their sin alone grieves God? That measuring the sin of others is fruitless, and when we do so we always see a distorted picture? When you are pointing fingers at others you are not looking into the face of God and following him.

We who are Christians should not be messengers of woe, but witnesses of hope. We should not be feared for the retribution we shovel out on others by the bucketload  ....instead, we should be a haven from the evil of the world, a beacon in darkness, salve to damaged and hurting souls, compassion for those who go astray. Our message should be "I am here for you, God is here, too. We will stand in harm's way for you and protect you. Even from yourself." That should even be our message to hate-filled Christians. Often that is where I am most challenged.

We all mourn differently. I am not the sackcloth and ashes type. I find it pointless. I want to find purpose in the pain. I want lives we have lost to matter....for others to know about them...and for their life to be more significant than their death. I am still learning how to make this happen, but that is my goal.

In church today we studied Mark 1, where Jesus told Simon and his brother Andrew to follow him and learn how to be "fishers of men". What stood out to me was what they would have seen next. Jesus heals a lot of people. He identified needs and met them. It doesn't mention once him taking his disciples on a sin identification field trip. It doesn't appear that was what Jesus thought was most important for them to learn.

I'm a bit impatient with wall builders at the moment....people who cut people off in this world. People who are different than them, people who exercise their freedom in ways they don't like, people who bruise their sensibilities, people who hurt their feelings...they try to build their world so they don't ever encounter them. 

If this is you, get over it. Get out and mingle. Use your words and talk it out. When others don't agree with your opinions, remember that they don't have to. Talk to them, calmly and rationally. Mostly listen. Actively. You may learn something. They may learn something. Maybe in this world of paradox, you are both right. People are imperfect and insensitive and often just brats....but don't let it stop you. Love them where they are. Don't enable their behavior, but don't condemn and isolate. Does hate, slamming doors in the faces of the world, really help? I can't see that it ever has.

When in Japan we visited Hiroshima. It was thought-provoking. I was reminded that from carnage, hope and peace can grow. Good things can happen. You can choose to treasure grudges, build walls, shut out every one of those who brought you pain, and retaliate against them...or you can use the circumstance to make you stop and acknowledge the senselessness of such gestures and instead build something good.

I've asked God "Why?" a lot lately. I've looked at my own life and tried to dissect how I can better love in a way that plants goodness and breeds love. How I can open my eyes to those who are hurting and instead of instinctively running in the other direction (as I would prefer), stand my ground and open my arms?

I was not created for hate. I was created for love. I was not created to isolate. I was created to live in a world full of diverse people and be at peace with them. I was not created for despair. I was created for hope. 

I can be sad for all that has been lost, but I should not allow myself to remain overwhelmed. God is here. In the midst of it all are seeds of joy. Let's plant these seeds in the name of hope. Let's bring healing and beauty to our sad world.

Don't End The Story Too Soon

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend, And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry. This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare

I was in my twenties. Poor. Not poor like many in their twenties today.... living independently on my paltry salary and poor enough that I would get my paycheck and would have about $15 for incidentals after bills were paid. That needed to last two weeks. Most of my friends were just as poor as me....we bonded over free and cheap food and entertainment. It was one of the best times of my life. We lived in crappy apartments or houses, with one or more roommates, and would pass possessions around as we each had need of them. We'd go through each other's Goodwill bags. The 80s version of communal living. Some of my very best friends came into my life during that time. It was an important time of life for me. I think many parents today do a disservice to their kids when they try to protect them and don't allow them to experience those years. There are a lot of lessons to be learned when you "have not"...and a lot of character to build along the way.

I had a friend who needed money. $300. A fortune to me. Because of many hours of working overtime, I had built up an amount in my bank account just over that (maybe $325!) I didn't hand it over quickly. It was precious and the first time I had a bit of a nest egg. But she said no one else would lend her the money. I had already determined I wanted to be generous in my life, so I did it. I lent her the money. I never asked what it was for. I believed her when she said the money would be paid back in two weeks.

You may know what's coming. Two weeks came and she didn't have the money. I don't think I said anything at all. I just waited. Time continued to go by. No word. Occasional promises to repay, but they were never met. No plan was ever formulated for getting it back to me. No dollar a week, until it was done. She continued to live quite well. Better than me, in fact. Her own apartment (while I had to have a roommate to make ends meet), beautiful clothes. Yet I still considered her a friend. And I still thought she would pay me back.

When I began to realize the payment didn't seem to be forthcoming, it really wasn't the money that bothered me. It was how I didn't seem to matter to her. I still was struggling. I had a car that was forever breaking down. It broke down once again and I needed the money to pay for repairs. I finally went to her and asked for it. The first time I had done it directly. She said she didn't have it. She had just put down a down payment for a house. She didn't seem to see a problem with that. It was what finally broke my heart and made me walk away. Had she continued to pursue the friendship, I am sure I would have relented. But she didn't....and finally I didn't. I realized she was out of my life. Or maybe I realized I was out of hers.

I admit I was bitter for a while. Not for a long while, but long enough to realize I didn't like feeling that way. I finally had a heart to heart with God. Yeah, I needed to change. While I didn't think that meant going back and trying to re-kindle the friendship, I had to give up the bitterness. And the mental hold on the money. I learned to replace the negative feelings with praying for her good when she came to mind. That helped. I also remembered that I really own nothing. I am lent it by God. Yes, I earned my way by working....but still, it can all be gone tomorrow. It won't mean anything on the other side of heaven...though I can enjoy it today as a good gift. So I had to accept the money as gone and move on with a joyful heart. Usually I was successful.

I learned a lot about being a good steward of my money going forward. To give generously, but judiciously. Not to lend money to people with money problems (if you can't handle what you have, more will usually not help.) Not to lend money when the person had no direct plan to pay it back, a strong worth ethic, or a history of financial responsibility. Not to lend money I couldn't afford to never see again. Not to lend money with the expectation that those who borrow it will pay it back. Not to lend money to people who I want in my life in the future.

But wait, there's more....fast forward to today. I seldom use my laptop, since my iPad is so easy to use, but I had it out and noticed some Facebook messages I had never seen before. Evidently there is a separate box apart from my Inbox. Evidently messages from people who are not your Facebook friends go there. Evidently you don't see this box on your iPad. There was a message from this former friend from last October. She said she lost touch and over time forgot my last name. She saw something about the balloon festival in Statesville and the reporter's last name was McKinney (not sure who that was...but interesting. Especially since I had nothing to do with ballooning when I knew her.) She said the name clicked. She found my Facebook account and sent this message. She wanted to pay back the $300. She asked for my address.

Yes, it was a shock. A good one. Will I get it back? I hope so. It's not the money that matters the most to me....it's the fact that she really didn't forget. That she has made some effort to do it. That it stayed in some part of her brain for over 20 years and on some level she cares about it all.

The old quote from Hamlet says "neither a borrower or a lender be" and I think there is some wisdom in that. I think instead we should be givers. Scripture tells us to give hilariously....and I think I have mentioned in a past blog that I love that concept. We should give until we're so overcome with laughter at our own outrageousness that we are gasping to breathe. But you know, even then I think we need to engage our mind. At least some of us do....those who are capable or led that way. Perhaps others should give just as they feel, but that has never seemed right for me. I think we need to plant in good soil. Pay attention to where the seed is going. We need to give certain people a hand up. But I think part of giving hilariously is not to be so concerned about what happens with it when it leaves our hand. To sometimes throw it in the air with abandon and see where it falls. There are lessons to be learned from watching the results, certainly. I have made bad decisions in the past and learned from them. But we can't get too hung up on making these mistakes....we learn and carry on. And regardless, we don't let bitterness in. It's only money....much less valuable than peace of mind.

But there is one more thing. The most important point here, I think. Don't end a story before its time. It may not be over yet. When we think we have it all figured out, God surprises us. I thought my friend didn't care to remember, but somewhere deep in her heart she did. It's difficult to track someone down after 20 years to pay an old debt. But she has. She showed me by her message that she remembered some if the good parts of our friendship...that she still had the memories. I'm glad. I don't ever expect my friends to be perfect, but when I see them doing the right thing? I can't help but be proud. Regardless of how long it takes. My heart is touched....and I am glad my version of the story wasn't entirely correct. This version makes me smile....and cry.

"The End" May Be The Start of a Sequel

I remember back when I was in college and Ronald Reagan was elected president the first time.  He wasn't a popular presidential choice at UNC that year.  It was difficult not to get caught up in the drama of it all.  I remember one guy in my dorm in particular, who was devastated when he heard the outcome of the election.  He wasn't anyone I knew well, but I have always remembered his reaction and can almost still channel his emotion of that day.  He said he might as well just go and pack his bags, because he knew the draft was coming back!  I can't properly convey the feeling, but it was a dramatic reaction.  He felt it strongly and purely.  I felt his fear and it really impacted me.  There was an air of doom, and a feeling of powerlessness.  I remember just feeling sad for everyone.....and also scared of what was to come.

Let's fast forward to now and look back at that time.  Nope, that guy never was sent to war against his will. Ronald Reagan was actually OK as president, and probably is one of our more beloved presidents of all time.  Most of us graduated from college without incident.  The economy improved, and we entered the post-college world in good spirits.  And for most of us in college at that time, life has been pretty good.

So many things in my life have seemed like that.  When I think the bottom has fallen out from under me, I find that the sub-floor contains some pretty cool things.  Maybe not what I expected, but sometimes exactly what I needed comes at me in a way that stuns and delights. 

That's my hope with Amendment One.  I don't think that the story is over yet in NC. And I believe that eventually good things will come out of it all.  Maybe not the things that are expected....but things that I believe are truly honoring to God and in line with His plan for our world.  The good that I see is that people took stands and publicly stated what they believed.  That doesn't happen enough these days, and especially in North Carolina.  What is really scary are things that lurk in the dark.  And when things come out in the light, when you know what other people are thinking, and they know what you are thinking, you can really have good conversations and figure out the solution to problems.  Unless your passion and your self-centeredness blinds you to the people around you, and their fears, their hopes, their dreams, their needs.  My hope for us all is that we see each other, that we listen to each other, and that we respect each other as we continue the conversations.

When I read, on occasion I will read a book and be so disappointed when it comes to an end.  I get to know the characters and love them, and don't want to leave their lives.  How I relish when a sequel to it comes along....seeing them in a slightly altered place, a slightly altered situation, but having the old familiarity.  We have finished one book, and begun the sequel.  Let us be the characters that are the heroes, and be used to save our world.

“Listen to the mustn'ts, child. Listen to the don'ts. Listen to the shouldn'ts, the impossibles, the won'ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me... Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”
― Shel Silverstein

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.  But still there is much that is fair. And though in all lands, love is now mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

  “The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope.”
― Psalm 34:18 (CEV)

Love to you all......and hugs to all who need them!