Father's Day Without Dad

I have always joked that my dad would not have known it was Father's Day unless we told him. That kind of thing just wasn't important to him. He didn't need presents, he didn't need cards, he didn't need flowery words. In fact, he preferred not to get any of that sort of thing (which worked for me!) But Father's Day was always family lunch day and that he always enjoyed, or quietly tolerated... we have very loud family gatherings, where he would sit in his recliner and alternately get in short conversations,  watch the family antics with amusement, or watch television, oblivious to us all.

Many of you know my died died December 18. This is the year of first everythings without him. Father's Day has always been a rather benign holiday to me (because it wasn't important to dad at all....and he never wanted to be the center of attention). It almost was funny to me....to watch him trying to be gracious for something he just didn't care about. But we celebrated him regardless.

This year it's not light and easy. The things that lead up to the day that I never really noticed (the advertising, for example) seem to be everywhere.To tell you the truth, this year I am annoyed by the day. This is a feeling that I don't believe will last into future years....because the day really is sweetly benign...but this year I believe I am allowed to indulge in feeling sorry for myself a bit.

 I find myself  mocking the retail advertisers in my head as they make statements that seem so stupid in my situation Universal messages just aren't universal.. "What would your Dad like for Father's Day this year?" "Another day with his family, Belk. Are you selling that?"

The emails.....Open Table telling me to make my reservations to treat my dad (he really didn't care about going out to eat. He preferred Mom's food.....or takeout.) K-Mart's "Dress Dad for Adventure". Sorry K-Mart....it may be difficult and I don't think you have anything that fits. Except a gift bag perhaps. "The best books to buy for Dad".... I just wish I could. He did love his books.The one gift you could buy him that he just may like.

I wanted to avoid our regular family celebration this year....and did not bring it up. I figured I would go hiking or do something else solitary. But I am not the only member of my family for whom this will be a tough day, and I know being together will not be an over-emotional outpouring, but our easy-going norm. That is always comforting. My nephew and his dear wife (who lost her dad way too young, so has experienced this loss for a lot of years) are going to host lunch and weather permitting we will enjoy the pool. It's not going to be the same, and not everyone in the family is going to be there. But that is the good thing about my family....we do what we need or want to do. There are no tight ropes. Whether together or not, the bond will be there. While I could choose solitary for the day, being with family, doing something a bit different, seems right. While Father's Day will always be about our Dad, how we each choose to celebrate it is fine. And he would approve. His needs were so few, it always was more about what we needed.

What media story about Father's Day actually made me feel better? Weather permitting, NASA plans to launch a rocket that releases colored vapors that become bright colored clouds. My dad's first jobs were related to the space program and everyone who knows me knows I love glow-in-the-dark. The idea of the skies lit up between earth and heaven... it seems perfect this year and makes me smile. Whether it happens or not....I love that it could.. http://www.wmur.com/article/nasa-hopes-for-father-s-day-launch-to-create-colorful-clouds-in-the-night-sky/10036871

Happy Father's Day Dad. On earth or in heaven, the truth doesn't change. It is a great fortune to have a dad that was steadfast and strong, that cared that the humans he raised be truthful,  hard working, and kind. You could care less if we made tons of money or met some crazy definition of success or perfection (good thing!). Loving you was always easy. That love lives eternally....and that is what I celebrate this and every Father's Day. But still.....I will miss the hugs. And the conversation.

Putting the Happy in the Birthday

Not to brag, but Google is celebrating my birthday today! They had this picture waiting for me. Thanks Google! You know I love you more than anyone, huh?

 

So it's my birthday. I am 54 today. A bit weird to think about, stunning even, but I believe having the opportunity to live a lot of years on this earth is a good thing. I am not ashamed of the age, but instead grateful. Good thing, since there would be no way to escape it. I am surrounded by a lot of people who have known me for a lot of years, and they would gleefully call me out on it if I did!

I've had some bad birthdays over the years. Not a lot, but enough that the last time it happened (which wasn't that long ago) I did a bit of self analysis. I realized I was expecting other people to put the happy into my birthday.

My large family has never been big on celebrating the birthdays of adults (though hopefully every kid has great memories of wonderful celebrations, even if Aunt Kim's gifts rarely make it to them on the day.) I know without a doubt that my mom will call and sing to me today, and I expect I will hear from most of the siblings (OK...I had better hear from all) and some of the nieces and nephews. But that is the extent to our family celebrations. No complaints here, because I am notorious for forgetting important days in general and I would be a constant disappointment to everyone if  they depended on me to remember and lead the celebrations. There is no pressure in our family for birthdays and I like that.

But I have had a few birthdays that have come around and I realized I had absolutely no plans of any sort of celebration. No one had mentioned doing anything, and it just creeped up on me, and really when I realized it....well, it was a bit embarrassing that I had no plans. What do you do, say at the last minute "It's my birthday, will someone celebrate with me?" I once thought that would be horrifying, but now I think it would be perfectly appropriate!

When that has happened in the past I admit there are times I had a pity party for one. It made it a day of sadness instead of a day of celebration of the wonderful life I was given. That is not how I now choose to live. (And yes, I believe if you do spend your birthday in sadness, it is your choice. And it is not one of your better choices.)

I am not the only one who has experienced those feelings.....I know! Not that we will often publicly admit it. It is a point of shame. We human beings are quite silly about such things.

While often my lack of plans have to do with the simple fact of being single and everyone thinking I have all sorts of wonderful and exciting things going on (Ha!), others experience the letdown of having spouses, kids, and significant others fail to meet their birthday expectations. Sometimes they hijack "my day" and make it about them. Or just not about us. They love you, or proclaim they love you, but you're not feeling it. They don't think for a minute of how you would most like to celebrate. They plan something, but it is what they want to do and not what you want to do. They refuse to leave their comfort zone for even a minute to make the day special for you.

You think I am going to blast them, huh? Truth is, you own your birthday (as you do all of your days.) They are a gift to you from God. They should all be celebrated, and you should plan the celebration, and not depend on others to make it happy for you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't accept someone else planning a celebration on your behalf....gratefully accept it and enjoy it. Grade them on a curve if it is not exactly how you would do it. People fall short at this for a lot of reasons. It isn't necessarily an indication of how much they care....or don't care. Sometimes it is just a difference in how they view birthdays.....or the fact that they are pre-occupied with things that have nothing to do with you. (Yeah, sometimes that pre-occupation is with themselves. It happens. With most of us. We're basically self-centered sinners.) Sometimes they freeze because they are like deer in the headlights....they know they need to do something, but can't decide what. Other times it a time to be passive-aggressive, for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with you. Regardless, it is definitely not something to waste much of your life grieving about! (And some of you, of us, have spent valuable time obsessing on this....admit it!) Take back the ownership of your day. Don't try to force them to make you happy. That's an impossible task.

The celebration of you by others (or lack thereof) doesn't have to be the extent of your own celebration. If it is not the way you prefer to celebrate your life, throw your own birthday party. You can even be the only guest! It doesn't even have to be on the day. Just ask yourself "what makes me feel alive and full of joy and grateful to God for my gift of life?"....and do it!

Really I am not whining about my lousy life here, because as most of you know (and I definitely do) my life is more than wonderful and worthy of great celebration. I am well loved. I celebrate that. Since I have taken ownership for my birthdays, they have become much more enjoyable. Mostly because now I see the celebration as my job and the focus of my day. I will be grateful for all I have been given. I will be happy, I will be joyful. For me, how the hours are spent are not nearly as important as my state of mind as I celebrate them. More than any other say of the year I want to focus on the fact that life is a gift, and is so, so good!

My plans for my day are to get a massage from my awesome friend Diana, and then she is taking me out to lunch. We also plan to get our nails done. Tonight I get to attend a birthday party celebrating my friend Patrice, for whom it is one of those special "end in 0" birthdays. She is a great gift to my life, so what a great opportunity!

At some point today I plan to eat cake. Good cake. Chocolate. One of the "bad" birthday memories that most makes me laugh about myself is the birthday I cried because the day was totally uneventful and I DIDN'T EVEN GET CAKE! Oh, the tragedy! One of those times when I had that moment when I realized what I was doing and I was a bit horrified. I said to myself.  "Really?????? This is what is important to you?" (And my answer was yes. Sort of. But I had to laugh.)

But such "tragedies" are an easy thing to remedy. If I don't get my chocolate cake today (and I mean really good chocolate cake....bad cake is also tragic), I will prolong the celebration and eat it soon.  I now acknowledge I can celebrate my birthday any day because any day is a good day to celebrate the fact that we were born. Why limit it?

So happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to you. I am so glad we were born. Celebrate your life well...and thank God for the days and the years. You are the gift. Share yourself with the world. And bring the happy to your own party.

The Longest Birthday Party

I was my normal slack self this year when sending out Christmas cards.  I had the cards (actually a huge collection leftover from past years...need some?  Call me.), I bought the stamps (Need some?  Call me!), but I probably only sent out 10 cards.  I used to stress about my tendency to do that....Christmas cards were often my only way to keep in touch with certain friends.  I've learned to roll my eyes at that concept and now I try to keep it all in perspective.  I try to not to box myself into having to communicate with everyone at only this time of the year, but try to do better at making contact with those I care about throughout the year.  I am not amazingly successful at this yet (and cards and letters....don't seem to be getting written by me at any time of the year!), but still I am getting  better at staying in contact or touching base with some of the people who are important to me a bit more often (thanks Facebook....you help a lot, as does having a car that can travel!)   It's my goal to improve these times of contact in my life, because I know a lot of incredible people who lift my spirits and make me live better....it is a great gift to myself.  (So OK...maybe I am not always thinking of others!)  Hopefully it is also something enjoyed by my friends (and family.)  But I also acknowledge that people can come in and out of our life for certain periods of time, and timing and desire for a relationship must be right for you both.  We have different kinds of relationships with lots of different people....and that's OK.  Some people are meant to be our close and constant friends (and we can only realistically have so many of these), while others for different reasons and seasons.

I've been thinking lately how my thoughts are changing similarly about Christmas.  The day is not as important to me as it used to be.  Don't get me wrong....I still absolutely love it, find it really meaningful and think it is one of the most enchanting times of the year.  But I also think perhaps celebrating Christ's birth only one day a year is sort of like keeping your contact to people limited to Christmas cards.  It's just not enough for the place of honor He deserves. If we women get a birthday month (thanks to the proclamation of my dear friend Debbie Hartman), then Jesus should get a year of birthdays.  (Sorry men. The rest of you just get a day.  Don't blame me....it's just the way it is!)

So here is my proposal.....in these last days of 2012 and every day in 2013, we try to spend some time celebrating the birth of Jesus every day.   No major blow out party required....in fact, I think He would prefer we keep a lot of the celebrations private.  But we need to take a little special time every day to tell Him "I'm glad you were born."

So how would we do that?  Here are some things I am thinking.  Some days we just need to have a conversation with our brother (Jesus...not my brothers Scott and Derek....not that it wouldn't be great to have more conversations with them, too!)  A few minutes where we really are truthful with Him about what we think, and what we feel, the purpose He has given us, how we're doing fulfilling that purpose, and what's really going on in our lives.  You don't have to use church-y words, or the language of King James..... let's face it, if we did that with our other brothers they would think we were insane.  Jesus would, too.  OK, maybe He wouldn't see us as insane....just a little....slow.  He speaks modern day English....and wants to meet us where we are today.  He wants us to be authentic with him.....and that is difficult to do when you are trying to play the stilted part of people of yore or pretend to be some spiritual soul He knows you are not.

As we talk, we also need to listen what He's saying.  One-sided conversations don't make for a healthy relationship and certainly don't celebrate the one to whom we are talking.  So we need to both talk, and listen.  It's not a close relationship if you just sit back and listen and don't share what you think....and it's not a close relationship if you just talk without letting anyone else get a word in.  There must be balance, sharing, giving and receiving.

We need to read and write letters.  I love to get letters.....I am terrible at writing back!   But this is another side to getting to know someone.  His love note to us is the Bible....we should read what He has written as if it was written just for us (because it was) and we should reply.  No better way to think and digest and learn and watch the wisdom of those words come to life.  Let's face it....some of it is confusing and confounding and we read it and we have questions.  Other parts are insightful and life-changing and help remind us how to live.  To write back makes us take a few minutes to reflect on what He tells us and continue to learn more about what He is really saying.

We need to give Jesus gifts.  What do you give to the one who owns it all already and just shares it with you?  If you look at everything that way, it can change your life.  Your money.....if you think Jesus as the benevolent benefactor of all of your money, would you spend it differently?  He tells us we should give hilariously.  I love the idea of that.  You know what it is like when you are with a friend and it begins as funny, and then moves to hilarious.  You can't stop laughing, you do things that don't quite seem "normal" to others who may be watching, you celebrate life with abandon.  That is how we should give.  Not turning off our brain and giving carelessly or unwisely, but giving in ways other people may not consider.  Noticing people....and needs.....and fulfilling them.  Sharing our His stuff.  And sometimes not giving even though you feel pressured,  because you don't agree that is where He wants your His money to go.  Hilarious feels good.  It feels comfortable.  You don't quite hold on to your propriety....you lose control a bit, but freefall into a good place.

We give without caring about what we get back.  We give when noone else knows it is going on (just a private moment between us and the gracious benefactor.)  And we give from what we have.....we don't steal or borrow from others or go into debt for it (but it is permissible, though not usually necessary, to give everything that is "ours" away!).  If you are respecting the benefactor of that money, you learn to understand needs and wants,  learn to live within your means, and realize that failure to be financially responsible is an affront to what He expects of you.

If money is the only gift you give, you're missing out on a lot of other gift giving opportunities.  For some, giving money is really easy, but giving time is really, really difficult.  It may require we hang out with people that get on our nerves.  It may require we give when we would rather be on our couch watching TV or only spending time in the company of our family or close friends.  It's invasive to our life.  We can more easily tell when we make money our god (because that is what makes us pant with thirst and we never seem to have enough), but a bit harder when our god is our time.  If we are giving our time, we are making a sacrifice.  If it is too easy or if our time is not a currency, it's not a gift.

We can also gift our strengths.  We all have them.  If you aren't sure what yours are, ask your friends and family.  If they have a difficult time coming up with some, find new friends.  Keep the family, but recognize that maybe they have so much of their own stuff going on, and they aren't really noticing or appreciating the special things about you.  So....like I said before, find new friends and ask them.  Or even better, think about it yourself.  You are the one who can probably best see your strengths, if you actually look.  Sometimes we won't acknowledge the things that we do well....so we keep them hidden and don't use them for any purpose.  It's misplaced humility.  But when we acknowledge them, and look for ways to use them, we are celebrating a gift we have been given.  To actively look for ways to share them with family, friends, and even strangers, we celebrate our gift of life even more.

And don't forget about gifting your weaknesses.  This is the one thing that God seems to want to use in my life more than anything else.  (Possibly because I was blessed with extra.)  It's amazing the way my weaknesses have at time become strengths.  There's really no secret to why it ends up working so well.  There's that great verse (II Corinthians 12:9) where Paul relays a conversation with Jesus "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'"  Paul's conclusion?  "Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me."  When we put ourselves out there and do things that are hard for us, things that we 't don't easily excel in, things hat don't come naturally to us, it's a chance for the very spirit of God to empower us.  He likes to show His stuff that way.  (So that's why this introvert so often gets put into situations where she has to be a people person.  Why sometimes why my extrovert friends are put in a position where they have to do things on their own.  Why the quiet person needs to speak up and why the person with lots of opinions needs to sometimes keep them to themselves and just listen.)  We can go from a place of scared to death, to feeling empowered just by being willing to put ourselves in those situations.  As with our strengths, gifting our weaknesses requires we know what they are.  Jesus works best in people who look inward and get to know themselves.  It's the first thing we have to do before we can call ourself a follower of Jesus.  We have to see ourself as a sinner.  Hard to acknowledge sometimes...we'd prefer to grade on a curve.  But we must, or often we find ourselves in a dull and unrewarding life.  A Christian who thinks, listens, and then acts, finds themself living a life of fulfillment and adventure.

Another gift is spending time with people who call Jesus friend.  Sometimes you need to invite them to the party.  Many of you probably know, this can sometimes be difficult for me.  Some of His friends are lovely and fun and time with them is a great gift.  But others.....well, frankly I don't like them.  It's easy to dismiss these people and say "They don't really know Him."  But as our friends have quirks and aren't perfect (well, mine are amazingly close....but yeah, let's be honest... you know you all have issues!), so do Jesus'. Even so He sees something in them and sometimes we need to find out how that is.  Sometimes we need to love them, and accept them where they are, and trust that spending time with Him (and maybe with us!) will change them.  When we hang in there long enough to see that change happen, it is one of the party favors He brings to the celebration for us.

And then there are those who aren't friends with Jesus.  Sometimes we need to introduce them.  If we enjoy Him, and see that relationship to be the catalyst for everything in our life, the  center of who we are, shouldn't it be natural for others to know that?   It's tough in today's world.... many people want to think of faith as a personal thing, which means they bristle when it comes up in conversation.  But I don't understand that...how can it be personal, if we are building real relationships?  If we don't share our core beliefs with someone, do they really know us?  Are we really their friend?  No need to get preachy (maybe someone will respond to that, but most of us hate it) or get on your precious Christian soapbox and make it all about you, but there's also no need to be an undercover Christian.  Sharing should be natural and easy and comfortable.  But telling your story isn't enough...you've got to be willing to let the other person share their life with you.  You should listen when they share the center of their heart, and get to know where they are coming from.  Jesus cares about all kinds of people....those who think the way He does and those who don't have a clue.  And He has given people free will to choose....who are we to try to take that away from them?  Those who don't accept or believe in Jesus are not a surprise to Him.  He loves them and is gracious to them....and we should be, too.  One of the most freeing things in my life was learning it is not my job to convict people of their sin or "save" them.  The Spirit of God takes care of that quite nicely.

When we throw a big birthday party, we need to be a good host.  We need to notice our guests and be concerned about their needs.  We need to not be so wrapped up in "doing" that we forget "experiencing."  We should take the time to eat the cake, to drink the beverages, and to enjoy those that have come.  You need to honor the guest of honor, and honor to the other guests that are with you.  All will enjoy themselves more if you are  taking time to join in the celebration.  It's OK to enjoy the party favors that have been provided by the guest of honor....the party is for Him, and it is His privilege.  He is delighted when you like them.  It's especially fun that these little gifts have been placed all over your world, so you can be on a scavenger hunt that never ends.  Every day you can discover something else He has hidden just for you.

As we celebrate the birthday of Jesus, we should celebrate the gift of His life....and at the same time the gift of our own life.  To live a lackluster life is an act of ingratitude for the very gift we have been given.  As Jesus was created to live a life of purpose, so were you.  You are unique, you are special, you are needed on this earth.  You are not meant to just take up space or keep busy with meaningless things.  If you are feeling purposeless, if you are not feeling joyful regardless of your circumstances, if you are uninvolved with life, you've got to regroup.  If you are overwhelmed or overextended or feeling alone, you've got to regroup.  If you are living solely on your strengths and not doing hard things that scare you, you've got to regroup.  Most of al, if you can't describe your life as amazing and awe-inspiring, you're doing it wrong. You were not created to feel like you are carrying weights around all of the time....you've got someone around who will take those out of your hands and off your shoulders and carry them for you.  But you have to loosen your clutch on them.  You need to be free from those burdens and ready to relax in the knowledge that you don't have to handle them alone.

Jesus has already given His birthday gift to you.....and it is a gift of a lifetime.  Don't give it back to him unopened and unused.  Don't leave it on a shelf.   While it is a precious and fragile gift, it's intended for every day use.  So use it.....and use it well!

Merry Christmas, my friends.  You may not get your cards for a while, but I'm going with the notion that they can be sent out at any time!  May the spirit of Emmanuel ("God is with us") be with you all year long.  And happy birthday, Jesus!   I'm glad you were born.  Thank you that even though it was your own party, you made it all about me and gave me the best gift.  I love you and I am glad you are in my life.

Now....what should we do tomorrow to celebrate?