What I Learned In Police School

My class and instructors. In the spirit of the school, picture from Jennifer Cowan.
Used without permission.

OK, maybe I am the only one who calls it police school. The Statesville Police Department and others call it the Citizen's Academy. We met for ten Tuesday nights (or rather nine Tuesdays and one Thursday makeup) and were taught by some of the top officers in the Statesville Police Department. We also spent four hours in dispatch (some of us a couple of hours longer, because we are people who need closure...and we enjoyed it), and another four hours riding around with a police officer (most of us with young officers.) We spent a lot of time talking about the different areas of police work and why they do what they do. It was fun and it was interesting and we had some good conversation.

This was going to be a very different blog before the Ferguson decision. As I have been watching news coverage, it is through the eyes of what I recently learned and it crystallized some of what I have been thinking about. Justice is complicated. And as those who know me personally can guess, what I learned is not necessarily what was taught.

Our Statesville police officers don't all believe the same thing. They often have similar views overall, but their opinions can vary on some things. I loved that some would discuss it openly, not in a way that was disrespectful to the department, but as family who discuss these things amongst themselves often and can agree to disagree. And learn from each other in the process. All seemed to be respectful...of each other, of citizens, and of authority. Healthy debate....good food for thought.

I was impressed with the way they described how police work has changed over the years. The goal is for safety....how do they best keep our citizens safe? It is not always going after everyone breaking the law, heading out on a high speed chase. It is not always writing a ticket, not always about making an arrest. It's not about being the biggest and baddest and the one who has the power to throw their weight around the most. It is being a presence, being alert to what it going on, paying attention to the safety of the city. Their best police weapons are their communication skills and their judgment. There are supposedly no ticket quotas...in fact, there seemed to be a bit of disdain for the cop who writes tickets whenever possible (though support of the right to do so.) Some officers enjoy writing them more than others. Some probably have personal quotas. Tickets and arrests are a reality of the system and sometimes necessary to get to a point of justice. Just a hint., though...tickets and arrests happen more often when you are belligerent and disrespectful, or challenge their authority. I shouldn't have to tell you that, but some have not learned that lesson.

We had a whole session about the use of force, when it was appropriate, when it wasn't. All in all, you can't get around the fact that it is all based on human judgment. The instructor said something like this "You have to feel that you are in danger, but how do you judge this?" He did an exercise when he was approaching me....and told me to tell him when it started to feel intimidated. That point of intimidation varies for all. And we talked about someone holding a gun....at what point does it become a threat? When you see the gun? When their arm starts to rise? When they shoot you dead?

He talked about situations where he as a veteran cop may view the danger very differently than a rookie. He talked about teaching young cops how to make good judgments in those situations, but also admitted that it is almost impossible to teach judgment. Some never learn this well....and so the decisions of how even a veteran can handle a particular situation will vary greatly.

We experienced those judgment calls ourselves when we went through a simulation during our last class. They are full size videos, and you are in the midst of them, your laser gun in hand and ready to go. (I understand the officers have their guns holstered when they do theirs.) The officer running the simulation can change things based on your actions and reactions, or even at his will. The first situation I faced was a lady angry after I stopped her in a traffic stop. She got out of the car and was belligerent. She reached back into her car and I paused. Surely she was just reaching for her license (though I had asked her to get on the ground and had not asked for her license.) She pulled out a gun, and at the same time a guy in the passenger seat also got out of the car and started shooting at me. I hesitated with her until I saw her gun, and didn't even notice her companion. Yep, I would have been dead. It does make a person think!

The officers told us about a real life situation in SC that was similar. It was a routine traffic stop where the guy reached into his car. The officer shot him, as his raised arm came out of the car, holding his wallet. The officer had asked for his license, but evidently got skittish when the man reached into his car. The whole thing was captured on the police cam video. The officer did not follow proper procedure, but something had scared him and made him react. Your license should be in your pants pocket, right? The officer asked for the license and the guy was just getting it, right? Assumptions on either, or both, sides can be wrong. My guess is that the officer's mind will play that mental tape over and over in his mind for the rest of his life. Why did he shoot him? Was his fear justified? We can look at it and say no justification indeed, but if that was us...what would we do? (This just happened in September, so is still unresolved. The good news is the guy that was shot several times lived.)

When doing my ride-along, I watched a gentleman get arrested for assault on his fiancee's son. He was 28, the son 17. He was black, the son white. The man allegedly threw the son out of their apartment, after the kid got in an argument with his brother and then with his mother (when she tried to take his cell phone away as punishment.) He left a mark around the area of the kid's neck. The man arrested was unfailingly polite to the officer. The officer was the same to him. I felt sympathy for both. And I also felt sympathy for the child, who I had seen looking weepy and defeated when he told the officer about it in the parking lot when we arrived. Not sure whose side I was on, to be honest. Teenaged boys can be horrid. Disciplining teenagers can get out of hand. Disciplining other people's kids is even harder. You can go "too far", but what is too far? Marks on the neck did seem like a justification for arrest. Truthfully, though, I felt like telling the guy arrested "Get out....you're only 28. You're not ready to be dealing with this drama." But that drama is the everyday life of many relationships and the subject of many of the calls the police answer.

The looters and arsonists and those perpetuating violence in Ferguson were caught up in the drama of life, too. For those who have no understanding, and wonder why innocent business owners were seemingly targeted, I will say that rage is blind. And anger is fear disguised. And testosterone and hormones can get the best of us when our emotions are thrown into the mix. And people live different lives. And when you think the world is against you, sometimes you react against the world. You don't notice, or at the moment care, who you are striking out towards. Not to say there should not be consequences to those who commit crimes, because I do believe in that, but there are usually reasons for what people do. They said on the news that most out on the street were young. Everything seems more vivid and critical when you're young and it is easy to get caught up in the feelings of the moment. A young man was killed. He had allegedly committed a crime. It appears there could have been a struggle between him and the officer. "You shouldn't have done it!" Easy to say to both of them in retrospect and when you were not in their shoes. I am sure both would have done things differently if life gave us the opportunity for instant replays. That is the tragedy.

When it gets down to it, police officers are human. The "criminals" and "victims" they deal with are also human. Our communities, they are made up of people who are human. Humans do unbelievably heroic things. We also do unbelievably stupid things.  We think we would do something a certain way, but when in midst of a tense situation we react differently than we ever would have believed. Still, we need to try to be prepared to deal with these things as best we can. What do we learn from Ferguson? There are layers, and all of us need to examine ourselves and our fears and our systems and learn from them all. What if your son was the one shot? What if the officer that shot him was your best friend? What if your 19-year old was in a rage after hearing this verdict about the one who killed their friend, and you couldn't stop them from leaving your home and heading to the streets? What if you were a business owner whose property was destroyed, over a cause that you were never publicly involved in? What if you were a policeman in the area, knowing what could happen in your town once that verdict was announced and your job required you be in the middle of whatever happened....wearing your uniform, part of the system being judged.

Tragedies happen, but we can't just close our eyes and think they don't impact us. Ferguson affects us all. We're not where we need to be yet. Law enforcement personnel are not respected. Racism still exists. People on all sides of the spectrum are battered and bruised and scarred and often have lost the art of good communication. We are frustrated and we stuff it...until we can't any more. We explode and implode. We get to the place where there only seem to be victims....or where everyone seems to be guilty. Or we feel we grasp it all and understand exactly how it should be. But you probably don't.

Like I said before, justice is complicated. With human beings so prominent in the equation, we can't have a perfect system. Where do we draw lines? When do we err on the side of justice and when do we err on the side of mercy? One thing I believe....we need to care about the system all the time, not just when the system is under media glare. We should keep it on our radar, not only being its watchdogs, but as those who require the system do its job, keep us safe and respect our property. We should report crime, testify when we see it, press charges when they are needed, serve on jury duty when called. We have responsibility as citizens to know what's going on with our law enforcement system, our justice system,  and in our community. The police can't do it without us. Together we are a powerful force to be reckoned with. We can make this world safer. That's what I learned in police school.

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Grateful

"Talent is God given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."

John Wooden

"Pride slays thanksgiving, but a humble mind is the soil out of which thanks naturally grow. A proud man is seldom a grateful man, for he never thinks he gets as much as he deserves."
Henry Ward Beecher

"When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?"
Gilbert E. Chesterton

 

 

When I am at my most whiny, and finally reach a point of self-awareness, usually I realize something about me. I am self-centered. When I am self-centered, I am petulant. When I am petulant, other people have a more difficult time meeting my expectations. When people have a harder time meeting my expectations, they disappoint me. When people disappoint me, I whine. And so it goes!

It's not just you I do this with. I do it with God. Oh yes, I know...."how could you, you dirty rotten Christian?" It's quite easy. It's a relationship, like my other relationships. None of my feelings are necessarily based on truth, or on inadequacies in others, or me being right. It's where I go. It's what I do. It's part of my pattern. It's one way I sin.

We've all got a pattern that takes us in a wrong direction. Yours may be different than mine. Yours may look a lot cooler. It may not be something that anyone else knows. But it is your dirty little secret that separates you from God. Chances are, it is something that simply puts you first and God a distant second. Chances are it is a reflection of your own self-centeredness.

When we think a bit too much of ourselves, it is difficult to be grateful. It is difficult to say thank you and really mean it. We'll be polite....and say it. But is it by rote instead of by truth?

I hate being told what to do. Even something that seems as benign as being thankful. Sometimes I just don't feel it. Sometimes I roll my eyes at the glowing words of "things I am thankful for" because I know some of the backstories. I know that some who speak the words the longest and the loudest, are not living lives that appear to reflect gratitude for what they have. They treat these people and things they say they are most thankful for with dismissal. Yeah, it's not just "them." It's me.

I also know some who seem to have a pretty rotten lot in life. Sick and battered bodies, loves lost, contentious people to deal with, money that won't stretch to meet needs, unmet expectations, unrealized dreams. How can they be thankful for that? But oh, as I have seen with so many lately, they can be and are! It's a beautiful thing.

Regardless of our circumstance, regardless of how we feel, we should "do" thanksgiving. We should make it a physical act, a mental exercise. We need to take inventory of those things that are important to us and see if we're living lives where we're grateful for those things. It's easy for our lives to become unbalanced. Sometimes we don't spend our time with those who we say are most important to us, sometimes we don't live the values we say we hold for our lives. Sometimes we don't recognize the gifts of our life. Sometimes we see nothing except ourselves. When we just see ourselves, it's difficult to be thankful for the other things. It's difficult for us to really enjoy our life.

Thanksgiving by its nature should carry a bit of humility. Being thankful requires we look beyond ourselves. It also requires we look at ourselves for what we really are. Imperfect. Not deserving of the great things that permeate our lives. Not deserving of the other imperfect people who love us, even imperfectly. The stuff. The jobs, even when they are "work". The opportunities. The freedom. The wealth.

Being thankful requires we look just at ourselves, and not weigh our bounty against the bounty of others. Because really....how can we be thankful when we are busy measuring? Impossible multi-tasking (even for us women.)

At this time of year when we hear a lot about thankfulness, it's OK to roll your eyes on occasion. (Yep, that's just me giving myself permission because it is bound to happen.) But as we start a "thankful list", know it will be long. For all of us. More than we need. Most of what we want. But the list only has significance if we live it. If we are grateful for it. Grateful enough that we change our lives. That we love people actively. That we use our stuff and share our stuff. That we realize that whatever our circumstance God has given us exceedingly, abundantly more than we deserve. (I just love those words.) If you don't see it that way, you're not really thankful.

Our whiny selves don't have much of a reason to whine. Because we are the recipients of a graciousness that is amazing. Life. Our world. Our God. Our gifts. Not given out in order of the best of us, or the worst. Just because. We don't have to be deserving, but to really appreciate what we have we do need to be grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving. May you be more than content with your lot. May you be aware of it and grateful for it. Enjoy celebrating the bounty that is yours.

Oh Getting Picked Last

I was scarred in elementary school. I think many of us were. There you are, six years old and feeling pretty good about yourself and you go to school. I have no clue when picking teams at recess started, but I believe it may have been that year. It really doesn't matter when. At some point during those early school years I remember first feeling that panicky feeling in the pit of my stomach when teams were being picked and my name wasn't called. Little did I know that that feeling would follow me far into adulthood.

I've got a relatively healthy self esteem. Most days I like me. I like that I'm a woman of opinions and convictions. I believe we have a responsibility to not just float through life. I like that I usually live my life consistent with my beliefs. I'm OK with most of the choices I've made in life. Oh, not all....not even close. I'm not someone who will tell you that I wouldn't change a thing if I were given the chance, because "then I wouldn't be the person I am today." Pshhhh! No....there is much I would change. I'd like to be a different person, an even better person. I'd like to have been more adventurous...to not have played it so safe. I'd like to be less petty, less envious, less sensitive to the opinions of others. A better champion for others. More sensitive to feelings....or rather more active upon my sensitivities. I'd like to be even more reactive to the God-breath that blows through me. Too often I don't let it carry me. I hold myself back.

But that "pitty" feeling. Or maybe I should call it that pity feeling. Because really, isn't that what it is? A dose of self pity? Instead of having the esteem of a child of God, letting perfectly flawed people ruin it for us? Instead of going through life in an uninhibited dance, we instead get weighted down by the opinions of others. Or instead of feeling like a masterpiece of the Creator, we feel like....less!

We're imperfect. So are the others around us. Sometimes I feel shut out, but sometimes I get a glimpse of how I shut other people out. How I don't notice them because I am too wrapped up in me. I need to stop the focus on me and make it about someone else. Because really.....if the focus is not on us that feeling in the pit of our stomach seems to mysteriously stay away. At least in my case it does.

I'm an introvert who loves people. I'm someone who loves community. But I think sometimes I naturally put up barriers that isolate me. I think sometimes I still wait to get picked for a team....and walk away if it doesn't seem to be happening. That's no one else's fault, really. Who am I to think others are responsible for engaging me and planning my life? For some of us there is probably always going to be the natural fear of rejection when we try to engage with others. I have a few friends that seem to prefer to be the planners. When I have tried to initiate an activity, they aren't interested. When that happens several times, I tend to fade in the background. Is that wrong? I don't know.

We're in a world where a lot of people self-isolate. While a few may prefer it that way, I don't think most do. I think we want to belong, we want to be engaged. Is it technology that disconnects us? Sometimes, but I know at least for myself it can also be the thing that keeps me connected. Recently an online friend (who has never met me in person) sent me a message to check on me. It was a weekend where I was feeling especially cut off from the world, and it gave me a big boost. It made me connect to someone who noticed something a bit unusual from my norm.....all the way in a different country! 

But technology probably also shows us where our social life falls short. We see others doing all kinds of different things, and we think we're the only one at home on our couch. From my informal survey....no, we're not!

We're often too tired to plan (or is that just me?), too lazy to try to engage (even though technology makes that almost laughable), and I think we have just overall lost basic social skills and knowledge of hospitality. We tend to cling to the familiar and don't realize those that are dis-connected. We aren't on the lookout for those who also may be finding it difficult and we don't realize all of the folks who would love the pleasure of our company.

We also just misunderstand people. We're not as perceptive as we think. People often think I am a mad extrovert, just waiting for the next social event. They don't know the sometimes paralyzingly fear I face before I attend an event, and the high level of internal persuasion that goes on to make myself follow through when I say I will attend. Even when I know people who will be there and have a pretty good idea it will be OK. If not for a basic belief that it is rude to back out at the last minute, I would back out often! I will probably have figured out where all the points of exit are within three minutes of arriving....and I will admit that sometimes I have hidden out in my car for periods of time when I can't leave the event completely and there aren't enough "comfy" people around (those to whom an introvert can attach themselves to get through a social event.) I know I am not the only one who does these things (and a few other secrets I won't share)....but your secret is safe with me!

We live in a world where it is easy to get lost. I think it is easy to hide away. I don't think it is emotionally healthy. I had to laugh a bit at myself recently when I hadn't been around people for a few days and then was. Bless the hearts of those I was around...I talked a blue streak! Thankfully they were kind. Thankfully they were understanding. And thankfully I finally realized what I was doing and said "So, how are you?"....and listened to their answer.

The days of choosing teams should be over. But if for you it is not, give me the sign and I will pick you. And I will also give you a trophy for participation. There are times I don't believe that is lame at all!

Go Fish!

If you're looking to play a human version of "Go Fish", you probably should not invite me to play. You know the game. Instead of asking if they have any 3's, they say "I'm a nice person, right?" "I'm smarter than average, right?" "I'm way prettier than her, right?" "I'm the right one in this situation, right?" My answer will probably be "Wrong!" ...because Stuart Smalley is in the room and I really like to annoy him.

Don't remember Stuart Smalley? He was that annoying, but still somewhat lovable, Saturday Night Live character played to perfection by Al Franken. Stuart had self-esteem issues and was always trying to bolster himself by repeating a litany of personal affirmations. I loved him. And hated him. Probably because he reminded me of a part of me I really don't like. I won't like it in you, either, so I simply can't play along if you try to draw me into the game.
 

Many/most of us are insecure on some level. Truth is, we're not perfect and there are plenty of people around who want to remind us of that fact often.  Sometimes we obsess over this. Sometimes we play to the crowd. It often takes a long time for us to realize that we'll never get the approval of all. Some folks are quite stingy dishing it out. Some people don't want to celebrate the good things about you because they think it detracts from the greatness of them. Some just have negative eyes....they delight in what they see as the imperfections. They celebrate the perceived flaws of others. They bond with others of like minds and tear people down instead of building people up. Truly they are not the type of people who you want to please anyway. And then there are those that just have no clue you have an issue... you think they are putting you down and they really aren't paying any attention to you at all!

I guess I could answer those questions for you honestly, because normally they are true. But really, does it matter? Do I help you when I answer them? It really doesn't matter what the truthful answer to those questions are. Most are subjective and they may change with the situation. And you're not really fishing for a long analysis of yourself now, are you? You're simply fishing for compliments.

When we look at ourselves in the mirror, shouldn't we see the image of God? Isn't it the voice of Satan that hits the extremes.....that says "Hey you....you're not all that great!", or "Why aren't you....good enough?", or the other extreme "You are perfect just the way you are". The voice of God will say "Even though I know you inside and out, you are my precious ones" and "Come to me....just the way you are now. There is no need to hide. I know you and I still want a relationship with you."

Not much in this life requires that we be perfect. Often when we think it does, we not only waste a lot of energy but we don't fulfill our purpose. The truly amazing things in life are done by those who seem inadequate. Who don't seem to have what it takes. They are forced to look to God to get their power. And that is power that changes the world.

Don't waste precious minutes of life consumed by the opinions of others. You shouldn't feel inadequate in the company of people who love you...but when you do, is that feeling coming from you or from them? If it is them, find someone else to play with. But if it is coming from you....get over yourself!

So if asked to play the human game "Go Fish!", I am not your woman. It's not that I don't think you're amazing, but instead it is because I want you to be strong and real. You don't need meaningless flattery. You need friends who know who you are and love you anyway.....and don't engage in pointless questions that, if answered, need to be answered by you.

When it gets down to it, you're good enough and smart enough, and doggone it people like you! But get your focus off that. There are other fish you could catch that will actually provide nourishment.

On Banning Books

Evidently it's Banned Books Week. The idea of it makes me smile. It brings back good memories. While I am not in favor of banning books, I am a great fan of the spirit that comes from the opposition. The spirit that says we can wade through the muck of ideas to find kernels of truth....and we support the right to do it.

I haven't heard much about books being banned for a long time, but they were certainly banned in Iredell County during my growing up years. When book banning was discussed at school board meetings, my mother made sure she was there, and we were, too. (She, the one against banning books, usually took her knitting.) As an adult I know the effort that attending those meetings took. Mom worked and was raising a relatively large family, but still thought it was important to take the time to be involved in these decisions that impacted children's lives. Not just for her children, because she could certainly allow us to read whatever she wanted, but other children also. She believed in encouraging us to read, and not to discourage it. In our house ideas were not taboo...even when someone, or everyone, disagreed with them. They held great value. We were allowed to read anything, as long as our parents knew what we were reading. Even as adults, all five of us, and our parents, are readers. We get great pleasure from books, we get great pleasure from ideas. I don't necessarily look at life the same way as the rest of my family, or the rest of the world for that matter, but we respect the right to have different points of view.

These book banning meetings were interesting to me, even exciting, but a bit odd. Being a rather conservative Christian, with many friends who were also conservative Christians, they often meant that I was on the opposite "side" of friends I liked and respected. Some of their families looked at things differently than mine did. Some of their parents wanted to shelter and protect them from ideas that were different from those they believed in. My family probably held tight to the exact same core values as their families, but we were raised a bit differently. We also were somewhat sheltered, but not from ideas. We talked a lot, we argued a lot, and learned to form our own opinions. Our opinions could be different than those of our parents. We could change our mind, and were encouraged to do just that when the ideas supported it. Ideas and opinions were not stone, instead they were water. They flowed, they drifted, and they changed things. Including our minds.

My mother would buy us any book that was banned, if we agreed to read it. She said that was the positive of book banning in her mind.....it made her kids want to read. The books were discussed... why people wanted them banned, and whether we agreed with their reasons. We never did. We always found value in the ideas they provoked, and often even found that the books that were banned actually supported the ideas of the people who were against them. I remember when Brave New World by Aldous Huxley was banned for being anti-God, anti-family. In our house the reading was the opposite. Huxley was a satirist, and was himself dismayed by a world in which people worshipped things, lived promiscuously, and didn't think for themselves. We thought he had a good point.

We must not be threatened by ideas that are different than ours. We must not be afraid of disagreements. We must not be afraid of looking at a subject from a different angle or filtered through a different point of view. That is how we learn, that is how we grow. Sometimes our current point of view is right. But sometimes, quite often really, something that we would have bet the farm on is just downright wrong. The prize to entertaining that possibility is finding truth. And finding truth, that is what life is all about.

So during this Banned Books week, consider whether you need to be a rebel. Read a book that just may be outside of your comfort zone. Be a bit naughty and read a book that has been banned. Hear the ideas of someone who thinks things through in a different way than you. Really hear the voice of someone who does not share your mind and thoughtfully consider what they have to say. If we applied the same reasons for why books that have been banned to the Bible, we'd knock it off our reading list. It would be the most banned book out there. You know something.... worldwide I do believe it is.

Ideas that change people, ideas that challenge people, ideas that inspire people.....many fear them. God knew the power of the written word and was confident that in the end man would see truth. It is when our minds are closed that we stop the process of growing and changing and learning how to discuss differing opinions. We fail to find valuable nuggets.....and share them. We limit who we are and why we were created. So let's use those minds, and believe that for active minds truth will eventually show itself. Let's fight for the ideas to flow and not lock them up and ban them from consideration. It's pretty difficult to change someone's mind if we don't listen to their point if view. I do believe there are at times fragile minds that may need to be protected.....but most of us were given hearty minds that were made to be work horses. Let's get out those horses and exercise them!

When the Bomber Is Your Friend

"Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over." – Octavia Butler

"Just when the caterpillar thought the world was ending, he turned into a butterfly." -Proverb

What do you do when someone you care about is blowing up their life? What do you do when that person is blowing up the lives of many people around them? What do you do when you feel that they are isolating themselves from people who love them, and only listening to people who tell them what they want to hear - others who are living their lives in ways seemingly ignorant of the carnage they leave in their wake?  What do you do when they think they are right, and only pity you for caring?

I love imperfect people. I am also by nature an idealist. It provides a weird contrast in my life. I don't understand why people don't do what I consider to be the right thing. I don't understand why people do things that I consider to be out of character for them. I don't understand why someone who has shown me such love and compassion can turn around and show others what appears to be no regard. What appears to be hate and hatefulness.

Unfortunately I am not talking about just one situation, one relationship, here. I have seen these aberrations of behavior all around me. I believe most of us have. Sometimes I find myself holding myself back, driving by the accident scene and rubber necking. Sometimes I find myself wanting to be this one woman vigilante, running in, swords drawn, and challenging them to a duel.....or challenging the bad influencers that I think are encouraging their bad behavior to a duel. (Never mind that I suspect they may be better swordsmen than me.) Sometimes I want to kidnap them, and de-program their brain. I am convinced they have been brainwashed and when taken away from it all we could get them back on track. Still other times I want to live my perfect little "ignorance is bliss" life and pretend nothing is happening.

But truth is that God has given us free will. People get to make certain stupid choices for their lives. When someone is on a path to self destruction, sometimes you can do nothing about it. Sometimes it is none of your business. Sometimes you need to stay away. But when is that the case, and when can you just run to them and hug them and try to protect them from themselves?

I haven't figured any of this out yet really. The "hate the sin, love the sinner" stuff gets complicated. I suspect that the simple act of writing all of these questions down sets the stage for me to share with you my own personal quest for enlightenment. It will probably continue throughout my lifetime. Especially since, as I said before, I love the imperfect.

But this I already know.....or think I know...

>If you are my family, if you are my friend, I will love you through the imperfect. You can count on this. You will be on my mind whether you are around me or not. I will not cease to pray for you. I will not erect barriers to you. I can't enable you to do what I think is wrong, but neither will I shun you.

>I will never tell you what you are doing is right, if I think what you are doing is wrong. I do not believe that is loving you well...and if I love you, you deserve to be loved well. I hope you listen to my point of view once, because there is usually a compulsion for me to tell you what I think. Not just to hear myself speak, or to spout dogma, but because I genuinely care. I think that is part of what loving someone is...seeing who we really are, loving them anyway, and caring enough to speak truth. I hope you listen when you can hear something besides Charlie Brown's teacher.

>I will try not to constantly throw your mistakes in your face. If you have listened once, or are overloaded with what others are saying and need silence, I will try to respect this. If my past experience is any indication, I may find this to be very difficult. When this happens, you are allowed to say "Let's change the subject." I promise I will try. Others have done this, and I was able to restrain myself, Sometimes we don't need more bullets pointed our way.

>If your victims need care, I will take the ointment and bandages. Sometimes because I love them, too. Sometimes because you should be doing it, and aren't.

>Self-destructive behavior happens for a reason. Sometimes drugs and alcohol are involved. Sometimes immaturity. Sometimes anger. Sometimes fear. Sometimes depression. Sometimes a health problem. Sometimes a restlessness that you just can't pinpoint. Often a combination of many of these. Don't try to just heal yourself. See a professional. A good doctor who you will be honest with. Please have yourself checked out and make sure something else is not going on that may be causing your change in behavior. What can it hurt? 

>If you appear OK physically, try to talk things through with a good mental health professional. Someone without skin in the game who listens impartially. None of us know the whole story, the real story. That probably includes you. Maybe someone else can see the tapestry and not the strings. 

>I believe usually people should bare the natural consequences of their actions. I think also, perhaps, mercy was not given to me in spades. I am trying to develop it. Sometimes you may have to remind me of that fact. Code word: mercy.

Lest you are reading this and think I am only writing about you, I will say while your face may be in my mind, unfortunately there is more than one face there at the moment; more than one person who fits the criteria. You are not the only one who I think is blowing up their life at the moment, but that does not lessen the pain I feel as I think of you. Who are you today and who do you want to be? If you have forgotten the good, the value you are to the world, let me know. I can remind you. I believe in you. I will continue to cheer for you to be your best, though never expecting perfection. Even when you are a screw up, there are folks who love you. Don't forget to notice that, even if the eyes looking at you show disappointment. We're human, too. And though we not be open about it, many of us know quite a lot about screwing up. You are not the first, or the only.

Feeding the Man-Eating Tiger and Making It Grow

I am not an enabler. It is a decision I have made in my life, and not my natural inclination. I think I first consciously made this decision in college. Drugs, alcohol.... rampant, especially with Radio, Television and Motion Pictures majors (also know as RTVMP, or Rumptyvump, department now defunct). I remember coming home from class one day my first year and my suitemate was sitting in a rocking chair, rocking and babbling, zoned out of her mind. It was sad. I made sure she was OK, then shut my door. I didn't think giving her extra attention was helpful. And really, I didn't think there was anything I could do.

I saw another friend, one of the most delightful and brilliant people I knew, go downhill before my very eyes. He came to college a pot smoker, but while he was there added additional substances. He lost his vision, lost his drive, his magnetic personality dissipated, his eyes lost their sparkle, he became out of shape and his hygiene suffered, and his brain disengaged. He thought he was fine. He thought all was under control and he didn't have a problem. At first I tried to ignore. Underneath he was still the friend I loved. He was still fun, and thoughtful (most of the time) and one of my favorite people to hang out with. While I knew about the drugs, it wasn't because he told me.  He didn't use around me and tried to shield me from what was going on. Still, I could see the outward effects.

I needed an apartment to stay in my senior year and he needed a roommate. I nearly moved in. Common sense eventually prevailed. I realized I would become a mother hen, trying to protect him from himself and the consequences of his actions.  I also realized I would not like that version of me. See, I am a fixer...I like to rush to the rescue of others, requested or not. If someone is not ready to really be helped, it is useless and frustrating. I know that now. Then it was still up in the air.

I knew he could manipulate me, knew I would try to manipulate him, knew it would probably become an obsession for me. It was not a way I wanted to live life at 20. Or now. I moved in with another friend. This was probably a defining moment in my life. It was so difficult for many reasons. I felt a bit of guilt....and regret. Maybe I could help him. Maybe if I was there daily, he wouldn't use. Maybe I could help him get help. But no....you can't change an addict.  He had to do that himself. At this time in my life I hadn't completely learned you can't change other people. I hadn't completely learned when I try to do this, I become someone I don't want to be. But that process was beginning....I had an inkling.

It's not just drugs and alcohol. Those are just easy examples. Enabling any bad behavior feeds it. It makes it grow. You smooth over temper tantrums. You give in to the demands of a manipulator. You tell someone with a weight problem they are not fat and add another portion to their plate. You believe those who say their bad behavior is your fault. You believe people who say their bad behavior is the fault of others. You give money to someone with money problems. You lie to cover for someone in your life so people don't see the reality of them. You buy your child the toy they are screaming for in WalMart. You support someone who will not work, You support an abuser. You don't counter the lie of a liar. You tell someone it is OK not live up to their responsibilities. You think you are helping or that you are doing it out if love, but you're not being kind. You're feeding the man-eating tiger.

Love is not helping someone become less than they should be. Love is not telling people their bad behavior is OK or normal. Love is not holding out your hand and helping them go down a path of destruction or trying to ignore it when you see them make that turn. Love is not failing to confront the thing that is destroying them. 

But love is also not harping on their behavior and making it the only thing you see when you look at that person. We need to somehow keep the love going, without feeding the negative behavior. Shame has a place in our lives.....sometimes it is what drives us to change....but we need to make sure we don't become shamers. There are enough of those in the world and I haven't noticed them to be particularly positive influences.

Sometimes love is walking away and letting someone face the consequences of their own actions. Sometimes it is removing certain kinds of support. Sometimes it is praying that there will be consequences instead of praying they will have none. Sometimes it is letting the legal system work. Sometimes it is establishing limits. Sometimes it is having a direct confrontation. Sometimes it is pointing them into the direction of treatment. Sometimes it is an ultimatum. Sometimes it is just loving them and putting your arms around them, and whispering in their ear all the things they are instead of all the things they are not. Sometimes it is erecting boundaries and making sure these boundaries are firm and respected.

There is a difference between supportive love and enabling. Supportive love makes a person stronger, better. It builds them up. Enabling allows them to continue to be weak. It holds them back or tears them down. Look at your relationships. Are the people around you growing or floundering? Ultimately the responsibility for either falls on them (make no mistake about that), but you have a choice to make. How will your relationship impact them?

The First Day of School

 

 

I believe I had a stomach ache every first day of school for all of my 12 years. Wait.....better add four years of college to that, and probably any class I have taken since. The first day of school has always scared me. While most saw me as an extrovert, I never really was. I would look around feverishly until I saw a friend I could latch onto, or quake with intimidation until someone was nice to me. That's when I would get a bit comfortable with things and the floodgates would open. I talked a lot when comfortable. Some teachers may have wished I had been a bit less comfortable. Let's face it.....five kids and two parents. You learn to fight to be heard. And you never get to say everything you want to say, so it's a constant thing you fight for. Sometimes you get so excited you forget what you meant to say when it is your time to speak and sound a bit like an idiot. Really...the original thought....was profound!

I was in constant fear in school. It was my parent's fault (of course). The rule in our house was that whatever punishment the teacher doled out, your punishment at home was that times two. Possibly not the best way to learn your times tables, or maybe it was. I was terrified of the paddle, which was the punishment of choice for most teachers during my school years. I managed to avoid it, though I cut it close one time. My name was taken and we were told that it was an automatic paddling. Lindsey Clendenin was the teacher.....must have been fifth grade. I was filled with absolute horror. She was not known for backing down, but I must have been one of her exceptions. She saw the tears in my eyes and couldn't do it. I loved her after that and suspect my mouth stayed closed when required.

Back to school clothes were great, though for the short chunky girl who hated shopping (maybe it was because I was a chunky girl?) it was torture as we went from store to store looking for clothes that fit. We'd hit downtown Statesville....the place to go back then pre-mall....Belk, J.C. Penney's, Spainhour's, and Hines, my favorite because that was usually find sonething to fit me. At least we didn't have to fit my body in a school uniform.

The school supply lists back then were nothing like the ones now. Sorry teachers, but I think they had it right then. Notebooks, loose leaf, some #2 pencils, extra erasers, a couple of composition books, a protractor, and a new lunchbox, and we were set to go. Not sure why the needs have escalated for parents over the year. I read those lists and they put me in a state of shock! Do these things really help kids learn more? I don't think so. In fact, I think perhaps we could even have cut a few things from the old timers list!  I think I am with the schools I have heard about in other places that provide all of the basic things for students. That should be the great equalizer....the same school supplies for all. I hate the idea that a kid will go without either because their parents can't afford it, refuse to buy it, or doesn't know it is their responsibility. Those notes sent home....ummmmm.....some parents choose not to read them, others don't know how. Extra attention needs to be paid to their kid. Subtlely. It's not their fault and should not be their humiliation.

There seems to be less recess and PE now. I would have loved that, especially had it be replaced by library time. (Yep, geek.) I was always told I was unathletic..or maybe I just felt that way. I was always picked last....and never got to pick myself. (That last part was OK....picking would have been a dilemma...friends or athletes?). I wish I had known it was not a life sentence. I now know that I was just not athletically skilled and had not been told that it was new to me and would come with time and practice. It should have been about learning to move for life. I believe it should have been a bit crazy and chaotic and fun. Joyful. Not so much squat thrusts (the earlier evolution of burpees, which I have now made one of my life goals to avoid forever), or dodgeball (Really? Throw balls at your classmates as hard as you can, and the one who hits the most wins?). More running and jumping and dancing and throwing balls at targets instead of people. 

Oh....the ultimate horror of my school years. Mandatory showers after PE freshman year of high school. My teacher positioned over the showers checking off whether we got naked and ran water over our bodies. I worried every day of my summer vacation before high school over that one, and no.....it was not OK. Reality was not better than the fear. While I am not particularly modest now, I was then, and even at that age, maybe especially at that age, I should have been told I was in charge of who sees my body without clothes. I hear it is not a requirement now....good!

The teachers....they could make or break a year. Some I considered friends. Some I considered really smart adults who were right up there on my pedestal. Some I never figured out why they went into teaching anyway. They didn't seem to enjoy kids, they didn't have a passion for the classes they taught. I learned a bit about work then. There are those who will always do the minimum for their job. There are those who will make their job drudgery. But it taught me something....I never wanted to be like them.

In honor of this first day of school, here are some life lessons I have learned for students....and adults.

1. Respect your teacher (and we all should have teachers!)  Even if you disagree with them. Sometimes people deserve respect because of their title. This lesson has been forgotten. It is a shame. Remember Daniel in the Bible? No? Well, look up that story. You will learn that you can be respectful but not agree with the leader, hold true to your beliefs, and accomplish your goals, all at the same time. When you come at a person with disrespect, they no longer hear you. You sound like Charlie's Brown teacher to them. You don't have to always agree with them....but always respect them. Especially if you want them to listen to you.

2. It is your teacher's job to teach you. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Really....they are getting paid to do this! If you are willing to put in the effort, they should be willing to make sure you learn the material. Don't be ashamed of what you know (or don't know) today....only be ashamed if you don't know more tomorrow.

3. Don't rebel against learning. That cheats only you and makes you a fool. Learn as much as you can from everyone. Information is gold. Take all you are given....and ask for more.

4. Learn to read.....well. I believe there is no greater thing that will ensure your success. Read anything and everything. There is little you can read that won't be of value....if you also learn to question, discern, and not take everything you read as truth. Read and think and engage your mind.

5. Make your years of education more than just about book learning. Get involved. Play sports, run for a class office, try out for a school play, write for the school paper, enter a talent show. Try things expecting to fail on occasion. Don't let that get you down....most of the greats have failed. Most of the really greats have failed big. It's not that you fell down, it's all in how you get back up. Do it with grace and style. And laughter. And with the knowledge that you are in great company.

6. Practice virtues you believe in. What kind of qualities do you respect in a person? Honesty, hard work, passion? Then do them. Practice makes perfect.
7. How you act towards other people can change their lives. Be kind. Be interested. Be someone who pulls someone up, not someone who pushes them down. Collect friends. Let them know you care. Make memories. Write them down....and take a selfie.

I loved and hated school. I didn't like being told what to learn, was disdainful of what I thought of as busy work (still am) and hated that tests weren't more interactive. But the learning itself....was bliss. I like to know things. I want to know more. I regret I didn't make more of the opportunities offered, that I didn't aim a bit higher, that I wasn't more creative as I designed my life. But our education doesn't stop because we are out of school. We can learn and change until we die. We can become a good student today. So that is my goal. I resolve to try a bit harder, seek out more knowledge each day, and do things that don't come easily to me, until they do. We dumb ourselves down too often....let's get smart instead. Let that first day of school stomach ache be over and done with. We will not be scared....we will be educated.

The Quest for Integrity In Business

I can be a pain in the rear when it comes to good customer service. I think that is the cornerstone of a good business....and good business matters to me, because people matter to me and businesses are people. We forget that sometimes, and buy into the thought that a business is an entity of itself. It never really is, so don't ever let anyone hide behind the idea of the "corporate machine", lest you become the star of "The Emporer's New Clothes". Don't remember that story? Google it, or go and read it here:
http://www.andersen.sdu.dk/vaerk/hersholt/TheEmperorsNewClothes_e.html

Public relations and marketing are fascinating to me. I have a fixation on both and have since my college years. Maybe even before that. Truth is, they can make or break a business. Over time they have become spin doctors.....those who mold the truth to make it palatable. In this world that is a great skill. One that can make or break a business. Unfortunately it can also make or break a person's (company's) character when used to pass off a lie as truth or only reveal part of the story.

I give feedback. Don't ask me what I think about your business (or your personal life) unless you are prepared for the truth according to Kim. Not that I am always right....or that my opinion is better than your own or that I expect you to change things just because of what I say. But if asked, and often when not asked, I will try to give it to you, limited knowledge and all. You can tell me to stop, and I will. Almost always.

So, I was eating a Quest bar one day, one of my favorite protein bars for a variety of reasons (they meet my protein requirements....no wimpy amounts for me...and are constantly ranked as one of the best out there...and you know I am a geek who reads up on this stuff). Anyway, I noticed something in there that wasn't supposed to be there. It looked like a hair, or maybe a string. Freaked me out for a bit, until I realized I didn't think I had eaten any of it (note I didn't ponder this at great length. If I did, I didn't want to know.)

But because if I were a business I would want to know such a thing, I sent them an email. Not because I was horrified, or plotting a lawsuit (I find that silly and wrong), but because they needed to know.

They took immediate action....sent me a box to put the remains in and said they would study it. Had someone come and pick it up. Also sent me a couple of boxes of Quest bars.... which I was not afraid to eat, by the way. I had eaten hundreds before with no issue.

I thought that the whole thing was over, until I received a letter from them the other day. The letter made me love their company and not just their product. To me it was the best in customer service. Taking a complaint seriously, investigating it, figuring out what happened and why, putting in a plan of action for it not happening again, and keeping me included as part of the "team" solving the program. Here is that letter: 

http://support.questproteinbar.com/attachments/token/ItCgpJcl85RdtU80AuLMq3YAK/?name=customer+Concern+%2349414+Kim+Mckinney.pdf

I share this to celebrate this company, not to shame them. I have much respect for how they handled the situation. Here's what I think we can learn from this:

1. Check things out. I could have been a crazy person wanting to sue....or someone just wanting free Quest bars. They checked out my claim.....asked for the evidence. As someone who doesn't like false claims, I totally respect this. If making a claim about the quality (or character) of a product, company, or person, offer the first hand proof to back it up.

2. Consider the fact that you might be wrong. Listen to criticism, check it out, and take it seriously.

3. Acknowledge fault. When you're wrong, say you're wrong. Don't gloss over it, don't try to hide it.

4. Don't only look at the problem on the surface. Ask the important questions - how did this happen and how can we make sure this doesn't happen again?

5. Use any problem or mistake as a learning experience. How can it make you better?

6. How is your quality control team? Are the people who surround you effective at guaranteeing your quality? Whether you are a business or a person, having a good quality control staff is gold. Sometimes a business has to remind and re-train. Sometimes as an individual you need to make sure those who surround us care about our quality (our character and well-being) and make the effort to speak up or challenge when there are problems.

7. When people give you good feedback, let them know if you use it. Let them know if it changes who you are or how you do things. Even if it is years later. Too often we don't do this, and we have neglected an opportunity to help that person see why they are here. Let's encourage people for the good they do, and not just criticize those who de-rail us.


 8. Don't have unrealistic expectations of people or companies. We all make mistakes. That bonds us. Let's not be finger pointers, without being willing to make things better. And let's be gracious in our forgiveness.

When problems occur, the best approach is just to go naked, not pretend you are wearing clothes, adding a few extra layers or putting on a complete disguise so no one can really see you. When we see others make mistakes, let's remember our own and be part of their solution, not blow the problem out of proportion. Let's also not ignore mistakes if they need to be revealed. Be pure in your quest. Covering up who you really are and what you really do does nothing but diminish your humanity and your integrity.

The "Come To Jesus" Meeting To Which You Are Not Invited

From time to time, OK....really often, I have to have a "come to Jesus" meeting. Seriously. Truth is that sometimes I forget that between me and God the conversation is usually supposed to be all about me. Or about me and God and this relationship we have.

Now it's not that I think God doesn't want to hear my prayers for others - for those who are sick, or those whose lives are headed in the wrong direction, or those who are struggling with life. But how often are my prayers for others and how often are they about me? When I talk to God about others, what is my purpose? What is my commitment? Am I deflecting a higher calling? Am I avoiding a look at my own heart?

While sometimes our prayers can change God's direction, I think often we pray with a very shallow purpose. We pray to be considered "nice people." We pray to get our way. We pray to give God our side of the story, so we can tell ourselves we're right. We throw up prayers like popcorn, hoping God catches a kernel in his mouth, but really expecting that he won't. It's almost like a party game. "Lord, heal my friend." Then we kinda think "Prayer prayed. Cross that off my 'to do' list. Now I have fulfilled what I said I would do. I can now say 'I have been praying for you.' Nothing else for me to do here. When they are healed I can say 'I helped!' But really it looks bad. Probably nothing positive going to happen there!"

But really, are these the kinds of prayers that moved God in scripture? If we were God, would those prayers impress us? I don't think so. I think those prayers can be considered cheap, if not worthless. Mocking God.

Take that same prayer, "Lord, heal my friend." What if we prayed in such a way that it really directed our attention to God at work? What if as we prayed we promised God that we would watch as he works in that person's life and the lives of those around them? What if we promised to acknowledge God if that person is healed? What if we asked God how we could help that person or their family or perhaps others in their same situation? What if it moved us to change who we are and how we live? What if it drew us closer to God? Wouldn't that give that prayer some depth? Another layer of purpose?

My heart breaks as I look at this world. My heart breaks as I look at the lives of those I love, especially those who seem to be on the wrong path; who seem to be making decisions that will do nothing but hurt them and hurt others. The truth is, though, I (we) can't change other people. Ever. God gave them the freedom to live lives of truth or lives of lies. They must make the appropriate decisions to change themselves, they must make the decision to thumb their nose at God or surrender all they are. There's something quite freeing about that when I have it in proper perspective.  I can pray and trust God can handle the situation. With or without me. I can be willing to be used by God in people's lives, but have to acknowledge when I try to change people under my own power, it usually doesn't work out. God doesn't necessarily need to use me in everyone's lives that are around me. After a while you have to surrender your perceived control and say "God I trust you to lead them. To let them hear your voice. Please do the same for me and teach me to follow you."

The second part is the hardest part. It means our focus has to change to living the life God  wants us to live, and not the one that comes naturally. That which comes naturally usually takes us in the direction of our own desires, and not God's. One thing I can promise....if you do God's way correctly, you will not remain in your comfort zone. You will not be able to coast on your strengths.....you will be challenged to let God work through your weaknesses. You will not have time to pass judgment on others. In other words, you will not be the Holy Spirit of the world, the nation, your neighborhood or even your own home. You will  be a person of opinions, someone called to speak when they feel they have no words or aren't especially good at it, and you will be fully involved with the problems of the world. Because if you are God's person, justice, love, peace, forgiveness, and mercy are the foundations of how you live. Those things require that you give up your comfort, and challenge the person you think you are. It requires you not live in a righteous little bubble, but engage with the world.

Those who follow God surrender their "rights." They realize it's not all about them. They don't compare what they have been given with those around them, because the truth is they have enough. Whatever it may be. Our purposes are different. Our mission fields are different. Our strengths and weaknesses are going to be used differently. All that we are, and all that we aren't, is by design. Some of us may think we have good reason to whine, but one thing I have found....however little that I may think I have, there always seems to be someone with less. However inept I may think I may be, God can work through it. Needs are great, and God meets those needs in interesting and unexpected ways, through not-so-interesting-but-incredibly-amazing people who are willing to be used. OK....even through the unwilling and kicking and screaming folk!

I have said before that I'm not a "good Christian". Maybe no one is, but from my eyes it does seem to come more naturally to other people than me. I'm a rebel by nature. I'm not even a "good Christian" on my best days. In fact, I hate....yes hate....the phrase "good Christian". It puts a pressure on us that I don't think God intended. It makes it about us instead of God. Truth is, the greatest story of scripture is that we can't be good enough.....and we don't have to! Pressure off. Time to move on in spite of it.

I've always been quite aware of the level of my sinful nature and yes, I can probably beat you. I'm fortunate in that I was aware of God at a young age and he's had my attention ever since. But one thing I have learned.....I must stay on a short leash. I am the person in that old hymn you may have heard "prone to wander, Lord I feel it, prone to leave the God I love."

So frequent "come to Jesus" meetings are necessary where we talk about me, and how I fall short, and what I need to do to get back on track. Where I don't blame others for who I am or what I have done, but accept responsibility for the ways I fall short. Where I remind God of all I am not, and he reminds me of all he is. Where he reminds me that there is no valid excuse to disengage or insulate or live a life without purpose. Where there is no valid reason to disrespect people, or be unkind, or be less than I was created to be. Where there is no excuse to not stand up for what is right, honest, just and true. Where he reminds me that since I am His, he's got me covered. Where I am weak, He is strong.

I am sorry that I can't invite you to join us in my "come to Jesus" meetings, but if I did I'd probably want that time to be about you. Because it's much easier to talk about what you need to do, how you need to be, and where you fall short, than for me to face the reality of what is expected of me. 

But go ahead and set up your own "come to Jesus" meeting. No appointment necessary, though you may find you need to make one. Because God, he's ready to talk with us at any time. We, however, tend to get a bit distracted. When you meet, it's important for you to talk about you. More often than not, only about you. If you listen carefully you will get some great guidance pointing you towards a life that will fulfill all of your innermost wants and needs. Bitterness, self pity, fear, anger....they will all fall away. You won't have time for them. The plan for your days will probably not be what you ever expected, but will be so good. Breathe it all in, and let your life exhale grace. You will be changed. The world will, too.

"Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

 

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

 

Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

 

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

 

O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day."

 

                 Robert Robinson/John Wyeth

 

Counting the Cost of Healthcare

My niece went to the dentist the other day. She's new to this adult thing, and like many of us (even those much older!), trusts healthcare providers to help her make good decisions. They told her they needed to take x-rays because it had been a while since she had them taken. She agreed....they are the experts and they said it was necessary. Later on, after the x-rays had been taken, the dentist told her that her insurance "probably" wouldn't cover the additional panoramic x-rays they had taken. They never told her what it would cost her, never explained in advance they weren't covered by her insurance, and never talked to her about why they found them necessary until after they were taken.

I was a bit frustrated when I heard her accounting of it. Knowing insurance as I do, I know that panoramic x-rays are covered....if necessary and usually on a schedule that is consistent with (or more generous than) the guidelines established by the American Dental Association. Essentially they were telling her they couldn't make a case for the coverage of it with her insurance company...but they assumed that she (a college student) would just pay for it. Without knowing the cost beforehand. Without consideration of her having a voice in the decision at all.

I had a situation that was somewhat related a couple of years ago when I was in the process of deciding what kind of braces I was going to get....either traditional wire or Invisalign. I had been told the result would be a bit better with traditional, but I would need to see an oral surgeon before I did that because I would need teeth pulled. I made an appointment for a consultation with the oral surgeon.

I admit I am a bit of  pain-in-the-rear patient for a provider who does not like an involved patient. I see myself as an integral part of any decision that concerns my health....so ask a lot of questions and want to, as much as I am able, understand what is going on with my body and exactly what is expected from my treatment. Luckily I have found providers who respect my questions and don't make me feel like a weirdo for asking them. Well OK, sometimes they think I am a weirdo, but they humor me!

Having been in the insurance industry in some capacity for over 30 years, I also see myself as a consumer of healthcare. Yep, I often ask how much things cost. Before they deliver the service. I also try to determine if I think the service is necessary. Yes, I trust my providers, but I also know I look at life differently than a lot of people. What they may see as necessary, I may feel is not. There are risks with most procedures.....do I want to take that risk? I want veto power over everything, and also the ultimate responsibility for what is done to me. I believe if I am passive, not only can my care possibly not meet my needs, but I know healthcare can become more expensive for all of us. I am passive too often (it's exhausting)....so I apologize for those times I don't question things....not for the times I do.

Anyway, my oral surgeon visit....I was there on time, a copy of my panoramic x-ray in hand. No one was in the waiting room, but it took a very long time for them to call me back. In fact, I thought perhaps I was in a ghost town. When they finally did call me (and no other patient seemed to be in the office at the time), the oral surgeon seemed to only see my mouth. He didn't introduce himself or talk directly to me. He ordered his assistant to take another panoramic and quickly left the room. Not a word said to me. I was stunned.

The assistant appeared shocked herself when I said "Did he said he wanted another panoramic? I just had one. No....I don't want another one. My insurance won't cover it and I don't want the extra exposure to radiation." She told me I would have to talk to him about it. Thirty minutes later he came back into the room. He acted like I was being unreasonable. Maybe I was....I didn't care. I believe in myself when it comes to this stuff. He finally said he would do the panoramic without charge. I said "Can you also do it without radiation?" He got angry. I knew by then he was not a doctor I could respect....so I just left as quickly as possible. Livid that I felt that he disrespected me and probably many other patients. I went for the Invisalign braces and never regretted that decision.

I once went to visit an allergist and was charged for an "intermediate" office visit. I didn't even sit down in his office. What would have been a "short" office visit with that guy? He didn't examine me at all. I went in, he asked what my problem was, I said I was having severe headaches, he said allergies don't cause headaches, and wrote me a referral to neurologist. (I never did see that neurologist. It turned out the sweetener in some sugar-free mints was causing the headaches and I figured that out myself. Isn't that an allergy of sorts? I never saw that allergist again. I am allergic to grass, I mow grass, and get headaches. Don't tell me they are not related.)

When diagnosed with restless legs syndrome I was given a new medication that was also used for multiple sclerosis. It was very expensive and very strong. I knew day one it was not good for my body. The doctor told me to stay on it for a month. I lasted two weeks....maybe. I decided the treatment was worse than the condition. It was a couple of years later that my regular nurse practitioner (who was out of the country at the time I got the other medication) prescribed another medication for me.....it costs me less than $3 a month. It changed my life. (I began to sleep again!) Why wasn't that drug the first one that was offered?

We've become a nation that will drive across town to save a quarter on a gallon of milk, but we don't ask what our MRI costs before we get it. We don't ask the cost of a prescription. We don't seek the least costly treatments first. We don't know what the cost of an office visit with our doctor is compared to the doctor next door. Many of our doctors often don't know the cost of our office visit or the medication they prescribe either (trust me....I have asked.) I understand it is complicated....the charge depends on whether you have insurance or not and which insurance you have. Oh....and the cost is not your copay. What is important is the total charge. I guarantee if you ask, you will be surprised at how much some things and how little is paid for others.

I see both the good and the bad of our healthcare system, and have no brilliant solutions for how we can make things work perfectly, but one thing we can each do....we can become better consumers. We can ask what things cost. We can ask why we need particular services. We can question ourselves as to whether we think that the benefits are worth the cost of the treatment. We can be our own advocates, and trust that we are an expert on ourselves.  And we can challenge our providers, as very busy and stressed as they are, to know the cost of the care they give and the drugs they prescribe.

I believe my niece is going to be a great healthcare consumer. She is listening and learning with each encounter. Her dad is asking her a lot of tough questions that are not allowing her to look at it all passively, that are requiring that she question the system. I know she hates it. I still do, too. But it is important. Not just to her pocketbook, but to the pocketbook of us all. It's important to the quality of care she will receive. Positive change doesn't usually happen when we are passive, but when we get up on our high-horse a bit and require that it happen. Our healthcare system can use quite a bit of positive change. Let's make it better.

Putting the Happy in the Birthday

Not to brag, but Google is celebrating my birthday today! They had this picture waiting for me. Thanks Google! You know I love you more than anyone, huh?

 

So it's my birthday. I am 54 today. A bit weird to think about, stunning even, but I believe having the opportunity to live a lot of years on this earth is a good thing. I am not ashamed of the age, but instead grateful. Good thing, since there would be no way to escape it. I am surrounded by a lot of people who have known me for a lot of years, and they would gleefully call me out on it if I did!

I've had some bad birthdays over the years. Not a lot, but enough that the last time it happened (which wasn't that long ago) I did a bit of self analysis. I realized I was expecting other people to put the happy into my birthday.

My large family has never been big on celebrating the birthdays of adults (though hopefully every kid has great memories of wonderful celebrations, even if Aunt Kim's gifts rarely make it to them on the day.) I know without a doubt that my mom will call and sing to me today, and I expect I will hear from most of the siblings (OK...I had better hear from all) and some of the nieces and nephews. But that is the extent to our family celebrations. No complaints here, because I am notorious for forgetting important days in general and I would be a constant disappointment to everyone if  they depended on me to remember and lead the celebrations. There is no pressure in our family for birthdays and I like that.

But I have had a few birthdays that have come around and I realized I had absolutely no plans of any sort of celebration. No one had mentioned doing anything, and it just creeped up on me, and really when I realized it....well, it was a bit embarrassing that I had no plans. What do you do, say at the last minute "It's my birthday, will someone celebrate with me?" I once thought that would be horrifying, but now I think it would be perfectly appropriate!

When that has happened in the past I admit there are times I had a pity party for one. It made it a day of sadness instead of a day of celebration of the wonderful life I was given. That is not how I now choose to live. (And yes, I believe if you do spend your birthday in sadness, it is your choice. And it is not one of your better choices.)

I am not the only one who has experienced those feelings.....I know! Not that we will often publicly admit it. It is a point of shame. We human beings are quite silly about such things.

While often my lack of plans have to do with the simple fact of being single and everyone thinking I have all sorts of wonderful and exciting things going on (Ha!), others experience the letdown of having spouses, kids, and significant others fail to meet their birthday expectations. Sometimes they hijack "my day" and make it about them. Or just not about us. They love you, or proclaim they love you, but you're not feeling it. They don't think for a minute of how you would most like to celebrate. They plan something, but it is what they want to do and not what you want to do. They refuse to leave their comfort zone for even a minute to make the day special for you.

You think I am going to blast them, huh? Truth is, you own your birthday (as you do all of your days.) They are a gift to you from God. They should all be celebrated, and you should plan the celebration, and not depend on others to make it happy for you. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't accept someone else planning a celebration on your behalf....gratefully accept it and enjoy it. Grade them on a curve if it is not exactly how you would do it. People fall short at this for a lot of reasons. It isn't necessarily an indication of how much they care....or don't care. Sometimes it is just a difference in how they view birthdays.....or the fact that they are pre-occupied with things that have nothing to do with you. (Yeah, sometimes that pre-occupation is with themselves. It happens. With most of us. We're basically self-centered sinners.) Sometimes they freeze because they are like deer in the headlights....they know they need to do something, but can't decide what. Other times it a time to be passive-aggressive, for reasons that may or may not have anything to do with you. Regardless, it is definitely not something to waste much of your life grieving about! (And some of you, of us, have spent valuable time obsessing on this....admit it!) Take back the ownership of your day. Don't try to force them to make you happy. That's an impossible task.

The celebration of you by others (or lack thereof) doesn't have to be the extent of your own celebration. If it is not the way you prefer to celebrate your life, throw your own birthday party. You can even be the only guest! It doesn't even have to be on the day. Just ask yourself "what makes me feel alive and full of joy and grateful to God for my gift of life?"....and do it!

Really I am not whining about my lousy life here, because as most of you know (and I definitely do) my life is more than wonderful and worthy of great celebration. I am well loved. I celebrate that. Since I have taken ownership for my birthdays, they have become much more enjoyable. Mostly because now I see the celebration as my job and the focus of my day. I will be grateful for all I have been given. I will be happy, I will be joyful. For me, how the hours are spent are not nearly as important as my state of mind as I celebrate them. More than any other say of the year I want to focus on the fact that life is a gift, and is so, so good!

My plans for my day are to get a massage from my awesome friend Diana, and then she is taking me out to lunch. We also plan to get our nails done. Tonight I get to attend a birthday party celebrating my friend Patrice, for whom it is one of those special "end in 0" birthdays. She is a great gift to my life, so what a great opportunity!

At some point today I plan to eat cake. Good cake. Chocolate. One of the "bad" birthday memories that most makes me laugh about myself is the birthday I cried because the day was totally uneventful and I DIDN'T EVEN GET CAKE! Oh, the tragedy! One of those times when I had that moment when I realized what I was doing and I was a bit horrified. I said to myself.  "Really?????? This is what is important to you?" (And my answer was yes. Sort of. But I had to laugh.)

But such "tragedies" are an easy thing to remedy. If I don't get my chocolate cake today (and I mean really good chocolate cake....bad cake is also tragic), I will prolong the celebration and eat it soon.  I now acknowledge I can celebrate my birthday any day because any day is a good day to celebrate the fact that we were born. Why limit it?

So happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to you. I am so glad we were born. Celebrate your life well...and thank God for the days and the years. You are the gift. Share yourself with the world. And bring the happy to your own party.

Independence

I think often we forget the name of this holiday is Independence Day. A great thing to celebrate. So much more than the 4th of July. Different than simply a day to celebrate freedom (which isn't so simple at all and definitely worthy of its own celebration). I forget the distinction myself often and in doing so I think I have missed an important lesson that it is worthy to re-visit more than once a year.

So many things bind us, both actual and imagined. We make the decision every day as to whether we will continue to answer to these things. They're not all bad. In fact, I would say that often the toughest things to break away from are those things which are inherently good. Some of the ties that bind us are made of pure love. They make us feel secure. They give us support to get through the day. They have given us strength in the past and made us what we are today.

But sometimes they also keep us from growth. They keep us from being brave. They keep us from being all we can be.

I remember when I graduated from college and it was time for me to truly support myself for the first time.  I have to give some credit to my parents here....as supportive as they were, they raised me to become independent. That's healthy parenting. I am sure there were many nights they worried. Though they did bail me out of a few financial issues, like a broken-down car from time to time, mostly they let me work it out myself. Yep, I resented it sometimes. I like being dependent. At least for some things. But having to face the fears of growing up is what gave me confidence....and pride....in my ability to handle an awful lot on my own. It gave me the ability to do more and be more.

When I was in my 20s I had a boss who still supported his children who were in their 40s. He paid their rent (or let them live in properties he owned), he paid their car payments, he paid for numerous college experiences that they either flunked out of or quit. He knew my paltry salary, and after a conversation in which I was telling him about some of my dollar stretching strategies he said "So your parents don't help you with your bills at all?"  I laughed and said "No!" He said "How did they do that?" I said  "They don't give us an option. They taught us that we're not owed anything. We work for what we get and if we don't have the money for it, we don't buy it." (To tell you the truth I don't think I had consciously known that myself until I told him!) I could tell the whole idea of this was foreign to him.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about some of the things that bind us. Opinions. Expectations. Relationships. Jobs. Family. Money. Stuff. Past mistakes. History. Adequacy. Fear. Religious traditions that are not religious truth. 

What is keeping you from becoming better, from living your purpose? From what do you need to declare your dependence and move on independently? You were created as a unique individual, with your own worth. Your own purpose. What trail do you need to blaze? Take a lesson from our forefathers and consider, is it time to declare your own Independence Day, and live in "the land of the free and the home of the brave"?

Take a read of what our forefathers were thinking at the time of our country's independence, which we celebrate today. Does any of it ring true in your life? Here's to your own personal Independence Day....and life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness! Let the fireworks begin...and if necessary, let's blow something up!

The Unanimous Declaration Of The Thirteen United States of America

In Congress, July 4, 1776

When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights; that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness; that, to secure these rights, governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed; that whenever any form of government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles, and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object, evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government. The history of the present King of Great Britain is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute tyranny over these states. To prove this, let facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his assent to laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has forbidden his governors to pass laws of immediate and pressing importance, unless suspended in their operation till his assent should be obtained; and, when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to attend to them.

He has refused to pass other laws for the accommodation of large districts of people, unless those people would relinquish the right of representation in the legislature, a right inestimable to them, and formidable to tyrants only.

He has called together legislative bodies at places unusual uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public records, for the sole purpose of fatiguing them into compliance with his measures.

He has dissolved representative houses repeatedly, for opposing, with manly firmness, his invasions on the rights of the people.

He has refused for a long time, after such dissolutions, to cause others to be elected; whereby the legislative powers, incapable of annihilation, have returned to the people at large for their exercise; the state remaining, in the mean time, exposed to all the dangers of invasions from without and convulsions within.

He has endeavored to prevent the population of these states; for that purpose obstructing the laws for naturalization of foreigners; refusing to pass others to encourage their migration hither, and raising the conditions of new appropriations of lands.

He has obstructed the administration of justice, by refusing his assent to laws for establishing judiciary powers.

He has made judges dependent on his will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has erected a multitude of new offices, and sent hither swarms of officers to harass our people and eat out their substance.

He has kept among us, in times of peace, standing armies, without the consent of our legislatures.

He has affected to render the military independent of, and superior to, the civil power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our Constitution and unacknowledged by our laws, giving his assent to their acts of pretended legislation:

For quartering large bodies of armed troops among us;

For protecting them, by a mock trial, from punishment for any murders which they should commit on the inhabitants of these states;

For cutting off our trade with all parts of the world;

For imposing taxes on us without our consent;

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of trial by jury;

For transporting us beyond seas, to be tried for pretended offenses;

For abolishing the free system of English laws in a neighboring province, establishing therein an arbitrary government, and enlarging its boundaries, so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these colonies;

For taking away our charters, abolishing our most valuable laws, and altering fundamentally the forms of our governments;

For suspending our own legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated government here, by declaring us out of his protection and waging war against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our coasts, burned our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large armies of foreign mercenaries to complete the works of death, desolation, and tyranny already begun with circumstances of cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow-citizens, taken captive on the high seas, to bear arms against their country, to become the executioners of their friends and brethren, or to fall themselves by their hands.

He has excited domestic insurrection among us, and has endeavored to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers the merciless Indian savages, whose known rule of warfare is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes, and conditions.

In every stage of these oppressions we have petitioned for redress in the most humble terms; our repeated petitions have been answered only by repeated injury. A prince, whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have we been wanting in our attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them, from time to time, of attempts by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have appealed to their native justice and magnanimity; and we have conjured them, by the ties of our common kindred, to disavow these usurpations which would inevitably interrupt our connections and correspondence. They too, have been deaf to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. We must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity which denounces our separation, and hold them as we hold the rest of mankind, enemies in war, in peace friends.

WE, THEREFORE, the REPRESENTATIVES of the UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, in General Congress assembled, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name and by the authority of the good people of these colonies solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, FREE AND INDEPENDENT STATES; that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British crown and that all political connection between them and the state of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved; and that, as free and independent states, they have full power to levy war, conclude peace, contract alliances, establish commerce, and do all other acts and things which independent states may of right do. And for the support of this declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Divine Providence, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor.

[Signed by] JOHN HANCOCK [President]

New Hampshire 
JOSIAH BARTLETT, 
WM. WHIPPLE, 
MATTHEW THORNTON.

Massachusetts Bay
SAML. ADAMS,
JOHN ADAMS,
ROBT. TREAT PAINE,
ELBRIDGE GERRY

Rhode Island
STEP. HOPKINS,
WILLIAM ELLERY.

Connecticut
ROGER SHERMAN, 
SAM’EL HUNTINGTON, 
WM. WILLIAMS, 
OLIVER WOLCOTT.

New York
WM. FLOYD, 
PHIL. LIVINGSTON, 
FRANS. LEWIS, 
LEWIS MORRIS.

New Jersey
RICHD. STOCKTON, 
JNO. WITHERSPOON, 
FRAS. HOPKINSON, 
JOHN HART, 
ABRA. CLARK.

Pennsylvania
ROBT. MORRIS
BENJAMIN RUSH,
BENJA. FRANKLIN,
JOHN MORTON,
GEO. CLYMER,
JAS. SMITH,
GEO. TAYLOR,
JAMES WILSON,
GEO. ROSS.

Delaware 
CAESAR RODNEY, 
GEO. READ, 
THO. M’KEAN.

Maryland
SAMUEL CHASE,
WM. PACA,
THOS. STONE,
CHARLES CARROLL 
of Carrollton.

Virginia
GEORGE WYTHE,
RICHARD HENRY LEE,
TH. JEFFERSON,
BENJA. HARRISON,
THS. NELSON, JR.,
FRANCIS LIGHTFOOT LEE,
CARTER BRAXTON.

North Carolina
WM. HOOPER,
JOSEPH HEWES,
JOHN PENN.

South Carolina
EDWARD RUTLEDGE,
THOS. HAYWARD, JUNR.,
THOMAS LYNCH, JUNR.,
ARTHUR MIDDLETON.

Georgia
BUTTON GWINNETT,
LYMAN HALL,
GEO. WALTON.